🥁 New Course Alert 🥁 Join me on ‘The Women Drum Keepers Collective’ Learn More

Sophie Messager

Author: Sophie Messager

  • The lost art of postnatal wrapping

    The lost art of postnatal wrapping

    All around the world, there is a custom of binding the hips and/or the belly for the first few weeks after birth.

    It makes sense when you think about the changes the body undergoes. During pregnancy, the body adapts to accommodate the growing baby: the pelvis tilts and widens, the spine curvature increases, the abdomen stretches to accommodate the growing uterus, which in turn also pushes all the internal abdominal organs up. During the birth the pelvis opens. Then after the birth all of this has to happen in reverse. In particular, as the uterus shrinks back to its pre-pregnancy size, and the abdominal organs descend back into place.

    New mothers are  also open physically, emotionally and spiritually, and therefore the wrapping is part of the nurturing support to bring them back to their centre. On a simple physical level wrapping provides support to unstable joints and muscles. It also provides comfort and warmth. On an emotional level it brings us back to our bodies and provides a sense of being contained. On a spiritual level it feels containing and helps us come back to ourselves.

    An example which illustrates this beautifully is the story of Rowena Hazell who gave birth to triplets vaginally. She found that she couldn’t breathe properly after the birth: ” As I tried to get back out of the pool, I had a weird sensation of not being able to breathe, as if all my body was suddenly too heavy. That was odd. On the postnatal ward I couldn’t sit up or stand for more than five minutes without finding breathing difficult. I was having to be wheeled across to NICU in a wheelchair because I couldn’t walk far. The midwives didn’t know why, didn’t take it seriously, and looked at me quite oddly when I said I needed to use a wheelchair. One of the other mums I met had brought a corset in, because she said that she had had severe diastasis recti before. This is when the stomach muscles have separated so much that for a while after birth they simply don’t hold your organs properly in the right place. The mum described it to me as your diaphragm not holding everything in, so it falls out of the bottom of your tummy. This was exactly what it felt like was happening to me! The midwives on the ward didn’t seem to have heard of this, but they did send a physio to see me. The physio made a corset out of a double layer of their largest Tubigrip, and immediately I could breathe, sit up, and walk again with ease”. (you can read her birth story here)

    Postnatal binding used to be part of Western culture too. Whilst doing the research for my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, I found a UK midwifery book from the beginning of the 20th century (An introduction to midwifery”, Donald, 1915) which says: “The binder should consist of a piece of stout calico, or other strong material, about 18 inches wide and 4 feet long. When applied, the lower border should reach a hand’s breadth below the widest part of the hips and should be drawn tightly and fastened securely with a safety pin or long straight pin, so that it may not work up above the hips. The middle part of the binder must be made sufficiently tight to give a sense of support, but the upper border should be rather lose as to not interfere with the patient’s respiration. The binder is used merely to give external support to the loose abdominal wall.”

    In the western world we abandoned the practice of binding, it fell out of fashion somehow. Sadly this means that it is now seen as an old wife’s tale. Midwife Siobhan Taylor tells me that when she gave birth in the 1980s, her grandmother told her to wrap her belly, but that everyone else dismissed it as old fashioned and unnecessary. I fell prey to this belief myself, before I discovered the stories and research that showed me how compelling this practice is.

    In the book Le mois d’or, medical doctor and yoga teacher Bernadette de Gasquet explains the importance of closing the pelvis, and quotes the dissertation of a French midwife who chose to study the subject. I obtained a copy the dissertation, and as far as I’m aware this is the only scientific study of postpartum binding that exists. The author, Juliette Danis, used a simple binding around the pelvis, applied the day after the birth for an hour. She used a set of written and visual questionnaires to evaluate its effect on pain in the pelvic area on a group of 160 women (80 receiving the wrapping and 80 controls). 64% of women described an improvement in their pelvic and perineal pain after the treatment. 79 out of 80 of the women who received the binding said they would recommend it. The author concludes that the care given to the women after the birth using massages or wrapping has a positive effect both physically and psychically, and that it symbolically helps to redraw the contours of the body. She concludes her dissertation saying that midwives should suggest the wearing of pelvic belts for 21 days after birth as recommended by traditional societies.

    I have also found evidence of the usage of pelvic belt in ancient Greece, via French ancient Greece historian Odile Tresch.

    I see postpartum wrapping as a source of comfort, support and warmth. Done in accordance with the mother’s comfort and preferences, it can feel very good indeed.

    This matches my experience of giving closing the bones massages to new mothers: the binding provides much needed nurturing and relaxation. The purpose of the binding is one of wellbeing and nurturing rather than to help new mothers look slimmer. The focus is on healing and comfort. It is part of a process which put the new mother at the centre of receiving loving support, and of postpartum attention to be focused on the new mother and her well-being, rather than on the baby. I talk about it at length in my book Why Postnatal Recovery Matters. Postpartum wrapping is a source of comfort, support and warmth. Done right, in accordance with the mother’s preferences, it can feel very good indeed.

    How do you wrap?

    I want to demystify the process and show you that it is simple and something that doesn’t require expert knowledge, and that you can do yourself. I also want to show you why it isn’t a one size fits all process, and that there isn’t a kind of binding that is better than the others. For example, one kind of binding that seems to be especially popular is an Indonesian type of binding called Bengkung belly binding. Bengkung is sometimes perceived as ‘the’ binding to aspire for. However, as I have done in my book, I want to encourage people to move away from the idea that one type of binding is ‘right’, or better than the others. Choosing a method of binding is like choosing a pair of jeans: you cannot be prescriptive about what fits one person, and you may have to try before you buy. It needs to fit with your lifestyle, and it needs to feel good and comfortable for you as a unique person with a unique body and needs.

    I used to believe that soft fabric was best, until I realised that it didn’t suit everybody. I supported a new mother of twins who was already used to carrying her first child in a woven wrap, therefore already experienced in manipulating fabric. She asked me to show her how to wrap her belly post birth using a rebozo. However, regardless how much we tried, she just couldn’t get it tight enough by herself. She loved one of my velcro wraps, however, so she ordered one.

    We need to remember that many traditional binding methods are usually done by someone else for you. Since few of us have the luxury to have someone come wrap us every day at home after birth, it makes sense that we learn techniques we can use on our own.

    What can you use?

    There is a plethora of tools to use-from simple pieces of cloth, scarves, rebozos, pashmina, babywearing wraps (both stretchy and woven ones) and more. There are also many different velcro belts and girdles, and other simple tools to use, like supportive underwear and clothing.

    I am going to list a collection of types of wrapping that I have tried. You cannot go wrong if you start with what appeals to you more and try that first. You can wrap your abdomen or hips by using a scarf (such as a rebozo, a pashmina, of any scarf you happen to have that does the job). You wrap the fabric around you and either twisting and tucking the fabric, or twisting and knotting it, depending on how much tension you prefer, how long your scarf is, and what feels good. I show one way of doing it in the video below.

    Play

    With a long enough cloth, you can wrap your belly, twist at the back, then wrap your hips and tie a knot at the front, wrapping your hips as well as your belly. If you’d like to wrap with a Mexican rebozo, I have some in my online  shop. You can also use a babywearing wrap to wrap your belly and hips after the birth.

    I have had Womb belts specially woven for me by a rebozo supplier, based on the design of the traditional Colombian Chumbe belt that my friend Laura Leongomez introduced me to. It feels incredibly supportive and my postpartum clients love it too. You can see me demoing it in the video below. and Laura and I did a long video about pelvis wrapping where we talk about this belt. which you can watch here.

    Play

    With a very long, narrow cloth (about 15cm wide and 7 m long), you can do the Bengkung style binding, which goes from the hips to the ribs. Here is a video tutorial for it. If you like the idea of the Indonesian belly binding but not the process of wrapping a long cloth around you, there are Dutch postpartum girdles, called sluitlakens, some of which look uncannily like the Indonesian binding. Australian brand Unina has created a Velcro wrap (pictured on the left) which reproduces the effect of the Benkung binding, and which is very easy to use and adjust, and is very pretty.

    If you prefer something a bit more structured, there are many velcro belts and girdles. From what I have experienced, you really get what you pay for: cheap ones are often made of scratchy and/or uncomfortable material. Also a good postpartum belt won’t be too tight at the top, supporting the lower abdomen and pelvis without adding pressure to the pelvic floor. The easiest and comfiest belts also have a double velcro system that allows you to tighten the belt/girdle effortlessly (an important point when one has weak core muscles).

    There are two brands I really like and recommend for pelvic and or pelvic/abdominal support: For pelvic support only : The sacroiliac pelvic belt from Belly Bands, or the Serola sacroiliac belt. For both pelvic and abdominal support : the pregnancy and caesarean 3 in 1 belly band from Belly Band, which can be used for pregnancy support, postpartum support, and post caesarean too. This is a truly amazing product which has been designed especially with mothers in mind. It is extremely comfy and easy to use, and its standard size fits from a size 6 to 16 (they have smaller and bigger sizes too).

    You can see me demonstrate this velcro belt as well as rebozo wrapping in the video below

    Play

    Talking about caesarean, I was surprised about the post caesarean binding myself, as I didn’t know it was a thing. When my friend Kate had her baby by caesarean in Bangkok, they bound her abdomen the next day. She says she healed much better than when she had her next child in Norway, were there was no binding. I found a published paper which shows that binding post caesarean reduces pain. The Belly Band caesarean wrap has a video explaining how you can use it in a hospital setting.

    There are a couple of gentle support options available to you if you’d rather not use a scarf or a wrap: You could use a belly band like a Haramaki. A Haramaki is a Japanese belly warmer. It’s like a boob tube for your waist. Or you could buy a belly band such as the ones that some people use during pregnancy. H&M sells a pack of three.

    You could try high waisted postpartum support underwear, and there are also some brands that offer postpartum support shorts or leggings. Just make sure you don’t use something too tight to avoid putting pressure on your pelvic floor. If you used maternity leggings, they might still work to provide some gentle support after the birth too. H&M has a pair which costs under £10.

    How to choose the right way to wrap/bind for you?

    If you can, try before you buy. With online items, you can try and return items if needed. Only you can tell whether it is comfortable and right for you, so it’s worth trying a couple of options to see which you find easiest to use and most comfy. Some women prefer using a soft piece of cloth, and some women get on better with a velcro belt.

    How long to wear it for?

    Use it like a treatment ie not 24/7, see how it makes you feel, and probably not any longer than for the first 4 to 6 weeks postpartum.

    PS: I have been working with wraps, rebozos, shawls and scarves for several years now and I see them as something that has a lot of use beyond the childbearing years. When it comes to wrapping for example, I now see my period as a mini postpartum time with similar needs, and I find that wrapping my hips or my abdomen or both during this time is extremely comforting. Try it and tell me what you think.

    If you feel drawn to learning more, my book Why postnatal recovery matters has a chapter on postpartum bodywork. I have an online course dedicated to The Art and Science of Postpartum wrapping. I also offer a rebozo online course , a closing the bones rebozo massage online course.

     

  • Closing the bones : a universal postpartum healing practise

    Closing the bones : a universal postpartum healing practise

    Closing the bones is a postpartum ritual that is designed to help nurture  and heal a new mother. It usually involves a massage followed by a tightening of scarves around several points on the body. Depending on the culture it can also incorporate bathing and sweating rituals. At its heart, it is a process to bring the mother back to herself after the birth.

    I first learnt Mexican and Ecuadorian versions about 10 years ago. Doing research over this time has shown me that it is not restricted to South America, and is present around the world. In this article I share the countries in which I have found versions of this ritual ,along with links illustrating this.

    It makes sense to have the same practice around the world, because the changes new mothers undergo are the same regardless of culture. During pregnancy, the body undergoes tremendous modifications to accommodate the growing baby: the pelvis tilts and widens, the spine curvature increases, the abdomen stretches to accommodate the growing uterus, which in turn also pushes all the internal abdominal organs up. The ribs also flare up to make room for this. During the birth the pelvis opens. Then after the birth all of this has to happen in reverse: the uterus shrinks back to its pre-pregnancy size, and the abdominal organs descend back into place. 

    Closing the bones rituals are designed to provide much needed nurturing, as well as speed up the healing process on a physical, emotional and energetic/spiritual level. New mothers are very open, as the bones and soft tissues are stretched and loose after the birth. On the physical level, the massage and the tightening helps to move the tissues around and support the process of moving from opening to closure.

    New mothers are also open emotionally and spiritually, and the tightening of scarves around the body helps on this level too.  The wrapping helps us feel the contour of our bodies, provides a sense of being contained, and brings us back to ourselves. On an energetic and spiritual level, the ritual helps new mothers come back to themselves, and provide a much needed space to process the complex feelings and emotions that can accompany new motherhood.

    American continent

    • Mexico
      • The Mexican postpartum ritual that I learnt from Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver includes a full body massage, followed by a steam bath (called a Temazcal), a period of sweating under blankets, and finally the tightening with rebozos around 7 points on the body.
    • Ecuador
      • I learnt the closing the bones ritual from a doula called Stacia Smales Hill, who had trained with Mexican midwifes, and from Rocio Alarcon from Ecuador.
      • The ritual involves a rocking of the pelvis with a rebozo (or Manta as its called in Ecuador), followed by a massage of the abdomen, chest and arms, and then the tightening of scarves around the pelvis (or around several points around the body)
      • Gabi Pezo, a doula from Ecuador also shares this comment: Closing of the Bones (Encaderamiento) Fajada is something that has been practised for millenia in Ecuador. In rural parts of my country (Ecuador) Traditional Midwives have done this. 
    • Colombia
      • My friend Laura Leongomez, a doula from Colombia told me the following: I learned this technique in Colombia where it is practised by different indigenous groups and traditional Afro-Colombian communities. 
      • Laura also introduced me to the Chumbe belt which is used during menstruation, pregnancy and the postpartum and was the inspiration for the thick womb belts that I asked Mexican company Antama to weave.
      • I have heard accounts of various versions being practised in most countries in South America.

    European continent

    • UK
      • In an old midwifery book I found this reference to the use of a binder during the postpartum
      • “The binder should consist of a piece of stout calico, or other strong material, about 18 inches wide and 4 feet long. When applied, the lower border should reach a hand’s breadth below the widest part of the hips and should be drawn tightly and fastened securely with a safety pin or long straight pin, so that it may not work up above the hips. The middle part of the binder must be made sufficiently tight to give a sense of support, but the upper border should be rather lose as to not interfere with the patient’s respiration. The binder is used merely to give external support to the loose abdominal wall.”
    • France
      • I found reference to postnatal binding in an old French medical dictionary, which talks about applying cotton on the belly then a bandage around the whole belly.
      • I have also talked to Doula Celia , who has done extensive research and found evidence of a European version of the traditional postpartum traditions, including a closing of the pelvis (serrage du bassin), called Le soin des matrones (Matrones being the equivalent of traditional midwives). Her instagram account is full of knowledge around these practices. (use google translate or AI for translation from French into your language). It includes a steam bath, a full body massage, and tightening of a cloth around the pelvis.
    • Holland
      • Dutch friends mentioned an old fashioned binder called sluitlakens, and acquired such a wrap myself. It looks a lot like the traditional Malaysian binding, which is perhaps not surprising given the  colonisation of Malaysia by the Dutch.
    • Malta
      • A massage therapist friend has worked there and found reference to it being practised in the past
    • Greece
      • Odile Tresch, an ancient Greece historian, mentions a traditional Greek postpartum belt. She has teamed up with a French seamstress to recreate it and she offers training in using it. 

    African continent

    • Morocco
      • I attended a workshop with a Morrocan woman who explained and demonstrated the process. The wrapping is preceded by some time in the traditional wet room/steam bath (called a Hammam), and the scarves used are called Kourziyas. I have also found reference to the Moroccan tradition in the thesis of French midwife Juliette Danis
    • Somalia
      • I was the doula of a Somalian mother and her mother showed me how to do the binding after birth. I also met a Somalian midwife who told me the traditional shawl, called a Garbasar, is used in very much the same way as rebozos.
    • Ghana
      • I met a new mother who told me of steam baths, vaginal steaming, and binding done with the sarong type fabric used to carry babies 
      • I have also found accounts of it in Ivory Coast, South Africa, and Uganda (from books, blog posts, and articles)
    • Tunisia
      • The closing the bones massage and wrapping is done using Fouta towels (similar to Turkish towels)
    • Mauritius
      • I massaged a new mother from Mauritius. Her grandmother was present and she told me the practice back home was quite similar to what I did.

    Asian Continent

    • Israel
      • An Israeli doula told me of finding out it was practised back home after learning the practise with me
    • Afghanistan
      • This article shows closing the bones with cloths done in a very similar way to the Mexican ritual.
    • Russia
      • There is a similar practice to the Mexican closing which is called seven locks. The text is in Russian but you can see the process in the video.
    • India
      • I have massaged several Indian mothers who told me of similar practises.
    •  Malaysia
      • The Bengkung belly binding treatment involves a massage, herbal paste applied to the belly and binding of the hips and belly with a long cloth.
      • A similar massage/binding combos called Jamu which origin from Malaysia is found in most of SouthEast Asia (Hong Kong, and Singapore in particular)
      • My husband is from Hong Kong and when I visited I found out that the Jamu massages are available in packages of 5, 10, 15 and 20 massages during the postpartum. My mother in law also showed me how she had been shown how to wrap herself with a towel in the hospital after she gave birth.
    • Thailand
      • A mother who gave birth in Thailand told me how they wrapped her in the hospital the day after her caesarean.
      • I have also found evidence of uterine massage and binding in Vietnam (from midwife Juliette Danis’s thesis), and in Thailand, Cambodia and Burma wrapping (scientific papers)
    • Japan
      • The binder used which is called a Sarashi. 

    I mention this ritual in both of my books: Why postnatal recovery matters, and The beat of your own drum.

    Here is a couple of other overview articles that cover the same overview topic as this blog post:

    I hope you find this as inspiring as I did, and if you know of other countries or stories, I would love you to share them so I can add them to this post.

  • Learning with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver

    Learning with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver

    I’m back from spending 3 intense days learning about the art of birth, rebozo techniques and Mexican postpartum (including closing the bones) with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver.

    Naoli had been in the back of my mind for many years. I had heard about her via French doulas a long time ago, because she is very well known in France (she speaks Fluent French as well as Spanish, English and Portuguese). I also read the book she co-authored about rebozo. I remember thinking how lovely it would be to meet her.

    In 2021 I discovered that Naoli was active on Instagram. This led me to discover her online platform. I signed up, and I have been learning from her for 18 months.

    When I found out Naoli was planning a tour of Europe this summer I was very keen to meet her, and I even started the process of organising for her to come to Cambridge. I was delighted when I found out that someone else had organised for Naoli to come to the UK in September, because running training for other people is something I have done in the past and found quite stressful (the admin side isn’t my strength, and I get stressed feeling responsible for everybody’s wellbeing).

    The 3 days training was about the art of birth, rebozo techniques for birth, and the traditional Mexican postpartum ritual, which included closing the bones with the rebozo.

    Having trained with Naoli online since early 2021, including attending several live zoom calls with her, I knew her to be a wise, deeply knowledgeable, yet humble and approachable woman. I have found that true masters of their craft usually have these qualities. I was delighted to meet her in real life. She as she was as warm, wise, kind and easy to talk to as I had hoped she would be.

    Twenty two of us met with Naoli for 3 days in a beautiful barn in a place called the Fold in Malvern.

    The first day was about the art of birth. We learnt about the importance of presence, of being versus doing, or tuning into the mother and of not having set ideas about how to support her. Naoli also explained about the importance of moving “cold” from the mother, that is stuck energies or upsets that prevent the labour from progressing. She illustrated this with many birth stories. She then showed us rebozo techniques to relax the mother, release stuckness, and help stimulate labour, as well as help reposition a baby during labour when labour stalls or takes too long. Naoli invited me to lead a song with my drum at the end of the workshop which I loved.

    On day 2 we worked further into this topic, exploring ways to move “cold” feelings from ourselves, talking about sexuality and birth, and looking at more techniques to help engage a baby, stimulate labour, and unblock stuck labour. We finished the day singing and drumming together, and Naoli played one of my drums as we did 🙂

    Day 3 was my favourite, because we worked on many more rebozo techniques in the morning, including techniques invented by Naoli to realign a malpositioned baby, and to unblock the second stage of labour. My favourite part was the afternoon, as Naoli explained what the traditional Mexican postpartum ritual entails (a whole body massage, followed by a steam herbal bath, followed by a sweating session under blankets, and finally the closing ritual with rebozos. You can watch a beautiful video about it here. We practised the rebozo closing ritual in groups. As someone who teaches and gives this ritual to others, it is quite rare for me to be at the receiving end of this ritual and it special and very powerful.

    I found that words don’t do justice to this workshop as it was a deep, emotional, and spiritual workshop. I hope the pictures below convey better than words of the spirit of what was shared during these 3 days.

    A side note:

    Yesterday and today I feel quite tired. It was a busy week-end. I left on Friday morning, spent the last 3 days in deep intensive learning, and also drove 3h both Friday and last night, only getting home at 9h30 in the evening. The workshop was exhilarating. It fed my soul and I thoroughly enjoyed the learning and the company of the women who attended the course.  It meant that I didn’t get the normal rest that I get at the week-end. So as I was driving home I made a mental note to get it very easy the next day or two. It feels very important to give myself the time to recuperate. I have blogged about this in the past .

  • Making an altar to set intentions for your life and work

    Making an altar to set intentions for your life and work

    If you want more spirituality in your life, more meaningful ways to connect to yourself and your inner voice, and the world around you, and a more feminine way to set intentions and goals, have you ever tried creating an altar?

    I started by creating a season table to help my children visualise the turning of year many years ago, when they were small. Over the years it slowly morphed into an altar. In fact I have several altars in my house. I use them to help me focus on what I want to bring more into my life, and to remind me of tuning in, and of what is important to me right now.

    Creating an altar is a bit like creating a vision board. It is like a 3D vision board. It is a way to give form to your desires and to help you stay on track with what you want to bring more of in your life. It also helps me to bring more spirituality into everyday life.

    What is an altar?

    • The Merrian Webster dictionary defines an altar as “a table or place which serves as a center of worship or ritual”.
    • I believe that our lack of rituals leaves us feeling disconnected to ourselves and to each other. We need spirituality in our lives the way we need food and water, lest we feel longing and emptiness.
    • When I visit cultures where spirituality is still  part of everyday life, such as my husband’s birth place of Hong Kong, I notice that people have little altars everywhere, and that they aren’t restricted to places of worship. You find them at the entrance of people’s homes, as well as inside. People place offerings on these altars, such as flowers or fruits, and often burn incense.
    • For me an altar is a way to give form to your connection to your own desire for spirituality and connection.

    How do you make an altar?

    • An altar can be simple or intricate. It doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it feels true and good to you. Often, less is more.
    • It can, but doesn’t have to, include religious symbols or figures. The most important thing is that it resonates with you.
    • It can be as simple as a picture or a card, and a candle. You could put in on a mantle piece, a windowsill, or a shelf. 
    • It can include objects, such pictures/cards, figures and stones that feel special to you, and/or that represent something that you want more of in your life, or in the life of your loved ones. It can include some form of incense (or an essential oil diffuser).
    • You could also choose to include objects to represent the four elements : air (feather), fire (candle), earth (stone), and water (a cup or small bottle with water).
    • It can be permanent or temporary, and it can be made in nature as well as indoors. When I drum in the woods with my drum sisters, we co-create an altar from a mix of personal objects and things we find in nature (it’s different every time), and animal cards. We remove it after we are done drumming. Many of the outdoor dances and retreats I have taken part in involve the creation of a community altar. A mandala made from objects found in nature could be considered an altar.
    • I usually make an altar when I teach ritual workshops or when running mother blessings.

    What do I use on my altar?

    Here is a list of everything I placed on my latest one. My altars change according to my focus and mood, and throughout the year too (I aim to refresh it every 3 months or so). I love magical objects and I have accumulated a rather large collection over the years, so please do not feel that you have to copy me, I only provide this list for inspirations and ideas:

    • A cloth to cover the table
    • Bear totem,  cards, framed picture, altar cloth, wand, stone and drum beater by Jaine Rose (can you tell I’m a fan of her work?)
    • Healing doll, and custom drumming doll by Fabricsoul
    • Clay dish by Eslpeth Owen
    • Miniature Amma doll (blessed by Amma)
    • Various crystals
    • Phoenix Egg (homemade gift from a friend)
    • Triskel painted stone
    • Items found in nature : seashell, hagstone, staurolite, feathers (Heron, swan, Macaw)
    • Small clay dish made by my daughter
    • Painted stones
  • Feeling like a blank slate

    Feeling like a blank slate

    Do you feel like a blank slate at the moment? Like everything you knew and used to do has been reset somewhat and you don’t quite know where you are going?  I’ve been feeling like this myself for the last 6 months or so and I want to share my experience to give insight and hope, and help you understand the power that exists in such a state.

    A few months ago I stopped working as a doula after ten years in this role. A period of intense discomfort followed. Now things have mellowed a bit but I still feel some low level of unknowing that makes me feel rudderless and unsettled. Patience isn’t my strength, and my ADHD brain functions at the speed of knots, so it’s difficult for me to accept a period of what feels like fallowness.

    However, having been through this process many times in my life, I recognise the signature of power and new beginnings. This time it feels softer than the forced situation that I experienced in 2019.  Maybe it feels softer because this time this is a crisis of my own doing. Nobody booted me out of my position. I chose to remove myself from my current role, which means that energy feels very different. 

    Last Autumn I had a realisation that I needed to step out of doula work in order to be able to realise my next vocation, which is to help people connect and lead from the heart instead of from the mind. The scary bit is that I had to step into the void in order to let this process happen. The other scary bit is that I do not yet know what the offer will actually look like.

    This time I chose to initiate the phoenix process myself. The rebirth is slower than I expected. Some days I feel calm and trusting in the process. Some days I feel the power of the void. Some days I feel irritable and frustrated. I want it to happen NOW! Yet something in me know that this isn’t the time yet, and that I have to spend some more time in the strange in-between (which is very similar to waiting for labour to start). Some inner wisdom knows that there is no point in trying to push water uphill. I need to surrender to the flow. Maybe that is part of the lesson I need to embody in order to progress to the next step.

    The process is like a train going through a tunnel, you cannot skip it, get out before it is finished, or speed it up, lest you’ll end up missing out on the lesson and have to go through it again until you get it. I guess it is easier because I’ve been there before and I have the insight and perspective of knowing that I’ll come out from the other side eventually. It doesn’t mean that it’s not challenging at times, but at least this time I have awareness of what is going on inside of me when I get frustrated.

    If this is what’s happening for you too, right now, I am not surprised because I feel that many of us are going through this accelerated growth at the moment. I see it around me, and in many of my friends. It’s a bit like when you’ve just had a baby and your old life don’t fit anymore. And you don’t know who you are anymore. It’s like you’re been broken into puzzle pieces and they cannot yet be assembled again.

    When you feel like a blank slate, this is because in order to grow and process things and rearrange the puzzle pieces, you have to let them go for now. So it can feel like everything you’ve learnt and done is no longer relevant. It can feel very unsettling.

    I’ve been feeling for some time that I no longer want to teach most of the things I’ve learnt from others, but rather create my own teaching from scratch and from my own unique experience, and help others do this for themselves. At this moment in time, we no longer need gurus but get insight from our inner knowing. 

    Last year I tried this out for the first time by creating a workshop about running mother blessings. I purposefully avoided looking at anybody else’s teachings, or read any books, and created the course for my own knowledge alone. People who attended the course and had already trained with me said it was the best course they had attended. I since made this knowledge into an online course. 

    I’m ‘blank slated’ about other things I used to teach too. I no longer want to teach Reiki, but rather something else entirely new, which would be more uniquely tailored and individual form of intuitive healing. 

    It is tempting to feel that I have learnt all these skills for nothing, and that I am wasting all these years of experience. Except I know that, when the time is right, the right pieces will reassemble themselves in the right order (and maybe some pieces will no longer be there and that’s ok too).

    I’m at the cusp of the menopause which is a rite of passage and transformation of its own. And I find it fascinating that I left science and started working as a doula exactly when my perimenopause started, and that I’m doing a similar huge change as I near the end of the process. I’ve also only recently learnt that the process led me to tip fully into ADHD when I was only borderline before.

    Perimenopause in some ways feels quite similar to puberty (although the changes are less visible externally and the energy is quite different). In the movie Inside out, a young girls’ emotions are represented by 5 personified characters who lead her brain. As she goes through puberty some parts of her brain disappear and new ones grow. I like this image (in fact I think I may watch the film again). Research tells us that this isn’t just figurative as brain cells do die in a “pruning” fashion during puberty and the menopause (a process called apoptosis).

    When parts of ourselves no longer serve us it can be difficult to let go. It can feel like we need to grieve too, very much as we do during other identity transformations such as puberty and new motherhood.

    If this feels true for you now, I’d love to hear about your experiences.

    Here are some of the people/books I enjoy and have found that provide supportive insight during times of transformation:

    • Lee Harris, an energy intuitive who provide a free monthly energy update on YouTube
    • Pamela Gregory, an astrologer, who provides a free monthly update on YouTube

    Books (I often listen to audiobooks whilst I drive or cook):

    • Broken Open: How Difficult Times Can Help Us Grow by Elizabeth Lesser
    • The Wild Edge of Sorrow: Rituals of Renewal and the Sacred Work of Grief by Francis Weller
    • Untamed by Glennon Doyle (I have read this one several times)
    • All the books written by Brene Brown (I’m a fan), and especially Braving the Wilderness
    • Energy Speaks by Lee Harris
    • Belonging By Toko-pa Turner

    Practises that help me to process my emotions and stay grounded

    • Placing my bare feet on the earth
    • Year round wild water swimming
    • 5rhythms dancing (a form of movement meditation, where you simply move to music according to what your body wants to do)
    • Shamanic drumming

    “You and I are the Phoenix. We too can reproduce ourselves from the shattered pieces of a difficult time. Our lives ask us to die and to be reborn every time we confront change—change within ourselves and change in our world. When we descend all the way down to the bottom of a loss, and dwell patiently, with an open heart, in the darkness and pain, we can bring back up with us the sweetness of life and the exhilaration of inner growth. When there is nothing left to lose, we find the true self—the self that is whole, the self that is enough, the self that no longer looks to others for definition, or completion, or anything but companionship on the journey. This is the way to live a meaningful and hopeful life—a life of real happiness and inner peace. This is the Phoenix Process.” Elizabeth Lesser, broken open.

  • What trying ADHD medication has taught me

    What trying ADHD medication has taught me

    A few days ago, a friend suggested that I try taking one of her ADHD meds. I was telling her about my desire to try medication as I felt overwhelmed all the time, and about my frustration at the wait required, even with private psychiatrists. She suggested I try her medication, so that I would know if it worked for me. I took one pill, and it was a revelation. For the first time in years, I felt calm and peaceful for most of the day. It made such a difference that thinking about how I felt before made me want to cry. 

    After taking the medicine, I went for a swim in the river. Usually after my swim I read a book or check stuff on my phone whilst I drink my coffee. This time I felt compelled to take my flask to sit on the stepladder at the water’s edge, without my book or my phone. I noticed this desire because it was really unusual for me.

    As I sat and sipped my coffee, doing nothing else but sitting and contemplating, I noticed things I had seen in so much details before, such as the reflection of the clouds and sun on the water, the dance of the damselflies on the water lilies, and many other details. It was so beautiful I was enthralled. It is not that I hadn’t seen these things before, but rather that I had never seen them in such beautiful mesmerising details. I hadn’t been able to see before because my brain was always so busy. 

    The most noticeable difference, the one that brought me close to tears, was the contrast with before. I felt so content, sitting there, doing nothing else but sitting and watching. I didn’t feel like I ought to be doing anything else. I hadn’t quite realised how fraught I had been feeling for such a long time until then.

    It felt as if before my brain was a train station with far too many trains coming in all at once, and now, fewer trains were coming in in slow and orderly fashion. And I could see them coming, instead of having to react to all of them without warning.

    Later when I came home I noticed that I no longer felt overwhelmed by doing stuff in my house, because rather than seeing the tasks all at once and feeling overwhelmed, the order in which they needed to happen was simple and clear. I also noticed that I was more patient with my family, calmer, had more clarity, and therefore felt able to better articulate my needs instead of feeling reactive.

    I did this experiment because I’ve been considering taking ADHD meds for some time, and I’m also aware, having spoken to my GP about it, that GP cannot prescribe them, it has to be done by  psychiatrist. The GP told me that it would be over a year long wait just to get a diagnosis, let alone prescription. I thought, OK I’m willing to go private for this. Only when I started contacting private psychiatrists, I discovered that they all have weeks long waiting list (the one that I was recommended as perfect for me isn’t taking new clients until at least January 2023!). Before putting energy into the process, I wanted to know if it was worth the effort, the fight, and the wait, and it seems that it might be.

    How I discovered that I had ADHD in my 50s

    If you had told me I have ADHD a year ago I would have laughed. I never did consider myself a neurodivergent person.

    A year ago, it was first suggested to me by a teacher that my youngest child might be autistic, and that this might be the cause of her struggles. I was dismissive at first, as she didn’t fit the image I had of autism in my mind (I now realise that this image was incredibly narrow). However, I started gathering knowledge on this topic. I read books and articles, I joined groups, and I talked to a lot of friends who had autistic kids.

    As I read it became clear that the teacher was right, and this led us down the route of getting a private diagnosis which confirmed this. Amidst the struggle, and the conflicting feelings that came with the diagnosis, the gift of discovering that I have an autistic child, was that the reading led me to discover my own neurodivergence. This is how I came to understand that I have ADHD (Actually I think I have ADD rather than ADHD. I don’t think I have the hyperactive part). I had this narrow view of ADHD being a little boy who fidget and cannot pay attention, so it had never occurred to me that this might be me. I’ve also learnt that it present very differently in female, who often mask it, and it’s very common for it not to be diagnosed until adulthood. I haven’t got a formal diagnosis yet, but I have diagnosed myself by taking self assessment questionnaires and reading and talking to friends who have it. Plus taking the drug was a confirmation as if I had a neurotypical brain it should have made me feel wired rather than calm. 

    There is a saying that what you focus on expand, and as I shared my newly discovered diagnosis with co-working people on the Focusmate app (This coworking app has been a revelation for me to overcome time blindness and procrastination. Perhaps not surprisingly it is full of neurodivergent people), someone suggested I join the Facebook group ADHD for Smart Ass Women. 

    This group was a revelation, and the accompanying podcast is fantastic. It really helped transform my view of ADHD. I learnt about so many high achieving women having it (I fit this bill myself) and it also helped me understand myself better. My ADHD symptoms weren’t that noticeable until I hit my early 40s, and when I listened to the podcast episode where a London doctor, Dr Susan Varghese explains that she didn’t have noticeable ADHD symptoms until the perimenopause, I thought, that’s exactly what happened to me. When I look back I always had ADHD traits, but the symptoms weren’t strong enough for it to be an issue until then.

    Discovering that I have ADHD has been extremely empowering. I’m able to understand myself so much better, and most importantly, be kinder to myself:

    • I understand why I feel so overwhelmed much of the time. 
    • I understand why over the last few years I’ve embarked on so many dopamine raising activities (such as cold water swimming and 5rhythms dancing).
    • I understand why trying to meditate whilst sitting still is so hard for me, and why drumming and movement meditation work better for me. I find it quite telling that I started blogging about my journey to get out of overwhelm about 5 years ago. I understand why working with coaches who have helped me organise my time in a holistic way has been invaluable, and also why working with other more mainstream coaches in the past only increased my overwhelm.
    • I understand why switching to a ketogenic diet 4 years ago has done wonders for my mental health.
    • I understand why even though I’ve put a lot of effort, tried so many lifestyle changes, complementary therapies, supplements and herbs, and that things seemed to be working for a while, as my hormonal profile changes further (I’m at the cusp of the menopause now), things that helped then no longer seem sufficient in helping to manage my symptoms right now.
    • Most importantly, as I’m learning I’m also starting to slowly put strategies and hacks in place to manage my overactive mind, my anxiety, and my overwhelm.

    Recent books I’ve read and  found really helpful:

    (On a side note, I used to find it challenging to find the time to read books, listen to podcasts or videos, and I’ve found it very helpful to listen to these things whilst I drive, prepare food, or do chores-it makes it far less tedious.)

    I’m hoping to explore more things and changes to put in place to manage my emotions and executive functioning better. I’m planning to pursue getting a formal diagnosis with a private psychiatrist and try medication to see if it works for me. I’m also planning to hire a ADHD coach.

    I will carry on sharing my journey to help others who are in the same situation. I’d love to hear if this resonates, or if you are on the same journey, what has worked for you.

    PS: I’m normally quite adverse to taking drugs, and much prefer more holistic options like better nutrition, supplements, and lifestyle changes. I have also tried dozens of complementary therapies. However, I am also in a position where I feel that these are currently not enough and I feel too overwhelmed by normal life most days to function well. For me, it is a tool, a bit like when people are so depressed they cannot function and using anti-depressant short terms can help them rise from the bottom of the abyss enough to make positive changes in their lives. The medication I tried is called Vyvanse (Lisdexanfetamine).

  • Why waiting 6 weeks after birth to have a massage makes no sense

    Why waiting 6 weeks after birth to have a massage makes no sense

    There is a belief in Western culture that a new mother needs to wait until 6 weeks post birth before she has a massage. We believe that we have to wait until we’ve had our 6 weeks check before we receive any treatment, and most people seem to believe this is true. In fact, there is a belief that it is harmful to have any form of treatment until we have been given the green light by a medical professional.

    What puzzles me about this, however, is that, in the UK at least, the 6 weeks ‘check’ with the doctor does not include any kind of physical examination as standard. It’s just a 10 min discussion appointment.

    How did we come to believe that we need to wait, and how did it come to be that we also believe that we are given a clean bill of health once that check which isn’t one, has taken place?

    As someone who has been immersed in postpartum bodywork for nearly 10 years, and because of the research I did for my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, it is clear to me that it makes no sense to wait, but it is potentially harmful, because it means that new mothers miss out on much needed nurturing and healing when they need it the most, during the immediate postpartum period.

    I wanted to know where the idea came from, so I asked massage therapists. From discussions with them it became clear that this is just a belief, and that the restrictions may have come from insurance companies, rather than from medical evidence.

    It’s old and outdated advice although I do think it’s helpful for therapists to have knowledge of how to work postnatally if they are going to work soon after birthing. For example, a level new three therapist with no previous experience would likely feel quite out of their depth. Training schools used to teach (and some probably still do) that the first six weeks were contraindicated and we were to wait for the g.p check before going ahead. It’s due to the ‘complimentary’ nature of the service as opposed to being an ‘alternative’ from allopathic medicine. Emma Kenny, massage therapist

    It is actually really helpful to massage in the first 6 weeks postnatally as long as you know what you are doing. There are many modifications and it is a potentially dangerous time so you need to know the contraindications too. It is also partly because the mum is still under medical care. Main issues are high risk of infection and of course knowing how to modify after different kinds of birth.  Suzanne Yates

    “The Royal Free London used to offer seated massage within hours of giving birth, in your postnatal ward bay. It was an amazing service and one that I took full advantage of after the birth of son (5yo). Sadly I think this is no longer offered.” Anna

    Beyond the massage therapy aspect itself, I also believe that this fear of having anything done prior to medical approval comes from the fact that we have handed over our wisdom to the medical worlds “experts” and that we lack so much trust in our own bodies, that we need for approval of a medical professional to tell us that something is safe.

    Why bodywork is important for new mothers

    Given the tremendous changes a mother’s body goes through, it is perhaps not surprising that cultures the world around have in common some kind of bodywork to rebalance and restore the new mother. I’m not talking about just any random massage, but a specific kind of bodywork designed to help speed up the healing process and changes that the new mother’s body undergoes after her baby has been born.

    When a woman grows and births a baby, her whole body undergoes remarkable transformations. Her uterus grows from the size of a pear to that of a watermelon. Her pelvis tilts forwards, the curves of her spine increase, the muscles and ligaments around her belly stretch and grow. The organs inside her abdominal cavity get pushed up to accommodate her growing baby. During the birth, her uterus, pelvis, pelvic floor and vagina open and stretch to let the baby out. Then, after the baby is born, her body has to undergo all those changes in reverse. These changes also include tremendous hormonal changes, and the beginning of lactation.

    With this in mind, it feels extremely illogical to me that we no longer have any process in place to ensure that all the bones, soft tissues and organs have gone back in an optimal position. All new mothers would benefit from some kind of ‘MOT’ post birth from a postpartum manual therapist, because it is easier to prevent or treat problems as they arise, rather than letting them set into a pattern that becomes a lot more difficult to resolve. Traditional postpartum wisdom across the world includes massage, binding and manipulations designed to help speed up this healing process and avoid future problems. Besides the therapeutic effect of specific bodywork, any type of massage is good because loving touch raises feel good hormones like oxytocin.

    The lack of bodywork support and the view of the postpartum body in the West.

    There is a lack of postpartum bodywork support, and a lack of understanding of what is normal post birth, and of what constitutes acceptable postpartum ailments. Issues like incontinence, diastasis recti, or uterine or bladder prolapse, receive no pre-emptive screening, and very little skilled support. They are often seen as a normal part of new  motherhood. This contributes to the lack of support for new mothers. In the UK, new mothers are generally given a leaflet about pelvic floor exercises, which can help some women, however, without knowing if you are doing it right, and connecting it with the breath and the rest of the core abdominal muscles, it doesn’t make much of a difference for many. Without support in place, it can also be difficult for new mothers to find the time do to these exercises. And, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the check-up that UK women undergo with their doctors at 6 weeks post birth is a 10 min appointment that includes questions but no whole body physical examination.

    When to have postpartum bodywork?

    French medical doctor and yoga teacher Dr Bernadette de Gasquet, who specialises in birth preparation and postnatal rehabilitation, explains in her book Mon corps après bébé that the first 6 weeks after birth is a transitional period, when everything is soft and pliable, and that there is the most opportunity to heal from the birth. She recommends a programme of simple exercises to help make use of this unique time. In another book called Le mois d’or she also explains the importance of closing the pelvis, and quotes the dissertation of a French midwife who chose to study the subject. I read the dissertation in question, which is, as far as I’m aware, the only scientific study of postpartum binding that exists. The author, Juliette Danis, used a simple binding around the pelvis, applied the day after the birth (in hospital) for an hour. In a group of 160 women, 64% of women described an improvement in their pelvic and perineal pain, and 79 out of 80 of the women who received the binding said they would recommend it. Danis concludes that the care given to the women after the birth using massages or wrapping has a positive effect both physically and psychically, and that it symbolically helps to redraw the contours of the body.

    In every continent, postpartum specific bodywork is (or was) part of the normal care for the new mother. This kind of bodywork often includes massage and binding with a cloth. Each culture has a slightly different approach, but the goal is to restore and “close” the mother after the birth, and help speed up the natural healing process. These massages usually encompass the understanding that there is a physical process that needs to be completed (helping return the body to its non-pregnant state), and an emotional/spiritual aspect too (honouring the birth process and the emotions associated with it, as well as the tremendous changes of identity that the new mother undergoes).

    Nearly ten years ago, I learnt a postnatal massage from South America called Closing the bones. The massage includes rocking the pelvis with a rebozo (a traditional Mexican shawl), a series of massage of the abdomen, hips and chest/arms, and finally using the rebozo again to wrap the pelvis, and the rest of the body, tightly. I have been giving this postnatal ritual to hundreds of women, as well as training several hundred people in offering it. More than a massage it is also a ritual that celebrates and honours the new mother, and can be very healing both physically and emotionally (regardless whether the birth was a positive experience or not).

    Postpartum massage rituals, such as closing the bones, are usually done during the first 4 to 6 weeks postpartum. These massages help the body heal faster after birth. They are similar around the world, because the needs of new mothers are the same regardless of their culture, something that Rachelle Seliga explains beautifully in this article.

    Having massaged many new mothers, some as soon as 24h after the birth, I can personally attest that it makes complete sense not to wait to provide some bodywork. Treating the widened pelvis, the flared ribs, the shrinking uterus, the bowels moving back into their original place, the changes in the breasts as the milk comes in, all the amazing transformative processes that the new mother undergoes within the days and weeks after the birth, as they actually occur, facilitates and speed up  healing and recovery.

    Obviously, this needs to be adapted depending on the birth (vaginal or cesarean in particular), and the physical condition of the mother. However, it is also a myth that nothing can be done post caesarean, because binding has been shown to have advantages post abdominal surgery. Cambridge osteopath Teddy Brookes, with whom I developed a massage called the postnatal recovery massage, told me how he massaged a new mother 2 weeks post caesarean to help the passing of retained placenta and membranes. This was for someone who had been told she needed to undergo surgery under general anaesthetic to remove the retained products. She passed the membranes the next day, therefore avoiding the surgery. I had myself had similar experiences with several of my clients.

    Of course each individual mother is unique and the best time for them to have a treatment in when they are ready. I believe, however, that a blanket restriction on the timing of postnatal massage treatments doesn’t serve new mothers. Each individual case needs to be looked, assessing the level of risks and benefits of treatment to each individual mothers, and adapting the treatment as required. When considering having or giving such a treatment, ask yourself: what are the risks of doing it, versus the risks of not doing it, and use this as the basis of a discussion with the person involved.

     

  • Closing the bones massage: why it is so expensive?

    Closing the bones massage: why it is so expensive?

    I recently massaged a new mother, who told me she felt she could only justify the expense because it was also her birthday.

    I get it, because I charge £150, It seems like a lot right? 

    Despite the fact that I have been offering and teaching this massage for nearly 10 years, and giving it to hundreds of women, there is a voice in my head which worries that I am charging too much.  And this is not even taking into account the huge investment I have taken in both time and money to attend training, and to buy equipment in order to offer the best treatment I can.

    We often take for granted what we are skilled at. And we dismiss the time, training, experience and effort it has taken us to get there. And when we start something new we often have impostor syndrome.

    Because of the new mother who felt she couldn’t quite justify the price, I found myself worrying if I was charging too much, and this led me to a reflection about what I charge for this work.

    I want to explain what goes into the cost to help both clients and therapists understand what is entailed. As well as new mothers struggling to justify spending money on themselves, many of my students struggle to charge enough for this work.

    First, a little of of history about how much I used to charge:

    When I started offering closing the bones in 2013, I gave it to my doula clients for free. Then a client asked me what she owed me for the massage. I said it was part of the services, but that if she wanted to pay me more she could. She added £30 to my postnatal doula fee for that week, so for a while I charged this. I then slowly put my prices up to £40, then slowly worked my way up to £120 over the course of ten years.

    Every time I put my prices up, it was after I had done a much longer massage ritual than I expected, especially when there was a lot of trauma. Often, the whole process would take half a day, including driving to my client and back (but not including packing and washing, more on that below). 

    Until today I had never broken down the price for myself like this,  and to be honest, writing it down came as a bit of a shock, and it was a very useful learning experience for me, as I finally understood how much work and love I put into this.

    For reference, people who offer the closing of the bones or the postnatal recovery massage in the UK charge range from about  £80 to over £300.

    Here is what organising and having a closing the bones or postnatal recovery massage entails. 

    Here is the process :

    1. Before the massage, I exchange calls and/or emails with the mother, about timings, and which version of the massage she prefers. Often this may take a 30 min phone call.
    2. I pack a huge bag of kit every time. I check and refill what needs refilling (like the massage oil, essential oils and herbal tea bags). This can easily take about 30 min. 

    My pack includes the following:

    • 2 memory foam yoga mats (or a massage table and table cover for the postnatal recovery massage) £70
    • A bolster to put under the knees £25
    • A padded memory foam mat to kneel on £20
    • 8 rebozos £250
    • 2 sarongs £10
    • 2 blankets £60
    • A bag full of massage oils, and essential oils, smudging products, herbals teas, and healing tools  £100
    • An essential oil diffuser £40
    • A Bluetooth speaker £100
    • A frame drum £300
    • A closing stick (I had mine custom hand-painted by an intuitive healer), £100

    Total cost: over £1000.

    Here are pictures of my equipment

    Then here is what I do in order:

    1. I drive to the mother’s house, up to 30 min (I’ve done longer drives on a few occasions too)
    2. When I get to the mother’s house, I listen to her birth story, and what she hopes to get from the massage (at least 30 min)
    3. I setup the mat or massage table and rebozos, the essential oil diffuser, the music, I set the room and myself up energetically and using smudge, 10 min
    4. I do the massage itself: rocking, massaging and binding (60 min or more)
    5. When the mother lays wrapped up, I read a poem, I sing, I drum over her, and I finish with some Reiki on her head and feet. 20 to 30 min or more
    6. While she rests and integrates, I make her a drink and bring it to her. 10 min
    7. I then allow another 30 min to unwrap, release the lower back, then debrief and chat
    8. I pack my gear, and say goodbye (10 min)
    9. I drive home (another 30 min)

    I always say the ritual takes 2h from start to finish but for me it almost always takes longer, because I do not want to rush listening to the birth story, doing the ritual, holding whatever emotions needs to be held, and a debrief afterwards. It’s not unusual for me to spend 3h there. I am generous with my knowledge, and I often also show new mothers to wrap their belly and hips afterwards. 

    When I get home, I unpack my bag. I wash all the rebozos and blankets, then dry them, fold them up, and repack my back. This takes another 20 to 30 min.

    The total time the average process takes is over 5h, which at a cost of £150, is only £30 per hour, which way below the cost of a typical massage per hour. In my area in Cambridge, a one hour massage starts at around £60 per hour. If I was to charge this much, a closing the bones ritual would cost £300. 

    I hope this helps you understand what offering this ritual entails, why it is priced at this cost. And I also hope it inspires you to get together with friends to buy such massages as gifts to new mothers & women.

  • Postnatal bodywork is a need not a luxury

    Postnatal bodywork is a need not a luxury

    I just gave a closing the bones massage to a new mother. She was only one week post birth.

    When we sat down to have the pre-massage chat (I always want to hear about how the birth went, and what the mother is hoping to get from the ritual), she explained that she only felt able to justify the cost of the massage to herself because it happened to be on her birthday.

    I felt so many emotions when I heard her say this. I felt sad for her (she just grew and birthed a whole new person, and yes didn’t feel she deserved nurturing). I also didn’t feel surprised, because in our culture we don’t value motherhood, we place value on the baby only, all the presents are for the baby, and it can be hard to justify spending money on yourself. I also felt brought back to my own experience as a new mother (and so had a lot of empathy for her), and finally I was reminded why we need to change our culture so much around what normal postpartum support looks like.

    There is still so much work to be done so that nurturing new mothers becomes seen as the norm once more, rather than an indulgent luxury.

    When I was a new mother myself, I didn’t feel able to justify hiring a postnatal doula, but I bought tons of useless stuff for my baby. Not having hired my birth doula during the postpartum is one of my biggest regrets, and I wrote  about it in my blog, I wish I had hired a postnatal doula. 

    Before booking the massage, whilst still pregnant, this mother had already voiced her hesitation at paying so much money for a massage.

    £120 might seem like a lot, right? But compare this to the cost of the average pram, or of all the gifts that people buy for the baby. Wouldn’t that money be better spent on nurturing the mother? If a bunch of friends got together to buy a new mother a voucher for this type of bodywork post birth, it would cost them the same amount each as some of the bouquets of flowers or baby toys that most new families receive, and if would have much more of an impact.

    (note: because I too worry about charging too much, and it is a theme I see within the cohort of students I train to offer this ritual, I have also written a separate blog in which I break down the price of the massage, and you’ll see that, for what I provide, it really isn’t a lot of money.)

    Every time I give a closing the bones or a postnatal recovery massage, I can see how it is a need, not a luxury, and this instance was no exception. The changes a mother’s body undergoes whilst pregnant, and somewhat in reverse after birth, plus the process of birthing itself, surely these warrant giving the body some love, some nurturing, some reverence even? And surely, having a treatment designed to help the body feel good and heal faster, and to give a window of deep rest, especially whilst battling with the demands and tiredness that looking after a newborn entails, should be the norm rather than the exception? After all, the mother singlehandedly grew and birthed a whole new person, surely she should be celebrated as the goddess that she is?

    Today, after the massage was finished, the mother said it was amazing, and way beyond her expectations. She said she loved everything, and that she couldn’t find the words. She said that it was so much more than a massage. She mentioned telling quite a lot of people about it. I was grateful that she loved it, and also grateful that it reminded me why this work is so important. 

    Much more than a massage is a word I had heard many times when I had given this ritual. It isn’t something one can be told about, it has to be experienced for oneself. The experience is different for everyone. It is a ritual, a slice of time for yourself, to be held and nurtured, to feel heard, to have your feelings and experience validated, to remember what it feels like to be safe. It is a gentle, nurturing and healing process of rocking, massaging, and wrapping, which can have healing effects at every level, physical, emotional, and spiritual. I should know, especially as I’ve had similar massages done on me recently by other people, and it was deeply healing.

    PS: I was delighted to be booked for a repeat massage by this mother a week later. She said that this time she wanted it just for herself, not because there was a special occasion.

    If you want to learn to offer this ritual, I offer an online course called the Postnatal rebozo massage and closing ritual, and I am running a rare live postnatal recovery massage course near Cambridge on the 18th of July with osteopath Teddy Brookes.

    Here is a little video of what the closing the bones and the postnatal recovery massage look like.

    Play

    Play

  • How to write a postnatal plan

    How to write a postnatal plan

    You may have heard of a birth plan, but have you heard about a postnatal plan?

    In our culture we are often focused on the birth, and most of all, on the baby. It is clear from the focus antenatal classes have, there is preparation for the birth, and also preparation for the postpartum, but the postpartum aspect is usually mostly focusing on babycare rather than on the mother’s needs (and I should know about it because I taught antenatal classes for several years). It is also clear from the presents expectant and new parents receive, which are also usually all for the baby.

    It didn’t used to be this way. In every culture around the world, there used to be (and still is in many cultures even today), a period of at least a month post birth during which the new mother didn’t lift a finger. The community (usually female relatives), rallied round and took care of her household, so all she had to do was rest, eat nutritious food people prepared for her, receive healing bodywork treatments, and get to know her new baby. Compare this to what we get in the Western world: two weeks paternity leave, and then you’ve on your own.

    Because we no longer live in a culture that understands and supports the need for recovery post birth, writing a postnatal plan is a fantastic way to ensure that there is support in place for after the birth, and that you aren’t alone trying to meet your own needs and the intense needs of a newborn baby (as well as running a house, and maybe looking after older children too).

    I love this quote by Jojo Hogan, a postnatal doula who created the Slow postpartum movement.

    “If birth is like a wedding day (lots of planning, high expectations, being the centre of attention, lasts for about a day or so, get something special at the end), then the postpartum should be like a honeymoon (Equal amounts of planning and investment. Time, space and privacy to relax, bond and fall in love. Lots of people and services around to care for and look after you and a peaceful and blissful environment where all your needs are met for a few days or weeks).”

    As you would plan for your honeymoon, it is well worth putting plans in place for your baby moon, i.e. creating your own postnatal plan. Just like planning for birth, this isn’t about having a rigid plan. The magic isn’t in the finalised plan, or to have a ‘perfect’ plan, it is in the process of exploring options (some of which you may not even know exist) and getting informed so that you can have an experience which is as positive as possible, regardless of what happens.

    I use this analogy: you need to find what’s in a buffet, before you decide what you’d like to eat (I explain this process in my blog called The buffet curator).

    You don’t know how you’ll feel in advance. You don’t know what curveballs life might throw you (for example: your birth might happen sooner or later than you expected, it might unfold differently from what you had hoped, you might need to stay for a while in the hospital, your baby might need to stay for a while in the hospital etc).

    So just like for birth, it’s worth having thought about all the options, so that, regardless of how your birth unfolds, and how your baby comes into the world, and how you end up feeling once you’re home with your baby, you have at least some form of support in place.

    You may encounter people who dismiss your idea. “You can’t plan birth ” is a common phrase used to dismiss birth plans. Because a postnatal plan is an even newer concept than a birth plan, you may encounter some dismissiveness or negativity. People might say “what’s this newfangled thing, we didn’t need that in our time” or “you don’t need that” from people who don’t understand the point, because they did not do it themselves. Some of my clients who have written postnatal plan have encountered reactions from relatives who even said “I didn’t have support, I just got on with it”, implying that they suffered, and you should too. Therefore you might need to choose carefully who will be part of your postnatal support team, who to discuss it with, depending whether they are likely to be supportive or dismissive. In the vulnerable tender state of new motherhood, the last thing you need is being criticised for your choices. After all, you just single handed grew and birthed a whole new human, and you should be revered as the goddess that you are.

    How to you write a postnatal recovery plan? It’s simple really, because a nurturing postpartum boils down to 4 pillars: Social support, Rest, Food and bodywork.

    Here is a list of these topics with prompts, which you can use as basic to start write your postnatal plan.

    Rest

    • Help with household (chores, cooking, cleaning, other children etc make a list of potential helpers)
    • Visitors-list them/how to manage them so they do not interfere with rest/write a “new mother and baby sleeping” note for the door.
    • Naps/sleep when the baby sleeps/early nights/sleep with your baby
    • Relaxation: techniques and apps

    Food

    • Batch cook and freeze
    • Who can make/bring you some/meal trains
    • Deliveries (supermarkets, take away meals, frozen, fresh, meal boxes)
    • Nutritious non perishable snacks
    • Use a sling so you have your hands available to make yourself something to eat.

    Bodywork

    • Postnatal massages/closing the bones massage
    • Specialist manual therapists such as osteopaths, chiropractors, and physiotherapists
    • Wrapping your pelvis/abdomen
    • Keeping warm

    Social support

    • Friends, family, neighbours
    • Hired help (doulas, nannies, cleaners…)
    • Online support (social media, WhatsApp groups…)

    Planning for the unplanned:

    You might want to include a part on navigating possible curveballs. For instance if you end up giving birth by caesarean when this wasn’t part of your plan and what your recovery might look like if that’s the case.  If you end up having a longer than expected hospital stay after the birth, or if your baby needs to stay in hospital for a while.

    There are many ways to create a postnatal plan. You could write one, and you could also make a mindmap or a vision board, of draw something or whatever other modality appeals to you.

    You can download a free postnatal recovery plan template as a PDF on my website front page.

    If you’d like to learn more about this topic, feel free to browse my blog for more posts on this topic. My book, Why postnatal recovery matters has a whole chapter on writing a postnatal recovery plan, and my online course How to prepare for a nurturing postpartum, has a whole module on it.

    This coming Tuesday 28th of June I am also running a free Webinar called How to prepare for a nurturing postpartum.