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Sophie Messager

Author: Sophie Messager

  • How to run a solo heart business without burning out

    How to run a solo heart business without burning out

    I have vivid memories of my first burnout, in 2013. This was my first year as a doula,  and clients came thick and fast (I became recognised for both birth and postnatal work within 10 months). I LOVED every minute of my first year as a doula. It gave me such a sense of fulfilment, that I often cried tears of emotion and gratitude. But I did too much, too fast. Towards the end of the year, I was juggling 3 postnatal clients living 45 min away from each other. I would drive to the first client, then the other in succession, each day. Lunch would be a sandwich eaten whilst driving. I felt physically, emotionally, and (that was new to me) spiritually empty. I had never experienced anything like this before. I called my mentor, and told her about my struggle. My wise mentor explained that, due to the spiritual nature of this work,  I needed to develop new ways of looking after myself. She also explained that I needed to keep some energy for myself, and not give all of myself to my clients. At the time I dismissed her because it felt wrong to me, I didn’t know how to do this, and thought that I could either give it all or give nothing. I shared more about this story in a blog post I wrote 7 years ago, called The Refuelling station, the importance of self care for doulas and birthworkers.

    A solo heart business is a business that is driven by passion and a desire to make a positive impact, rather than solely profit-driven. It is possible (and necessary) to grow a business enough to make is sustainable, so that you can keep working, and therefore helping others. Here I share my experience with burnout as a solo heart business owner and offer insights on how to avoid burnout while still running a successful business.

    As my self-employed life grew and evolved, I learnt to balance my needs and those of my clients, and felt that I had found equilibrium. But, naturally, new challenges occurred. Three years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I was busier than ever, working more hours than I wanted to, yet I realised that I wasn’t earning as much as I needed to make it sustainable. I felt stuck, and unable to work out the income and needs puzzle. I hired a coach to help me get out of that stuck place. It did work on some level, and certainly did wonders for my visibility, but this coach worked at a level that was too intense for me. So whilst my business grew, I also got more stressed, and felt guilty when I wasn’t doing all the social media stuff I’d been recommended to do. 

    There was a defining moment, where I stopped to pick some berries on my way back from a meeting, and I felt guilty that I had stopped, because I felt I ought to be at my desk, working. I knew then that something had to change. I embarked on a process to learn to make space in my life. I used to think that I could only allow myself to relax once I had done all the tasks in my to-do list (but that time never came).  I learnt that I couldn’t make more space in my life by working harder. To create space and relaxation, I had to experience what spaciousness felt like, and give myself that experience. This is what led me to start practising year round wild swimming. I wrote about this in my post called getting out of overwhelm.

    Over the years, I’ve spent a lot of time trying to “fix” myself and my overwhelm, believing that if I found the right method,  the right tools, my overwhelm and procrastination would go away. I bought countless diaries that promised to fix my woes. Only it never worked, as the pressure, the tension, was inside of me, and no magic technique was going to fix that. If I had been a tree, it was as if I was focusing on pruning tiny branches, when I really needed to look at my roots. I talk about the steps I took towards solving this in my review of 2020. 

    Over the last 3 to 4 years I have taken this further. I have learnt to create to-do lists that create calm instead of stress, and that take into account how much energy and space/time I have. I learnt that I had to put the self care tasks in the diary first, then my family tasks, and only then the work tasks. I go through the same order when I write my Ta-da list at the end of each week.

    Find a support network of people who share your values, a mix of peers and mentors. I have been working with authentic marketing coach and joyful productivity coach George Kao for the last couple of years. I am very grateful for him as he’s like a zen master of running one’s business, and because he creates the most amazing community of heart centred business owners. On a recent call, he explained that when working as a solopreneur, it is paramount to keep things sustainable for yourself. He said that he’s the only one still going 10 years later, from the group of peers who started  with him 12 years ago. Thanks to working with George, my business is growing slowly, at a rate of growth that doesn’t feel overwhelming.

    Remember that the most important work isn’t to take a course. Anybody can consume a course, because that’s easy. The results do not come from attending a course, they come from applying what you learnt in the course. This takes implementation, effort, time, and continuity. This cannot be done in one day. You need to implement this in tiny little steps, as if training for a marathon instead of a sprint, so you can keep going.

    There are plenty of marketeers and coaches who charge thousands and promise you a 6 figure income in 6 months if you follow their system. In my experience, it doesn’t work like that. Each one of us is unique, with a unique set of circumstances. There is no magic, one-size-fits-all recipe, but the time and effort required to build an audience of true fans slowly, authentically, and with integrity.  

    Since running market research and impostor syndrome and soul doula interviews, I’ve been saddened to hear about several new birth workers who got in debt (several thousand pounds on credit cards) when they just started their business, for a very expensive course out of which they got very little value. 

    My two favourite business coaches, George Kao and Leonie Dawson, who are extremely successful individuals, offer courses that cost between 100 to 200 dollars each. Those courses are packed with information. They have also taught me that expensive courses aren’t better than cheap ones. The price difference is a marketing decision.

    In summary, here are the principles I like to work with for sustainable business growth:

    • Put the wellbeing tasks in the diary first.
    • Start with an overview of what’s really important instead of getting bogged down in lots of tiny, unimportant tasks. Do a 3 month overview of small ,bullet point goals, then break it down in monthly, then weekly goals. 3 main bullet points for each are enough.
    • Prioritize your passion and purpose, and what makes your heart sing. Stay true to your values.
    • Plan the work week based on what’s important for you and my family, how you want to feel, and how you currently feel. Schedule things accordingly in the diary, rather than letting your clients dictate what your diary looks like.
    • Grow in tiny little do-able steps. Try something new (pick the thing that excites you the most), and see what happens. Only once a step has become easy and regular, add another one. 
    • Be aware of your energy. Plan work accordingly, making space for family tasks that will impact energy levels. Accept that you may have periods of high productivity, followed by low energy periods. On low days, drop all but essential tasks to prioritise rest (I have a lot of resistance to this, but if I don’t rest, I pay the price dearly, as I still try to work, achieve nothing, then beat myself up for not working AND not resting. When I give myself the permission to rest, my energy usually recovers very quickly. If you know about human design, I have the 2/4 profile so it’s part of who I am to function this way. )
    • Plan small achievable goals, and not over busy your to-do list, so you can build up confidence and a sense of achievement, instead of beating yourself up with not having achieved everything. Things often take longer than you think, and life gets in the way.
    • Have a work day with focused time of around 2 to 4h per day (At the most energetic time for you), keep easier stuff that doesn’t require a lot of brain power for lower energy times.
    • When feeling in a funk, acknowledge it and work with your feelings, instead of trying to plough through and try to flog yourself to be further ahead. Doodle, journal, dance or meditate on it.
    • Try not to compare yourself to others, or get too caught up in external pressures or expectations.
    • Stay true to your passion and purpose, reminding yourself of what makes your heart sing. Try not compare yourself to others, as we are all different.
    • Celebrate the achievements at the end of each week by writing a Ta-Da list.

    To finish, I want to stress that I am far from having all my shit sorted out. It’s a process. I’m un-layering a lot of things, and I know that, as I keep growing, I always will. Over the last year, I learnt that I have ADHD, which explains a lot of things. Learning this has helped me realise that I have spent most of my life being really hard on myself. I am working on being kinder and more compassionate. This feels more important than anything right now. Overall, I feel much happier and more balanced in my life than I have ever been. I want to keep growing my business slowly, from a place of authenticity, integrity and sustainability. I want to be of service to a small audience of people who are really interested in what I have got to offer, and help them grow themselves too.

     

    PS: The illustration above was created using the AI generator Mindjourney. I’ve just started taking George Kao’s course on AI tools for authentic business.

     

  • You know enough. Share it now (How to tame your inner impostor)

    You know enough. Share it now (How to tame your inner impostor)

    Do you have impostor syndrome? Do you worry that you don’t know enough, don’t do enough, and don’t have enough knowledge to share what you feel passionate about yet? Do you feel that you have to get more training, more experience, read more books, listen to more people, and attend more courses, etc before you can finally offer some of your own knowledge to others?

    If this resonates, I empathize, because I used to feel the same way. When I stepped out of biological research and into the world of pregnancy, birth and postpartum, I had huge impostor syndrome. I can still picture how I felt when I went to do my first babywearing consultation in 2010. I went to visit a new mum at her house with a bunch of slings and helped her find a baby carrier that worked for her and her baby.  I spent a couple of hours with her (not counting the time to travel) and only charged £15 for it. She was delighted with the result of the consultation. Yet I worried that it was wrong to charge for it, that I wasn’t good enough, etc.

    It didn’t even cross my mind to think that had spent well over £1000 in training, equipment and insurance. It didn’t occur to me that I had carried both of my children for over 4 years in tens of different styles of baby carriers. It didn’t occur to me that I’d been immersed in groups of babywearing professionals and parents both locally and further afield for years. All I could think about was how I felt I wasn’t good enough and it didn’t feel ok to charge for it. I worried my clients would tell me this was a rip-off.

    I felt the same when I taught my first NCT antenatal course in 2010, despite 4 years of training which culminated in a university diploma in antenatal education! I felt the same when I attended my first birth as a doula.

    Thankfully, I’ve been on quite a journey since I wrote my first blog post about impostor syndrome in 2017.

    My underlying fear about not being good enough when offering something new was still there a couple of years ago though. I felt it in February 2020 when I ran my first drum circle. I charged £10 per person and I worried that they would think it was too much and that the circle wasn’t good enough for the price!. I spent hours preparing for it. I bought books and read about how to run drum circles; I contacted friends who ran them for advice etc. I wrote a very detailed teaching plan on an excel spreadsheet. Of course the circles were a success and people were absolutely delighted with it.

    The biggest step in my journey to overcome the impostor syndrome happened over the last 18 months because I discovered trainings by empowering business teachers such as Leonie Dawson (I took her course about creating online courses), but most of all, because I started training with Authentic marketing coach George Kao. (for transparency’s sake I want to be honest about the fact that I know have affiliate links with both of them).

    What I learnt from learning from George and Leonie is that I know enough, right now, with my experience as it is, to help others on their journey and make a difference. I don’t need to read more, learn more, etc before I offer what I want to offer to others. I am pretty sure that it is true for you too.

    How far I have come became very obvious in September 2021, when I taught a brand new workshop on how to run mother blessings. For the first time in my life I felt confident enough in my experience and knowledge to plan to teach a course without having created the contents first. I booked the date for in person workshop and then wrote the entire course content within the 2 weeks before the course. I was very tempted but I resisted checking out what other people had done or written on the topic (including reading any books).  Every time I felt tempted to check other people’s work, I heard George’s voice in my head saying “You already know enough to really help a lot of people”. Here is an excerpt from his blog post about this topic:

    “Are you hesitant about putting your work out there? 
    What if you get clients that you can’t help? 
    What if there’s another course that will finally give you the tools you need?
    If you’re saying Yes to any of the above, you are under the illusion that there is an end or final destination to the acquisition of knowledge, skills, and experience.  There isn’t. Forever, there will be more knowledge out there that feels like it could be “the key”. Even if you get multiple Ph.D.’s, you’ll still feel like you don’t know enough. ”

    Thanks to George I was able to write an entire course based on my knowledge and experience alone, as opposed to inspiring myself from other people. And you know what? It felt great! I felt inspired, and amazed by all the knowledge I didn’t know I had until I wrote it all down. There was too much to fit within a one day course! I not only created the course content but also a course handout. I felt proud of what I had produced. And, for the first time in my life, I tamed my inner impostor.

    I taught the course at the end of September, and every single one of the seven birthworkers who attended gave me brilliant feedback. They also said they found it hard to believe that it was the first time I taught this course, and one of them who had attended previous training with me even said that this was the best course I had taught yet. I believe this was because this was entirely my knowledge and unique way to teach that imbued the course, and therefore it felt very good and aligned energetically.

    This felt very validating, and it taught me a very valuable lesson. As it was the first time in my life I had created teaching content without anybody else’s input, it made me realize that I want to do this more, and that I want to encourage others to do the same. I structured the course so people could pick and choose activities from the material what they resonated with, rather than following a prescriptive recipe. I have since made this course available as an online course.

    As I reflected I also realized that I always preferred teaching people to things in their own way after training with me.

    It helped me understand that I want everything I teach to be this way from now on. For instance I want to teach an intuitive drum healing course rather than a Reiki Drum course, because teaching from my own unique experience, and sharing this in a way that empowers others to do the same, which is to find their own unique way, is what gives me the most joy. It is also more empowering to my students, as they won’t fear that they are doing it wrong.

    Last year I ran some impostor syndrome mentoring sessions (feel free to contact me if you’d like to try one), and I realized that most people are where I used to be. It feels very good to help them overcome this.

    My message to you is: You know enough, right now, as you are, with your life experience, to help others along their path. Even if you only know 10% more than others, you can help them.

    The image I have in my mind is that we are all climbing a big mountain, and the kindest thing we can do is to pull each other up all the way to the top.

    If you do not share what you know, create your course or write your book, or whatever you want to share with the world, people will be missing out of the transformation that your unique knowledge might give them.

    Start sharing now.

    PS: I’ve carried on on my journey since, creating 3 new online courses from scratch, trusting that I will just download what’s in my brain and lived experience, to share with others. The impostor monster still tries to raise its head a little when I think about what I’m planning to offer next, which is completely outside of my previous field (helping others lead from the heart and discover their soul purpose), as it’s the journey I’m on myself, but now I can see it and tame it, which is a big progress from before, when I didn’t even see that it was an illusion.

  • What is closing the bones?

    What is closing the bones?

    Closing the bones is a traditional postpartum massage ritual. It is most known for its Mexican and South American heritage, but versions of it exist on all continents.

    Depending on the culture, a closing the bones ritual involves different elements. There is a massage, done using scarves or with the hands or both, and a ritual tightening of scarves around the body. In some cultures, such as the Mexican, North African, and Russian version, the ritual also includes the use of a steam bath.

    The closing the bones I offer is a blend of Ecuadorian and Mexican traditions, with modifications created together with osteopath Teddy Brookes. The ritual starts with rocking the whole body with rebozos (a type of Mexican shawl), massaging of the abdomen, hips, ribs, chest, and shoulders, followed by more rocking of the pelvis, and finally wrapping the body tightly with 7 rebozos. The video below gives you a taster of what the ritual looks like.

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    In the Mexican version of the ritual, as shown in this video by Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver, the ritual starts with a whole body massage, followed by a steam bath, a period of sudation under lots of blankets, and finally the sequential tightening using rebozos.

    What does closing the bones do?

    Closing the bones is not just a massage, but a specific kind of bodywork designed to help speed up and enhance the healing process and changes that the new mother’s body undergoes after her baby has been born. A closing the bones massage helps healing by providing healing movement in the joints, muscles, tissues and fluids. It provides much needed space to simply rest and be and be held, as well as for emotions to be honoured, witnessed and released. Finally, it provides closure, and brings the energy back to the mother.

    Having massaged hundreds of women for over ten years, some as early as 24h post birth, and some as late as 47 years post birth, I know the following: This ritual provides a space for physical nurturing, but also maybe more importantly, holds a space for whatever needs to be expressed, witnessed and released. It is different for every person, depending on what has happened to them. For some it is a joyful honouring, for others it is a space to acknowledge and let go of difficult emotions. 

    I have seen very significant shifts happen in people after it, either physically or emotionally or both. 

    Physical aspects:

    • Very early post birth, it speeds up the healing process. When the uterus is still high in the abdomen and the internal organs are still working their way down in the abdomen, I can feel under my hands how ‘open’ the new mother is, how everything is shifting.
    • Many women have told me that their hips, or back, or both felt much better, more mobile, comfortable and more ‘together’ after the massage. 
    • It is a very relaxing and nurturing treatment and people look more ‘glowy’ and relaxed afterwards.
    • Sometimes the level of healing is so powerful it is difficult to believe. Once I massaged someone who had had a caesarean 15 years ago and whose skin had been numb between her pubic bone and belly button since then. The day after the massage, sensation returned to her skin. I have also seen years old diastasis recti (separation of the stomach muscles) disappear after the massage.

    Emotional aspects

    • People often have big emotional releases during the ritual. It helps whatever emotion pain was held to come out.
    • Many times after the massage people tell me that something significant happened in terms of transition: They got their period back for the first time since the birth, they moved their toddler into their own room, they had a big row with their partner which cleared the air etc.

    Spiritual/energetic aspects

    • It can help move energy that is stuck and therefore provide very deep healing. Once a mother told me that she felt the “brain fog” she had had since her toddler was born 2 years ago being lifted after receiving the massage.
    • Once I massaged a mother who was stooped forward since the birth like an old lady and couldn’t stand up straight. During the massage she had a big emotional release. Afterwards she could immediately stand up straight again.

    Loss, and baby loss

    • Women have repeatedly told me it was extremely helpful for them to integrate a loss, and particularly for perinatal loss. 

    “I came along to the Closing the Bones Training about a year after my baby had died. Towards the end of the ceremony, as I was being rocked deep shudders started going through my body and as the rebozo was pulled tight around my pelvis I felt a huge emotion that even now I am not sure what to call it. It felt as though the protective bubble I had formed around myself moved away and with that my baby – as if I was releasing him. Sobs racked my body. All the grief, the anger, the exhaustion, all the disbelief of what had happened came pouring out. I hadn’t realised how much I was holding on to. I felt the women form a circle around me and felt what it was like to have a safe space held for me, allowing me to just be there in my wild tumult of emotion. I heard someone singing the most beautiful song and someone stroking my hair, hands touching me sending love and support”  Rosie

    • Being the older sister of a stillborn baby and someone who had recurrent miscarriages I have somewhat specialised in giving this ritual after loss. I massaged my own mother, over 40 years after the loss of my baby brother, on the anniversary of his birth, and it was very healing. I wrote a blog about how closing the bones can help after baby loss.

    Not just for new mothers

    • I have given this massage to maidens, to new and not so new mothers, and to crones. I believe it can benefit anyone of any age or gender.

    When is closing the bones done?

    There are variations depending on the culture, but is it usually done within the first 4 to 6 weeks postpartum. The version I learnt is done as soon as possible after the birth, and with straightforward vaginal births, I have done it as soon as 24h post birth, and that’s when I found that it was the most beneficial. However it is never too late and I’ve seen women having very powerful healing experiences with it years after birth.

    What does science says about it?

    As you can imagine and as is the case with much traditional wisdom around the postpartum, there isn’t a lot of published research or written words on the subject. In the research for my book I found a couple of pieces of published evidence to back up this process:

    French midwife Juliette Danis, chose to study the subject in her thesis. Juliette used a simple binding around the pelvis, applied the day after the birth for an hour. She used questionnaires to evaluate its effect on pain in the pelvic area on a group of 160 women. 64% of women described an improvement in their pelvic and perineal pain after the treatment. 79 out of 80 of the women who received the binding said they would recommend it. Juliette explains that the care given to the women after the birth using massages or wrapping has a positive effect both physically and psychically, and that it symbolically helps to redraw the contours of the body. 

    Wrapping after the postpartum used to be recommended in the UK too. In the book ‘An Introduction To Midwifery’ (Donald 1915) the authors explain in detail how to bind the pelvis and abdomen and says that “The binder is used merely to give external support to the loose abdominal wall.”

    To have some form of validation behind the techniques, I practised the techniques extensively with osteopath Teddy Brookes, who gave me some wonderful insight about the effect of each of the massage mouvements on the various joints and organs, how the body benefits from them, as well as reassurance about how effective and gentle they are. 

    In conclusion

    Closing the bones is a beautiful healing ritual, and the most powerful form of postpartum bodywork I know. I want as many people as possible to know about this. My vision is a world where postpartum bodywork becomes the norm once more, and closing the bones something every new mother expects and receives after birth.

  • Belly binding made easy

    Belly binding made easy

    When you think about belly binding after birth, what pops into your mind? Do you see a long thin cloth wrapped many times in a complex way around the abdomen? Do you imagine something complex that takes a long time to learn? Do you believe that there is a “right” way to do it, and that you don’t know how to do that, and therefore cannot help others? Do you believe that it could be damaging?

    I used to believe this myself, I’ve lost count of how many times people have asked me if the type of binding described above is the “best” kind of binding. I’ve also helped many new mothers who were gifted such a long cloth and didn’t use it because they didn’t know how to, to learn that binding can be really simple.

    Belly binding, or postnatal wrapping as I like to call it, is the process of using a piece of fabric, a wrap or belt, to support the abdomen, or pelvis, or both, during the postpartum. It is a worldwide practice, even though it has fallen out of fashion in the Western world.

    I first learnt to wrap myself 10 years ago. As I offered it to my clients, and later started to teach it, I saw how much women, regardless of age, or whether postpartum or not, loved it. it became so present in my life that I started using it for myself at different times, such as when I was on my period, or when I was teaching, and I realised how comforting it was.

    I still had a misguided belief that it would not be helpful during the postpartum because my grandmother wore a corset and it made her muscles weak. My osteopath reassured me that it was safe to use mindfully for a few weeks during the postpartum. The research I did for my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters, led me to discover how universal it was, including finding references to it in old British and French midwifery and medical books.

    Wrapping the abdomen and hips during the postpartum is very beneficial because it provides much needed nurturing support.. Physically, wrapping provides support to unstable joints and muscles, as well as comfort and warmth. Emotionally, it brings us back to our bodies and provides a sense of being contained. Energetically and spiritually, it also helps us come back to ourselves.

    I want to demystify the process and help you see that it really is simple. 

    Wrapping tools fall into 3 categories: 

    • Scarves (such as rebozos, pashminas, babywearing wraps, and other pieces of cloth)
    • Velcro wraps and belts (such as belly wraps and sacroiliac belts)
    • Items of clothing (such as Haramakis, support underwear and support leggings)

    Some methods are super easy (you already know how to put on clothing 😉 ) and some methods (wrapping a long cloth around yourself) require a bit more practise and skills.

    Wrapping is like choosing a pair of jeans, so there is no “right” tool, just a range of tools to choose from. It’s very much like choosing a baby carrier: some people prefer wraps, and some prefer more structured carriers. If you are someone who wants to help new mothers choose a method of wrapping, knowing this removes the  pressure to get it right, or find the “best” method of wrapping. All you need to do is offer a range of wrapping options to choose from and let them decide what feels good. How liberating is this?

    Read more, including tutorials, research and links to various wrapping tools in my blog post The Lost Art of Postnatal Wrapping.

    If you would like to learn how to offer wrapping to new mothers and feel confident in using all the tools described above, checkout my new online course, The Art and Science of Postpartum Wrapping.

     

  • Dancing with chaos: my review of 2022

    Dancing with chaos: my review of 2022

    Every year I write a post where I review my year. It is a form of journaling exercise. I realised several years ago that I write deeper stuff if I plan to share it. The exercise has several purposes for me: to give me a deep reflective experience, to give me a chance to review and celebrate my achievements (because I tend to focus only on what I’m not doing otherwise), and finally, to share experiences and stories in the hope that it might resonate, and help my readers feel supported, gain insight and support growth. I also feel that sharing tough stuff can help others feel less lonely. I know that many of us, myself included, have a tendency to believe that others have got their shit together and that we are the only ones struggling, but this is simply not true.

    This is a long and tough read. You might want to make yourself a hot drink and set aside 10 minutes to read and digest it.

    2022 has been a year of extreme challenges and painful growth for me.

    The challenges

    I’m really glad this year is over. It’s been a year of immense transformation and growth but it’s been hard. Really hard. As psychologist Naomi Holdt explained:

    “No one I know began this year on a full tank.  Given the vicious onslaught of the previous two years  (let’s just call it what it was) most of us dragged ourselves across the finish line of 2021… frazzled, spent, running on aged adrenaline fumes…We crawled into 2022 still carrying shock, trauma, grief, heaviness, disbelief… The memories of a surreal existence…” (read the whole post here).

    The biggest theme for me in 2022 was having to adapt to a constant level of change and challenges and struggle to adapt and balance my needs, the needs of my family, and my work. All year long, I felt that I was dancing with chaos.

    I’m going to share about what’s been happening in my family first because that has been the most prominent thing for the year.

    The last couple of years were extra hard for my family, because my youngest child suffered from increasingly severe anxiety and mental health challenges. In February 2022, my youngest was diagnosed with ASD (Austism Spectrum Disorder). I felt both relieved and upset when I heard the clinical psychologist give the diagnosis. Relieved because school had been treating us like we were making a big deal out of nothing. I did wonder at first whether spending so much money on a private diagnosis would be worth it, but as I discovered, you only get taken seriously once your experiences are ratified by a health professional.

    After the diagnosis, we started the epic fight with the education and health systems in order to get the support we needed. This fight has made my doula fights with maternity care feel like a Disney movie in comparison. The school not only did nothing to help, but also threatened us with fines for non attendance. As we felt powerless through lack of specialist knowledge, we hired a private SEND practitioner, Laura, to support us. I call her a SEND doula. Thanks to her intervention (very similar to doula support in terms of reminding people of their rights and quoting the law at the system) from March onwards, the school paid for private tutors to provide education at home. 

    Supported by Laura, we started the process of applying for an EHCP. An EHCP, also known as Education, Health and Care plan, is a legal document which describes a child or young person’s special educational needs, the support they need, and the outcomes they would like to achieve. This document is supposed to get the local authority (LA) to pay for specialist support or provision. As the government has been underfunding education as well as healthcare for many years, the LA simply doesn’t have enough money to support all the SEND children in the area, the local authority does everything they can to make parents fail their EHCP application, or to downplay the issues. We started writing the application in March, submitted it in August, and got our first draft application early December. I spent over 30h (including 5h in meetings with my SEND advocate), to make sure all deliberate mistakes and omissions in the document had been corrected. 

    I have a PhD, I am lucky to be able to afford the support of a private advocate. I am also self-employed and therefore able to take the time off to focus on getting this done. I have the support of a husband who is employed and has a salary. Yet I still found this process extremely challenging and difficult. It was like being buried in paperwork, as well as learning to navigate something you know nothing about. I am so angry when I think about what it must feel like for less privileged parents.

    My advocate tells me that we may have to take the LA to tribunal. A recent article shows that the LA decision was only upheld in 3.7% of tribunal cases, which means that it was found in over 96% of them that the LA had acted unlawfully. But tribunals take time (many months), and LA saves money this way by not having to pay for what a SEN child needs to attend education whilst they wait for the appeal. 

    The fight is nowhere near finished, but at least I managed to get this mammoth task done, and this meant that I could rest during the holiday season, ready to taking the fight back on in January (I’ve now just finished reviewing the second draft, and expecting the final document any day).

    Alongside this process, I visited many specialist schools, and after a lot of heartache, thankfully found an amazing small school that feels perfect. We were able to access it because I had put us on the waiting list a year before. As you can imagine all of these schools are massively over subscribed. After visits and try-out sessions, this school offered us a place, pending government funding. This is for a child who started to be unable to function in mainstream secondary school in early 2021. This is how long it has taken, and this isn’t finished yet. The place isn’t until next September.

    Now the battle is to get the funding, as this school isn’t cheap (22k a year). At first I thought this sum was mind blowing and that there was no way we’d get it funding. However, whilst researching other specialist schools locally, I realised that some of them cost as much as 66k per year!

    As well as battling the education, things got bad enough for my child’s mental health to finally get a CAMH referral, something we had been asking for 2 years. The hardest part when things got really bad was discovering that we had nowhere else to go, as even private psychiatrists who charge eye watering amounts of money, had weeks or months long waiting lists. Despite the referral being successful, we waited for so long for it to be actioned, that I had to write several strongly worded complaints to get the support we needed. 

    Since September we have been under the care of 3 different CAMH teams. There has been an average of 4 to 5 medical appointments every week. Managing this, alongside the private tutors, the paperwork, the constant chasing and complaints, has felt more than a full time job.

    The enormous amount of time and energy I put behind this, however, is paying off, and things are improving slowly and I am cautiously hopeful.

    We also got a puppy in February in February 2022, as part of a process to support my child’s wellbeing, as she reacts very positively to animals. She had been begging for a dog for years, but it wasn’t possible with the unpredictable nature of being on-call. I hadn’t realised how much hard work raising a puppy would be. It is quite similar to having a new baby, and I blogged about it here. Whilst the dog added a lot of joy to our lives, it also added a lot of stress which made an already challenging family life harder. The dog is now 1 and a lot calmer and easier to manage, and he is proving to provide a lot of calming and grounding presence, as well as joy for the whole family.

    I feel that the theme for the entire year was teaching me to become comfortable with the unpredictable.

    My own challenges

    It’s perhaps no surprise that I have found this year extremely tough. For most of the year, I struggled with a sense of overwhelm, where even the simplest tasks felt insurmountable. By the Autumn my mental health was in tatters. To top it all up, in November we all got very ill with the dreaded virus, and I ended up having to care for my family whilst being very unwell myself. It really brought home the idea that it’s not just postpartum women who struggle in the absence of community support, it’s all of us.

    Hitting rock bottom meant that one can only go up. It was then that I realised that I needed the kind of help that the NHS simply couldn’t offer (all my GP offered was antidepressants, and they really didn’t agree with me), I started taking matters into my own hands. 

    The things I’m grateful for

    At some point in 2022 amidst the challenges I started saying that my child was my guru. If you have ever read the book The Conscious Parent by Dr Shefali Tsabary, you’ll know all about the amazing stories about how our children challenge our beliefs and make us grow. It was because of my child’s ASD diagnosis that I discovered that I have ADHD (more on that later), then that my other child has it too, as well as likely being ASD, (and I’m also certain that my husband is ASD too). It has meant another fight to try  and get myself and my son diagnosed (I am doing it through the right to choose route, which is supposed to be quicker than the two year NHS waiting list). My child’s ASD diagnosis ignited a discovery journey on understanding neurodivergence, and meeting people I never knew existed. The knowledge acquired supporting my daughter meant that I knew who to approach to help my son, and what to ask for from the onset. Thankfully, my son’s school has been a lot more supportive and immediately put some support in place for him without having to wait for the diagnosis. 

    Mostly, the way I see it, my daughter’s ASD has been a gift.  After I discovered my ADHD, I read a lot, talked to people, and joined groups, as well as trying various supplements and medication. I am very grateful for discovering this side of myself, because it means that I have been able to understand myself better, and become kinder to myself. I used to beat myself up about not doing enough and procrastinating, but now I understand a lot more about how my brain works and why certain tasks are harder to do for me than for neurotypicals. Many of you have told me they found my sharing helpful so I plan to share more about my ADHD journey.

    I hit an all time low in October, and after trying and hating antidepressants, I started microdosing with a plant medicine. Within a week I started to feel hope, and at times some tiny moments of joy again.

    In the Autumn, I started working with The Aspie Coach, who specialises in supporting neurodivergent families, and I have found working with her both supportive and transformative. It means that not only am I kinder to myself, but also able to understand a lot more about the dynamics in my family, and manage things better.

    I embarked on a course called Doodle your Emotions, and I loved this so much I am now enrolled on the year long course. You may have seen my doodles on social media. They work better for me than journaling. I find the drawing process both fun and healing, therefore it makes doing it pleasurable and fun, as well as giving me a unique chance to look at what’s going on in my head. It makes me feel like I am my own therapist. I have also realised that I can use it to draw people’s energy, combining my Reiki and energy work training with art. I may be offering a handful of sessions to try out a new process where I draw your energy as you bring something that is bothering you to the table. 

    Here are some doodle showing the main emotions I felt in 2022

    My husband and I had two family constellations sessions. Family constellation is something that a therapist uses in order to gain insight and information into a client’s family history, dynamics, and possible dysfunctional patterns. I have worked with this modality since 2019 and found it mind-blowingly powerful. After the second session, combined with the doodling work, the plant medicine, and bringing what was unearthed to my coach, I finally felt that the very heavy burden I had been carrying all year was put down, and the relief was immense. 

    Here are some doodles representing my feelings then

    Finally, this year is also the first time in my life where I am in a community of people who do not shy away from you when you go through hard times. It is also the first community where how much I give is really seen and returned in spades. In the autumn my friends organised a healing intervention for me, giving me the rebozo wrapping ritual I had taught them and I felt incredibly loved and supported. It was a defining moment for me, learning to receive (and realise how difficult this had been until now for me). I talk about this in my blog post ADHD and the kindness boomerang.

    When I was ill at the end of the year, I reached out to those friends for help. It felt vulnerable to do this, but I couldn’t leave the house and didn’t even have enough energy cook, and my kids and husband were in bed. This brought home a new dimension to understanding the message in my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters, where I explain that asking for help in the postpartum isn’t a weakness. My friends were just amazing. One took my dog for a week, another delivered me homemade soup and stew, and many friends offered similar help. It really warmed my heart in a dark time.

    In 2022 despite the challenges I kept my weekly practises of shamanic drumming at dawn in the woods, wild swimming, and 5 rhythm dancing. Whilst I wasn’t always feeling it, these kept me grounded amidst the chaos.

    My work

    This hasn’t been a mild year workwise either, because there have been so many changes, and fluctuations, and I have struggled to be comfortable with that. And, as you can imagine after reading the above, most of my time and energy have been directed towards my family.

    In April I attended my last birth as a doula after 10 years working in this role. The decision to stop this work was mostly driven by an inner knowing that I was no longer meant to do this, and that until I stopped I wouldn’t be able to fulfil my new calling. My new calling is to help people lead from the heart instead of the mind, and look out for new offerings from me as this unfolds. Other factors impacted the decision to leave : the pandemic had made this demanding job even harder, the level of fight required to support women in a broken system was harming me, and the difficult circumstances in my family made the demands of being on-call too stressful. I wrote a long blog post about why I decided to leave doulaing behind.

    After I stopped working as a doula, rather than feeling relieved, I felt a lack of direction and a sense of loss. I entered what I called the blank slate stage, or the void, and I shared several blog posts about how I felt throughout the year. I felt like Indiana Jones in the Quest for the Holy Grail, having to take a leap of faith and step over the void for the bridge to appear. Thankfully, having been there before, I was able to recognise the process for what it was. This doesn’t mean that it wasn’t uncomfortable, but at least it gave me a sense of acceptance.

    Despite all this, amazingly I still managed to keep my business afloat. Apart from towards the end of November when the illness combined with the EHCP review process meant that I had to drop the ball completely. Until I wrote stuff down, in my mind 2022 felt that I had not done much work wise. Yet I achieved the following:

    • I earned a similar amount of money as the previous tax year
    • I launched 3 new online courses, bringing the number of courses I offer to 5. I now have over 500 students from 10 different countries, and the feedback is amazing.
    • Held 5 free webinars, attended by around 100 people or more each
    • I published 40 blog posts and over 200 posts on social media.
    • I was interviewed for several podcasts and instagram lives, asked to train NHS midwives, and invited to lead sessions in other people’s courses
    • My book was published in German.
    • One of my videos on Youtube had 13k views.

    A lot of this success was due to having worked with authentic marketing coach George Kao and learn to create something that feels both true and sustainable.

    Before 2020 my main source of income was face to face workshops, which I loved but it meant a lot of energy, travelling, and time away from home and my family. My 52 year old self craves a quieter life. Creating online courses not only means that I can do what I love the most, which is sharing empowering knowledge with others, it offers transformation to professionals and the families they serve, and most importantly it means that it frees up my time to create more content, articles, and courses to share.

    In 2022 my biggest business lesson was discovering that I do not have to hustle or work every hour of the day to earn a living. As an ADHD person I tend to focus only on what I’m not doing and beat myself up constantly about this. Writing achievement lists is something I need to do to counter that. I write a Ta-Da list at the end of each week to help reset my mind. Even before writing the list above I kind of felt that I hadn’t done much in 2022.

    In conclusion

    2022 was a year of intense discomfort and tremendous personal growth for me. But is growth ever comfortable? As a wise mentor once told me, if it was comfortable, you would stay where you are.

    I like to choose a word for the year. If you’d like to have your own word of the year for 2023, I love healer Rebecca Wright’s Word of the year guided journey. 

    My word for the year in 2022 was opening. This year I’ve chosen a word for the year which is a quality that I’d like to embody. In a session with my coach in December 2022 I had a sense that I had been having a tight ball of control where my heart is. Releasing it gave me a felt sense of what it feels like to be expansive and limitless. I want to embody this feeling and state of being in 2023, so my word for this year is Expansion. 

     

  • Why I’m not doing new year resolutions

    Why I’m not doing new year resolutions

    Every January, I used to feel a sense of pressure and unease. I used to feel this inside pressure to “be done” with the previous year and have made my plan for the new one.

    Seeing other people take on the “new year new you” challenge with gusto, used to add to the pressure and make me feel inadequate.

    This year it felt different. I still heard that voice in my head that said I ought to be further along, but I was conscious of it, and it was less present than before.

    Over the last year I’ve been on a journey of trying to become kinder to myself. Part of this journey has involved becoming more aware of my inner voice. Discovering that I have ADHD, and hyperfocusing on the topic, has led to a deep new understanding of the way my brain works, and why I tend to put so much pressure on myself.

    So when January rolled on, I noticed the voice in my head that said I ought to have reviewed the year and already entirely planned the new year. Except I haven’t reviewed 2022 yet and I haven’t even made a start on planning 2023. There is a very logical reason for this.

    Over the last couple of years, having spent a lot more time in nature, wild swimming, doing shamanic drumming in the local woods at dawn on a weekly basis, and hanging out with people who celebrate the Celtic wheel of the year, I have become more aware of the cycles of nature.

    Right now, in the Celtic wheel of the year, we just passed the Winter Solstice, where the days were the shortest of the year, and are still in the depth of Winter. The Spring energies will not start to rise until Imbolc, which is on the 1st of February. Spring itself doesn’t start until the 21st of March.

    If like me you feel at odds with the frenzy of planning that occurs in January, this is biologically normal. 

    The depths of Winter aren’t the time to do goal setting and planning. I wrote about this in 2019 already, but I want to talk about it again because my understanding of it is different.

    Midwinter is a time to go inwards, for deep rest and for dreaming. Whether you resonate with this spiritually or not, scientific evidence agrees with this. I spent my PhD and 2 postdocs studying our innate biological rhythms and how day length affects the reproductive cycle. Not that long ago, when we were still in tune with natural daylight, winter was a time when we slept more and worked less. It makes so much sense to wait until the days get slightly longer and the Spring energies start to rise, to plan things. February or March seem like much more logical times to do this.

    I find it interesting that culture that follow a lunar calendar like the Chinese, have their new year at the beginning of February. It makes more sense to me.

    If right now is a time of going inwards, rest and dreaming (and I really have to remind myself of this to tame my inner critic from telling me I should be further along), how can you best use the energies of this time? 

    Reviewing the previous year is a good start to the dreaming. Try to you look at how you grew, instead of beating yourself up with what you didn’t achieve. Here are some questions to ponder which may help you do this from a place of kindness (set a timer for 3 to 5 min, and think about writing just 3 things):

    • What are you grateful for?
    • What gave you joy?
    • What made you grow?
    • What did you learn?
    • What do you want to take forward?

    Another gentle intention setting activity I like to do at the beginning of the year, because it feels good and not pressured like goals, is choosing a quality I want to embody in the coming year by choosing a word for the year. I like Rebecca Wright’s free word of the year guided journey. I also like to make an altar, and I I wrote a this post about making altars.

     

  • Becoming undone: a normal part of growth

    Becoming undone: a normal part of growth

    Are you struggling with the feeling of becoming undone? Like everything you know no longer feels true, no longer relevant, like you no longer know who you are, like you have just become a blank slate?

    If you do, I’ve been struggling with the same for months. If you follow me you’ll know that I shared about this in this post recently. I remember having the same feelings when I was a teenager, and when I became a mother. In this post, I want to share analogies and tools that help me, and I hope they help you too.

    During my first year as a new doula I suffered quite severe burnout. I reached out to my mentor who told me that the self care practises I had put in place in my job as a scientist were no longer adequate, as I was now suffering from spiritual burnout, as well as physical and emotional. I wrote about how I had to develop a new way to care for myself.

    This has the same energetic flavour. And I need, yet again, to grow new ways of caring for myself. I recognise what it feels like, and I know the power that may come from the other side. I know on some deep level that, like the caterpillar that becomes goo inside the cocoon, I have to dissolve to reform. I tell myself, I am goo now. There is not much to do but be goo. You cannot fight against the dissolution as it only makes things harder. 

    The dissolution makes us vulnerable and soft for a while. Animals that need to cast their shell to grow new ones, like lobsters, hide under a rock to shield themselves from predators whilst they wait for their new shell to harden. For these animals, the sign that they have outgrown their old shell is discomfort. As Dr Abraham Twerski says in this video, if lobsters went to the doctor, they would be prescribed antidepressants for the discomfort, and would never grow.

    If you are struggling, remember that the discomfort is there for a reason. If you were comfortable, you would stay where you are.

    When we come undone, even if we understand on an intellectual level that it is a necessary transformational process, it can be very hard to navigate and stay in a place of trust, vulnerability, and surrender. And it is doubly hard as life doesn’t stop and we still need to care for others as we undergo this process. I cannot help but wonder what it would feel like if we still had the rituals that indigenous cultures have to support such tremendous life transitions, and how lost at sea we are  in a culture that does not witness or support times of metamorphosis.

    Nascence is the term that describes a coming into being. As women we have many obvious nascences in our lives: Adolescence (the beginning of our menstrual cycle), Matrescence (becoming a mother), and Cronescence (I’ve made up this word to represent entering perimenopause and menopause). There are other times of course, with every big life change, but these are the ones who share a process of death and rebirth that is not only happening on a visible physical level, but in the mind and the soul too. These times share is the undoing of who we were to allow who we are to become to be born.

    The film Inside out is an anime movie about the emotions in the brain of Riley, a young girl as she enters adolescence. In her brain, as well as characters representing 5 major emotions who rule her behaviours (joy, sadness, fear, disgust and anger), there are islands that represent different aspects of Riley’s personality. As she goes through the beginning of puberty some of these islands are destroyed, much to the dismay of the characters in her brain who try and do everything they can to stop them from crumbling. Eventually, new islands emerge, which the characters are delighted with.

    The crumbling is scary because it feels like everything we have worked for is being destroyed. And we then find ourselves on barren ground, where there are no landmarks. It can feel very disorientating, and frightening. There is no path ahead. Things no longer make sense. 

    Science tells us that the crumbling literally happens in the brain during periods like adolescence, matrescence and cronescence, as neurons and neuronal connections are pruned, and what is no longer relevant is removed, and the brain is remodelled.  

    So what can we do to support ourselves through the challenge of becoming undone?

    I am on the exploratory path of this myself once more, and  sharing what I find helpful. I hope you may find some aspect work for you too. Remember because it works for me, it may not work for you. We are all unique with unique brains and bodies. If you try things, though, you’ll quickly know what helps and what doesn’t. Start with what you feel excited about trying.

    Body stuff

    • Find ways to be present and ground in your body. It can be a simple of feeling the weight of your body on your feet, or where you are sitting. Or try the trick of noticing 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste.
    • Develop a regular movement practice. Start small, even just 5 minutes can make a huge difference. It doesn’t matter whether it’s yoga, or a walk, a run, or putting some music on and having a quick dance. When you feel in a funk it’s quite amazing what 5 min of movement can do to help you shift your state.
    • Have some bodywork, like a massage. Bonus if a somatic massage. It can really help re-teach your body to feel calm.  I’ve also found working with a holistic herbalist, an acupuncturist, and an osteopath helpful. Read what I wrote as for my doula colleagues in the past.
    • Give yourself self care practises like a warm bath (I like to use salt and essential oil), or some gentle self massage (a few minutes massaging your feet feels great, especially with a magnesium balm). You can also try my Rebozo self care massage routine.
    • Try a 5 rhythms dancing class, which is like meditation in movement. It ticks the body, mind and spirit boxes all at once. It’s one of my favourite practises, and so much fun to do, and I also now belong to a large community of fantastic people. There are online as well as face to face classes.

    Mind stuff

    • Meditate/practise mindfulness. It’s easier than you think and you can also start with just a few minutes. Watch this cool animated video which debunks a lot of myths. There are free apps like Insight Timer, which offer guided meditations of various lengths to get you started.
    • Connect to your breath. Three mindful breaths is often all it takes to shift your energy.
    • Listen to drumming tracks, it slows down your brain and allows more spaciousness of thoughts. Or even better, take up drumming, and/or join a drum circle. Search for shamanic drumming on youtube or spotify. Read this short post where I explain more, complete with a link to a drum journey.
    • Singing is also a beautiful way to uplift both mind and spirit. Join a local community choir and enjoy both the vocal and community support experience.

    Spiritual stuff

    I have 3 favourite practises because they tick all 3 boxes at once (mind, body and spirit). I do these weekly or more.

    • Year round swimming in my local river. I took this up in 2018 years ago and I’m now entering my 5th winter of swimming. Read more about that here.
    • 5Rhythms and other forms of mindful movement/dancing meditation. I’ve tried 5rhythms, Freedom dance, Open floor, Ecstatic awakening dance, and Zero one. 

    “Conscious dance is a free form of dance that anyone can do, whatever their age, shape, gender, mobility or fitness level. No prior knowledge is needed, there are no steps to learn and nothing to get right. It allows you to connect your body to the music, and, if you like, to connect with others in non-verbal communication of common movement. Let go of your mind, let the music move through your body to awaken your heart, find richness and openness in your life” . This quote is from the Cambsdance community website. There are similar practises all around the UK and the world.

    Despite these practises, I am currently experiencing major challenges. The practises still serve me, and I am also learning to develop micropractises during the day when I notice I am feeling triggered, or overwhelmed (this happens often). The trick is not to try and chase the feelings away, but to feel them deeply and allow them to pass through you. Remember: the only way out is through, and the only way through is to be with whatever wants to be expressed of felt.

    Finally, be gentle with yourself. Becoming undone is deep, hard work, and it can take a long time. It is especially hard to do in the culture that doesn’t recognise it as “work” and want you to only be “your best self” at all times.

    Don’t waste energy beating yourself up wishing that you were further along the journey. You are exactly where you need to be. 

    I take solace in this quote from Brene Brown’s book, Braving the Wilderness, where she quotes Joseph Campbell : “If you can see your path laid out in front of you step by step, you know it’s not your path. Your own path you make with every step you take. That’s why it’s your path.” 

     

  • My ADHD treatment journey : why I hated taking antidepressants

    My ADHD treatment journey : why I hated taking antidepressants

    A few months ago I shared about my experience of trying ADHD medication and the difference it made, and how it convinced me I should get diagnosed and treated.

    The experience led me to start the process of getting a formal ADHD diagnosis, in order to access treatment. I soon realised that it is another lengthy, hard, and time consuming process. 

    I spoke to my GP, who after making me answer the questionnaire, confirmed that it was very likely I had ADHD (I scored 22 out of 24, but already knew this), but that the waiting list for NHS diagnosis (let alone treatment) would be 18 months to 2 years. I requested a right to choose referral with Psychiatry UK, which should reduce the wait down to a few months. I also investigated going private, but the psychiatrists I was recommended also had months long waiting lists.

    Most of my time and energy are currently being used battling the education and health systems to get support for one of my children, who is also neurodivergent. I tried to get the ball rolling for myself, but gave up because I just didn’t have the time or energy to do it. I had to chase my GP surgery weekly for 6 weeks, just for the right to choose referral forms to be filled in (and this is despite being present in person at my local surgery on a weekly basis or more due to my child’s situation).

    My family circumstances and my ADHD compounded by perimenopause (it can make ADHD and anxiety worse; and it certainly did for me), meant that my mental health suffered. I was feeling stressed, anxious and overwhelmed, at a level that made managing everyday life impossible. I was falling apart and begging for anything that would help. Because it was the only thing that my GP was was able to offer without having to wait for months, and I was desperate, I accepted a prescription for SSRI antidepressants. Having researched what seemed to be most helpful for ADHD people, I asked for Paroxetine.

    I started taking Paroxetine mid September. It didn’t seem to help my mood, and I hated how it made me feel. I felt numb, disconnected from myself, joyless. When I went to my weekly 5rhythms dance session, something I used to always look forward to, I couldn’t connect to the dance, or to myself, and ended up spending a large amount of the session sitting on the floor, feeling unhappy, and wanting to go home. To make things worse, within a week of taking the antidepressant, I discovered that I was no longer able to have an orgasm.

    From my scientific career and having attended conferences that talked about SSRIs and sexual health, I remembered that those side effects were common for this type of drugs. The impact on sex life are rarely explained to patients prior to prescription (informed consent anyone?), yet it is a common reason why people stop taking them. In a review paper, I found the following data  “SSRIs may cause sexual dysfunction in 40% to 65% of individuals, these side effects may exacerbate depression and create a barrier to medication adherence”. No kidding!

    I was not hugely bothered about the lack of sexuality per se, because my mental health was so dire that if the drugs had made me feel better I would have put up with that. The straw that broke the antidepressant’s back was the fact that this was another example of how this drug was making me disconnected from life itself. I wanted to be able to cope better with life’s ups and downs. The SSRIs not only didn’t achieve that, it made me feel like a narrowed down version of myself.

    Interestingly, when I had taken the plant based version of SSRIs, St John’s Wort, for several months when I suffered from depression in 2019, I had never experienced this numbing and disconnection feeling, and it had helped me climb up from the bottom of the pit I was in at the time. 

    My experience taking SSRIs felt both numbing and sharp, like a knife, cutting me from myself. Since taking St John’s wort had felt supportive in the past, I had an insight that this is because synthetic drugs are extremely narrow in their target, only hitting one process in the brain, whereas plant medicines contain many different substances, which act in synergy. As a spiritual and energy sensitive person, I also felt that synthetic drugs are disconnected from the web of life, because of the way they are produced in the lab, separated from their source of origin, whereas plant medicines are more connected, because the plant carries its own energy and the connection to the energy of the earth.

    I spent some time meditating on the different medicines, writing them down, putting them on my altar, to see how they suited me. Having considered switching to St John’s wort, however, from trying the ADHD meds, I also knew I would need something different if it was to support my symptoms. I had wondered about microdosing with a plant medicine for some time because several of my friends were doing it and reported amazing effects on mood and wellbeing. In fact that medicine sat in my house for 6 months but I felt scared to try it. It really is quite fascinating to me that I had to experience what pharmaceutical drugs felts like to free me of my fear.

    The week I considered trying, the universe sent me very clear signals, because for a few days, everywhere I went I ended up speaking someone new who told me how life changing it had been for them. I sat at a diner party next to a psychotherapist  who wanted to blend psychotherapy and this kind of medicine. I went to a survival skills workshop in the woods, the teacher had some interesting tattoo and they turned out to be replica of this plant medicine carvings found in Algeria, which he had done after an experience with the medicine cured him of PTSD. A friend of mine shared that she was embarking on a 18 months long training as a microdosing coach, it just went on and on for days until I finally said : OK universe, I think I got the message.

    I stopped the SSRIs after about a month, tapering them off slowly, then I started this new medicine journey, supported by a couple of experienced friends. One of them even came to my house to hold me through my first dose of the medicine, and it felt very safe. I am a month into this new experience, and my life has been transformed. I plan to write another post telling this story when I am ready.

  • Why wrapping your hips can support wellbeing and alleviate pain

    Why wrapping your hips can support wellbeing and alleviate pain

    There is a simple secret I wish everybody knew! Wrapping your hips (and your belly) can help with many common ailments, from pelvic pain to period pain to back pain. Beyond the pain itself it is also very useful practice that you can use in your daily life when you feel the need for support and to help you feel centred/grounded.

    I learnt about the practice nearly 10 years ago when I learnt the art of using a Mexican scarf called a Rebozo to support women during birth. Since then I have been using it for myself in many different forms, using rebozos, woven belts and velcro wraps.  I’ve been using it during my period, and when I feel the need to be ‘together’ such as when facilitating workshops, or giving closing the bones treatments and healing sessions. I wrote a blog about the use of wrapping in the postnatal period, which includes video tutorials.

    In this post, I want to explain why wrapping isn’t only useful after birth. It’s a secret that should be taught to young girls when they reach their first periods, shown to use during the menstrual cycle, taught to every pregnant woman and new mother, and to older women too. Every time I teach this technique, everyone finds it wonderful. They put the rebozo around their hips, and they don’t want to take it off.

    My research has shown me that using a belt to keep the womb warm/for protection, is a universal practise. I even found evidence of the practice been a European ritual, via ancient Greece historian Odile Tresch, and recreated by French seamstress Nadege Feuillet.

    Why does wrapping helps?

    On a physical level, it holds bones, muscles and ligaments in place, which acts as scaffolding and allows your pelvis soft tissues to relax (a bit like putting your feet up after a long day standing up). It provides gentle support to the uterus. Wrapping your hips/pelvis makes you feel more stable and contained. It also provides a source of warmth which is comforting and healing.

    On an emotional level it makes you feel held and protected. It also helps to feel more present in one’s body return to the body, which can feel grounding and reduce stress. There is something about being wrapped that feels very primal, think baby in the womb, or baby being swaddled. I believe the calming effect is a mix of being able to feel the contours of one’s body, but also being reminded of the primal sensations of being in our mother’s womb.

    On a more spiritual level it helps you to feel grounded, returned to your centre, feel less ‘open’ and a gives sense of protection.

    When to use it?

    During your periods/throughout the menstrual cycle.

    I find wrapping my pelvis and/or belly or both during my period a great source of comfort. I crave warmth during that time, and the wrapping provides that. During my period I feel ‘open’ on an energetic level, and the feeling of being ‘closed’ by the wrap feels very good. I like to use one of my rebozos for this, but my favourite by far is using one of womb belts, which were woven on my request based on the design of the Colombian Chumbe belt, share with me by Colombian doula Laura Leongomez. I also like the Belly Blanket from Cherishing everything, which has a little pocket for a hot water bottle sewn in.

    During pregnancy

    Wrapping can help support the pelvis and provide much needed comfort when pregnant. It can also provide relief when you suffer from PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain, also previously known as Symphysis Pelvic Dysfunction or SPD). Once, a pregnant woman bought a rebozo from me. The next day she sent me this message:

    I had ever heard of rebozo or using the shawls to wrap your hips and thought that anything was worth a try as I am in such horrendous pain. Since using the wrap I have been able to do shopping and walk around without crying in pain, it makes a huge difference, so easy to use, looks pretty and I love that I can use it during labour and after as a sling! Hannah

    Just bear in mind that whilst wrapping may provide relief, it will not treat the underlying condition. Seeing a good manual therapist such as an osteopath, a chiropractor or physiotherapist who specializes in pregnancy can do that. The pelvic partnership, a charity which provides support and information about PGP, says

    “Support belts can be helpful to manage symptoms between treatments by keeping your pelvis supported in the correct position and helping to stabilise it. However, if you wear one without first having your pelvic joint alignment checked, it is likely to aggravate your pain. If your joints are not properly aligned, pushing them together with a belt can cause more irritation and pain at the joints. If you experience more pain when you put it on, take it off and contact your manual therapist for advice and treatment. You usually need to remove a belt when you sit down as it can dig into the top of your legs and bump – belts are most effective when you are walking.”

    There are scenarios where wrapping will be a fantastic support when you cannot access a therapist or whilst waiting to see one. I made this tutorial when a pregnant doula friend missed her osteopath appointment due to attending a birth and couldn’t get out of bed the next morning. With the rebozo in place she was able to manage the discomfort until she got another appointment.

    Here’s another testimonial  about such a situation:

    During my 3rd pregnancy I had PGP from quite early on. By my third trimester I was in quite a lot of pain and I couldn’t get to my usual chiropractor or pregnancy yoga class due to the first lockdown. I asked Sophie and she suggested pelvic wrapping. It really helped me feel supported and less painful. I also found it really helpful to wrap in a warm wheat bag on the painful spot and that really made a big difference. I continued for the first couple of weeks postpartum as well while I was still recovering.  Tam West

    In the tutorial below I show you a simple way to wrap your hips with a rebozo

    Play

    People have reported the fact that wrapping their pelvis helped with back pain too.

    My Womb Belts which are the most effective form of pelvic support, and you can watch a video on how to use them here

    During the postpartum

    During the postpartum wrapping your pelvis or abdomen after birth will help support instable joints and muscles. I wrote a blog about it called The lost art of postnatal wrapping.

    When you feel unwell

    The feeling of containment and extra warmth wrapping provides can feel very comforting.

    Outdoors when the weather is cold

    I’m a year round wild swimmer, and I have found that wrapping my belly post swim in the colder months is a very good way to warm up. The same is true when spending a lot of time outdoors in the cold. When I told my mother about my use of Japanese Haramakis to keep my core warm, she explained that, where I grew up in Brittany, farmers often wore such kidney belts to keep warm when working outdoors. UK brand Nukunuku has a range of Haramakis. These do not provide firm support like a rebozo or belt, but they do keep the core warm.

    What can you use to wrap your hips and belly?

    Rebozos are perfect for this, providing just the right level of grip and strength. You can find some in my online shop . Other shawls and scarves may work well too, try with what you have at home.

    You can use lots of other things too, such as scarves and pashminas that you already have. Fabric belts can work well too. A pregnant friend even used the belt from her dressing gown!

    There is also the option to use velcro wraps for the hips. The sacroiliac pelvic belt from Belly Bands, or the  Serola sacroiliac belt.

    I did an hour long live on Instagram with my wise doula sister Laura Leongomez from Colombia, about the wisdom of hip wrapping. You can watch it on my Instagram IGTV, or on my Youtube channel.

    Have you tried wrapping your belly and hips? Did you find it helpful? I’d love to hear from you, just comment below this blog.

    If this inspires you and you’d like to find out more, you may want to check my online courses, which include a course about postpartum wrapping, and 2 rebozo courses (one for pregnancy and birth, and one about a postnatal rebozo massage and wrapping ritual).

     

  • ADHD and the kindness boomerang: a lesson in appreciating your gifts.

    ADHD and the kindness boomerang: a lesson in appreciating your gifts.

    Since I discovered that I have ADHD a few months ago, I have started the steep learning curve of understanding what it means for me. I have read many books, listened to many podcasts, and been in various support groups online. This exploration is showing me something very clear: that I am, and have always been, very hard on myself. I am starting to see more clearly how this pattern plays up in my life.  

    One of the ways it manifests is that it makes me blind to my gifts (what comes to me easily), and hard on myself I could do better, work harder, do more etc.

    For example, in the summer I attended a friend’s birthday.  As it was fairly short notice I didn’t have the time to craft the gift I would have liked to make for her (a shamanic rattle). Instead I collected some items in my house I knew she would like, and gifted them to her. She was delighted with them but I couldn’t help but feel this wasn’t quite what I wanted to give. I attended a dance retreat last month. I had planned to bake a cake but I ran out of time so I made a chia chocolate pudding instead, because it was quicker. Many people approached me asking for the recipe, as they found it incredibly delicious. I was amazed as I contemplated the contrast between my standards (how I was judging myself for making what felt like a cop-out, versus the reaction people gave me).

    For as long as I can remember, I have been a nurturer. It’s no wonder I became a doula, and it’s no wonder I became a healer. Because these things come to me easily, I tend to forget about the many caring acts I have done for other people. Because it comes to me so easily that I don’t think it’s a big deal. I wrote about this in my blog post Do you confuse productivity with effort?

    This week-end I had an even deeper learning moment about this in the most beautiful touching way. Knowing how much I am struggling with my mental health at the moment, a group of friends from my local conscious dancing community got together and organised a healing ceremony for me.

    When I arrived at my friend’s house, the first thing I saw was a massage table laid with several rebozos on top of it. I asked “where did you get all these rebozos?” and they reminded me that I had gifted them to them over the last couple of years.  I had completely forgotten that I had done that. I also noticed deep discomfort at the idea of being at the receiving end of such love and care, like somehow I didn’t deserve it. I noticed how I am more comfortable in giving than in receiving.

    My friends had made an altar. They held me as I cried, they invited me to pick a couple of beautiful tarot cards, which were placed on the altar. They held me, wrapped me with the rebozos, massaged me, and drummed over me as I laid on the massage table.  Nobody has ever done anything like this for me before.

    After the ritual I felt soft and warm and deeply loved and cared for. Then we read the tarot cards, and we had tea with a cake they had baked for me. I left my friend’s house with a deep sense of joy and gratitude. I felt loved, and belonging, and deeply cared for.

    It felt like such a beautiful example of a kindness boomerang. An example of how blind we can be about the love we put into people, and how it can come back to us in the most beautiful and unexpected way. My friends also reminded me that they were able to give me this ritual because I had taught it to them (I taught it for free as part of the dance retreat, the one where I didn’t bake a cake…).

    Does this resonate? Do you too notice that you are blind to your gifts, that you dismiss them as not being a big deal because they come easily to you? If so I invite you to share stories in the comments, and also to notice this pattern in your life, so you can be more gentle on yourself.