šŸ„ New Course Alert šŸ„ Join me on ‘The Women Drum Keepers Collective’ Learn More

Sophie Messager

Author: Sophie Messager

  • How to ease back into work gently after a holiday

    How to ease back into work gently after a holiday

    I’ve just taken a much needed break, as I do every summer, visiting my family in France. I did a lot of catching up with my family, a lot of swimming (including in the sea-bliss!) a lot of reading, and mostly a lot of just being and relaxing.

    In the past, I found returning to work after a break stressful, because of the accumulation of messages and tasks whilst I was away. Every year the weight of the many tasks, combined with the change of pace, and the struggle to return to a “normal” working rhythms meant that I used to feel a lot of pressure. Now I do things differently. I want to share some simple things I do to make returning to work less stressful :

    Before the break

    Put your holidays in your diary a long time in advance. This way you can plan your work around the breaks. There are 2 main reasons for this: 1) to know your capacity around that time and not over plan a number of unachievable tasks 2) to make sure that you can truly relax (and avoid feeling guilty about not doing work) whilst on holiday. In a previous blog I explained the importance of truly switching off as a solopreneur. This goes a long way in building confidence, being realistic about what you can achieve, and avoid guilt.

    Planning ahead means that I sometimes do more work in advance, to make sure that there arenā€™t major tasks needing to be done during my break, and to plain my income around the break. When you work for yourself, you donā€™t earn money whilst on holiday and this can be difficult if income is tight. I often launch new courses ahead of breaks, in order to feel content and secure during the break. It also gives me a much needed deadline to complete the course by, which really helps me produce the course content on time. This year I startedĀ  teaching a course before my holiday and I factored in the break within the course, which gave my students times to practise. It also gives me something driving me forward when I return.

    During the break

    Make a conscious decision not to do to anything work wise unless it 1) cannot wait 2) It gives you joy and you donā€™t resent it. This is especially important as, since 2020 there has been numerous occasions where many of us could not be away from home during breaks. I made the mistake to carry on working several times, albeit at a lower pace, and didnā€™t feel refreshed by the end of the break. Iā€™ve learnt over and over that stepping out of work completely and adopting a different, more relaxed pace of life, is a great source of renewed creativity for everyone.

    After the break

    Be gentle with yourself. After a change of rhythm it can take a few days before you feel like you are back into the swing of things. The change of pace combined with accumulated tasks can feel stressful and overwhelming.Ā 

    Allow extra time for planning. It is easy to try and get back into ‘doing’ and losing sight of what is really important. Tune in how you want your month, week or day to feel rather than getting bogged down into lots of tiny little tasks. I find the 3 things model very helpful. When feeling overwhelmed, ask yourself, if I could only do 3 things, what would these things be? Apply the same model for longer term planning as well as shorter termĀ  (I do a 3 months, then a monthly, then weekly and daily plan).

    Give yourself 2 or 3 days of gently easing back into work. Doing some planning and dealing with the stuff that accumulated whilst you were away. I try to ease gently into my normal work rhythm, at a slower pace than normal. I like to think about it the same way I look at physical fitness: if you had taken a break from running for a couple of weeks, you would restart your training gradually again, and not expect to be able to run a marathon on the first day!

    I hope this helps you be kind to yourself, and ease your back from holiday overwhelm. I would love to hear if you have any other tips or suggestions.

     

  • How to choose and buy a shamanic drum

    How to choose and buy a shamanic drum

    In this article I want to share the options available if you’d like to get your own frame/shamanic drum. There are many options to choose from and I hope I’ll make nagivating that decision easier for you!

    As I created the content for my Drumming for Birth course, I had one of those beautiful “aha” moments while explaining how to choose a drum. You know those times when you suddenly realise just how much expertise you’ve accumulated, but you did not know until you stopped to reflect on it ? As someone with ADHD, one of my superpowers is the ability to hyperfocus on subjects that fascinate me – and drums have certainly been one of those subjects! 

    At the time of writing this, I own over 30 drums. I’m going to tell you about the categories, the pros and cons of each, and how much a drum cost to buy, including some real unexpected bargains. I’m also going to tell you about what to avoid.

    The type of drums I use are frame drums. One of the oldest known musical instruments, frame drums are found in various forms across many cultures worldwide and play significant roles in spiritual or ceremonial contexts. They are sometimes referred to as shamanic drums. A frame drum is a simple percussion instrument, typically circular in shape, consisting of a round wooden frame 2-4 inches deep, with a single drumhead stretched over one side. They can be played with the hand, or with a beater. The drumhead is traditionally made from animal skin, but synthetic materials are also used. The skin is usually secured to the frame with lacing. Frame drums produce a warm, resonant tone and are capable of a wide range of sounds, from deep booms to crisp, high-pitched tones.

    In my work I use frame drums with a handle, the kind that is played by hitting it with a soft beater.

    Frame drum categories:

    Frame drums come into 2 main categories: the ones that are made of animal skin (known as hide), and ones that are made of synthetic skin (plastic material, or sometimes canvas type fabric). 

    Size matters: the bigger the drum, the deeper the sound. As a rule of thumb, I would suggest you start with something no smaller than 14 or 16 inches for a good sound. Tiny drums do not usually sound great. Really big drums  (20 inches and above) have a beautiful deep sound by they can be unwieldy to carry and hold.

    Synthetic drums

    I have 2 main synthetic drums: A 16 inches Remo Buffalo drum (A misnomer as the drum is made of a synthetic skin) and a 16 inches Remo Bahia Bass Buffalo drum (it has a deeper sound than the normal Remo Buffalo). I also have a couple of synthetic Kanjiras (a small Indian drum with a jingle), and a small 8 inches hand held synthetic Remo which I mostly use for travel.

    Synthetic drum Advantages

    • Good, reliable sound (this applies only to reputable brands, see below on what to avoid)
    • Sounds remains the same regardless of weather/water/temperature
    • If you play outdoors like I do, and live in a cold and wet country, youā€™ll be grateful to have a synthetic drum. You can play it in all weathers, even in the pouring rain, without the sound being affected. I’ve even taken mine inside sweat lodges and saunas.
    • These drums are typically cheaper than a skin drum, a Remo Buffalo Drum costs about Ā£115 for a 16 inches drum

    Synthetic drum disadvantages

    German company Thomann has sound samples of Remo drums (and many other drums) on their website. 

    Drums made from animal hide

    I own 24 different skin drums, 7 of which I made myself in drum birthing workshops or on my own, and the others I bought or received as gifts.

    Skin drums advantages

    • Unique, beautiful, individual drums
    • Handmade by cottage industry businesses or with your own hands
    • Unique spirit and energy (and different hides from different animals, each with their own unique energy)
    • You can buy them ready made, have them custom made, or make them yourself to your own preference and style (including adding symbols, crystals, painting them etc)

    Skin drums disadvantages

    • The quality can vary a lot & there are fakes (more on that below)
    • They are sensitive to weather, moisture & temperature. In winter you need a fire to warm them up if outdoors or in cold weather
    • They can get damaged by heat or moisture (you cannot play them in the rain and you have to the careful not to leave them somewhere hot, for example in the car)
    • Because they are handmade, they tend to be pricey (from Ā£150 to Ā£300 or more)

     

    I have skin drums from the following makers, and I trust and recommend their work:

    There are many other makers of drums both in the UK and around the world. Ask for recommendations and see whose work you resonate with.

     

     

    One affordable skin drum option I often recommend is the Irish Bodhran. Whilst it is not officially designed as a shamanic drum it works perfectly for that purpose (read my article where I share how I overcame the misguided idea that there was only one right way to play this drum). A bodhran usually comes with a wooden stick called a tipper, and youā€™ll need a soft beater instead but these are very easy to make (a foraged stick and a stuffed sock or piece of felt attached to the stick with a string or elastic, or watch this video). Or you could buy a beater to go with your drum. Drum beaters come in factory or handmade versions. There are plenty of handmade ones on Etsy.

    My first drum was a Bodhran, bought by my parents in Ireland from the oldest bodhran maker in Ireland, Malachy Kearns, and gifted to me. Malachy Kearns bodhrans start at 130 euros, however I have found such bodhrans available second hand on Ebay or Facebook marketplace for as little as Ā£30 to 40. Another well known bodhran brand is Waltons. Just make sure to buy one that is a decent size, at least 12 to 14 inches.

    When it comes to acquiring a skin drum, you can either buy one ready made, have something make a custom drum for you, or (the ultimate experience in my opinion), attend a workshop with a skilled drum making teacher, and make your own. When someone makes a drum for you, or you make your own drum, this drum carries the medicine that you need.

    Size matters

    With any drum, the bigger the drum, the deeper the sounds ( though I have sometimes seen smallish drums with surprisingly deep sound). For a starter drum I recommend something between 12 and 16 inches diameter. Really big drums (20 to 22 inches diameter) have beautiful, deep, resonant sound, but they can be tricky to hold and carry.

    A few other people I have either seen drums made by (some run drum birthing workshops and also sell kits to make your own drum)

    General instruments shops that sell drums and other musical instruments in the UK:

    A list of makers recommended by knowledgeable friends (but I haven’t seen these drums myself)

    What to avoid when buying a drum

    Quality matters. If at all possible try to listen to the sound of the drum before you buy. There are many cheap drums on Amazon for example, which are poor quality. They would be ok for a small child to play with. I was surprised when visiting Djoliba, a big percussion shop in Toulouse, France, to see a tiny drum cost more than some much bigger ones. The shop keeper explained that the tiny one I was looking at was handmade by a very well known drum company called Cooperman in the US, whereas the shelf of bigger drums I was looking at where factory made in India.

    Sadly there are also fake drums. A lot of whatā€™s sold on Facebook ads, Ebay or Amazon are often fakes/copies of real drum, made in China. People simply copy the artistā€™s pictures, and print and glue them on a plastic drum the size of my hand. Because they use the real artist pictures in the listing, what you think you’re getting and the reality are completely different, The drums made by Velenslav Voron for example, are so distinctive in style that I  instantly recognised one of his designs on a Facebook ad for Ā£30 on Facebook. I knew something wasnā€™t right, so I contacted him and he told me about the stealing of pictures, and the cheap copies, and about not being able to do anything about it because if he reports a shop, another shop pops up the next day. A friend bought such a drum and she sent me pictures of a crappy plastic drum not even good  enough for a child, with the picture and surrounding tape peeling off. Currently you can buy drums that look like the Shaman Drums from Ukraine for under Ā£10 on Aliexpress.  Remember: if itā€™s too good to be true, it probably is.  Get recommendations, and if possible, get to see and try before you buy.

    I hope this is helpful, and if you end up buying a drum with the help of this post Iā€™d love it if you posted a picture of your drum in the comments

    Happy drumming!

    If this speaks to you and you’d like to find out more about the work I offer with the drum, from one to one work, to healing, drum circles, workshops, and courses, you can find out more on this page.

    Or you find out more about how drumming supports your wellbeing in my new book, The Beat of Your Own Drum (the link includes a free sample chapter).

    drum book
  • Drumming for Birth: Reclaiming Our Ancestral Wisdom

    Drumming for Birth: Reclaiming Our Ancestral Wisdom

    I have been deeply immersed in research on the history of drumming, and how it was used for the pregnancy, birth and postpartum journey. Iā€™ve not been able to find much, apart from Layne Redmondā€™s book, When The Women Were Drummers, and a couple of blog posts and scholarly articles. So little has been written on the topic that the blog post I wrote two weeks ago about the science of drumming and how it helps support the birth process, is now coming up first when I search for the topic online!

    We have no recollection of our shamanic and wise women roots, because Western womenā€™s wisdom and authority have been systematically suppressed, devalued and marginalised AND shamanism has also been actively destroyed.

    I’m going to cover the 2 separate topics: the erasure of womenā€™s wisdom, and the erasure of shamanism, then finish by joining them.

    The erasure of womenā€™s wisdom

    This happened in 3 separate waves.

    First, around 5000 years BC, the beginning of the patriarchy saw the removal of the spiritual roles and power of women. Layne Redmond in her book, When the Women Were Drummers, explains that:

    ā€œThe rituals of the earliest known religions evolved around the beat of frame drums. These regions were founded on the worship of female deitiesā€¦Women became the first technicians of the sacred, performing religious functions we would today associate with the clergyā€¦.Sacred drumming was one of their primary skills.ā€

    ā€œPriestesses of the Goddess were skilled technicians in its (the frame drum) uses. They knew which rhythms quickened the life in freshly planted seeds; which facilitated childbirth; and which induced the ecstatic trance of spiritual transcendence. Guided by drumbeats, these sacred drummers could alter their consciousness at will, travelling through the three worlds of the Goddess: the heavens, the earth and the underworldā€

    With the transition from nomadic hunter-gatherer lifestyles to settled farming communities, property ownership and inheritance became important, leading to the consolidation of power within male lineages, instead of the previous matrilineal system. This shift marked a turning point in societal organisation, as men gained control over land, resources, and social structures, while women’s roles were increasingly confined to domestic and reproductive spheres.

    Secondly, during the witch hunts that took place in Europe (and America) from around 1400 to 1800, countless women were accused of practicing witchcraft and subsequently persecuted, leading to their torture and execution. Many of these women were healers, midwives, or possessed knowledge about herbal remedies and folk medicine. I assume that they may have been drummers amongst them too. The persecution of witches was, in part, an attempt to undermine women’s traditional roles as spiritual leaders, as well as to exert control over their bodies and reproductive capacities. The witch hunts resulted in the murder of between tens of thousands and hundreds of thousand women in Europe alone, creating a void in that knowledge.

    Thirdly, from around the 18th and 19th century, the rise of the scientific and medical fields further contributed to the side-lining of women’s wisdom. As these disciplines became professionalised, women were excluded from formal education and professional opportunities. This exclusion limited their ability to participate in scientific and medical advancements and denied society the benefit of their unique perspectives and expertise.

    The systematic exclusion of women from the medical field and science, and in particular childbirth, was done deliberately, with the portraying of wise women such as midwives and healers as unsafe, and dirty, and ignorant (so that male doctors could keep the lucrative business of birth for themselves alone-see the books Birth, A History By Tina Cassidy, and The Birth house by Ami MacKay).

    The erasure of shamanism in Europe

    The history of shamanic drumming in Europe is rich and varied, spanning back thousands of years. Various European cultures, such as the Celtic, Viking, Germanic, and SƔmi people, practised shamanism, which involved connecting with the spiritual realms through drumming, chanting, and other rituals. Shamans, known by different names in different cultures (e.g., druids, seidhr practitioners), used drums as a tool for trance induction and journeying to commune with spirits, seek guidance, and perform healing ceremonies to accompany life and death.

    With the spread of Christianity across Europe, shamanic traditions and practices were suppressed and demonised as pagan or heretical. Shamanic drumming, along with other shamanic rituals, faced persecution and was actively discouraged by religious authorities. Many indigenous cultures had their spiritual practices suppressed, and knowledge of shamanic drumming was lost or went underground.

    In her book, Les Esprits de la Steppe, Shaman and researcher Corinne Sombrun (the founder of the Trance Science Research institute), explains that Russia made practising shamanism illegal in Mongolia as little back in time as the late 1960s. Shamanā€™s drums were destroyed and the shamans sent to prison. Some, however, carried on practising in secret.

    In Europe too, remnants of shamanic traditions persisted in some regions, particularly in remote areas. In the northern parts of Europe, such as Lapland and Siberia, the SƔmi people continued their shamanic practices, including drumming..

    In the late 20th century, there was a resurgence of interest in shamanic practices and spirituality in Europe. Influenced by a growing recognition of the value of indigenous knowledge, shamanic drumming began to experience a revival. Today, shamanic drumming circles and workshops can be found in various European countries, providing individuals with a means to explore altered states of consciousness, connect with their inner selves, and tap into spiritual dimensions. This revival often draws inspiration from both indigenous European traditions and broader shamanic practices worldwide.

    ā€œWomen often feel that, along with a portion of their history, theyā€™re missing a part of their psyche. They have lost access to important regions of their minds. Until they can reclaim those parts of themselves, they are not wholeā€ Layne Redmond

    Joining back the two threads

    There is a part of these two threads that is still going on today in the Western world, in the attempt at destroying anything seen as ā€œnot scientificā€ or ā€œnot evidence basedā€. For instance, when something hasnā€™t been published about, it is assumed not to be effective (which is ridiculous because lack of evidence is not the same as proof of a lack of effectiveness). Our culture reveres science like a religion, and in some aspects our scientific or medical world behaves like a mediaeval church. Rupert Sheldrake explains this in his banned TED talk.

    If this seems far-fetched to you, did you know that today in the UK, there are charitable organisations (which I wonā€™t name because I donā€™t want to give them traffic), whose sole purpose is to destroy all forms of healing and traditional medicine that they consider to be pseudoscience. They target osteopathy, homeopathy, aromatherapy, reiki, the list goes on and on. Such an organisation successfully prevented osteopaths from saying that they can treat any condition for which the published evidence isnā€™t solid enough (for example, they are no longer allowed to say that they can treat colic). One such organisation managed to get a job offer post for a Reiki healer inside an NHS clinic removed.

    Similarly, modern maternity care behaves in accordance with patriarchy, where the ā€œexpertsā€ hold the power, and the pregnant woman is seen as ignorant (and potentially dangerous), and where when a conflict arises between rigid maternity guidelines (not themselves based on any solid evidence ironically) and women’s wishes, this usually results in coercive behaviour on the part of health professionals. As a doula I have witnessed this often, in particular with the rise of induction of labour, and women being coerced to consent to induction (without being counselled on any of the risks of the intervention) by using the threat of their baby dying.Ā 

    As Dr Rachel Reed explains in her book, Reclaiming Childbirth As A Rite of Passage,Ā  where ancestral knowledge aimed at protecting pregnant women against the environment, the current system aims to protect the baby against its mother.Ā 

    The reason I feel so strongly that drumming needs to be re-introduced to women and birth is because it can help us tune back into our intuitive wisdom. Bringing back drumming as a support tool during pregnancy and birth is not only an important part of bringing back our lost knowledge, but a powerful way for women to be able to be able reclaim their power and stand up to the ā€œexpertsā€.

    ā€œSo often women feel disconnected from their babies and their own bodies and this process helps work toward healing or dealing with whatever it is that blocks that connection.Ā  Shamanic journeying during pregnancy offers great preparation for labour and birth as both are best approached from a similar altered state of consciousness.”Ā Jane Hardwicke Collings

    Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā  Ā 

     

  • Drumming for Birth: The Wisdom and Science of How Drum Beats Support the Brain and Body to Empower the Birth Journey

    Drumming for Birth: The Wisdom and Science of How Drum Beats Support the Brain and Body to Empower the Birth Journey

    Pregnancy, birth and the postpartum constitute a profound rite of passage. Expectant families are often guided to seek holistic approaches to enhance their birth experience. One such approach, which is gaining recognition, is the ancient practice of drumming. Rhythm is innate, and every culture around the world has (or has had) drumming traditions.Ā 

    Beyond its musical and cultural significance, drumming offers a unique potential to support and empower and heal during pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period. In this post, I explain some of the ways in which drumming can positively influence the birth process.

    Creating Sacred Space

    Drumming can be part of bringing more sacredness to the pregnancy and birth journey. Pregnancy and birth are sacred processes which deserve reverence and a sense of ritual. In today’s modern healthcare system, where many births take place in hospital settings, it is essential to find ways to re-infuse the birthing process with a sense of sacredness. Drumming is a powerful way to create a sacred atmosphere, adding a ritualistic element that can positively impact the birth experience.

    ā€œAt home I felt in my own space, but in the hospital I felt at the mercy of the system, with a lot of vulnerability. The drumming stirred up my sense of empowerment and of standing up for myselfā€ Leigh

    Tuning in

    Drumming taps into the innate rhythms within us, synchronising the body, mind, and spirit. When expectant parents listen or engage in drumming, it helps them connect with their own internal rhythm and intuitive knowledge, promoting a sense of calm, focus, and empowerment. By embracing these qualities, individuals can navigate the various stages of the pregnancy and birth journey with greater ease and confidence. During labour, drumming can also support the mother into entering an altered state of consciousness that facilitates the birth process.

    In the book ā€œWhen the drummers were womenā€ Layne Redmond explains:

    ā€œPriestesses of the Goddess were skilled technicians in its (the frame drum) uses. They knew which rhythms quickened the life in freshly planted seeds; which facilitated childbirth; and which induced the ecstatic trance of spiritual transcendence. Guided by drumbeats, these sacred drummers could alter their consciousness at will, travelling through the three worlds of the Goddess: the heavens, the earth and the underworldā€

    ā€œI had some gentle drumming at beginning of pregnancy. I found it very calming and healing. The effect lasted a couple of weeks.ā€ Leigh

    ā€œThe main thing I remember was my consciousness ascending with the drumbeat and connecting with my baby’s consciousness and bringing him into this reality before I did it physically.ā€ Ailsa

    Relaxation and Alleviating Anxiety

    The repetitive beats of a drum have a soothing effect on the nervous system, inducing a trance-like state of deep relaxation. Drumming can help reduce stress, and ease the anxiety commonly experienced during pregnancy and birth. This relaxation response not only promotes a more peaceful birth environment but also allows the mother to surrender to the flow of the process. Heartbeat-like drumming reminds us of our time in the womb, and promotes a sense of safety.

    ā€œI wanted a doula who could drum to help me remain calm (I had massive anxiety going into my second birth, for lots of reasons). ā€œ Ailsa

    Increasing Endorphin Release

    Drumming stimulates the release of endorphins, which are natural pain-relieving and mood-enhancing hormones. During labour, the intensity of contractions can be accompanied by discomfort and pain. Drumming can help activate the body’s own pain management system, creating a more positive birth experience.

    ā€œDuring my birth, the drumming felt a bit like when you are jogging and you have power music on, it gave me a power boost. It felt like it was saying ā€œopen up, relax, trust your body, have faith in the journeyā€. It made me feel more confident in my abilities.ā€Ā  Leigh

    Facilitating a Sense of Community and Support

    Drumming can be a communal activity, bringing together partners, doulas, midwives, and other birth supporters. Creating a drumming circle during pregnancy or birth fosters a sense of community and support, allowing individuals to feel held and encouraged throughout the birthing journey.Ā 

    I came to the drum circle on my due date, to ground myself, to feel the vibrations from the drums, and because I felt that it would call my baby into going into our world, to feel welcomed. Kamila

    Connecting with Spirituality

    Throughout history, drumming has been used as a spiritual practice, connecting individuals to their ancestral roots and the wisdom of past generations. By incorporating drumming into the birth process, expectant parents can tap into this ancient wisdom, accessing a deep sense of spirituality and connection. Drumming can serve as a bridge between the physical and the spiritual realms and can also help parents connect more easily with their unborn baby. Drumming helps create a sense of sacredness and people help turn inwards.Ā 

    ā€œI wanted a doula who could drum for me during birth for many reasons, to mark a huge initiation, welcome my baby into the world to the sound of the universeā€™s heartbeat, to have something of me present in a medical situation, a reminder of the vast context of the process I was going throughā€ Ailsa

    Nurturing the postpartum transition:

    Drumming continues to be a valuable practice beyond the birth itself, offering support and nurturing during the postpartum period. The beats of the drum can provide a soothing and grounding presence, helping new parents navigate the emotional and physical changes that accompany the postpartum transition. Drumming can serve as a form of self-care, allowing individuals to release tension, process emotions, and find inner peace during this transformative phase.

    ā€œA week after giving birth, during the closing the bones ceremony, the drumming helped me release something and really opened up the gates to my connection as a mother. The realisation that Iā€™d arrived as a mother really landed. It was beautiful, I cried tears of joy.ā€ Leigh

    Conclusion

    Drumming offers a unique and multifaceted approach to supporting the birthing process. By listening or practising drumming, expectant parents can tap into their inner strength, find deep relaxation, alleviate anxiety, enhance endorphin release, foster a sense of community, and connect with their baby and spiritual dimensions.Ā 

    Incorporating drumming into the birth journey holds potential for supporting transformative and empowering experiences.Ā 

    If you have drummed during the pregnancy, birth or postpartum journey, or have had drumming during these times, please comment below, Iā€™d love to hear your stories.

    Note:

    I am in the process of collating a lot of drumming research, experience and stories related to the birthing process and women life transitions. If you have stories to share, Iā€™d love to hear them, as I am writing a book about women and drumming.

    Read more: I have published an article about drumming for pregnancy and birth for the International Journal of Birth and Parent Education, which you can download for free here. I wrote another article about it in the Green Parent Magazine, which can be downloaded for free here. I offer an online course called drumming for birth. I gave a talk about the science of shamanic drumming at the convention of womenā€™s drummers in Colchester in November 2023 and will do the same again in 2024. I run monthly drum circles near Cambridge which everyone is welcome to attend. No experience necessary.

  • Drum healing, bullshit?

    Drum healing, bullshit?

    I have been on a journey from dismissal to powerful experience, and I want to tell my story with the hope that it may encourage others to explore this modality too. The first time I heard about drum healing from a friend my reaction was: drum healing? bullshit! It didn’t occur to me to be curious and ask my friend questions about what he did. All I felt was judgement and dismissal. It’s a funny thing isn’t it? We all accept that sounds can do medical stuff (how does a doppler work?), but because shamanic drumming has been mostly erased from our culture, we dismiss it as hippy, non evidence based woo.

    My journey into drumming as a practise came from first hand experience. In 2013 when I attended a doula retreat, and there was a drum workshop called Shamanic Work for Doulas. Amongst other things that day, the teacher led a drum journey. I was very sceptical, thinking “this isn’t going to work”. And yet, as I relaxed into the journey, I had the most vivid visions of what felt like past lives to me. The experience blew my mind and unlocked a part of me that I didn’t know about. It left me yearning for more, and I left the retreat with a desire to own a drum. I told my mother, about it, and she gifted me a Bodhran she has bought on a trip to Ireland.

    I brought the Bodhran back home, but I felt out of my comfort zone playing it. because I didn’t know how. My brother,Ā  a professional musician, showed me how to play it with the traditional stick. I I couldn’t play it well with the stick and felt disheartened. When I returned to Cambridge with my drum, I visited my friend Peter, a scientist, shaman and drum maker. I explained my quandary to him. Peter asked me what I wanted to do with this drum. “Do you want to play in an Irish band?” he asked. I said “no, I want to do some shamanic drumming”. Then he explained I didn’t need to use the stick and showed me how to make a felt beater, and how to use it. This was a very empowering moment, because Peter gave me the confidence to experiment and start drumming. It also helped shape who I am, and how to help others learn and explore in non prescriptive ways. I like to encourage people to develop skills in a way that works for them.

    I started playing my Bodhran and experimenting with it. I did this by myself and with no guidance, a way of exploring things which I now realise is quite natural for me, as a kinaesthetic learner. I have found that, whilst getting tuition from more experienced people is valuable, there is also value in exploring what a new modality feels like for you, without another person’s views affecting your experience.

    The following year, at the doula retreat there was a drumming workshop with Carolyn Hillyer, where we all drummed as a group. I absolutely loved it and wowed to make drumming a regular practise.

    That year I also ended up giving someone a closing the bones massage at the retreat. My friend Rebecca drummed in the background whilst we rocked and massaged and held the women receiving the ceremony. This felt very powerful and I asked questions to Rebecca about it and she suggested I buy a particular drum a maker on Etsy. I bought this drum shortly afterwards.

    Drumming soon became something I added to the ceremony at the end of my closing the bones workshops. I also started offering it to clients who received the ritual and who liked the idea. I loved introducing women to the powerful mind altering state that drumming provides. I had a bit of a drumming hiatus after that. Growth paths aren’t linear. I struggled with some lack of belief in my abilities to drum for a while

    In 2016 I attended another doula retreat, there was more drumming involved with a workshop that included a journey to meet our power animal. It rekindled my love of drumming big time and I felt drawn to birth my own drum. A few weeks later in July 2016, I attend a drumming making workshop with Jo Gray in Essex, Ā It was a wonderful day. I made a drum, and the most gorgeous drum beater, complete with wood burning decorations and crystals embedded in the beater’s handle. Slowly, drumming became more of a normal practise for me, thought I still had a small element of impostor syndrome about it.

    I birthed another drum at the 2017 doula retreat, where we spent 2 days making a drum with Carolyn Hillyer.Ā  13 of us doulas made this drum together. The following year we brought back our drums and drummed together which was magical. This drum became my favourite and I have used it for healing ever since. In 2017 I also felt drawn to get more learning behind my drum healing practise. I attended the Reiki Drum technique training with Sarah Gregg , during which I experienced some deep healing. The Reiki Drum techniques uses the drum to channel Reiki healing onto the person receiving the treatment.

    Joining the Reiki Drum family meant that I also got to attend Sarah’s Spring Equinox Gathering the following year. Drumming together with 60 other reiki drum practitioners was a powerful experience I will never forget. Sarah made a video of the day and if you watch carefully you can spot me in it.

    After that, drumming became something I do, and no longer felt weird. I started offering it as standard as part of my closing the bone treatments and rituals. I also used it as part of women circles, and mother blessings and group closing the bone ceremonies. I love drumming alone, but but group drumming is even more special.

    In 2019 I was lucky to become the owner of a handcarved wolf drum (my spirit animal) from the incredible talented finish drum maker Juha Jarvinen.

    In 2019 I also ticked one of my bucket list wishes: Ā to drum at a birth. I actually got to drum during a two births that year. The first one was a home birth, which felt quite natural to do. The second time, I was specifically hired by a woman who wanted me to drum at her birth. I got to drum in the hospital for the first time. There were two of us drumming during this birth. It was in the birth centre, which is staffed by midwifes who are generally more on board with natural birth than in the obstetric unit.Ā  I was still aware that it could raise some eyebrows, in a “what’s that weird hippy shit they are doing over there?”. It felt very helpful for the mothers to have drumming whilst they laboured, and I was delighted with the experience.

    In November 2019 I felt a pull to take my drum work further and I decided to train to become a Reiki Drum teacher. I did 24 reiki drum sessions in the space of a couple of months as part of my case studies. Some of my case studies had mind blowing healing experiences through it, way beyond my expectations. It only strengthened my desire to carry on. I attended the training in February 2020 and loved it. I haven’t had the opportunity to teach this modality yet due to the lockdowns, but I have found that it has had tremendous effects on my personal growth.

    Early in 2020 I also started attending a gong bath in Cambridge, which has 12 enormous gongs and some giant chimes. I had amazing experiences of relaxation from it, including feeling the ground move under my body, and I could still feel the benefits the next day. If you have never had a drum journey or healing session, I truly recommend it. It is incredibly relaxing, I liken it to having a massage in your brain. It frees your way of thinking and allows you to look at problems and issues sideways and find your own creative solutions.

    In 2020 I also started running monthly drum circles in Cambridge. It went better than I could have imagined. 14 people turned up to the first 2 live sessions, many of which had never done any drumming before. It worked extremely well and all where delighted by the experience. During the first lockdown I ran it on zoom, and then outdoors in the woods over the summer. I am still running these circles 3 years on, and this has included running them online (during lockdowns) as well as in person.

    In May 2020 I turned 50. I started the day drumming in the woods with two other women, and we have been drumming twice a week together ever since. It has been utterly supportive and transformative. It ticks all three boxes of wellbeing for me : me connection to myself, to nature, and to people I love. I link a lot of my personal growth and development to this practise. I’ve also reached the point where drumming feels like a completely normal activity for me.

    If after reading this you still think that drum healing is bullshit, it might help you to know that there is some cool published research on the effect of drumming on the brain, completed with EEG measurement showing an altered state of consciousness. You can find a review of some of these papers hereĀ .

    French shaman and researcher Corinne Sombrun has co-created an institute of research called the Science Trance research institute , and works with neurobiologists to understand the effect of drumming sound on trance like states. One of their published papers states that:

    “We present the first neurophysiological study of a normal subject and our co-author, who had received extensive training in the Mongolian shamanic tradition and is capable of inducing a shamanic trance state at will. We integrate original research with literature review and suggest a unified psychobiological model for ā€˜alteredā€™ modes of consciousness. This model incorporates objective, subjective and intersubjective science within a broad evolutionary framework to provide a non-reductionist account of psychological, biological and social determinants of self experience that helps to bridge Western and traditional healing techniques.”

     

  • Closure book review: How the ending of the Albany Midwifery Practice was about control, not safety

    Closure book review: How the ending of the Albany Midwifery Practice was about control, not safety

    I just finished the book ā€œClosure: How the flagship Albany Midwifery Practice, at the heart of its South London community, was demonised and dismantledā€ by Becky Reed and Nadine Edwards.

    I found Closure a gripping and soul-stirring book. It peels back the layers surrounding the downfall of the Albany Midwifery Practice, a ground-breaking continuity of care model, which ran from 1997 to 2009 in Peckham, South London.Ā 

    Defying the official narrative that safety concerns were the reasons for closing the practice, Closure exposes and challenges motives rooted in control and suppression. Meticulous research, first-hand accounts, and interviews with key figures paint a vivid picture, demonstrating that the model provided safe and effective care with positive outcomes well above those achieved by local hospitals. They also leave little doubt that the closure was not a mere unfortunate occurrence but a deliberate ploy orchestrated by influential forces.

    Using powerful storytelling, Closure unveils the profound connections and trust that existed between the Albany midwives and the community they served. It portrays the impact of the practice’s nurturing approach on expectant mothers, birth and postpartum experiences, families, and the wider community. The Albany Practice did not just provide exemplary maternity care, it provided a space to build and nurture communities that lasted beyond the childbearing years.

    Closure delves into themes of community, power dynamics, and the complex web of interests that shapes the fate of medical services. It empowers readers to question the narratives imposed by those in authority and to champion the preservation of institutions that nurture the health and well-being of communities. Closure is a catalyst for change, inspiring us to fight for the rights of families to birth where and with whom they choose, and for a maternity care system where connection and compassion prevails.

    Closure stands as a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Albany Midwifery Practice. The time and effort the midwives and their supporters spent trying to prevent the closure of the practise and to raise awareness about the amazing results the practice achieved, is truly inspiring. Sadly their efforts were not successful in preventing the practice’s closure. I couldn’t help but wonder, if the situation had happened ten years later, whether the impact of a powerful social media campaign might have led to a different outcome.

    Reading Closure left me reeling with a mix of intense emotions. I felt a deep sense of outrage as the book exposed the web of deception and incompetence surrounding the closure of the practice. My blood boiled at the realisation that the supposed safety concerns were nothing more than a smokescreen masking a hidden agenda. I also felt familiar rage towards the belittling attitude of medical management professionals towards the midwives and the families who tried to challenge the closure.Ā 

    I kept asking myself: how did a medical institution lose sight of its fundamental purposeā€”to serve patients and the community? Sadly, this scenario has become all too familiar. For let’s be clear: it wasn’t safety concerns that caused the demise of the Albany, but the fact that it challenged the status quo so deeply. Whenever a ground-breaking and successful model emerges, challenging the very foundation of an existing institution, the response is often one of silencing and destroying the individual or practice behind it, rather than engaging in introspection and self-improvement.

    I also felt a deep sense of empathy and sadness as I read the poignant stories of mothers, families, the dedicated Albany midwives, and the witch hunt against midwife Becky Reed. The testimonies laid bare the devastating impact of losing this wonderful midwifery practiceā€”a sanctuary of care, support and empowerment. My heart ached for the mothers robbed of a trusted support system during their pregnancy journey, and for the midwives whose passion and expertise were trampled and discarded.Ā 

    The rollercoaster of emotions continued, weaving indignation and compassion. Alongside the anger, I felt deep admiration for the unwavering resilience displayed by those affected. They highlighted the strength that can arise when a community unites to fight against injustice.

    Reading Closure made me revisit and confront the realities of power imbalances within maternity care and the impact they can have on individuals and communities, echoing my own experience supporting families as a doula. It stirred a renewed commitment to raising my voice to advocate for change in support of models of care that prioritise connection, informed decision making and evidence based transparency. The book also highlighted how deeply embedded the belief that birth is inherently dangerous is within our culture, and how most of the professionals within healthcare have no understanding of the concept of informed choice.

    Upon finishing the book, it became clearer than ever to me that the current maternity care system is beyond redemption, incapable of self-transformation from its dehumanising model of care.Ā 

    But I also felt hope, as if a turning point had been reached. I have been seeing the signs of transformation everywhere, especially since the pandemic has led to soaring rates of medical interventions such as induction of labour, that simply cannot be justified by logic or evidence. Families and birth professionals are reclaiming their rights to birth as they wish, stepping outside of a system that inflicts harm.Ā  Change is brewing, fuelled by a collective refusal to accept the disempowering and controlling attitude of the current maternity system, and to reclaim the autonomy and sacred nature of the birthing experience.

    The pendulum, when pushed too far in one direction, inevitably swings back the other way.Ā 

    PS:Ā  Closure has also inspired me to write a future blog called The Myth of Birth Safety in Hospital.

  • Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters.

    Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters.

    If you follow me youā€™ll know that Iā€™ve navigated more than my fair share of challenges over the last couple of years.

    Iā€™ve supported one of my children through severe mental health issues, Iā€™ve navigated the ups and downs of perimenopause, and I discovered that I have ADHD (I got formally diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and I plan to write another post about this). Itā€™s not been an easy time to say the least. When I look back I can see that Iā€™ve experienced chronic stress for 2 years.

    And yet, I also want to know that these challenges are somewhat linked and have all the hallmarks of a rite of passage. And that, despite the challenges, I already know that when I fully come out the other side, I will be happier than I was before. In my case, the growth has been commensurate with the level of pain.

    A couple of weeks ago I attended a talk about ADHD and women. One graph in particular drew my attention. It showed the peaks and troughs of hormones during perimenopause. It lookedĀ  like this:

    The messy ups and downs of hormones in the middle made me think: no wonder my world is in chaos. The chaos isn’t just outside of me, itā€™s inside as well! It reminded me of my experience of puberty, and also of the first few weeks of postpartum (where I also had big emotional ups and downs, and terrible night sweats).Ā  The messy hormone curve has all the hallmarks of a rite of passage,Ā  where there is no solid ground beneath your feet, where you no longer know who you are, where you have to face the scariest monsters, and where who you were, literally, has to die, to give birth to the new you.Ā 

    Added to that, over the last year, my ADHD symptoms increased to a level that has made daily life very difficult. I felt constantly overwhelmed, because within 5 min of getting up I would see ALL THE THINGS that needed doing, and be unable to prioritise them. For example Iā€™d start making coffee, then see that the dishwasher needed emptying, and on the way to that, that the dogā€™s water bowl needed refilling, that the recycling bin needs emptying, and I would start each task without finishing it, moving to the next and so on. This video illustrates the issue so well! I was aware that I was doing this, but unable to stop myself. I also got woken up several times a night, with night sweats and a racing heart. This would trigger anxiety, as I worried about all the things I wasn’t doing, this would often keep me awake for an hour or more.Ā  I would then wake at 5am with the anxiety mindset, and would not be able to go back to sleep So on top of the low mood, anxiety and overwhelm, I also felt exhausted. How Iā€™ve managed to keep the wheels on my small one woman self-employed business is unbelievable.

    I truly believe that everything is linked. There is evidence that the hormonal changes of perimenopause exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD. It certainly was the case for me, as my symptoms didnā€™t become unmanageable until last year. However, since I started reading about neurodivergence and discovered I have ADHD,Ā  when I look back, these symptoms had been rising steadily since I started my perimenopause journey in 2012.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I feel that one of the big issues is that we no longer have rites of passages accompanying huge life changes. Just like puberty or becoming a mother, perimenopause is completely unsupported from a community and spiritual point of view, and seen only through a pathological lens.

    Over the last year, on many occasions, I have felt such empathy for what I describe happens to new mothers, in my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters. The need for community support, for rest, for good food (provided by others), and for nourishing bodywork have felt so relevant. I have felt such longing for this myself, and often fantasised about what my life would be if I lived in a close knit community of women. I believe the same needs apply during the perimenopause, as well as during any other big life transition times. We simply cannot do it alone.

    When we no longer have the support of our community to help us navigate big life transitions, we suffer. When our culture is blind to the need for support during these times, unable to see it for the transformation that it is AND when our culture also depicts the transition in negative terms only, then we are completely lost at sea.

    To ride those big transitions, we need to be supported by groups of people who have experienced them, and who can support us through it from a place of gentle understanding and holding. Sadly, the generations before us have also lost this knowledge too, and there is therefore very little holding available. Nobody even remembers that it is a thing!

    Even deep into the depth of the challenges, I felt that the discomfort, the stripping, were all clearing me for something new.Ā  times for the last year or so, as Iā€™ve had to undergo more growth, at a faster rate than Iā€™ve ever had in my life. I already feel how much spaciousness, openness and tolerance this growth has given me. Itā€™s made me aware of unhelpful patterns in my brain, and as I am aware of them, I am no longer run by them. Starting microdosing was instrumental in this, and so did working with a neurodivergent coach.

    This doesnā€™t mean that there hasnā€™t been deep pain and a desire to escape it all. As I write this I am aware that a lot of the pain, as it was in those first few weeks of motherhood, stems from wanting my life to be like it was before. The pain is caused by resistance, and by a desire to run away from the pain. When I sink into it, when I stop fighting it, itā€™s never as bad as I feared.

    But, similarly to the fact that I, and many of the new mothers I have supported as a doula, struggle to adjust to the slower pace of new motherhood and often run themselves ragged by trying to do all the things they did before had a baby (Iā€™ve heard some many new mothers say ā€œIā€™m not doing anythingā€), so too does my pain stems from refusing my bodyā€™s demand for slowness and rest (which I know is easier said than done as a busy mother of special needs children, but still: the deepest pressure was the one I created myself)

    In the book Second Spring, Kate Codrington talks about the possibility of a menopause gap year. Since the beginning of my perimenopause 10 years ago, I have longed on many occasions to run away from the demands of family life, and entertained dreams of living in a commune of midlife women, tending the land and doing simple crafts. I have longed for peace, and for a slower pace of life, connected to the land and to a community of like minded people.

    I think thatā€™s where the lack of support from society has been the hardest. How on earth are we supposed to pause, to find space for peace and rest, in the midst of the demands of family life in the Western world? I also cannot help but wonder if motherhood later in life (my children were born when I was 35 and 39 and I’m 53 as I write this), means that I have teenagers, when ideally by now they would have already flown the nest and I wouldnā€™t need to provide so much care?

    If we lived in tribal society, or at least in medium sized communities of people who knew each other, then I imagine that 1) there would be elders who would understand, help understand, and support the process 2) the chores and demands of family life would be shared, this would lighten the load AND meet the needs for human connection, making this time feel easier on so many levels.

    Instead of the support, not only have I had to undergo the transition with neither map nor support, but the added mental health challenges of my child have made an already difficult time unbearable. Itā€™s perhaps no wonder that, now that I am finally out of a deep crisis and survival, my body has collapsed.

    The thing is, you cannot ā€œcureā€ the rite of passage. You just have to go through it, whether you like it or not. My tunnel has been long and dark and every time I thought I was finally due a break, something worse happened instead.Ā 

    In March we got the news that the funding for my youngest child to attend the small nurturing specialist school I spent 2 years fighting for, was successful. Instead of feeling better, my system crashed. I spent a night in A&E in the worst pain I had ever experienced, and a CT scan showed a kidney stone. I then concussed myself because I fainted due to the pain and hit my head,Ā  and had to spend a week in bed instead of going on the beautiful, much overdue holiday I had booked for my family to celebrate. Then for most of April, I felt the worst mood swings, tearfulness and exhaustion I had ever felt. I would go to bed at 8h30 and still waking up tired. I felt joyless. I became so tired and fed up with feeling like this. I desperately needed space to breathe, and feel like my normal self again. I longed for peace and calm.

    I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, but even with the right to choose route, I am now on a 6 month waiting list before I can start titration (and Iā€™m not sure ADHD drugs are something I want to take for the rest of my life either, having tried some already, read about this here). My GP ordered a bunch of blood tests, and suggested I try HRT. My first response to this was a complete no, because I feel that using drugs that put a lid on symptoms doesnā€™t resolve the underlying issue. My instinct also told me that they may prevent the spiritual development that goes with the drop in hormones.

    However, over the last 10 years Iā€™ve tried many different holistic approaches (and one less holistic): I’ve worked with 2 herbalists, I’ve tried CDB oil and many other supplements, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, family constellations, counselling, coaching, EFT, MAP, microdosing, antidepressants, emotion doodling, and more forms of bodywork and healing that I care to count (somatic massage, thai massage, reflexology, osteopathy, lomi-lomi, bowen, Rolfing, TRE, sound healing, Reiki, and more). They all provided some healing and some respite, but I was now in a place where none of these holistic approaches seemed to be enough anymore.

    I also developed regular weekly nurturing practices (all of which I can now see are dopamine raising activities), such as wild swimming, drumming in nature, and 5thythms dancing. When I started doing these, and a for a few years, they had a deep transformative effect on my wellbeing, and brought me calm and joy. Today, they still sustain me, and are an important part of my wellbeing, but somehow arenā€™t enough to keep me in a place of trust and peace.

    I had a chat with my neurodivergent coach, and she said that I wasn’t just coping with the menopause but with a lot of other challenges at the same time. She said that I could try HRT and see if it worked for me, and this was useful as I think I felt that it was all or nothing. In 2022 I tried antidepressants and hated it, and I thought this might be worth a try, at least to know if it helped or not.

    In my typical fashion (thank you ADHD hyperfocus!) I researched HRT deeply prior to the appointment with my GP to discuss it. I joined groups, I read books and articles, I spoke to a lot of people. One of my fears was that it would stop me from undergoing the spiritual development that comes with the menopause. I reached out to menopause mentor Kate Codgrinton, as Iā€™m reading her book, Second Spring. When I mentioned my concerns, she said that some women found that the HRT sometimes helped their spiritual growth, giving them more time and space to put helpful practices in place in their lives. In Second Spring there is a section about HRT, and it fits with what I believe. Menopause, Kate says, is a caterpillar to butterfly process. The hormones support can help you stay a strong caterpillar but not support you to become a butterfly. Reading this, I realised that I needed to be a strong caterpillar for my family at the moment.

    My fears alleviated, I decided to give HRT a try.Ā  I started taking it last week after researching the different forms (I choose to have the estrogen gel and micronised progesterone. I particularly like Dr Newsonā€™s prescription guide to HRT). I could feel a difference within 3 days of starting the estrogen gel, with improved mood, sleep, and energy.

    Just as Iā€™d hoped, a week on, not only do I feel calmer and happier and have more energy, I also have enough spaciousness inside of me to start looking at my life and putting things into place to feel better. I spoke to my coach about things I could do to improve my mental health and she suggested I make a jar with activities I can do when I feel low. She said when you feel stressed you cannot think. I made the jar there and then (when before the idea of having another task filled me with dread), and I was surprised by the list of ideas I wrote (once I got going I realised that I had a lot more ideas than I thought. You can find my list below.

    The re-regulating / grounding jar list

    • Go for a walk (with the dog)
    • Cuddle/play with the dog
    • 5 min dancing (Use Tankwa Town track which is like a a short 5rhythms wave Danielā€™s joik track, or the Double Touch trackĀ  depending on mood and need)
    • Craft something (even if only for 5 min)
    • Doodle how Iā€™m feeling (draw a person with thought bubbles)
    • Go to the river (swim or just contemplate)
    • Sensate break (10 min)
    • Self Reiki (10 min)
    • Drum (10 min)
    • Rebozo self massage (5 min)
    • Meditate (5 min)
    • Breathe slowly (5 min)
    • Smudge myself and/or my space
    • Sway hips (5 min)
    • Breathe against a wrapped rebozo
    • Notice things I can see, smell, hear
    • 5 min gratitude (think, write, or speak)
    • Take some rescue remedy sweets (easier to consume mindfully)
    • Diffuse or sniff uplifting or calming essential oil blend
    • Walk bare feet on the earth
    • Touch trees/plants

    If you want to create one for yourself, feel free to be inspired by my ideas, but make sure you add stuff that works for your unique self too. And remember that, if you pick a paper in the jar and you don’t like it, you can put it back and choose something else!

    Time will tell if it works, but writing the list uplifted me, as I realised I have more options/knowledge than I thought, and I also noticed that these activities are more likely to work for me than a list written by a stranger.Ā  Youā€™ll notice that a lot of the activities are short. This is because when I feel low, I have resistance to doing anything, and Iā€™m more likely to want to do something that takes 5 min than 20. Incorporating micro habits like this in my life feels do-able. And more importantly, it also feels like something that can bring restoration to my life in real ways, rather than waiting for something that takes a couple of hours like a massage.Ā 

    I hope you find this useful and helpful if you are experiencing similar challenges. I would love to hear about your experience.

     

  • Unseen Brilliance: ADHD, Witnessing Your Gifts, and Empowering Others to See Theirs

    Unseen Brilliance: ADHD, Witnessing Your Gifts, and Empowering Others to See Theirs

    Last week, I got diagnosed with ADHD (more on that in a future post), and I also taught a webinar about closing the bones, as well as a 2 day face to face closing the bones workshop.Ā 

    It was the first time I taught this course in person for a couple of years. It gave me a lot of space for reflection. I reflected about how much Iā€™ve grown, but mostly, about how much love and effort I put in everything I do, and how I wasnā€™t able to see this until now, because when things come to me easily, I tend to take them for granted.

    If, like me, you tend to be blind to your gifts, and focus mostly on what you are not doing, I hope this post will be helpful. Iā€™ll also suggest practical ways to change this.

    This is different from impostor syndrome, something I have managed to tame over the years, but something I also know is common, because I saw it in the doulas I mentored over the year, and I see it in my students all the time.

    Listening to an episode of the ADHD for Smart Ass Women, I learnt that people with ADHD tend to have an ā€œangry neighbourā€ inner critic, as they cannot quite access the ā€œfriendly butlerā€ voice of the prefrontal cortex. People with ADHD often also have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is different from impostor syndrome. I plan to write something to disentangle the two in the future.

    It is an ongoing practice for me, to undo years of pattern in my brain. Itā€™s only since Iā€™ve been consciously focusing on this that I have become aware of how much of a perfectionist I am, and how my inner voice is a harsh critic.Ā 

    From 2016 to 2020, I taught at least a couple of workshops per month, travelling up and down the UK, and sometimes abroad. The pandemic and changing family circumstances led me to start offering my teaching as online courses (5 so far). Whilst I am delighted to have over 600 students from many different countries, and grateful for this as a source of income, there is something about teaching face to face and being in ceremonial space with like minded women that brings me unparalleled joy.

    Because I hadnā€™t taught this workshop for a while, I finally got a full measure of how much effort I put into this work, and I decided to write about it.

    Ā  Ā Ā Hereā€™s the prep I did for the workshop:

    • I rewrote the entire course handouts, to keep it up to date, and because I had recently reshot all of the course tutorial videos with a professional photographer. My handout is designed for students to have something to fall back on: a description, picture, and video tutorial of each of the techniques, as well as a description by an osteopath about what they do on the body.Ā  I have been to many trainings, including with people a lot more famous than me, and I have never come across anyone else who provides such a detailed handout.
    • I printed all the handouts for my students, on premium paper, then placed each of them inside a folder.
    • I rewrote my entire teaching plan (because Iā€™ve learnt new things and I want to share them).
    • I packed all my kit for teaching
    • Iā€™m someone who likes to bring ALL THE THINGS. I have always been. So when I pack for teaching (this was true ten years ago when I taught antenatal classes, or even when I taught free babywearing drop in clinics), itā€™s BIG. Packing takes the most part of a day before the workshop. Itā€™s harder and more time consuming to do now as my ADHD brain (I didnā€™t get severe symptoms until I hit the perimenopause), finds it hard to organise things and gets sidetracked and overwhelmed (this video illustrates this issue very well).
    • The teaching kit includes a lot of rebozos (some for practising, some for selling), some blankets a pelvis, altar items, a drum, a bluetooth speaker and essential oil diffuser, smudge and oils, some flowers for the altar, teas, coffee, and biscuits, and this time I also baked a groaning cake and make chia pudding and salad for the shared lunches.
    • All in all, it took over a week of prep. And this isnā€™t counting the work to advertise and share the workshop., hiring the venue etc.

    Ā Ā On the day of the workshop itself:

    • I drove there really early (45 min before people were due to start arriving) because I like to set the room up and be ready before people arrive. (ADHDers can be time blind, and often late, but in my case, itā€™s the opposite: Iā€™m always early as being late causes me anxiety).
    • I set up the chairs, the mats, the altar, the rebozos. I made it all very pretty. I was grateful to have the help of a student who is also a friend to do this.
    • I also set up the space energetically, both clearing and setting it up for being the right space to hold the teaching.
    • I prepared the drinks and cakes etc in the kitchen (this type my friend Malwina did this and I was very grateful)
    • This is what it looked like:

    The teaching:

    • Teaching closing the bones requires a lot of work, both in terms of time keeping (letting important discussion happen and encouraging sharing, whilst also keeping to the teaching plan). It also requires a lot of space holding as people often have big emotional releases during this work.
    • I have over 10 years of experience teaching this, and I always refine it. I am very good at holding space safely whilst I do this. I also have training in teaching, and I know how to make sure my students leave the workshop feeling confident, and I make myself available to support them and answer questions etc. (Again this is something that is less common than you think-with a lot of people I have trained with, I have found it impossible to get support after the training had ended.). I even support students I trained years ago, including giving them free copies of my updated handout.
    • I love it, it makes my soul sing and nourishes me to spend time sharing this and in ceremony with a group of women, but at the end of each day I crash, and then it takes me a couple of days of rest to recover.

    Packing up

    • When the workshop is finished, I need to pack up. Fold all the mats and rebozos, put them back into bags, put back the chairs, wash and tidy up the kitchen, put everything back in the car. Here, even with the help of 3 students who stayed behind, it took about 45min to complete.
    • Then I get home and near to wash all the rebozos and blankets (here I used about 30 of them!), and pack up my kit back where it belongs.
    • Here is a picture of my packed kit after the workshop was finished, and also the boot of my car filled with kit (there was as much stuff on the back seats too-it barely fits in my car).

    Ā  Ā 

    Working with business mentor George Kao Iā€™ve learnt to write manuals that includes all the step when I create and do something, and my the manual for this workshop is very long and has hundreds of steps.

    The feedback I get speaks for itself, as time and time again, I get people who are delighted about the training.

    • “I loved the balance of information, the explanations with your pelvis model, hearing your real life experience and stories, all the thoughtful extras: the tea, cake, the drums, your care, the love you oooze is incredible”
    • “The teaching was excellent: thorough, well organised, I felt safe, heard, understood. As a facilitator, Sophie is very professional, embodied and kind. I appreciated Sophie’s intuitive nature, and her combination of cognitive and intuitive approach”
    • “Everything was amazing. A great balance of hands on and explanation”

    But when you see me teach, the preparation work is invisible. And in some ways it is invisible to me too. Writing this blog has been quite enlightening in this regard.

    So if you are, like me, blind to your gifts, here are some suggestions that might help.

    • Write a Ta-Da list at the end of each week. Set a timer for 5 min and quickly write all the big tasks youā€™ve done that week. I write my wellbeing tasks, then family tasks, then work tasks. Every single time my mind is blown by the fact that I’ve forgotten most of what I’ve done, and have a feeling that I’ve not achieved much.
    • Write a Hat Manual (something I learnt from George Kao) for each of your big work processes. If you wear many hats in your business, writing a manual for each “hat” (I have one for big things like creating webinars, or for creating and teaching courses) means that the next time you do it, youā€™ll have a recipe to follow and you won’t need to reinvent the wheel. You can then review and improve the process. It also let you look at all the steps you took to do something, which helps make you more aware of how much work you do.
    • Keep a brag file. I use a word document, and I copy and paste into it every time someone gives me positive feedback. Read it from time to time.
    • Find a way to look at whatā€™s in your head. Journal, draw, reflect, talk to a kind friend or two. I took the Doodle your Emotions course last year and it works for me better than journaling. It allows me to become my own therapist.
    • Ask for kind friends to witness what you do. Itā€™s been transformative for me to become part of a community who loves me for who I am and reminds me that I am welcome to turn up at a gathering just by myself (and without a cake!). I also worked with a coach who showed me that being witness is a vital for me, otherwise I cannot see my gifts. Other people see strengths and gifts in you that you can often not see. I talk about this in my post The Kindness Boomerang.

    I hope this helps, and if you resonate, please comment below. Iā€™d love to hear about your experience.

     

  • The “untried penis”

    The “untried penis”

    Women sometimes get told that they cannot give birth at home with their first baby because they have an “untried pelvis”.

    What if we told men they couldn’t have sex at home the first time because they have an “untried penis”

    Just imagine a young couple going to see a health professional, to discuss their plan to have sex for the first time.

    Doctor: Hello please Ā come in, what can I help you with?

    Couple: Hello, we have been together for a while now, and we feel ready to start having sex.

    Doctor: That sounds about right, I will arrange for you to go to your local hospital.

    Couple: Actually we were hoping to have sex at home

    Doctor: At home!! For your first time?? This isn’t safe.

    Couple : Why? It’s quite a natural thing isn’t it?

    Doctor: Yes it’s a natural thing, but lots of things can go wrong, because you have an untried penis. When you’ve had sex at least once in hospital, and we know you can do it effectively and safely then we’re happy for you to have sex at home. But for your first time, it’s much safer to do it in the hospital

    Couple: What can go wrong?

    Doctor: Well we don’t know how long it will last, whether you’ll be able to get a strong enough erection, maintain it for long enough, that’s one thing. It can also be very strenuous for the two of you, so we will need to monitor your heart rate, temperature and blood pressure. People have heart attacks whilst having sex you know? And you are both nearly 25, the risk of heart attack doubles after 25. At least if you’re in the hospital there are doctors available to intervene quickly should anything bad happen.

    Couple: This sounds very worrying, but we really don’t like hospitals, the environment is cold and clinical, it smells of disinfectant, whereas at home we have the right atmosphere, smells, and all the comfort that we need.

    Doctor: Well you won’t need be there the whole time, you’ll get started at home anyway, we don’t really want you to come in until you’re past the established arousal stage. Plus it can be quite a messy affair, you don’t want to ruin your furniture, do you?

    Couple: So we will have to travel to the hospital, like, in the middle of it? Won’t this disrupt things?

    Doctor: A bit, especially if you come to the hospital too soon, before you have reached the established arousal stage. When you come in, an intimacy midwife will assess your arousal and the strength of your erection. If your erection isn’t big enough and you aren’t yet in the established arousal stage, we will send you home and tell you to come back later. But once you’re settled in the hospital, you should be able back into the swing of things quite quickly, especially as our staff is highly trained to support the intimacy process, and help you if you struggle. Also you need to know that nearly half of first time couples who are planning for home sex end up transferring to the Intimacy Unit anyway.

    Couple: We’ve had a tour of the hospital and we really don’t like the Intimacy Unit. The rooms are tiny, the beds are high and narrow, there are only bright lights and thin paper curtains, and no en-suite bathrooms.

    Doctor: well yes for your safety is paramount that we can see what you are doing, and access the bed quickly and easily, in case something goes wrong, you see. It’s also safer for you to be in the missionary position for that reason.

    Couple: This really puts us off,Ā  and we’re worried we won’t be able to do it in there.

    Doctor : Don’t worry if you fail to progress, we have a lot of technology at hand to help complete the process, like Viagra and penis substitutes.

    I tell you what, since you’re both still kind of low risk, as long as you’re still under 25 by the time you have sex, we could let you go to our Natural Climax Centre, instead of the Intimacy Unit. It’s a home from home centre, with large rooms, double beds and mood lighting, and even one hot tub per room so you can get in the mood and relax. It looks more like a fancy B&B than a hospital! It’s staffed by experienced intimacy midwives, who are skilled in supporting physiological sex. So it will be just yourselves, a midwife, and a couple of reproductive students. They only use intermittent monitoring every 5 min during the established arousal phase. Of course if anything goes outside of the guidelines, we would suggest you transfer to the Intimacy Unit where we can monitor your heart rate continuously, as well as intervene with a penis substitute if you cannot finish by yourself. As I said before, as you have an untried penis, we don’t know which way it will go.

    Couple: Regardless of the hospital location, we feel that having lots of people we don’t know watching us will be inhibiting. And we don’t want students!

    Doctor: Oh don’t worry about that, all the staff are trained and completed used to it! They see it all the time, and you once you get back into the swing of things, you won’t be paying attention to what’s going on around you. Plus we are a teaching hospital, so we need to train our students.

    Couple: We were also hoping to do it at a spontaneous time…

    Doctor: Well yes, for low risk couples it’s ok to wait for sex to start spontaneously, but since you’re both nearly 25 your risk of heart attack is higher, so if we haven’t had sex by the time you are 25, we think it’s safer for you to come in at an agreed time so we can monitor your heart rate from the beginning, and intervene if needed. We start the process in the pre-intimacy ward, by giving you some Viagra orally, and if that doesn’t work we can give it to you via a drip which is more effective.

    Couple: OK, doctor, we want to do what’s safest and not put ourselves in danger, so we will go for what you suggest.

     

    Why did I write this?

    Comparing childbirth to sex isn’t new.

    The hormone that drives labour, Oxytocin, the hormone of love, is the same hormone that floods our system when we have fall in love or have sex, and because this hormone flows best in dark, private, unobserved conditions (think romantic diner atmosphere), it is generally understood that one needs a similar atmosphere to birth a baby that they needed to make the baby.

    Sadly modern obstetric units rarely provide the environment for birth to unfold easily. This has been explained extremely well both in Tricia Anderson’s Out of the laboratory: back to the darkened room and in Marsden Wagner’s Fish can’t see water articles

    In the book “the function of the orgasms” Michel Odent wrote a “Dear John” wedding night preparation letter from a woman to her fiancĆ©, where she talks about the wedding night educator she has been working with and the wedding night plan she has been writing.

    There is a particularly clever satire video which depicts an Italian couple trying to conceive in an hospital, it’s called “The performance“. There is another one in English called “Push”.

    I have this wonderful role play that was written by Jill Alderton & Jill Oliver, for a home Birth Conference. It depicts a couple going to see their GP because wanting to have sex at home. I have adapted and rewritten it with the untried penis scenario.

    Reading an article in the press today triggered me to write this new analogy.

    There was the following quote

    ” Why could Meghan not have a home birth?

    Meghanā€™s reported decision to abandon her home birth could have been down to an number of factors, an expert claimed.

    Consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Peter Bowen-Simpkins, told the Mail: ā€œWhen you have your first baby you essentially have an ā€˜untried pelvisā€™.

    ā€œYou donā€™t know whatā€™s going to happen when the body prepares for labour and birth.

    ā€œIf a woman is on her second or subsequent baby and has had a normal delivery before then itā€™s likely there wouldnā€™t be any problem at all.

    ā€œBut you donā€™t know thatā€™s going to be the case until you have your first baby.ā€

    I got very annoyed reading this, for several reasons.

    First, because it’s yet another example of what is wrong with the current maternity care culture in this country. It’s a fear based culture, one that treats birth like an accident waiting to happen.

    Second, because it’s a symbol of the patriarchal culture within the maternity system. Birth is a natural physiological function for women. For a male doctor to state “she has an untried pelvis” is implying that women cannot give birth well by default.

    It’s a bit like saying to a man who is getting ready for his wedding night “Here’s a dildo, just in case you can’t get it up-no pressure”

    Reading about the untried pelvis made me wonder what would happen if we told men who hadn’t yet had sex that they have an “untried penis”.

    So I decided to write about this, just to illustrate how supportive it would feel for men if they were told this.

    Now I need to give a disclaimer. I know birth and sex are different processes. I know that bad sex doesn’t have the same possible consequences as a birth that goes wrong.

    I’ve also been a doula and birth educator for long enough (I started working in this field over 10 years ago) and seen enough births to know that nothing is ever black and white, and that things can go wrong. I’m not naive. And I’m not suggesting everybody should birth at home.

    I am also a paid up member of the informed choices society so I am NEVER going to push homebirth on anybody,Ā  and I’m as likely to fiercely help a woman to have an elective cesarean if it is what’s right for her that I am to support a woman to birth at home despite “high risk” factors.

    Also, language is important. The words we use can either inspire confidence (your labour is progressing really well) or cause anxiety and distress (you’re ONLY 3cm dilated).

    This is why I dislike the expression “untried pelvis” so much. Because it implies that it won’t work. That we will let you “TRY”. It’s not very encouraging is it?

    That’s why I wanted to make the analogy with the untried penis.

     

  • Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    I often get asked how to choose a rebozo, so here is a guide based on my experience of using a wide range of rebozos lengths and styles. When I started using rebozos, I only had a standard sized open weave one. It worked well for me, and I used it to support many families through pregnancy and birth. Over the last 15 years I have developed my knowledge of rebozo use and worked with many different type of rebozos and fabrics.

    I have practised rebozo techniques and facilitated rebozo workshops with several hundred women (and a few men) of all shapes and sizes. As I started selling rebozos, I acquired a large number of different rebozos and other shawls/scarves from many different suppliers and countries. Whilst you can use any rebozo for pretty much anything, I have found that different rebozos have different qualities, and lend themselves to different techniques.

    Rebozos can be a bit like choosing a pair of shoes. You would choose different pairs of shoes to go hiking or to attend a wedding. Similarly, certain lengths or types of fabric lend themselves better to certain techniques.

    If you’re on the shorter side like me (I’m 5ft3, 1.60m), and want to be able to wear the rebozo like a scarf or shawl, then a standard length (2 m plus fringe) may work better than a 2.5m length (thought you can still wrap it several times around your neck).

    Despite being fairly short, I sometimes support taller or larger people. After finding my standard rebozo length slightly too short for a particular technique during a birth, I started taking both a long and a short rebozo with me at births (sometimes they get covered in bodily fluids so it’s also good to be able to replace it if needed).

    When I worked as a doula, I used to gift a rebozo to my clients as part of my doula package, this way I knew they were more likely to become familiar with it and use it, plus it would make a lovely thing to keep afterwards. I would teach the partner a bunch of support and relaxation techniques, as well as show the mother how to wrap her belly and hips. A standard length (2m) works well for most people. I once supported a petite pregnant woman to wrap her hips, and I brought an long 2.5m instead of a 2 m one by mistake, and there was soĀ  much fabric around her hips when we practiced wrapping, making it feel cumbersome, so I brought her a shorter one at the next visit. However if the woman or her partner is tall then a longer rebozo might be more comfortable to use.

    If you are taller (over 5ft6, 1.67m) and you want to use your rebozo to do floor techniques (for example, to rock someone’s hips whilst they lie on the floor), then with a 2 m length youĀ  will need to bend forward as you work, which can be uncomfortable.Ā  A longer length (2.5m) might work better for you. Similarly, if the person you are supporting is very curvy, a short rebozo might not be long enough to cup the hips comfortably. Much of this is also down to personal preference and experience.

    As well as length, rebozos also come in different widths. I have seen some which vary from 50cm to 80cm in width.

    A width of 50 cm for example, might be a little too narrow to cup the average person’s hips if you are doing wrapping work such as closing the bones. A 60 to 70 cm width works better in my experience. Very wide rebozos can still be used comfortably, but they might be slightly more difficult to adjust if you want to focus on rocking a very specific part of the body, or if you are working with a very petite person. They also make great cosy shawls/blankets.

    As well as length, there are lots of different types of material, weaves and thickness etc. Having tried both cotton and acrylic rebozos, I personally prefer cotton, so I only stock cotton rebozos (apart from the rainbow rebozo from Guatemala which is a mix of cotton and synthetic fabric, but I love the look of this one). I personally don’t like the feel of 100% synthetic rebozos. I recently trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver and she advises against synthetic ones as they can produce static electricity.

    Open weave rebozos lend themselves very well to wrapping. The open weave means that they cup the body really closely, which is great for rocking and massage. When I trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver, she favoured these as well. They are also very grippy which means they stay tucked when wrapped around the body. They are my favourite rebozo for closing the bones. They are also thinner and pack smaller. The open weave can make them prone to pulls, so they are more fragile than closed weave rebozos, but thread pulls are easily pulled back into the weave by tugging on the fabric. For closing the bones I use 2m ones for the head, ribs, legs and feet, and 2.5 m ones for the shoulders and hips as they are the widest part of the body.

    Closed weave rebozos are both beautiful, grippy and sturdy. Most of them are soft straight away (though depending on the weaver some may need more than a wash and some use to soften the fabric, a bit like with a brand new babywearing woven wrap), and the closed weave makes them less prone to pulls and broken threads. They are slightly thicker than open weave rebozos. They are an all round versatile sturdy rebozo, and they make a good baby carrier too (here is a bunch of wrapping tutorials that shows you carries you can do with a 2.5m wrap). They are the kind of rebozo I like to take to a birth because of their sturdiness (this means that I do not worry about them getting damaged). I have one which has supported many births, and it still looks like new. I have these in both the standard and longer length (longer length is useful if supporting a larger or taller woman).

    Most rebozos come in standard length which is around between 1.8 and 2 (plus fringe). I think anything between 2 and 2.5 m/ up to 3mĀ  will work for most people. The longer length can give more versatility.

    An alternative is to use babywearing wraps (shorter ones, 2.5 to 3.5 m, as the standard 4.6m length would be quite cumbersome to use).

    I have stopped selling rebozos online, and only sell them in person during workshops. If you would like to buy some online, especially in the UK, I recommend Japjeet’s shop, as she uses the same ethical suppliers I do.Ā