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Sophie Messager

Author: Sophie Messager

  • Unseen Brilliance: ADHD, Witnessing Your Gifts, and Empowering Others to See Theirs

    Unseen Brilliance: ADHD, Witnessing Your Gifts, and Empowering Others to See Theirs

    Last week, I got diagnosed with ADHD (more on that in a future post), and I also taught a webinar about closing the bones, as well as a 2 day face to face closing the bones workshop.Ā 

    It was the first time I taught this course in person for a couple of years. It gave me a lot of space for reflection. I reflected about how much Iā€™ve grown, but mostly, about how much love and effort I put in everything I do, and how I wasnā€™t able to see this until now, because when things come to me easily, I tend to take them for granted.

    If, like me, you tend to be blind to your gifts, and focus mostly on what you are not doing, I hope this post will be helpful. Iā€™ll also suggest practical ways to change this.

    This is different from impostor syndrome, something I have managed to tame over the years, but something I also know is common, because I saw it in the doulas I mentored over the year, and I see it in my students all the time.

    Listening to an episode of the ADHD for Smart Ass Women, I learnt that people with ADHD tend to have an ā€œangry neighbourā€ inner critic, as they cannot quite access the ā€œfriendly butlerā€ voice of the prefrontal cortex. People with ADHD often also have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is different from impostor syndrome. I plan to write something to disentangle the two in the future.

    It is an ongoing practice for me, to undo years of pattern in my brain. Itā€™s only since Iā€™ve been consciously focusing on this that I have become aware of how much of a perfectionist I am, and how my inner voice is a harsh critic.Ā 

    From 2016 to 2020, I taught at least a couple of workshops per month, travelling up and down the UK, and sometimes abroad. The pandemic and changing family circumstances led me to start offering my teaching as online courses (5 so far). Whilst I am delighted to have over 600 students from many different countries, and grateful for this as a source of income, there is something about teaching face to face and being in ceremonial space with like minded women that brings me unparalleled joy.

    Because I hadnā€™t taught this workshop for a while, I finally got a full measure of how much effort I put into this work, and I decided to write about it.

    Ā  Ā Ā Hereā€™s the prep I did for the workshop:

    • I rewrote the entire course handouts, to keep it up to date, and because I had recently reshot all of the course tutorial videos with a professional photographer. My handout is designed for students to have something to fall back on: a description, picture, and video tutorial of each of the techniques, as well as a description by an osteopath about what they do on the body.Ā  I have been to many trainings, including with people a lot more famous than me, and I have never come across anyone else who provides such a detailed handout.
    • I printed all the handouts for my students, on premium paper, then placed each of them inside a folder.
    • I rewrote my entire teaching plan (because Iā€™ve learnt new things and I want to share them).
    • I packed all my kit for teaching
    • Iā€™m someone who likes to bring ALL THE THINGS. I have always been. So when I pack for teaching (this was true ten years ago when I taught antenatal classes, or even when I taught free babywearing drop in clinics), itā€™s BIG. Packing takes the most part of a day before the workshop. Itā€™s harder and more time consuming to do now as my ADHD brain (I didnā€™t get severe symptoms until I hit the perimenopause), finds it hard to organise things and gets sidetracked and overwhelmed (this video illustrates this issue very well).
    • The teaching kit includes a lot of rebozos (some for practising, some for selling), some blankets a pelvis, altar items, a drum, a bluetooth speaker and essential oil diffuser, smudge and oils, some flowers for the altar, teas, coffee, and biscuits, and this time I also baked a groaning cake and make chia pudding and salad for the shared lunches.
    • All in all, it took over a week of prep. And this isnā€™t counting the work to advertise and share the workshop., hiring the venue etc.

    Ā Ā On the day of the workshop itself:

    • I drove there really early (45 min before people were due to start arriving) because I like to set the room up and be ready before people arrive. (ADHDers can be time blind, and often late, but in my case, itā€™s the opposite: Iā€™m always early as being late causes me anxiety).
    • I set up the chairs, the mats, the altar, the rebozos. I made it all very pretty. I was grateful to have the help of a student who is also a friend to do this.
    • I also set up the space energetically, both clearing and setting it up for being the right space to hold the teaching.
    • I prepared the drinks and cakes etc in the kitchen (this type my friend Malwina did this and I was very grateful)
    • This is what it looked like:

    The teaching:

    • Teaching closing the bones requires a lot of work, both in terms of time keeping (letting important discussion happen and encouraging sharing, whilst also keeping to the teaching plan). It also requires a lot of space holding as people often have big emotional releases during this work.
    • I have over 10 years of experience teaching this, and I always refine it. I am very good at holding space safely whilst I do this. I also have training in teaching, and I know how to make sure my students leave the workshop feeling confident, and I make myself available to support them and answer questions etc. (Again this is something that is less common than you think-with a lot of people I have trained with, I have found it impossible to get support after the training had ended.). I even support students I trained years ago, including giving them free copies of my updated handout.
    • I love it, it makes my soul sing and nourishes me to spend time sharing this and in ceremony with a group of women, but at the end of each day I crash, and then it takes me a couple of days of rest to recover.

    Packing up

    • When the workshop is finished, I need to pack up. Fold all the mats and rebozos, put them back into bags, put back the chairs, wash and tidy up the kitchen, put everything back in the car. Here, even with the help of 3 students who stayed behind, it took about 45min to complete.
    • Then I get home and near to wash all the rebozos and blankets (here I used about 30 of them!), and pack up my kit back where it belongs.
    • Here is a picture of my packed kit after the workshop was finished, and also the boot of my car filled with kit (there was as much stuff on the back seats too-it barely fits in my car).

    Ā  Ā 

    Working with business mentor George Kao Iā€™ve learnt to write manuals that includes all the step when I create and do something, and my the manual for this workshop is very long and has hundreds of steps.

    The feedback I get speaks for itself, as time and time again, I get people who are delighted about the training.

    • “I loved the balance of information, the explanations with your pelvis model, hearing your real life experience and stories, all the thoughtful extras: the tea, cake, the drums, your care, the love you oooze is incredible”
    • “The teaching was excellent: thorough, well organised, I felt safe, heard, understood. As a facilitator, Sophie is very professional, embodied and kind. I appreciated Sophie’s intuitive nature, and her combination of cognitive and intuitive approach”
    • “Everything was amazing. A great balance of hands on and explanation”

    But when you see me teach, the preparation work is invisible. And in some ways it is invisible to me too. Writing this blog has been quite enlightening in this regard.

    So if you are, like me, blind to your gifts, here are some suggestions that might help.

    • Write a Ta-Da list at the end of each week. Set a timer for 5 min and quickly write all the big tasks youā€™ve done that week. I write my wellbeing tasks, then family tasks, then work tasks. Every single time my mind is blown by the fact that I’ve forgotten most of what I’ve done, and have a feeling that I’ve not achieved much.
    • Write a Hat Manual (something I learnt from George Kao) for each of your big work processes. If you wear many hats in your business, writing a manual for each “hat” (I have one for big things like creating webinars, or for creating and teaching courses) means that the next time you do it, youā€™ll have a recipe to follow and you won’t need to reinvent the wheel. You can then review and improve the process. It also let you look at all the steps you took to do something, which helps make you more aware of how much work you do.
    • Keep a brag file. I use a word document, and I copy and paste into it every time someone gives me positive feedback. Read it from time to time.
    • Find a way to look at whatā€™s in your head. Journal, draw, reflect, talk to a kind friend or two. I took the Doodle your Emotions course last year and it works for me better than journaling. It allows me to become my own therapist.
    • Ask for kind friends to witness what you do. Itā€™s been transformative for me to become part of a community who loves me for who I am and reminds me that I am welcome to turn up at a gathering just by myself (and without a cake!). I also worked with a coach who showed me that being witness is a vital for me, otherwise I cannot see my gifts. Other people see strengths and gifts in you that you can often not see. I talk about this in my post The Kindness Boomerang.

    I hope this helps, and if you resonate, please comment below. Iā€™d love to hear about your experience.

     

  • The “untried penis”

    The “untried penis”

    Women sometimes get told that they cannot give birth at home with their first baby because they have an “untried pelvis”.

    What if we told men they couldn’t have sex at home the first time because they have an “untried penis”

    Just imagine a young couple going to see a health professional, to discuss their plan to have sex for the first time.

    Doctor: Hello please Ā come in, what can I help you with?

    Couple: Hello, we have been together for a while now, and we feel ready to start having sex.

    Doctor: That sounds about right, I will arrange for you to go to your local hospital.

    Couple: Actually we were hoping to have sex at home

    Doctor: At home!! For your first time?? This isn’t safe.

    Couple : Why? It’s quite a natural thing isn’t it?

    Doctor: Yes it’s a natural thing, but lots of things can go wrong, because you have an untried penis. When you’ve had sex at least once in hospital, and we know you can do it effectively and safely then we’re happy for you to have sex at home. But for your first time, it’s much safer to do it in the hospital

    Couple: What can go wrong?

    Doctor: Well we don’t know how long it will last, whether you’ll be able to get a strong enough erection, maintain it for long enough, that’s one thing. It can also be very strenuous for the two of you, so we will need to monitor your heart rate, temperature and blood pressure. People have heart attacks whilst having sex you know? And you are both nearly 25, the risk of heart attack doubles after 25. At least if you’re in the hospital there are doctors available to intervene quickly should anything bad happen.

    Couple: This sounds very worrying, but we really don’t like hospitals, the environment is cold and clinical, it smells of disinfectant, whereas at home we have the right atmosphere, smells, and all the comfort that we need.

    Doctor: Well you won’t need be there the whole time, you’ll get started at home anyway, we don’t really want you to come in until you’re past the established arousal stage. Plus it can be quite a messy affair, you don’t want to ruin your furniture, do you?

    Couple: So we will have to travel to the hospital, like, in the middle of it? Won’t this disrupt things?

    Doctor: A bit, especially if you come to the hospital too soon, before you have reached the established arousal stage. When you come in, an intimacy midwife will assess your arousal and the strength of your erection. If your erection isn’t big enough and you aren’t yet in the established arousal stage, we will send you home and tell you to come back later. But once you’re settled in the hospital, you should be able back into the swing of things quite quickly, especially as our staff is highly trained to support the intimacy process, and help you if you struggle. Also you need to know that nearly half of first time couples who are planning for home sex end up transferring to the Intimacy Unit anyway.

    Couple: We’ve had a tour of the hospital and we really don’t like the Intimacy Unit. The rooms are tiny, the beds are high and narrow, there are only bright lights and thin paper curtains, and no en-suite bathrooms.

    Doctor: well yes for your safety is paramount that we can see what you are doing, and access the bed quickly and easily, in case something goes wrong, you see. It’s also safer for you to be in the missionary position for that reason.

    Couple: This really puts us off,Ā  and we’re worried we won’t be able to do it in there.

    Doctor : Don’t worry if you fail to progress, we have a lot of technology at hand to help complete the process, like Viagra and penis substitutes.

    I tell you what, since you’re both still kind of low risk, as long as you’re still under 25 by the time you have sex, we could let you go to our Natural Climax Centre, instead of the Intimacy Unit. It’s a home from home centre, with large rooms, double beds and mood lighting, and even one hot tub per room so you can get in the mood and relax. It looks more like a fancy B&B than a hospital! It’s staffed by experienced intimacy midwives, who are skilled in supporting physiological sex. So it will be just yourselves, a midwife, and a couple of reproductive students. They only use intermittent monitoring every 5 min during the established arousal phase. Of course if anything goes outside of the guidelines, we would suggest you transfer to the Intimacy Unit where we can monitor your heart rate continuously, as well as intervene with a penis substitute if you cannot finish by yourself. As I said before, as you have an untried penis, we don’t know which way it will go.

    Couple: Regardless of the hospital location, we feel that having lots of people we don’t know watching us will be inhibiting. And we don’t want students!

    Doctor: Oh don’t worry about that, all the staff are trained and completed used to it! They see it all the time, and you once you get back into the swing of things, you won’t be paying attention to what’s going on around you. Plus we are a teaching hospital, so we need to train our students.

    Couple: We were also hoping to do it at a spontaneous time…

    Doctor: Well yes, for low risk couples it’s ok to wait for sex to start spontaneously, but since you’re both nearly 25 your risk of heart attack is higher, so if we haven’t had sex by the time you are 25, we think it’s safer for you to come in at an agreed time so we can monitor your heart rate from the beginning, and intervene if needed. We start the process in the pre-intimacy ward, by giving you some Viagra orally, and if that doesn’t work we can give it to you via a drip which is more effective.

    Couple: OK, doctor, we want to do what’s safest and not put ourselves in danger, so we will go for what you suggest.

     

    Why did I write this?

    Comparing childbirth to sex isn’t new.

    The hormone that drives labour, Oxytocin, the hormone of love, is the same hormone that floods our system when we have fall in love or have sex, and because this hormone flows best in dark, private, unobserved conditions (think romantic diner atmosphere), it is generally understood that one needs a similar atmosphere to birth a baby that they needed to make the baby.

    Sadly modern obstetric units rarely provide the environment for birth to unfold easily. This has been explained extremely well both in Tricia Anderson’s Out of the laboratory: back to the darkened room and in Marsden Wagner’s Fish can’t see water articles

    In the book “the function of the orgasms” Michel Odent wrote a “Dear John” wedding night preparation letter from a woman to her fiancĆ©, where she talks about the wedding night educator she has been working with and the wedding night plan she has been writing.

    There is a particularly clever satire video which depicts an Italian couple trying to conceive in an hospital, it’s called “The performance“. There is another one in English called “Push”.

    I have this wonderful role play that was written by Jill Alderton & Jill Oliver, for a home Birth Conference. It depicts a couple going to see their GP because wanting to have sex at home. I have adapted and rewritten it with the untried penis scenario.

    Reading an article in the press today triggered me to write this new analogy.

    There was the following quote

    ” Why could Meghan not have a home birth?

    Meghanā€™s reported decision to abandon her home birth could have been down to an number of factors, an expert claimed.

    Consultant obstetrician and gynaecologist Peter Bowen-Simpkins, told the Mail: ā€œWhen you have your first baby you essentially have an ā€˜untried pelvisā€™.

    ā€œYou donā€™t know whatā€™s going to happen when the body prepares for labour and birth.

    ā€œIf a woman is on her second or subsequent baby and has had a normal delivery before then itā€™s likely there wouldnā€™t be any problem at all.

    ā€œBut you donā€™t know thatā€™s going to be the case until you have your first baby.ā€

    I got very annoyed reading this, for several reasons.

    First, because it’s yet another example of what is wrong with the current maternity care culture in this country. It’s a fear based culture, one that treats birth like an accident waiting to happen.

    Second, because it’s a symbol of the patriarchal culture within the maternity system. Birth is a natural physiological function for women. For a male doctor to state “she has an untried pelvis” is implying that women cannot give birth well by default.

    It’s a bit like saying to a man who is getting ready for his wedding night “Here’s a dildo, just in case you can’t get it up-no pressure”

    Reading about the untried pelvis made me wonder what would happen if we told men who hadn’t yet had sex that they have an “untried penis”.

    So I decided to write about this, just to illustrate how supportive it would feel for men if they were told this.

    Now I need to give a disclaimer. I know birth and sex are different processes. I know that bad sex doesn’t have the same possible consequences as a birth that goes wrong.

    I’ve also been a doula and birth educator for long enough (I started working in this field over 10 years ago) and seen enough births to know that nothing is ever black and white, and that things can go wrong. I’m not naive. And I’m not suggesting everybody should birth at home.

    I am also a paid up member of the informed choices society so I am NEVER going to push homebirth on anybody,Ā  and I’m as likely to fiercely help a woman to have an elective cesarean if it is what’s right for her that I am to support a woman to birth at home despite “high risk” factors.

    Also, language is important. The words we use can either inspire confidence (your labour is progressing really well) or cause anxiety and distress (you’re ONLY 3cm dilated).

    This is why I dislike the expression “untried pelvis” so much. Because it implies that it won’t work. That we will let you “TRY”. It’s not very encouraging is it?

    That’s why I wanted to make the analogy with the untried penis.

     

  • Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    I often get asked how to choose a rebozo, so here is a guide based on my experience of using a wide range of rebozos lengths and styles. When I started using rebozos, I only had a standard sized open weave one. It worked well for me, and I used it to support many families through pregnancy and birth. Over the last 10 years I have developed my knowledge of rebozo use and worked with many different type of rebozos and fabrics.

    I have practised rebozo techniques and facilitated rebozo workshops with several hundred women (and a few men) of all shapes and sizes. As I started selling rebozos, I acquired a large number of different rebozos and other shawls/scarves from many different suppliers and countries. Whilst you can use any rebozo for pretty much anything, I have found that different rebozos have different qualities, and lend themselves to different techniques.

    Rebozos can be a bit like choosing a pair of shoes. You would choose different pairs of shoes to go hiking or to attend a wedding. Similarly, certain lengths or types of fabric lend themselves better to certain techniques.

    If you’re on the shorter side like me (I’m 5ft3, 1.60m), and want to be able to wear the rebozo like a scarf or shawl, then a standard length (2 m plus fringe) may work better than a 2.5m length (thought you can still wrap it several times around your neck).

    Despite being short, I sometimes support taller or larger people. After finding my standard rebozo length slightly too short for a particular technique during a birth, I started taking both a long and a short rebozo with me at births (sometimes they get covered in bodily fluids so it’s good to be able to replace it if needed).

    When I worked as a doula, I used to gift a rebozo to my clients as part of my doula package, this way I knew they were more likely to become familiar with it and use it, plus it would make a lovely thing to keep afterwards. I would teach the partner a bunch of support and relaxation techniques, as well as show the mother how to wrap her belly and hips. A standard length (2m) works well for most people. I once supported a petite pregnant woman to wrap her hips, and I brought an long 2.5m instead of a 2 m one by mistake, and there was soĀ  much fabric around her hips when we practiced wrapping, making it feel cumbersome, so I brought her a shorter one at the next visit. However if the woman or her partner is tall then a longer rebozo might be more comfortable to use.

    If you are tall (over 5ft6, 1.67m) and you want to use your rebozo to do floor techniques (for example, to rock someone’s hips whilst they lie on the floor), then with a 2 m length youĀ  will need to bend forward as you work, which can be uncomfortable.Ā  A longer length (2.5m) might work better for you. Similarly, if the person you are supporting is very curvy, a short rebozo might not be long enough to cup the hips comfortably. Much of this is also down to personal preference and experience.

    As well as length, rebozos also come in different widths. I have seen some which vary from 50cm to 80cm in width.

    A width of 50 cm for example, might be a little too narrow to cup the average person’s hips if you are doing wrapping work such as closing the bones. A 60 to 70 cm width works better in my experience. Very wide rebozos can still be used comfortably, but they might be slightly more difficult to adjust if you want to focus on rocking a very specific part of the body, or if you are working with a very petite person. They also make great cosy shawls/blankets.

    As well as length, there are lots of different types of material, weaves and thickness etc. Having tried both cotton and acrylic rebozos, I personally prefer cotton, so I only stock cotton rebozos (apart from the rainbow rebozo from Guatemala which is a mix of cotton and synthetic fabric, but I love the look of this one). I personally don’t like the feel of 100% synthetic rebozos. I recently trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver and she advises against synthetic ones as they can produce static electricity.

    Open weave rebozos lend themselves very well to wrapping. The open weave means that they cup the body really closely, which is great for rocking and massage. When I trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver, she favoured these as well. They are also very grippy which means they stay tucked when wrapped around the body. They are my favourite rebozo for closing the bones. They are also thinner and pack smaller. The open weave can make them prone to pulls, so they are more fragile than closed weave rebozos, but thread pulls are easily pulled back into the weave by tugging on the fabric. For closing the bones I use 2m ones for the head, ribs, legs and feet, and 2.5 m ones for the shoulders and hips as they are the widest part of the body.

     

     

     

    Closed weave rebozos are both beautiful, grippy and sturdy. Most of them are soft straight away (though depending on the weaver some may need more than a wash and some use to soften the fabric, a bit like with a brand new babywearing woven wrap), and the closed weave makes them less prone to pulls and broken threads. They are slightly thicker than open weave rebozos. They are an all round versatile sturdy rebozo, and they make a good baby carrier too (here is a bunch of wrapping tutorials that shows you carries you can do with a 2.5m wrap). They are the kind of rebozo I like to take to a birth because of their sturdiness (this means that I do not worry about them getting damaged). I have one which has supported many births, and it still looks like new. I have these in both the standard and longer length (longer length is useful if supporting a larger or taller woman).

    Most rebozos come in standard length which is around between 1.8 and 2 (plus fringe). I think anything between 2 and 2.5 m/ up to 3mĀ  will work for most people. The longer length can give more versatility.

    An alternative is to use babywearing wraps (shorter ones, 2.5 to 3.5 m, as the standard 4.6m length would be quite cumbersome to use).

    I have stopped selling rebozos online, and I recommend Japjeet’s shop, as she uses the same ethical suppliers I do.Ā 

  • From Tradition to Modernity: Rebozo Techniques and how they support an easier Birth

    From Tradition to Modernity: Rebozo Techniques and how they support an easier Birth

    When I started working as a doula, the majority of births I attended (those of first time mothers in particular) were long and protracted, and often ended in obstetric interventions such as forceps or caesareans. I grew frustrated because the interventions proposed compounded the problem (how exactly was lying on your back with an epidural going to help a malpositioned baby rotate?). This is what led me to learn about rebozo techniques. I attended my first workshop 10 years ago and, being the knowledge junkie that I am, Iā€™ve trained with over 10 different professionals since, most recently with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver.

    Rebozo techniques were developed at a time where obstetric interventions didnā€™t exist, to support change when labour took too long, or when a baby was in a less than optimal position.Ā 

    Rebozo techniques are used to jiggle and rock the body of the mother during pregnancy or labour. They work on a physical, emotional and spiritual level. Physically they soften muscles, ligaments and fascia. This helps the mother manage labour sensations more comfortably, helps the body to be more balanced and open, as well as support the baby and the mother navigate the birth better together.Ā  Emotionally the rebozo techniques provide a much needed sensation of holding and support, as well as helping the mother release stuck energy/emotions that may impact labour progress. Naoli Vinaver talks about ā€œ turning cold stagnant energy into hot flowing energyā€.

    As soon as I started incorporating a combination of rebozo and position techniques during pregnancy andĀ  births, I saw miracles happen. Babies rotated in a more optimal position during pregnancy, often within just one session. Before I saw labours happen slowly, babies turn OP and maternity professionals being adamant that an epidural was needed to prevent the early urge to push Now, a short jiggle of the rebozo on the buttocks, combined with an inversion or open knee chest position, would often change the nature of the contractions so fast that babies were born before any obstetric intervention could be used. I saw women go from a 6cm stall in labour, to birthing their babies within an hour or two.Ā 

    The most beautiful aspect of using the rebozo is that it was easy, that it helped labour feel more comfortable and helped partners feel more confident and supportive too. I saw so many fathers going from being anxious to becoming confident, relaxed and present once they got busy gently rocking a labouring womanā€™s hips. On several occasions, using a rebozo has prevented a hospital transfer from home or the birth centre, and led to a beautiful empowering birth.

    I soon felt compelled to pass on these skills, because what I kept witnessing was just too amazing to keep to myself, and also because people kept asking me to teach it. I started teaching workshops in 2016 and an online course in 2018. I have trained several hundred professionals and parents since.

    The one thing that was missing for me was being able to understand why these rebozo techniques helped so much. None of that information was provided by the people I trained with. I have an insatiable need to know.Ā 

    Luckily I met Cambridge osteopath Teddy Brookes, and did all the techniques on him many times as I was gathering material for teaching, so that I could provide my students with an anatomical explanation of what each technique did to the various joints and organs, and I provide this information to my students.

    My thirst for knowledge is insatiable and Iā€™m always keen to learn more. When I attended Naoli Vinaverā€™s training, I met Shellie Poulter, who is both a doula and trained osteopath. Shellie runs trainings on birth biomechanics. I am deeply grateful to have met her, because I get to enrich my own knowledge, and also share this with you. Shellie and I teamed up to pool our knowledge in a webinar called Biomechanics of rebozo techniques for birth, where Shellie explain how each rebozo technique helps the baby navigate the pelvis more easily.

     

     

  • Do you feel overwhelmed on Monday mornings?

    Do you feel overwhelmed on Monday mornings?

    Every Monday morning, I sit at my desk and feel a sense of overwhelm. Itā€™s odd because I have a job I really enjoy. What happens is that I see the entire week ahead as an enormous task, everything that needs to be done, and I get overwhelmed by it. I see the weekā€™s tasks in my mind as a huge mountain, an Everest sized one. And I have no idea how to get there. It feels so massive and so difficult to do, that I donā€™t want to start.

    Does this sound familiar?

    Last year I realised that I have ADHD. I have most likely had it all my life, however in my case the symptoms didnā€™t become severe until I hit perimenopause. The change in hormones is known to make ADHD symptoms worse. I had a aha moment when I listened to this podcast episode about ADHD and perimenopause, because I recognised myself. This leaflet explains the issue too. One of the symptoms of ADHD is executive dysfunction. It can be explained like this: in neurotypical people, the frontal cortex acts like a friendly butler, reminding you of the tasks you have to do. For example: remember to buy some milk, remember you put your keys there etc.

    In neurodivergent people, the frontal cortex is not running the tasks. Instead, our reptilian brain is controlling things, and acting like an angry neighbour, telling us off for nor remembering things.Ā Another aspect of executive dysfunction is that we have impaired non verbal working memory. This an inability to visualise the future. When a neurotypical person plans to do something, they see the image of what ā€œdoneā€ looks like, and work backwards from there. People with ADHD struggle to do this.Ā 

    In the case of mountain climbing, a neurotypical person would imagine themselves at the top of the mountain, then work backwards towards a lot of small steps of organisation and training. They would start implementing steps etc. In my case, all I can see is the top, and not the steps. I cannot break it down. It applies in many areas of my life. For example Iā€™ve been meaning to declutter my house for years. Itā€™s another typical ADHD thing to dislike clutter whilst also not being able to do the decluttering tasks. I dream of someone doing this for me. I have a huge stock of things I no longer need which I need to move out of my house (for example an 80 plus stock of baby carriers from my babywearing consultant days, my NCT teaching equipment, my doula equipment and large collection of books, and overflowing wardrobe, it goes on and on).

    When I imagine doing the decluttering, I do not know how to start, because it feels overwhelming. Itā€™s a low dopamine task and I donā€™t know how to get started. I also feel that I either need to do it all, or not do it at all. Oddly, if someone does it with me, then I find it easy. And if I do it for someone else, I find it very easy too. This is why I used to love doing housework tasks I normally dread at home, when I was caring for a new mother as a postnatal doula. Iā€™ve long learnt that internal motivation is not something I can muster for tasks that donā€™t excite me. And why all the ā€œjust do thisā€ coming from people who have internal motivation only served to make me feel inadequate. Now I accept and embrace it as much as I can.

    This is why co-working with the app Focusmate has been a life changer for my business. You meet on video with other people around the world, during 25 or 50 min sessions, spend a couple of minutes telling the other person what youā€™re going to do, then work quietly alongside each other. At the end of the session, you spend another couple of minute telling each other how it went.Ā  Some people Iā€™ve co-worked with even use Focusmate to do their morning or evening routine, or to tidy up (itā€™s perhaps not surprising that many neurodivergent people use Focusmate, and this is how I discovered the ADHD for smart ass women group).

    The paradox with us ADHD people is that when we are excited by something (high dopamine tasks) then we can plough through work effortlessly at a speed not achievable by many people. It’s called hyperfocusing. I know this is certainly true for me. This is how I wrote my book in less than 6 months. This is how I create online courses, write blog posts, etc.

    So if you struggle to initiate tasks or get overwhelmed by them, what can you do?

    • Try to pre-plan the following weekā€™s important tasks at the end of the week before, so that you donā€™t have to start with not knowing what to do.
    • Start the day with a little ritual: light a candle, burn some incense or diffuse some essential oils, and set an intention for the week
    • When feeling overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through (in my case this results in more overwhelm and procrastination) address the emotions first: set a timer for 5 minutes (or more, but I find that the short timing is less likely to be met with resistance), and journal, do a short meditation, or movement practise to help move the stuck energy.
    • Try writing : if I could only do 3 things today, and write these things
    • Break down each big tasks in lot of tiny little steps

    If you read this and recognise yourself, I hope it helps. Iā€™d love to hear about your experience.

     

  • How to run a solo heart business without burning out

    How to run a solo heart business without burning out

    I have vivid memories of my first burnout, in 2013. This was my first year as a doula,Ā  and clients came thick and fast (I became recognised for both birth and postnatal work within 10 months). I LOVED every minute of my first year as a doula. It gave me such a sense of fulfilment, that I often cried tears of emotion and gratitude. But I did too much, too fast. Towards the end of the year, I was juggling 3 postnatal clients living 45 min away from each other. I would drive to the first client, then the other in succession, each day. Lunch would be a sandwich eaten whilst driving. I felt physically, emotionally, and (that was new to me) spiritually empty. I had never experienced anything like this before. I called my mentor, and told her about my struggle. My wise mentor explained that, due to the spiritual nature of this work,Ā  I needed to develop new ways of looking after myself. She also explained that I needed to keep some energy for myself, and not give all of myself to my clients. At the time I dismissed her because it felt wrong to me, I didnā€™t know how to do this, and thought that I could either give it all or give nothing.Ā I shared more about this story in a blog post I wrote 7 years ago, called The Refuelling station, the importance of self care for doulas and birthworkers.

    A solo heart business is a business that is driven by passion and a desire to make a positive impact, rather than solely profit-driven. It is possible (and necessary) to grow a business enough to make is sustainable, so that you can keep working, and therefore helping others. Here I share my experience with burnout as a solo heart business owner and offer insights on how to avoid burnout while still running a successful business.

    As my self-employed life grew and evolved, I learnt to balance my needs and those of my clients, and felt that I had found equilibrium. But, naturally, new challenges occurred. Three years later, I found myself in a similar situation. I was busier than ever, working more hours than I wanted to, yet I realised that I wasnā€™t earning as much as I needed to make it sustainable. I felt stuck, and unable to work out the income and needs puzzle. I hired a coach to help me get out of that stuck place. It did work on some level, and certainly did wonders for my visibility, but this coach worked at a level that was too intense for me. So whilst my business grew, I also got more stressed, and felt guilty when I wasnā€™t doing all the social media stuff Iā€™d been recommended to do.Ā 

    There was a defining moment, where I stopped to pick some berries on my way back from a meeting, and I felt guilty that I had stopped, because I felt I ought to be at my desk, working. I knew then that something had to change. I embarked on a process to learn to make space in my life. I used to think that I could only allow myself to relax once I had done all the tasks in my to-do list (but that time never came).Ā  I learnt that I couldnā€™t make more space in my life by working harder. To create space and relaxation, I had to experience what spaciousness felt like, and give myself that experience. This is what led me to start practising year round wild swimming. I wrote about this in my post called getting out of overwhelm.

    Over the years, Iā€™ve spent a lot of time trying to ā€œfixā€ myself and my overwhelm, believing that if I found the right method,Ā  the right tools, my overwhelm and procrastination would go away. I bought countless diaries that promised to fix my woes. Only it never worked, as the pressure, the tension, was inside of me, and no magic technique was going to fix that. If I had been a tree, it was as if I was focusing on pruning tiny branches, when I really needed to look at my roots. I talk about the steps I took towards solving this in my review of 2020.Ā 

    Over the last 3 to 4 years I have taken this further. I have learnt to create to-do lists that create calm instead of stress, and that take into account how much energy and space/time I have. I learnt that I had to put the self care tasks in the diary first, then my family tasks, and only then the work tasks. I go through the same order when I write my Ta-da list at the end of each week.

    Find a support network of people who share your values, a mix of peers and mentors. I have been working with authentic marketing coach and joyful productivity coach George Kao for the last couple of years. I am very grateful for him as heā€™s like a zen master of running oneā€™s business, and because he creates the most amazing community of heart centred business owners. On a recent call, he explained that when working as a solopreneur, it is paramount to keep things sustainable for yourself. He said that heā€™s the only one still going 10 years later, from the group of peers who startedĀ  with him 12 years ago. Thanks to working with George, my business is growing slowly, at a rate of growth that doesn’t feel overwhelming.

    Remember that the most important work isnā€™t to take a course. Anybody can consume a course, because that’s easy. The results do not come from attending a course, they come from applying what you learnt in the course. This takes implementation, effort, time, and continuity. This cannot be done in one day. You need to implement this in tiny little steps, as if training for a marathon instead of a sprint, so you can keep going.

    There are plenty of marketeers and coaches who charge thousands and promise you a 6 figure income in 6 months if you follow their system. In my experience, it doesnā€™t work like that. Each one of us is unique, with a unique set of circumstances. There is no magic, one-size-fits-all recipe, but the time and effort required to build an audience of true fans slowly, authentically, and with integrity.Ā Ā 

    Since running market research and impostor syndrome and soul doula interviews, Iā€™ve been saddened to hear about several new birth workers who got in debt (several thousand pounds on credit cards) when they just started their business, for a very expensive course out of which they got very little value.Ā 

    My two favourite business coaches, George Kao and Leonie Dawson, who are extremely successful individuals, offer courses that cost between 100 to 200 dollars each. Those courses are packed with information. They have also taught me that expensive courses arenā€™t better than cheap ones. The price difference is a marketing decision.

    In summary, here are the principles I like to work with for sustainable business growth:

    • Put the wellbeing tasks in the diary first.
    • Start with an overview of whatā€™s really important instead of getting bogged down in lots of tiny, unimportant tasks. Do a 3 month overview of small ,bullet point goals, then break it down in monthly, then weekly goals. 3 main bullet points for each are enough.
    • Prioritize your passion and purpose, and what makes your heart sing. Stay true to your values.
    • Plan the work week based on whatā€™s important for you and my family, how you want to feel, and how you currently feel. Schedule things accordingly in the diary, rather than letting your clients dictate what your diary looks like.
    • Grow in tiny little do-able steps. Try something new (pick the thing that excites you the most), and see what happens. Only once a step has become easy and regular, add another one.Ā 
    • Be aware of your energy. Plan work accordingly, making space for family tasks that will impact energy levels. Accept that you may have periods of high productivity, followed by low energy periods. On low days, drop all but essential tasks to prioritise rest (I have a lot of resistance to this, but if I donā€™t rest, I pay the price dearly, as I still try to work, achieve nothing, then beat myself up for not working AND not resting. When I give myself the permission to rest, my energy usually recovers very quickly. If you know about human design, I have the 2/4 profile so itā€™s part of who I am to function this way. )
    • Plan small achievable goals, and not over busy your to-do list, so you can build up confidence and a sense of achievement, instead of beating yourself up with not having achieved everything. Things often take longer than you think, and life gets in the way.
    • Have a work day with focused time of around 2 to 4h per day (At the most energetic time for you), keep easier stuff that doesn’t require a lot of brain power for lower energy times.
    • When feeling in a funk, acknowledge it and work with your feelings, instead of trying to plough through and try to flog yourself to be further ahead. Doodle, journal, dance or meditate on it.
    • Try not to compare yourself to others, or get too caught up in external pressures or expectations.
    • Stay true to your passion and purpose, reminding yourself of what makes your heart sing. Try not compare yourself to others, as we are all different.
    • Celebrate the achievements at the end of each week by writing a Ta-Da list.

    To finish, I want to stress that I am far from having all my shit sorted out. Itā€™s a process. Iā€™m un-layering a lot of things, and I know that, as I keep growing, I always will. Over the last year, I learnt that I have ADHD, which explains a lot of things. Learning this has helped me realise that I have spent most of my life being really hard on myself. I am working on being kinder and more compassionate. This feels more important than anything right now. Overall, I feel much happier and more balanced in my life than I have ever been. I want to keep growing my business slowly, from a place of authenticity, integrity and sustainability. I want to be of service to a small audience of people who are really interested in what I have got to offer, and help them grow themselves too.

     

    PS: The illustration above was created using the AI generator Mindjourney. I’ve just started taking George Kao’s course on AI tools for authentic business.

     

  • You know enough. Share it now (How to tame your inner impostor)

    You know enough. Share it now (How to tame your inner impostor)

    Do you have impostor syndrome? Do you worry that you donā€™t know enough, donā€™t do enough, and donā€™t have enough knowledge to share what you feel passionate about yet? Do you feel that you have to get more training, more experience, read more books, listen to more people, and attend more courses, etc before you can finally offer some of your own knowledge to others?

    If this resonates, I empathize, because I used to feel the same way. When I stepped out of biological research and into the world of pregnancy, birth and postpartum, I had huge impostor syndrome. I can still picture how I felt when I went to do my first babywearing consultation in 2010. I went to visit a new mum at her house with a bunch of slings and helped her find a baby carrier that worked for her and her baby.Ā  I spent a couple of hours with her (not counting the time to travel) and only charged Ā£15 for it. She was delighted with the result of the consultation. Yet I worried that it was wrong to charge for it, that I wasnā€™t good enough, etc.

    It didnā€™t even cross my mind to think that had spent well over Ā£1000 in training, equipment and insurance. It didnā€™t occur to me that I had carried both of my children for over 4 years in tens of different styles of baby carriers. It didnā€™t occur to me that Iā€™d been immersed in groups of babywearing professionals and parents both locally and further afield for years. All I could think about was how I felt I wasn’t good enough and it didn’t feel ok to charge for it. I worried my clients would tell me this was a rip-off.

    I felt the same when I taught my first NCT antenatal course in 2010, despite 4 years of training which culminated in a university diploma in antenatal education! I felt the same when I attended my first birth as a doula.

    Thankfully, Iā€™ve been on quite a journey since I wrote my first blog post about impostor syndrome in 2017.

    My underlying fear about not being good enough when offering something new was still there a couple of years ago though. I felt it in February 2020 when I ran my first drum circle. I charged Ā£10 per person and I worried that they would think it was too much and that the circle wasnā€™t good enough for the price!. I spent hours preparing for it. I bought books and read about how to run drum circles; I contacted friends who ran them for advice etc. I wrote a very detailed teaching plan on an excel spreadsheet. Of course the circles were a success and people were absolutely delighted with it.

    The biggest step in my journey to overcome the impostor syndrome happened over the last 18 months because I discovered trainings by empowering business teachers such as Leonie Dawson (I took her course about creating online courses), but most of all, because I started training with Authentic marketing coach George Kao. (for transparency’s sake I want to be honest about the fact that I know have affiliate links with both of them).

    What I learnt from learning from George and Leonie is that I know enough, right now, with my experience as it is, to help others on their journey and make a difference. I donā€™t need to read more, learn more, etc before I offer what I want to offer to others. I am pretty sure that it is true for you too.

    How far I have come became very obvious in September 2021, when I taught a brand new workshop on how to run mother blessings. For the first time in my life I felt confident enough in my experience and knowledge to plan to teach a course without having created the contents first. I booked the date for in person workshop and then wrote the entire course content within the 2 weeks before the course. I was very tempted but I resisted checking out what other people had done or written on the topic (including reading any books).Ā  Every time I felt tempted to check other people’s work, I heard Georgeā€™s voice in my head saying ā€œYou already know enough to really help a lot of peopleā€. Here is an excerpt from his blog post about this topic:

    “Are you hesitant about putting your work out there?Ā 
    What if you get clients that you canā€™t help?Ā 
    What if thereā€™s another course that will finally give you the tools you need?
    If youā€™re saying Yes to any of the above, you are under the illusion that there is an end or final destination to the acquisition of knowledge, skills, and experience.Ā  There isnā€™t. Forever, there will be more knowledge out there that feels like it could be ā€œthe keyā€. Even if you get multiple Ph.D.ā€™s, youā€™ll still feel like you donā€™t know enough.Ā ”

    Thanks to George I was able to write an entire course based on my knowledge and experience alone, as opposed to inspiring myself from other people. And you know what? It felt great! I felt inspired, and amazed by all the knowledge I didnā€™t know I had until I wrote it all down. There was too much to fit within a one day course! I not only created the course content but also a course handout. I felt proud of what I had produced. And, for the first time in my life, I tamed my inner impostor.

    I taught the course at the end of September, and every single one of the seven birthworkers who attended gave me brilliant feedback. They also said they found it hard to believe that it was the first time I taught this course, and one of them who had attended previous training with me even said that this was the best course I had taught yet. I believe this was because this was entirely my knowledge and unique way to teach that imbued the course, and therefore it felt very good and aligned energetically.

    This felt very validating, and it taught me a very valuable lesson. As it was the first time in my life I had created teaching content without anybody elseā€™s input, it made me realize that I want to do this more, and that I want to encourage others to do the same. I structured the course so people could pick and choose activities from the material what they resonated with, rather than following a prescriptive recipe. I have since made this course available as an online course.

    As I reflected I also realized that I always preferred teaching people to things in their own way after training with me.

    It helped me understand that I want everything I teach to be this way from now on. For instance I want to teach an intuitive drum healing course rather than a Reiki Drum course, because teaching from my own unique experience, and sharing this in a way that empowers others to do the same, which is to find their own unique way, is what gives me the most joy. It is also more empowering to my students, as they wonā€™t fear that they are doing it wrong.

    Last year I ran some impostor syndrome mentoring sessions (feel free to contact me if youā€™d like to try one), and I realized that most people are where I used to be. It feels very good to help them overcome this.

    My message to you is: You know enough, right now, as you are, with your life experience, to help others along their path. Even if you only know 10% more than others, you can help them.

    The image I have in my mind is that we are all climbing a big mountain, and the kindest thing we can do is to pull each other up all the way to the top.

    If you do not share what you know, create your course or write your book, or whatever you want to share with the world, people will be missing out of the transformation that your unique knowledge might give them.

    Start sharing now.

    PS: I’ve carried on on my journey since, creating 3 new online courses from scratch, trusting that I will just download what’s in my brain and lived experience, to share with others. The impostor monster still tries to raise its head a little when I think about what I’m planning to offer next, which is completely outside of my previous field (helping others lead from the heart and discover their soul purpose), as it’s the journey I’m on myself, but now I can see it and tame it, which is a big progress from before, when I didn’t even see that it was an illusion.

  • What is closing the bones?

    What is closing the bones?

    Closing the bones is a traditional postpartum massage ritual. It is most known for its Mexican and South American heritage, but versions of it exist on all continents.

    Depending on the culture, a closing the bones ritual involves different elements. There is a massage, done using scarves or with the hands or both, and a ritual tightening of scarves around the body. In some cultures, such as the Mexican, North African, and Russian version, the ritual also includes the use of a steam bath.

    The closing the bones I offer is a blend of Ecuadorian and Mexican traditions, with modifications created together with osteopath Teddy Brookes. The ritual starts with rocking the whole body with rebozos (a type of Mexican shawl), massaging of the abdomen, hips, ribs, chest, and shoulders, followed by more rocking of the pelvis, and finally wrapping the body tightly with 7 rebozos. The video below gives you a taster of what the ritual looks like.

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    In the Mexican version of the ritual, as shown in this video by Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver, the ritual starts with a whole body massage, followed by a steam bath, a period of sudation under lots of blankets, and finally the sequential tightening using rebozos.

    What does closing the bones do?

    Closing the bones is not just a massage, but a specific kind of bodywork designed to help speed up and enhance the healing process and changes that the new motherā€™s body undergoes after her baby has been born. A closing the bones massage helps healing by providing healing movement in the joints, muscles, tissues and fluids. It provides much needed space to simply rest and be and be held, as well as for emotions to be honoured, witnessed and released. Finally, it provides closure, and brings the energy back to the mother.

    Having massaged hundreds of women for over ten years, some as early as 24h post birth, and some as late as 47 years post birth, I know the following: This ritual provides a space for physical nurturing, but also maybe more importantly, holds a space for whatever needs to be expressed, witnessed and released. It is different for every person, depending on what has happened to them. For some it is a joyful honouring, for others it is a space to acknowledge and let go of difficult emotions.Ā 

    I have seen very significant shifts happen in people after it, either physically or emotionally or both.Ā 

    Physical aspects:

    • Very early post birth, it speeds up the healing process. When the uterus is still high in the abdomen and the internal organs are still working their way down in the abdomen, I can feel under my hands how ā€˜openā€™ the new mother is, how everything is shifting.
    • Many women have told me that their hips, or back, or both felt much better, more mobile, comfortable and more ā€˜togetherā€™ after the massage.Ā 
    • It is a very relaxing and nurturing treatment and people look more ā€˜glowyā€™ and relaxed afterwards.
    • Sometimes the level of healing is so powerful it is difficult to believe. Once I massaged someone who had had a caesarean 15 years ago and whose skin had been numb between her pubic bone and belly button since then. The day after the massage, sensation returned to her skin. I have also seen years old diastasis recti (separation of the stomach muscles) disappear after the massage.

    Emotional aspects

    • People often have big emotional releases during the ritual. It helps whatever emotion pain was held to come out.
    • Many times after the massage people tell me that something significant happened in terms of transition: They got their period back for the first time since the birth, they moved their toddler into their own room, they had a big row with their partner which cleared the air etc.

    Spiritual/energetic aspects

    • It can help move energy that is stuck and therefore provide very deep healing. Once a mother told me that she felt the ā€œbrain fogā€ she had had since her toddler was born 2 years ago being lifted after receiving the massage.
    • Once I massaged a mother who was stooped forward since the birth like an old lady and couldnā€™t stand up straight. During the massage she had a big emotional release. Afterwards she could immediately stand up straight again.

    Loss, and baby loss

    • Women have repeatedly told me it was extremely helpful for them to integrate a loss, and particularly for perinatal loss.Ā 

    ā€œI came along to the Closing the Bones Training about a year after my baby had died. Towards the end of the ceremony, as I was being rocked deep shudders started going through my body and as the rebozo was pulled tight around my pelvis I felt a huge emotion that even now I am not sure what to call it. It felt as though the protective bubble I had formed around myself moved away and with that my baby ā€“ as if I was releasing him. Sobs racked my body. All the grief, the anger, the exhaustion, all the disbelief of what had happened came pouring out. I hadnā€™t realised how much I was holding on to. I felt the women form a circle around me and felt what it was like to have a safe space held for me, allowing me to just be there in my wild tumult of emotion. I heard someone singing the most beautiful song and someone stroking my hair, hands touching me sending love and supportā€Ā  Rosie

    • Being the older sister of a stillborn baby and someone who had recurrent miscarriages I have somewhat specialised in giving this ritual after loss. I massaged my own mother, over 40 years after the loss of my baby brother, on the anniversary of his birth, and it was very healing. I wrote a blog about how closing the bones can help after baby loss.

    Not just for new mothers

    • I have given this massage to maidens, to new and not so new mothers, and to crones. I believe it can benefit anyone of any age or gender.

    When is closing the bones done?

    There are variations depending on the culture, but is it usually done within the first 4 to 6 weeks postpartum. The version I learnt is done as soon as possible after the birth, and with straightforward vaginal births, I have done it as soon as 24h post birth, and thatā€™s when I found that it was the most beneficial. However it is never too late and I’ve seen women having very powerful healing experiences with it years after birth.

    What does science says about it?

    As you can imagine and as is the case with much traditional wisdom around the postpartum, there isnā€™t a lot of published research or written words on the subject. In the research for my book I found a couple of pieces of published evidence to back up this process:

    French midwife Juliette Danis, chose to study the subject in her thesis. Juliette used a simple binding around the pelvis, applied the day after the birth for an hour. She used questionnaires to evaluate its effect on pain in the pelvic area on a group of 160 women. 64% of women described an improvement in their pelvic and perineal pain after the treatment. 79 out of 80 of the women who received the binding said they would recommend it. Juliette explains that the care given to the women after the birth using massages or wrapping has a positive effect both physically and psychically, and that it symbolically helps to redraw the contours of the body.Ā 

    Wrapping after the postpartum used to be recommended in the UK too. In the book ā€˜An Introduction To Midwiferyā€™ (Donald 1915) the authors explain in detail how to bind the pelvis and abdomen and says that ā€œThe binder is used merely to give external support to the loose abdominal wall.ā€

    To have some form of validation behind the techniques, I practised the techniques extensively with osteopath Teddy Brookes, who gave me some wonderful insight about the effect of each of the massage mouvements on the various joints and organs, how the body benefits from them, as well as reassurance about how effective and gentle they are.Ā 

    In conclusion

    Closing the bones is a beautiful healing ritual, and the most powerful form of postpartum bodywork I know. I want as many people as possible to know about this. My vision is a world where postpartum bodywork becomes the norm once more, and closing the bones something every new mother expects and receives after birth.

  • Belly binding made easy

    Belly binding made easy

    When you think about belly binding after birth, what pops into your mind? Do you see a long thin cloth wrapped many times in a complex way around the abdomen? Do you imagine something complex that takes a long time to learn? Do you believe that there is a ā€œrightā€ way to do it, and that you donā€™t know how to do that, and therefore cannot help others? Do you believe that it could be damaging?

    I used to believe this myself, Iā€™ve lost count of how many times people have asked me if the type of binding described above is the ā€œbestā€ kind of binding. Iā€™ve also helped many new mothers who were gifted such a long cloth and didnā€™t use it because they didnā€™t know how to, to learn that binding can be really simple.

    Belly binding, or postnatal wrapping as I like to call it, is the process of using a piece of fabric, a wrap or belt, to support the abdomen, or pelvis, or both, during the postpartum. It is a worldwide practice, even though it has fallen out of fashion in the Western world.

    I first learnt to wrap myself 10 years ago. As I offered it to my clients, and later started to teach it, I saw how much women, regardless of age, or whether postpartum or not, loved it. it became so present in my life that I started using it for myself at different times, such as when I was on my period, or when I was teaching, and I realised how comforting it was.

    I still had a misguided belief that it would not be helpful during the postpartum because my grandmother wore a corset and it made her muscles weak. My osteopath reassured me that it was safe to use mindfully for a few weeks during the postpartum. The research I did for my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters, led me to discover how universal it was, including finding references to it in old British and French midwifery and medical books.

    Wrapping the abdomen and hips during the postpartum is very beneficial because it provides much needed nurturing support.. Physically, wrapping provides support to unstable joints and muscles, as well as comfort and warmth. Emotionally, it brings us back to our bodies and provides a sense of being contained. Energetically and spiritually, it also helps us come back to ourselves.

    I want to demystify the process and help you see that it really is simple.Ā 

    Wrapping tools fall into 3 categories:Ā 

    • Scarves (such as rebozos, pashminas, babywearing wraps, and other pieces of cloth)
    • Velcro wraps and belts (such as belly wraps and sacroiliac belts)
    • Items of clothing (such as Haramakis, support underwear and support leggings)

    Some methods are super easy (you already know how to put on clothing šŸ˜‰ ) and some methods (wrapping a long cloth around yourself) require a bit more practise and skills.

    Wrapping is like choosing a pair of jeans, so there is no ā€œrightā€ tool, just a range of tools to choose from. Itā€™s very much like choosing a baby carrier: some people prefer wraps, and some prefer more structured carriers. If you are someone who wants to help new mothers choose a method of wrapping, knowing this removes theĀ  pressure to get it right, or find the ā€œbestā€ method of wrapping. All you need to do is offer a range of wrapping options to choose from and let them decide what feels good. How liberating is this?

    Read more, including tutorials, research and links to various wrapping tools in my blog post The Lost Art of Postnatal Wrapping.

    If you would like to learn how to offer wrapping to new mothers and feel confident in using all the tools described above, checkout my new online course, The Art and Science of Postpartum Wrapping.

     

  • Dancing with chaos: my review of 2022

    Dancing with chaos: my review of 2022

    Every year I write a post where I review my year. It is a form of journaling exercise. I realised several years ago that I write deeper stuff if I plan to share it. The exercise has several purposes for me: to give me a deep reflective experience, to give me a chance to review and celebrate my achievements (because I tend to focus only on what Iā€™m not doing otherwise), and finally, to share experiences and stories in the hope that it might resonate, and help my readers feel supported, gain insight and support growth. I also feel that sharing tough stuff can help others feel less lonely. I know that many of us, myself included, have a tendency to believe that others have got their shit together and that we are the only ones struggling, but this is simply not true.

    This is a long and tough read. You might want to make yourself a hot drink and set aside 10 minutes to read and digest it.

    2022 has been a year of extreme challenges and painful growth for me.

    The challenges

    Iā€™m really glad this year is over. Itā€™s been a year of immense transformation and growth but itā€™s been hard. Really hard. As psychologist Naomi Holdt explained:

    ā€œNo one I know began this year on a full tank.Ā  Given the vicious onslaught of the previous two yearsĀ  (letā€™s just call it what it was) most of us dragged ourselves across the finish line of 2021ā€¦ frazzled, spent, running on aged adrenaline fumesā€¦We crawled into 2022 still carrying shock, trauma, grief, heaviness, disbeliefā€¦ The memories of a surreal existenceā€¦ā€ (read the whole post here).

    The biggest theme for me in 2022 was having to adapt to a constant level of change and challenges and struggle to adapt and balance my needs, the needs of my family, and my work. All year long, I felt that I was dancing with chaos.

    Iā€™m going to share about whatā€™s been happening in my family first because that has been the most prominent thing for the year.

    The last couple of years were extra hard for my family, because my youngest child suffered from increasingly severe anxiety and mental health challenges. In February 2022, my youngest was diagnosed with ASD (Austism Spectrum Disorder). I felt both relieved and upset when I heard the clinical psychologist give the diagnosis. Relieved because school had been treating us like we were making a big deal out of nothing. I did wonder at first whether spending so much money on a private diagnosis would be worth it, but as I discovered, you only get taken seriously once your experiences are ratified by a health professional.

    After the diagnosis, we started the epic fight with the education and health systems in order to get the support we needed. This fight has made my doula fights with maternity care feel like a Disney movie in comparison. The school not only did nothing to help, but also threatened us with fines for non attendance. As we felt powerless through lack of specialist knowledge, we hired a private SEND practitioner, Laura, to support us. I call her a SEND doula. Thanks to her intervention (very similar to doula support in terms of reminding people of their rights and quoting the law at the system) from March onwards, the school paid for private tutors to provide education at home.Ā 

    Supported by Laura, we started the process of applying for an EHCP. An EHCP, also known as Education, Health and Care plan, is a legal document which describes a child or young personā€™s special educational needs, the support they need, and the outcomes they would like to achieve. This document is supposed to get the local authority (LA) to pay for specialist support or provision. As the government has been underfunding education as well as healthcare for many years, the LA simply doesnā€™t have enough money to support all the SEND children in the area, the local authority does everything they can to make parents fail their EHCP application, or to downplay the issues. We started writing the application in March, submitted it in August, and got our first draft application early December. I spent over 30h (including 5h in meetings with my SEND advocate), to make sure all deliberate mistakes and omissions in the document had been corrected.Ā 

    I have a PhD, I am lucky to be able to afford the support of a private advocate. I am also self-employed and therefore able to take the time off to focus on getting this done. I have the support of a husband who is employed and has a salary. Yet I still found this process extremely challenging and difficult. It was like being buried in paperwork, as well as learning to navigate something you know nothing about. I am so angry when I think about what it must feel like for less privileged parents.

    My advocate tells me that we may have to take the LA to tribunal. A recent article shows that the LA decision was only upheld in 3.7% of tribunal cases, which means that it was found in over 96% of them that the LA had acted unlawfully. But tribunals take time (many months), and LA saves money this way by not having to pay for what a SEN child needs to attend education whilst they wait for the appeal.Ā 

    The fight is nowhere near finished, but at least I managed to get this mammoth task done, and this meant that I could rest during the holiday season, ready to taking the fight back on in January (Iā€™ve now just finished reviewing the second draft, and expecting the final document any day).

    Alongside this process, I visited many specialist schools, and after a lot of heartache, thankfully found an amazing small school that feels perfect. We were able to access it because I had put us on the waiting list a year before. As you can imagine all of these schools are massively over subscribed. After visits and try-out sessions, this school offered us a place, pending government funding. This is for a child who started to be unable to function in mainstream secondary school in early 2021. This is how long it has taken, and this isnā€™t finished yet. The place isn’t until next September.

    Now the battle is to get the funding, as this school isnā€™t cheap (22k a year). At first I thought this sum was mind blowing and that there was no way we’d get it funding. However, whilst researching other specialist schools locally, I realised that some of them cost as much as 66k per year!

    As well as battling the education, things got bad enough for my childā€™s mental health to finally get a CAMH referral, something we had been asking for 2 years. The hardest part when things got really bad was discovering that we had nowhere else to go, as even private psychiatrists who charge eye watering amounts of money, had weeks or months long waiting lists. Despite the referral being successful, we waited for so long for it to be actioned, that I had to write several strongly worded complaints to get the support we needed.Ā 

    Since September we have been under the care of 3 different CAMH teams. There has been an average of 4 to 5 medical appointments every week. Managing this, alongside the private tutors, the paperwork, the constant chasing and complaints, has felt more than a full time job.

    The enormous amount of time and energy I put behind this, however, is paying off, and things are improving slowly and I am cautiously hopeful.

    We also got a puppy in February in February 2022, as part of a process to support my childā€™s wellbeing, as she reacts very positively to animals. She had been begging for a dog for years, but it wasnā€™t possible with the unpredictable nature of being on-call. I hadnā€™t realised how much hard work raising a puppy would be. It is quite similar to having a new baby, and I blogged about it here. Whilst the dog added a lot of joy to our lives, it also added a lot of stress which made an already challenging family life harder. The dog is now 1 and a lot calmer and easier to manage, and he is proving to provide a lot of calming and grounding presence, as well as joy for the whole family.

    I feel that the theme for the entire year was teaching me to become comfortable with the unpredictable.

    My own challenges

    Itā€™s perhaps no surprise that I have found this year extremely tough. For most of the year, I struggled with a sense of overwhelm, where even the simplest tasks felt insurmountable. By the Autumn my mental health was in tatters. To top it all up, in November we all got very ill with the dreaded virus, and I ended up having to care for my family whilst being very unwell myself. It really brought home the idea that itā€™s not just postpartum women who struggle in the absence of community support, itā€™s all of us.

    Hitting rock bottom meant that one can only go up. It was then that I realised that I needed the kind of help that the NHS simply couldnā€™t offer (all my GP offered was antidepressants, and they really didnā€™t agree with me), I started taking matters into my own hands.Ā 

    The things Iā€™m grateful for

    At some point in 2022 amidst the challenges I started saying that my child was my guru. If you have ever read the book The Conscious Parent by Dr Shefali Tsabary, youā€™ll know all about the amazing stories about how our children challenge our beliefs and make us grow. It was because of my childā€™s ASD diagnosis that I discovered that I have ADHD (more on that later), then that my other child has it too, as well as likely being ASD, (and Iā€™m also certain that my husband is ASD too). It has meant another fight to tryĀ  and get myself and my son diagnosed (I am doing it through the right to choose route, which is supposed to be quicker than the two year NHS waiting list). My childā€™s ASD diagnosis ignited a discovery journey on understanding neurodivergence, and meeting people I never knew existed. The knowledge acquired supporting my daughter meant that I knew who to approach to help my son, and what to ask for from the onset. Thankfully, my sonā€™s school has been a lot more supportive and immediately put some support in place for him without having to wait for the diagnosis.Ā 

    Mostly, the way I see it, my daughterā€™s ASD has been a gift.Ā  After I discovered my ADHD, I read a lot, talked to people, and joined groups, as well as trying various supplements and medication. I am very grateful for discovering this side of myself, because it means that I have been able to understand myself better, and become kinder to myself. I used to beat myself up about not doing enough and procrastinating, but now I understand a lot more about how my brain works and why certain tasks are harder to do for me than for neurotypicals. Many of you have told me they found my sharing helpful so I plan to share more about my ADHD journey.

    I hit an all time low in October, and after trying and hating antidepressants, I started microdosing with a plant medicine. Within a week I started to feel hope, and at times some tiny moments of joy again.

    In the Autumn, I started working with The Aspie Coach, who specialises in supporting neurodivergent families, and I have found working with her both supportive and transformative. It means that not only am I kinder to myself, but also able to understand a lot more about the dynamics in my family, and manage things better.

    I embarked on a course called Doodle your Emotions, and I loved this so much I am now enrolled on the year long course. You may have seen my doodles on social media. They work better for me than journaling. I find the drawing process both fun and healing, therefore it makes doing it pleasurable and fun, as well as giving me a unique chance to look at whatā€™s going on in my head. It makes me feel like I am my own therapist. I have also realised that I can use it to draw peopleā€™s energy, combining my Reiki and energy work training with art. I may be offering a handful of sessions to try out a new process where I draw your energy as you bring something that is bothering you to the table.Ā 

    Here are some doodle showing the main emotions I felt in 2022

    My husband and I had two family constellations sessions. Family constellation is something that a therapist uses in order to gain insight and information into a clientā€™s family history, dynamics, and possible dysfunctional patterns. I have worked with this modality since 2019 and found it mind-blowingly powerful. After the second session, combined with the doodling work, the plant medicine, and bringing what was unearthed to my coach, I finally felt that the very heavy burden I had been carrying all year was put down, and the relief was immense.Ā 

    Here are some doodles representing my feelings then

    Finally, this year is also the first time in my life where I am in a community of people who do not shy away from you when you go through hard times. It is also the first community where how much I give is really seen and returned in spades. In the autumn my friends organised a healing intervention for me, giving me the rebozo wrapping ritual I had taught them and I felt incredibly loved and supported. It was a defining moment for me, learning to receive (and realise how difficult this had been until now for me). I talk about this in my blog post ADHD and the kindness boomerang.

    When I was ill at the end of the year, I reached out to those friends for help. It felt vulnerable to do this, but I couldnā€™t leave the house and didnā€™t even have enough energy cook, and my kids and husband were in bed. This brought home a new dimension to understanding the message in my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters, where I explain that asking for help in the postpartum isn’t a weakness. My friends were just amazing. One took my dog for a week, another delivered me homemade soup and stew, and many friends offered similar help. It really warmed my heart in a dark time.

    In 2022 despite the challenges I kept my weekly practises of shamanic drumming at dawn in the woods, wild swimming, and 5 rhythm dancing. Whilst I wasn’t always feeling it, these kept me grounded amidst the chaos.

    My work

    This hasnā€™t been a mild year workwise either, because there have been so many changes, and fluctuations, and I have struggled to be comfortable with that. And, as you can imagine after reading the above, most of my time and energy have been directed towards my family.

    In April I attended my last birth as a doula after 10 years working in this role. The decision to stop this work was mostly driven by an inner knowing that I was no longer meant to do this, and that until I stopped I wouldnā€™t be able to fulfil my new calling. My new calling is to help people lead from the heart instead of the mind, and look out for new offerings from me as this unfolds. Other factors impacted the decision to leave : the pandemic had made this demanding job even harder, the level of fight required to support women in a broken system was harming me, and the difficult circumstances in my family made the demands of being on-call too stressful. I wrote a long blog post about why I decided to leave doulaing behind.

    After I stopped working as a doula, rather than feeling relieved, I felt a lack of direction and a sense of loss. I entered what I called the blank slate stage, or the void, and I shared several blog posts about how I felt throughout the year. I felt like Indiana Jones in the Quest for the Holy Grail, having to take a leap of faith and step over the void for the bridge to appear. Thankfully, having been there before, I was able to recognise the process for what it was. This doesnā€™t mean that it wasnā€™t uncomfortable, but at least it gave me a sense of acceptance.

    Despite all this, amazingly I still managed to keep my business afloat. Apart from towards the end of November when the illness combined with the EHCP review process meant that I had to drop the ball completely. Until I wrote stuff down, in my mind 2022 felt that I had not done much work wise. Yet I achieved the following:

    • I earned a similar amount of money as the previous tax year
    • I launched 3 new online courses, bringing the number of courses I offer to 5. I now have over 500 students from 10 different countries, and the feedback is amazing.
    • Held 5 free webinars, attended by around 100 people or more each
    • I published 40 blog posts and over 200 posts on social media.
    • I was interviewed for several podcasts and instagram lives, asked to train NHS midwives, and invited to lead sessions in other peopleā€™s courses
    • My book was published in German.
    • One of my videos on Youtube had 13k views.

    A lot of this success was due to having worked with authentic marketing coach George Kao and learn to create something that feels both true and sustainable.

    Before 2020 my main source of income was face to face workshops, which I loved but it meant a lot of energy, travelling, and time away from home and my family. My 52 year old self craves a quieter life. Creating online courses not only means that I can do what I love the most, which is sharing empowering knowledge with others, it offers transformation to professionals and the families they serve, and most importantly it means that it frees up my time to create more content, articles, and courses to share.

    In 2022 my biggest business lesson was discovering that I do not have to hustle or work every hour of the day to earn a living. As an ADHD person I tend to focus only on what Iā€™m not doing and beat myself up constantly about this. Writing achievement lists is something I need to do to counter that. I write a Ta-Da list at the end of each week to help reset my mind. Even before writing the list above I kind of felt that I hadnā€™t done much in 2022.

    In conclusion

    2022 was a year of intense discomfort and tremendous personal growth for me. But is growth ever comfortable? As a wise mentor once told me, if it was comfortable, you would stay where you are.

    I like to choose a word for the year. If youā€™d like to have your own word of the year for 2023, I love healer Rebecca Wrightā€™s Word of the year guided journey.Ā 

    My word for the year in 2022 was opening. This year Iā€™ve chosen a word for the year which is a quality that Iā€™d like to embody. In a session with my coach in December 2022 I had a sense that I had been having a tight ball of control where my heart is. Releasing it gave me a felt sense of what it feels like to be expansive and limitless. I want to embody this feeling and state of being in 2023, so my word for this year is Expansion.Ā