Last year nearly broke me. Join me as I reflect on an epic battle for my child, my own mental health hurdles and ADHD discovery, and how making a drum unlocked deep healing, purpose and exciting new ventures. This is a story of overcoming obstacles through surrender and belief in my ability to steer lifeās challenges into growth and meaning. From family struggles to launching a podcast and book, Iām opening up about my most challenging and transformative year yet. If youāve ever felt lost or close to giving up, only to discover youāre far more powerful than you realised, this oneās for you.
When I look back at 2023, I feel mostly glad that the year is over and that I’m starting anew. Last year carried a lot of discomfort for me. It was healing but also painful. The coming year feels much more hopeful – it really has a new beginning feel. There were many positive things for me and my family in 2023, but mostly, because things had improved so much from where we were, I found myself grieving and finally processing the hard challenges I’d had to cope with in the previous couple of years.
My family/personal life:
2023 started on a dark note for me as my youngest child was still struggling with severe mental health issues, hadnāt been in school for 18 months, and had anxiety so severe they could barely leave the house. Early in the year I battled the local authority to secure funding (EHCP) for the small, holistic specialist school I knew was the only right fit, and key for recovery and healing. It was an epic fight. I had a private advocate’s help but it took months of paperwork, assessments, school visits, report writing and constant chasing. The underfunded, understaffed medical and education systems threw up roadblocks at every turn, but after nearly 18 months we won.Ā It was worth the battle, and Iād do it all over again for my child, but I found it physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and soul crushing. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year (more on that later), and one of the issues with ADHD is finding tedious admin tasks REALLY difficult to do. If you want a flavour of what I experienced, read this graphic story about a mother battling getting support for her child with ADHD. It describes the French system but itās very similar to my experience.
When the letter came a few weeks later saying we had been successful, I thought I would feel elated, but instead, I felt war torn and weary, like had been a warrior for a long time, and I was finally putting down my armour, sword and shield. I felt exhausted. I booked a much needed family holiday to celebrate, and to act as a transition before my child started in the new school.Ā But then I got a kidney stone, spent an awful night in A&E begging for pain relief, fainted and gave myself a concussion. Rather than the holiday I’d planned, I spent a week in bed, wallowing in self-pity.
In April my child started the new school, which was nurturing and supportive beyond my hopes. Three months in, my once housebound child happily went on a residential school trip. I also successfully applied for Disability Living Allowance, which opened up benefits that made attending certain events less stressful for my child. Over the last 3 years I’ve worked with therapists and coaches to stay regulated despite my child’s mental health crises, which used to unravel me. Recently, as my child had an anxiety attack on an outing, I was able to help her re-regulate in minutes. My own regulation was key.
After the school win, I collapsed, my body giving out after so much chronic stress and survival mode. My health crashed. I was only up for walking my dog and resting and my mood was terrible. My coach invited me for a free restorative yoga session, reminding me my nervous system was fried. She helped me realise that, while perimenopause played a role, there was a lot more going on. Though I’d sworn off medications, she explained that I could try HRT without committing long-term.Ā I also reached out to holistic menopause mentor Kate Codrington, who shared that some of her clients used HRT to give themselves the space they need to get more holistic practices in place. Shortly afterwards, I started HRT, and within a couple of weeksĀ I noticed a huge difference in my mood, energy and sleep. Whereas before I felt crippled with anxiety, woke up several times a night with night sweats (which would then trigger anxiety that would keep me awake), and felt completely exhausted, I started sleeping better, feeling calmer and more positive, and having more energy. From that calmer vantage point I was able to look at my life and start putting more positive steps in place.
I also got an ADHD diagnosis, which explained my paralysis around boring tasks, but hyperfocus when excited. With support, I applied for and secured an Access to Work grant for coaching, decluttering help and more. With all this support in place, Iām sure that my life and business are going to improve massively this year. Getting my older child assessed for ADHD and autism was also a big step. We await the final diagnosis this month.
ADHD is a paradoxical beast. When I get excited about something, my productivity is off the scale (I wrote my first book in 6 months, and wait until you read my work achievements below), and I finally understand why people keep asking me how I do all these things. Whilst exciting things are effortless, boring or difficult tasks can feel insurmountable, and I can procrastinate for months on end, whilst constantly thinking about the task Iām not doing and beating myself up about it.
My work life in 2023:
From mid-2022 to March 2023 I had to pause my work to support my child and attend constant medical appointments and tutoring. But with my online courses ticking over, I still managed to keep my business afloat.
When my child restarted school after so long, I found myself having more time to dedicate to my business again. I had stopped working as a doula a year before, and I felt frustrated that the next ācallingā wasnāt still showing itself. Looking back I can see that there just wasnāt the space in my life for it before. But now that space was available I grew impatient and frustrated. Kanan helped me get out of this stuckness by reminding me that often we donāt know what works until we try. She asked me what would excite me and I said teaching drumming to support birth, but I worried this was too niche.Ā
In a bid to get myself space to heal and spend time in nature doing stuff I loved, I booked onto Melonie Syrett (aka The Drum Woman) sacred women drum circle facilitator training. I booked this for myself as a retreat because I knew that spending 4 days immersed in sacred work on the land, in peace, away from the hustle and bustle and needs for daily life, would do me a lot of good. The training delivered this and more. I spent 4 days camping at the Clophill Centre, immersed in nature. The weather was glorious and we spent our time inside an roundhouse, or in the woods or meadows. It was everything I had hoped for and more. My nervous system calmed right down.Ā It was very healing.
During the training I made a beautiful drum, created with the intention to lead drum circles. When you make a drum it carries the medicine of what you went through when you crafted it. We spent time with each hide asking it if it was the right one for our drum. When it came to the lacing, she explained that those of us who liked things to be perfect could consider making a messy drum. I remember thinking: I donāt want my drum to be messy! But my hide had other ideas. I hadnāt realised how hard it would be to work with horse hide. As the hide was so thick, I had to keep cutting bigger holes for the lacing and then passing the lacing through them was very time consuming. By the time most people had finished their drum, I was only a quarter of the way through with mine. We worked inside a marquee and it was 30 degrees outside and I was sweating profusely. I found it challenging and uncomfortable. In the end I had to finish my drum alone in the evening,Ā 3h behind everyone else. But I wouldnāt stop or give up until I was done. My tenacityĀ making this drum was the same quality I had used through the fight to get my child support. In the making of this drum I also had to let go of control and surrender to some aspects of it that didnāt fit with my original plan. This was another deep lesson I had over the last couple of years, to learn to surrender, when before my default setting was to try and control everything when things got difficult.
When my new drum was dry and ready to play a few days later, I did a guided journey to meet his spirit. He told me that its name was mountain rider and that its medicine was to help overcome obstacles. The drumās medicine kicked things into hyperdrive. I offered a free webinar about drumming for birth and 100 people signed up. I then decided to offer a course to teach people how to drum during birth.Ā When I started researching the topic of drumming and birth I realised that almost nobody had written about this. This made me incredibly excited because I am a pioneer at heart and there I was in really new territory, and one that also made use of my science and spirituality bridging gift.Ā
I was contacted by the International journal of birth and parent education (IJBPE) to write an article about drumming and birth. This was the first time in history that something about this topic was published in a scientific journal. I taught a group of women from 6 different countries how to use the drum to support birth. I wrote 6 blog posts about drumming. I made a drum from amniotic membranes. I ran drum circles and wrote case studies for my course, reflecting and refining my skills and gaining appreciation for what I did.
I decided to write a book about drumming and supporting women through life transitions, approached a new publisher, wrote 6 chapters in a month to meet the submission deadline, and the project was accepted. I started a podcast, The Wisdom Messenger, to share the wisdom of trailblazing women bridging science and spiritual knowledge. I gave a talk about the science of drumming at the first convention of women drummers and makers. I also wrote another article about drumming and birth for the Green Parent magazine, which is coming out this month, and I’m leading a drum journey workshop at the IJBPE conference in April.
Beside the above, in 2023 I also:
- I kept my business going and whilst my income dropped a little, it was still steady
- I launched a new online course about drumming for birth, bringing my total number of courses to 6.Ā
- Over 100 new students joined my courses, bringing my total number of students to nearly 800, from 30 different countries.Ā
- I ran 3 in person courses (including a rebozo course for NHS midwives)
- I taught 4 webinars, the most popular one was attended over 200 people
- I ran monthly drum circles
- I did 20 individual healing sessions (Reiki, Drumming, Closing the bones)
- I supported 3 births (Iām not a doula anymore but when people get in touch for help or friends give birth, I simply cannot leave them without support)
- I published 25 blog posts and over 200 posts on social media.
- I was interviewed on several podcasts, and invited to lead sessions in other peopleās courses
- I started reviewing the French translation of my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, which is being published this year.
A lot of this success was due to having worked with authentic marketing coach George Kao.
My spiritual/healing/growth work:
Falling apart starts a death and rebirth process, where we rebuild from the ashes. This has been true for me. The pain provoked proportional healing and growth. My need to understand and better myself continued. I worked with a neurodivergent coach for 9 months and also had human design and MAP sessions. I tried some talking therapies but found the Western approach too cognitive and rushed. A more integrative, somatic approach resonates more.Ā I continued microdosing plant medicine. It helps me identify and change unhelpful thought patterns.Ā
I carried on with my weekly dawn woods drum circles with my 2 drum sisters. This feels very sacred and the space for deep sharing afterwards is precious.Ā As a friend who shared her drum story with me said āDrumming is like church, but betterā. Deepening my nature connection through year-round cold water swimming, daily dog walks and wheel of the year ceremonies brought me grounding and joy.Ā
I listened to countless audiobooks and podcasts about growth. Some of my favourite books were:
- How to be the love you seek by Nicole LePera
- Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
- Radical Wholeness by Philip Shepherd
- Entangled life by Merlin Sheldrake
- The soul of money by Lynne Twist
- How to keep house whilst drowning by KC Davies
- Your brainās not broken by Tamara Rosier
In conclusion
This has been an uncomfortable year, and also one of tremendous learning and growth. This is the year where I have started healing from the challenges I had in previous years, the beginning of a journey into becoming a happier, more whole self.Ā 2024 truly feels like a new beginning for me, a year where I can really focus on growing myself, growing my business and helping others do the same.
My word of the year for 2022 was Expansion (in last yearās blog post there is a link for a word of the year meditation). My word for the year in 2024 is Guidance.
Someone shared this poem with me at a retreat last week and it feels apt:
For a New Beginning
by John OāDonohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your lifeās desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
With this in mind, what better first guest could I have asked for than