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Sophie Messager

Author: Sophie Messager

  • Authentic Outreach: How to Connect With Potential Clients Without an Agenda

    Authentic Outreach: How to Connect With Potential Clients Without an Agenda

    A few years ago, I was struggling to grow my business and suffering from burnout. I thought I needed to be manipulative with my marketing in order to be successful and it felt so at odd with my values I just couldn’t do it. I spent time learning manipulative marketing tactics and how to persuade potential clients into buying my services. Things like funnels and opt-ins. “Free” stuff in return for people giving you their details. False discounts by claiming the products you offered were worth more than they actually did….

    But it never felt right. Whenever I reached the selling part in a share, it felt inauthentic and I dreaded  doing it.

    I started researching how different coaches and consultants attracted clients without being salesy or pushy.

    Working with authentic business coach George Kao, I earnt that  marketing did not have to be yucky. This cut a long story short, what I learnt was that I did not have to be manipulative to sell. It was a revelation and a relief, and it completely transformed the way I run my business.

    This week I’m learning that reaching out to potential customers is just the same. I’m working with business coach Caroline Leon, and she is encouraging us to connect for connection’s sake. She calls it authentic outreach.

    Caroline says 

    “Because the idea of “networking” is as old as time, plenty of people get that having good connections is good for business, but when connections come from a place of trying to get business rather than aiming to build genuine relationships, it can feel completely off to the recipient and can destroy or damage any chances of a relationship developing.”

    I feel the same energy of liberation, of breathing out, feeling that some heavy burden has been lifted that I felt when I learnt to be authentic in my marketing. And, as I did with the marketing, I’m realising that I’m doing that anyway, that I was already doing the connecting, I just did not know it counted as a good business practice.

    We’ve all had these messages from people who had only contacting us under false pretence only to try and sell us services or products.  It does not feel good does it? For me on social media it’s an immediate strike if someone does this. I’m not interested in talking to them. If they cannot be bothered to know who I am, why should I give them my precious time and energy?

    So how do you reach out to potential clients authentically?

    The key is to turn the process on its head. Don’t reach people to try to get something out of them, or even with the end goal of trying to sell them services or products, reach out for reaching’s sake. To connect with fellow humans. To express gratitude. To be helpful. For the simple joy of it. 

    In this short video, coach John P Morgan explains how to do this beautifully (using beautiful fairy lights!) : 

    • Having self-interest as part of your intention while connecting with human beings makes connecting more difficult. 
    • Your ability to connect with human beings is inversely proportional to your desire to acquire from them. 
    • When you are trying to ‘connect with potential clients’, you are inadvertently carrying a desire to acquire and thus making it difficult for yourself. 
    • You already know how to connect with people and you do it well when there is nothing you want from them. 

    To practise connecting authentically, what can you do?

    Make a list of people (say 20) to connect with. This list can contain the following kind of people:

    • Friends
    • Family members
    • Colleagues/former colleagues
    • Clients/students
    • Former clients/students
    • Audience members
    • Newsletter subscribers
    • Peers
    • Mentors/teachers
    • People you admire (yes, even famous people appreciate receiving gratitude for their work as very few people take the time to do so, and it’s always nice to feel that you make a difference)

    Look at old lists of clients, friends, your audience, who comments on your posts on social media, how reads your newsletter, who reaches out.

    When looking at the list, notice who lights you up and who you’d like to get in touch with (even if it’s been a long time).

    tip: I write the list AND send the messages at the same time because it works better that way for me.

    How do you reach out?

    Be genuine. Write simple but authentic messages of connection. Mention that you thought about them and wondered how they were doing. Mention a memory or something that made you think about them, or something they did or shared that you feel grateful for. Don’t over complicate or over think it.

    What do you use to reach out?

    Email, social media, texts, voice notes, whatever, it doesn’t matter. The intention and the practice is more important than the method.

    What might happen

    When you start this process, you may notice that it feels unnatural and hard at first, like pushing water uphill. 

    I’m quite new to it myself, but I’ve noticed that, very quickly beyond the inertia and discomfort, once I got going it started to have momentum. Not only does it became more natural and easy but it gives me a good fizzy feeling inside and a glow, to connect with people I appreciate and love. 

    And as if by magic, several people I haven’t actually contacted are also reaching out. There is a saying that what you focus on expands, and being in that energy of giving and receiving is very helpful and beautiful.

    Let me know what you think of this, and if you try, or have tried it, it I’d love to hear about your experience.

  • ADHD hacks: the tricks I use to overcome procrastination and actually get sh*t done

    ADHD hacks: the tricks I use to overcome procrastination and actually get sh*t done

    Since I got diagnosed with ADHD last year, one of the most positive aspects is that I’ve stopped beating myself up about certain things I’ve never been good at. For example, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot function at my best without external accountability.

    How I create accountability for myself

    When I work for clients it’s easy. I love to help people and to be of service. To help someone I can research things endlessly, and it feels both purposeful and effortless. However, making things happen in my business on a day to day basis, in particular back of house stuff like updating my website, or endless admin tasks, is very difficult for me to do. I procrastinate often, and the undone tasks weigh on my mind.

    Over the last few years, I’ve learnt to create external deadlines for serving people. For example, I regularly create webinars or courses, then I’m in the energy of service and it makes everything much easier to do, even doing the many admin tasks that go with it.

    But I cannot create this for myself every single day. However, since exploring what ADHD is about, I learnt why body doubling is extremely helpful for neurodivergent people to overcome getting challenging tasks done.

    Using body doubling/co-working apps

    For the last 3 years I have used Focusmate, a coworking app that connects you via video to people across the world, where you spend a couple of minutes speaking your intentions for the session, and then co-working silently whilst remaining on video, so you have external accountability. Business mentor George Kao introduced me to this app in 2021. I was sceptical at first, but I tried the free 3 sessions per week, and it made such a difference to my work that week that I immediately signed up (it’s only about $5 a month).  I’ve been using it ever since, and my review of 2023 from the app tells me that I did 233 sessions with 210 partners from 41 different countries. I’ve met some pretty cool people in the process too.

    Focusmate explains how it works:

    “Body doubling is working on any task with another person present, without them participating in your task. The presence (in real life or virtual) of another person who is also trying to focus on their own task helps you stay on track and get things done. Additionally, it boosts your motivation, making the task at hand more enjoyable and achievable.”

    In late 2023 I was awarded an Access to work Grant, which is a government grant to support people with disabilities (more on that in a different post). As part of my grant I got introduced to another co-working app called Flown. When it was suggested by the disability agency supporting me through my grant application, I did not see the point at first as I was getting on really well with Focusmate. However, I decided to give it a try and I’m really glad I did. Flown is a completely different ball game, because the sessions are group based and facilitated by paid facilitators. And contrary to Focusmate which only offers 25 or 50 min focus sessions, Flown has sessions ranging from 30 min to 2h. I like the 2h session, and often use 2 of these in the morning, which is my best time to focus on deep work. There also seems to be more Europeans on Flown, because it’s based in the UK, which means more sessions available when I prefer to work.

    Flown is more expensive than Focusmate, but it’s soo worth it. Last week I attended a review of the month for January within the app. Within an hour, I’d reviewed January AND planned what I needed to do in February, and it was super easy and fun. I’ve always had resistance to doing this, and in the past I used to pay £50 a month to be within a group where a similar session was facilitated. 

    Flown costs from £20 a month (£15 if you pay yearly, and you can even get lifetime membership which is what I got). You can try it for a month for free, and if you choose to join, you can use my affiliate link to get 20% off).

    Small business accountability groups

    The above helps with day to day stuff (and I’ve seen that Flown even offers review of the year sessions), but for the overall business planning/goals, and growing my business, I’ve learnt that I do better within a small group container run by a business coach. 

    I’m working with a new business coach this year called Caroline Leon. I decided to switch after 3 years working with another amazing business mentor called George Kao. There were several reasons for this: George is in the US and the sessions were late in the day for my liking ( I’m a morning person and focus much better early in the day). I also wanted to work within a smaller group.

    By taking part in small group coaching in the past, I’ve learnt that I achieve better results within the container of a small group of people. In early 2023 I was inside such a small group with healer Rebecca Wright, and I had the most successful financial month that I’d had since I started self employment 11 years ago. So I knew that, if I was going to grow my business, I needed to invest in such a group. 

    I took Caroline’s business planning workshop in December to see if I liked her. It was affordable at £50, and I really liked her approach. I’ve been in her mastermind group since the January and I’m liking her approach, the pace of the work, and the type of people she attracts (heart based solopreneurs like me,). The group is full of coaches, massage therapists and healers. I love Caroline’s no nonsense bottom up approach (for example the first task she’s encouraged us to do is to draft an ideal weekly working schedule- something I’ve dabbled in doing but still felt resistance to because it makes me feel constrained). The fact is that, if we do not decide what we want to prioritise in our business, then our clients often dictate it for us.

    Thanks to Caroline and a co-working session we did this week, for the first time in 11 years I’ve created a rough business plan for this year. I’ve written down how much I plan to earn AND broken down each of my offerings and how much of the income each one will represent.  I made a mind map drawing about it using water colours- because I find using a creative process helps me put some fun in tasks that I otherwise find dry and difficult to do. 

    Over the last 3 years my main source of income has been my online courses, but this year I also want to offer one to one mentoring for women through life transitions, in a doula style model (working with me for a minimum of 3 months with regular calls) , and also start offering a small group program. I’ll be offering taster sessions at a reduced cost soon and also running free interviews about the group program, so feel free to message me to register interest if you would be interested in taking part in these.

    The above covers the practical stuff, and I want to mention the emotional stuff as well.

    Managing emotions

    Procrastination is about emotions, and feeling discomfort about starting something we don’t want to do (overwhelm being a common issue for ADHD people). So addressing the emotions is an important part of the equation. A couple of years ago I took a course called Doodle your emotions, and it gave me an amazing tool to coach myself through difficult emotions. 

    Here’s an example of a doodle I made when I did not want to start a task and it felt overwhelming. It took me all of 10 minutes to shift the discomfort and finally get started.

    Now, with my access to work grant I’m getting ADHD coaching all year for free as well which I know will make an enormous difference. My coach will hopefully help me understand my emotions and put things in place to overcome challenges.

    Emotional dysregulation is a big part of being neurodivergent, and when running a business, you cannot fix this with systems that tackle the “doing” without tackling what’s doing on inside. I spent years for example thinking that if I found the right planning diary (I bought many different ones) all my business and procrastination problems would be solved. Not only it never worked, but it also contributed to feelings of inadequacy and shame.

    Changing consciousness and mood with drumbeats

    I’m writing a book about how drumming supports women through birth and life transitions, in my research for it I’ve found drummer Jeff Strong. He’s got ADHD and in his book, Different Drummer, he describes how certain drum rhythms can positively affect both mood and focus. I signed up for the free trial of his app, Brain Stim Audio, this week and the results are amazing. It feels as effective as taking ADHD meds for me. And this is from someone who normally cannot work to music because it distracts me too much.

    Giving myself permission to rest

    Finally, some days I’m just not feeling it and I’ve learnt that, when I resist my body’s need for rest (I still find it challenging to do this, as I carry some shame about not being productive all of the time), I pay the price dearly, because what happens is that I don’t achieve anything and I also don’t give myself the permission to rest. Then I feel crappy & annoyed at myself. I first learnt about it when I was still having a predictable menstrual cycle (link to blog), and then more recently (other blog). 

    I call it a f*ck it day. When I give myself the gift of rest, I often rebound very quickly afterwards, whereas when I don’t do that, the low energy often drags on for days.

    Does any of this resonate? Do you find overcoming procrastination challenging? What have you found helpful? Please comment below.

  • The wisdom messenger podcast: An interview with Hollie Hope, the healing power of the sacred drum

    The wisdom messenger podcast: An interview with Hollie Hope, the healing power of the sacred drum

    In this episode, I interview Hollie Hope. Hollie is a mother, grandmother and an integrative healing arts practitioner, intuitive oracle and master of sacred sound. She has been supporting the community for the last 17 years through releasing traumas and distortions we hold with ourselves and teaching others how to open and activate their spiritual gifts and embracing their own feminine sensual embodiment.

    Through techniques cultivated through healing her own lifetime of trauma and abuse she offers wisdom how to incorporate sacred sound when healing the mind, the physical body and the emotional body to assist in activating the most potent parts of our own uniqueness and our own master healer within ourselves. 

    In this episode, we explore Hollie’s journey into drumming as a sacred healing practice and its scientifically-backed benefits for stress relief, empowerment, emotional release, and trauma recovery, especially among women.

    Highlights include:

    • Hollie’s journey into drumming after being invited to join a Native American drum circle. Despite initial hesitation, she experienced an emotional and physical connection to drumming.
    • How drumming became a self-healing tool for Hollie during a difficult time, helping her manage emotions and find stability. She evolved from personal use to teaching and making drums for others.
    • How drumming ceremonies facilitate healing, self-connection and emotional release for women by reopening dormant or stagnant parts.
    • Stories of using drum ceremonies to help two women release negative emotions/experiences and regain control and empowerment.
    • Research on drumming’s benefits for trauma therapy by allowing expression of emotions and trauma release.
    • How drumming can release trauma stored in the body’s cells. 
    • How drumming can induce relaxing alpha brain waves to counter excessive stress-induced beta waves in modern life.
    • How drumming aids meditation, stress relief, emotional regulation, and self-expression by connecting the body and mind.
    • Hollie’s new book, The Sacred Healing Drum

    Can you listen to the episode on Spotify, Youtube, or Apple Podcast

    You can find Hollie at

  • Drumming a New Path: My Journey of Healing and Growth in 2023

    Drumming a New Path: My Journey of Healing and Growth in 2023

    Last year nearly broke me. Join me as I reflect on an epic battle for my child, my own mental health hurdles and ADHD discovery, and how making a drum unlocked deep healing, purpose and exciting new ventures. This is a story of overcoming obstacles through surrender and belief in my ability to steer life’s challenges into growth and meaning. From family struggles to launching a podcast and book, I’m opening up about my most challenging and transformative year yet. If you’ve ever felt lost or close to giving up, only to discover you’re far more powerful than you realised, this one’s for you.

    When I look back at 2023, I feel mostly glad that the year is over and that I’m starting anew. Last year carried a lot of discomfort for me. It was healing but also painful. The coming year feels much more hopeful – it really has a new beginning feel. There were many positive things for me and my family in 2023, but mostly, because things had improved so much from where we were, I found myself grieving and finally processing the hard challenges I’d had to cope with in the previous couple of years.

    My family/personal life:

    2023 started on a dark note for me as my youngest child was still struggling with severe mental health issues, hadn’t been in school for 18 months, and had anxiety so severe they could barely leave the house. Early in the year I battled the local authority to secure funding (EHCP) for the small, holistic specialist school I knew was the only right fit, and key for recovery and healing. It was an epic fight. I had a private advocate’s help but it took months of paperwork, assessments, school visits, report writing and constant chasing. The underfunded, understaffed medical and education systems threw up roadblocks at every turn, but after nearly 18 months we won. It was worth the battle, and I’d do it all over again for my child, but I found it physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and soul crushing. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year (more on that later), and one of the issues with ADHD is finding tedious admin tasks REALLY difficult to do. If you want a flavour of what I experienced, read this graphic story about a mother battling getting support for her child with ADHD. It describes the French system but it’s very similar to my experience.

    When the letter came a few weeks later saying we had been successful, I thought I would feel elated, but instead, I felt war torn and weary, like had been a warrior for a long time, and I was finally putting down my armour, sword and shield. I felt exhausted. I booked a much needed family holiday to celebrate, and to act as a transition before my child started in the new school.  But then I got a kidney stone, spent an awful night in A&E begging for pain relief, fainted and gave myself a concussion. Rather than the holiday I’d planned, I spent a week in bed, wallowing in self-pity.

    In April my child started the new school, which was nurturing and supportive beyond my hopes. Three months in, my once housebound child happily went on a residential school trip. I also successfully applied for Disability Living Allowance, which opened up benefits that made attending certain events less stressful for my child. Over the last 3 years I’ve worked with therapists and coaches to stay regulated despite my child’s mental health crises, which used to unravel me. Recently, as my child had an anxiety attack on an outing, I was able to help her re-regulate in minutes. My own regulation was key.

    After the school win, I collapsed, my body giving out after so much chronic stress and survival mode. My health crashed. I was only up for walking my dog and resting and my mood was terrible. My coach invited me for a free restorative yoga session, reminding me my nervous system was fried. She helped me realise that, while perimenopause played a role, there was a lot more going on. Though I’d sworn off medications, she explained that I could try HRT without committing long-term.  I also reached out to holistic menopause mentor Kate Codrington, who shared that some of her clients used HRT to give themselves the space they need to get more holistic practices in place. Shortly afterwards, I started HRT, and within a couple of weeks  I noticed a huge difference in my mood, energy and sleep. Whereas before I felt crippled with anxiety, woke up several times a night with night sweats (which would then trigger anxiety that would keep me awake), and felt completely exhausted, I started sleeping better, feeling calmer and more positive, and having more energy. From that calmer vantage point I was able to look at my life and start putting more positive steps in place.

    I also got an ADHD diagnosis, which explained my paralysis around boring tasks, but hyperfocus when excited. With support, I applied for and secured an Access to Work grant for coaching, decluttering help and more. With all this support in place, I’m sure that my life and business are going to improve massively this year. Getting my older child assessed for ADHD and autism was also a big step. We await the final diagnosis this month.

    ADHD is a paradoxical beast. When I get excited about something, my productivity is off the scale (I wrote my first book in 6 months, and wait until you read my work achievements below), and I finally understand why people keep asking me how I do all these things. Whilst exciting things are effortless, boring or difficult tasks can feel insurmountable, and I can procrastinate for months on end, whilst constantly thinking about the task I’m not doing and beating myself up about it.

    My work life in 2023:

    From mid-2022 to March 2023 I had to pause my work to support my child and attend constant medical appointments and tutoring. But with my online courses ticking over, I still managed to keep my business afloat.

    When my child restarted school after so long, I found myself having more time to dedicate to my business again. I had stopped working as a doula a year before, and I felt frustrated that the next “calling” wasn’t still showing itself. Looking back I can see that there just wasn’t the space in my life for it before. But now that space was available I grew impatient and frustrated. Kanan helped me get out of this stuckness by reminding me that often we don’t know what works until we try. She asked me what would excite me and I said teaching drumming to support birth, but I worried this was too niche. 

    In a bid to get myself space to heal and spend time in nature doing stuff I loved, I booked onto Melonie Syrett (aka The Drum Woman) sacred women drum circle facilitator training. I booked this for myself as a retreat because I knew that spending 4 days immersed in sacred work on the land, in peace, away from the hustle and bustle and needs for daily life, would do me a lot of good. The training delivered this and more. I spent 4 days camping at the Clophill Centre, immersed in nature. The weather was glorious and we spent our time inside an roundhouse, or in the woods or meadows. It was everything I had hoped for and more. My nervous system calmed right down.  It was very healing.

    During the training I made a beautiful drum, created with the intention to lead drum circles. When you make a drum it carries the medicine of what you went through when you crafted it. We spent time with each hide asking it if it was the right one for our drum. When it came to the lacing, she explained that those of us who liked things to be perfect could consider making a messy drum. I remember thinking: I don’t want my drum to be messy! But my hide had other ideas. I hadn’t realised how hard it would be to work with horse hide. As the hide was so thick, I had to keep cutting bigger holes for the lacing and then passing the lacing through them was very time consuming. By the time most people had finished their drum, I was only a quarter of the way through with mine. We worked inside a marquee and it was 30 degrees outside and I was sweating profusely. I found it challenging and uncomfortable. In the end I had to finish my drum alone in the evening,  3h behind everyone else. But I wouldn’t stop or give up until I was done. My tenacity  making this drum was the same quality I had used through the fight to get my child support. In the making of this drum I also had to let go of control and surrender to some aspects of it that didn’t fit with my original plan. This was another deep lesson I had over the last couple of years, to learn to surrender, when before my default setting was to try and control everything when things got difficult.

    When my new drum was dry and ready to play a few days later, I did a guided journey to meet his spirit. He told me that its name was mountain rider and that its medicine was to help overcome obstacles. The drum’s medicine kicked things into hyperdrive. I offered a free webinar about drumming for birth and 100 people signed up. I then decided to offer a course to teach people how to drum during birth.  When I started researching the topic of drumming and birth I realised that almost nobody had written about this. This made me incredibly excited because I am a pioneer at heart and there I was in really new territory, and one that also made use of my science and spirituality bridging gift. 

    I was contacted by the International journal of birth and parent education (IJBPE) to write an article about drumming and birth. This was the first time in history that something about this topic was published in a scientific journal. I taught a group of women from 6 different countries how to use the drum to support birth. I wrote 6 blog posts about drumming. I made a drum from amniotic membranes. I ran drum circles and wrote case studies for my course, reflecting and refining my skills and gaining appreciation for what I did.

    I decided to write a book about drumming and supporting women through life transitions, approached a new publisher, wrote 6 chapters in a month to meet the submission deadline, and the project was accepted. I started a podcast, The Wisdom Messenger, to share the wisdom of trailblazing women bridging science and spiritual knowledge. I gave a talk about the science of drumming at the first convention of women drummers and makers. I also wrote another article about drumming and birth for the Green Parent magazine, which is coming out this month, and I’m leading a drum journey workshop at the IJBPE conference in April.

    Beside the above, in 2023 I also:

    • I kept my business going and whilst my income dropped a little, it was still steady
    • I launched a new online course about drumming for birth, bringing my total number of courses to 6. 
    • Over 100 new students joined my courses, bringing my total number of students to nearly 800, from 30 different countries. 
    • I ran 3 in person courses (including a rebozo course for NHS midwives)
    • I taught 4 webinars, the most popular one was attended over 200 people
    • I ran monthly drum circles
    • I did 20 individual healing sessions (Reiki, Drumming, Closing the bones)
    • I supported 3 births (I’m not a doula anymore but when people get in touch for help or friends give birth, I simply cannot leave them without support)
    • I published 25 blog posts and over 200 posts on social media.
    • I was interviewed on several podcasts, and invited to lead sessions in other people’s courses
    • I started reviewing the French translation of my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, which is being published this year.

    A lot of this success was due to having worked with authentic marketing coach George Kao.

    My spiritual/healing/growth work:

    Falling apart starts a death and rebirth process, where we rebuild from the ashes. This has been true for me. The pain provoked proportional healing and growth. My need to understand and better myself continued. I worked with a neurodivergent coach for 9 months and also had human design and MAP sessions. I tried some talking therapies but found the Western approach too cognitive and rushed. A more integrative, somatic approach resonates more. I continued microdosing plant medicine. It helps me identify and change unhelpful thought patterns. 

    I carried on with my weekly dawn woods drum circles with my 2 drum sisters. This feels very sacred and the space for deep sharing afterwards is precious.  As a friend who shared her drum story with me said “Drumming is like church, but better”. Deepening my nature connection through year-round cold water swimming, daily dog walks and wheel of the year ceremonies brought me grounding and joy. 

    I listened to countless audiobooks and podcasts about growth. Some of my favourite books were:

    • How to be the love you seek by Nicole LePera
    • Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
    • Radical Wholeness by Philip Shepherd
    • Entangled life by Merlin Sheldrake
    • The soul of money by Lynne Twist
    • How to keep house whilst drowning by KC Davies
    • Your brain’s not broken by Tamara Rosier

    In conclusion

    This has been an uncomfortable year, and also one of tremendous learning and growth. This is the year where I have started healing from the challenges I had in previous years, the beginning of a journey into becoming a happier, more whole self.  2024 truly feels like a new beginning for me, a year where I can really focus on growing myself, growing my business and helping others do the same.

    My word of the year for 2022 was Expansion (in last year’s blog post there is a link for a word of the year meditation). My word for the year in 2024 is Guidance.

    Someone shared this poem with me at a retreat last week and it feels apt:

    For a New Beginning

    by John O’Donohue

    In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
    Where your thoughts never think to wander,
    This beginning has been quietly forming,
    Waiting until you were ready to emerge.

    For a long time it has watched your desire,
    Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
    Noticing how you willed yourself on,
    Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.

    It watched you play with the seduction of safety
    And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
    Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
    Wondered would you always live like this.

    Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
    And out you stepped onto new ground,
    Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
    A path of plenitude opening before you.

    Though your destination is not yet clear
    You can trust the promise of this opening;
    Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
    That is at one with your life’s desire.

    Awaken your spirit to adventure;
    Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
    Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
    For your soul senses the world that awaits you.

     

     

  • When It’s Time to Shed Your Skin: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

    When It’s Time to Shed Your Skin: Letting Go of What No Longer Serves You

    I’ve decided that it’s time for me to retire from selling rebozos.

    I never intended to sell them, it’s just that, as I ran a lot of workshops, people kept asking. At first I only brought them to workshops and then through word of mouth alone, I got messages from people wanting them, there was so much demand that I found the process too time consuming (lots of taking pictures and emails). Eventually I had to ask my webperson build me a webshop.

    Fast forward to today, 7 years later I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that the process of importing, taking pictures, putting listings on my website, packaging each rebozo, taking packages to the post office, plus the tallying of countless paper receipts for tax purpose, is not only a very time consuming process, it’s no longer bringing me joy.

    Not only that, but it’s taking me away from what I feel I am really gifted at, which is creating content. Courses, blogs, books etc. These things give me deep joy and feel part of my soul’s purpose.

    Plus the last audit I did of my business showed that the profit I make from selling rebozos represent less than 10% of my income, but it sure takes a lot more time than the things that earn me the most money (my online courses). So it’s time for me to retire from selling them. When my current stock of rebozos is sold, I’ll close that part of my online shop. When I’m ready to close the shop, I’ll recommend another UK seller I trust and who imports from the same ethical suppliers as I do. I may still order a small batch when I run in person workshops (because this is still enjoyable and was less time consuming than online selling).

    Reflecting on cycles of outgrowth and shedding

    I’m sure you are familiar with the fact that some animals, like snakes or lobsters, grow by shedding their skin or shell. The sign that the old shell or skin has been outgrown is tightness and discomfort. I love this reflection about how lobsters grow in particular.

    When I look back at my professional life there has always been a lot of outgrowing and shedding.

    As a scientist, I did my PhD in two different labs, and then 2 postdocs in 2 different research centres. Then I worked for a start-up biotech company for 7 years. I wondered if it meant an unusual break in pattern, however over the course of these 7 years there was enormous evolution to my role, from bench scientist to team leader, with the organisation growing from 12 to 100, moving 3 times, merging with another company then being bought by a big pharmaceutical company. It was all quite exciting, and explains why I stayed so long in this company. Interestingly, when the job became boring after the company was bought by a large pharmaceutical company, and I agonised over leaving because I had a months old baby and negotiated a part time arrangement, I was made redundant and it was actually a big relief. After that I went back to academia for 4 years, and I had two completely different roles in two different departments in a very large research centre.

    The last 4 years of my scientific career, I straddled two worlds. I trained as a doula, antenatal teacher, and babywearing instructor. I did sling consultations on my day off, and taught antenatal classes during evenings and weekends. What precipitated my departure was attending a birth as a last minute backup doula on my day off, and coming back to the office on Monday morning and thinking, what am I doing here? This is so much more exciting. When I handed over my notice, I felt completely elated.

    When people tell me I was very brave to leave a successful scientific career behind to become a doula, I explain that it had nothing to do with bravery, I simply couldn’t not do it. My soul wouldn’t let me. Working in science those last few years felt excruciating; I was chained to something my passion had outgrown. My whole being knew it was time to shed that skin. So I wouldn’t call it brave to walk away. When I left, my spirit soared straight up as if finally set free. I simply had no choice but to change course and follow where my purpose was leading, to work that lit me up from the inside. I was no longer outgrowing that science skin – it had become dead weight.

    For a few years I worked as a birth and postnatal doula, antenatal teacher and babywearing consultant. It was so exciting and rewarding! Never in my scientific career had I cried tears of joy before, and this was a regular occurrence in my new job.

    I went to countless study days and training. I soon found myself offering workshops to birth professionals, and organically grew towards teaching professionals rather than parents.

    As my interests and offerings grew, I soon found myself in a quandary: as a solopreneur, there was only one of me, and too many interests yet not enough hours in the day to meet them all.

    What I noticed started to happen naturally, as my new interests grew, is that some of the stuff I had been doing for many years was no longer giving me joy. When this started to happen, I think I knew straight away, but I pushed the feeling away for quite some time. After all, I had invested significant time and effort in the training, and acquired a lot of experience along the way.

    For example, in the case of teaching antenatal classes, I had trained with the NCT, and this had included getting a DiPhe in antenatal education, complete with graduation ceremony. When only about 4 years after starting teaching I started to get the unmistakable sign that it was time to move on (in my case the sign is always boredom), I really struggled with this, and carried on teaching for a couple of years after that. When I finally told my husband that I was going to stop teaching the classes, he reminded me that I had made the decision 2 years before.

    Still I spent some time agonising over the decision because, whilst it was clear that this was no longer my path, there were aspects of the work I knew that I was going to miss. After stopping when I’d bump into couples who had attended my classes, and they’d ask me if I was still doing it, I would feel a pang of regret.

    The same was true when I decided to stop teaching babywearing. I had started teaching closing the bones and Reiki workshops, and the spiritual element of this made my soul sing. I realised that teaching babywearing was no longer spiritual enough for me. Similar iterations happened over the last few years, some came from my spirit, some forced by circumstances (for instance when the lockdowns forced me to move from offering in person workshops to online courses). 

    There were things I only offered for a couple of years before I felt that it was no longer right.

    Stopping doula work was quite hard even if the message to stop was really clear. The message that came was that, unless I stopped this work which was taking so much time, mental space and energy, I wouldn’t be able to start offering the next chapter of what I was supposed to offer.

    Even if I have no regrets because this is no longer my path, I still miss aspects of this work. This year I have supported a few families on an adhoc basis in one to one antenatal and postnatal sessions. When this happens, I notice two things: my depth of knowledge in this area, and my missing the deeper connection that comes with repeated meetings. This isn’t enough to make me go back, but these are bittersweet moments.

    It feels so linked to the cycle of life, birth, growth, decay, death, and rebirth. There is a time for everything, and we need to let things go if we want to make space for new things. It takes time and acceptance.

    As I walk in my favourite forest spot at this time of year, grateful for how much nature has taught me since I embarked on re-immersing myself in it a few years ago, I look at the trees shedding their leaves, and I think: they aren’t holding on, or scared of letting go.

    To me it’s the natural cycle of life. A time and season for everything. Only by releasing the worn and outgrown shell of the past do we make room for the new growth waiting to emerge. 

    How do you know when it’s time to shed something you have outgrown in your work or personal life? What are the signs for you? Please comment below.

  • The wisdom messenger podcast: An interview with Aimee Hamblyn, reclaiming your power and sovereignty

    The wisdom messenger podcast: An interview with Aimee Hamblyn, reclaiming your power and sovereignty

    In this show, I interview pioneers in women’s health and personal development about ground-breaking concepts that help women reclaim lost knowledge and inner wisdom.

    By bridging insights from ancient traditions and modern research, we’ll question stale cultural narratives and midwife a new paradigm around birth, life transitions, and women’s autonomy. Join me as we delve into stories and studies that empower women to reconnect with their inner voice.

    In this episode, I interview Aimee Hamblyn. Aimee is a doula, doula trainer and Energy-Lift Healer. Working with families since 2010, initially as a breastfeeding peer support and body work practitioner, focused on the post partum period. Always fascinated by observing how bringing the body into a state of deep peace, brings about healing on many levels. After experiencing the profound personal transformation in her own life, Aimee studied with Shakti Durga in 2012, to train as an Ignite Your Spirit practitioner to support her own clients.

    Aimee works with her clients using Shakti Durgas’s healing modality Ignite Your Spirit; this practice helps to heal past traumas, clear negative thought patterns, and clean & uplift the energy field.  This happens through connecting clients with their own inner light, wisdom and innate power to heal. Clients are uplifted and experience transformative life changing experiences. 

    As part of her dedication in the birth space, she also trains doulas with Developing Doulas. As well as running an annual mentoring container for birth professionals, “Sacred Birth”, supporting those working with families during the perinatal period to open to the energetic and soul dimensions of their work.

    Highlights include:

    1. Aimee discusses her spiritual journey and influences, including her upbringing, exposure to various religions, a pivotal trip to India, and her father’s passing.
    2. We explore different types of healing abilities, with Aimee sharing about her clairvoyant visual abilities that have evolved over time.
    3. We discuss the concept of Ignite Your Spirit therapy that involves meditation, visualization, and clearing/filling the energy body to tune into one’s intuitive languages.
    4. Aimee introduces the idea of reclaiming wounded parts of oneself and integrating them into the present as part of the healing process.
    5. We talk about a cord cutting practice to detach from emotional ties with others one is no longer willing to carry. Aimee incorporates this into her work with clients.

    Can you listen to the episode on Spotify, Youtube, or Apple Podcast

    You can find Aimee at

     

  • From impostor to trailblazer: learning to trust your inner pioneer

    From impostor to trailblazer: learning to trust your inner pioneer

    If you are worried about starting something new, read this.

    A few months ago, when I felt stuck after a long time not creating, my neurodivergent coach reminded me that sometimes we do not know what’s right until we try it. She asked me what would excite me. I said that I wanted to teach a course about drumming for birth. 

    I had fears around the fact that it was so niche that nobody would want it. I ran a free webinar. It had a 100 people signup, and was attended by 60 people so I thought, let’s try.

    I nearly cancelled the course because a week or two before I was due to start I only had 3 or 4 students. Then I decided to run it anyway, as a small early adopter group, knowing it would be special to do this, even if it didn’t make sense financially, and I also knew that, inside the container of creating this course, new things would be born. I thrive when I provide knowledge and support to others.

    In the end 10 women signed up, from 6 different countries, and the live sessions on zoom I held over the summer were beautiful and intimate. I loved them. My students had powerful transformative experiences. I get exciting messages from them telling me they’ve drummed at a birth in the hospital. They got tremendous personal growth by doing the course too.

    And now, 4 months on, I have 17 students from 9 different countries. I’ve published an article in a scientific journal about drumming and birth. I’ve started writing a book about drumming, birth, and women’s life transitions. I got the book project accepted by a publisher I’m really excited to work with. I started a podcast. I’m giving a talk about the science of drumming at the convention of women drummers next week, and I’ve been invited to 2 other conferences next year. I’m teaching an in person course in January. I’ve also had my request to write about it in a parenting magazine accepted.

    Don’t give up on trying something new just because you are the first person to do it.

    The pioneer’s energy

    Until recently I couldn’t see my gifts. I didn’t think that being able to do things that came easily to me was a big deal. The crisis I experienced over the last few years, working with various coaches and therapists, getting diagnosed with ADHD, and generally becoming a lot kinder to myself, has helped me understand and acknowledge my gifts. I can see what I’m really good at now.

    I should trust this pioneering energy, because it’s been there in my life.  It was there when I was 8 years old and I already knew I would become a scientist. It was there to hold my path steady when I was told, aged 16, that I shouldn’t pursue a career in science because I wasn’t good enough in maths.

    It was there when I was a biology student, and I refused to study molecular biology despite everyone else studying it. I wanted to study physiology. I was told it was old fashioned. I pursued it anyway and it made me a very desirable employee later on as molecular biologists where two a penny and very few people had the “old fashioned” knowledge I had. It was there during my PhD and 2 postdocs when I questioned everything I was told by my supervisor and did things my way.

    It was there when both my 2 postdocs and my first biotech start-up job led each of my bosses and collaborators to publish articles in a higher impact journal than they had even done before. When I shared ideas that more senior people hadn’t thought about. It was there when the biggest medical journal in the world, The New England Journal of Medicine, made an editorial decision to include animal data for the first time in the journal (that normally only published human data)  because the story we had was so compelling (a gene without which there was no puberty).

    It was there whenever I changed jobs or career as within a few years I became a name in my field. It was there when I left science to focus on supporting expectant and new parents. When I flew instructors from Germany I wanted to train as a babywearing consultant because there was no training in the UK.  It was there in my obsessive learning, in my desire to understand everything about so many subjects, reading, talking to people and attending countless study days. 

    It was there in my ability to metathink, in my looking at topics from a bird’s eye view and seeing links across far reaching topics (something I now understand to be one of the gifts of my ADHD).

    It was there when I started integrating osteopathic knowledge with rebozo techniques, when I created a new postnatal massage course with an osteopath, when I taught antenatal courses and used my drum to do practise contractions, when I created workshops and online courses about topics that didn’t exist before. It was there when I fought and succeeded to get insurance companies to insure babywearing, closing the bones and rebozo techniques. 

    It was there when I wrote my first book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters.

    Stop wasting your energy with the laggards.

    A few years ago I attended a workshop about change making with Sophie Christophy. In the workshop she drew Roger’s adoption curve. It looked like the picture below.

    Roger’s adoption curve shows how a new product, technology or innovation spreads through a population over time. It looks at the rate of adoption and plots the cumulative number or percentage of adopters on a chart over time.

    The adoption curve shows how early adopters first start using the new innovation, followed by the majority, until a saturation point is reached where most potential adopters have adopted the innovation.

    Key phases of the adoption curve include:

    • Innovators – the first few risk-takers who adopt very early (the pioneers)
    • Early adopters – next group who embrace new innovations, influential in spreading the word (the people you need to reach with your new idea)
    • Early majority – big wave of adoption, pragmatists who require proof and recommendations
    • Late majority – only adopt after the average person, sceptical, need pressure from peers.
    • Laggards – last to adopt, very conservative, only accept once innovation is commonplace (the kind of people who would only stop using a rotary phone once it’s no longer available).

    You do not need to worry about the last 3 categories, because they will only adopt your idea after each of the previous categories has done so. You only need to focus on the early adopters. See how much easier it makes it? You only need to worry about reaching 13.5% of your potential audience. And how liberating it is to notice that you do not need to speak to the laggards.

    This workshop was a defining moment for me, because I finally understood that my inability to affect change within the local maternity care system wasn’t due to my not trying hard enough (I used to beat myself up about this), but rather to the fact that I was talking to the wrong group.

    I completely stopped wasting my energy in maternity care meetings after that, and focused on finding early adopters and champions where I wanted to make change happen. This is how I ended up training all the local NICU nurses in using slings to support parents.

    Now thankfully I recognise the signs. I look for the early adopters. I cast my net wide to connect with like minded people. I trust that the right people will find me.

    I no longer feel the need to justify my offerings. I share my stuff from a place of authenticity, warts and all, knowing that it will resonate with the right people, and that, if it puts people off, these aren’t the people I want to work with. I no longer waste energy in trying to explain things to people who approach me from a place of judgement instead of curiosity. I do a lot of blocking and deleting on social media.

    I find this really helpful when starting something new in taming my inner impostor. Its voice is quite small these days.

    It doesn’t mean that it isn’t scary and that I don’t worry that nobody will want what I’m offering and that I don’t doubt myself. But I recognise the pioneer’s process, and feel a deep sense of excitement, especially when I realise that nobody else has been where I’m going. I thrive on it. 

    Do you worry that you are doing something so new that nobody will want it? Does it feel scary or exciting or both? I’d love to hear your stories. Just comment below this blog, or message me.

     

  • The wisdom messenger podcast: an interview with Laura Leongomez about trance as our birthright

    The wisdom messenger podcast: an interview with Laura Leongomez about trance as our birthright

    In this show, I interview pioneers in women’s health and personal development about ground-breaking concepts that help women reclaim lost knowledge and inner wisdom.

    By bridging insights from ancient traditions and modern research, we’ll question stale cultural narratives and midwife a new paradigm around birth, life transitions, and women’s autonomy. Join me as we delve into stories and studies that empower women to reconnect with their inner voice.

    In this episode, I interview Laura Leongomez, a priestess-witch, mother, and doula. Laura is a workshop facilitator and trainer; a writer, artist, massage and song therapist from Colombia living and working in Pembrokeshire. We discuss Trance as our birthright, exploring altered states of consciousness during birth and other rites of passage.

    Highlights of this episode include:

    • What is Trance. Trance in daily life and as a bridge between our individual self and the universe or spirit world.
    • The fear of trance in the modern world, including the historical punishment for being “crazy,” “weird,” or “powerful,” which has led to a widely-held fear of these states in modern society.
    • The fear our society has of the potential power of uninterrupted birth and the trance that is meant to occur during birth, and how this often leads to unnecessary interference. 
    • Community-Led Trance Work and Holistic Healing, including singing, dancing and drumming
    • Laura’s experience of holistic practises in Colombia versus the UK, in particular her learning from indigenous midwives in Colombia

    Can you listen to the episode on Spotify, Youtube, or Apple Podcast

    You can find Laura on Instagram at

  • My Groundbreaking Research on Drumming During Birth

    My Groundbreaking Research on Drumming During Birth

    In this show, I interview pioneers in women’s health and personal development about ground-breaking concepts that help women reclaim lost knowledge and inner wisdom.

    By bridging insights from ancient traditions and modern research, we’ll question stale cultural narratives and midwife a new paradigm around birth, life transitions, and women’s autonomy. Join me as we delve into stories and studies that empower women to reconnect with their inner voice.

    In the third episode of the Wisdom Messenger Podcast, I am interviewed by Bridget Supple from the International Journal of Birth and Parent education about the article I published in the journal about drumming and birth. 

    Highlights of this episode include:

    • Complementary therapies for birth and the myth of evidenced based maternity care

    • What brought me to postpartum care and to drumming

    • The benefits of drumming during pregnancy and birth

    • How maternity care interrupts the birth trance

    • My most memorable experience using drumming during birth

    • How drumming can help in the current state of maternity care

     

    Here’s a summary of the article published in the International Journal of Birth and Parent Education:

    Drumming has historically been used by women in feminine-centered religions and rituals surrounding major life events like birth. However, these practices were suppressed and disconnected from women with the rise of patriarchal societies. Reintegrating drumming traditions into pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum can help restore a sense of the sacred and empowerment for women.

    Research shows that drumming induces measurable changes in brain waves, hormones, and physiology. Benefits include relaxation, pain relief, reduced anxiety/stress, and altered states of consciousness. For birth specifically, drumming can provide a sense of focus, community, intuition, and trust in the process.

    During pregnancy, drumming can reduce anxiety, promote calm and focus, foster community and intuition, and support late-term coping. For labour and birth, key benefits are relaxation, pain relief through endorphins and trance states, separation from normal consciousness, and empowerment during challenges. Postpartum drumming can support emotional, physical, spiritual wellbeing and healing through rituals.

    The type of drumming that is most helpful follows an intuitive rhythm rather than a set tempo. Drumming can be incorporated throughout pregnancy, birth, and postpartum or just in specific stages based on the mother’s needs. This can include sound baths, drum journeys for guidance, and focused drum healing.

    In conclusion, while understudied, cross-cultural accounts and women’s experiences highlight drumming’s value in bringing calm, empowerment, and intuition to pregnancy and birth. Reintegrating this ancestral practice can support restoring the sacredness and women’s inner wisdom and autonomy in the transition to motherhood.

    Download the article Drumming for birth: Why drumming is a powerful support tool for pregnancy and birth

    Or message me for a PDF copy of the article.

    If you enjoy the article you can subscribe to the journal for only £10 a year this October 2023 (£25 a year normally), and access the entire 10 years database of past articles too.

    You can listen/watch to this episode of the podcast on YouTube, Spotify, or Apple Podcast.

    You can find me on this website, and on Instagram

  • Beyond Postpartum Care: How Closing the Bones Benefits All Women

    Beyond Postpartum Care: How Closing the Bones Benefits All Women

    You may have heard of closing the bones for postpartum recovery, but did you know that it also supports healing through life transitions, physical and emotional health, and helps regulate the nervous system, including for people who are neurodivergent?

    Closing the bones is a traditional postpartum massage ritual. It is mostly known for its South American roots, but versions of it exist (or used to exist) on all continents (including in Europe).

    The ritual involves a massage/rocking of the body using scarves, a hands on skin massage, and a sequence of tightening scarves around the body. I use drumming in my rituals as well.

    Closing the bones supports healing:

    • Physically, by providing movement in the joints, muscles, tissues and fluids.
    • Emotionally, by providing space to simply rest and be and be held, as well as for emotions to be honoured, witnessed and released.
    • Spiritually, by providing closure, and bringing energy back to the person receiving it.

    I have written many posts on closing the bones for the postpartum and you can find them below:

    Beyond the postpartum, this ritual supports healing through women’s life transitions and rites of passage, as well as healing trauma and calming the nervous system.

    This includes:

    • Menarche, Motherhood, Menopause
    • Conception and fertility
    • New beginnings or endings
    • Loss: baby loss (miscarriage,  abortion stillbirth), and any form loss
    • Trauma (birth trauma, sexual trauma, shock…)
    • Regulating neurodivergent overwhelm  (ASD/ADHD)
    • Recovering from illness

    Menarche, Motherhood, Menopause

    • The 3 big transitions of a woman’s life, adolescence, matrescense and sagescence, are systematically dismissed, shamed, downplayed, feared, presented as only scary and/or inconvenient, and  in modern cultures instead of the powerful rite of passage that they are.
    • As Jane Hardwicke Collings says “Anything to do with women, or the feminine that is put down, ridiculed, feared, or made invisible, is a clue that it holds great power. Think menstrual blood, think childbirth, think menopause…”
    • A closing the bones ritual (especially one held in ceremony with a group of other women) provides a way to empower, witness and honour these passages.

    Conception and fertility

    • Not only is this ritual a powerful healing experience for the postpartum but I have plenty of personal experience (and other practitioners too) of women overcoming fertility issues after this ritual. It can also be part of a conscious conception process.

    New beginnings or endings

    • A closing of the bones is beautifully suited to support and ritualistically mark new beginnings and endings, such as mariage, divorce, a new career or job (or the end of one). I now use it as part of birthday celebrations for friends, and because I have trained many people in my community in offering this ritual, people tend to ask for it or offer it when people are struggling or when it’s their birthday.

    Loss

    • I have supported many women through loss, from miscarriage to abortion and stillbirth, and I have written a blog post called How closing the bones can support babyloss. 
    • I have also used it to support people through the loss of a loved one, the loss of a community, a relationship etc. It is a perfect way to honour and support grieving and healing through difficult times in life

    Trauma

    • I have used this ritual many times to support birth and sexual trauma, including during pregnancy. 
    • I have also used it to support people through all sorts of other situations causing trauma and or shock, including recently for a friend after she had been in a car accident.
    • I was myself the recipient of such a ritual last year when I was in a very difficult family situation, and it was instrumental in my recovery. You can read about this in my post, ADHD and the kindness boomerang.

    Regulating neurodivergent overwhelm

    • Through the ten years I have trained people in giving this massage, many told me how helpful it was for their kids who were autistic, especially the wrapping. My own daughter loved it and it never occurred to me until she was diagnosed with autism to put two and two together. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD myself, and I have been on a big journey to understand what this means. One of the things I have discovered is that people who are neurodivergent are very easily dysregulated. Closing the bones not only soothes the nervous system deeply but it also helps teach the body what it feels like to be safe.

    Recovering from illness

    • In the past I have used this ritual to support people through severe illness, including chronic lyme disease, and more recently, terminal cancer. Every time I can see how the effects of the ritual are incredibly supportive in this context too.