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Sophie Messager

Tag: coping skills

  • Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Every time I take a break from my routine, whether it’s a holiday or just some time off, I always struggle a bit to switch back into work mode. After a period of relaxation, it can feel challenging to return to the many tasks that come with running a small business and managing family life. Itā€™s like the weight of both rolesā€”the solopreneur and the “CEO” of my familyā€”hits all at once.

    In the past, this shift often left me feeling grumpy and overwhelmed, but this time I approached it differently and was able to overcome the stress more quickly. Here’s how.

    Many years ago, I embarked on a journey to reduce overwhelmĀ  (read about that here). The biggest two learning points in my de-overwhelming journey and process are as follow:

    • Put the self care in the diary first
    • Decrease the size of the mountain

    1) Put the self care in the diary first.

    I know this is going to sound counterproductive, but it really work. If you try to work harder out of overwhelm, if you wait until youā€™ve done all the stuff in your to-do list before you allow yourself to relax, to take the time to do the things that make you feel good (in my case, swimming, drumming, and dancing) then you never find the time to do these things. You are not only likely to remain stuck in the overwhelm cycle, but also to make things worse. You cannot create spaciousness from a place of scarcity. If you feel you never have enough time, the way to create more time is to give your mind and body the chance to experience what it feels like to be spacious and relaxed.

    Iā€™ve found that practices such asĀ  reflecting in a journal every time I feel stressed or overwhelmed, putting a timer on for 5 min, simply starting with ā€œwhat does my soul wants to tell me todayā€. Or doodling myself as a stick figure and writing speech or thought bubbles works well to, putting a timer on for 5 min and drumming. All of these things help my overwhelm settle down. What comes up, with either of these practises, is usually that when I feel there is too much on my plate, I actually need to slow down instead of trying to flog myself to work harder. Overwhelms is often a sign that you need to slow down.

    When you feel stuck or stressed or overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through the stuckness, which usually doesn’t work, you can choose to do something that involves a bit of movement, and that makes you feel good instead. For me this means a walk in the woods, a swim in the river (I usually tell myself “fuck it I’m going for a swim!”) or a short 5rhythms dancing session (as in, just one short track I love).Ā  This ALWAYS results in the stuck energy moving through and my being able to start seeing the forest for the trees, and starting to be able to get stuff done from a refreshed place.

    Building up your sense of achievement rather than focusing on what you aren’t doing is also important. Another practice that Iā€™ve found transformative is to use a ā€œta-daā€ list. At the end of each week I write everything Iā€™ve done that week, self care, family andĀ  work wise. Iā€™m always surprised by how much I have accomplished, even when Iā€™ve felt that this wasnā€™t a very productive week.

    2) Decrease the size of the mountain.

    Since I started working with authentic business mentor George Kao Iā€™ve learnt the importance of capturing the process whenever I start anything new. This is for three reasons:

    • It helps understand the large numbers of steps and time involved in creating something (see Ta-da list above)
    • It saves time for the future, as you already have all the steps and tasks captured if you want to do it again (for example, creating an online course)
    • But most importantly, it decreases the size of the mountain. It helps to break down the impossible ascent into tiny, do-able steps. It creates a path where there was none before.

    Imagine that you are facing climbing an enormous mountain. Or that you have to carve a track in a deep jungle with a machete. All the tasks, the thoughts about the tasks, they all get jumbled in your head and all you can feel is this enormous, impossible task. You feel exhausted just thinking about it, and you donā€™t know where to start or even want to start. It feels heavy, overwhelming and scary. Running away feels easier,Ā  or pretending it’s not there. Yet you feel the weight of the “unclimbed mountain” on your shoulders all the time. Sounds familiar?

    This is because you cannot see your way through. You just see the top, or the impossibly far destination. And this keeps you stuck in fight and flight, or freeze mode, because our brains have evolved to be very good at protecting us. A perceived danger is experienced by our nervous systems in the same way as a real one.

    If you decrease the size of the mountain, as in capture all the tasks in small dividable steps, and then decide to maybe only do one, tiny step, as soon as you start to move, it creates a path, and the overwhelm gets resolved almost instantly. The energy starts to move, and you realize that the anxiety about doing the tasks was much bigger than the task itself. In fact, very often as soon as you start taking steps towards doing the task, the anxiety dissolves and you realized that you made a much bigger deal about it than it was.

    Iā€™ve found that when I procrastinate, if I start writing a list of what needs to be done rather than doing the actual task, it feels more doable to write that list than to do the task. And then when Iā€™m ready to tackle the task, the list Iā€™ve written creates a simple path I just need to follow, so I no longer procrastinate about it.

    Here is one of George Kaoā€™s blogs about it, and also a video about it.

    I have had such an incredible journey doing this that I plan to create a course to help others do the same. I am offering one to one mentoring sessions to start with so I can get feedback and experience. Do get in touch if this is something you would be interested in.

    Does this resonate with you? If so I’d love to hear about it.

  • Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    Sophie’s guide to choosing a rebozo

    I often get asked how to choose a rebozo, so here is a guide based on my experience of using a wide range of rebozos lengths and styles. When I started using rebozos, I only had a standard sized open weave one. It worked well for me, and I used it to support many families through pregnancy and birth. Over the last 10 years I have developed my knowledge of rebozo use and worked with many different type of rebozos and fabrics.

    I have practised rebozo techniques and facilitated rebozo workshops with several hundred women (and a few men) of all shapes and sizes. As I started selling rebozos, I acquired a large number of different rebozos and other shawls/scarves from many different suppliers and countries. Whilst you can use any rebozo for pretty much anything, I have found that different rebozos have different qualities, and lend themselves to different techniques.

    Rebozos can be a bit like choosing a pair of shoes. You would choose different pairs of shoes to go hiking or to attend a wedding. Similarly, certain lengths or types of fabric lend themselves better to certain techniques.

    If you’re on the shorter side like me (I’m 5ft3, 1.60m), and want to be able to wear the rebozo like a scarf or shawl, then a standard length (2 m plus fringe) may work better than a 2.5m length (thought you can still wrap it several times around your neck).

    Despite being short, I sometimes support taller or larger people. After finding my standard rebozo length slightly too short for a particular technique during a birth, I started taking both a long and a short rebozo with me at births (sometimes they get covered in bodily fluids so it’s good to be able to replace it if needed).

    When I worked as a doula, I used to gift a rebozo to my clients as part of my doula package, this way I knew they were more likely to become familiar with it and use it, plus it would make a lovely thing to keep afterwards. I would teach the partner a bunch of support and relaxation techniques, as well as show the mother how to wrap her belly and hips. A standard length (2m) works well for most people. I once supported a petite pregnant woman to wrap her hips, and I brought an long 2.5m instead of a 2 m one by mistake, and there was soĀ  much fabric around her hips when we practiced wrapping, making it feel cumbersome, so I brought her a shorter one at the next visit. However if the woman or her partner is tall then a longer rebozo might be more comfortable to use.

    If you are tall (over 5ft6, 1.67m) and you want to use your rebozo to do floor techniques (for example, to rock someone’s hips whilst they lie on the floor), then with a 2 m length youĀ  will need to bend forward as you work, which can be uncomfortable.Ā  A longer length (2.5m) might work better for you. Similarly, if the person you are supporting is very curvy, a short rebozo might not be long enough to cup the hips comfortably. Much of this is also down to personal preference and experience.

    As well as length, rebozos also come in different widths. I have seen some which vary from 50cm to 80cm in width.

    A width of 50 cm for example, might be a little too narrow to cup the average person’s hips if you are doing wrapping work such as closing the bones. A 60 to 70 cm width works better in my experience. Very wide rebozos can still be used comfortably, but they might be slightly more difficult to adjust if you want to focus on rocking a very specific part of the body, or if you are working with a very petite person. They also make great cosy shawls/blankets.

    As well as length, there are lots of different types of material, weaves and thickness etc. Having tried both cotton and acrylic rebozos, I personally prefer cotton, so I only stock cotton rebozos (apart from the rainbow rebozo from Guatemala which is a mix of cotton and synthetic fabric, but I love the look of this one). I personally don’t like the feel of 100% synthetic rebozos. I recently trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver and she advises against synthetic ones as they can produce static electricity.

    Open weave rebozos lend themselves very well to wrapping. The open weave means that they cup the body really closely, which is great for rocking and massage. When I trained with Mexican midwife Naoli Vinaver, she favoured these as well. They are also very grippy which means they stay tucked when wrapped around the body. They are my favourite rebozo for closing the bones. They are also thinner and pack smaller. The open weave can make them prone to pulls, so they are more fragile than closed weave rebozos, but thread pulls are easily pulled back into the weave by tugging on the fabric. For closing the bones I use 2m ones for the head, ribs, legs and feet, and 2.5 m ones for the shoulders and hips as they are the widest part of the body.

     

     

     

    Closed weave rebozos are both beautiful, grippy and sturdy. Most of them are soft straight away (though depending on the weaver some may need more than a wash and some use to soften the fabric, a bit like with a brand new babywearing woven wrap), and the closed weave makes them less prone to pulls and broken threads. They are slightly thicker than open weave rebozos. They are an all round versatile sturdy rebozo, and they make a good baby carrier too (here is a bunch of wrapping tutorials that shows you carries you can do with a 2.5m wrap). They are the kind of rebozo I like to take to a birth because of their sturdiness (this means that I do not worry about them getting damaged). I have one which has supported many births, and it still looks like new. I have these in both the standard and longer length (longer length is useful if supporting a larger or taller woman).

    Most rebozos come in standard length which is around between 1.8 and 2 (plus fringe). I think anything between 2 and 2.5 m/ up to 3mĀ  will work for most people. The longer length can give more versatility.

    An alternative is to use babywearing wraps (shorter ones, 2.5 to 3.5 m, as the standard 4.6m length would be quite cumbersome to use).

    I have stopped selling rebozos online, and I recommend Japjeet’s shop, as she uses the same ethical suppliers I do.Ā 

  • Why wrapping your hips can support wellbeing and alleviate pain

    Why wrapping your hips can support wellbeing and alleviate pain

    There is a simple secret I wish everybody knew! Wrapping your hips (and your belly) can help with many common ailments, from pelvic pain to period pain to back pain. Beyond the pain itself it is also very useful practice that you can use in your daily life when you feel the need for support and to help you feel centred/grounded.

    I learnt about the practice nearly 10 years ago when I learnt the art of using a Mexican scarf called a Rebozo to support women during birth. Since then I have been using it for myself in many different forms, using rebozos, woven belts and velcro wraps. Ā Iā€™ve been using it during my period, and when I feel the need to be ‘together’ such as when facilitating workshops, or giving closing the bones treatments and healing sessions. I wrote a blog about the use of wrapping in the postnatal period, which includes video tutorials.

    In this post, I want to explain why wrapping isnā€™t only useful after birth. Itā€™s a secret that should be taught to young girls when they reach their first periods, shown to use during the menstrual cycle, taught to every pregnant woman and new mother, and to older women too. Every time I teach this technique, everyone finds it wonderful. They put the rebozo around their hips, and they donā€™t want to take it off.

    My research has shown me that using a belt to keep the womb warm/for protection, is a universal practise. I even found evidence of the practice been a European ritual, via ancient Greece historian Odile Tresch, and recreated by French seamstress Nadege Feuillet.

    Why does wrapping helps?

    On a physical level, it holds bones, muscles and ligaments in place, which acts as scaffolding and allows your pelvis soft tissues to relax (a bit like putting your feet up after a long day standing up). It provides gentle support to the uterus. Wrapping your hips/pelvis makes you feel more stable and contained. It also provides a source of warmth which is comforting and healing.

    On an emotional level it makes you feel held and protected. It also helps to feel more present in oneā€™s body return to the body, which can feel grounding and reduce stress. There is something about being wrapped that feels very primal, think baby in the womb, or baby being swaddled. I believe the calming effect is a mix of being able to feel the contours of oneā€™s body, but also being reminded of the primal sensations of being in our motherā€™s womb.

    On a more spiritual level it helps you to feel grounded, returned to your centre, feel less ‘open’ and a gives sense of protection.

    When to use it?

    During your periods/throughout the menstrual cycle.

    I find wrapping my pelvis and/or belly or both during my period a great source of comfort. I crave warmth during that time, and the wrapping provides that. During my period I feel ‘open’ on an energetic level, and the feeling of being ‘closed’ by the wrap feels very good. I like to use one of my rebozos for this, but my favourite by far is using one of womb belts, which were woven on my request based on the design of the Colombian Chumbe belt, share with me by Colombian doula Laura Leongomez. I also like the Belly Blanket from Cherishing everything, which has a little pocket for a hot water bottle sewn in.

    During pregnancy

    Wrapping can help support the pelvis and provide much needed comfort when pregnant. It can also provide relief when you suffer from PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain, also previously known as Symphysis Pelvic Dysfunction or SPD). Once, a pregnant woman bought a rebozo from me. The next day she sent me this message:

    I had ever heard of rebozo or using the shawls to wrap your hips and thought that anything was worth a try as I am in such horrendous pain. Since using the wrap I have been able to do shopping and walk around without crying in pain, it makes a huge difference, so easy to use, looks pretty and I love that I can use it during labour and after as a sling! Hannah

    Just bear in mind that whilst wrapping may provide relief, it will not treat the underlying condition. Seeing a good manual therapist such as an osteopath, a chiropractor or physiotherapist who specializes in pregnancy can do that. The pelvic partnership, a charity which provides support and information about PGP, says

    ā€œSupport belts can be helpful to manage symptoms between treatments by keeping your pelvis supported in the correct position and helping to stabilise it. However, if you wear one without first having your pelvic joint alignment checked, it is likely to aggravate your pain. If your joints are not properly aligned, pushing them together with a belt can cause more irritation and pain at the joints. If you experience more pain when you put it on, take it off and contact your manual therapist for advice and treatment. You usually need to remove a belt when you sit down as it can dig into the top of your legs and bump ā€“ belts are most effective when you are walking.ā€

    There are scenarios where wrapping will be a fantastic support when you cannot access a therapist or whilst waiting to see one. I made this tutorial when a pregnant doula friend missed her osteopath appointment due to attending a birth and couldnā€™t get out of bed the next morning. With the rebozo in place she was able to manage the discomfort until she got another appointment.

    Hereā€™s another testimonialĀ  about such a situation:

    During my 3rd pregnancy I had PGP from quite early on. By my third trimester I was in quite a lot of pain and I couldn’t get to my usual chiropractor or pregnancy yoga class due to the first lockdown. I asked Sophie and she suggested pelvic wrapping. It really helped me feel supported and less painful. I also found it really helpful to wrap in a warm wheat bag on the painful spot and that really made a big difference. I continued for the first couple of weeks postpartum as well while I was still recovering.Ā  Tam West

    In the tutorial below I show you a simple way to wrap your hips with a rebozo

    Play

    People have reported the fact that wrapping their pelvis helped with back pain too.

    My Womb Belts which are the most effective form of pelvic support, and you can watch a video on how to use them here

    During the postpartum

    During the postpartum wrapping your pelvis or abdomen after birth will help support instable joints and muscles. I wrote a blog about it called The lost art of postnatal wrapping.

    When you feel unwell

    The feeling of containment and extra warmth wrapping provides can feel very comforting.

    Outdoors when the weather is cold

    I’m a year round wild swimmer, and I have found that wrapping my belly post swim in the colder months is a very good way to warm up. The same is true when spending a lot of time outdoors in the cold. When I told my mother about my use of Japanese Haramakis to keep my core warm, she explained that, where I grew up in Brittany, farmers often wore such kidney belts to keep warm when working outdoors. UK brand Nukunuku has a range of Haramakis. These do not provide firm support like a rebozo or belt, but they do keep the core warm.

    What can you use to wrap your hips and belly?

    Rebozos are perfect for this, providing just the right level of grip and strength. You can find some in my online shop . Other shawls and scarves may work well too, try with what you have at home.

    You can use lots of other things too, such as scarves and pashminas that you already have. Fabric belts can work well too. A pregnant friend even used the belt from her dressing gown!

    There is also the option to use velcro wraps for the hips. The sacroiliac pelvic belt from Belly Bands, or the Ā Serola sacroiliac belt.

    I did an hour long live on Instagram with my wise doula sister Laura Leongomez from Colombia, about the wisdom of hip wrapping. You can watch it on my Instagram IGTV, or on my Youtube channel.

    Have you tried wrapping your belly and hips? Did you find it helpful? Iā€™d love to hear from you, just comment below this blog.

    If this inspires you and you’d like to find out more, you may want to check myĀ online courses, which include a course about postpartum wrapping, and 2 rebozo courses (one for pregnancy and birth, and one about a postnatal rebozo massage and wrapping ritual).

     

  • Three rebozo techniques for pregnancy and birth

    Three rebozo techniques for pregnancy and birth

    I’ve had so many positive experiences using rebozo techniques as a doula to support pregnancy, birth, the postpartum and beyond, I’m on a mission to pass on this skill to ask many people as possible.

    Every technique is extremely simple to do, anybody can do it. Yet this humble tool provides an unparalleled a level of comfort and relaxation.

    There are hundred of different things you can do with a rebozo (and it works with other shawls and scarves too). The techniques usually fall within a rocking or a wrapping technique.

    Here I share 3 simple techniques you can use during pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period

    Pregnancy technique: Hip wrapping

    During pregnancy the rebozo can be wrapped tightly around the hips to provide support to the pelvic girdle. The rebozo can be twisted and tucked at the front or at the back of the pelvis. Whether you are tying at the front or the back will have slightly different effects on the sacro-iliac joints. Try both version and be guided by the feedback fon what feels best.
    Remember whilst this will provide support and comfort, this technique won’t ‘fix’ the underlying cause of the pain/discomfort and therefore won’t replace being treated by a skilled bodyworker (like an osteopath). In situations where pain is present, such as pelvic girdle pain (the Pelvic Partnership is an awesome resource), however it can provide support and comfort whilst awaiting treatment. It should be used mindfully, as a treatment, and not 24/7. You can also use the rebozo to hold an ice pack or a hot pack in place.

    Play

    Teddy the osteopath‘s view of the technique

    Wrapping the hips-supports and stretches the pelvic ligaments (the broad and the round ligament) and helps support weight from the bump on the abdominal muscles and fascia. Many women experience lower pelvic tension and discomfort and band like pain around the front of the pelvis during pregnancy. This technique may also help the ache or soreness in the genitals that can happen during to pregnancy. Wrapping from the back instead of the front provides a similar effect but might be better later on in pregnancy as it provides a broader contact, less pressure at the front and more opening at the back. Both techniques have an impact on the sacro-iliac joints by opening them in slightly different ways. The front tying opens the joints more posteriorally versus anteriorally for the back tying technique.

    Rocking technique (for pregnancy and labour)

    Jiggling the hips or abdomen (or any other part of the body) can relax tight ligaments and may help a baby rotate in pregnancy or labour more easily, as well as provide relaxation and comfort. Being rocked elicits a very primal feeling Ā (reminding us of being in the womb) and it is very calming and soothing for anyone. It can help a pregnant or a birthing woman relax when she is tense or anxious. Generally, these techniques relax the body so that the baby is more likely to take a better position.

    Here I show you how to rock the pelvis whilst standing up. This can also be done with the woman resting her back against a wall for support.

    Play

    Teddy the osteopath‘s view of the technique

    This provides movement between the lower thoracic spine and the lumbar spine, and helps with the compression forces caused by postural changes during pregnancy. It provides a passive articulation, completely removes the pressure, especially in the thoraco-lumbar joint. This can have a positive impact on breathing too as it also releases the diaphragm. Using a faster movement makes it more of a fluid technique/viscera (which can direct movement into the uterus and its ligaments) towards the front rather than the back. On the bump, faster movement again move the uterus rather than slower articulations.

    Fluid health is about transition of fluids. Movement in the body causes pressure changes resulting in fluid pumping in and out of tissues and right down to the cellular level, increased fluid movement leads to more healthy body tissues. Fascial tightness or looseness (connective tissue) can govern the ability of fluid to move in and out.

    Bump rocking on hand and knees

    The woman is on her hands and knees, kneeling over a sofa or birth ball or chair, and the rebozo is wrapped around the bump and lifted gently prior to sifting. When lifting, ask for feedback from the woman so you can lift enough to take all of the weight of her bump from her spine. As well as providing relaxation and comfort, this technique canĀ  help restore balance to the uterus and with the positioning of the baby during pregnancy or labour.

    Play

    Teddy the osteopath‘s view of the technique

    This loosens all the fascial tension from the front to the back: abdominal fascia and muscles, viscera (organ) ligaments, lumbar muscles and fascia. The vibration provides more movement into the uterus and uterine ligaments and helps to take the tension off it.

    All the techniques in this article are a taster version of my Rebozo for an easier birth course. The course contains over 25 techniques for pregnancy, birth and the postpartum.

    I have also made this set of techniques available to download as a handy PDF, you can get it by scrolling to the bottom of the Rebozo for an easier birth course page.

    Watch the video below, where I show examples of more techniques included in the course.

    Play

     

  • Resting after intense work is a necessity not a luxury

    Resting after intense work is a necessity not a luxury

    Today Iā€™ve mostly spent the day wearing a fluffy onesie and lounging on the sofa.

    I made a mental note to only do the absolute bare minimum of what I absolutely had to do work wise.

    Why did I do this? Iā€™m not ill or anything like that.

    I just needed to rest.

    Yesterday I facilitated a postnatal recovery massage workshop in London with a group of birthworkers. It is was an exhilarating day, but also a long physically and mentally demanding one.

    I got up at 5am, put all the stuff in Teddyā€™s car, we drove to London with all the gear (5 massage tables, covers, blankets, and many rebozos and other teaching bits), carried all the gear up to the studio, set up the room ready, welcomed the students, ran the course and held the space for everyone, packed everything up, carried it back to the car, drove back to Cambridge, and carried everything back to my house. I got home at 8pm and I was in bed by 9h30.

    It youā€™ve trained with me youā€™ll know that I put a lot of energy, love and work in my teaching, so it is probably no wonder that I need to rest.

    It has taken me over 8 years of self employment, some deep self discovery, and working with various mentors to understand the need to balance work and rest.

    In the past I used to plough on after a day or two of facilitating workshops (and I used to run 2 or 3 a months prior to 2020). Then I wondered why I felt cranky and why my productivity and mood took a nose dive.

    Now, after such a intense day I make a mental note to have a very quiet day afterwards. To refill my cup. To not do much at all.

    I still hear a little voice in my head that tells me to keep going (the programming is strong!), but I listen to my body, and my body is telling me very loudly to take it easy.

    The main reason I listen to my bodyā€™s wisdom is that I have learnt the hard way that if I ignore it, then Iā€™ll pay the price for several days, achieve not much at all, feel unhappy about my lack of productivity, and beat myself up about it. So it makes a lot of sense to rest and recover. Athletes do it after a marathon after all.

    Itā€™s not just my body that needs rest, itā€™s my soul.

    I give a lot of myself during this workshop. A lot of physical and spiritual energy.

    It does make my heart sing. But I also need to honour the toll it takes on me.

    As I get older, I notice that I need more recovery time, and also a more time alone and in quieter spaces, after spending time with people.

    It was very helpful to have a human design reading with Bingz Huang recently, because she highlighted this very thing in my design, that I have the Hermit/Opportunist profile. This means that I need alone time after being with people. It felt very true and validating to hear this.

  • How to normalise rest and support after birth

    How to normalise rest and support after birth

    One of the reasons I wrote my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, is because I got fed up of witnessing new mothers struggle and blame themselves for it.

    As a society we are blind to the needs of new mothers. When they struggle to adapt and adjust to the intense demands of new motherhood, new mothers tend to think that something is wrong with them, rather than placing the blame where it belongs, which is in a culture that totally fails to support them.

    We also place an abnormal value on independence, which means that new mothers often hide their struggle as feel shame and guilt, mistakenly believing that they are the only ones who struggle. Itā€™s a vicious circle.

    Since I published my book, I have been heartened by positive stories about it. One second time mother in particular, said that because of the book she didnā€™t feel guilty letting other people look after her after the birth this time around. But there is still SO MUCH we need to do to change things. In my doula work I still witness new mothers blaming themselves for their struggles, and who feel guilty asking for help, who feel guilty at having me to supporting them even!

    We need to normalize rest and support after birth. I believe than when as little as 15% of new families get given the support they need, this will become. I need your help in doing this.

    Please share the message that resting and being looked after the birth isnā€™t selfish but that it is the norm for our species.

    Encourage expectant families to plan for the postpartum as well as the birth. Itā€™s easier to have support when you put plans in place in advance.

    Play your part in the revolution by giving gifts that actually support the new family, like food delivery, vouchers for a postnatal doula or motherā€™s help, or voucher for a postnatal massage.

    The more people experience true nurturing postpartum, the closer we will get to the goal of transforming our culture.

     

    If youā€™d like to read more, I started blogging about this topic in 2016, and you can read more posts below:

    What new mothers really need

    Motherhood is fucking hard and you aren’t meant to be doing this on your own

    Have you heard of a postnatal plan?

     

  • Ten reasons to hire a doula even if she cannot be physically present during your birth

    Ten reasons to hire a doula even if she cannot be physically present during your birth

    Whatā€™s the point of having a doula if she cannot be present physically during the birth? Arenā€™t doulas just mostly hired for their supporting presence during that special time?

    Honestly when lockdown started in 2020 and hospitals in the UK introduced restrictions to one birth partner only, I asked myself the same question. I asked myself this question because despite having worked as a doula for over 8 years I had almost no experience of supporting labour remotely. I was utterly dismayed when I found out that I was no longer welcome in the hospital along the families I was already committed to supporting. Yet over the last 10 months, whilst I didnā€™t attend many births in person, I acquired a wealth of knowledge and experience in providing incredibly different forms of support in the forever changing rules in and out of lockdown. One thing that never changed for me locally is that my local hospital never relaxed the one partner only rule (I know that other hospitals in the country did things differently).

    Interestingly, many couples still choose to hire me for support despite knowing that I may not be able to be present at their birth. I am already booked for several different families in 2021, and including some repeat clients. Iā€™m totally honest with people and explain from the onset that it is unlikely that Iā€™ll be able to be physically present during their birth, unless they birth at home. But in these challenging and unpredictable times, having the support of a doula can still make a world of positive difference to your experience of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum. Iā€™ll make a separate blog post for postnatal doulaing after this one.

    So what difference can a doula make even if she cannot be there with you at the birth?

    • 1) Antenatal education and birth choices

    In the extra challenging situation that lockdown and changing hospital policies bring, having someone to help you navigate your options is more important than ever. As your doula, I have an in depth knowledge of my local hospital policies, often being aware of policy change before members of the public. A doula can help you prepare for the unexpected and help you create birth plan that cover every possible eventuality that may present itself. Itā€™s something doulas have always done, and I wrote a blog post called Why you may want to have a plan C (for cesarean) in your birth preferences.

    • 2) Emotional support

    Having someone you have gotten to know and trust, and who is always available at the end of the phone or email when you feel the need for support is even more important than before. In most trust there is no named midwife or a person you can contact directly within the health system at the best of times, but since March 2020, with the stretched NHS, this has become worse. Several of my clients said they left messages with werenā€™t returned. Just having someone you know you can call and talk to when youā€™ve worried about anything during your pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period, can make a world of difference to your wellbeing.

    • 3) Knowledge and information

    As before the pandemic, access to knowledge and information is a big part of doula support. There is a whole maze of information to navigate! Where will you have your baby, what kind of birth do you want, what if you cannot get your preferred choice, what are your rights, whatā€™s the scientific evidence behind what you are being offered, what is right for you, yours and your familyā€™s unique circumstances? I can help you access a whole network of people, from other health professional to complementary practitioners outside of the NHS, from osteopaths to complementary therapists to breastfeeding professionals.

    I supported a family who wanted to have a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean). They wanted to be in the local birth centre but had been told this wasnā€™t possible. They weren’t based in Cambridge, but through my network of birth workers, I obtained the details of the consultant midwife at their local hospital. They had a meeting with her and got granted access to the birth centre. They had a beautiful empowering waterbirth there.

    I also supported a woman who was facing an induction of labour that she didn’t want or felt was justified. We had a chat over the phone and I reminded her of her rights to choose, ahead of a meeting with her consultant. I received a very grateful email afterwards explaining that she had felt much calmer and confident going into the meeting thanks to our chat, and that the meeting had gone very well. She went into labour naturally.

    • 4) Practical support

    I am skilled in many support techniques that can help make your pregnancy, labour and birth, and postpartum period more comfortable. I can teach them to you, or signpost you to someone who can support you if you aren’t local to me.

    In 2020 several of my clients had breech babies, I was able to teach positional and rebozo breech turning techniques via video calls (I became very good at using a tripod to hold my device, and at contorsioning myself to demonstrate positions!) or in person. I was also able to signpost them to osteopaths who helped balance the pelvis so the baby had more chances to turn, or to acupuncturists who taught them how to do moxibustion. I also helped to access the information to help them decide whether having the baby turned manually (known as an external cephalic version) with an obstetrician was the right choice for them, as well as what would happen during the procedure/

    • 5) Labour preparation

    I can help you be prepared for what do expect during labour and birth, and decide what kind of comfort measures youā€™d like to use, and explore their pros and cons. I can teach you such comfort measures so you are feeling prepared and confident, even when Iā€™m not physically present.

    In 2020 I started writing custom relaxation scripts to help with things from promoting relaxation and confidence, to help turn a breech baby, to help labour start when due date had passed and an induction date was looming. I recorded myself as I lead expectant parents through those scripts and sent them the recording to listen to. One couple reported that they went into labour after listening to the “overdue” relaxation script I had sent them over and over again, and that the mother went into labour despite the pressures of the looming induction and had a very straightforward birth.

    As well as teaching you some of the many comfort and relaxation measures for labour I know, I can teach the ones that suit you to your partner. This means that your partner will feel more confident in supporting you, that the two of you can work better together, and that you are both likely to have.

    • 6) In person Labour support

    As a doula, Iā€™m still able to provide in person support in early labour at the coupleā€™s home. This means that I can come and support you when labour starts, and help you feel comfortable, confident and safe. This means that you do not have to worry about when it is the right time to go to the hospital (or call the midwife if youā€™re having a homebirth). This means that there is a reassuring presence in the background. It can help both you and your partner feel much calmer and safe. It means that you are more likely to have a straightforward experience, especially if this is your first baby and you do not know what to expect or what is normal.

    All hospitals still allow one partner, and I have supported families who chose to have me being present at the birth in the hospital, for example if the partner had to stay at home to care for older children.

    • 7) Remote labour support

    Because we will have gotten to know each other well, youā€™ll have come to trust me and feel safe with me. By the time you are in labour, knowing that there is something you can call at any hour of the day or night, and that I will be there

    As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, I was myself unsure of what difference I could make remotely. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could still make a world of difference during labour.

    I could join couples at home in early labour, I could be there on the phone or video calls in early or later labour. Because I had prepared the partner with extra techniques, when they called me describing a stall in labour, I was able to guide them through specific rebozo techniques designed to help resolve such issues with great success. I was still able to provide advocacy and help people navigate their options.

    During a birth in 2020, a partner called me as labour had stalled and there were talks of moving to theatre. As I had taught him some of the most useful labour dystocia resolving techniques I know. After asking him a few specific questions I suggested a couple of positional and rebozo techniques. The baby was born vaginally 40 min later. Another partner called me telling me that his wife had been pushing for 2h, and that due to arbitrary limits on pushing duration from the hospital, transfer to the delivery unit was being strongly suggested. He asked if they could refuse. After asking if both mother and baby were well, I reminded him that it was their decision to make. The baby was born in the birth centre pool 20 min later.

    A challenging time last year was when I had to watch a woman that I had previously supported as a doula 3 times before, walk into the hospital alone for her planned cesarean birth (my local trust currently only allows partners in the ward as they go into theatre, so the mother is alone in the antenatal ward until she gets called to go to theatre). I went to meet her in front of the hospital. I thought I hadnā€™t made a difference but later one she said ā€œIt definitely helped to still have you as my doula in lockdown as it was really lovely and comforting to know you were just at the end of the phone for a chat or advice. It was also lovely to see you outside the hospital before I went in, and to talk to you in the evening about the birthā€.

    Zelle the doula shared this account of supporting a birth over the phone (you can read the whole story here)

    ā€œIt feels like sheā€™s wrenched the phone out of her husbandā€™s hand, as her eyes lock on to mine ā€œZelle!ā€ she breathes as a surge crashes like wave over her ā€œZelle-I-really-need-an-epiduralā€ she scrunches her face up ā€œI canā€™t CANā€™T do thissssā€. I am calm. An even tone. The bit I wish I was there for, because I would stroke her hair out of her face and be gentle with her poor tired body and be slow and gentle and grounding. I have to do it all with my voice instead. ā€œA,ā€ I say. ā€œYou are so strong. You are magnificent. This is transition, that hard bit we talked about. This feeling will leave.ā€ Iā€™m conscious of the fact the adrenaline will kick in momentarily. ā€ You know what to do. Your body knows this. Youā€™ve been in labour a *long* time. Itā€™s a lot of hard work. Thereā€™s no shame in an epidural if you want one. But youā€™re wrong on one point, A, you CAN do this. I completely believe with every fibre of my being that you can do this. I believe in you.ā€ She shoves the phone back in to her husbandā€™s hand. ā€œI CAN do this!ā€ she breathes. I am so proud I wipe tears away.ā€

    • 8) Navigating the unexpected

    If anything happens during pregnancy, birth or the postpartum you can rest assured that I will be there to help you navigate the situation. From labour starting early or labour, or a sudden diagnostic of a medical situation which changes your birth choices, I have supported these kinds of scenarios for the last 8 years and I know how much of a difference it makes to have someone by your side to help you find out how to make the best of it.

    • 9) Postnatal preparation

    Postnatal preparation and support is one of my favourite topics. I feel it is so important that I wrote a book about it, called Why postnatal recovery matters. As your doula, I can help you prepare for the postpartum, be it the immediate few hours post birth in the hospital or at home (including how to prepare for the fact that most partners may not allowed to visit postnatally in the hospital), or the later parts from coming home with your baby, from feeding choices to parenting choices. As part of my contract you get 6 weeks of unlimited phone and email support after the birth of your baby.

    • 10) Postnatal support

    After your baby is born, especially if you are alone in a postnatal ward without your partner, or if you have your partner but medical staff is too busy to help support you, I can do call or video calls as soon as you need me to help answer any needs you may have. I have become skilled at provided feeding help over video calls, either myself or putting you in touch with breastfeeding counselors, who have also become very skilled at providing feeding support over video calls. More in my next blog on postnatal support during lockdown.

    Finally, here is a story from a mother I supported in 2020:

    Ā ā€œIt would be easy to feel like pandemic restrictions preventing extra birth partners would make hiring a doula pointless. After all, if they canā€™t be at the birth, why bother, right? I might have felt the same, if it werenā€™t for our experience of growing and birthing our daughter in 2020 with Sophieā€™s help.

    When the pandemic hit, and suddenly even my husband wasnā€™t allowed in to scans or appointments. Secondary birth partners were banned from births completely. These restrictions still hadnā€™t been eased by July, when I unexpectedly entered prodromal labour at 36 weeks gestation. After a week of contractions at home that werenā€™t getting any more frequent, I entered the hospital to have my labour artificially progressed. I laboured, for large parts alone, for five further days, before finally delivering my daughter by c-section (or belly birth, as I like calling it!). Again, even getting my husband into hospital to support me was a fight. The presence of a doula was a complete non-starter.

    So do I regret hiring Sophie? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

    If anything, I am MORE grateful we did because of COVID. More than ever, being asked to navigate the labyrinth of the maternity care system is a nearly impossible challenge women are being asked to undertake. Especially in a pandemic, alone. I have no idea how I would have begun to survive it without the preparation Sophie did with us, and the support she still managed to provide both during and after our birth.

    Ā I had the space I needed to process rather than internalise my grief. I had the planning and preparation I needed to take care of myself both during and after the birth. I had the support I needed to bring my baby home to an overjoyed family that was ready to receive her. I had the confidence to know I can be and am exactly the mother she needs. I was left so in awe of the work of doulas that Iā€™mĀ becoming one. ā€ Elle.

    If youā€™d like to read more about this topic, I wrote a blog called The Value of a doula, one called What do you get when you hire a doula, or why sheā€™s totally worth the money, one about how a doula can support you if you are having a planned cesarean birth, and one called The incredible things doulas do to support their clients. Whilst these were written before 2020, much of what I explain in them still applies.

    If this resonates with you and you would like to work with me, I offer education and support for families and birthworkers in the form of one to one support, and online courses.

     

  • A guide to postpartum recovery during lockdown

    Updated January 2021 (originally published in March 2020)

    The lockdown inspired me to write a mini emergency postnatal recovery plan, as for the foreseeing future, most new families in the UK (and in many other places in the world) are likely to be at home alone with their babies, with support from only a very limited number of persons (Doulas and certain therapists are still able to work during lockdown so do not hesitate to contact them for support).

    Traditional postpartum recovery the world around includes a period of at least a month during which the mother does nothing but rest and get to know her baby, whilst other people look after her, cook her warming, nourishing foods, massage and wrap her, and provide essential social support.

    After all, your body has done something truly amazing by growing and birthing a whole new person, so it makes sense that it needs some TLC to recover as well as possible. Even marathon runners take a couple of weeks off training after an event!

    I wrote my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters,Ā  to encourage a return of these practises to the Western world.

    But during lockdown I am aware that the full version of this isn’t going to be possible.

    So when we boil it down to its bare bones, what does a DIY postnatal recovery plan look like?

    The four pillars of postpartum recovery are social support, rest, food, and bodywork.

    Social support

    I hope you have a partner or another adult Ā with you. It is unlikely you’ll have much direct support from people face to face, however you can get a lot of online/virtual/video support. Many doulas have switched to offering remote support via phone or video calls (doulas offer postnatal support as well as birth support). You can find a doula here .

    There are online support groups, and you can find local or national ones on Facebook. If you search for something like mums in XXX (town’s name) or “XXX parents”, you’ll find groups, and from these groups and the people in them, you’ll be able to find out other sources of support. In fact the pandemic has seen the creation many new local support groups created to help support vulnerable people, so help is paradoxically easier to find than it was before. There are are also some apps such as Mush or Peanut which are designed to help mums to connect with other mums.

    Rest:

    Aim to stay in bed for a few days, or if being in bed drives you crazy, or if this isn’t possible, around the bed or the sofa as much as you can. Try to take at least one nap a day (early afternoon is the time that most people find that comes naturally), or if you can, a couple of naps a day, sleeping when the baby is sleeping. Even a 20 min power nap can make a world of difference. Try to go to bed earlier than you normally would a few times a week. If you cannot sleep, try to lie down and rest (some mums find it easier to drop off if they listen to a guided meditation. There are plenty of free apps for that). If you’re alone and have other kids to look after, drop your standard for a while and have lazy days around the sofa, making free use of screen entertainment.

    Food:

    If you can, batch cook and freeze ahead of time before the birth. Ideally you’ll want to have a mix of sources for food, from self prep, to food prepped for you by friends and neighbours, to food deliveries. You could organise a meal train or better still ask a kindly neighbour or friend to organise one for you (or use this website https://www.mealtrain.com/). Since there are many free support groups online now, including street whasapp group (why not start one if there isn’t one in your street yet),it that it might be easier than before to get the support.

    There are companies such as cook that deliver good quality frozen meals that you can just stick in the oven like lasagna (https://www.cookfood.net/). I am seeing more local delivery initiatives before so I’m hopeful that you’ll find them locally. Some local shops offering delivery services. As well as fresh food, get some easy to eat, stock on non perishable snacks if you can.

    Bodywork

    Another ubiquitous practise is to massage and wrap the abdomen and/or the pelvis of the new mother. It is trickier than before as access to massage therapists is limited, however, such therapists are still allowed to practise when the clinical need is deemed sufficient (see guidance here https://www.fht.org.uk/news-item/fht-statement-on-coronavirus-covid-19). Manual therapists such as osteopaths, chiropractors, and physiotherapists are still open. There are things you can do for yourself, such a giving your lower abdomen a gentle massage, and wrapping your pelvis and/or abdomen with a scarf or a velcro belt. I’ve written a blog about how to do this, complete with some tutorials.

     

    Get yourself a sling or baby carrier. This will allow you to meet your baby’s needs for closeness whilst being able to relax and still have your arms available to fix yourself a snack or a meal. Carrying matters has just published a blog about babywearing during the pandemic, and they also run the sling pages directory (Babywearing consultants are able to support you remotely).

    Try and plan as much as possible whilst pregnant so you have support in place after the birth.

    I’ve made a free postnatal recovery plan PDF to download with prompts. You can find it here.

    If this inspires you and you’d like to find out more, you can buy a signed copy of my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, here, or find out more about my online courses, or the one to one sessions I offer.

  • Stretched between gratitude and grief. A review of 2020.

    Stretched between gratitude and grief. A review of 2020.

    At the end of each year I write a review of my year. I find it a helpful exercise to reflect. This year it feels more important than ever. I am doing it for myself, and I also hope it may inspire others who read it. Despite my being told that I do a lot of stuff, until I write it all down I tend to mostly focus on what I am not doing.

    I choose the title of being stretched between gratitude and grief because this has been a year of extremes on many levels, and that is how it has felt for me.

    I have this amazing book about grief called The Wild Edge of Sorrow. In his book, author Francis Weller explains that :

    “Sorrow shakes us and breaks us open to depths of soul we could not imagine. Grief offers a wild alchemyĀ that transmutes suffering into fertile ground. We are made real and tangible by theĀ experience of sorrow, adding substance and weight to our world. We are stripped of excess and revealed as human in our times of grief. In a very real way grief ripens us, pullsĀ up from the depths of our souls what is most authentic in our beings”.

    I started 2020 in a state of deep grief, due to a crisis that had happened in the summer of 2019. I was still seeing a therapist, and still on antidepressants. I was desperately trying to “fix” myself out of the darkness. Back then I could not have imagined how much personal growth and joy this year would bring me, despite the challenges that it brought.

    A bunch of things happened between January and lockdown that contributed to lifting me out of this state. I finished doing the case studies for my Reiki Drum teacher training, and managed to attend the actual training (despite the looming lockdown and a flat tyre). I had a family constellation session (the 4th one since summer 2019), and I had a 3h long massage and healing session with Claire at In well being somatic massage, all of which helped shift what had happened Ā out of my body. But the biggest change was oddly brought by the lockdown itself.

    As the announcement of lockdown loomed, I spent 3 days reading the news constantly. My anxiety skyrocketed as I started to imagine all sorts of worse case scenarios. I’m super grateful that a friend made me aware of a zoom workshop based on the work of Byron Katie, on the topic of anxiety during the pandemic. During the workshop, Cambridge coach Corrina Gordon-Barnes led us through an enquiry about our fear. Ā I had partially read Byron Katie’s book, Loving what is, before, but I had taken the questions at face value, and not got that they weren’t actual intellectual questions, but rather a method of self enquiry. The effect of this for me was extraordinary, and it moved me instantly out of my fear and anxiety into a state of peace. You can watch the video of this workshop, called Peace during a pandemic, here. I know it sounds too good to be true but the difference attending this workshop made to me was really night and day. In fact I found it so transformative that I attended another one and signed up for an online course around the Work and parenting later in the year.

    I’d be lying if I pretended that I didn’t drop back into anxiety at times. There were several moments during the year where I felt consumed by anxiety and anger about the state of the world, the unbelievable changes that were happening all around us, and projections into a bleak and scary future. When that happened, being in nature or dancing always helped bringing me back into my body in the now. It was an interesting realisation to find that even if the circumstances didn’t change, my mindset (or should say my heartset) made all the difference. This year I really learnt the meaning of staying into my business and accepting what I can and cannot change.

    The gift of time during lockdown

    Oddly, lockdown turned out to be mostly positive for me. As the first few days happened, I started taking my children for a daily walk in the neighbourhood, in a bid to keep them healthy. I felt annoyed and grumpy to be restricted to visiting the same boring spot everyday.

    A few weeks before lockdown I had started a gratitude practise called 111 happy days. So I decided to switch this to something called Gratitude in a Pandemic, which I did for 16 weeks. I chose to share my gratitude practise on Facebook to keep myself accountable. Every day or so I’d share, along with pictures, the stuff I felt grateful for. This is the first time in my life that I did this regularly and the first time I found out how effective it was. I started noticing a lot of things to be grateful for that I had never been even thought about before.

    It is said that where the attention goes, energy flows. This proved so true for me because not only this helped me shift my mindset towards more positive way of looking at the world. Because I shared on Facebook, friends pointed out how lucky I was to have such open spaces on my doorstep, and soon I stopped seeing the local nature reserves as boring places, but started to appreciate their beauty. I hadn’t expected this but a lot of people also told me they found my posts inspiring.

    Other magical stuff happened. As I took daily walks with my kids, whilst at first they were reluctant, they came to look forward to it, asking during lunch at what time we would go. Because of these walks and the forced slower pace of life, we spent more time together than we did before. We often had deep meaningful conversations during these walks. I also noticed that my kids also spent more time talking to each other. I noticed that the local nature reserve was actually a very beautiful place, that we were lucky to have it so close, and that it looked different every day, as nature grew and unfolded during Spring. We saw cygnets being born and then we saw them grow. The weather was unusually nice which made it all the more pleasant.

    It wasn’t all pink fluffy unicorns. Some of those walks were challenging, some days my kids were grumpy or quarrelled etc. One major source of frustration was navigating achieving balance for our kids between home learning and screen time whilst both myself and my husband worked. This also meant having complex conversations with my husband who had set up his home office in the lounge, whilst I was upstairs always the one the kids came to for school work help! In the midst of this, I felt utterly grateful that my children were older (10 and 14)Ā  and fairly self sufficient. I cannot imagine how I would have coped with the lockdown with a toddler and a preschooler. I saw the challenges some of my friends with younger kids went through, trying to work (some of them single parents) whilst meeting the needs of their children. They have my utter respect and admiration.

    The other major change that the forced slow down brought by lockdown brought me was that I became aware that I had been pressuring myself to be “productive” all the time. I thought I had come a long way from this already, starting with the coaching work I’d done with Bonny Chmelik Ā a couple of years ago (which led to my year round river swimming habit), but as the pressure eased for so long, I started to feel very appreciative of the slower pace of the day, and feel much happier and more relaxed for it. I spent more time doing activities like baking, gathering herbs and making stuff with them like bundles and oils etc, because I felt I had the time. It was no nice to enjoy these whilst not feeling rushed.Ā I remember one afternoon as I relaxed in the hammock in my garden, it dawned on me that I wasn’t feeling guilty of not working. I had several defining moments like this one, for instance one morning I ran through the local nature reserve and stopped on the riverside to watch the water and meditate, a voice in my head told me I should be getting back to work. I started to realise how much pressure I was putting on myself Ā to be productive all the time, and I hadn’t even been aware of it.

    Two other practises really helped me slow down and connect with nature and myself: drumming and dancing (as well as my previously existing practise of year round wild swimming). In November 2019 I committed to train to become a Reiki Drum teacher. This means I had to run 24 case studies in 2 months. I managed to finish and attended the training. I never got to teach it in 2020 as I had intended, but the benefits for me personally went beyond my expectations. In February I started running monthly drumming circles in Cambridge. I had assumed I’d get a handful of friends, but both times around 14 people attended, most of which I didn’t even know. Those drum circles were magical. During lockdown I carried on running them online, then ran them to outdoors when it became possible again.

    By April I felt well enough to come off the antidepressants.

    In May I turned 50. Whilst I was upset that I couldn’t see my family that day, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t feel that important, and I also felt grateful that I did not mind so much.Ā  I started the day drumming in the woods, I went for 2 swims at my favourite spots, had a wonderful takeaway Chinese feast for diner and an enormous chocolate keto cake handmade and delivered by my lovely friend Alexa. I finished the day with party on Zoom that night and this meant that friends and family from Norway, the USA, France and Germany were able to join me, and this wouldn’t have been possible if it had been face to face. The party included a 5rhythm dance session led by the wonderful Ruth Hirst. Many of my friends had never tried this type of dance and where hooked instantly.

    The day I turned 50 I also started the day drumming in the woods at the local nature reserve with 2 other women. I have been doing this bi-weekly since. It’s a deeply spiritual, yet simple, practise that I love, in the connection with others, with nature and with myself that it gives me.

    In October 2019 I had joined Cambsdance , which is a conscious dance community in Cambridge. They host various teachers who run a range of conscious dancing classes from different styles ( 5Rhythms, Freedom dance, andĀ  open floor). I remember being amazed when I first went as I thought we were going to be taught steps! The first night I had one mind blowing moment after the other: I saw how my clubbing yearsĀ  had made me associate dancing with seduction and showing off, I found out that I could move my body in much better ways in my late 40s than in my 20s (because I inhabit my body more, but also because I care much less about what others think). I went home elated.

    This type of dancing is nothing like you may have experienced clubbing. There is no self consciousness, no judging, no “performance”. It’s simply a group of people who get together to move like their bodies want to. Jewel Mathieson’s sum “We have come to be danced” sums it up. This practise proved transformative for me whilst I was in the midst of a personal crisis. I discovered that this form of self-connection suits me better than being still. That I can move through feelings in minutes whilst moving my body through music, in what would take me 20 min or more of meditation.

    I attended the Friday night dance every week from October to March. When lockdown happened we carried on dancing with sessions run on zoom. I carried attending the sessions religiously during that time. I even signed up to an ongoing small group work with Freedom Dance teacher Alex Svoboda. I was dubious as to whether these would work online but they did. It wasn’t the same as face to face, but it was still powerful. In fact during lockdown I had a one to one session with Alex, when I was feeling stuck about the professional path ahead. Alex suggested I dance which element my professional past was, then my current path, then my future one. It was a truly mind blowing experience, and it shifted me out of being stuck instantly.

    When lockdown eased, small groups of us started meeting in the meadows near the river in Cambridge, and dance whilst streaming the live class on zoom with a speaker.Ā  I found it extraordinary on so many levels. Dancing to the setting sun with an owl flying on the background and the sky reflected on the river surface was magical. The small group meant that I got to know people really well, much quicker than I would have done in the large group that normally gathered indoors on a Friday night. Many of these people have become close friends.Ā  It also made chatting afterwards a lot more relaxed as we didn’t have to vacate a rented space by a certain time. We carried on dancing even when it became cold and dark, and sometimes wet, and it was still magical. There was a spiritual element to some of the gatherings, including ceremonies to celebrate the turning of the year. I realised that I had never been as in tune with the changing seasons at this year, and that it felt very good to be more connected to nature in this way. This week I also took part in the last event of the second small group Freedom Dance series I had taken part in, and I’ve already signed up for more. If this is something you have ever wanted to try, now you can participate with any teacher that you choose as online classes mean that the distance constraints are removed.

    The other practise that is majorly important to my wellbeing is year round swimming in the river. This year I swam a lot more regularly than before because the lockdown helped me with a shift of priorities. I gave myself a challenge to swim in 50 different swim spots before I turn 51, which has already led to some really cool swimming adventures, including swimming through Cambridge city centre twice, swooshing down a mile in the Ouse, and swimming in 6 different lakes whilst on holidays in France. I look forward to more swimming adventures.

    When lockdown eased, I started putting these practises in my diary as a priority over everything else, because I’d come to understand that they were not just “nice” things to do when I had time, but rather they were the foundation on which I built everything else. Next year I am planning to create an online course based to my experience to help others out of overwhelm.

    Work

    This year brought some great challenges in my work as a workshop facilitator and doula. Up until March I wasn’t in a particularly good place, so the announcement of the lockdown filled me with anxiety and dread, as well as fears for my little sole trader business. Interestingly, something had been preventing me from booking workshops. I had been putting it down to low mood and procrastination, but now that I look back it seems my intuition was on point. When lockdown came I only needed to cancel one workshop, which helped me not become overwhelmed with reorganisation and refunds etc.

    When lockdown happened I panicked thinking that I would not be earning any money at all. My main source of income was workshops, and I could no longer run those. I didn’t know whether I would still be able to work as a doula during lockdown. Yet the lockdown meant that I finished my book draft on time, and that first month when I thought I’d get nothing, I got the advance for the book from the publisher, which I hadn’t counted on. This was a nice, unexpected and reassuring surprise. Seeing small business owner friends struggle with no income also made me feel grateful that my husband still had part time salary.

    That theme of unexpected income carried on throughout the year. In April I got an unexpected last minute booking for a birth because this family could no longer have their relatives come to look after their older child. This birth (actually the only birth that I attended in person this year) was utterly wonderful, and gave me a lot of reassurance, as well as being a lovely reintroduction to birth work after a 6 month break. The lockdown and new rules, meaning only one birth partner was allowed in the hospital, brought new challenges to my doula work. Like many I had to adapt very quickly to move my support online. I was pleasantly surprised that it could still be very effective. Ā It did take some creativity, and I learnt a lot of new skills this year, for example teaching rebozo techniques on zoom, or learning to write and record custom relaxation scripts for clients in record time.

    There were moments of despair and utter frustration. Supporting women having their labour induced for days without the support of her partner or myself, or the lack of support in the postnatal ward, especially post caesarean, was hugely frustrating and stressful. In the summer I hit a particularly low moment when, having just finished to support such a long induction, I saw a woman I had supported has a doula 3 times already, walk alone to the hospital. I came home and told my husband I was done being a doula.

    But there were magical moments too. I learnt that I could still make a massive difference remotely and that my support was even more important in these challenging times. I was able to pull strings and help several couples achieve a wonderful births against many odds. I supported a lot of people over phone and video calls, and discovered to my surprise that it could still feel fulfilling. Recently I found out after supporting such a birth, that I felt just as opened energetically afterwards, the way I normally feel after being present.

    Whilst several couples, including repeat clients, got in touch but decided not to hire me as they didn’t see the point if I couldn’t be there in person, surprisingly many did still want to work with me despite the lack of guarantee that I could be present. In the end I was just as busy this year as the previous year. I have repeat clients booked for next year too. I still mentored new doulas, and I had the pleasure to support 4 doulas in completing their mentoring journey in 2020.

    Workshop wise this certainly was a very different year. In the past 3 years or so I usually taught at least a couple of workshops a month, travelling around the UK and sometimes abroad. This year I only taught 5 live workshops, and a couple of zoom ones. Whilst I did miss teaching, and especially when I returned in October after a 6 month long break, and realised how much I love teaching, I also feel that that the previous level of intense teaching is not longer suitable for who I am today.

    I had already planned to make 2 online courses based on my book. I signed up to Leonie Dawson’s course 40days to create and sell your ecourseĀ  (it’s fabulous, I love Leonie’s irreverent and empowering style, do get in touch if you’re interested to do this course, as Leonie has an affiliate scheme). I offered my upcoming courses to a group of early adopters and 85 people joined me on this journey. In parallel I had someone create me a new website with a built-in online course system. I also had some social media training, a logo, and some branding work done ready for the relaunch.

    When the new website was launched in November, Ā Ā I discovered that my existing rebozo online course hadn’t transferred across the new system properly. After a lot of stress I realised that rather than getting my web guy to fix it, it made sense to rebuild the course using the new system instead. This proved to be a godsend on several levels because not only did it meant that I got to grip with the new tech really quickly (I had been procrastinating), but I updated the course with new text, new pictures and branding, and added a quiz and automated certificate download at the end. Ā I was very proud of how the updated course worked and relaunched it in November, and I had more people sign up to this course in 2020 than in the 2 years since I launched it.

    I have finished creating the course for families based on my book, and I am 2/3rd of the way through uploading it on my website. I’m also about 1/3 of the way creating the second course for birthworkers, which will launch in the first quarter of next year. Once these are complete I have another 10 or so courses or so in the pipeline, as I want to make everything I teach available online.

    2020 saw the publication of my first book, Why Postnatal recovery matters. I finished the draft in April, and the book was published in July. I was incredibly proud when I received the first copies. I completely overwhelmed when I made it available to buy from me as all 80 copies I had sold within 24h and I hadn’t anticipated this! After a major flap as I tried to sign and post all the ordered copies the morning after the release, I realised this wasn’t possible, and went for a swim instead. Feeling much calmer, I ordered more books, reached out to a couple of experienced authors friends, who gave me great tips to on how sign such a large number of books in a way that still felt enjoyable. Since then I have signed, wrapped and posted close to 300 copies. When I asked a few weeks ago, the publisher told me that over 700 copies had been sold (though we won’t know the exact numbers until March next year). The book currently has 44 five star reviews on Amazon (if you’ve read it, I would love it if you could leave me a review here).

    I also wrote 6 press articles about the book in July. That was an interesting exercise, which took much of my time that month. Each article had to be written from a different angle, so after writing the first one, when I submitted the second the PR person told me I needed to rewrite it entirely as it was too similar to the first! I did get the hang of it eventually and can now add the ability to write press articles superfast to my list of skills. I did the book launch the book as a Facebook live. I was disappointed not to be able to have the real live launch at Pinter and Martin HQ in London, complete with glasses of bubbly. It didn’t feel as real, to do it on Facebook. However, I had a small gathering by the river with some close friends to celebrate the launch, complete with lovely food and a fire. Since the publication, articles about the book have been published in Juno and in the Green Parent magazine, andĀ  I have done 3 podcasts and 5 live interviews on Facebook and Instagram. I have also talked to a French publisher to get the book translated and published in France.

    As well as my book and all the press articles with it, I wrote 14 blog posts this year. Writing is one of aligned, flowing places. It makes me happy, it feeds my soul and I love knowing that my writing helps others.

    This year one of the major lessons I learnt in my work was that I do not have to work so hard, and that my income isn’t necessarily related to the amount of time I spend “working”. I used to think that I had to be at my computer from 9 to 5. This year has brought a lot more spaciousness and flexibility in the way I work and I am much happier for it.

    After doing an online course on to do list with productivity mentor Louise Miller,Ā  I’ve embarked on an amazing new group with her called Make it Happen. Louise’s approach towards goal setting and productivity is very much like being doulaed through a mindful, unique to yourself, goal setting process. It’s like having someone holding space for you to unfold in your own unique way. I am already certain that it will help me stay focused and balanced and in my happy place in the new year.

    This is what my year felt like. Stretched between gratitude and grief. But with more fulfilment and joy than ever before. I love the words of Francis Weller on the topic:

    ” The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? Thatā€™s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, Iā€™ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, Iā€™ll become saccharine and wonā€™t develop much compassion for other peopleā€™s suffering. Grief Ā keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”

    I will finish this post with my answer to The Big Questions, which I saw shared on Facebook by Arvigo teacher and wise woman Hilary Lewin. I thought some of you might find them helpful too.

    2020

    What was your greatest success in 2020?

    • Publishing my book

    What word or phrase sums up your experience of 2020?

    • Embody

    What was your best decision?

    • Prioritising time in nature.

    What was the greatest lesson you learnt?

    • That prioritising time in nature allows everything to flow from it

    What was the most loving service you performed?

    • Supporting families through birth and postpartum during the pandemic

    What is your biggest piece of unfinished business?

    • The online course based on my book

    What are you most happy about completing?

    • My book

    Who are the people who had the greatest impact on your life?

    • My friends from the local dance and swim community. And spiritual healers Rebecca Wright and Lee Harris.

    What was the biggest risk you took this year?

    • Trusting into things unfolding by themselves

    What was the biggest surprise?

    • That things worked out and that I did not have to work so hard.

    What important relationship improved the most?

    • The one with myself

    What else do you need to do or say in 2020?

    • Thank you

    2021

    What would you like your biggest triumph to be in 2021?

    • Launching my new work as a soul doula.

    What advice would you give yourself for 2021?

    • Trust in soul time.

    What major effort are you planning on to improve?

    • Finding balance between being focused and not trying to work too hard

    What would you be most happy about completing?

    • Having launched a course on accessing personal heart wisdom.

    What major indulgence do you want to experience?

    • Connection

    What are you looking forward to learning?

    • More about myself

    What might your biggest challenge be?

    • Not trusting that I’m doing enough

    What are you most committed to changing and improving?

    • Using my time wisely, not getting lost in urgent but not important tasks

    What is your as yet one undeveloped talent you are willing to explore?

    • Channelling

    What brings you joy and how will you have more of it?

    • Time in nature. I’m already putting it at the most important task in my diary

    What is your one word to carry you through 2021?

    • Alignment

     

    I’d love to hear if my experience resonates with you.

  • A little bit of background about rebozos and their use to support women

    A little bit of background about rebozos and their use to support women

    I was introduced to the art of using the traditional Mexican shawl called the rebozo back in 2013 when I attended a workshop by doula Stacia Smales Hill on rebozo use for labour and birth. During the same year I also attended a workshop by Dr Rocio Alarcon, who taught a postnatal massage technique called closing the bones, some elements of which included rocking and binding with a rebozo.

    Over the course of the following years I pursued my knowledge further by doing several more workshops with Rocio, and several other rebozo workshops with different focuses, such as the rebozo for labour progress and malposition with Selina Wallis, micromovements with Francoise Freedman, 2 different spinning babies with Jennifer Walker and Gail Tully, and a workshop on healing diastasis rectiĀ  with Birthlight which included many rebozo techniques.

    I am also a babywearing instructor, and as such use rebozos and wraps to carry babies too.

    As I started teaching workshops around closing the bones and rebozo work as well as babywearing, the incredibly versatile use of the cloth really blew my mind.

    As I met people through teaching, I constantly questioned people I met about their culture’s practises, I started to build a picture in my mind of something much more universal than the rebozo.

    It seems that every culture had a piece of cloth of some kind, call it a shawl, a sarong, a scarf, or a wrap.

    Whilst the rebozo is a traditional shawl from Mexico and some South American countries, I found that other cultures used different pieces of cloths in the same fashion.

    Cold countries often us thick, woollen fabrics (think Welsh Shawl or Scottish plaid), and warmer countries, cooler, thin, cotton fabric (think African Kanga or Indonesian Sarong).

    There are almost too many fabrics to count, but one thing is for sure, women have used all sorts of cloths in incredibly versatile ways, and what I’m going to say below about the rebozo is true for many other cultures too. It’s a truly universal practise.

    I spent a few years believing that the use of the rebozo during labour was uniquely South American but I have since met a Somalian midwife who told me how they use their traditional shawl, called a Garbasar, in a similar way during labour. Supporting a pregnant woman from the same country confirmed this, and in fact her mother even showed me how it is used to bind the abdomen post birth.

    I trained a Moroccan birth worker in doing closing the bones, and she was surprised when she started offering the massage that women came forward and told her they’d had a similar treatment in the local hammam (Steam bath/wet room) after birth (using a traditional Moroccan cloth called a Mendil).Ā  Tunisia offers a similar practise called a fouta massage (the fouta is a hammam towel, which is very similar in nature to the Turkish towel-it has become a very popular alternative to beach towels in France recently).

    I am lucky to be part of a multicultural family, being French and married to a man from Hong Kong. In Hong Kong I’ve been told they use a long piece of muslin cloth to bind the woman’s hips and abdomen after birth, and my mother in law showed me how the midwifes taught her to wrap her belly with a towel post birth.

    It’s also quite fascinating to see how contact with foreign cultures can influence each other. For example I recently acquired a Dutch postpartum girdle called a Sluitlaken. I couldn’t help but notice how similar to Indonesian postpartum binding it looks, then a friend pointed out than Holland used to have Indonesian colonies!

    So, what can you do with a rebozo (or a scarf of shawl)?

    Pretty much all cultures on the planet, some kind of cloth is used to cradle and carry a baby. In some cultures is used to rock and soothe the baby too. Rocking is such a primal rhythm we all experienced it in our mother’s womb, that we find it soothing all through our lives. Ā Even in Europe there are pictures of women wearing their babies in Welsh shawls which dateĀ from the 1940s.

    Later, when the baby grew into a toddler and child, she would use the cloth to dress up, pretend play (including carrying toys and/or animals, pretending to carry a baby), make a den etc.

    As the child grew into a young woman she would use the cloth as a shawl to keep warm, as a clothing accessory, a blanket, to carry siblings ( in traditional cultures women learn baby care from a very young age as they tend to live with extended families), and to carry loads on her back or head.

    Later still when she became a woman, she might have been given her own shawl as part of a menarche ceremony. She might have worn a special cloth on her wedding day.

    When she became pregnant, she would have used the shawl to support her belly, and her midwives would have used it to alleviate the aches and pains of pregnancy, and maybe to help the baby move into the best position for birth.

    During labour she would have used the shawl to hang from, to pull on, and her birth attendants would have used it to provide comfort measures, such as sifting, rocking, shaking, and wrapping.

    After the birth she would have had a “baby moon”. Again this is something pretty much universal in the world-women the world around have been alleviated from household tasks and cared for by family members for the first 30 to 40 days postpartum. During this time they would rest so they could recover from growing and birthing their baby and get to know their baby and learn to care for them. Her birth attendants and the community of women would have come to feed her nourishing food, and help her body heal from the pregnancy and birth by using Ā a combination of their hands, massage techniques and using the cloth to help move and bind her hips and abdomen to help them back into place. In the West we used to have this practise called “churching” whereby the new mother was expected to rest for a month before rejoining the community and be welcome back during a special blessing at the church (you can read about it here). The research I have done for my upcoming book “Why postnatal recovery matters” has also shown me that the rest AND the binding still used to be part of the UK culture, less than 70 years ago.

    She then would have start to use the cloth to carry her baby and start the cycle all over again.

    Later as she grew old, her family members would have used the cloth to rock and soothe aches and pain.

    Women would have been buried with their shawl using it as a shroud.

    So you see, a traditional cloth, rebozo, shawl or cloth can be used to support a woman throughout her whole life. It is a universal phenomenon on our planet.

    As the shawl came out of fashion and modern practises like using pushchairs became seen as more fashionable and desirable, this skill was soon lost, and because like most traditional women-only practises, it was just passed on orally rather than written about, the knowledge was lost very quickly, in one or two generations. We also tend to embrace “modern” practises mindlessly, seeing traditional ones as backwards and old fashioned.

    Mexican and Chinese friends tell me that nobody wants to use the traditional shawl or carrier these days as only remote farmers or beggars still use them.

    This is Ā something that we need to reclaim and teach all women, as it is part of the essence of women circles and supporting women through life transitions.

    This is why I am so passionate about passing this skills to both expectant and new mothers, and to anybody who works with expectant and new mothers. It is our birthright!

    You can learn more about the Rebozo and its many wonderful uses to support pregnancy, birth and the postpartum in my online rebozo course.

    (This is an updateĀ  from a blog I published originally in 2018)

    If you have found this blog helpful and would like to support my work and help me continue provide valuable free information to birthworkers and expectant and newborn families, you can donate to my paypal account paypal.me/SophieMessager.