Tag: coping skills

  • Energy hygiene for birth and perinatal professionals

    Energy hygiene for birth and perinatal professionals

    What is energy hygiene and why do you need it as a birthworker?

    Please don’t let the “woo” undertone of this title put you off and read on because I am going to try and explain it in a way that is hopefully both meaningful and helpful for those of you who aren’t used to dealing with energy work.

    Let me start by making an analogy. As a doula (and I’m sure you do the same whether you are a doula, a midwife, an antenatal or postpartum educator or a therapist who work with expectant, birthing and postnatal families), I naturally use a certain level of physical hygiene. Before interacting with a family, I make sure I’m clean. For example, I wash my hands before touching a newborn or before entering a ward in the hospital. So this is the part of the hygiene where I make sure that I protect the families I look after against any germs I may be carrying.

    During the actual process, during birth for example, most of the time I do not feel the need to apply extra hygiene measures, however I may choose to wear gloves whilst cleaning bodily fluids, or give my hands an extra thorough wash after dipping them in birthing pool water. By doing this, I protect myself again germs that may be carried by the people I look after.

    Finally, when I get home from a birth, or from visiting the hospital or a new family,  I also clean myself appropriately. After a long hospital birth, for example I always put all my clothes straight in the wash and usually have a shower or bath. This is about my own comfort and well being, as well as protecting myself and my family (i.e. trying to limit bringing hospital germs back into my home for example).

    Of course, all of these practises are something I do without even thinking about it, and they are also adapted to the levels of risk and vulnerability of the clients I am supporting, both in the way I protect them (disclosing to clients that one of my children or another client’s child has come down with an illness for example), and the way I protect myself (choosing to wear gloves to clean up).

    I bet you do it too, especially if you are a health professional or therapist. These basic hygiene measures will have been drilled into you. And you don’t even think about it anymore.

    For a long time I thought of energy hygiene as a long and complex task that I just couldn’t do (a bit like I used that I couldn’t do meditation because I thought this required to think of nothing (if you still believe this watch this fantastic animation about it)

    But various experiences made me dabble more and more into techniques of energy hygiene. It boils down to 3 aspects: Grounding, Cleansing and Protection. Good energy hygiene didn’t have to be complicated, because intention is key and the principles are the same as with physical hygiene.

    But before I go into this, let me explain about bit about what I mean about energy, and energy work.

    The human body (and all living things) emits an electromagnetic energy field. This can be measured scientifically with electrodes for example. But the field produces energy that also goes beyond the physical body. Traditional medicines like the Chinese and Indian medicine have a deep understanding of these energetic systems and how they affect health and wellbeing. The organ that produces the biggest, most measurable electromagnetic field is our heart, and its electromagnetic field can be used to communicate between people. The institute of HeartMath has some cool science on this.

    The tricky bit for us Westerners is our current medical view of the human body doesn’t acknowledge the existence of such an energy field, so it can be difficult to understand, or to believe in. Yet, everything in our world is made of particles and energy. A friend once told me “if you believe in quantum physics, you believe in Reiki”.

    Interestingly, even the most sceptical among us have felt energy. We have all felt stuff like the gaze of someone behind us, feeling really good or really uneasy somewhere for no apparent reason, or that when someone walked into a room, the room instantly felt uplifted, or the opposite, the room felt suddenly heavy and uncomfortable.

    Energy work can simply be summarised by saying that every time we interact with someone, we exchange energy. Whether we are mindful of it or not. So coming back to the physical hygiene analogy, we bring our own energy to the table, and so do everybody we interact with. Therefore the same rules of cleansing and protection apply on both sides.

    As birthworkers and healers, we need to make sure we’re as clean as possible, that we protect our clients and ourselves, and clean ourselves again when the work is done. When we get that close to people, especially in the birth space, where massive energetic shifts  are taking place, then energy hygiene is essential, for the same reasons as physical hygiene is essential.

    So whether you teach a class, do massage or healings, attend births or support families after birth, anything that involves getting close to other people who are in a state of flux energetically and/or in a vulnerable state, then you need to apply the same principles.

    First, keep your own energy clean. Don’t bring your own shit to the table. As a doula, if I have some personal challenge going on, I do to mention it to my clients. Similarly, I try to leave my own energetic crap at the door. Grounding yourself will help with this (more about that later). So be mindful about protecting the people you work with, and make sure you’re as clean as possible.

    Second, protect yourself. Everybody you interact with will bring their own energetic state to the space, and like for physical hygiene, some people are clean and full of positive energy and some people aren’t. You don’t want to catch the energy issues of others.

    Third, when the work is done, be sure to cleanse yourself again.

    So how can you do this?

    It’s quite easy, because it is all about the power of visualisation and intention.

    Grounding is the earthing of our own energy to the energy field of the Earth. Again some cool science behind earthing-we know that earthing helps people heal a lot faster, having measurable effects on inflammation, the immune response, wound healing, and prevention and treatment of chronic inflammatory and autoimmune diseases. One of my two favourite ways to ground myself are the tree meditation, and walking barefoot on the grass. Super simple an quick, and they work!

    The tree meditation goes like this: stand up, close your eyes, give your body and mind a quick scan (how do you feel etc). Then imagine that you are a tree. Visualise the tree in as many details as you can. Then, with each out breath, imagine that you are growing your roots deep into the earth. That’s it! do this for a couple of minutes, then scan yourself again. Be prepared to be amazed at the difference!

    Protecting yourself is a simple as visualising some kind of protection system around you. Find something that work for you, because in my experience if the visualisation isn’t your bag it’s harder to visualise. Some people picture a bubble (including one with a reflective surface), some see some kind of suit or cloak, or shield, etc . As you visualise your protection recite in your head what you want it to do (for example, to stop any negative energy from coming in but letting positive energy circulate both in and out). If the idea of the bubble appeals to you, you could try listening to this guided meditation.

    Again it’s interesting to experiment how you might feel before and after a protection visualisation!

    Cleansing can be done by grounding yourself again, whilst visualising all unwanted energies flowing into the earth works well. Walking barefoot on the grass/the earth is a quick and powerful way to ground and cleanse. You can also try and visualise whatever works for you as a way to sever the energetic links you will have made with all the people encountered that day and that you no longer need. It could be just visualising something like a shower or waterfall cleaning you, seeing the energies flow down into the earth, visualising scissors or other cutting implements actively cutting the ties you no longer need. Again intention is key, and so is finding a visual tool that speaks to you.

    Another nice way to cleanse your energy is to smudge yourself with sacred herbs (sage is a classic, and there are many other. I personally love Palo Santo) or an essential oil spray made with cleansing intention (or you can buy a ready made one).

    There are many many other ways to practise these energy hygiene techniques,  and like the physical hygiene techniques, you may feel drawn to activate some of them depending on your circumstances and what you feel the need to do in a particular situation. For example, I often feel the need to add a layer of protection to  myself on crowded public transport like the subway in London. Similarly I may feel the need to ground myself more than usual after teaching a bit group, after providing a healing session, or to cleanse my house after doing a healing in my space.

    If you’re a Reiki practitioner, then there are all sorts of ways you can use the Reiki energy for grounding, protection and cleansing, depending on your intention (and specifically, if you’re trained at level 2 you can use the Chokurei Symbol for both empowerment, protection and clearing negative energies).

    So in a nutshell, energy hygiene is healthy and necessary, and actually simple and easy to do! Give it a try and see what difference it makes to your life.

  • Rebozo video class-how to use a rebozo for pregnancy, birth and beyond

    Rebozo video class-how to use a rebozo for pregnancy, birth and beyond

    I did a live video class this week on how to use a rebozo shawl to support yourself and your clients through pregnancy, labour and birth, the postnatal period and beyond. Here is it 🙂

    Play

  • Why being a doula is a zen-like practice

    As I have moved from learning to teaching, I have always been blown away by how much deeper one’s knowledge becomes when you start to teach something to others, rather than just using it for yourself.

    I recently became a doula mentor.

    As I support new doulas through their journeys, of course this too is deepening my understanding of what being a doula is all about.

    As a new doula and I discussed the process of supporting a couple through the beginning of their labour, it suddenly dawned on me:

    Being a doula is a zen-like practice.

    Why?

    There are many reasons.

    The first one is that birth, by essence, is totally unpredictable.

    You don’t know when labour will start.

    You don’t know how long it will last.

    You don’t know how it will unfold.

    So just like giving birth requires you to surrender to the process, being a doula too requires the doula to surrender to the unpredictability of childbirth.

    This means that, for an ex control freak like me, it is the ultimate lesson in letting go of control and acceptance of “what is”.

    In the early days of my doula journey I was so excited, bright eyed and bushy tailed about attending births, that I never gave this much thought.

    Five years and many births later, I have achieved a certain state of acceptance and relaxation that allows me to cope with the unpredictability in a much more relaxed manner.

    First, there is the on-call period. The time around the “due date” (we should really call it a “guess date”), during which my phone never leaves my side, and sits on my beside table at night. As I have young children this requires a lot of organisation and backup plans for the “just in case” scenarios. For example, right now I am waiting for a client to go into labour and my husband is abroad for a week, so I have a couple of doula friends also on call for me, just in case I need to call them at 3 am to come to my house and mind my children (I look forward to the time when my kids are old enough so they no longer need childcare). Similarly, my social life is on hold, I can’t drink alcohol, and I am never far away from home (If you want to find out more about what being on call entails, I have written about this here and here, and I really like doula Lindsey Middlemiss’s view on the topic too).

    Becoming a doula is a calling, something that women do out of passion, not motivated by money. Yet the unpredictability and the intensity of this time, the on call, requires a certain zen state of mind, in order to be able to cope with the intensity of that period. Many doulas give up after a few years. Fellow doulas who have been doulaing for more than 10 years, such as London doula Lauren Mishcon, tell me they can count on one hand which of their colleagues who started at the same time as them are still doulaing.

    And when I say unpredictability I don’t just mean waiting for the labour to starting within the 4 to 5 weeks window between 37 and 42 weeks. This is long enough by any means but I have had many experiences outside this window.

    Take for example the client who stayed pregnant until 43 weeks had passed. Or the one whose waters broke at 34 weeks, followed by a speedy labour. Or the one who unexpectedly went into labour (thankfully, easily and quickly) at 37 weeks, 48h before I was due to attend my mum’s 70’s birthday abroad. Or the client who texted me with signs of early labour a month early when I was hours drive away, committed to teaching a course and just couldn’t come home (she waited for me to return, thankfully). Or the week-end when 3 different clients, with 3 completely different due dates, where all threatening to go into labour at the same time (they ended up birthing a week apart-one was late, one was on time, one was very early). Or the time a fellow doula called me on Christmas day to ask if I could attend the beginning of the labour of her client who had unexpectedly gone into labour 6 weeks early-the doula is question was over 6 hour’s drive away.

    As I reflect on how far I have come since I started doulaing, I remind myself that in the early days of my doula career, I didn’t even dare bake a cake in case my client called whilst it was baking. I had since learnt that, with a few rare exceptions of extremely speedy labours, with most labours you get plenty of warning and time to get all your ducks in a row. These days I seem to take a lot more in my stride, and things which would sent me into a frienzed state of stress barely raise my heartbeat.

    I also bow to the doula community, which is incredible when it comes to supporting a sister in need in times like these!

    Second there is the early labour. For a first time mother, this may last many hours, and when I am asked by parents or mentees when should their doula join them, my answer is always the same : when they need her.

    During this stage of labour, everybody is at home, even couples planning a hospital birth, because hospitals tend to send you back home if labour hasn’t become established yet. Some couples just let you know that they are in labour and don’t require your support yet. So you just sit there knowing that you may be called anytime, and it might be a short time or it might be hours, or even more than a day for you to wait. In the early days I was very twitchy during this time, not knowing what to do with myself. I remember a particular time when a couple’s waters had gone earlier that day, and I didn’t dare go to bed in case they called. My husband found me trying to snooze fully dressed on the sofa and marched me to get into my pj’s and to bed. I’m so glad he did, because they didn’t get into labour until the next day at lunchtime!

    Now I treat this period like a pre-marathon and just chill, meditate, watch soppy films and eat nice food, whilst I wait for the call that I am needed. Recently I even sang in a concert with my choir whilst clients were in early labour. It was lovely, because it really energised me for the long birth that followed (interestingly they called asking me to join them the minute I got home from the concert). Many first time couples welcome the reassuring presence of their doulas in the background during this stage, however, even though they may be coping fine by themselves and not actually need you in the same room, knowing that you are in the house help them feel safer. So I have spent many early labours sleeping in the spare room, dozing on the sofa, or simply sitting down reading a book whilst their laboured in another room.

    Again there is a big element of acceptance. Supporting labouring couples is all about what the couple needs, not what the doula needs. This can be hard sometimes. You can be eager to be with them, and they don’t need you there yet, so you just sit there, chomping at the bit. They might say we’ll text you in a couple of hours, and they don’t, and you worry about them, and wonder when it is appropriate to contact them again. They might ask you to go home when you’d rather stay. I once had a couple asked me to wait outside their hospital room for several hours, they needed to be on their own for a while, this was a couple of years into my doulaing and I was totally fine with it, but earlier on I know I would be been really eager to be in the room with them and it would have been frustrating.

    As you can see, there is a lot of patience involved, and there is a lot of acceptance of “what is”. And there is no space for ego. It’s not about you.

    There is a saying in the doula world that doulas are about being, not doing. And it can indeed be challenging to wait “doing nothing” whilst you wait for a couple to ask you to join them. Except you aren’t doing nothing, you are holding space for them (read about that here), even if you aren’t actually physically present, and this space holding is the most important part of our support.

    During the birth itself, time seems to assume an unusual loose pattern, and there is something about being there during that process that feels unique and amazing-like time stands still and you are really “in the moment”, you don’t think about anything else or feel you ought to be somewhere else or doing something else. It feels like some kind of amazingly deep meditative process.

    Later on when labour becomes established, there are other aspects still, which require us to have a very flexible attitude.

    Labour can take a long time. The shortest time I have been present was about 6h (the birth was only 3h long-but doulas always stay after the birth to make sure you’re well and settled and help you feed your baby for the first time etc). The longest time I have supported a birth was 4 days (I have written a blog about How to survive along birth as a doula ) .

    Labour can also be surprisingly faster than expected. I have missed a few births, when things happened so fast the mother didn’t realise this was really labour until she started to push, so they only called me after the baby was born. Again now I am quite philosophical about it because deep down I know that things happened the way they were meant to. But missing a birth is always a sad thing for a doula. There is some grief involved in the process.

    These days I do a lot of shared care work, because of my teaching commitments. This means I work in a team with another doula to support a client. This has many advantage, not least the ability to lean onto a doula sister during the whole process, and being able to tag team through a long birth. This is the ultimate lesson is letting go of one’s ego, because, sometimes, the mother develops a deeper relationship with one of the doula team, and choses to call only one of us even when the other is available. Sometimes I only support from afar whilst my co-doula attends the birth.

    Many things can happen which makes the birth plan veer off course. And when this happens, we have to keep calm and help the couple navigate these as best as we can. I have written before about how difficult it can be for a doula when birth don’t end up the way the parents had hoped. We becoming very emotionally invested in our clients, and when they are sad, we hurt too.

    I have also learnt the hard way not to have expectations. The universe has a knack of teaching us the lessons we need to learn, and for me it has been trying hard not to have expectations about what might happen one way or another. It’s kind of difficult not to, especially when this isn’t a first time labour. With first time labours, I have learnt to expect something long (anything between 24h and 48h), so if it’s shorter I am pleasantly surprised. But with mothers who have given birth before, it’s difficult not to have expectations based on what their first birth was like. Yet every birth is totally unique.  So for example when a client of mine birthed early with baby number 2, I expected baby number 3 to be early too. But no, he was born 2 weeks past the due date. I also had a client whose first birth had been relatively quick, but her second birth was a lot longer. I didn’t cope very well with it at first, because of my expectations. I also had a client whose second labour had a lull, and she got sent home from the hospital, again this wasn’t what I expected. So now I give myself a mental kick up the arse when I catch myself having any expectations.

    The final lesson doulaing has taught me is that everybody is different, unique, and full of unexpected quirks.

    I didn’t grasp this in the same way prior to becoming a doula.

    It fits in the “don’t have expectations” category too, because every time I think I have sussed someone out, they do or say something completely out of character.

    Like the woman who plans a homebirth but then decides to have an elective cesarean instead.  Or the one who was scared of birth and planned to go to hospital as soon as possible, but then decides to stay at home during her labour.

    This is also one of the reasons doulas have to be so adaptable. If we are to support a birthing woman and her partner the best way possible, we need to change and adapt really fast as a moment’s notice, like a chameleon.

    So these are all the reasons why doulaing is like a zen practise.

    We don’t know when things are going to happen, how they are going to happen, what will happen and how long it will last. Yet we manage to stay calm, grounded and hold the space through it all.

     

    If this resonates with you and you feel drawn to working with me, head over here if you’re a birthworker and here if you’re an expectant or new mother.

  • Why it’s important to sit with the pain

    Why it’s important to sit with the pain

    I have just supported another long birth, one that didn’t end up the way the parents were hoping for.

    I always find myself raw and open after supporting such a birth.

    As a doula I become so emotionally invested in supporting the parents, when thing don’t go the way they had hoped for, I feel sad and powerless.

    So usually I sit with that feeling, and I leave my heart cracked open for a few days.

    Because I need to sit with it, to honour it to absorb it to process it.

     

    This poem from Michael Leunig sums up exactly how I feel:

    “When the heart
    Is cut or cracked or broken
    Do not clutch it
    Let the wound lie open
    Let the wind
    From the good old sea blow in
    To bathe the wound with salt
    And let it sting.
    Let a stray dog lick it
    Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
    A simple song like a tiny bell
    And let it ring
    Let it go.
    Let it out.
    Let it all unravel.
    Let it free and it can be
    A path on which to travel.”

    It’s taken me several years to understand this process. At first when I experienced this feeling I felt bereft and I tried to “fix” it.  I discussed it with friends who suggested various self-care tools. And yes, whilst self care is an important part of the process, so is sitting with the pain and the discomfort. I have learnt to make peace with it, welcome it even.

     

    I have the skills to heal myself, and yet every time this happens, I choose not to for a few days, because I feel I have to sit with the raw feeling for a while so I can process it and learn from it.

    Sitting with the feeling helps me I am going to reflect on what I was meant to learn from the experience.

    I have an appointment booked to see a bodyworker friend who knows how to reset my nervous system after a birth. I often sob on the massage couch and I also often get the most amazing insight as I do so.

    So I guess my message is, look after yourself (I have written about self-care before here ,  and also about how I use Reiki to manage my energy and those of others in the birth room-you can read about this here), but do not necessarily rush to do so, because you may miss out on insight if you do.

    If you feel drawn to sit with the pain for a while then there is probably a reason why you’re meant to do so.

     

  • How to survive a long birth as a doula

    How to survive a long birth as a doula

    When I started working as a doula, one of my biggest fears was: how will I survive the sleep deprivation of a long birth?

    The universe was kind to me, because my first birth was a text book, 12h long easy birth centre water birth, I came back elated and full of joy!

    And overall, during my first year as a doula, I never had a marathon birth.

    True I supported a birth that lasted 2 nights, but as the labour ebbed and flowed and we were at home for the longest part of the labour, I managed to have naps and even went home for a couple of hours, so I wasn’t beyond exhaustion.

    My first marathon birth happened about a year into my doulaing. My client waters broke with no contractions, she declined induction. So before labour started, there were a couple of interrupted nights with phone calls etc, until I eventually joined her at home 2 days later. This was followed by 40h of labour-spanning a whole week-end and 2 sleepless nights.

    I had no idea that I needed to pace myself. I had no idea inductions could last this long (I know now!), so the first night I didn’t sleep at all, and the second day I didn’t function very well at all.

    I had no idea until then how lack of sleep affects your mood for the worse. When after about 24h (it was in the middle of night) the midwife announced that she was only 4cm dilated, I had to go into another room to cry, and I beat myself up for it.

    I had no idea moods ebbed and flowed and that after the dark night of the soul (usually around 3/4 in the morning when your body temperature is at its lowest), my mood and energy would lift again.

    I had no idea I should make sure I ate and drank at regular intervals.

    I was pretty crap at looking after myself.

    By the second day I was falling asleep on the chair I was sitting on without even meaning to. And whilst I waited for them in recovery, I fell asleep on a trolley.

    When I got home after the birth, and had slept for 12h, I still felt very crap and also very weepy and again didn’t understand this was just caused by the tiredness (I felt OK about the birth).

    Since then I have attended many long births (though none were I was present for quite as long as this one). One year pretty much all the births I attended were between 24h and 37h long-which is pretty standards for first time mothers.

    So what I have learnt, and how do you look after yourself during a marathon birth as a doula? (I wrote this for my doula colleagues, but if you’re a birth partner, much of it applies too!)

    First, talk to the parents about it antenatally, so you don’t feel guilty worrying they’ll think you’re a crap doula when you take a nap. I explain (especially with first time parents) that first time births can take anything between 24h and 48h and that’s normal, and I talk about how to manage the early stages (basically try to ignore it until you can’t). I also explain that I will take naps in order to be at my best to support them, and I’ll also encourage dad to sleep too (we can tag-team). If you can’t sleep, doing some relaxation/meditation/deep breathing/ being quiet in the corner for a while will help as well.  This is well worth practising ahead of time as you get better at it the more you do it. And if you’re trained in energy work, like Reiki, a self treatment can really help.

    Second-pace yourself. I might go to reassure the parents in early labour, then go home, or sleep on their sofa/their spare room, during the early stages of labour. I’m also more relaxed and much better as waiting than I was in the early days-but I guess some of that just comes with experience. The good thing is, I’ve learnt to doze and sleep pretty much anywhere. It’s much easier in someone’s home by the way, where there is soft furnishing. If in the hospital, I might ask for a mat and curl up and sleep on it for a while. I fold my rebozo and use that as a pillow, and I have a nice warm shawl to use as a blanket in my bag to cover myself with. I never turn down the opportunity for a little sleep, because it can be difficult to guess how long I am likely to be there for, so I would rather prepare for the long run just in case (and mentally it’s easier to be prepared for this and then be pleasantly surprised than the other way round). Even a 20 min catnap can make a huge difference!

    Third-stay hydrated/fed. Make sure you have good nutritious snacks in your bag. Junk food won’t cut it. I have a collapsible water bottle which I fill as soon as I arrive in hospital (hospitals are very dehydrating) and I chuck a rehydration tablet in there too (I like the brand Nuun). I have some good quality nuts/dried fruit and energy bars. And some dark chocolate, and good quality instant coffee (instant coffee in hospital is vile)! Oh and when I get really tired I drink some Guronsan (a French effervescent tablet made from caffeine, sugar and vitamin C-you can buy it in the UK too. I guess it’s a bit like red bull but in a much more portable format). I also have a couple of energising rollon essential oil bottles and sprays-made by 2 doulas I love, when I use them it feels like they are kind of with me in the room giving me a hug (you can get them here). If you get the chance to go grab any kind of proper food (for me, getting something hot like soup etc hits the spot) during the birth-do that!

    Fourth-Look after your body, do some stretches, go for a walk, get some fresh air. If the birth is going on for a very long time, I get cabin fever. So going to the toilet and splashing water on my face (I go to the outside toilet even if there is an ensuite for example, so I get to stretch my legs), going for a walk,  getting  a cup of coffee (I encourage the dad to do this too), can leave you feeling refreshed. Similarly, my rebozo has also come to great use to soften stiff shoulder muscles when I have been in the same position for a long time (see my video on how to do that here)

    Fifth-be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, accept the low moods when they come (they will!), because berating yourself will waste precious energy. You’re only human and you are doing the best you can and making a huge deal of difference by just being there. If you need to exit to have a good cry, do (the toilet is a good place for that). If you can call a doula sister for a pep talk, do that.

    And finally, sometimes I worked in a shared care team with another doula-it can be absolutely priceless to be able to tag team if the birth goes on for a really looooong time.

    Remember-this isn’t selfish, because you cannot be your best at supporting parents through a long birth if you’re dehydrated, starving and exhausted. I also find it really useful to explain this to partners antenatally, because they too, tend to be crap at self care whilst supporting their partners through labour, and to worry that they are being selfish if they need a break/some food/a nap etc.  By explaining this and modelling this behaviour, we help them too.

    So there you go, my guide to surviving long births. It’s quite simple really. This is what works for me so far, it doesn’t mean that it necessarily will be what works for you-do experiment and find out! I would love to hear tips from others too 🙂

    If this resonates with you and you’d like to work with me-head over here 

     

    PS: A comment also reminded me-although this is more likely to be the topic of the next post below, that if you are seriously sleep deprived-do try to make safe choices as to whether you are able to drive home or not.

    PS: This is only half of the story-I’m planning another post called “How to recover after a long birth as a doula”