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Sophie Messager

Tag: support

  • The buffet curator: an analogy for doula work

    The buffet curator: an analogy for doula work

    Imagine you were going to a buffet restaurant in a foreign country, and that you had no idea what the foods on offer tasted like, or what the dishes contained.

    Imagine that you didn’t speak or read the language

    Imagine that you had your own dietary restrictions, such as being vegetarian, or being gluten free, or allergic to nuts.

    Imagine that the buffet restaurant was this enormous place, with more than a hundred dishes on offer.

    Imagine that, as you started queuing in front of the dishes, that people kept moving in front of the dishes, and that you knew people behind you would become impatient if you didn’t move.

    Wouldn’t you feel stressed? Wouldn’t you worry that you are going to pick the wrong dishes, some that you will not like, or that could cause you a major allergic reaction?

    Now imagine if you had a guide, someone who knew the restaurant and all the dishes in it.

    Imagine if, because you even entered the restaurant, your guide had taken the time to find out about your needs, made sure they understood what you wanted (and didn’t want), and then explained to you which dishes you would be able to choose from. Imagine that they had even gone and asked the chef which dishes were safe for you to eat. What if the guide could even ask the chef to prepare a different dish especially for you? How much safer and enjoyable would the experience be?

    This is what a doula can and will do for you, as you enter the maze of choices that pregnancy, birth and the postpartum bring. The many options, including ones you didn’t even know existed. The conflicting advice you find on every single topic.

    A doula is like your own buffet curator. As your doula gets to know you, your unique needs and preferences, she can sift through the many options available to you and present you with a curated list of options which you can pick from.

    You doula cannot pick the dishes for you, only you can do that, but having the list tailored to your needs might save you a lot of time and stress.

    A doula then walks the path with you, supporting you along the way and always being available to any questions as you choose, and get to decide what’s right for you. You even can change your mind at any point! Imagine how empowering this feels?

    If this resonates with you and you would like to work with me, you can find out more about the education and support I provide for families and birthworkers in the form of one to one support, and online courses.

  • Ten reasons to hire a doula even if she cannot be physically present during your birth

    Ten reasons to hire a doula even if she cannot be physically present during your birth

    What’s the point of having a doula if she cannot be present physically during the birth? Aren’t doulas just mostly hired for their supporting presence during that special time?

    Honestly when lockdown started in 2020 and hospitals in the UK introduced restrictions to one birth partner only, I asked myself the same question. I asked myself this question because despite having worked as a doula for over 8 years I had almost no experience of supporting labour remotely. I was utterly dismayed when I found out that I was no longer welcome in the hospital along the families I was already committed to supporting. Yet over the last 10 months, whilst I didn’t attend many births in person, I acquired a wealth of knowledge and experience in providing incredibly different forms of support in the forever changing rules in and out of lockdown. One thing that never changed for me locally is that my local hospital never relaxed the one partner only rule (I know that other hospitals in the country did things differently).

    Interestingly, many couples still choose to hire me for support despite knowing that I may not be able to be present at their birth. I am already booked for several different families in 2021, and including some repeat clients. I’m totally honest with people and explain from the onset that it is unlikely that I’ll be able to be physically present during their birth, unless they birth at home. But in these challenging and unpredictable times, having the support of a doula can still make a world of positive difference to your experience of pregnancy, birth and the postpartum. I’ll make a separate blog post for postnatal doulaing after this one.

    So what difference can a doula make even if she cannot be there with you at the birth?

    • 1) Antenatal education and birth choices

    In the extra challenging situation that lockdown and changing hospital policies bring, having someone to help you navigate your options is more important than ever. As your doula, I have an in depth knowledge of my local hospital policies, often being aware of policy change before members of the public. A doula can help you prepare for the unexpected and help you create birth plan that cover every possible eventuality that may present itself. It’s something doulas have always done, and I wrote a blog post called Why you may want to have a plan C (for cesarean) in your birth preferences.

    • 2) Emotional support

    Having someone you have gotten to know and trust, and who is always available at the end of the phone or email when you feel the need for support is even more important than before. In most trust there is no named midwife or a person you can contact directly within the health system at the best of times, but since March 2020, with the stretched NHS, this has become worse. Several of my clients said they left messages with weren’t returned. Just having someone you know you can call and talk to when you’ve worried about anything during your pregnancy, birth and the postnatal period, can make a world of difference to your wellbeing.

    • 3) Knowledge and information

    As before the pandemic, access to knowledge and information is a big part of doula support. There is a whole maze of information to navigate! Where will you have your baby, what kind of birth do you want, what if you cannot get your preferred choice, what are your rights, what’s the scientific evidence behind what you are being offered, what is right for you, yours and your family’s unique circumstances? I can help you access a whole network of people, from other health professional to complementary practitioners outside of the NHS, from osteopaths to complementary therapists to breastfeeding professionals.

    I supported a family who wanted to have a VBAC (Vaginal birth after cesarean). They wanted to be in the local birth centre but had been told this wasn’t possible. They weren’t based in Cambridge, but through my network of birth workers, I obtained the details of the consultant midwife at their local hospital. They had a meeting with her and got granted access to the birth centre. They had a beautiful empowering waterbirth there.

    I also supported a woman who was facing an induction of labour that she didn’t want or felt was justified. We had a chat over the phone and I reminded her of her rights to choose, ahead of a meeting with her consultant. I received a very grateful email afterwards explaining that she had felt much calmer and confident going into the meeting thanks to our chat, and that the meeting had gone very well. She went into labour naturally.

    • 4) Practical support

    I am skilled in many support techniques that can help make your pregnancy, labour and birth, and postpartum period more comfortable. I can teach them to you, or signpost you to someone who can support you if you aren’t local to me.

    In 2020 several of my clients had breech babies, I was able to teach positional and rebozo breech turning techniques via video calls (I became very good at using a tripod to hold my device, and at contorsioning myself to demonstrate positions!) or in person. I was also able to signpost them to osteopaths who helped balance the pelvis so the baby had more chances to turn, or to acupuncturists who taught them how to do moxibustion. I also helped to access the information to help them decide whether having the baby turned manually (known as an external cephalic version) with an obstetrician was the right choice for them, as well as what would happen during the procedure/

    • 5) Labour preparation

    I can help you be prepared for what do expect during labour and birth, and decide what kind of comfort measures you’d like to use, and explore their pros and cons. I can teach you such comfort measures so you are feeling prepared and confident, even when I’m not physically present.

    In 2020 I started writing custom relaxation scripts to help with things from promoting relaxation and confidence, to help turn a breech baby, to help labour start when due date had passed and an induction date was looming. I recorded myself as I lead expectant parents through those scripts and sent them the recording to listen to. One couple reported that they went into labour after listening to the “overdue” relaxation script I had sent them over and over again, and that the mother went into labour despite the pressures of the looming induction and had a very straightforward birth.

    As well as teaching you some of the many comfort and relaxation measures for labour I know, I can teach the ones that suit you to your partner. This means that your partner will feel more confident in supporting you, that the two of you can work better together, and that you are both likely to have.

    • 6) In person Labour support

    As a doula, I’m still able to provide in person support in early labour at the couple’s home. This means that I can come and support you when labour starts, and help you feel comfortable, confident and safe. This means that you do not have to worry about when it is the right time to go to the hospital (or call the midwife if you’re having a homebirth). This means that there is a reassuring presence in the background. It can help both you and your partner feel much calmer and safe. It means that you are more likely to have a straightforward experience, especially if this is your first baby and you do not know what to expect or what is normal.

    All hospitals still allow one partner, and I have supported families who chose to have me being present at the birth in the hospital, for example if the partner had to stay at home to care for older children.

    • 7) Remote labour support

    Because we will have gotten to know each other well, you’ll have come to trust me and feel safe with me. By the time you are in labour, knowing that there is something you can call at any hour of the day or night, and that I will be there

    As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog, I was myself unsure of what difference I could make remotely. I was pleasantly surprised to find that I could still make a world of difference during labour.

    I could join couples at home in early labour, I could be there on the phone or video calls in early or later labour. Because I had prepared the partner with extra techniques, when they called me describing a stall in labour, I was able to guide them through specific rebozo techniques designed to help resolve such issues with great success. I was still able to provide advocacy and help people navigate their options.

    During a birth in 2020, a partner called me as labour had stalled and there were talks of moving to theatre. As I had taught him some of the most useful labour dystocia resolving techniques I know. After asking him a few specific questions I suggested a couple of positional and rebozo techniques. The baby was born vaginally 40 min later. Another partner called me telling me that his wife had been pushing for 2h, and that due to arbitrary limits on pushing duration from the hospital, transfer to the delivery unit was being strongly suggested. He asked if they could refuse. After asking if both mother and baby were well, I reminded him that it was their decision to make. The baby was born in the birth centre pool 20 min later.

    A challenging time last year was when I had to watch a woman that I had previously supported as a doula 3 times before, walk into the hospital alone for her planned cesarean birth (my local trust currently only allows partners in the ward as they go into theatre, so the mother is alone in the antenatal ward until she gets called to go to theatre). I went to meet her in front of the hospital. I thought I hadn’t made a difference but later one she said “It definitely helped to still have you as my doula in lockdown as it was really lovely and comforting to know you were just at the end of the phone for a chat or advice. It was also lovely to see you outside the hospital before I went in, and to talk to you in the evening about the birth”.

    Zelle the doula shared this account of supporting a birth over the phone (you can read the whole story here)

    “It feels like she’s wrenched the phone out of her husband’s hand, as her eyes lock on to mine “Zelle!” she breathes as a surge crashes like wave over her “Zelle-I-really-need-an-epidural” she scrunches her face up “I can’t CAN’T do thissss”. I am calm. An even tone. The bit I wish I was there for, because I would stroke her hair out of her face and be gentle with her poor tired body and be slow and gentle and grounding. I have to do it all with my voice instead. “A,” I say. “You are so strong. You are magnificent. This is transition, that hard bit we talked about. This feeling will leave.” I’m conscious of the fact the adrenaline will kick in momentarily. ” You know what to do. Your body knows this. You’ve been in labour a *long* time. It’s a lot of hard work. There’s no shame in an epidural if you want one. But you’re wrong on one point, A, you CAN do this. I completely believe with every fibre of my being that you can do this. I believe in you.” She shoves the phone back in to her husband’s hand. “I CAN do this!” she breathes. I am so proud I wipe tears away.”

    • 8) Navigating the unexpected

    If anything happens during pregnancy, birth or the postpartum you can rest assured that I will be there to help you navigate the situation. From labour starting early or labour, or a sudden diagnostic of a medical situation which changes your birth choices, I have supported these kinds of scenarios for the last 8 years and I know how much of a difference it makes to have someone by your side to help you find out how to make the best of it.

    • 9) Postnatal preparation

    Postnatal preparation and support is one of my favourite topics. I feel it is so important that I wrote a book about it, called Why postnatal recovery matters. As your doula, I can help you prepare for the postpartum, be it the immediate few hours post birth in the hospital or at home (including how to prepare for the fact that most partners may not allowed to visit postnatally in the hospital), or the later parts from coming home with your baby, from feeding choices to parenting choices. As part of my contract you get 6 weeks of unlimited phone and email support after the birth of your baby.

    • 10) Postnatal support

    After your baby is born, especially if you are alone in a postnatal ward without your partner, or if you have your partner but medical staff is too busy to help support you, I can do call or video calls as soon as you need me to help answer any needs you may have. I have become skilled at provided feeding help over video calls, either myself or putting you in touch with breastfeeding counselors, who have also become very skilled at providing feeding support over video calls. More in my next blog on postnatal support during lockdown.

    Finally, here is a story from a mother I supported in 2020:

     “It would be easy to feel like pandemic restrictions preventing extra birth partners would make hiring a doula pointless. After all, if they can’t be at the birth, why bother, right? I might have felt the same, if it weren’t for our experience of growing and birthing our daughter in 2020 with Sophie’s help.

    When the pandemic hit, and suddenly even my husband wasn’t allowed in to scans or appointments. Secondary birth partners were banned from births completely. These restrictions still hadn’t been eased by July, when I unexpectedly entered prodromal labour at 36 weeks gestation. After a week of contractions at home that weren’t getting any more frequent, I entered the hospital to have my labour artificially progressed. I laboured, for large parts alone, for five further days, before finally delivering my daughter by c-section (or belly birth, as I like calling it!). Again, even getting my husband into hospital to support me was a fight. The presence of a doula was a complete non-starter.

    So do I regret hiring Sophie? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

    If anything, I am MORE grateful we did because of COVID. More than ever, being asked to navigate the labyrinth of the maternity care system is a nearly impossible challenge women are being asked to undertake. Especially in a pandemic, alone. I have no idea how I would have begun to survive it without the preparation Sophie did with us, and the support she still managed to provide both during and after our birth.

     I had the space I needed to process rather than internalise my grief. I had the planning and preparation I needed to take care of myself both during and after the birth. I had the support I needed to bring my baby home to an overjoyed family that was ready to receive her. I had the confidence to know I can be and am exactly the mother she needs. I was left so in awe of the work of doulas that I’m becoming one. ” Elle.

    If you’d like to read more about this topic, I wrote a blog called The Value of a doula, one called What do you get when you hire a doula, or why she’s totally worth the money, one about how a doula can support you if you are having a planned cesarean birth, and one called The incredible things doulas do to support their clients. Whilst these were written before 2020, much of what I explain in them still applies.

    If this resonates with you and you would like to work with me, I offer education and support for families and birthworkers in the form of one to one support, and online courses.

     

  • A guide to postpartum recovery during lockdown

    A guide to postpartum recovery during lockdown

    Updated January 2021 (originally published in March 2020)

    The lockdown inspired me to write a mini emergency postnatal recovery plan, as for the foreseeing future, most new families in the UK (and in many other places in the world) are likely to be at home alone with their babies, with support from only a very limited number of persons (Doulas and certain therapists are still able to work during lockdown so do not hesitate to contact them for support).

    Traditional postpartum recovery the world around includes a period of at least a month during which the mother does nothing but rest and get to know her baby, whilst other people look after her, cook her warming, nourishing foods, massage and wrap her, and provide essential social support.

    After all, your body has done something truly amazing by growing and birthing a whole new person, so it makes sense that it needs some TLC to recover as well as possible. Even marathon runners take a couple of weeks off training after an event!

    I wrote my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters,  to encourage a return of these practises to the Western world.

    But during lockdown I am aware that the full version of this isn’t going to be possible.

    So when we boil it down to its bare bones, what does a DIY postnatal recovery plan look like?

    The four pillars of postpartum recovery are social support, rest, food, and bodywork.

    Social support

    I hope you have a partner or another adult  with you. It is unlikely you’ll have much direct support from people face to face, however you can get a lot of online/virtual/video support. Many doulas have switched to offering remote support via phone or video calls (doulas offer postnatal support as well as birth support). You can find a doula here .

    There are online support groups, and you can find local or national ones on Facebook. If you search for something like mums in XXX (town’s name) or “XXX parents”, you’ll find groups, and from these groups and the people in them, you’ll be able to find out other sources of support. In fact the pandemic has seen the creation many new local support groups created to help support vulnerable people, so help is paradoxically easier to find than it was before. There are are also some apps such as Mush or Peanut which are designed to help mums to connect with other mums.

    Rest:

    Aim to stay in bed for a few days, or if being in bed drives you crazy, or if this isn’t possible, around the bed or the sofa as much as you can. Try to take at least one nap a day (early afternoon is the time that most people find that comes naturally), or if you can, a couple of naps a day, sleeping when the baby is sleeping. Even a 20 min power nap can make a world of difference. Try to go to bed earlier than you normally would a few times a week. If you cannot sleep, try to lie down and rest (some mums find it easier to drop off if they listen to a guided meditation. There are plenty of free apps for that). If you’re alone and have other kids to look after, drop your standard for a while and have lazy days around the sofa, making free use of screen entertainment.

    Food:

    If you can, batch cook and freeze ahead of time before the birth. Ideally you’ll want to have a mix of sources for food, from self prep, to food prepped for you by friends and neighbours, to food deliveries. You could organise a meal train or better still ask a kindly neighbour or friend to organise one for you (or use this website https://www.mealtrain.com/). Since there are many free support groups online now, including street whasapp group (why not start one if there isn’t one in your street yet),it that it might be easier than before to get the support.

    There are companies such as cook that deliver good quality frozen meals that you can just stick in the oven like lasagna (https://www.cookfood.net/). I am seeing more local delivery initiatives before so I’m hopeful that you’ll find them locally. Some local shops offering delivery services. As well as fresh food, get some easy to eat, stock on non perishable snacks if you can.

    Bodywork

    Another ubiquitous practise is to massage and wrap the abdomen and/or the pelvis of the new mother. It is trickier than before as access to massage therapists is limited, however, such therapists are still allowed to practise when the clinical need is deemed sufficient (see guidance here https://www.fht.org.uk/news-item/fht-statement-on-coronavirus-covid-19). Manual therapists such as osteopaths, chiropractors, and physiotherapists are still open. There are things you can do for yourself, such a giving your lower abdomen a gentle massage, and wrapping your pelvis and/or abdomen with a scarf or a velcro belt. I’ve written a blog about how to do this, complete with some tutorials.

     

    Get yourself a sling or baby carrier. This will allow you to meet your baby’s needs for closeness whilst being able to relax and still have your arms available to fix yourself a snack or a meal. Carrying matters has just published a blog about babywearing during the pandemic, and they also run the sling pages directory (Babywearing consultants are able to support you remotely).

    Try and plan as much as possible whilst pregnant so you have support in place after the birth.

    I’ve made a free postnatal recovery plan PDF to download with prompts. You can find it here.

    If this inspires you and you’d like to find out more, you can buy a signed copy of my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, here, or find out more about my online courses, or the one to one sessions I offer.

  • Stretched between gratitude and grief. A review of 2020.

    Stretched between gratitude and grief. A review of 2020.

    At the end of each year I write a review of my year. I find it a helpful exercise to reflect. This year it feels more important than ever. I am doing it for myself, and I also hope it may inspire others who read it. Despite my being told that I do a lot of stuff, until I write it all down I tend to mostly focus on what I am not doing.

    I choose the title of being stretched between gratitude and grief because this has been a year of extremes on many levels, and that is how it has felt for me.

    I have this amazing book about grief called The Wild Edge of Sorrow. In his book, author Francis Weller explains that :

    “Sorrow shakes us and breaks us open to depths of soul we could not imagine. Grief offers a wild alchemy that transmutes suffering into fertile ground. We are made real and tangible by the experience of sorrow, adding substance and weight to our world. We are stripped of excess and revealed as human in our times of grief. In a very real way grief ripens us, pulls up from the depths of our souls what is most authentic in our beings”.

    I started 2020 in a state of deep grief, due to a crisis that had happened in the summer of 2019. I was still seeing a therapist, and still on antidepressants. I was desperately trying to “fix” myself out of the darkness. Back then I could not have imagined how much personal growth and joy this year would bring me, despite the challenges that it brought.

    A bunch of things happened between January and lockdown that contributed to lifting me out of this state. I finished doing the case studies for my Reiki Drum teacher training, and managed to attend the actual training (despite the looming lockdown and a flat tyre). I had a family constellation session (the 4th one since summer 2019), and I had a 3h long massage and healing session with Claire at In well being somatic massage, all of which helped shift what had happened  out of my body. But the biggest change was oddly brought by the lockdown itself.

    As the announcement of lockdown loomed, I spent 3 days reading the news constantly. My anxiety skyrocketed as I started to imagine all sorts of worse case scenarios. I’m super grateful that a friend made me aware of a zoom workshop based on the work of Byron Katie, on the topic of anxiety during the pandemic. During the workshop, Cambridge coach Corrina Gordon-Barnes led us through an enquiry about our fear.  I had partially read Byron Katie’s book, Loving what is, before, but I had taken the questions at face value, and not got that they weren’t actual intellectual questions, but rather a method of self enquiry. The effect of this for me was extraordinary, and it moved me instantly out of my fear and anxiety into a state of peace. You can watch the video of this workshop, called Peace during a pandemic, here. I know it sounds too good to be true but the difference attending this workshop made to me was really night and day. In fact I found it so transformative that I attended another one and signed up for an online course around the Work and parenting later in the year.

    I’d be lying if I pretended that I didn’t drop back into anxiety at times. There were several moments during the year where I felt consumed by anxiety and anger about the state of the world, the unbelievable changes that were happening all around us, and projections into a bleak and scary future. When that happened, being in nature or dancing always helped bringing me back into my body in the now. It was an interesting realisation to find that even if the circumstances didn’t change, my mindset (or should say my heartset) made all the difference. This year I really learnt the meaning of staying into my business and accepting what I can and cannot change.

    The gift of time during lockdown

    Oddly, lockdown turned out to be mostly positive for me. As the first few days happened, I started taking my children for a daily walk in the neighbourhood, in a bid to keep them healthy. I felt annoyed and grumpy to be restricted to visiting the same boring spot everyday.

    A few weeks before lockdown I had started a gratitude practise called 111 happy days. So I decided to switch this to something called Gratitude in a Pandemic, which I did for 16 weeks. I chose to share my gratitude practise on Facebook to keep myself accountable. Every day or so I’d share, along with pictures, the stuff I felt grateful for. This is the first time in my life that I did this regularly and the first time I found out how effective it was. I started noticing a lot of things to be grateful for that I had never been even thought about before.

    It is said that where the attention goes, energy flows. This proved so true for me because not only this helped me shift my mindset towards more positive way of looking at the world. Because I shared on Facebook, friends pointed out how lucky I was to have such open spaces on my doorstep, and soon I stopped seeing the local nature reserves as boring places, but started to appreciate their beauty. I hadn’t expected this but a lot of people also told me they found my posts inspiring.

    Other magical stuff happened. As I took daily walks with my kids, whilst at first they were reluctant, they came to look forward to it, asking during lunch at what time we would go. Because of these walks and the forced slower pace of life, we spent more time together than we did before. We often had deep meaningful conversations during these walks. I also noticed that my kids also spent more time talking to each other. I noticed that the local nature reserve was actually a very beautiful place, that we were lucky to have it so close, and that it looked different every day, as nature grew and unfolded during Spring. We saw cygnets being born and then we saw them grow. The weather was unusually nice which made it all the more pleasant.

    It wasn’t all pink fluffy unicorns. Some of those walks were challenging, some days my kids were grumpy or quarrelled etc. One major source of frustration was navigating achieving balance for our kids between home learning and screen time whilst both myself and my husband worked. This also meant having complex conversations with my husband who had set up his home office in the lounge, whilst I was upstairs always the one the kids came to for school work help! In the midst of this, I felt utterly grateful that my children were older (10 and 14)  and fairly self sufficient. I cannot imagine how I would have coped with the lockdown with a toddler and a preschooler. I saw the challenges some of my friends with younger kids went through, trying to work (some of them single parents) whilst meeting the needs of their children. They have my utter respect and admiration.

    The other major change that the forced slow down brought by lockdown brought me was that I became aware that I had been pressuring myself to be “productive” all the time. I thought I had come a long way from this already, starting with the coaching work I’d done with Bonny Chmelik  a couple of years ago (which led to my year round river swimming habit), but as the pressure eased for so long, I started to feel very appreciative of the slower pace of the day, and feel much happier and more relaxed for it. I spent more time doing activities like baking, gathering herbs and making stuff with them like bundles and oils etc, because I felt I had the time. It was no nice to enjoy these whilst not feeling rushed. I remember one afternoon as I relaxed in the hammock in my garden, it dawned on me that I wasn’t feeling guilty of not working. I had several defining moments like this one, for instance one morning I ran through the local nature reserve and stopped on the riverside to watch the water and meditate, a voice in my head told me I should be getting back to work. I started to realise how much pressure I was putting on myself  to be productive all the time, and I hadn’t even been aware of it.

    Two other practises really helped me slow down and connect with nature and myself: drumming and dancing (as well as my previously existing practise of year round wild swimming). In November 2019 I committed to train to become a Reiki Drum teacher. This means I had to run 24 case studies in 2 months. I managed to finish and attended the training. I never got to teach it in 2020 as I had intended, but the benefits for me personally went beyond my expectations. In February I started running monthly drumming circles in Cambridge. I had assumed I’d get a handful of friends, but both times around 14 people attended, most of which I didn’t even know. Those drum circles were magical. During lockdown I carried on running them online, then ran them to outdoors when it became possible again.

    By April I felt well enough to come off the antidepressants.

    In May I turned 50. Whilst I was upset that I couldn’t see my family that day, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t feel that important, and I also felt grateful that I did not mind so much.  I started the day drumming in the woods, I went for 2 swims at my favourite spots, had a wonderful takeaway Chinese feast for diner and an enormous chocolate keto cake handmade and delivered by my lovely friend Alexa. I finished the day with party on Zoom that night and this meant that friends and family from Norway, the USA, France and Germany were able to join me, and this wouldn’t have been possible if it had been face to face. The party included a 5rhythm dance session led by the wonderful Ruth Hirst. Many of my friends had never tried this type of dance and where hooked instantly.

    The day I turned 50 I also started the day drumming in the woods at the local nature reserve with 2 other women. I have been doing this bi-weekly since. It’s a deeply spiritual, yet simple, practise that I love, in the connection with others, with nature and with myself that it gives me.

    In October 2019 I had joined Cambsdance , which is a conscious dance community in Cambridge. They host various teachers who run a range of conscious dancing classes from different styles ( 5Rhythms, Freedom dance, and  open floor). I remember being amazed when I first went as I thought we were going to be taught steps! The first night I had one mind blowing moment after the other: I saw how my clubbing years  had made me associate dancing with seduction and showing off, I found out that I could move my body in much better ways in my late 40s than in my 20s (because I inhabit my body more, but also because I care much less about what others think). I went home elated.

    This type of dancing is nothing like you may have experienced clubbing. There is no self consciousness, no judging, no “performance”. It’s simply a group of people who get together to move like their bodies want to. Jewel Mathieson’s sum “We have come to be danced” sums it up. This practise proved transformative for me whilst I was in the midst of a personal crisis. I discovered that this form of self-connection suits me better than being still. That I can move through feelings in minutes whilst moving my body through music, in what would take me 20 min or more of meditation.

    I attended the Friday night dance every week from October to March. When lockdown happened we carried on dancing with sessions run on zoom. I carried attending the sessions religiously during that time. I even signed up to an ongoing small group work with Freedom Dance teacher Alex Svoboda. I was dubious as to whether these would work online but they did. It wasn’t the same as face to face, but it was still powerful. In fact during lockdown I had a one to one session with Alex, when I was feeling stuck about the professional path ahead. Alex suggested I dance which element my professional past was, then my current path, then my future one. It was a truly mind blowing experience, and it shifted me out of being stuck instantly.

    When lockdown eased, small groups of us started meeting in the meadows near the river in Cambridge, and dance whilst streaming the live class on zoom with a speaker.  I found it extraordinary on so many levels. Dancing to the setting sun with an owl flying on the background and the sky reflected on the river surface was magical. The small group meant that I got to know people really well, much quicker than I would have done in the large group that normally gathered indoors on a Friday night. Many of these people have become close friends.  It also made chatting afterwards a lot more relaxed as we didn’t have to vacate a rented space by a certain time. We carried on dancing even when it became cold and dark, and sometimes wet, and it was still magical. There was a spiritual element to some of the gatherings, including ceremonies to celebrate the turning of the year. I realised that I had never been as in tune with the changing seasons at this year, and that it felt very good to be more connected to nature in this way. This week I also took part in the last event of the second small group Freedom Dance series I had taken part in, and I’ve already signed up for more. If this is something you have ever wanted to try, now you can participate with any teacher that you choose as online classes mean that the distance constraints are removed.

    The other practise that is majorly important to my wellbeing is year round swimming in the river. This year I swam a lot more regularly than before because the lockdown helped me with a shift of priorities. I gave myself a challenge to swim in 50 different swim spots before I turn 51, which has already led to some really cool swimming adventures, including swimming through Cambridge city centre twice, swooshing down a mile in the Ouse, and swimming in 6 different lakes whilst on holidays in France. I look forward to more swimming adventures.

    When lockdown eased, I started putting these practises in my diary as a priority over everything else, because I’d come to understand that they were not just “nice” things to do when I had time, but rather they were the foundation on which I built everything else. Next year I am planning to create an online course based to my experience to help others out of overwhelm.

    Work

    This year brought some great challenges in my work as a workshop facilitator and doula. Up until March I wasn’t in a particularly good place, so the announcement of the lockdown filled me with anxiety and dread, as well as fears for my little sole trader business. Interestingly, something had been preventing me from booking workshops. I had been putting it down to low mood and procrastination, but now that I look back it seems my intuition was on point. When lockdown came I only needed to cancel one workshop, which helped me not become overwhelmed with reorganisation and refunds etc.

    When lockdown happened I panicked thinking that I would not be earning any money at all. My main source of income was workshops, and I could no longer run those. I didn’t know whether I would still be able to work as a doula during lockdown. Yet the lockdown meant that I finished my book draft on time, and that first month when I thought I’d get nothing, I got the advance for the book from the publisher, which I hadn’t counted on. This was a nice, unexpected and reassuring surprise. Seeing small business owner friends struggle with no income also made me feel grateful that my husband still had part time salary.

    That theme of unexpected income carried on throughout the year. In April I got an unexpected last minute booking for a birth because this family could no longer have their relatives come to look after their older child. This birth (actually the only birth that I attended in person this year) was utterly wonderful, and gave me a lot of reassurance, as well as being a lovely reintroduction to birth work after a 6 month break. The lockdown and new rules, meaning only one birth partner was allowed in the hospital, brought new challenges to my doula work. Like many I had to adapt very quickly to move my support online. I was pleasantly surprised that it could still be very effective.  It did take some creativity, and I learnt a lot of new skills this year, for example teaching rebozo techniques on zoom, or learning to write and record custom relaxation scripts for clients in record time.

    There were moments of despair and utter frustration. Supporting women having their labour induced for days without the support of her partner or myself, or the lack of support in the postnatal ward, especially post caesarean, was hugely frustrating and stressful. In the summer I hit a particularly low moment when, having just finished to support such a long induction, I saw a woman I had supported has a doula 3 times already, walk alone to the hospital. I came home and told my husband I was done being a doula.

    But there were magical moments too. I learnt that I could still make a massive difference remotely and that my support was even more important in these challenging times. I was able to pull strings and help several couples achieve a wonderful births against many odds. I supported a lot of people over phone and video calls, and discovered to my surprise that it could still feel fulfilling. Recently I found out after supporting such a birth, that I felt just as opened energetically afterwards, the way I normally feel after being present.

    Whilst several couples, including repeat clients, got in touch but decided not to hire me as they didn’t see the point if I couldn’t be there in person, surprisingly many did still want to work with me despite the lack of guarantee that I could be present. In the end I was just as busy this year as the previous year. I have repeat clients booked for next year too. I still mentored new doulas, and I had the pleasure to support 4 doulas in completing their mentoring journey in 2020.

    Workshop wise this certainly was a very different year. In the past 3 years or so I usually taught at least a couple of workshops a month, travelling around the UK and sometimes abroad. This year I only taught 5 live workshops, and a couple of zoom ones. Whilst I did miss teaching, and especially when I returned in October after a 6 month long break, and realised how much I love teaching, I also feel that that the previous level of intense teaching is not longer suitable for who I am today.

    I had already planned to make 2 online courses based on my book. I signed up to Leonie Dawson’s course 40days to create and sell your ecourse  (it’s fabulous, I love Leonie’s irreverent and empowering style, do get in touch if you’re interested to do this course, as Leonie has an affiliate scheme). I offered my upcoming courses to a group of early adopters and 85 people joined me on this journey. In parallel I had someone create me a new website with a built-in online course system. I also had some social media training, a logo, and some branding work done ready for the relaunch.

    When the new website was launched in November,   I discovered that my existing rebozo online course hadn’t transferred across the new system properly. After a lot of stress I realised that rather than getting my web guy to fix it, it made sense to rebuild the course using the new system instead. This proved to be a godsend on several levels because not only did it meant that I got to grip with the new tech really quickly (I had been procrastinating), but I updated the course with new text, new pictures and branding, and added a quiz and automated certificate download at the end.  I was very proud of how the updated course worked and relaunched it in November, and I had more people sign up to this course in 2020 than in the 2 years since I launched it.

    I have finished creating the course for families based on my book, and I am 2/3rd of the way through uploading it on my website. I’m also about 1/3 of the way creating the second course for birthworkers, which will launch in the first quarter of next year. Once these are complete I have another 10 or so courses or so in the pipeline, as I want to make everything I teach available online.

    2020 saw the publication of my first book, Why Postnatal recovery matters. I finished the draft in April, and the book was published in July. I was incredibly proud when I received the first copies. I completely overwhelmed when I made it available to buy from me as all 80 copies I had sold within 24h and I hadn’t anticipated this! After a major flap as I tried to sign and post all the ordered copies the morning after the release, I realised this wasn’t possible, and went for a swim instead. Feeling much calmer, I ordered more books, reached out to a couple of experienced authors friends, who gave me great tips to on how sign such a large number of books in a way that still felt enjoyable. Since then I have signed, wrapped and posted close to 300 copies. When I asked a few weeks ago, the publisher told me that over 700 copies had been sold (though we won’t know the exact numbers until March next year). The book currently has 44 five star reviews on Amazon (if you’ve read it, I would love it if you could leave me a review here).

    I also wrote 6 press articles about the book in July. That was an interesting exercise, which took much of my time that month. Each article had to be written from a different angle, so after writing the first one, when I submitted the second the PR person told me I needed to rewrite it entirely as it was too similar to the first! I did get the hang of it eventually and can now add the ability to write press articles superfast to my list of skills. I did the book launch the book as a Facebook live. I was disappointed not to be able to have the real live launch at Pinter and Martin HQ in London, complete with glasses of bubbly. It didn’t feel as real, to do it on Facebook. However, I had a small gathering by the river with some close friends to celebrate the launch, complete with lovely food and a fire. Since the publication, articles about the book have been published in Juno and in the Green Parent magazine, and  I have done 3 podcasts and 5 live interviews on Facebook and Instagram. I have also talked to a French publisher to get the book translated and published in France.

    As well as my book and all the press articles with it, I wrote 14 blog posts this year. Writing is one of aligned, flowing places. It makes me happy, it feeds my soul and I love knowing that my writing helps others.

    This year one of the major lessons I learnt in my work was that I do not have to work so hard, and that my income isn’t necessarily related to the amount of time I spend “working”. I used to think that I had to be at my computer from 9 to 5. This year has brought a lot more spaciousness and flexibility in the way I work and I am much happier for it.

    After doing an online course on to do list with productivity mentor Louise Miller,  I’ve embarked on an amazing new group with her called Make it Happen. Louise’s approach towards goal setting and productivity is very much like being doulaed through a mindful, unique to yourself, goal setting process. It’s like having someone holding space for you to unfold in your own unique way. I am already certain that it will help me stay focused and balanced and in my happy place in the new year.

    This is what my year felt like. Stretched between gratitude and grief. But with more fulfilment and joy than ever before. I love the words of Francis Weller on the topic:

    ” The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering. Grief  keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”

    I will finish this post with my answer to The Big Questions, which I saw shared on Facebook by Arvigo teacher and wise woman Hilary Lewin. I thought some of you might find them helpful too.

    2020

    What was your greatest success in 2020?

    • Publishing my book

    What word or phrase sums up your experience of 2020?

    • Embody

    What was your best decision?

    • Prioritising time in nature.

    What was the greatest lesson you learnt?

    • That prioritising time in nature allows everything to flow from it

    What was the most loving service you performed?

    • Supporting families through birth and postpartum during the pandemic

    What is your biggest piece of unfinished business?

    • The online course based on my book

    What are you most happy about completing?

    • My book

    Who are the people who had the greatest impact on your life?

    • My friends from the local dance and swim community. And spiritual healers Rebecca Wright and Lee Harris.

    What was the biggest risk you took this year?

    • Trusting into things unfolding by themselves

    What was the biggest surprise?

    • That things worked out and that I did not have to work so hard.

    What important relationship improved the most?

    • The one with myself

    What else do you need to do or say in 2020?

    • Thank you

    2021

    What would you like your biggest triumph to be in 2021?

    • Launching my new work as a soul doula.

    What advice would you give yourself for 2021?

    • Trust in soul time.

    What major effort are you planning on to improve?

    • Finding balance between being focused and not trying to work too hard

    What would you be most happy about completing?

    • Having launched a course on accessing personal heart wisdom.

    What major indulgence do you want to experience?

    • Connection

    What are you looking forward to learning?

    • More about myself

    What might your biggest challenge be?

    • Not trusting that I’m doing enough

    What are you most committed to changing and improving?

    • Using my time wisely, not getting lost in urgent but not important tasks

    What is your as yet one undeveloped talent you are willing to explore?

    • Channelling

    What brings you joy and how will you have more of it?

    • Time in nature. I’m already putting it at the most important task in my diary

    What is your one word to carry you through 2021?

    • Alignment

     

    I’d love to hear if my experience resonates with you.

  • Period Pain: if you’ve been told there is nothing you can do about it, read on.

    Period Pain: if you’ve been told there is nothing you can do about it, read on.

    If you suffer from period pain, or someone you know does, and if you have been told that there is nothing you can do: you have been lied to. There is plenty you can do, it is just that the knowledge isn’t part of what is taught within Western medical training.

    I got my period pain fixed, and it makes me so angry that women are told this lie over and over again, are told that it is normal, because it stops them from seeking the help that is available. I’m on a mission to change this.

    This is my story:

    I suffered from severe period pain from the moment I started my period. The pain was so severe that in my teenage years I used to be sent to the nurse’s room at school each month. I curled up in pain on the bed there and waited for my mother to come and collect me. I would spent the first day or two of each period curled up in bed with a hot water bottle. Sometimes the pain was so bad I vomited.

    I tried everything from mainstream drugs to homeopathy, but nothing worked. Around age 15 I was put on hormonal therapy for it. At age 16 I started taking the pill. As I no longer had “periods” (the bleeding caused by stopping the pill for a week is different from that of a period) I was free of pain. I stayed on the pill from the age of 16 to until I was 33, when I decided to stop taking the pill because I was diagnosed with precancerous cells on my cervix (I read some research showing a link between long term pill taking and these- If you want to read about it, the book “The Pill, Are you sure it’s for you” By Alexandra Pope, is fantastic).

    My period pain came back with a revenge. My husband, who had never seen me with this pain, was shocked at how bad it was. I remember once we were driving  when it started and I had to get him to park on the side of the road as I writhed in pain on the car seat, white as a sheet and covered in cold sweat, until I waited for the painkillers to kick in.

    I went to the GP for help. I remember being stunned when all I was offered was to take pain killers. I said to the GP :  “Really, in 15 years the medicine still hasn’t moved on?”. At the time I was working in a biotech company, and told my boss about this, and he said “if men had pain in their dick once a month you can be sure there would be a drug for it”!

    I resigned myself to taking ibuprofen every month. Then I became pregnant and the pregnancy and birth seemed to temporarily fix the problem. My periods became more regular and I was pain free for a few years after having my children. Then, a few years after my second child was born, the pain came back. I resigned myself to taking the pain killers again.

    In 2014 I met an osteopath in Cambridge called Teddy Brookes. I mentioned this to him and he said he could help. I was surprised and slightly disbelieving, but it was so bad I was willing to try anything. Teddy is trained in visceral osteopathy, something not all osteopaths are trained in. He felt the ligaments around the front of my uterus (the round ligaments), told me they were very tight, and worked on releasing them. It was not comfortable and I had to do some deep birth breathing during the treatment.

    That evening and night I had a lot of cramps in my uterus, but the next morning I woke up feeling absolutely amazing, both physically and emotionally. I felt like nothing could touch me. The next cycle the pain was less but still there. I got in touch with Teddy and he talked me through how to release the ligaments myself. I had to get my husband to do it as I couldn’t get my fingers in the right direction but it helped. Within 2 or 3 cycles I was completely pain free and I have been for 6 years.

    I was baffled by this because as a scientist I knew that from a scientific point of view, the cramps of period pain were caused by hormones called prostaglandins and I couldn’t see why releasing ligaments would affect this. Teddy explained that there cramps were still there, only that they were comfortable. I was delighted to be cured of the pain.

    As I told women about my experience, some asked me to teach them how to release their ligaments. But I didn’t feel comfortable doing that because everybody is unique and I thought maybe other ligaments would be tight and therefore need a different technique. Teddy told me that it is almost always the round ligaments that are too tight (more on that later).

    Other things happened along the way that helped my have a different relationship to my menstrual cycle. In 2016 I attended a workshop by Alexandra Pope of Red School, that helped me understand the changing energies throughout my cycle and how to tap into them. This led me to make sure I rested as much as possible during the first couple of days of my period. I blogged it about here.

    With my own practise, working closely with Teddy (we created a postnatal massage course together), massaging new mothers with closing the bones, with supporting women with healing as a Reiki practitioner, and with training such as spinning babies and biomechanics for birth, I general became more aware of my body and of the importance of good balance for uterine health.

    In 2019 I attended a workshop on womb health by Arvigo massage therapist Hilary Lewin. She brought a life size womb suit and proceeded to demonstrate in a very visual manner how the ligaments of the uterus affect period comfort.

    The uterus is attached to the pelvis by several sets of ligaments. You can see a 3D illustration of how the uterus ligaments attach to the pelvis in this video. The round ligaments in particular attach from the top of the uterus and to the front of the pelvis. A healthy uterus is normally slightly bend over the bladder. If the round ligaments are too tight, the uterus will be bent forward a lot more, making expelling menstrual blood a lot harder, and therefore more painful (as the uterus will need to cramp harder to get the blood out).

    In this video I explain in a very visual way what happens when the uterus is not optimally positioned.

    Part of the problem is that we live sedentary and unbalanced lifestyle so many of us have tight ligaments (sitting down a lot tends to do that) and don’t even know it. Because everything in your body is linked, having tight or unbalanced ligaments and/or pelvis may affect many other things too, such as causing back pain or bowel issues. Abdominal massage therapist Barbara Loomis explains some of this with great illustrations here.

    Sadly many women suffer needlessly suffer from horrendous pain, and because most of us believe the narrative that there is nothing we can do, we don’t seek help.

    Here are some stories to illustrate the pain of what some go through, and in some case what helped them:

    When I was younger, before kids I had some months were I would be crying & in excruciating agony, where I’d lay fetal style for hours in so much pain. Pain killers wouldn’t touch it. It wasn’t like that every month, but definitely had it a lot! I always had heavy periods with less pain or light with more pain! Doctors would always say : ‘it can’t be that bad’ and would basically ignore me. They wouldn’t believe me that paracetamol or ibuprofen didn’t work for me (I have a condition where I metabolise drugs really fast) I remember once (this is awful but) taking the strongest pain killers my Nan had prescribed to her for chronic pain, they still only barely took the edge off! My husband found me in a ball crying once & tried to take me to hospital but I knew there was no point. Once I started having kids I found they got so much better. I now have fairly ok period pain but I do now wrap my hips, use reiki, have a bath & rest (especially on my first day as much as I can)! Carly Lokrheim

    From the onset of my periods I had severe pain. Every month I used to be floored in agony. I went yellow in skin tone and was physically sick and sometimes past out. I used fear it every month. My bleed was so heavy and clotted I used to leak right through my school uniform. I was taken to the doctors many many times and was fobbed off and treated as a silly girl. I felt (and it was said) that I had a low pain threshold and I would not be able to handle birth. This put me off ever having children (right up until I was in my mid 30’s) As I got older PMT got more and more intense till it started to affect my marriage. At this point I started Ayurvedic treatment which included massage, life style changes and diet changes. This really really helped with my periods and PMT. When we tried to get pregnant I found there was unexplained infertility, I started acupuncture and found it really helpful and also had a laparoscopy and found I had endometriosis scaring and fibroids. I think a combination of all three treatments/practices helped us to conceive and go on to have two babies. I now follow my cycles and adapt my life (as much as possible) to follow my inner seasons or at least be aware of them. I now also use a moon cup and relish my bleed as a time to retreat and surrender. Clare Wilson Hasted

    I had awful period pain from the age of 11 when it started, I would vomit and faint/ pass out with the pain. I was put on the pill at 13 it didn’t really help what did help was paracetamol, hot water bottles and rest. Then in my late teens I read a book called Who dies? and starting using the meditations in there to cope with the pain, I used the same meditations to cope with my contractions. I also took cramp bark. Staci Sylvan

    I tend to bleed for 17 – 20 days and I have excruciating period pains. This started at the age of 13 and has followed my entire life. I had hoped pregnancy might help but 6 weeks after giving birth sure enough agonising pains. I have tried so many therapies, pills  implant etc. And the pain each month is still so severe I missed time off school as a teenager and miss work as an adult. Every job I have had I keep a hot water bottle at my desk and painkillers in a drawer. I have had a mirena since the age of 21 and since then have not missed work due to period pains. My cycle became regular and bleeding only for 5 days. After having my son I had a 4 year break from the mirena. I realised I just couldn’t cope without it, my body hurt so much, I was exhausted and honestly just not a nice person as I was in agony so often, couldn’t sleep, didn’t want my husband touching me. I had the mirena inserted last November and I remember about 7 days later feeling like I had woken up. My foggy head cleared and I felt in control of my body again. I do get pain but it’s manageable with a hot water bottle and rest. I am happier, calmer, more patient and I feel like I have my life back. I can’t over state how much the Mirena has changed my life. It’s spectacular and I will always be grateful to the GP who initially recommended it after about 7 years of begging for help and being dismissed as “you’re female you just have to deal with it”. In terms of the pain  for me it’s thighs, bum, lower back and lower abdomen. It can been so painful I vomit from it. I feel like my whole body is stiff, exercise makes it worse. Rocking my hips on a gym ball cam help or gentle bouncing. When it’s at its worse there is no way I can work, I can barely talk and usually just end up crying. Jay

    As a teenager my period pain was severe. If my daughter experienced pain like that, I would take her to the doctor, or emergency in some cases I had. However, I was too afraid/embarrassed/shamed/whatever to tell my mom or anyone. I remember having to go into work while vomiting and hunched over in pain because my boss wouldn’t take no for an answer because I didn’t sound sick. Sharon Bales

    I’m aware that period pain can be caused by other issues than biomechanics. I know that some have PCOS or endometriosis or other conditions…but it is the same: you are sadly unlikely to get answers from mainstream medical professionals because they simply lack the training, knowledge and the tools to help you. It’s not their fault, rather it is the very narrow view of how Western culture sees the body that is to blame. As Katie Bowman explains in this article:

    “Dysmenorrhea is a pain, literally. It’s a painful period, ranging from light to severe, that can also include vomiting, diarrhoea, headache and fainting. The “primary” means that the dysmenorrhoea is not occurring simultaneously with another known pelvic pathology. (Secondary dysmenorrhoea can be created or affected by issues like endometriosis and fibroids that can cause extremely painful periods, and I know that people suffering from those conditions have likely heard a million “just do this” solutions, and I’m not trying to offer that here, although I hope that movement might relieve some part of your pain.”

    So what can you do to help with period pain? Here are some of the therapies I have personally used or heard that some had success with:

    See a bodyworker that can work on your uterus alignment. This could be an osteopath or a chiropractor or a physiotherapist who is trained in visceral osteopathy. Or you could see someone who is trained in womb massage such as an Arvigo massage or a Mizan Therapy, or a Fertility Massage practitioner. Having a closing the bones massage may help too. Make sure to get recommendation from good local practitioners.

    For the past year or so I had been suffering with debilitating period pains: I would faint, hang from my husband’s neck as if I was in labour, I’d only find relief in the bathtub where I’d be playing mermaid for at least half a day on my first day of bleeding. It got so bad I was checked for endometriosis and cervical cancer (as I also got 1 cycle with constant intermittent bleeding between 2 periods). Nothing wrong physically. After Sophie Messager mentioned her osteopath helping her with period pains to the point she is now pain free, I spoke to my chiropractor, where I’m currently going for regular sessions on another issue. For the past 2 cycles, she’s worked on my pelvis and the round ligaments holding my womb, and – touch wood – I’ve only had the slightest dull sensation on my previous cycle, not even worth calling pain, and am TOTALLY pain free in my current cycle. The difference is totally unbelievable. Ladies, if you suffer from period pain, this might be THE thing that changes everything. I already used rebozos, aromatherapy, herbal teas for myself, but nothing was even touching the edge of it. Until I got the tension in the ligaments released. I don’t even notice now, physically, that I’m on my period. (Emotionally and energy-wise I still do, and aromatherapy, herbs and rebozos still have a role to play there — but now it’s just become a week of gorgeous self-care, not a week of intense pain that makes that self-care so focused on the pain). Japjeet Rajbir Kaur Khalsa

    I personally found osteopathy and Ayurveda completely resolves my painful periods. Also reframing my understanding after reading Wild Power has been beyond powerful. Emma Hayward

    Work on your alignment (either face to face with a specialist such a physiotherapist, Pilates or yoga teacher or with an online course-see a list of courses at the end of this blog). Rosie Dhoopun is an alignment specialist. She shows you a movement routine to ease period pain here.

    Alignment and movement worked for me. Plus surprisingly using cloth pads. I even get mild cramps using a mooncup so use that infrequently. I used to suffer terribly as a child and eat a whole packet of feminax to get through. These last years I use to have such bad knee pain but all stopped since releasing tension. Isn’t it such a shame we are told it’s normal and medication is the best thing. Rosie Dhoopun

    My periods were once every 6 months. And I’d be on strong painkillers for a week to get even near function. I saw a chiropractor, switched to barefoot shoes and started stretching my calves in my 30’s which took me to regular and pain free. Philippa Wilmot

    See an acupuncturist. I have personally had great results treating infertility and recurrent miscarriages with one and I found that it helped make my period more comfortable too. Here is a review of the evidence behind the effectiveness of acupuncture for period pain by the Acupuncture council.

    See a herbalist. I saw Natasha at Forage Botanicals to help with the symptoms of the perimenopause who specialises in treating painful periods.

    See a homeopath. Here is an article with some suggestions on homeopathic remedies that might help.

    See a nutrition specialist with experience in this area. Since painful periods can be caused by too much inflammation in the body, changing your diet may help your pain.

    Nutritional therapy helped me. Period pain was crippling as a teen and rectified by the pill, which I took for ten years but it caused depression. Period pains got quite bad again slowly over the course of a few years and then stopped when I stopped smoking and did a sugar detox! My friend is a nutritional therapist, I was having bad mood swings all the time and awful cramps during my period. I wanted to try anything that would stop me needing SSRIs. She told me it was because the body can take a certain amount of stress but it has limits, so when I stopped smoking, it had better circulation and that helps with pain management and when I stopped eating sugar, less stress on my organs and hormones. Barely a cramp since. Abbi Leibert

    I found my period pain (not severe but present and very uncomfortable) almost disappeared after going vegan. Pippa Moss

    I had breakthrough bleeding in between my periods every month for nearly 3 years, I had all sorts of investigations scans biopsies nothing came back as a problem. Even had 4 miscarriages but still nothing has been found as a problem despite all the blood tests and so on. I discovered something called hair tissue mineral analysis and arrange the sample sent off I also did some additional blood tests privately. I found extensive mineral deficiencies and results consistent with hypothyroid despite normal blood results. I had a specially adapted list of supplements and dietary changes given to me by nutritional list and Six months on no breakthrough bleeding my period is so much more manageable, even more so since I discovered magnesium spray, and I have been wrapping my hips for quite some time. Still not entirely sure what our future holds in terms of pregnancies but at the moment I’m just happy with how far I’ve come in the six months. Nicola Witcombe

    Other more unusual things to try:

    Year round wild swimming (I’m not suggesting you swim in cold water during the actual bleeding when keeping warm is important), but there is mounting evidence that it does wonders to you wellbeing. It earthes you as well, see my blog on the subject.

    Try grounding yourself. Since period pain is at least in part caused by inflammation, and earthing/grounding has been shown to decrease inflammation, it may help. It can be as simple as walking or standing barefoot on the ground/grass. See a review of the evidence behind earthing in this paper.

    Try dancing. Movement has been shown to ease period pain, and boost blood flow. Conscious dance practises, such as 5rhythms, allows you to get deep into a movement that is unique to you.

    Nicky Smith, Ecstatic dance facilitator, says:

    “One thing which really helped me was movement. Our usual & natural inclination is to move away from pain & discomfort, of course! If we can move towards it, even a little, then allow the movement & expression to come from that place in our body it can give the intensity an expression which can support a release. Breathing into that place & moving on the exhale, helping our system to relax into rather than away from. The more I practise this approach the more I can move towards the pinnacle of the pain/discomfort and when I reach that edge my body will naturally start shaking. We can of course induce shaking ourselves. Another sweet release can be with our voice, giving that pain a sound, sometimes alongside movement can be a powerful medicine.”

    Ideally you would be able to see someone who is holistic in their approach and will take a case history and who can suggest an approach that covers all bases. But trying even one therapy is well worth it as it may be your first step on the road towards of a pain free period.

    As a teenager I never looked for help, because period and its pain is/was a taboo; I also lied down in a foetus position crying from pain. No pain anymore after having kids; what helped me was to accept my female body, as well as solving female ancestral karma (Closing the bones, constellation therapy, cranio-sacral therapy). So not one particular method, but rather awareness that menstrual taboos are so deep in our consciousness and that unhealed ancestral female traumas feel so painful in the body because the one/generation who becomes aware of that releases a lot of that ancestral shit with the energy of menstruation. Laura Linde

    What can you do for yourself (without seeing a therapist)

    Wrap your hips! I show you how to do this in this video. Because it supports the pelvis, the uterus and its ligaments, and because it provides warmth, wrapping your pelvis during your period may provide relief. I show a simple way of doing it in this video (there are others on my YouTube channel, and I have a blog on postnatal wrapping that is full of examples of ways to do it). Here is a blog post from Mizan Therapy explaining why it might help.

    Try switching to using reusable menstrual products. Some women report a decrease in period pain when they switched to using washable pads, period pants or a menstrual cup (There is a great YouTube channel about reusable sanitary products and menstrual cups here).

    My extremely heavy flow (so much so I couldn’t go to work 2 days at start of period, leaked through clothes etc) was helped hugely by moving to cloth sanitary protection. They say the chemicals in disposable pads increase flow. There was never a mention of the sanitary wear I used as a cause, rather the potential need for gynae reviews and long term medication. Thankfully not needed thanks to cloth sanitary products. Claire Pitchford

    My biggest healer has been switching to cloth and organic, un bleached sanitary ware and a series of womb massage sessions with Tania Meacher-Payne. She knocked my period down from 10-6 days. Life changing. I call her the womb fairy. Vikki Young

    Work on your alignment yourself.  Alignment specialist Rosie Dhoopun runs an online courses on the topic. In this video she explains a set of techniques you can do yourself.

    There is a list of things to try to decrease period pain in this blog by Katy Bowman :

    • “1.  Two days before the expected time for the flow to begin, reduce the amount of work done and increase the amount of rest.  Take a warm tub bath each evening for thirty minutes.
    • 2.  When the flow starts, go to bed and keep hot-water bottles to the feet and lower abdomen.
    • 6.  To help prevent future attacks of dysmenorrhea give attention to the following:
    • a.  Regular habits of eating, sleeping, and exercise.
    • b.  A wholesome diet, free from spices, condiments, greasy or fried food, tea and coffee, with little or no fresh food.
    • c.  Avoid tight clothing, and see that the limbs, neck, and chest are prevented from chilling.
    • d.  Correct constipation, if present.”

    Take an online course:

    Checkout some websites

    Read some books:

    Here are the ones I have read and loved.

    • Wild Power by Alexandra Pope
    • Period Power by Maisie Hill
    • The wise wound by Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove
    • Women’s bodies Women Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup
    • Moon Time by Lucy Pearce

    For supporting puberty:

    • Reaching for the moon by Lucy Pearce
    • How to support your daughter through puberty by Melonie Syrett

    And here is a collection of 28 books on the topic

    I’d love to hear about any other resources or therapies you have found useful!

  • A little bit of background about rebozos and their use to support women

    A little bit of background about rebozos and their use to support women

    I was introduced to the art of using the traditional Mexican shawl called the rebozo back in 2013 when I attended a workshop by doula Stacia Smales Hill on rebozo use for labour and birth. During the same year I also attended a workshop by Dr Rocio Alarcon, who taught a postnatal massage technique called closing the bones, some elements of which included rocking and binding with a rebozo.

    Over the course of the following years I pursued my knowledge further by doing several more workshops with Rocio, and several other rebozo workshops with different focuses, such as the rebozo for labour progress and malposition with Selina Wallis, micromovements with Francoise Freedman, 2 different spinning babies with Jennifer Walker and Gail Tully, and a workshop on healing diastasis recti  with Birthlight which included many rebozo techniques.

    I am also a babywearing instructor, and as such use rebozos and wraps to carry babies too.

    As I started teaching workshops around closing the bones and rebozo work as well as babywearing, the incredibly versatile use of the cloth really blew my mind.

    As I met people through teaching, I constantly questioned people I met about their culture’s practises, I started to build a picture in my mind of something much more universal than the rebozo.

    It seems that every culture had a piece of cloth of some kind, call it a shawl, a sarong, a scarf, or a wrap.

    Whilst the rebozo is a traditional shawl from Mexico and some South American countries, I found that other cultures used different pieces of cloths in the same fashion.

    Cold countries often us thick, woollen fabrics (think Welsh Shawl or Scottish plaid), and warmer countries, cooler, thin, cotton fabric (think African Kanga or Indonesian Sarong).

    There are almost too many fabrics to count, but one thing is for sure, women have used all sorts of cloths in incredibly versatile ways, and what I’m going to say below about the rebozo is true for many other cultures too. It’s a truly universal practise.

    I spent a few years believing that the use of the rebozo during labour was uniquely South American but I have since met a Somalian midwife who told me how they use their traditional shawl, called a Garbasar, in a similar way during labour. Supporting a pregnant woman from the same country confirmed this, and in fact her mother even showed me how it is used to bind the abdomen post birth.

    I trained a Moroccan birth worker in doing closing the bones, and she was surprised when she started offering the massage that women came forward and told her they’d had a similar treatment in the local hammam (Steam bath/wet room) after birth (using a traditional Moroccan cloth called a Mendil).  Tunisia offers a similar practise called a fouta massage (the fouta is a hammam towel, which is very similar in nature to the Turkish towel-it has become a very popular alternative to beach towels in France recently).

    I am lucky to be part of a multicultural family, being French and married to a man from Hong Kong. In Hong Kong I’ve been told they use a long piece of muslin cloth to bind the woman’s hips and abdomen after birth, and my mother in law showed me how the midwifes taught her to wrap her belly with a towel post birth.

    It’s also quite fascinating to see how contact with foreign cultures can influence each other. For example I recently acquired a Dutch postpartum girdle called a Sluitlaken. I couldn’t help but notice how similar to Indonesian postpartum binding it looks, then a friend pointed out than Holland used to have Indonesian colonies!

    So, what can you do with a rebozo (or a scarf of shawl)?

    Pretty much all cultures on the planet, some kind of cloth is used to cradle and carry a baby. In some cultures is used to rock and soothe the baby too. Rocking is such a primal rhythm we all experienced it in our mother’s womb, that we find it soothing all through our lives.  Even in Europe there are pictures of women wearing their babies in Welsh shawls which date from the 1940s.

    Later, when the baby grew into a toddler and child, she would use the cloth to dress up, pretend play (including carrying toys and/or animals, pretending to carry a baby), make a den etc.

    As the child grew into a young woman she would use the cloth as a shawl to keep warm, as a clothing accessory, a blanket, to carry siblings ( in traditional cultures women learn baby care from a very young age as they tend to live with extended families), and to carry loads on her back or head.

    Later still when she became a woman, she might have been given her own shawl as part of a menarche ceremony. She might have worn a special cloth on her wedding day.

    When she became pregnant, she would have used the shawl to support her belly, and her midwives would have used it to alleviate the aches and pains of pregnancy, and maybe to help the baby move into the best position for birth.

    During labour she would have used the shawl to hang from, to pull on, and her birth attendants would have used it to provide comfort measures, such as sifting, rocking, shaking, and wrapping.

    After the birth she would have had a “baby moon”. Again this is something pretty much universal in the world-women the world around have been alleviated from household tasks and cared for by family members for the first 30 to 40 days postpartum. During this time they would rest so they could recover from growing and birthing their baby and get to know their baby and learn to care for them. Her birth attendants and the community of women would have come to feed her nourishing food, and help her body heal from the pregnancy and birth by using  a combination of their hands, massage techniques and using the cloth to help move and bind her hips and abdomen to help them back into place. In the West we used to have this practise called “churching” whereby the new mother was expected to rest for a month before rejoining the community and be welcome back during a special blessing at the church (you can read about it here). The research I have done for my upcoming book “Why postnatal recovery matters” has also shown me that the rest AND the binding still used to be part of the UK culture, less than 70 years ago.

    She then would have start to use the cloth to carry her baby and start the cycle all over again.

    Later as she grew old, her family members would have used the cloth to rock and soothe aches and pain.

    Women would have been buried with their shawl using it as a shroud.

    So you see, a traditional cloth, rebozo, shawl or cloth can be used to support a woman throughout her whole life. It is a universal phenomenon on our planet.

    As the shawl came out of fashion and modern practises like using pushchairs became seen as more fashionable and desirable, this skill was soon lost, and because like most traditional women-only practises, it was just passed on orally rather than written about, the knowledge was lost very quickly, in one or two generations. We also tend to embrace “modern” practises mindlessly, seeing traditional ones as backwards and old fashioned.

    Mexican and Chinese friends tell me that nobody wants to use the traditional shawl or carrier these days as only remote farmers or beggars still use them.

    This is  something that we need to reclaim and teach all women, as it is part of the essence of women circles and supporting women through life transitions.

    This is why I am so passionate about passing this skills to both expectant and new mothers, and to anybody who works with expectant and new mothers. It is our birthright!

    You can learn more about the Rebozo and its many wonderful uses to support pregnancy, birth and the postpartum in my online rebozo course.

    (This is an update  from a blog I published originally in 2018)

    If you have found this blog helpful and would like to support my work and help me continue provide valuable free information to birthworkers and expectant and newborn families, you can donate to my paypal account paypal.me/SophieMessager.

  • Online services-why should you pay for them?

    Online services-why should you pay for them?

    It’s a very strange and stressful time we are living right now, especially if you are pregnant.

    There is, understandably, a lot of anxiety about the unpredictable and fast changing nature of maternity services.

    I am seeing a lot of comments on social media about people wanting free antenatal classes (because their hospital ones got cancelled), and also questioning why people should still charge for online work, as well as accusing people who charge for online services of taking advantage of vulnerable people

    So I wrote this blog to explain, and debunk myths.

    I have written in the past about why doulas charge for what they do , and also the amazing lengths they go through to help their clients . The same rules apply here.

    Those “free” NHS classes were not actually free. The people delivering those classes were paid to teach them. Whilst the NHS is free at the point of contact, it isn’t “free” (because you pay for it with your taxes) and the people who staff it aren’t volunteers.

    Whilst I understand that many people might be struggling financially, many are also still employed and earning a salary, or at least 80% of it.

    Most of the people who provide perinatal education and support are self employed and run micro-businesses. I’m talking about doulas, independent midwifes, antenatal teachers, antenatal and postnatal exercise instructors, manual therapists etc. These people are it, i.e. their whole business is composed of one person. If they do not teach or do what they normally provide paid services for face to face, they don’t earn any money.  Zip, nada. Right now, most of them are also trying to juggle doing this whilst having kids at home full time.

    I am one of those people. My income has almost entirely disappeared. I still feel grateful, because my husband is working part time in an employed position and working from home. Still, this crisis means that my little, successful-ish, micro business, which took me 7 years to build up, has been reduced to nearly nothing. But at least I know I don’t have to worry about having food on the table. Many of my birthworker and perinatal educator friends aren’t so lucky, because they are single mothers, or their partner also runs a self employed micro business.

    Yet I am also seeing that most of these people (myself included) are still giving a lot of their time for free right now, running free Facebook groups for  pregnant women (believe me these are busy right now), answering worried messages, speaking to anxious women on the phone, running free zoom drop ins etc .

    It is the same as in real life: people should run free/charity stuff if they can and want to, but it shouldn’t be a obligatory or expected thing. If people cannot earn a living, they simply will not be able to carrying providing these services.

    So why should you pay for antenatal education, birth support, or postnatal education/support, if it’s moved online? For the same reason as when would when you pay for support : you pay for the time and money the person supporting you has spent training, the time they have spent prepping the class or one to one, and the years of knowledge and expertise they have built.

    Right now the people delivering these online classes are spending a lot of time thinking and prepping for these to make sure they work online (because making it work online isn’t the same as making it work IRL).

    They are also spending a lot of time self teaching themselves how to use online delivery systems they had never used before (like Zoom), without any support through it.

    Many are also spending money buying extra equipment (like video cameras and microphones or even laptop computers etc) to allow them to run their online services.

    They are all having to manage this whilst having to deal with their own anxieties about the unusual situation we are all in, their own families’ needs, and worrying about their client’s well being.

    I’m an experienced doula, and since I have been working in the birth and postnatal education for ten years, I feel confident and competent in delivering this to families. Yet, at the moment providing Skype or Zoom support to my clients is taking A LOT more time than when I’m doing it face to face.

    This is because when I’m face to face I no longer need to prepare much ahead. I have enough knowledge to deliver at the drop of a hat, I have a small bag of props than I can use to deliver almost every aspect of birth and postnatal education, and I can react to my clients feelings and adapt accordingly.

    This isn’t the case with the Skype or the Zoom stuff, because not only do I have to think and prep in advance how to deliver stuff that is easy face to face but much more complex online (for example teaching someone how to use a sling), but I also have to constantly keep up with the forever changing medical guidelines (the Royal College of Obstetrician has published 8 updates to their guidelines since they published the first one on the 9th of March, that’s 2 to 3 updates a week!). I am also having to keep up with local trust changing guidelines, as well as rake my brain to think about how my clients can support themselves after the birth in the hospital when I know I won’t be able to be there with them physically. Believe me this takes a lot of head space.

    I am not complaining, mind you, because I love learning new skills and this sure is keeping my brain on its toes!

    But if I wanted to be totally fair, I should actually be charging MORE money for all of my time, to reflect all the extra time spent preparing. Instead because most of us want to support women regardless of their circumstances, many of us are offering discounts, payment plans, pay what you can, or indeed free services.

    I am worried that some of these valuable micro businesses, run by passionate people who do it because they care rather than wanting to make a quick buck, will simply disappear.

    Yes, many celebrities are offering free online classes, but these celebrities are likely to have plenty of money. They are also likely to receive revenue through advertisement, so, again, these free classes may not be actually “free”. Whilst their offer is laudable, is it also sadly contributing to the idea that all online stuff should be free. You simply cannot extrapolate what celebrities are doing to micro businesses which are only known to their local community.

    Another thing I have seen is that people say you don’t need the paid services, because you can teach yourself, with these free/cheap resources. Whilst this is true : you can indeed learn from a book, free courses etc, this isn’t the same as getting into a live course or one to one work with an expert in the field. The main ways you can educate yourself about anything fall into 3 categories: DIY, group courses, and one to one tuition. Each one of them has pros and cons, but it isn’t necessarily fair to compare the DIY approach to what you’ll get if you hire someone to work with you one to one. I have explained the pros and cons of this in a previous blog called three ways to educate yourself about birth.

    So if you still have a salary, please consider paying for support rather than just doing free classes. If you are doing free classes with a micro business person and enjoying it, consider giving them a donation, or hiring them for their paid services.

    I promise you that you will still get value for money and incredible support. You will also contribute to keeping someone’s only way of earning a living afloat. And if you worry that online support doesn’t work, I have addressed it in this blog (along with plenty of free classes links). My blog is also full of free recently added resources for pregnancy birth and beyond, including a recent post on how to have a positive birth in unpredictable times.

    I wrote this blog to explain, and debunk the myth, please feel free to share it widely.

    If you have found this blog helpful and would like to support my work and help me continue provide valuable free information to birthworkers and expectant and newborn families, you can donate to my paypal account paypal.me/SophieMessager.

  • How to have a positive birth in unpredictable times

    How to have a positive birth in unpredictable times

    I am writing this because I know that if you are pregnant right now, the lack of information combined with the unpredictability what maternity care might look like when you give birth might be making you anxious.

    I am seeing a lot of worried pregnant women and new mothers asking worried questions on social media at the moment.

    So I am going to try and give you some ways to prepare.

    I have already collated all the information produced by the royal college of obstetricians in this blog.

    Here is a summary of what restrictions are in place right now (I will aim to update it as it changes):

    • No partners or visitors are allowed to accompany women at antenatal appointments (such as blood tests, scans etc).
    • No partners or visitors in antenatal or postnatal wards.
    • Only one partner during labour. This only includes established labour, so if you start labour at home you’ll be able to go with your birth partner of choice to the hospital (as long as you are both symptom free), if your labour is induced, because this is taking place in the antenatal ward, your partner will only be able to join you once you are in established labour and you transfer to the labour ward.
    • Your birth partner can only accompany you if they are well, i.e. free of COVID-19 symptoms (so it might be a good idea to plan for a backup person if you can).
    • Several trusts have suspended homebirth services due to ambulance services being stretches.
    • Because staffing levels are stretched, some trusts have also closed their birth centres.

    Because of the above, it is likely that the only option available for the majority of mothers will be giving birth inside an obstetric unit, or to give birth at home unassisted (something known as freebirth-which is legal in the UK- see Birthright’s fact sheet on unassisted birth , and AIMS’s articles. If this is something you are considering, educating yourself deeply on the topic is paramount).

    I’m aware that this may feel like a rock and hard place situation for many women.

    Whilst I am seeing a lot of anxious mothers on social media groups, I am also reading a lot of positive birth stories, with women relating stories of incredibly supportive midwifes in the face of stretches circumstances, as well as being apologetic about the current restrictions.

    As someone who has been supporting pregnant, birthing and new families for over 10 years, I am accustomed to the fact that birth in unpredictable, and that what makes a good birth experience isn’t what the birth looks like on paper, but rather how the parents were made to feel during the birth.

    I encourage all the families I support antenatally to write 3 birth plans: Plan A which is your ideal scenario, plan B for curve balls such as when induction of labour is needed, and plan C for a caesarean. I wrote a blog about this here .

    I have supported plenty of women who told me that they didn’t like the idea of writing a caesarean birth plan just in case, but that when it came to it made all the difference because it meant they still got some aspects of what was important to them (such as skin to skin in theatre). The situation we are facing now is similar.

    I also encourage women to think about what is really important to them, i.e. I know that there will be plenty of things in their birth plans that they aren’t particularly bothered about, but to highlight in bold or red the stuff that really matters.

    This doesn’t mean that losing your preferred birth options doesn’t matter. It does, and so does grieving the loss of said options. Your feelings matter, and I know this is a very unusual and stressful time.

    Just like I encourage expectant parents to cover all possible scenarios ahead of the birth (because deciding whether you are happy for a major medical intervention to happen during birth is easier to ponder whilst you aren’t in the middle of labour), I know that by getting prepared as much as you can for all possible scenarios, you are more likely to have a positive experience, and to have put things in place that will allow you to retain some elements of control and decision making, regardless of how your birth circumstances unfold.

    Since it is likely you might give birth in an hospital labour ward/obstetric unit, think about how you can make the space as private and homely as possible.

    Here are some example of things you could bring to make the room as cosy as possible:

    • Dim the Lights/use fairy lights/LED candles. A great tip to darken a room without curtains is to bring a couple of rolls of foil: moisten the widows and you can stick the foil to them, making instant black out (make sure to have a torch in case staff doesn’t have one). Another option is to use a sleep mask.
    • Bring some pillows from home/some blankets (they’ll smell like home and be softer/nicer than hospital ones)
    • Bring something nice to smell, such as pregnancy safe essential oils, which you can put on a tissue.
    • Your own music/noise cancelling headphones, some people like to make a playlist.
    • Create a playlist of your favourite music, whether it’s calm or upbeat. Music can help reduce stress and the perception of pain during labour. Start working on that playlist while you are in birth preparations by finding what genres or artists are soothing/relaxing to you. Listen to those tracks or stations throughout your pregnancy; it’ll be familiar during labour and help promote relaxation.
    • Some pictures. I’ve seen couples putting up pictures and/or affirmations on the wall. Some included pictures of the scan, pictures of a favourite holiday place etc. You could make a collage to take with you and blue tack on the wall.
    • Move the furniture around! Here is a video showing how you can move things around inside a typical labour ward room and make use of the furniture to have an active birth

    What if your labour is being induced:

    • First know your rights and options, and that being induced for “postdates” can be a bit of a grey area. I wrote a blog about this here .
    • All of the above, plus stuff to keep you entertained, like books and downloaded movies. Induction can take some time (sometimes several days) especially for first time mothers. Since you will be on your own in a ward, with several other women in the same bay, privacy can be an issue, so sleep mask, earplugs and noise cancelling headphones can be really helpful.

    Regardless of how and where you hope/plan to give birth:

    • Write a multipart birth plan, the process of finding out about options is as important as ever. Remember that nothing should be done to you without your full and explicit consent, even simple medical procedures such as vaginal examinations.
    • The positive birth book has a great set of free icons to download if you’d like to make a visual birth plan-they are also great as a prompt if you aren’t sure about what topics to cover
    • Use the BRAIN  (Benefits, Risks, Alternatives, Instinct, Nothing) acronym to help you through decision making and asking the right questions.
    • In your birth plan, you might want to start with a paragraph introducing yourself to your caregivers, highlighting any really important aspects. The quicker they can get to know you and what you prefer, the easiest it will be for them to establish rapport and support you as best they can.
    • Practise ahead of time techniques to help you stay as relaxed as possible, such as meditation, breathing and relaxation techniques, or movement.
    • Consider hiring a doula. Whilst it’s unlikely a doula will be able to come with you due to the one partner only rule, most now offer remote services. Not only your doula will be invaluable in helping you prepare, she will provide a much needed friendly voice at the end of the phone or video call. I know it sounds odd that we can provide help remotely, but I have personally supported several couples through birth over the phone and I know how much of a difference it can make.

    Ultimately whilst we can control certain things, I think what this extremely unusual circumstances have shown us is the we have the illusion of control of scenarios, when really we don’t have control over it.

    I will leave you with this quote from Sara Wickham:

    “I am so heartened to hear about the generous and creative ways in which many people have responded to this crisis. I’m taking two thoughts into the weekend with me. The first is that there are still plenty of things that are within our control. And the second is that creativity and connection are key to getting us through this.”

    If you have found this blog helpful and would like to support my work and help me continue provide valuable free information to birthworkers and expectant and newborn families, you can donate to my paypal account paypal.me/SophieMessager.

  • Rebozo techniques for relaxation during uncertain times

    Rebozo techniques for relaxation during uncertain times

    I’m seeing a lot of understandably anxious pregnant women since the beginning of the Covid-19 crisis. What will happen to my appointments and when I go into labour? Will I have to give birth alone? What will happen after the birth?

    I’ve tried to address as many of these questions in this blog about pregnancy and the pandemic, this one about postnatal recovery, and this one about online support.

    But I’d also like to offer a simple practical way to relax that you may not know about.

    A rebozo is a traditional Mexican shawl, which, besides being used as an item of clothing, is use to provide great comfort by rocking, jiggling and wrapping a woman’s body, especially during pregnancy, birth and the postpartum.

    I’ve been using rebozos for 7 years, as well as teaching the techniques to parents and birthworkers.

    I have had so many mind blowing experience using rebozos shawls and scarves in my work to support women through pregnancy, birth, the postpartum and beyond, I’m on a mission to pass on this skill to ask many people as possible.

    What the rebozo does, by gently rocking and wrapping you, is calm you right down and bring you back to you body.

    As a species we exist in two extreme opposite states: the fight or flight, and the rest and relaxation stage.

    Right now, understandably, many of you are stuck in the fight or flight state. It’s made worse by the fact that you literally cannot “flight” because we are all stuck at home.

    The simple techniques I describe in this blog are incredibly effective, yet super simple to do, and anybody can do them. You don’t even need a rebozo to do them, something simple like a scarf or a pashmina will do.

    Here are 3 simple relaxation techniques you can use during pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period (or at any other time! These aren’t limited to pregnancy-anybody regardless of gender or age can benefit from their relaxing effect).

    Self-care technique

    • A quick 5 min “reboot” to get you out of your head and into a more relaxed state
    • This is an easy routine to warm and loosen your muscles. It is especially helpful if your energy could do with a boost or if you feel stiff from having sat down for too long (especially after working at a computer), or if you feel anxious or stressed. The technique starts with some shoulder stretches, followed by a shoulder, back and buttocks rub, and finishes with a foot rub. After doing this quick and easy routine you may find that you feel happier, warmer, more relaxed, and more energised 🙂

    Wrapping the shoulders

    • Wrap the rebozo or scarf around the shoulders, cross the ends, then gently tighten and hold. This can be done standing up, sitting down, or lying down. It is a very calming and grounding technique, because the gentle tightening around the ribcage encourages you to breathe deeper into your belly.

     

    Rocking the pelvis

    • This consists in wrapping the rebozo or scarf around the pelvis, then  gently rocking the pelvis. This can also be done with the woman resting her back or arms against a wall for support, as well as lying down on the floor, or sitting on a couch.

    This is a taster version of the full version of my self-study rebozo ebook, or in my rebozo online course. If you would like to buy a rebozo, I have them in my online shop.

    If you have found this blog helpful and would like to support my work and help me continue provide valuable free information to birthworkers and expectant and newborn families, you can donate to my paypal account paypal.me/SophieMessager.

  • Online learning and support for pregnancy, birth and beyond-how does it work?

    Online learning and support for pregnancy, birth and beyond-how does it work?

    Online learning and support for pregnancy, birth and beyond-how does it work?

    As we navigate the unexpected and unstable changes happening in our world right now, a lot of peoples are moving from offering them face to face to online.

    Some of these things that may feel normal and already be part of your life for example you might already be doing some exercise using online programmes or youtube videos.

    They are things that you may never have experienced online and cannot quite get how they are going to work.

    I get that.

    Years ago I was made redundant from a biotech company I worked for. As part of my redundancy I got a package to support me in finding another job. I choose to hire Suzanne Doyle Morris, a female coach I had met through a women in science network I belonged to, and who specialised in supporting women in male dominated fields. I was unpleasantly surprised when she explained that we would be working over the phone, because I didn’t believe it would work as well as face to face. Boy was I wrong! The sessions with Suzanne were extremely powerful and helped me not only see what I wanted to do, but also helped me shift out of the frozen feeling I had, and develop a way of being that had positive impact way beyond the job finding process.

    Fast forward to today-I can imagine if you were looking forward to face to face group classes such as antenatal classes, or had hired a doula, how too may believe that it is not going to work and that there is no point in continuing.

    I get it. I am having doubts too.

    On a normal week I sing in a choir, and I go to a 5rhythms dancing group. These are moving online and I haven’t experienced them yet so I’m feeling a mix doubtfulness but also some of curiosity about how they are going to work online. I have already heard really positive stories from people who have taken part in such groups.

    What I am also seeing however is that pregnant women are really worried about what is going to happen when they give birth, and that the support is needed more than ever.

    As a doula I am used to support people with a mix of face to face and remotely via email, texts, whatsApp and phone calls. I have even supported people through several births over the phone.

    What I can tell you is this: whilst some things cannot be done remotely (such as massage), and face to face support offers something unique, many aspect of support can be provided remotely (for example, I am able to teach techniques to help turn a breech baby or carry a baby in a sling, online), , remote support is still extremely helpful.

    At a time of uncertainly, when things are changing daily, having someone who understands and knows the system, can find information for you, and simply be a listening ear and help you navigate your worries and concerns is invaluable.

    So if you are pregnant or a new mother right, and you are worried or scared, please consider hiring someone who can support you through it.

    Here is a list of people and organisations that can offer remote support:

    One advantage is that you are no longer constrained by distance, so you can lookup antenatal and postnatal classes nationally and pick the ones that suit you best.

    Here is a list of organisations you can get support from:

    Find a doula at Doula UK, the non profit associations for doulas in the UK. Having a doula will help you navigate your birth and postnatal options whilst things change in the maternity services right now, and also guarantee that you have someone to talk to when you need to. I have blogged several times about what doulas do, both to support birth and the postnatal period, feel free to scroll through my previous blog posts to read these.

    Independent midwives

    Antenatal and postnatal education

    Babywearing support:

    Pregnancy/postnatal exercise classes

    Mental health

    Free meditations/relaxation tracks/relaxation techniques

    Mental health professionas/organisations

    • ZoĂ« Tolman  counsellor & psychotherapist specialising in perinatal mental health.
    • Alex Kremer fertility support, birth trauma, hypnobirthing and parenting support.
    • Traumatic birth recovery : practitioners trained in a fast birth trauma release technique called the Rewind technique
    • Make birth better: A collective of parents and professionals working together to end suffering from birth trauma.
    • Mind is a mental health charity, they have a section on postnatal depression
    • Mia Scotland is a perinatal psychologist
    • Saveria EFT birth trauma and birth anxiety sessions
    • Spiritual Health Programme (free)
    • Jo Rogers doula and spiritual companion
    • The Pandas foundation for perinatal mental health
    • SHaRON is a peer support based ehealth system, available via a mobile phone app and associated website.

    Breastfeeding support organisations

    So you see there are a lot of options available, from one to one to group classes, to charities. Do give a try to at least some of the free resources, you might be surprised by how helpful you find them!