Please visit our sister website to read Midwife Virginia Valli’s account of closing the bones
Closing the bones, a journey in-between worlds-by Virginia Valli
Tag: support
Closing the bones, a journey in-between worlds-by Virginia Valli
Why it’s important to sit with the pain
I have just supported another long birth, one that didn’t end up the way the parents were hoping for.
I always find myself raw and open after supporting such a birth.
As a doula I become so emotionally invested in supporting the parents, when thing don’t go the way they had hoped for, I feel sad and powerless.
So usually I sit with that feeling, and I leave my heart cracked open for a few days.
Because I need to sit with it, to honour it to absorb it to process it.
This poem from Michael Leunig sums up exactly how I feel:
“When the heart
Is cut or cracked or broken
Do not clutch it
Let the wound lie open
Let the wind
From the good old sea blow in
To bathe the wound with salt
And let it sting.
Let a stray dog lick it
Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
A simple song like a tiny bell
And let it ring
Let it go.
Let it out.
Let it all unravel.
Let it free and it can be
A path on which to travel.”It’s taken me several years to understand this process. At first when I experienced this feeling I felt bereft and I tried to “fix” it. I discussed it with friends who suggested various self-care tools. And yes, whilst self care is an important part of the process, so is sitting with the pain and the discomfort. I have learnt to make peace with it, welcome it even.
I have the skills to heal myself, and yet every time this happens, I choose not to for a few days, because I feel I have to sit with the raw feeling for a while so I can process it and learn from it.
Sitting with the feeling helps me I am going to reflect on what I was meant to learn from the experience.
I have an appointment booked to see a bodyworker friend who knows how to reset my nervous system after a birth. I often sob on the massage couch and I also often get the most amazing insight as I do so.
So I guess my message is, look after yourself (I have written about self-care before here , and also about how I use Reiki to manage my energy and those of others in the birth room-you can read about this here), but do not necessarily rush to do so, because you may miss out on insight if you do.
If you feel drawn to sit with the pain for a while then there is probably a reason why you’re meant to do so.
Are you full of should?
This week I had a very interesting coaching session with Charlie from Your Time to Grow.
I wanted to talk about how I’ve been feeling like I’ve got too much to do, and how to manage my time better.
It is a recurrent problem for me, I am a busy self employed person with many hats, and many people relying on my support. I am also the mother of 2 young kids, and a wife. There are A LOT of things to fit in my day, and I was wondering how to make it fit better, because I felt that I just didn’t have enough time.
In the past, before I became a mother, I was scarily organised. I was one of those people who planned everything, never forgot anything, and had no tolerance for people who didn’t plan or who forgot stuff.
I was a control freak.
Motherhood rewired my brain completely and I slowly morphed into a less organised but much more creative version of myself.
I wouldn’t trade my more laid back, less organised self for my old control freak self, because I feel much happier and relaxed as I am today.
But I guess some of that control freak mentality is still ruling me a little.
Through the coaching session, Charlie pointed out that when I talked about my day and my workload, there were a lot of “should”. I should be more organised, procrastinate less, do more of this, less of that. You get the picture.
I was full of “should”, and with the should, also full of guilt about the stuff I wasn’t doing.
The thing is, guilt doesn’t serve any useful purpose, in this situation does it? It doesn’t help me do my work any faster, it just makes me feel crappy.
I also realised that I am spending far too much time focusing on what I’m not doing, where I’m falling short of my own standards, rather than focusing on what I’m doing well.
At the end of each year, I tally up what I’ve achieved professionally, and trust me, the list is usually pretty impressive. But at the time, in the trenches, I often forget to celebrate my own achievements, and instead I tend to focus solely on my shortcomings.
Charlie pointed out that I’m actually achieving most of what I set out to achieve. It was very useful to have that pointed out, because I realised that not only I’m actually getting things done, but also that I don’t like to work with a rigid schedule, so that the mindset I had, that I ought to stick to rigid rules and planning, simply is never going to work for me . It got me thinking that it’s OK to work with more flow in my day, and this actually works better for me.
It was a bit of a lightbulb moment to say the least.
I realised that I am doing OK. That although not everything on my to do list gets done (does it ever?), and that it can take me a while to reply to emails, the important things get done and that I work better under a deadline than when I have plenty of time ahead.
And, most importantly, it’s ok to work like that.
Having this discussing freed me of guilt, and left me feeling quite liberated.
It was like someone had just given me permission to be myself ,rather than trying to work by other people’s standards.
I’m going to be experimenting with a new, more flowy way of planning, one that feels good and true to me, instead of forever seeking the magic tool that will fix my workload problems. Because let’s be honest, it doesn’t exist.
What about you, are you full of should?
Today I was healed-a closing the bones story
We recently asked for stories from the people trained in offering closing the bones. We ran a competition to celebrate our 200th member. We wanted their experiences of both giving and receiving. We had many marvellous entries and will be sharing the winning entries over the coming weeks. Here is our runner-up winner, Rosie, with her beautifully touching story, which illustrate perfectly how healing closing the bones can be.
Please visit our sister website to read it
The taboo of the first trimester of pregnancy
We have this weird taboo in our culture about the first trimester of pregnancy. The first rule of the first trimester is you don’t talk about the first trimester. We just don’t tell people we’re pregnant. I don’t know how it started. Before the advent of medicinal chemistry and pregnancy tests were available, I believe we were more in tune with our bodies and had other ways of knowing, so I don’t think it came from “not knowing” with a medical proof that we were pregnant. But these days, it’s like we’re going to jinx it somehow if we tell people. We have to hide it and worry about people guessing because we are no longer drinking alcohol. It’s one hell of a big taboo.
It doesn’t make any sense to me now and it didn’t make any sense to me when I was first pregnant. I wanted to tell people. Sure I didn’t tell my boss and every acquaintance, but I told my close friends and family pretty much the day I knew.
I’m really glad did because, when, after trying to get pregnant for 18 months, I found out I was finally pregnant I was overjoyed. But when I was told at the 12 weeks scan that my baby had died, nothing could have prepared me for the raw grief I experienced. I really needed my loved ones’ support. I am so very grateful for the support I received from the Miscarriage Association. When everyone else was feeding me unhelpful platitudes (“You can have another one” “It wasn’t a real baby yet” “It’s for the best, there was probably something wrong with it”), they understood my grief and provided much needed soothing words of support. My first miscarriage was and still is today one of the hardest grieving experiences of my life.
I discovered a whole new world of grief and silence after my miscarriage- when I burst into tears in a GP surgery after seeing a newborn baby-a kind receptionist accompanied me to another room, and told me she had lost twins herself. As I told my story, more and more women came forward with theirs-I was so shocked to hear how common it was (1 in 4 women people!). Yet until I spoke nobody else did. So we all suffered in silence and lack of sisterhood until we secretly admitted to being part of the club.
Then I went on to have 3 more miscarriages (with a live baby in the middle and another one at the end), I still needed support. Heck I needed a hell of the lot more support than the first time I was pregnant, when I was so blissfully unaware that my baby could die. I was so scared I would lose this baby again. I never experienced the relaxed bliss I experienced during my first pregnancy again. When I had a big bleed at 11 weeks during my last pregnancy and I was petrified with fear that my baby had died-I was extremely grateful for the support of my doula who accompanied me and my husband to the emergency scan at the hospital. Having her there made me feel safe and loved. It felt validating too.
Today, I feel very lucky to have 2 healthy children.
But do I feel that the beginning of pregnancy should be hidden? Hell no!
Let’s look at several different scenarios:
If you’re healthy and your pregnancy is progressing well and everything is as it should-you might still feel extremely tired during your first trimester. You might feel nauseous. You might be sick. You might experience dizziness and blood pressure and blood sugar drops, and just generally not feel great. But because at this time you have no visual signs of pregnancy then you get no support. No jumping queues, even if you feel faint, nobody giving you their seats in public transport, no extra rest breaks at work. No extra kindness, no sympathy. That just sucks! I had several experiences like this during my pregnancies- I felt exhausted, had mild to severe nausea at times, felt faint without warning etc. Shouldn’t we have something in place to give women the support they deserve there? Shouldn’t we be treating them like the amazing, special goddess they are? They are growing a new human being!
When I was only 7 weeks pregnant with my daughter I felt so tired and sick that I had to tell my boss because I had to go and lie down in the sick room at work for a while at lunchtime. I was shit scared to tell her (She was a childless woman and I had only been in the job for 4 months) but luckily she reacted very positively (in fact I recall being so relieved and surprised that I burst into tears!) and I was able to get my breaks without looking suspicious. Funnily enough, once I was told I could have the breaks, suddenly I found I needed them less-because the worry of what people where going to think had been lifted.
If you’re healthy but there are fears around losing your baby; you have a history of miscarriages, your baby was conceived through fertility treatment, then you need some extra emotional support around this time a lot more than you will once the first trimester has passed and once you can start feeling your baby move. If your loved ones know, then they will be able to support you more readily. Similarly, keeping it secret in a bid to protect yourself (to avoid “jinxing” it), means that you may miss out on expressing those fears and having loving people acknowledge and validate them.
If you aren’t healthy during your pregnancy-if you have a chronic illness which is exacerbated by pregnancy, or if you have hyperemesis-you are going to need some extra support too as soon as you find out you are pregnant.
I wish our culture was more supportive of expectant and new mothers in general-and I feel that we need to lift this first trimester taboo-and encourage women to ask for the support they deserve-as soon as they are pregnant.
If you work with pregnant women-please please please consider offering support during the first trimester. Please tell women that you know why they need it. That you understand. That they deserve it. Please explain to them why they might need it. That is isn’t selfish or indulgent. Please signpost women towards sources of support-from specialist groups to alternative practitioners-and if nothing can help-well just know that having our feelings heard and validated can make a huge different. Please spread the word. I am hoping that if enough of us break the silence around this, and more and more women realise that they need support during this special and vulnerable time, then this will help break the first trimester taboo.
PS:
Several women contacted me after reading this blog post, telling me they didn’t want to share their news during their first trimester. I want to say that this is totally fine. It would be just as bad to force women who wish to keep their pregnancy secret to be obliged to do so, as it is to force women who want to share not to. I just wanted to express that I wish that women would choose to keep their pregnancy to themselves do so for the right reasons for them, not because of cultural expectations.
Weaving the cloth of support through a woman’s life, part 3: Using the rebozo to support and comfort through pregnancy and birth.
If you’re a birthworker, you will no doubt have heard of the rebozo, this mystical scarf that can be used to support women in all sorts of ways during pregnancy, labour and birth.
What is a rebozo? It is a traditional Mexican shawl/scarf that women use for all sorts of purposes: to keep warm, to carry loads, to be supported with during pregnancy and birth, and to carry their babies. I’m going to keep calling it a rebozo because this is the most known term in the birth world, but it is much more universal than that. In Ecuador it is called a Manta, and I have found accounts of cloths used all around the world for similar purposes. Often they don’t even have a name. People just use whatever fabric they happen to have.
So, what can you do with a rebozo?
First and foremost, the rebozo can be used to support and promote relaxation. By wrapping the fabric around someone’s body and using it to provide a rocking motion, we are tapping into the most primal rhythm we experienced in the womb, gently rocked by our mother’s hips swaying, by her breathing rhythm, by the beat of her heart. Rocking is universally soothing to all ages.
During pregnancy, a simple sifting (rocking movement) of the back/shoulders, hips or bump can provide a wonderful and easy relaxation for the mother. It works in a manner similar to a progressive muscular relaxation, only it is more powerful because someone is doing it for you. Another reason is it so efficient is that it is impossible to remain tense whilst you are being jostled. When you are heavily pregnant and feeling tired and achy, it is simply wonderful to have someone wrap a rebozo around your bump whilst you are on your hands and knees, and gently lift the weight of the bump off your spine, then gently rock your bump. Similarly, having your hips gently rocked is also deeply soothing and relaxing at the end of a long day.
It is easy to do and the woman’s partner can learn to do this in a few minutes, and can then do it regularly, which is an awesome way of connecting and relaxing and preparing for the birth together. At the end of the pregnancy, when the mother is impatient of waiting for labour to start, it can work wonders in helping her feel more patient and relaxed as she waits for her baby to arrive.
You can also use a rebozo to support your hips before and during pregnancy.
The rebozo can also be used in pregnancy or during labour to help a baby get into an optimal position for labour. By rocking the bump in a hands and knees position, the rebozo can help relax tight ligaments and achieve a more balanced uterus, as well as helping gravity to move baby in an anterior position (see http://spinningbabies.com/learn-more/techniques/the-fantastic-four/rebozo-sifting/ and http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/26255805)
During labour there are many ways a woman can use a rebozo to provide comfort. The mother can knot it and stick it in a door frame for something to pull on, she can use it to cover the windows, cover the hospital bed or equipment and make the room more homely, she can cover her ears or eyes with it to provide a dark, private cocoon. Her birth partners can use it to provide gentle rocking or vibrations on her body, wherever it feels good, for example around her thighs, hips, back, bump etc, to soothe and relax her both during and between contractions, or to provide counter pressure on her hips or lower back.
I offer “mindful rebozo” workshops in Cambridge for doulas and birthworkers. I am also happy to travel and run the workshop in your area. See dates of future workshops here and get in touch if you would like to organise one near you.
