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Sophie Messager

Category: Support

  • Rocking Away the Pain: Innovative Postpartum Rituals for Trauma Healing and Nervous System Regulation

    Rocking Away the Pain: Innovative Postpartum Rituals for Trauma Healing and Nervous System Regulation

    In postpartum care and trauma healing, ancient wisdom is meeting modern neuroscience to create powerful, holistic approaches. Somatic rituals like closing the bones are gaining recognition for their profound impact on both physical and emotional well-being. 

    At the heart of these rituals lie two seemingly simple yet deeply effective techniques: rocking and wrapping. In this article I look at the science behind these practices, exploring how they tap into our primal comfort mechanisms to regulate the nervous system, promote healing, and offer a symbolic journey of rebirth after trauma. 

    Whether you’re a new mother, a trauma survivor, or a holistic or healthcare professional, understanding the transformative power of these rituals can open new pathways to healing and self-discovery.

    What happens during a closing the bones ritual?

    The ritual includes rocking the entire body with scarves (I use Mexican shawls called Rebozos), following by an abdominal massage sequence, and finally a process of tightening the rebozos around the body in sequence from the head to the toes.

    For a longer explanation, read my article What is closing the bones. And, because a pictures speaks a thousand words, watch the short video below to get a taster of what it looks and feels like:

    Play

    How closing the bones supports healing and nervous system re-regulation

    Rocking and wrapping

    Rocking and wrapping, two key elements of the closing the bones and postnatal recovery massage ritual, play a crucial role in calming the nervous system and healing from stress/trauma. These seemingly simple actions tap into deep, primal comfort mechanisms that can profoundly impact both our nervous system and emotional state.

    The soothing power of rocking

    • Rocking is a universal comfort measure, instinctively used by mothers to soothe infants. This rhythmic motion has several benefits for trauma recovery:
    • Nervous system regulation: The gentle, repetitive movement of rocking helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, our body’s “rest and digest” mode. This counteracts the hyperarousal often associated with trauma.
    • Grounding and presence: Rocking encourages a focus on bodily sensations, helping individuals connect with the present moment rather than being caught in traumatic memories.
    • Emotional release: The soothing motion can create a sense of safety, allowing suppressed emotions to surface and be processed gently.
    • Vestibular stimulation: Rocking stimulates the vestibular system, which is linked to our sense of balance and spatial orientation. This can help individuals feel more centered and embodied.

     

    The comforting effect of wrapping

    Wrapping, another key component of these rituals, offers its own set of benefits for trauma recovery:

    • Deep pressure therapy: The firm, encompassing pressure of wrapping, activates the body’s deep pressure receptors. This stimulation can reduce anxiety and increase feelings of security.
    • Boundary reinforcement: For those who have experienced boundary violations, wrapping can provide a tangible sense of where the body ends and the outside world begins, reinforcing a sense of self.
    • Containment: The physical containment offered by wrapping can symbolically represent emotional containment, helping individuals feel safe enough to process difficult emotions.
    • Proprioceptive input: Wrapping provides strong proprioceptive input, which can help individuals feel more present in their bodies – particularly beneficial for those who dissociate as a trauma response.

     

    Neurodivergence and Sensory Regulation

    For neurodivergent individuals with autism or ADHD, rocking and wrapping can be particularly beneficial:

    • Sensory regulation: These actions provide predictable, controllable sensory input, which can be calming for those who struggle with sensory processing.
    • Self-stimulatory behaviour: Rocking, in particular, mimics self-stimulatory behaviours often used by neurodivergent individuals for self-regulation.
    • Anxiety reduction: The deep pressure from wrapping can significantly reduce anxiety, a common co-occurring condition in neurodivergence.

    Symbolic Rebirth and Integration

    Beyond their physiological benefits, rocking and wrapping carry powerful symbolic meaning:

    • Womb-like experience: these processes can recreate a womb-like environment, symbolically offering a chance for rebirth or a fresh start after trauma.
    • Ritual transformation: The process of being wrapped and then unwrapped can represent a journey through trauma and emerging anew.

    In conclusion, the rocking and wrapping elements of closing the bones and postnatal recovery massage offer a unique blend of physiological regulation and symbolic transformation. By tapping into these primal comfort mechanisms, these rituals provide a gentle yet powerful approach to trauma healing, honouring the body’s innate wisdom and capacity for recovery.

    Conclusion

    The practices of rocking and wrapping, central to rituals like closing the bones, offer a potent blend of physiological and psychological benefits. By harnessing the body’s innate healing mechanisms, these techniques provide a gentle yet effective approach to trauma recovery and nervous system regulation. Their universal appeal lies in their ability to create a sense of safety, groundedness, and renewal – essential elements for healing after birth or traumatic experiences.

    The adaptability of these practices makes them valuable tools for a wide range of individuals, including people who are neurodivergent. Rituals like these remind us of the profound connection between body and mind in the healing process.

    For professionals in the field of women’s health and trauma recovery, incorporating these techniques into your practice can offer clients a unique and deeply nurturing path to healing. 

    In embracing these ancient yet innovative practices, we open doors to holistic healing that honours the body’s wisdom and the power of gentle, intentional care. As we rock and wrap away the pain, we create space for a profound sense of coming home to ourselves.

    Learn to offer the ritual

    If you are a holistic professional who supports women through birth, other life transitions or healing and you would like to be able to offer this ritual, I have 3 in person trainings near Cambridge this summer. I also offer an online course version of the ritual which makes it possible to learn this ritual anywhere in the world.

    You can watch the videos below to get a feel of both the postnatal recovery massage ritual (done on a massage table instead of a mat on the floor).

     

    Play

     

  • The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    As a midlife holistic practitioner and mother, I’ve spent the last 6-7 years on a transformative journey from constant overwhelm to inner peace. Through my recent research interviews and personal experiences, I’ve uncovered valuable insights into the challenges faced by women struggling with overwhelm. In this blog post, I’ll share my story, the lessons I’ve learned, and practical strategies for regaining balance in our hectic lives.

    The Research: Common Threads of Overwhelm

    Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been carrying out research interviews in order to gather knowledge about what women need when experiencing overwhelm.

    I offered these interviews to prepare for my upcoming group programme to help mid life holistic practitioners who feel they never have enough time to regain a sense of peace inside.

    There have been very interesting themes emerging from these interviews. Some that I expected, like undiagnosed or suspected neurodivergence, perfectionism, unkind judgement of oneself,  trying to “work harder” out of overwhelm, guilt, a deep resistance to rest.  Some have been more surprising, like loneliness., which of course makes sense because we cannot regulate in isolation.

    The overarching theme is one of being unable to see a way forward (not surprising because overwhelm equal nervous system dysregulation, a state in which we have no access to rational thinking and creativity), and trying to “fix” the problem from the outside in (for example buying many “magic diaries” which promise to fix all your problems-except they don’t work and contribute to deeper feelings of inadequacy).

    I decided to offer this program because overcoming overwhelm has been the biggest journey I’ve been on over the last 6 to 7 years. If you want to read examples of how overwhelmed I used to be, read this article. I’m in a different place now, and feel such deep compassion for these women, as they are where I was, and cannot see a way out. I remember this well, because when in this state there is a sense of desperation to try and get out of the state (which leads to searching for helpful quick fixes).

    A Day in the Life: Navigating Unexpected Disruptions

    The last few months I have experienced a sense of deep spaciousness inside I had never experienced before in my life. But I noticed that it’s easy to become complacent and think you’ve sorted all your shit for good. It does not work this way-maintaining this balance, especially with a very sensitive nervous system like mine, requires constant attention. 

    Because I’ve felt so much better, I dropped some of the support practises I’ve given myself. But my body has been reminding me in loud ways that I need to care for it and be gentle, and not ask for too much all the time.

    This morning there was a stark reminder of the fragility of the balance I’ve built. I went for my morning run with my dog, and when I came back I realised that my daughter hadn’t woken up. She gets picked up by a taxi earlier than before the summer because her school has moved to a new location further away. So I had to gently wake her up, and remind her to try and be quick without stressing her, a delicate balancing act. 

    As we were getting washed in the same bathroom, I realised that my son hadn’t gotten up either. Both of my teenage children are autistic and easily dysregulated too. My son was having a hard time getting up so I spent some time listening to him-sharing feelings of burnout, so early in the school year. This took a while, as the best way to help him re-regulate is to just listen. 

    When he finally got up I went to the kitchen, fed the dog and made myself a cup of coffee. By then I realised that the doubly unexpected disruption to my morning routine had resulted in my feeling dysregulated, leading to the tell-tale signs of feeling mild overwhelm as I busied myself in the kitchen. 

    Knowing that both kids were also off centre, I made them smoothies because small acts of kindness like this make them feel cared for and supported. As I finally sat down to drink my coffee, looking forward to a few minutes of quiet, my son came down, and needed me to listen to his feelings of struggle. I made the time and space inside even though I felt that I needed some quiet time myself. 

    Half way through his sharing, there was a commotion in the next room: my daughter had just spilled her drink all over the floor. I had to stop listening to my son, and help her clean up. Unsurprisingly, by the time they’d both left, I felt dysregulated and overwhelmed myself.

    As I sat at my desk a bit later, I noticed the familiar feeling of procrastination-a sure sign of dysregulation for me. So instead of trying to force myself to work like I used to do, I set a 5 min timer and drummed. I ended up drumming for more than 5 min, and whilst doing so, the idea of writing this blog came up.

    Writing helps me understand myself better, it soothes my soul. It has the added advantage of helping others who read my writing too, which is something I love doing.

    PS: as I finish writing this a couple of hours later, my daughter called saying she’s got toothache. The big difference I notice, having re-regulated myself, is that I’m not thrown by this. I got her an emergency appointment and I’m ok with this bigger second unexpected spanner in the works in my schedule…despite the fact that it’s going to be challenging to fit it in between walking the dog and taking her to the autism social group later this afternoon. This is the power of a regulated nervous system.

    Transformative Strategies: Shifting from Overwhelm to Self-Compassion

    • The Pitfalls of “Working Harder” to Overcome Overwhelm:

    Working harder and hoping you’ll give yourself the gift of rest when you have done everything on your to-do list. Not only does this not work, it actually adds to the feeling of overwhelm. Guess what, your to-do list will NEVER be complete. It is not a way to live.

    • Radical Self-Care: The Non-Negotiable First Step

    If you want to experience more spaciousness in your life, you need to actually give your fried nervous system a chance to actually experience spaciousness. So the top tip is to start putting radical self care tasks as the first task on your to-do list, as a non negotiable rule.

    For me this started with taking walks in nature during my “working time”, and eventually progressed to year round wild swimming. The last 3 or 4 years, these self care tasks are always been the first thing in my diary.

    • Recognizing and Addressing Nervous System Dysregulation

    Learn to notice when you are dysregulated. This can be hard because many of us sensitives can struggle with disconnection from what’s happening in our bodies, and if we’ve been living in this state for a long time, it’s hard to notice what not being overwhelmed feels like. Read the 10 signs of a dysregulated nervous system here.

    Every time you notice signs of dysregulation, make it a priority to spend a few minutes re-regulating yourself. I’ve added a list below

    • Reframing Self-Judgment: Cultivating a Kinder Inner Voice

    Notice every time you are judging yourself, about all the things you aren’t doing, especially when feeling low. Practise reframing this into a kinder inner voice. You may want to meditate, journal or doodle on it. This only needs to take a few minutes. Little and often is the key.

    • Celebrating Progress: The Power of the Ta-Da List

    Write a ta-da list each week. My brain used to only focus on what I wasn’t doing, and forgot all the hard work, only reminding me of all the stuff I had not done. Writing such a list (put 5 min on a timer and write all the things you’ve done that week-I do this looking at my diary because I still forget. This has slowly rewired my brain.

    Quick Fixes for a Dysregulated Nervous System:

    They need to be fast because, in my experience, when dysregulated we rarely have the bandwidth, spoons or energy of doing something that takes 20 min.

    • Quick and effective breathing exercise from Huberman lab
      • Try the Physiological sigh: inhale, then take another sharp inhale on top, then exhale slowly. 3 breaths usually start to make a difference
    • Cold Water Exposure
      • Splash cold water or place a cold cloth on your face or neck, take a cold shower, dip into cold water, or an ice bath if available
    • Grounding Techniques
      • Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste
      • Put your bare feet for 5 min on the grass or earth
    • Progressive Muscle Relaxation
      • Tense and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes and moving up to your head
    • Rhythmic Movement
      • Engage in repetitive, rhythmic activities like walking, lifting your heels up and down, rocking, or swaying your hips
    • Humming or Chanting
      • Use deep, low-pitched sounds to stimulate the vagus nerve
    • Sensory Engagement
      • Sniff or diffuse a blend of calming essential oils (I like Neal’s yard meditation. The vetiver in it is known to help ADHD brains focus)
      • Hold and focus on a textured object
    • Quick movement exercises
      • Put in some music you love and dance for a few minutes
      • Yoga poses like child’s pose or forward fold
    • Mindfulness
      • Do a brief body scan meditation, noticing where you hold tension and actively releasing it.

    Conclusion

    The journey from overwhelm to inner peace is not a straight one, but a meandering path, and a continuous practice of self-awareness, compassion, and intentional care. Maintaining balance requires constant attention, especially for those of us with sensitive nervous systems. By prioritising self-care, recognizing signs of dysregulation, and employing quick re-regulation techniques, we can start to create more spaciousness in our lives and rediscover our inner calm.

    Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. Many midlife women face similar challenges, and there is a way forward. By sharing our experiences and supporting each other, we can support each other to find our path to a more balanced, fulfilling life.

    If you’re interested in hearing more about my upcoming group programme about overcoming overwhelm, send me an email at sophie@sophiemessager.com, to join the mailing list and be the first to know when the program launches around November.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, whether you resonate with my experience, and what helps you.

  • Is impostor syndrome stopping you from sharing your gifts with the world?

    Is impostor syndrome stopping you from sharing your gifts with the world?

    Impostor syndrome is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents, or accomplishments and has a persistent internalised fear of being exposed as a “fraud”. The term was coined in 1978 by psychologists Pauline R. Clance and Suzanne A. Imes, in an article called The Impostor Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention.

    The article includes this paragraph:

    “ Despite their earned degrees, scholastic honors, high achievement on standardized tests, praise and professional recognition from colleagues and respected authorities, these women do not experience an internal sense of success. They consider themselves to be “impostors.” Women who experience the impostor phenomenon maintain a strong belief that they are not intelligent; in fact they are convinced that they have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise.”

    And this:

    “Women who exhibit the impostor phenomenon do not fall into any one diagnostic category. The clinical symptoms most frequently reported are generalized anxiety, lack of self confidence, depression, and frustration related to inability to meet self-imposed standards of achievement.”

    While it’s not an official medical diagnosis term, dictionaries define impostor syndrome as a concept describing high-achieving individuals who are marked by an inability to internalise their accomplishments and a persistent fear of being exposed as a fraud.

    Merriam-Webster dictionary defines it as follow:

    “The persistent inability to believe that one’s success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one’s own efforts or skills.”

    In essence, impostor syndrome involves feelings of self-doubt, insecurity, and fraudulence despite external proof of one’s competence. 

    How I see it manifest in my field of work

     

    Because I have spent the last 13 years working in the perinatal field, as an antenatal teacher, babywearing instructor, doula, doula mentor, healer, therapist, and teacher, I have encountered hundreds of women in this field who experience impostor syndrome.

    In fact I’d go as far as saying that the majority of women I have worked with have issues with this, and that it’s rare and refreshing to encounter someone who doesn’t. And that the rare men I have trained never seemed to have this issue.

    I remember at the end of a postnatal recovery massage training, where a female student asked me if it was OK to charge for this work. In the course there was a male massage therapist and he was utterly surprised that she asked this question, and reframed it in a very helpful manner for her.

    I see beautiful, deeply caring professional women who are incredibly nurturing and massively over deliver what they do for their clients, and yet are held back by unconscious impostor syndrome. I see it manifest in the following ways:

    • Doubting their expertise. Despite having the necessary qualifications, training, and experience, women in these professions often doubt their knowledge and expertise, constantly questioning their abilities.
    • Overpreparation and overworking: to compensate for their perceived inadequacies, they spend excessive time preparing for sessions, classes, or appointments, constantly seeking more training or certifications, or working longer hours than necessary.
    • Not being able to charge enough for their services. Feeling that they need to over justify how much they ask for their time. Feeling embarrassed about asking for money.
    • Reluctance to offer services: they may avoid taking on new projects or offer new services due to self-doubt and a fear of failure, or feeling that they do not know enough yet.
    • Fear of being exposed as a “fraud”: They have a constant worry or fear that others will discover they are not as competent or knowledgeable as they are perceived to be.
    • Minimising accomplishments. Downplaying or dismissing positive feedback, compliments, or recognition from clients, students, or colleagues, believing they don’t deserve the praise, or dismissing the praise and focusing only on their perceived lack.

    What saddens me is that it prevents wonderful women from thriving in their work and feeling good about themselves, despite over delivering on everything they do. It also often prevents them from sharing their gifts with the world.

    My personal experience & how I overcame it

     

    I experienced impostor syndrome even when I was still an employed research scientist, especially when I moved from the field of academic research into the biotech industry. I have shared about this in the past here.

    But I experienced it much more deeply when I became self-employed, especially because I often pioneered services that did not exist in the UK yet, for example when I became a babywearing instructor. I’ve noticed it’s often harder for women to justify charging for something that society has no frame of reference for. Nobody would dream of asking say a hairdresser or massage therapist to work for free, but with the modalities I teach, because they aren’t well known, it’s harder for it to feel “normal” and therefore justify prices.

    Over the last 12 years I have managed to bring my impostor syndrome into consciousness, and from something that held me back in my offerings, into something I recognise and can tame, and which no longer prevents me from sharing my gifts with the world.

    For example, the first time I offered an online course, back in 2018, and 115 people signed up, I had a panic attack over it, because I hadn’t expected that many people to signup. I was crippled with worry that people wouldn’t like the course. This was especially ridiculous because I’d only asked for £20 from people as a group of early adopters to help me build the course. But the unexpected signups really shook me.

    6 years down the line I have created 6 online courses, totalling over 800 students in over 30 different countries. I also feel confident enough now to create the course from scratch with my group of students when I offer a new course. This was unthinkable for me only 3 years ago.

    It doesn’t mean that I don’t encounter uncomfortable feelings around this, I still do, especially when I’m offering something completely new. For example as I write this I’m getting ready to do a drum journey at a midwifery conference, and it sure elicits some mild anxiety about how it will be received, because this is outside of my normal experience. Last year I delivered a talk about the science of drumming to a conference of 150 women drummers, and felt totally in my power, because I knew that my talk would only elicit excitement. Here, I know I’m going to stretch people’s beliefs. However, I see the feelings as they arise, I name them, and I can tap into past experiences of overcoming them to reassure me. Plus I plan to deeply challenge the negative biases as part of my talk and drum experience. Bottom line is: the impostor monster can still rise (bigger growth = bigger monsters), but I can see it right for what it is and tame it.

    “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do.” Marianne Williamson

     

    I feel called to help other women overcome their impostor syndrome.

    It’s a process of self reflection and bringing it into consciousness which is easy to follow. It includes:

    • Understanding the root causes and manifestations of impostor syndrome
    • Understanding impostor fears and what they are trying to protect you from
    • Identifying and shining a light on these beliefs from a kindness perspective
    • Recognising and defusing impostor feelings as they arise
    • Cultivating self-acceptance and self-belief
    • Embracing your unique strengths and talents
    • Learning to reframe and celebrate your achievements

    If this is something you’d like to explore, I’m running an online workshop about it at the end of April, find out more here

    “There is a vitality, a life force, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and there is only one of you in all time, this expression is unique, and if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium; and be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is, not how it compares with other expression.” Martha Graham.

  • Beyond Postpartum Care: How Closing the Bones Benefits All Women

    Beyond Postpartum Care: How Closing the Bones Benefits All Women

    You may have heard of closing the bones for postpartum recovery, but did you know that it also supports healing through life transitions, physical and emotional health, and helps regulate the nervous system, including for people who are neurodivergent?

    Closing the bones is a traditional postpartum massage ritual. It is mostly known for its South American roots, but versions of it exist (or used to exist) on all continents (including in Europe).

    The ritual involves a massage/rocking of the body using scarves, a hands on skin massage, and a sequence of tightening scarves around the body. I use drumming in my rituals as well.

    Closing the bones supports healing:

    • Physically, by providing movement in the joints, muscles, tissues and fluids.
    • Emotionally, by providing space to simply rest and be and be held, as well as for emotions to be honoured, witnessed and released.
    • Spiritually, by providing closure, and bringing energy back to the person receiving it.

    I have written many posts on closing the bones for the postpartum and you can find them below:

    Beyond the postpartum, this ritual supports healing through women’s life transitions and rites of passage, as well as healing trauma and calming the nervous system.

    This includes:

    • Menarche, Motherhood, Menopause
    • Conception and fertility
    • New beginnings or endings
    • Loss: baby loss (miscarriage,  abortion stillbirth), and any form loss
    • Trauma (birth trauma, sexual trauma, shock…)
    • Regulating neurodivergent overwhelm  (ASD/ADHD)
    • Recovering from illness

    Menarche, Motherhood, Menopause

    • The 3 big transitions of a woman’s life, adolescence, matrescense and sagescence, are systematically dismissed, shamed, downplayed, feared, presented as only scary and/or inconvenient, and  in modern cultures instead of the powerful rite of passage that they are.
    • As Jane Hardwicke Collings says “Anything to do with women, or the feminine that is put down, ridiculed, feared, or made invisible, is a clue that it holds great power. Think menstrual blood, think childbirth, think menopause…”
    • A closing the bones ritual (especially one held in ceremony with a group of other women) provides a way to empower, witness and honour these passages.

    Conception and fertility

    • Not only is this ritual a powerful healing experience for the postpartum but I have plenty of personal experience (and other practitioners too) of women overcoming fertility issues after this ritual. It can also be part of a conscious conception process.

    New beginnings or endings

    • A closing of the bones is beautifully suited to support and ritualistically mark new beginnings and endings, such as mariage, divorce, a new career or job (or the end of one). I now use it as part of birthday celebrations for friends, and because I have trained many people in my community in offering this ritual, people tend to ask for it or offer it when people are struggling or when it’s their birthday.

    Loss

    • I have supported many women through loss, from miscarriage to abortion and stillbirth, and I have written a blog post called How closing the bones can support babyloss. 
    • I have also used it to support people through the loss of a loved one, the loss of a community, a relationship etc. It is a perfect way to honour and support grieving and healing through difficult times in life

    Trauma

    • I have used this ritual many times to support birth and sexual trauma, including during pregnancy. 
    • I have also used it to support people through all sorts of other situations causing trauma and or shock, including recently for a friend after she had been in a car accident.
    • I was myself the recipient of such a ritual last year when I was in a very difficult family situation, and it was instrumental in my recovery. You can read about this in my post, ADHD and the kindness boomerang.

    Regulating neurodivergent overwhelm

    • Through the ten years I have trained people in giving this massage, many told me how helpful it was for their kids who were autistic, especially the wrapping. My own daughter loved it and it never occurred to me until she was diagnosed with autism to put two and two together. This year I was diagnosed with ADHD myself, and I have been on a big journey to understand what this means. One of the things I have discovered is that people who are neurodivergent are very easily dysregulated. Closing the bones not only soothes the nervous system deeply but it also helps teach the body what it feels like to be safe.

    Recovering from illness

    • In the past I have used this ritual to support people through severe illness, including chronic lyme disease, and more recently, terminal cancer. Every time I can see how the effects of the ritual are incredibly supportive in this context too.

     

  • Closure book review: How the ending of the Albany Midwifery Practice was about control, not safety

    Closure book review: How the ending of the Albany Midwifery Practice was about control, not safety

    I just finished the book “Closure: How the flagship Albany Midwifery Practice, at the heart of its South London community, was demonised and dismantled” by Becky Reed and Nadine Edwards.

    I found Closure a gripping and soul-stirring book. It peels back the layers surrounding the downfall of the Albany Midwifery Practice, a ground-breaking continuity of care model, which ran from 1997 to 2009 in Peckham, South London. 

    Defying the official narrative that safety concerns were the reasons for closing the practice, Closure exposes and challenges motives rooted in control and suppression. Meticulous research, first-hand accounts, and interviews with key figures paint a vivid picture, demonstrating that the model provided safe and effective care with positive outcomes well above those achieved by local hospitals. They also leave little doubt that the closure was not a mere unfortunate occurrence but a deliberate ploy orchestrated by influential forces.

    Using powerful storytelling, Closure unveils the profound connections and trust that existed between the Albany midwives and the community they served. It portrays the impact of the practice’s nurturing approach on expectant mothers, birth and postpartum experiences, families, and the wider community. The Albany Practice did not just provide exemplary maternity care, it provided a space to build and nurture communities that lasted beyond the childbearing years.

    Closure delves into themes of community, power dynamics, and the complex web of interests that shapes the fate of medical services. It empowers readers to question the narratives imposed by those in authority and to champion the preservation of institutions that nurture the health and well-being of communities. Closure is a catalyst for change, inspiring us to fight for the rights of families to birth where and with whom they choose, and for a maternity care system where connection and compassion prevails.

    Closure stands as a testament to the indomitable spirit of the Albany Midwifery Practice. The time and effort the midwives and their supporters spent trying to prevent the closure of the practise and to raise awareness about the amazing results the practice achieved, is truly inspiring. Sadly their efforts were not successful in preventing the practice’s closure. I couldn’t help but wonder, if the situation had happened ten years later, whether the impact of a powerful social media campaign might have led to a different outcome.

    Reading Closure left me reeling with a mix of intense emotions. I felt a deep sense of outrage as the book exposed the web of deception and incompetence surrounding the closure of the practice. My blood boiled at the realisation that the supposed safety concerns were nothing more than a smokescreen masking a hidden agenda. I also felt familiar rage towards the belittling attitude of medical management professionals towards the midwives and the families who tried to challenge the closure. 

    I kept asking myself: how did a medical institution lose sight of its fundamental purpose—to serve patients and the community? Sadly, this scenario has become all too familiar. For let’s be clear: it wasn’t safety concerns that caused the demise of the Albany, but the fact that it challenged the status quo so deeply. Whenever a ground-breaking and successful model emerges, challenging the very foundation of an existing institution, the response is often one of silencing and destroying the individual or practice behind it, rather than engaging in introspection and self-improvement.

    I also felt a deep sense of empathy and sadness as I read the poignant stories of mothers, families, the dedicated Albany midwives, and the witch hunt against midwife Becky Reed. The testimonies laid bare the devastating impact of losing this wonderful midwifery practice—a sanctuary of care, support and empowerment. My heart ached for the mothers robbed of a trusted support system during their pregnancy journey, and for the midwives whose passion and expertise were trampled and discarded. 

    The rollercoaster of emotions continued, weaving indignation and compassion. Alongside the anger, I felt deep admiration for the unwavering resilience displayed by those affected. They highlighted the strength that can arise when a community unites to fight against injustice.

    Reading Closure made me revisit and confront the realities of power imbalances within maternity care and the impact they can have on individuals and communities, echoing my own experience supporting families as a doula. It stirred a renewed commitment to raising my voice to advocate for change in support of models of care that prioritise connection, informed decision making and evidence based transparency. The book also highlighted how deeply embedded the belief that birth is inherently dangerous is within our culture, and how most of the professionals within healthcare have no understanding of the concept of informed choice.

    Upon finishing the book, it became clearer than ever to me that the current maternity care system is beyond redemption, incapable of self-transformation from its dehumanising model of care. 

    But I also felt hope, as if a turning point had been reached. I have been seeing the signs of transformation everywhere, especially since the pandemic has led to soaring rates of medical interventions such as induction of labour, that simply cannot be justified by logic or evidence. Families and birth professionals are reclaiming their rights to birth as they wish, stepping outside of a system that inflicts harm.  Change is brewing, fuelled by a collective refusal to accept the disempowering and controlling attitude of the current maternity system, and to reclaim the autonomy and sacred nature of the birthing experience.

    The pendulum, when pushed too far in one direction, inevitably swings back the other way. 

    PS:  Closure has also inspired me to write a future blog called The Myth of Birth Safety in Hospital.

  • Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters.

    Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters.

    If you follow me you’ll know that I’ve navigated more than my fair share of challenges over the last couple of years.

    I’ve supported one of my children through severe mental health issues, I’ve navigated the ups and downs of perimenopause, and I discovered that I have ADHD (I got formally diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and I plan to write another post about this). It’s not been an easy time to say the least. When I look back I can see that I’ve experienced chronic stress for 2 years.

    And yet, I also want to know that these challenges are somewhat linked and have all the hallmarks of a rite of passage. And that, despite the challenges, I already know that when I fully come out the other side, I will be happier than I was before. In my case, the growth has been commensurate with the level of pain.

    A couple of weeks ago I attended a talk about ADHD and women. One graph in particular drew my attention. It showed the peaks and troughs of hormones during perimenopause. It looked  like this:

    The messy ups and downs of hormones in the middle made me think: no wonder my world is in chaos. The chaos isn’t just outside of me, it’s inside as well! It reminded me of my experience of puberty, and also of the first few weeks of postpartum (where I also had big emotional ups and downs, and terrible night sweats).  The messy hormone curve has all the hallmarks of a rite of passage,  where there is no solid ground beneath your feet, where you no longer know who you are, where you have to face the scariest monsters, and where who you were, literally, has to die, to give birth to the new you. 

    Added to that, over the last year, my ADHD symptoms increased to a level that has made daily life very difficult. I felt constantly overwhelmed, because within 5 min of getting up I would see ALL THE THINGS that needed doing, and be unable to prioritise them. For example I’d start making coffee, then see that the dishwasher needed emptying, and on the way to that, that the dog’s water bowl needed refilling, that the recycling bin needs emptying, and I would start each task without finishing it, moving to the next and so on. This video illustrates the issue so well! I was aware that I was doing this, but unable to stop myself. I also got woken up several times a night, with night sweats and a racing heart. This would trigger anxiety, as I worried about all the things I wasn’t doing, this would often keep me awake for an hour or more.  I would then wake at 5am with the anxiety mindset, and would not be able to go back to sleep So on top of the low mood, anxiety and overwhelm, I also felt exhausted. How I’ve managed to keep the wheels on my small one woman self-employed business is unbelievable.

    I truly believe that everything is linked. There is evidence that the hormonal changes of perimenopause exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD. It certainly was the case for me, as my symptoms didn’t become unmanageable until last year. However, since I started reading about neurodivergence and discovered I have ADHD,  when I look back, these symptoms had been rising steadily since I started my perimenopause journey in 2012.

    Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I feel that one of the big issues is that we no longer have rites of passages accompanying huge life changes. Just like puberty or becoming a mother, perimenopause is completely unsupported from a community and spiritual point of view, and seen only through a pathological lens.

    Over the last year, on many occasions, I have felt such empathy for what I describe happens to new mothers, in my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters. The need for community support, for rest, for good food (provided by others), and for nourishing bodywork have felt so relevant. I have felt such longing for this myself, and often fantasised about what my life would be if I lived in a close knit community of women. I believe the same needs apply during the perimenopause, as well as during any other big life transition times. We simply cannot do it alone.

    When we no longer have the support of our community to help us navigate big life transitions, we suffer. When our culture is blind to the need for support during these times, unable to see it for the transformation that it is AND when our culture also depicts the transition in negative terms only, then we are completely lost at sea.

    To ride those big transitions, we need to be supported by groups of people who have experienced them, and who can support us through it from a place of gentle understanding and holding. Sadly, the generations before us have also lost this knowledge too, and there is therefore very little holding available. Nobody even remembers that it is a thing!

    Even deep into the depth of the challenges, I felt that the discomfort, the stripping, were all clearing me for something new.  times for the last year or so, as I’ve had to undergo more growth, at a faster rate than I’ve ever had in my life. I already feel how much spaciousness, openness and tolerance this growth has given me. It’s made me aware of unhelpful patterns in my brain, and as I am aware of them, I am no longer run by them. Starting microdosing was instrumental in this, and so did working with a neurodivergent coach.

    This doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been deep pain and a desire to escape it all. As I write this I am aware that a lot of the pain, as it was in those first few weeks of motherhood, stems from wanting my life to be like it was before. The pain is caused by resistance, and by a desire to run away from the pain. When I sink into it, when I stop fighting it, it’s never as bad as I feared.

    But, similarly to the fact that I, and many of the new mothers I have supported as a doula, struggle to adjust to the slower pace of new motherhood and often run themselves ragged by trying to do all the things they did before had a baby (I’ve heard some many new mothers say “I’m not doing anything”), so too does my pain stems from refusing my body’s demand for slowness and rest (which I know is easier said than done as a busy mother of special needs children, but still: the deepest pressure was the one I created myself)

    In the book Second Spring, Kate Codrington talks about the possibility of a menopause gap year. Since the beginning of my perimenopause 10 years ago, I have longed on many occasions to run away from the demands of family life, and entertained dreams of living in a commune of midlife women, tending the land and doing simple crafts. I have longed for peace, and for a slower pace of life, connected to the land and to a community of like minded people.

    I think that’s where the lack of support from society has been the hardest. How on earth are we supposed to pause, to find space for peace and rest, in the midst of the demands of family life in the Western world? I also cannot help but wonder if motherhood later in life (my children were born when I was 35 and 39 and I’m 53 as I write this), means that I have teenagers, when ideally by now they would have already flown the nest and I wouldn’t need to provide so much care?

    If we lived in tribal society, or at least in medium sized communities of people who knew each other, then I imagine that 1) there would be elders who would understand, help understand, and support the process 2) the chores and demands of family life would be shared, this would lighten the load AND meet the needs for human connection, making this time feel easier on so many levels.

    Instead of the support, not only have I had to undergo the transition with neither map nor support, but the added mental health challenges of my child have made an already difficult time unbearable. It’s perhaps no wonder that, now that I am finally out of a deep crisis and survival, my body has collapsed.

    The thing is, you cannot “cure” the rite of passage. You just have to go through it, whether you like it or not. My tunnel has been long and dark and every time I thought I was finally due a break, something worse happened instead. 

    In March we got the news that the funding for my youngest child to attend the small nurturing specialist school I spent 2 years fighting for, was successful. Instead of feeling better, my system crashed. I spent a night in A&E in the worst pain I had ever experienced, and a CT scan showed a kidney stone. I then concussed myself because I fainted due to the pain and hit my head,  and had to spend a week in bed instead of going on the beautiful, much overdue holiday I had booked for my family to celebrate. Then for most of April, I felt the worst mood swings, tearfulness and exhaustion I had ever felt. I would go to bed at 8h30 and still waking up tired. I felt joyless. I became so tired and fed up with feeling like this. I desperately needed space to breathe, and feel like my normal self again. I longed for peace and calm.

    I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, but even with the right to choose route, I am now on a 6 month waiting list before I can start titration (and I’m not sure ADHD drugs are something I want to take for the rest of my life either, having tried some already, read about this here). My GP ordered a bunch of blood tests, and suggested I try HRT. My first response to this was a complete no, because I feel that using drugs that put a lid on symptoms doesn’t resolve the underlying issue. My instinct also told me that they may prevent the spiritual development that goes with the drop in hormones.

    However, over the last 10 years I’ve tried many different holistic approaches (and one less holistic): I’ve worked with 2 herbalists, I’ve tried CDB oil and many other supplements, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, family constellations, counselling, coaching, EFT, MAP, microdosing, antidepressants, emotion doodling, and more forms of bodywork and healing that I care to count (somatic massage, thai massage, reflexology, osteopathy, lomi-lomi, bowen, Rolfing, TRE, sound healing, Reiki, and more). They all provided some healing and some respite, but I was now in a place where none of these holistic approaches seemed to be enough anymore.

    I also developed regular weekly nurturing practices (all of which I can now see are dopamine raising activities), such as wild swimming, drumming in nature, and 5thythms dancing. When I started doing these, and a for a few years, they had a deep transformative effect on my wellbeing, and brought me calm and joy. Today, they still sustain me, and are an important part of my wellbeing, but somehow aren’t enough to keep me in a place of trust and peace.

    I had a chat with my neurodivergent coach, and she said that I wasn’t just coping with the menopause but with a lot of other challenges at the same time. She said that I could try HRT and see if it worked for me, and this was useful as I think I felt that it was all or nothing. In 2022 I tried antidepressants and hated it, and I thought this might be worth a try, at least to know if it helped or not.

    In my typical fashion (thank you ADHD hyperfocus!) I researched HRT deeply prior to the appointment with my GP to discuss it. I joined groups, I read books and articles, I spoke to a lot of people. One of my fears was that it would stop me from undergoing the spiritual development that comes with the menopause. I reached out to menopause mentor Kate Codgrinton, as I’m reading her book, Second Spring. When I mentioned my concerns, she said that some women found that the HRT sometimes helped their spiritual growth, giving them more time and space to put helpful practices in place in their lives. In Second Spring there is a section about HRT, and it fits with what I believe. Menopause, Kate says, is a caterpillar to butterfly process. The hormones support can help you stay a strong caterpillar but not support you to become a butterfly. Reading this, I realised that I needed to be a strong caterpillar for my family at the moment.

    My fears alleviated, I decided to give HRT a try.  I started taking it last week after researching the different forms (I choose to have the estrogen gel and micronised progesterone. I particularly like Dr Newson’s prescription guide to HRT). I could feel a difference within 3 days of starting the estrogen gel, with improved mood, sleep, and energy.

    Just as I’d hoped, a week on, not only do I feel calmer and happier and have more energy, I also have enough spaciousness inside of me to start looking at my life and putting things into place to feel better. I spoke to my coach about things I could do to improve my mental health and she suggested I make a jar with activities I can do when I feel low. She said when you feel stressed you cannot think. I made the jar there and then (when before the idea of having another task filled me with dread), and I was surprised by the list of ideas I wrote (once I got going I realised that I had a lot more ideas than I thought. You can find my list below.

    The re-regulating / grounding jar list

    • Go for a walk (with the dog)
    • Cuddle/play with the dog
    • 5 min dancing (Use Tankwa Town track which is like a a short 5rhythms wave Daniel’s joik track, or the Double Touch track  depending on mood and need)
    • Craft something (even if only for 5 min)
    • Doodle how I’m feeling (draw a person with thought bubbles)
    • Go to the river (swim or just contemplate)
    • Sensate break (10 min)
    • Self Reiki (10 min)
    • Drum (10 min)
    • Rebozo self massage (5 min)
    • Meditate (5 min)
    • Breathe slowly (5 min)
    • Smudge myself and/or my space
    • Sway hips (5 min)
    • Breathe against a wrapped rebozo
    • Notice things I can see, smell, hear
    • 5 min gratitude (think, write, or speak)
    • Take some rescue remedy sweets (easier to consume mindfully)
    • Diffuse or sniff uplifting or calming essential oil blend
    • Walk bare feet on the earth
    • Touch trees/plants

    If you want to create one for yourself, feel free to be inspired by my ideas, but make sure you add stuff that works for your unique self too. And remember that, if you pick a paper in the jar and you don’t like it, you can put it back and choose something else!

    Time will tell if it works, but writing the list uplifted me, as I realised I have more options/knowledge than I thought, and I also noticed that these activities are more likely to work for me than a list written by a stranger.  You’ll notice that a lot of the activities are short. This is because when I feel low, I have resistance to doing anything, and I’m more likely to want to do something that takes 5 min than 20. Incorporating micro habits like this in my life feels do-able. And more importantly, it also feels like something that can bring restoration to my life in real ways, rather than waiting for something that takes a couple of hours like a massage. 

    I hope you find this useful and helpful if you are experiencing similar challenges. I would love to hear about your experience.

     

  • What trying ADHD medication has taught me

    What trying ADHD medication has taught me

    A few days ago, a friend suggested that I try taking one of her ADHD meds. I was telling her about my desire to try medication as I felt overwhelmed all the time, and about my frustration at the wait required, even with private psychiatrists. She suggested I try her medication, so that I would know if it worked for me. I took one pill, and it was a revelation. For the first time in years, I felt calm and peaceful for most of the day. It made such a difference that thinking about how I felt before made me want to cry. 

    After taking the medicine, I went for a swim in the river. Usually after my swim I read a book or check stuff on my phone whilst I drink my coffee. This time I felt compelled to take my flask to sit on the stepladder at the water’s edge, without my book or my phone. I noticed this desire because it was really unusual for me.

    As I sat and sipped my coffee, doing nothing else but sitting and contemplating, I noticed things I had seen in so much details before, such as the reflection of the clouds and sun on the water, the dance of the damselflies on the water lilies, and many other details. It was so beautiful I was enthralled. It is not that I hadn’t seen these things before, but rather that I had never seen them in such beautiful mesmerising details. I hadn’t been able to see before because my brain was always so busy. 

    The most noticeable difference, the one that brought me close to tears, was the contrast with before. I felt so content, sitting there, doing nothing else but sitting and watching. I didn’t feel like I ought to be doing anything else. I hadn’t quite realised how fraught I had been feeling for such a long time until then.

    It felt as if before my brain was a train station with far too many trains coming in all at once, and now, fewer trains were coming in in slow and orderly fashion. And I could see them coming, instead of having to react to all of them without warning.

    Later when I came home I noticed that I no longer felt overwhelmed by doing stuff in my house, because rather than seeing the tasks all at once and feeling overwhelmed, the order in which they needed to happen was simple and clear. I also noticed that I was more patient with my family, calmer, had more clarity, and therefore felt able to better articulate my needs instead of feeling reactive.

    I did this experiment because I’ve been considering taking ADHD meds for some time, and I’m also aware, having spoken to my GP about it, that GP cannot prescribe them, it has to be done by  psychiatrist. The GP told me that it would be over a year long wait just to get a diagnosis, let alone prescription. I thought, OK I’m willing to go private for this. Only when I started contacting private psychiatrists, I discovered that they all have weeks long waiting list (the one that I was recommended as perfect for me isn’t taking new clients until at least January 2023!). Before putting energy into the process, I wanted to know if it was worth the effort, the fight, and the wait, and it seems that it might be.

    How I discovered that I had ADHD in my 50s

    If you had told me I have ADHD a year ago I would have laughed. I never did consider myself a neurodivergent person.

    A year ago, it was first suggested to me by a teacher that my youngest child might be autistic, and that this might be the cause of her struggles. I was dismissive at first, as she didn’t fit the image I had of autism in my mind (I now realise that this image was incredibly narrow). However, I started gathering knowledge on this topic. I read books and articles, I joined groups, and I talked to a lot of friends who had autistic kids.

    As I read it became clear that the teacher was right, and this led us down the route of getting a private diagnosis which confirmed this. Amidst the struggle, and the conflicting feelings that came with the diagnosis, the gift of discovering that I have an autistic child, was that the reading led me to discover my own neurodivergence. This is how I came to understand that I have ADHD (Actually I think I have ADD rather than ADHD. I don’t think I have the hyperactive part). I had this narrow view of ADHD being a little boy who fidget and cannot pay attention, so it had never occurred to me that this might be me. I’ve also learnt that it present very differently in female, who often mask it, and it’s very common for it not to be diagnosed until adulthood. I haven’t got a formal diagnosis yet, but I have diagnosed myself by taking self assessment questionnaires and reading and talking to friends who have it. Plus taking the drug was a confirmation as if I had a neurotypical brain it should have made me feel wired rather than calm. 

    There is a saying that what you focus on expand, and as I shared my newly discovered diagnosis with co-working people on the Focusmate app (This coworking app has been a revelation for me to overcome time blindness and procrastination. Perhaps not surprisingly it is full of neurodivergent people), someone suggested I join the Facebook group ADHD for Smart Ass Women. 

    This group was a revelation, and the accompanying podcast is fantastic. It really helped transform my view of ADHD. I learnt about so many high achieving women having it (I fit this bill myself) and it also helped me understand myself better. My ADHD symptoms weren’t that noticeable until I hit my early 40s, and when I listened to the podcast episode where a London doctor, Dr Susan Varghese explains that she didn’t have noticeable ADHD symptoms until the perimenopause, I thought, that’s exactly what happened to me. When I look back I always had ADHD traits, but the symptoms weren’t strong enough for it to be an issue until then.

    Discovering that I have ADHD has been extremely empowering. I’m able to understand myself so much better, and most importantly, be kinder to myself:

    • I understand why I feel so overwhelmed much of the time. 
    • I understand why over the last few years I’ve embarked on so many dopamine raising activities (such as cold water swimming and 5rhythms dancing).
    • I understand why trying to meditate whilst sitting still is so hard for me, and why drumming and movement meditation work better for me. I find it quite telling that I started blogging about my journey to get out of overwhelm about 5 years ago. I understand why working with coaches who have helped me organise my time in a holistic way has been invaluable, and also why working with other more mainstream coaches in the past only increased my overwhelm.
    • I understand why switching to a ketogenic diet 4 years ago has done wonders for my mental health.
    • I understand why even though I’ve put a lot of effort, tried so many lifestyle changes, complementary therapies, supplements and herbs, and that things seemed to be working for a while, as my hormonal profile changes further (I’m at the cusp of the menopause now), things that helped then no longer seem sufficient in helping to manage my symptoms right now.
    • Most importantly, as I’m learning I’m also starting to slowly put strategies and hacks in place to manage my overactive mind, my anxiety, and my overwhelm.

    Recent books I’ve read and  found really helpful:

    (On a side note, I used to find it challenging to find the time to read books, listen to podcasts or videos, and I’ve found it very helpful to listen to these things whilst I drive, prepare food, or do chores-it makes it far less tedious.)

    I’m hoping to explore more things and changes to put in place to manage my emotions and executive functioning better. I’m planning to pursue getting a formal diagnosis with a private psychiatrist and try medication to see if it works for me. I’m also planning to hire a ADHD coach.

    I will carry on sharing my journey to help others who are in the same situation. I’d love to hear if this resonates, or if you are on the same journey, what has worked for you.

    PS: I’m normally quite adverse to taking drugs, and much prefer more holistic options like better nutrition, supplements, and lifestyle changes. I have also tried dozens of complementary therapies. However, I am also in a position where I feel that these are currently not enough and I feel too overwhelmed by normal life most days to function well. For me, it is a tool, a bit like when people are so depressed they cannot function and using anti-depressant short terms can help them rise from the bottom of the abyss enough to make positive changes in their lives. The medication I tried is called Vyvanse (Lisdexanfetamine).

  • The importance of switching off when you work for yourself

    The importance of switching off when you work for yourself

    I’ve been working as a solopreneur for 10 years.

    The first year I went away on holiday, as a newly self-employed birth worker, I noticed that I was still responding to work emails, something I never did when I was an employee. I didn’t resent it but I was very conscious of the difference. As an employee, I used to truly switch off when I was away, and I rarely worked outside of my contracted hours.

    Sure, in my pre-parent years whilst working a postdoc and then for a biotech start up I worked very long hours, including weekends and evenings, but chose to do so myself and didn’t resent it. After becoming a parent, I did the odd bit of work in the evenings and at the week end, but mostly I went home and did not work, and certainly never worked whilst on holidays.

    Since I left science and started working for myself, my business has kept growing. There is always stuff to do, and at the beginning I was rarely switching off in the evenings or during the week-end.  I also interact with a lot more people than I did at the beginning, so there are messages coming from many different sources and apps, messages on my business page, comments and questions, and so on, which need replying to.

    In the digital age with live in, where the boundaries between work and home are somewhat blurred, I might have ended up there anyway if I’d remained a scientist. I read Cal Newport’s book, A world without email, and his description of the corporate world of today certainly seems fitting with a constant barrage of messages.

    As I’ve grown older and a more experienced self employed person, I have become more conscious than ever of the need to establish firmer boundaries in my life between work and play, to be more present to myself and my family, and to resist the desire to answer yet one more email or message. The downside of being self employed (the upsides far than make up for it however!)  is that I used to have an underlying feeling of guilt when I was not working.  I found myself thinking that I ought to work 9 to 5 and be productive all the time, something that I now see as a hangover of our education and workplace system.

    About 4 years ago I embarked on a journey to get out of this productive overwhelm, and I blogged about it here. I ended up writing a whole collection of posts on the topic, which you can find listed in this post. It has been so utterly transformative that I am think I may end up creating a course to help others do the same.

    The other important aspect to consider is, when you have chosen a path that involves giving and caring for others, you need to spend time away from that, refilling your own tank and giving to myself, before I am ready to give again to others (I wrote a post about that too).

    During my first summer break as a self employed doula/birth educator, I was quite shocked to notice how tired I was, because for the first for the first 3 or 4 nights of my holidays I slept for nearly 12h each night (a normal night for me is usually between 6 and 7h of sleep).

    In recent years, I’ve learnt to plan for time off work by putting in in my diary so I know what my availability is and I also know not to over commit myself. I’ve also become much better at feeling my body’s energy and wellbeing, that when I need to slow down I feel the need before I reach crashing point. February to April this year were an intense time for me, supporting my last doula clients, and having a new puppy to care for, and launching 3 online courses (the postnatal rebozo closing ritual course, updated rebozo for pregnancy and birth course, and my new How to run a mother blessing course). I really feel the need to slow down and recharge deep in my bones.

    Ahead of my holidays, I plan my work so that I can truly switch off. I am going to have long leisurely days with a lot of time outdoors, some long, social family diners, I’m going to read more books and swim in as many bodies of water as I can. Bliss.

    And when I’m back at my desk, I am going to continue refining my work-life balance, so that I am in a state that works for me, keeps me purposeful and happy, to keep putting the things that keep me fuelled like drumming, wild swimming and dancing as the most important things in my to-do list,  and spend as much time as possible being joyfully present.

     

     

  • Baby shower? Have a mother blessing instead.

    Baby shower? Have a mother blessing instead.

    What is a mother blessing?

    You probably have heard of a baby shower, but have you heard of mother blessing? It is a celebration and honouring of a woman’s transition into motherhood. A mother blessing is a celebration that takes place during pregnancy and which is designed to celebrate and support the mother and her upcoming birth and postpartum period. Contrary to a baby shower, where all the focus and presents are on the baby, a mother blessing places the mother at the centre of the attention and support. It is a gathering, usually of women, coming together to celebrate the expectant mother, to honour her and give her loving attention, good wishes and support for the birth and the postpartum period.

    I wrote about this in the past  but I want to expand and explain the process a bit more, as I have gained a lot more experience in running these rituals.

    What happens during a mother blessing?

    Altar centerpieceThere is no prescriptive recipe. It is about having a gathering to celebrate the mother in a way that feels good for her. The most important aspect is that she feels loved and nurtured, and that the event is tailored to her needs. I used to think that mother blessings where always a hippy affair, but I have come to realize that, whilst they are powerful and spiritual in nature, it is not the way they look like that makes them special but rather it is the intention behind it and how people come together to hold it.

    Offering mother blessings through the years has taught me a lot. For example I organized one for a mother who is Christian, and she was worried that the event would involve spiritual aspects that would be incompatible with her religion. I reassured her that this wouldn’t be the case and that we would make sure that what happened was in line with her beliefs.

    A mother blessing is a gathering a friends and family of the mother. Here are some simple logistical aspects to think about:

    • Discuss the gathering with the mother
    • Plan the structure of the gathering, with a beginning, middle and end
    • Choose a venue and date
    • Invite the guests
    • Ask people to bring things to share such as reading a poem, or a singing a song, and meaningful gifts for the mother, and something to eat at the end
    • Run the event

    Here are some of the things I like to do to make a mother blessing special:

    Setting up the space

    I like to make the space special with colourful fabrics, flowers, candles, and lovely smells and sounds, like a sanctuary. Be guided by what the mother likes and tailor the level of woo accordingly.

    Starting the ceremony

    I like to have a simple ritual to mark the beginning of the ceremony, such as smudging or ringing a bell. Start the process with a short sharing circle, for example, having everyone introducing themselves saying their name, the name of their mother and maternal grandmother (in my case: I am Sophie, daughter of Michelle and granddaughter of Jacqueline).

    If it feels right, singing a short circle song can be lovely too. For example, I like the song The river is flowing.

    The ceremony itself

    Here are some simple ritual activities to build into the ceremony can involve:

    • Ask everyone to bring a bead to give to the mother. As each person presents her bead, they explain why they chose it, and what it represents. The beads get threaded on a string to make a necklace that the mother can wear or use like prayer beads during labour or the postpartum to remind herself of the circle of support around her.
    • Pass some wool or string around the circle and have everyone wrap it a couple of times around one of their wrists. Once everyone is bound by the thread, pass scissors around to cut it and have everyone knot the thread around their wrist or ankle and keep it until the baby has been born.
    • Gift a small candle (like a tealight) to everyone, and a bigger one to the mother. When the mother goes into labour, people will be notified (for example in a WhatsApp group) to light their candle and send love and good wishes for the birth.
    • Have guests read texts, poems or sing songs (some lovely examples here)
    • Do something nurturing for the mother, for example massaging her hands or feet.
    • Have people bring or pledge some gifts for the mother for the postpartum. For example vouchers for postnatal massage or closing the bones ceremony, postnatal doula vouchers, food delivery, feel good products like postnatal herbal baths or massage oils, promise to come and clean her house/hold her baby whilst she sleeps etc.
    • Have a final sharing circle at the end.

    Finally, have some informal time afterwards to share food, some tea and cake (a groaning cake would be lovely) or a potluck meal. It is always lovely to have some informal chatting and eating time after the ceremony.

    What are the advantages of having a mother blessing?

    The main point of the mother blessing, besides making the mother feel loved and cherished, is to redirect the focus of the support towards the mother rather than the baby. Encouraging the mother to write a postnatal recovery plan, and/or using said plan to ask friends to provide pledges for the postartum is a good way to think ahead about what the mother might need after the birth (you can use my free postnatal recovery plan download as a template for this).

    Beyond the mother herself I have found such ceremonies deeply moving for the facilitator and for all the people involved in the gathering. Western societies lack rituals to celebrate life transitions, and bringing this back into our culture is very powerful and meaningful. People often say that they had never taken part in something like this and how much they loved it, and wish they had one themselves.

    I especially love to bring the whole process full circle, by bringing back the same group of people to honour the new mother a few weeks after the birth in a closing the bones ceremony.

    In 2020 I have also participated in mother blessings over zoom. The process was the same e xcept that we sent cards and beads by post ahead of time. It was still very special and meaningful.

    I am offering an online course on how to run mother blessings.

    Here is a short video showing snippet of mother blessings and workshop I have run in the past

    Play

    (The Henna tattoo belly painting on the main picture, was designed by Jo Rogers as part of a mother blessing)

  • Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs for the postpartum

    Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs for the postpartum

    You have probably heard of Abraham Maslow’s hierarchy of needs pyramid ( if you haven’t here is a good introduction article)

    Maslow was a psychologist who introduced the concept of the hierarchy of human needs as something that underpins motivation. This hierarchy suggests that people are motivated to fulfill basic needs before moving on to other, more advanced needs.

    I’d like to introduce you to a version of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs adapted to the postpartum.

    Maslow’s theory dates back from 1943 and since it has been criticized to say that the needs depicted don’t necessarily come into an order as simple as this pyramid, and that they can be in any order. I personally feel that the needs described here are basic needs for any human to thrive, and even more important for a new mother during the first weeks post birth, whilst she learns to mother her infant and find her feet as a new mother.

    I like this model because it is well known within the Western world, and because it can be helpful to help supporters visualise what the needs of a new mothers are, and see how these needs aren’t usually met in the modern world. With this model in mind it’s easy to see why a new mother needs to be at the centre of a circle of support to be able to thrive.

    Survive

    The most basic needs, the surviving needs of a new mother are the physiological needs for sleep, food, water, and warmth. I’ve also added bodywork because for me it is fundamental to help a new mother recover and heal faster. Postpartum bodywork used to be (or still is in many parts of the world) given as standard in every culture around the world. When you imagine trying to meet all these needs whilst caring for a new baby, it is easy to see it is almost impossible without support from others. This is why social support is so essential during the postpartum. Another adult in the house to cook, clean, tidy up, and hold the baby whilst the new mother sleep is a basic need, and not a luxury.

    Live

    Feeling safe as a new mother only comes when there are enough resources, and enough support around so that her wellbeing and health doesn’t suffer. The need for safety is also met by community support, because it helps the new mother to regulate her emotions. Experienced mothers around her make a huge difference in terms of meeting the challenges of new motherhood.

    Love

    The sense of belonging that comes from having loving relationships is much easier to meet when it is provided by friends, family and the community rather than just the partner as it tends to be in the Western world. Showering a new mother with loving attention and nurture goes a long way into helping her to recover after the pregnancy and birth.

    Esteem

    Nurturing supporters make sure that they point out all the things that the new mother is doing right, rather than showering her with conflicting advice that undermines her flailing sense of competence

    Sense of self

    With all the bottom layers needs being met, the new mother can develop a healthy and strong sense of self in her new identity as a mother.

    When you look at this pyramid, it is easy to see that, in our modern culture, the most basic survival needs aren’t usually met, let alone the more complex needs in the upper part of the pyramid.

    If you know someone who is pregnant or who has recently given birth, I invite you to use this hierarchy of needs for the postpartum as a blueprint to offer them nurturing support.