As a midlife holistic practitioner and mother, I’ve spent the last 6-7 years on a transformative journey from constant overwhelm to inner peace. Through my recent research interviews and personal experiences, I’ve uncovered valuable insights into the challenges faced by women struggling with overwhelm. In this blog post, I’ll share my story, the lessons I’ve learned, and practical strategies for regaining balance in our hectic lives.

The Research: Common Threads of Overwhelm

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been carrying out research interviews in order to gather knowledge about what women need when experiencing overwhelm.

I offered these interviews to prepare for my upcoming group programme to help mid life holistic practitioners who feel they never have enough time to regain a sense of peace inside.

There have been very interesting themes emerging from these interviews. Some that I expected, like undiagnosed or suspected neurodivergence, perfectionism, unkind judgement of oneself,  trying to “work harder” out of overwhelm, guilt, a deep resistance to rest.  Some have been more surprising, like loneliness., which of course makes sense because we cannot regulate in isolation.

The overarching theme is one of being unable to see a way forward (not surprising because overwhelm equal nervous system dysregulation, a state in which we have no access to rational thinking and creativity), and trying to “fix” the problem from the outside in (for example buying many “magic diaries” which promise to fix all your problems-except they don’t work and contribute to deeper feelings of inadequacy).

I decided to offer this program because overcoming overwhelm has been the biggest journey I’ve been on over the last 6 to 7 years. If you want to read examples of how overwhelmed I used to be, read this article. I’m in a different place now, and feel such deep compassion for these women, as they are where I was, and cannot see a way out. I remember this well, because when in this state there is a sense of desperation to try and get out of the state (which leads to searching for helpful quick fixes).

A Day in the Life: Navigating Unexpected Disruptions

The last few months I have experienced a sense of deep spaciousness inside I had never experienced before in my life. But I noticed that it’s easy to become complacent and think you’ve sorted all your shit for good. It does not work this way-maintaining this balance, especially with a very sensitive nervous system like mine, requires constant attention. 

Because I’ve felt so much better, I dropped some of the support practises I’ve given myself. But my body has been reminding me in loud ways that I need to care for it and be gentle, and not ask for too much all the time.

This morning there was a stark reminder of the fragility of the balance I’ve built. I went for my morning run with my dog, and when I came back I realised that my daughter hadn’t woken up. She gets picked up by a taxi earlier than before the summer because her school has moved to a new location further away. So I had to gently wake her up, and remind her to try and be quick without stressing her, a delicate balancing act. 

As we were getting washed in the same bathroom, I realised that my son hadn’t gotten up either. Both of my teenage children are autistic and easily dysregulated too. My son was having a hard time getting up so I spent some time listening to him-sharing feelings of burnout, so early in the school year. This took a while, as the best way to help him re-regulate is to just listen. 

When he finally got up I went to the kitchen, fed the dog and made myself a cup of coffee. By then I realised that the doubly unexpected disruption to my morning routine had resulted in my feeling dysregulated, leading to the tell-tale signs of feeling mild overwhelm as I busied myself in the kitchen. 

Knowing that both kids were also off centre, I made them smoothies because small acts of kindness like this make them feel cared for and supported. As I finally sat down to drink my coffee, looking forward to a few minutes of quiet, my son came down, and needed me to listen to his feelings of struggle. I made the time and space inside even though I felt that I needed some quiet time myself. 

Half way through his sharing, there was a commotion in the next room: my daughter had just spilled her drink all over the floor. I had to stop listening to my son, and help her clean up. Unsurprisingly, by the time they’d both left, I felt dysregulated and overwhelmed myself.

As I sat at my desk a bit later, I noticed the familiar feeling of procrastination-a sure sign of dysregulation for me. So instead of trying to force myself to work like I used to do, I set a 5 min timer and drummed. I ended up drumming for more than 5 min, and whilst doing so, the idea of writing this blog came up.

Writing helps me understand myself better, it soothes my soul. It has the added advantage of helping others who read my writing too, which is something I love doing.

PS: as I finish writing this a couple of hours later, my daughter called saying she’s got toothache. The big difference I notice, having re-regulated myself, is that I’m not thrown by this. I got her an emergency appointment and I’m ok with this bigger second unexpected spanner in the works in my schedule…despite the fact that it’s going to be challenging to fit it in between walking the dog and taking her to the autism social group later this afternoon. This is the power of a regulated nervous system.

Transformative Strategies: Shifting from Overwhelm to Self-Compassion

• The Pitfalls of “Working Harder” to Overcome Overwhelm:

Working harder and hoping you’ll give yourself the gift of rest when you have done everything on your to-do list. Not only does this not work, it actually adds to the feeling of overwhelm. Guess what, your to-do list will NEVER be complete. It is not a way to live.

• Radical Self-Care: The Non-Negotiable First Step

If you want to experience more spaciousness in your life, you need to actually give your fried nervous system a chance to actually experience spaciousness. So the top tip is to start putting radical self care tasks as the first task on your to-do list, as a non negotiable rule.

For me this started with taking walks in nature during my “working time”, and eventually progressed to year round wild swimming. The last 3 or 4 years, these self care tasks are always been the first thing in my diary.

• Recognizing and Addressing Nervous System Dysregulation

Learn to notice when you are dysregulated. This can be hard because many of us sensitives can struggle with disconnection from what’s happening in our bodies, and if we’ve been living in this state for a long time, it’s hard to notice what not being overwhelmed feels like. Read the 10 signs of a dysregulated nervous system here.

Every time you notice signs of dysregulation, make it a priority to spend a few minutes re-regulating yourself. I’ve added a list below

• Reframing Self-Judgment: Cultivating a Kinder Inner Voice

Notice every time you are judging yourself, about all the things you aren’t doing, especially when feeling low. Practise reframing this into a kinder inner voice. You may want to meditate, journal or doodle on it. This only needs to take a few minutes. Little and often is the key.

• Celebrating Progress: The Power of the Ta-Da List

Write a ta-da list each week. My brain used to only focus on what I wasn’t doing, and forgot all the hard work, only reminding me of all the stuff I had not done. Writing such a list (put 5 min on a timer and write all the things you’ve done that week-I do this looking at my diary because I still forget. This has slowly rewired my brain.

Quick Fixes for a Dysregulated Nervous System:

They need to be fast because, in my experience, when dysregulated we rarely have the bandwidth, spoons or energy of doing something that takes 20 min.

• Quick and effective breathing exercise from Huberman lab

• • Try the Physiological sigh: inhale, then take another sharp inhale on top, then exhale slowly. 3 breaths usually start to make a difference

• Cold Water Exposure

• • Splash cold water or place a cold cloth on your face or neck, take a cold shower, dip into cold water, or an ice bath if available

• Grounding Techniques

• • Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste
  • Put your bare feet for 5 min on the grass or earth

• Progressive Muscle Relaxation

• • Tense and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes and moving up to your head

• Rhythmic Movement

• • Engage in repetitive, rhythmic activities like walking, lifting your heels up and down, rocking, or swaying your hips

• Humming or Chanting

• • Use deep, low-pitched sounds to stimulate the vagus nerve

• Sensory Engagement

• • Sniff or diffuse a blend of calming essential oils (I like Neal’s yard meditation. The vetiver in it is known to help ADHD brains focus)
  • Hold and focus on a textured object

• Quick movement exercises

• • Put in some music you love and dance for a few minutes
  • Yoga poses like child’s pose or forward fold

• Mindfulness

• • Do a brief body scan meditation, noticing where you hold tension and actively releasing it.

Conclusion

The journey from overwhelm to inner peace is not a straight one, but a meandering path, and a continuous practice of self-awareness, compassion, and intentional care. Maintaining balance requires constant attention, especially for those of us with sensitive nervous systems. By prioritising self-care, recognizing signs of dysregulation, and employing quick re-regulation techniques, we can start to create more spaciousness in our lives and rediscover our inner calm.

Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. Many midlife women face similar challenges, and there is a way forward. By sharing our experiences and supporting each other, we can support each other to find our path to a more balanced, fulfilling life.

If you’re interested in hearing more about my upcoming group programme about overcoming overwhelm, send me an email at sophie@sophiemessager.com, to join the mailing list and be the first to know when the program launches around November.

I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, whether you resonate with my experience, and what helps you.