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Sophie Messager

Category: overwhelm

  • Overcoming Overwhelm: The Story Behind The Calm Within Community

    Overcoming Overwhelm: The Story Behind The Calm Within Community

    As holistic professionals, many of us are familiar with the feeling of being overwhelmed. We often take on the emotional weight of others – our clients, our families, our communities – while neglecting our own needs. We wear multiple hats, juggle countless tasks, and still, the to-do list seems to grow faster than we can check things off.

    I know this feeling intimately. In fact, my personal journey through overwhelm is what inspired me to create The Calm Within Community.

    My Story: From Overwhelm to Inner Peace

    For years, I struggled with a constant undercurrent of stress. As a doula, educator, healer and nurturing women mentor, I was deeply committed to supporting others during life’s biggest transitions. But somewhere along the way, I found myself burnt out and disconnected from my own needs. The very practices I taught my clients about self-care and balance were ones I struggled to implement myself.

    I would wake up already feeling behind, as though the weight of my responsibilities was crushing me. I had constant anxiety, especially at night when I would wake up worrying about all the things I had to do. My mind raced from task to task, and I often felt like I was drowning in an endless sea of demands. I also navigated perimenopause and did not yet know I had ADHD. The shame of not being able to keep up with everything made it even harder to ask for help. I kept wondering why I could be self disciplined and procrastinate so much.

    I knew I couldn’t continue like this, so I began seeking answers. I dove into ancient spiritual wisdom and modern neuroscience, looking for tools that would support me in navigating stress without adding more pressure. Slowly, I learned to blend these practices into my life in a way that felt sustainable, manageable, and, most importantly, healing.

    Through nervous system regulation, connecting with nature, prioritising self-care, and finding support from a like-minded community, I began to shift from overwhelm to a deep sense of inner calm.

    Why I Created The Calm Within Community

    As I began to reclaim my peace, I realised something important: If I was struggling with overwhelm despite my knowledge and experience, other women in holistic professions – the ones who are constantly giving and nurturing – must be facing the same challenges.

    I ran a series of interviews of many overwhelmed women. Our conversations highlighted the real challenges women face and the deep desire for sustainable peace and spaciousness in life, showing how deeply women yearn for both spiritual connection and practical solutions that work with their current energy levels and time constraints. 

    We Were Never Meant to Do This Alone

    Another theme that also clearly emerged was that these women were feeling lonely, and did not have a community they really belonged to. Despite being surrounded by people we care for, many of us lack true community – a circle of sisters who deeply understand our journey.

     The stories highlighted the need for a program that combined holistic practices with neuroscience-informed strategies, while providing an accessible community for women who are seeking genuine connection with others who understand their journey.

    That’s why I created The Calm Within Community: A sanctuary for women like you who are ready to release the overwhelm and find sustainable peace. This six-month program is designed to help you reclaim your inner calm by providing a nurturing space where you can truly heal.

    The Calm Within Community: A Place of Healing and Transformation

    This program isn’t about quick fixes or productivity hacks. It’s about developing tools that work for you – tools that can be integrated into your life and used for years to come. We combine ancient wisdom with modern neuroscience to create practices that not only soothe your nervous system but also promote lasting change in how you approach life.

    Over six months, we’ll focus on four key pillars:

    1. Self-care prioritisation: Learning how to take care of yourself, not just your clients or your family, without feeling guilty.
    2. Re-regulation of the nervous system: Techniques to soothe the mind and body, bringing you back to a state of balance.
    3. Immersion in nature: Connecting to the natural world to ground and restore your energy.
    4. Community: Building a supportive network of like-minded women who understand and support your journey.

    Through weekly live calls, a private Facebook group, and ongoing workshops, you’ll not only learn how to calm your nervous system but also connect with a community that truly gets it. We’re creating a space where you can breathe, be, and grow – at your own pace.

    Supporting Women to Support the World

    When women in nurturing professions find their calm, they transform every life they touch. We hold space for humanity’s most profound moments – whether that’s supporting a client through the birth journey, through a tough time or guiding a family through a life transition.

    You surely have heard the saying that you cannot serve from an empty cup. We cannot model sustainable care if we’re overwhelmed, burnt out, or disconnected from our own well-being. By helping women like you step out of overwhelm and into peace, we’re creating a ripple effect of sustainable care that will touch families, communities, and even generations to come.

    This community is for women who are ready to explore a gentler, more conscious way of being. If you feel a deep yearning for change, if you’re tired of the “do more” mentality, then this might be exactly what you need.

    Are You Ready to Join Us?

    If this resonates with you, I invite you to apply for The Calm Within Community. We begin on November 26th, and there are limited spots available to ensure we keep this circle intimate and supportive.

    If you’re ready to take the next step, or if you have questions, please don’t hesitate to comment under this post or reach out directly. I’d love to hear from you.

    Together, we can build a future where women lead from a place of peace, balance, and sustainable care. I can’t wait to share this transformative journey with you.

     

  • Finding Calm Within When Everything Feels Too Much: A Story of Hope and Transformation

    Finding Calm Within When Everything Feels Too Much: A Story of Hope and Transformation

    Two years ago, my overwhelm was at its peak. The combination of mothering an autistic teen struggling with severe anxiety perimenopause and undiagnosed ADHD was a killer. The nights were worse. I’d jolt awake at 3am, my mind instantly spinning into an endless loop of anxiety about all the things I wasn’t doing.

     

    In those dark hours, everything felt impossible. The list would spiral: work stuff I needed to do, emails I hadn’t answered, family needs I wasn’t meeting, paperwork deadlines, self-care I was neglecting. Each thought would feed the next, creating an exhausting cycle that left me lying there, heart racing, unable to get back to sleep.

     

    In the morning, overwhelm would crash over me within 5 minutes of getting up. I was so dysregulated, I could not organise tasks in my head, I’d start one then the other, not finishing any, and get more and more stressed. The weight of responsibilities – running my business, being present for my family – felt crushing. Even as someone who taught others about wellbeing, I struggled to find peace in my own life.

     

    The shift began when I realised I needed to fundamentally change my relationship with time and space, and learn to recreate calm within my nervous system. Instead of pushing harder, I started creating intentional pauses in my day. I learned to listen to my body, to notice when I was dysregulated, and do small things to bring peace back. Most importantly, I began putting my own wellbeing first – no longer treating self-care as a reward for getting everything else done.

     

    Most importantly, I started unlayering the weight of society’s expectations on myself, the false belief that my productivity was my worth. I started challenging the voice inside my head that berated me to work harder.

     

    Nature became my sanctuary. Whether wild swimming in cold rivers or simply walking in nature, I discovered that spending time outdoors helped regulate my nervous system in ways no amount of ‘productivity hacks’ ever could.

     

    Finding a supportive community of women who understood this journey was crucial. Together, we created spaces to share about our struggles and celebrate the good things in our lives. These connections reminded me I wasn’t alone and showed me different ways of being.

     

    I experimented with a lot of things, some that worked (microdosing, drumming, a temporary use of HRT, and working with a therapist who is also a shaman) and some that did not (lots of quick fix tools that made things worse, antidepressants, talking therapy). I unlayered so much, including fundamental beliefs about myself. In the end I came to realise that the only way to provide lasting change is to get to the root of the cause of overwhelm, which is complex and multifaceted.

     

    Now, my nights, mornings and days feel completely different. Yes, there’s still plenty to do, but the new spaciousness I’ve created inside myself means that, even in the midst of a full life, I no longer feel overwhelmed. Those 3am anxiety spirals have gone, and I have many tools that actually work to calm my nervous system.

     

    I want to share about my journey and what I’ve learnt along the way. I want to help other women take steps towards bringing more spaciousness and calm into their lives. I want to do this because, if we are going to create a better world, we simply cannot do it alone, nor from a place of dysregulation. Dysregulation keeps us in a state of firefighting, one from which we cannot access our own wisdom nor affect change.

     

    I am launching a 6 month group program for overwhelmed women called The Calm Within Community, and I am going to be sharing the essence of this in a free masterclass this week.

     

    If this resonates with you, join me for my free masterclass, Overwhelm to Calm, on Wednesday the 6th of November at 8pm London time. I’ll share what I’ve learned about moving from overwhelm to calm, blending neuroscience with ancient wisdom to find a gentler way of being.

     

    Because to change the world, you need to feel peace, not just teach it to others. 

  • Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Every time I take a break from my routine, whether it’s a holiday or just some time off, I always struggle a bit to switch back into work mode. After a period of relaxation, it can feel challenging to return to the many tasks that come with running a small business and managing family life. It’s like the weight of both roles—the solopreneur and the “CEO” of my family—hits all at once.

    In the past, this shift often left me feeling grumpy and overwhelmed, but this time I approached it differently and was able to overcome the stress more quickly. Here’s how.

    Many years ago, I embarked on a journey to reduce overwhelm  (read about that here). The biggest two learning points in my de-overwhelming journey and process are as follow:

    • Put the self care in the diary first
    • Decrease the size of the mountain

    1) Put the self care in the diary first.

    I know this is going to sound counterproductive, but it really work. If you try to work harder out of overwhelm, if you wait until you’ve done all the stuff in your to-do list before you allow yourself to relax, to take the time to do the things that make you feel good (in my case, swimming, drumming, and dancing) then you never find the time to do these things. You are not only likely to remain stuck in the overwhelm cycle, but also to make things worse. You cannot create spaciousness from a place of scarcity. If you feel you never have enough time, the way to create more time is to give your mind and body the chance to experience what it feels like to be spacious and relaxed.

    I’ve found that practices such as  reflecting in a journal every time I feel stressed or overwhelmed, putting a timer on for 5 min, simply starting with “what does my soul wants to tell me today”. Or doodling myself as a stick figure and writing speech or thought bubbles works well to, putting a timer on for 5 min and drumming. All of these things help my overwhelm settle down. What comes up, with either of these practises, is usually that when I feel there is too much on my plate, I actually need to slow down instead of trying to flog myself to work harder. Overwhelms is often a sign that you need to slow down.

    When you feel stuck or stressed or overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through the stuckness, which usually doesn’t work, you can choose to do something that involves a bit of movement, and that makes you feel good instead. For me this means a walk in the woods, a swim in the river (I usually tell myself “fuck it I’m going for a swim!”) or a short 5rhythms dancing session (as in, just one short track I love).  This ALWAYS results in the stuck energy moving through and my being able to start seeing the forest for the trees, and starting to be able to get stuff done from a refreshed place.

    Building up your sense of achievement rather than focusing on what you aren’t doing is also important. Another practice that I’ve found transformative is to use a “ta-da” list. At the end of each week I write everything I’ve done that week, self care, family and  work wise. I’m always surprised by how much I have accomplished, even when I’ve felt that this wasn’t a very productive week.

    2) Decrease the size of the mountain.

    Since I started working with authentic business mentor George Kao I’ve learnt the importance of capturing the process whenever I start anything new. This is for three reasons:

    • It helps understand the large numbers of steps and time involved in creating something (see Ta-da list above)
    • It saves time for the future, as you already have all the steps and tasks captured if you want to do it again (for example, creating an online course)
    • But most importantly, it decreases the size of the mountain. It helps to break down the impossible ascent into tiny, do-able steps. It creates a path where there was none before.

    Imagine that you are facing climbing an enormous mountain. Or that you have to carve a track in a deep jungle with a machete. All the tasks, the thoughts about the tasks, they all get jumbled in your head and all you can feel is this enormous, impossible task. You feel exhausted just thinking about it, and you don’t know where to start or even want to start. It feels heavy, overwhelming and scary. Running away feels easier,  or pretending it’s not there. Yet you feel the weight of the “unclimbed mountain” on your shoulders all the time. Sounds familiar?

    This is because you cannot see your way through. You just see the top, or the impossibly far destination. And this keeps you stuck in fight and flight, or freeze mode, because our brains have evolved to be very good at protecting us. A perceived danger is experienced by our nervous systems in the same way as a real one.

    If you decrease the size of the mountain, as in capture all the tasks in small dividable steps, and then decide to maybe only do one, tiny step, as soon as you start to move, it creates a path, and the overwhelm gets resolved almost instantly. The energy starts to move, and you realize that the anxiety about doing the tasks was much bigger than the task itself. In fact, very often as soon as you start taking steps towards doing the task, the anxiety dissolves and you realized that you made a much bigger deal about it than it was.

    I’ve found that when I procrastinate, if I start writing a list of what needs to be done rather than doing the actual task, it feels more doable to write that list than to do the task. And then when I’m ready to tackle the task, the list I’ve written creates a simple path I just need to follow, so I no longer procrastinate about it.

    Here is one of George Kao’s blogs about it, and also a video about it.

    I have had such an incredible journey doing this that I plan to create a course to help others do the same. I am offering one to one mentoring sessions to start with so I can get feedback and experience. Do get in touch if this is something you would be interested in.

    Does this resonate with you? If so I’d love to hear about it.

  • Beyond the High-Ticket Trap: Grow Your Business Without Selling Your Soul

    Beyond the High-Ticket Trap: Grow Your Business Without Selling Your Soul

    You don’t need $10k coaching programs or manipulative marketing to create a sustainable healing business.

    As a holistic professional with 12 years of experience in the self-employed world, I’ve seen my fair share of marketing tactics – the good, the bad, and the downright manipulative. I’m writing this article because I’m fed up. Fed up with unethical, overpriced marketing coaches who prey on vulnerable business owners struggling to make ends meet. I’ve been there, fallen for their promises, and learned the hard way that there’s a better path. 

    When we’re drowning in to-do lists, struggling to balance client care with self-care, and watching our bank accounts with growing anxiety, it’s all too easy to fall prey to the siren song of quick fixes and overnight success promises. The desperation that comes with feeling overwhelmed can cloud your judgement, making those flashy high-ticket coaching programs seem like lifelines rather than potential anchors. 

    The truth I’ve discovered on my own bumpy journey: there’s a better way to grow our heart-centred businesses, one that honours our sensitivity and aligns with our values. I want to share with you why high-ticket coaching often misses the mark for practitioners like us, and how we can find a more authentic path to growing a sustainable business.

    This is my story, my rant, and my plea for a more conscious approach to business coaching. If you’re a sensitive, holistic business owner like me, or if you’ve ever felt pressured by high-ticket marketing tactics, this is for you. Let’s pull back the curtain on these manipulative practices and explore what truly ethical marketing looks like.

    Whilst I have no intention of branching out into teaching others how to run their business (this just isn’t my calling) however I am dedicated to helping other business owners like me connect with their authenticity, and support them towards more authenticity, calm and spaciousness. 

    My Rollercoaster Ride: 12 Years as a Holistic Entrepreneur

    I am 12 years into working as a self employed holistic professional. There have been a lot of ups and downs, both work focus wise and financially. However I have managed to keep my business afloat despite the lockdowns of 2020 forcing me to move all of my in person offerings online (this turned out to be a blessing), many changes of business directions, and managing the complex balancing of running a demanding business and raising two neurodivergent children.

    I am a multi-passionate woman. I cannot just do one thing in my work or only use one approach, it is far too boring for me.  I have ADHD and I thrive on novelty, learning, and exploration. Of course my business has constantly evolved.  I started as a doula, antenatal teacher, and babywearing instructor. Over the years, I learnt a ton of new skills, found myself starting to share these with others, and  moved from teaching parents to teaching birth and holistic professionals. I have taught over 12 different types of courses and workshops, both in person and online. I have written 2 books and I’m about to launch a group program to support sensitive holistic professional women to overcome overwhelm.

    My journey as a self-employed practitioner has been a rollercoaster of learning experiences, with burnout as an unwelcome frequent visitor. In my first year as a doula, I naively dove in headfirst, taking on more clients than I could handle. I grossly underestimated the emotional and energetic toll of pouring my heart and soul into supporting new mothers. 

    Fast forward a few years, and there I was again, teetering on the edge of burnout. This time, I found myself caught in the classic entrepreneur’s trap – working myself to the bone, watching my bank account dwindle, and feeling utterly clueless about how to break the cycle.

    Enter the siren call of high-ticket coaching. You know the type – glossy programs that speak directly to your deepest insecurities, your financial fears, and your desperate desire for a solution. They dangle the carrot of a six-figure income in just a few months, if only you follow their “foolproof” formula. In my overwhelmed, financially stressed state, it seemed like a lifeline. 

    High ticket coaches are the flashy sports cars of the coaching world – all shine and promises, but often lacking in substance. These are the folks who charge eye-watering amounts for their programs, thousands or even tens of thousands of pounds. They market themselves as the crĂšme de la crĂšme, the only solution to your business woes. Their sales pitches are slick, promising rapid transformations and six-figure incomes in mere months. 

    The high price tag often has more to do with clever marketing than actual value. These coaches prey on your desperation, your dreams, and yes, even your trauma. They use high-pressure tactics, false scarcity, and grandiose promises to convince you that their overpriced program is the magic bullet you need. But remember, in the world of coaching, a higher price doesn’t necessarily mean better results – it just means a bigger dent in your bank account.

    When I hired one of these high-ticket coaches, a little voice in my gut whispered that this wasn’t aligned with my values. But desperation has a way of drowning out intuition, doesn’t it? So I dove in, working with this coach for several intense months.

    On the surface, it seemed to be working – my visibility increased, and I was ‘putting myself out there’. But beneath that veneer of progress, the cracks were starting to show. My overwhelm skyrocketed. What I didn’t realise then (but know now) was that I’m neurodivergent (Neurodivergent people often get more easily overwhelmed than neurotypical ones), which added an extra layer of challenge to an already unsustainable situation.

    I’ve always been the type to set sky-high expectations for myself. It’s like I have an internal taskmaster that never sleeps, constantly pushing for more. Working with this coach amplified that inner critic, increasing the pressure I was already putting on myself.

    When I look back (hindsight is such a wonderful thing isn’t it?), I can see that it was unethical that this coach never once asked about my life outside of business. How many hours could I realistically dedicate to the program? What other commitments was I juggling? What was my personal situation? And crucially, how long would it actually take to implement all their ‘foolproof’ strategies? These questions were never even on the table.

    Instead, I was handed a social media schedule that would make even the most seasoned influencer break out in sweat. It was like being asked to run a marathon when I was already gasping for air. The guilt started creeping in : every time I couldn’t tick off all the boxes on the coach’s to-do list, I felt like I was failing. 

    What had started as a lifeline was quickly becoming an anchor, dragging me deeper into the overwhelm I was desperately trying to escape.

    The aftermath of my high-ticket coaching experience wasn’t pretty. It took two solid years and the guidance of a more holistic marketing coach to unravel the pressure, stress, guilt, and misalignment that had tangled up my business and my mind. 

    Thankfully, the story takes a turn for the better. A few years down the line, I stumbled upon a marketing mentor, George Kao, who felt like a breath of fresh air in the stale, overpriced world of business coaching. This person was the real deal – truly ethical, authentic to their core, and completely aligned with my values as a holistic practitioner. The cherry on top? His courses were actually affordable. 

    I’m sharing my journey : the good, the bad, and the expensive, because I want you to know that there’s hope. Truly conscious, ethical marketing mentors exist, and they’re not hiding behind a paywall that requires a second mortgage to access. They’re out there, offering genuine value without breaking the bank.

    My experience taught me a valuable lesson: in the world of marketing mentors, the most expensive option isn’t always the best. Sometimes, the most valuable guidance comes at a price that respects both your budget and your values. So if you’re feeling overwhelmed and tempted by those flashy high-ticket offers, take a deep breath. There’s another way, and I’m living proof that it works.

    When Desperation Meets Manipulation: The High-Ticket Trap

    A couple of years ago, I dipped my toes into the world of impostor syndrome mentoring. What I discovered was both eye-opening and heartbreaking. Many of the women I spoke with had their own horror stories about high-ticket coaches. These weren’t just anecdotes; they were cautionary tales of new business owners plunging into debt, chasing the promise of success.

    Despite the hefty price tags, these women got very little in return. Why? Because these programs were often overcrowded calls masquerading as personalised coaching. There was simply no room for the individual attention these budding solopreneurs desperately needed.

    Let’s break down why these high-ticket programs often fall flat:

    • 1) No  one can promise you results. Consuming a course is easy. But digesting and applying what you have learned is the real graft.
    • 2) Expensive, famous coaches often subcontract their group programs to other, less experienced coaches. You sign up thinking you’ll be learning from the master herself, only to find out you’ve been pawned off to a junior coach who’s barely a step ahead of you.
    • 3) Masterminds from famous people are often run in huge groups where you have very little access to the coach, and therefore time to ask questions or get the individualised help you need..
    • 4) Many of these coaches aren’t really interested in your success. They’re interested in your wallet. You’re not a person to nurture; you’re a lead to convert into their next high-ticket offer.

    The bottom line? These high-ticket programs often leave you feeling more like an impostor than ever, with a maxed-out credit card to boot. It’s a painful lesson that many learn the hard way.

    The high ticket coach I worked with told me that my client’s financial situation wasn’t my problem. Contrast this with the fact that the two ethical marketing coaches I have worked with recently always ask if you can afford their programme without causing yourself hardship before you sign up.

    Whatever your situation, as a business owner, income is likely to be a priority for you. If it’s the only priority, that’s when we run into trouble. That’s where we see businesses that prioritise profits before people and we all know how that goes. As conscious business owners, only focusing on money isn’t enough of a driver for us, so it would be unsustainable over the long term if this was our only priority.  Caroline Leon

    The Siren Song of Six-Figure Promises: My Brush with High-Ticket Marketing

    A few years ago I attended a free all day workshop in a posh London hotel, a day supposedly designed to teach us how to market ourselves better. What actually happened was no real useful info was given. It was just designed to sell us a very expensive group program. The cost of the year long group program was £1000 a month, with a 12 month contract you could not get out of. 

    I very nearly signed up despite the eye watering cost, because the woman running the program was so good at promising results. Thankfully something stopped me. I’m currently in a small conscious marketing group mastermind with Caroline Leon. There are only 20 people in the program, and I pay £115  a month for it. I love this group because it connects me with like minded people and it keeps me accountable, and it also feels doable and not overwhelming.

    In this group I met a wonderful mindset coach called Betty Cottam Bertels. Betty introduced me to another ethical marketing mentor called Tag Hargrave. I joined Betty on a day-long workshop in London with Tad a few months ago, one that he runs on a “pay what you can afford” basis. 

    Betty introduced the day by telling her story of having signed up to a very expensive business coaching program, only to become really disillusioned when she realised that she had no access to the front woman: instead the course was facilitated by sub-contracted coaches with less experience who did not fit her needs.

    When I asked her which program this was, it turned out to be the very one I had nearly signed up for. I felt like I had a very lucky escape.

    Trauma-Targeted Marketing: The Uncomfortable Truth

    High-ticket coaches often sell to your trauma. Why? Because it works. They know that when you’re feeling vulnerable, stressed, and desperate for change, you’re more likely to reach for what seems like a lifeline – even if it comes with a huge price tag. They use language that triggers your pain points, promising to solve all your problems if only you invest in their “exclusive” program. It’s manipulative, it’s unethical, and it’s downright harmful. These coaches aren’t interested in your healing; they’re interested in your wallet. They exploit your past hurts and current struggles to make you feel like their overpriced program is the only solution. But here’s the truth: real healing and business growth don’t come from a magic bullet solution. They come from consistent effort, genuine support, and ethical practices that honour your journey, not exploit it.

    As George Kao explains in this blog post:

    Sadly, much of the persuasion psychology being used (and taught) in marketing – the stoking of fear, uncertainty, doubt (FUD) – “works” on people with traumatic backgrounds
 because they’ve invested so much in the guru’s advice, they might experience the sunk cost fallacy. “The teacher must know better than me… otherwise, they couldn’t charge so much money. I should’ve succeeded like them by now.” George Kao

    George also explains that setting yourself small, achievable goals, builds up your confidence, whereas setting sky high unachievable one has the opposite effect.

    If you’re running a heart-centred holistic business, listen up: those manipulative, salesy tactics might seem tempting when you’re desperate for clients, but they’re damaging for your business’s long-term health. They erode the very foundation of what makes your work special :  trust.

    Your clients come to you for healing, for support, for a safe space. The moment you start using pushy sales tactics, you’re betraying that trust. It’s like offering a warm hug with one hand and a sales pitch with the other. It just doesn’t work.

    These aggressive marketing strategies aren’t just misaligned with your business – they’re misaligned with your soul. They go against everything you stand for, everything that made you choose this beautiful, challenging path of holistic care in the first place.

    George Kao calls these strategies “marketing to the lizard brain” and explains why it feels misaligned, why it harms your business, and even society as a whole:

    By inciting the people’s lizard brain, marketers (and politicians) do in fact gain more control over their audience in the short-term. It’s power-over others, rather than empowerment of others.  George Kao

    But here’s the good news: there’s another way. A way that’s as authentic as your most heartfelt client session. A way that’s as true as your commitment to healing and growth.

    This path might not promise overnight success or six-figure months, but it promises something far more valuable: a business that’s a true extension of your healing work. A business that attracts clients who resonate with your authentic self, not a manufactured marketing persona.

    So, take a deep breath. Release the pressure to conform to aggressive marketing tactics. Your business can thrive without compromising your values. In fact, it will thrive because you’re honouring those values. And that, my fellow holistic practitioner, is the true path to long-term success and fulfilment.

    Having worked with authentic marketing coaches for 4 years, I can see manipulative tactics from a mile. And I truly believe that these tactics belong to the past. That they, and the people who use them, are dinosaurs, destined to become extinct.

    In this article, George Kao lists and explains which marketing techniques to avoid in your heart centred business.

    The Ethical Marketing Oasis: Finding Genuine Mentors

    Finding my first ethical marketing mentor felt like stumbling upon an oasis in a desert of manipulation. Such people are out there, and working with them is a game-changer. These are the folks who genuinely care about your success, not just their bank balance. They’re transparent about their methods, clear about their pricing, and they won’t promise you the moon and stars overnight. Instead, they offer real, actionable advice that aligns with your values as a heart-centred business owner. 

    They give away tons of value for free or at low cost, because their goal is to serve, not just to sell. When you find these gems, it’s like a weight lifts off your shoulders. Suddenly, marketing doesn’t feel icky anymore. You’re not compromising your integrity for success. You’re growing your business in a way that feels authentic and sustainable. And the best part? These ethical mentors often charge a fraction of what the high-ticket gurus do.

    Working with ethical coaches has been like a breath of fresh air for my business – and my sanity. Instead of feeling pressured and overwhelmed, I’ve found myself actually enjoying the process of growing my business. These genuine mentors have helped me tap into my authentic voice, allowing me to market my services in a way that feels aligned with my values as a holistic practitioner. I’m no longer trying to squeeze myself into a one-size-fits-all marketing mould that leaves me feeling yucky.

    The impact? My business has grown organically, attracting clients who resonate with my authentic approach. I’m earning more whilst working less hours, without burning out or compromising my integrity. But more than that, I’ve regained my confidence and joy in my work. These ethical coaches have shown me that it’s possible to be successful without resorting to manipulative tactics. They’ve given me practical, sustainable strategies that I can implement at my own pace, respecting my neurodivergent needs and my commitment to my family.

    The best part? I’m not just learning how to market better – I’m learning how to build a business that truly reflects who I am and the change I want to see in the world. 

    The Ethical Marketing Checklist: What to Look For in a Coach/Mentor

    Having worked with 3 different ethical marketing coaches here are the things I have found they have in common:

    • Transparency & authenticity: They are clear about their methods, pricing, and expected outcomes, and open about their own qualifications and experience.  They never make over inflated promises or guarantees. 
    • Ethical practises: They avoid manipulative of deceptive tactics, such as time pressure (buy it now for X or it will never be available again), or fake inflated prices (“sign up now and get this (fake) bonuses priced at thousand of pounds/dollars) They promote truthful and accurate marketing messages. 
    • Client centred: They focus on supporting their audience and clients, not just what’s profitable. You can feel it in their presence and writing: serving is their overarching goal.
    • They are value-driven: They emphasise creating genuine value for customers, and encourages sustainable, long-term growth over quick wins
    • Nurture: they nurture their audience by giving away valuable content on their website, their social media channels, low cost offers, books etc. They give away so much that if you are able to keep yourself accountable on your own, you could learn enough to transform your business from their free or low cost content alone. Most of their social media posts are about this nurturing, with the odd course/workshop offer in between.
    • (Note: This is in stark contrast to high ticket coaches. I have found that these never give away anything of value unless you buy their course. They are masters in the art of running “free” webinars, workshops or challenges, where they talk about their success and clients’ success stories, whilst never telling you how to do it. It is purely a promotion exercise. Their social media is not about nurturing it’s about selling.)
    • Holistic Perspective: They consider the impact of their marketing strategies on society. They encourages socially responsible marketing practices
    • Ethical Pricing: They charge fair prices for their services and are transparent about costs. Ethical pricing really boils down to: 1) Can you earn enough to make your business sustainable from it? and 2) Can the people buying your course afford to do this without hardship, and recoup the cost of your course within about 6 months? 

    Ethical and accessible pricing is super important to me. So much so that I get told regularly that I don’t charge enough for what I offer. I love it when that happens because that’s actually one of my primary goals with everything I create — to give tons of value for the most affordable price possible. Caroline Leon (read Caroline’s article about this here)

    The Principles of Ethical/Conscious Businesses

    When we change the way we do business, we change the world. Caroline Leon

    A conscious business owner, according to Caroline Leon :

    • Operates with integrity and knows that how we sell matters.
    • Wants her business to be a force for good and knows that how we do business is a key part of that.
    • Puts the needs of the customer above the goal of making the sale and is willing to turn down a sale when it’s clear that what she is offering is not a good fit for the buyer.
    • Prioritises the cultivation of trust and connection between herself and her audience.
    • Rejects the use of manipulative marketing tactics to pressure her audience into buying.
    • Constantly seeks to ensure her products and services are of real value to her audience.
    • Makes positive impact the goal of everything she creates.
    • Is completely transparent when selling and uses no tricks or gimmicks to hide that fact. Instead simply presenting what’s on offer in a clear and honest way.
    • Works towards sustainability because she knows that an unsustainable business in the long term helps no-one.

    The 8 practises of authentic business by George Kao:

    1. Joyful Productivity: the ability to consistently work in a focused and joyful way. Balancing rest and action, with a spirit of playfulness throughout.
    2. Healthy Money Habits: It is important to become aware of our inner relationship to money (our thoughts and emotions) and our persistent behaviours with regards to money.
    3. Authentic Content: The habit of creating content will help you to keep exploring your core message and strengthening your authentic voice.
    4. Paid Content Distribution: If you’re not using paid ads of some kind, you are holding yourself back from reaching the thousands of people who need your message and voice.
    5. Collaborations: Seek out collaborations because it’s a good way to grow an aligned audience. Good collaborations create a lot more benefit than the effort takes
    6. Audience Research: When you have a product that is well-matched to someone’s wants, the thing almost sells itself. Neglect this and you may well be building the wrong audience.
    7. Rhythm of Gentle Launches: Start a routine of “making offers”, in other words, letting your audience know about your products and services.
    8. Mastery of Your Craft: The most grounded way to excel in one’s work is to notice the impact your work is making on your clients, and then make adjustments based on those observations.

    Affordable Wisdom: Ethical Business Coaches Who Won’t Break the Bank

    Check their website/social media channels and see if you resonate with their approach. All 3 offer tons of free content, as well as low cost workshops/courses if you’d like to see if they are a fit.

    Read my previous articles about what I learnt by working with George and Caroline below:

    Most entrepreneurs I know feel torn between either doing marketing that feels good (but doesn’t work) or marketing that works (but doesn’t feel good). I am suggesting that there’s a way to approach marketing that actually works better than the pushy and manipulative approaches you hate and that feels genuinely good to all involved. Tad Hargraves

    Conclusion

    The journey from overwhelm to authentic marketing isn’t always easy, but it’s infinitely more rewarding than falling prey to high-ticket, manipulative coaches. As conscious business owners, we have a responsibility to ourselves and our clients to seek out and support ethical marketing practices. 

    Remember, high pricing is never proof of higher value – it’s simply a marketing choice. There are brilliant, ethical marketing mentors out there who offer incredible value at accessible prices. They prioritise your growth over their profit, and they understand that true success comes from alignment with your values, not just your bank balance.

    I hope my story and insights help you navigate the sometimes murky waters of business coaching. Trust your intuition, seek out mentors who resonate with your values, and never compromise your integrity for the promise of quick success. 

    I believe that we can create a new paradigm of ethical, heart-centred marketing that serves both our businesses and our souls. After all, isn’t that why we started our holistic businesses in the first place?

    I’d love to hear how reading this article felt for you – simply comment below.

  • The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    As a midlife holistic practitioner and mother, I’ve spent the last 6-7 years on a transformative journey from constant overwhelm to inner peace. Through my recent research interviews and personal experiences, I’ve uncovered valuable insights into the challenges faced by women struggling with overwhelm. In this blog post, I’ll share my story, the lessons I’ve learned, and practical strategies for regaining balance in our hectic lives.

    The Research: Common Threads of Overwhelm

    Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been carrying out research interviews in order to gather knowledge about what women need when experiencing overwhelm.

    I offered these interviews to prepare for my upcoming group programme to help mid life holistic practitioners who feel they never have enough time to regain a sense of peace inside.

    There have been very interesting themes emerging from these interviews. Some that I expected, like undiagnosed or suspected neurodivergence, perfectionism, unkind judgement of oneself,  trying to “work harder” out of overwhelm, guilt, a deep resistance to rest.  Some have been more surprising, like loneliness., which of course makes sense because we cannot regulate in isolation.

    The overarching theme is one of being unable to see a way forward (not surprising because overwhelm equal nervous system dysregulation, a state in which we have no access to rational thinking and creativity), and trying to “fix” the problem from the outside in (for example buying many “magic diaries” which promise to fix all your problems-except they don’t work and contribute to deeper feelings of inadequacy).

    I decided to offer this program because overcoming overwhelm has been the biggest journey I’ve been on over the last 6 to 7 years. If you want to read examples of how overwhelmed I used to be, read this article. I’m in a different place now, and feel such deep compassion for these women, as they are where I was, and cannot see a way out. I remember this well, because when in this state there is a sense of desperation to try and get out of the state (which leads to searching for helpful quick fixes).

    A Day in the Life: Navigating Unexpected Disruptions

    The last few months I have experienced a sense of deep spaciousness inside I had never experienced before in my life. But I noticed that it’s easy to become complacent and think you’ve sorted all your shit for good. It does not work this way-maintaining this balance, especially with a very sensitive nervous system like mine, requires constant attention. 

    Because I’ve felt so much better, I dropped some of the support practises I’ve given myself. But my body has been reminding me in loud ways that I need to care for it and be gentle, and not ask for too much all the time.

    This morning there was a stark reminder of the fragility of the balance I’ve built. I went for my morning run with my dog, and when I came back I realised that my daughter hadn’t woken up. She gets picked up by a taxi earlier than before the summer because her school has moved to a new location further away. So I had to gently wake her up, and remind her to try and be quick without stressing her, a delicate balancing act. 

    As we were getting washed in the same bathroom, I realised that my son hadn’t gotten up either. Both of my teenage children are autistic and easily dysregulated too. My son was having a hard time getting up so I spent some time listening to him-sharing feelings of burnout, so early in the school year. This took a while, as the best way to help him re-regulate is to just listen. 

    When he finally got up I went to the kitchen, fed the dog and made myself a cup of coffee. By then I realised that the doubly unexpected disruption to my morning routine had resulted in my feeling dysregulated, leading to the tell-tale signs of feeling mild overwhelm as I busied myself in the kitchen. 

    Knowing that both kids were also off centre, I made them smoothies because small acts of kindness like this make them feel cared for and supported. As I finally sat down to drink my coffee, looking forward to a few minutes of quiet, my son came down, and needed me to listen to his feelings of struggle. I made the time and space inside even though I felt that I needed some quiet time myself. 

    Half way through his sharing, there was a commotion in the next room: my daughter had just spilled her drink all over the floor. I had to stop listening to my son, and help her clean up. Unsurprisingly, by the time they’d both left, I felt dysregulated and overwhelmed myself.

    As I sat at my desk a bit later, I noticed the familiar feeling of procrastination-a sure sign of dysregulation for me. So instead of trying to force myself to work like I used to do, I set a 5 min timer and drummed. I ended up drumming for more than 5 min, and whilst doing so, the idea of writing this blog came up.

    Writing helps me understand myself better, it soothes my soul. It has the added advantage of helping others who read my writing too, which is something I love doing.

    PS: as I finish writing this a couple of hours later, my daughter called saying she’s got toothache. The big difference I notice, having re-regulated myself, is that I’m not thrown by this. I got her an emergency appointment and I’m ok with this bigger second unexpected spanner in the works in my schedule…despite the fact that it’s going to be challenging to fit it in between walking the dog and taking her to the autism social group later this afternoon. This is the power of a regulated nervous system.

    Transformative Strategies: Shifting from Overwhelm to Self-Compassion

    • The Pitfalls of “Working Harder” to Overcome Overwhelm:

    Working harder and hoping you’ll give yourself the gift of rest when you have done everything on your to-do list. Not only does this not work, it actually adds to the feeling of overwhelm. Guess what, your to-do list will NEVER be complete. It is not a way to live.

    • Radical Self-Care: The Non-Negotiable First Step

    If you want to experience more spaciousness in your life, you need to actually give your fried nervous system a chance to actually experience spaciousness. So the top tip is to start putting radical self care tasks as the first task on your to-do list, as a non negotiable rule.

    For me this started with taking walks in nature during my “working time”, and eventually progressed to year round wild swimming. The last 3 or 4 years, these self care tasks are always been the first thing in my diary.

    • Recognizing and Addressing Nervous System Dysregulation

    Learn to notice when you are dysregulated. This can be hard because many of us sensitives can struggle with disconnection from what’s happening in our bodies, and if we’ve been living in this state for a long time, it’s hard to notice what not being overwhelmed feels like. Read the 10 signs of a dysregulated nervous system here.

    Every time you notice signs of dysregulation, make it a priority to spend a few minutes re-regulating yourself. I’ve added a list below

    • Reframing Self-Judgment: Cultivating a Kinder Inner Voice

    Notice every time you are judging yourself, about all the things you aren’t doing, especially when feeling low. Practise reframing this into a kinder inner voice. You may want to meditate, journal or doodle on it. This only needs to take a few minutes. Little and often is the key.

    • Celebrating Progress: The Power of the Ta-Da List

    Write a ta-da list each week. My brain used to only focus on what I wasn’t doing, and forgot all the hard work, only reminding me of all the stuff I had not done. Writing such a list (put 5 min on a timer and write all the things you’ve done that week-I do this looking at my diary because I still forget. This has slowly rewired my brain.

    Quick Fixes for a Dysregulated Nervous System:

    They need to be fast because, in my experience, when dysregulated we rarely have the bandwidth, spoons or energy of doing something that takes 20 min.

    • Quick and effective breathing exercise from Huberman lab
      • Try the Physiological sigh: inhale, then take another sharp inhale on top, then exhale slowly. 3 breaths usually start to make a difference
    • Cold Water Exposure
      • Splash cold water or place a cold cloth on your face or neck, take a cold shower, dip into cold water, or an ice bath if available
    • Grounding Techniques
      • Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste
      • Put your bare feet for 5 min on the grass or earth
    • Progressive Muscle Relaxation
      • Tense and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes and moving up to your head
    • Rhythmic Movement
      • Engage in repetitive, rhythmic activities like walking, lifting your heels up and down, rocking, or swaying your hips
    • Humming or Chanting
      • Use deep, low-pitched sounds to stimulate the vagus nerve
    • Sensory Engagement
      • Sniff or diffuse a blend of calming essential oils (I like Neal’s yard meditation. The vetiver in it is known to help ADHD brains focus)
      • Hold and focus on a textured object
    • Quick movement exercises
      • Put in some music you love and dance for a few minutes
      • Yoga poses like child’s pose or forward fold
    • Mindfulness
      • Do a brief body scan meditation, noticing where you hold tension and actively releasing it.

    Conclusion

    The journey from overwhelm to inner peace is not a straight one, but a meandering path, and a continuous practice of self-awareness, compassion, and intentional care. Maintaining balance requires constant attention, especially for those of us with sensitive nervous systems. By prioritising self-care, recognizing signs of dysregulation, and employing quick re-regulation techniques, we can start to create more spaciousness in our lives and rediscover our inner calm.

    Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. Many midlife women face similar challenges, and there is a way forward. By sharing our experiences and supporting each other, we can support each other to find our path to a more balanced, fulfilling life.

    If you’re interested in hearing more about my upcoming group programme about overcoming overwhelm, send me an email at sophie@sophiemessager.com, to join the mailing list and be the first to know when the program launches around November.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, whether you resonate with my experience, and what helps you.

  • The Art of Mindful Re-entry: How I Mastered the Post-Holiday Work Transition

    The Art of Mindful Re-entry: How I Mastered the Post-Holiday Work Transition

    Have you ever felt that post-holiday dread, where the thought of diving back into work feels overwhelming? For years, I struggled with this transition, but I’ve finally cracked a way to have a smooth, stress-free return. In this article, I share my journey from frantic catch-up to mindful re-entry, and how you can transform your post-holiday experience into a gentle, productive glide back into work life.

    The Importance of Real Breaks

    Monday was my first day at work after spending 3 weeks in the South of France in August. I did not do much work at all on Monday, and very little on Tuesday, only starting to slowly get back into a normal routine by Wednesday and Thursday.This is a process I have been working on for about 3 years. This is the first where I feel that I’m finally truly embracing it. Since I became self-employed 11 years ago I learnt the hard way that giving myself real breaks from work was essential, and that removing pressure upon return was also essential.

    My Holiday Experience

    This year, truly clocking off during my holiday was made easier by the fact that 1) I no longer have on-call doula clients to check up on (Last year I was still supporting a friend through birth-despite no longer officially working at a doula since 2022). 2) I have learnt to create passive income from my online courses (this includes pre-planning for a lower income on holiday months by running promotions on my courses ahead of time), 3) for the first time since I started working for myself in 2013, I have a VA (thanks to my Access to Work grant), and she took care of purchases/clients whilst I was away.

    I had a lovely, slow, relaxing time in France. Lots of leisurely mornings, swimming in lakes and the sea. Longer coffee and pain au chocolat breakfast whilst enjoying a sea view. I caught up with my family. I ate gorgeous food. I read books. I drummed and I wrote songs. I binged watched a Netflix series. I played games. I went out for meals, and to visit new places, including a gorgeous magical natural fountain in the Aude region.

    Slowing down and being led by what my heart and soul want to do is very replenishing. This was doubly meaningful this time, as I had been working hard to meet my new drumming book deadline for several weeks, and handed over the manuscript to the publisher the day before my holiday.

    The Challenge of Returning to Work

    Even though I love my work, I always find the change of pace after coming back from a break, especially one as long as this one, challenging

    In the past, I used to try to get myself back into work mode instantly, and berated myself inwardly when I couldn’t. What used to happen is that I internally flogged myself and not only did this not work, but it added pressure, stress, and a double layer of negative mindset to an already challenging time. 

    My Evolved Approach to Re-entry

    Now, I purposefully plan at least 2 or 3 days of slow re-entry. I plan my return ahead of time, writing a list of everything I’ll need to do when I get back from my break, because I tend to forget. Being clear that nothing intense or extra challenging is taking place immediately when I’m back also helps avoid overwhelm. 

    The first day, all I’m asking myself to do is planning what needs to be done. I remove all pressure. Then I slowly increase the amount of work whilst carefully gauging whether I’m OK doing this amount yet. Instead of berating myself, I have a gentle conversation with myself, reminding myself that taking it slow is the wise way to go about it.

    Because of the way resistance works, as soon as I give myself permission to take things slowly, my nervous system relaxes out of fight and flight, the resistance eases, and poof, as if by magic, I no longer feel the desire to avoid work. It’s like reverse psychology.

    Tips for a Smooth Transition

    I’ve been writing about self-care as a solopreneur for over 8 years, you can read my first article about this here.

    Here’s a collection of other articles about self-care, gentleness and self-kindness I’ve written over the years:

    Key Takeaways:

    • Recognise the importance of real breaks from work, especially for if you are self-employed
    • Plan for lower income during holiday months by creating passive income streams
    • Delegate tasks when possible (e.g., hiring a VA) to truly disconnect during time off
    • Allow yourself a slow, gradual re-entry to work after a vacation
    • Plan your return ahead of time, listing tasks to avoid forgetting important items
    • Start with a day of just planning, removing all pressure to accomplish tasks
    • Slowly increase workload while gauging your readiness and energy levels
    • Replace self-criticism with gentle self-talk and understanding
    • Remember that a mindful, gradual return often leads to better productivity in the long run
    • Continue to refine your re-entry process based on what works best for you

    Conclusion

    Embracing a slow, intentional return to work isn’t just about easing stress—it’s about honouring the restoration you’ve gained from your time off. By giving yourself permission to ease back in gently, you’re likely to find yourself more productive and centred. Remember, it’s not about how quickly you can jump back in, but how wisely you can transition. 

    So the next time you return from a break, try this approach. Your future self will thank you for your kindness and wisdom. 

    What strategies do you use to make your return to work smoother? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

  • The art of falling apart: my messy mental health journey

    The art of falling apart: my messy mental health journey

    As I work to complete the manuscript of my book on how drumming empowers women, the personal growth I’ve had over the last few years comes into very sharp focus. I want to reflect on my mental health journey, in the hope that it may help others, who are where I was not that long ago, and give them both tools and hope.

    In this deeply personal account, I share my journey through the turbulent waters of midlife, facing challenges that tested me beyond belief, then led to profound personal growth. From navigating perimenopause and family crises to discovering my own neurodiversity, my story is one of transformation, healing, and finding inner peace.

    The perimenopause awakening

    There has been a deep unlayering, caused by a numerous amount of crises in my life, with my youngest child undergoing a mental health crisis which went on for several years. In the middle of it there was also 2020, the covid crisis and its impact on my solo business which used to rely on in person workshops as a main source of income. Along the way my children and myself got diagnosed as neurodivergent.

    This is not a coincidence, but these difficult times happened whilst I was undergoing the perimenopause. So I had to juggle not only my own crisis but one of my children at the same time, so there was no time for me to be and breathe and create space for myself to process what I was going through. As it also happened, my youngest was going through the beginning of her puberty when the crisis started. Brene Brown has a beautiful quote about the midlife unravelling:

    Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unraveling. By definition, you can’t control or manage an unraveling. You can’t cure the midlife unraveling with control any more than the acquisitions, accomplishments, and alpha-parenting of our thirties cured our deep longing for permission to slow down and be imperfect. Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts.

    If you’d like to understand the details of the backstory, I have written about this in more detail in my Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters blog post.

    When I look back, the unlayering started way before this, because I started experiencing symptoms of the menopause when I turned 42, and I’m 54 as I write this. The signs that something needed to change was intense discomfort. Besides the changes in my cycle, the night waking and night sweats, and the irritability, I noticed that I was no longer willing to put up with certain dynamics in my family (namely, my being in charge of everything). The lowering of oestrogen levels that accompanies the perimenopause makes us less willing to put up with shit. Think about the state you’re in during your period, but all the time. It’s not easy for our close ones, but it’s a good thing, because it’s an agent for change.

    In my work I became overworked and overwhelmed, putting intense pressure on myself to be “productive” all of the time. What I did not realise at the time was that the pressure came from within, and that I could not carry on with my unconscious belief that I could only give myself permission to relax if I had done all the tasks on my to-do list, because that time simply never came. Something had to change. In 2018 I worked with a coach who challenged me to spend one hour a week doing something fun just for myself, as priority. This led to my walks in the local nature reserve, and then to my discovering a beautiful swimming club in the river nearby and becoming a year round wild swimmer. I also took a course called Tame your to-do list (add link), and then learnt to prioritise my wellbeing tasks in my diary, something I’m still doing 4 years later.

    The 2020 pandemic crisis turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because the first lockdown things slowed down enough for me to realise that I needed a slower pace of life (something that women often experience as they approach the menopause, some holistic menopause specialists such as Alexandra Pope, in er book Wild Power, even suggest taking a menopause sabbatical. Not being able to teach in person meant that I started offering my teachings as online courses (6 courses and counting), and this created space for me to create more stuff, and most importantly, to keep my business afloat through the lockdowns, and later on, giving me the time to support my daughter when she needed me.

    Weathering the family storm

    When my daughter started struggling with anxiety so severe she could no longer leave the house (she ended up being out of school for 2 years). The combination of covid lockdowns, moving to secondary school and starting puberty as an autistic young girl was just too much (she got diagnosed in 2022). Her emotional distress was very difficult for me to witness, and I kind of knew that the best thing I could do was to learn to stay regulated in the face of her pain, so I could hold the space for her and help her co-regulated. I worked first with Inger Madsden,  an EFT coach who specialises in supporting troubled teens. As the crisis evolved and I realised that I needed a new coach (something I have come to learn is normal for me: my ADHD brain processes things so very quickly that I outgrow teachers very quickly and need new ones), Inger suggested Kanan Tekchandani aka The Aspie Coach. Kanan not only supported me through my family’s crisis, but was the first person to help me realise that I’m both neurodivergent and gifted, as well as hypersensitive. 

    In 2022 when my mental health was as an all time low, due to my youngest mental health crisis, my own overwhelm, and the lack of support from the system, I tried antidepressants, hated it, and started microdosing psilocybin, something I carried on doing for a couple of years. It had a very positive impact on my mental health, because it helped me become aware of very unhelpful thought patterns I was not aware I had, and start healing them.

    After an epic battle with the local mental health system and education authority, I got my daughter into a tiny specialist school which helps kids like her rebuild their skills and confidence.  She is striving there. She went from not being able to leave the house in 2 years to attending a residential school trip within 3 months. Over a year on, I have gotten my child back, watching her blossom into a healthy and happy teen.

    When my daughter got into this school and things finally looked promising, I naively thought I could finally breathe myself. Instead my physical and mental health completely crashed, which I can see now isn’t surprising at all. The day she started at that school instead of feeling elated, I felt battle torn and weary, like I had finally put my sword and armour down after 2 long years. I had crippling anxiety that kept me awake at night and I was so physically exhausted all I could do was walk the dog. My nervous system, having been in fight and flight mode for so long, collapsed and went into freeze mode. In search of relief, and after researching it and discussing it with holistic menopause specialists, and against everything I normally believe in (I’m a proponent of natural medicine), I started HRT when I turned 53, in order to help re-regulate my nervous system. It helped with sleep and anxiety almost instantly, and over the course of the next 6 months, gave me enough breathing space to start working at re-regulating my nervous system. 

    Discovering neurodiversity

    In 2023, at the age of 53, I got diagnosed with ADHD. For me, this, and during the months before said diagnosis (I knew I was ADHD 18 months prior to diagnosis) has been empowering, and only empowering, because, the more I learnt about it, the kinder I became to myself, instead of relentlessly beating myself up about stuff I found hard to do. Having ADHD means being able to achieve incredible things when motivated, but also finding things I perceive as tedious almost impossible to do, leading to a lot of procrastination and negative thinking about it. I also learnt about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, something I have had all my life, and I wasn’t aware of until reading about ADHD.  It was thanks to my diagnosis and Kanan’s support that I was able to apply for an access to work grant, and my friend Saheera recommended an agency called This is me to support my application, which earned me a 35K grant to support me in my business.

    Healing through alternative therapies

    In 2024, after having wasted weeks with an NHS talking therapist, who, whilst she was kind and supportive, gave me absolutely zero relief or progress. I discovered a therapist, Emrys Blue Person, who is both a psychotherapist of 47 years but also a trained shaman. I loved that Emrys works in long, 2h sessions, instead of the prescribed talking therapy session of 50 minutes, where I barely got going. I got what I was looking for working with him, which was getting to the root of my problem very quickly. Emrys pointed out, like my previous coach Kanan, that I am indeed incredibly sensitive, and helped me realise that I was holding onto anger, and how to safely release it. Mostly importantly he helped me reframe the story I had been telling myself was that I had a happy childhood (I wasn’t abused, or neglected etc), into realising that, for someone as sensitive as me, being raised by parents who did not understand this was very traumatic and caused me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t in order to be loved. This has not been comfortable but it has been deeply healing. Recently, reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, I understood another layer of this. “The lack of emotional closeness in childhood is, in itself, traumatic. Children require emotional intimacy and attunement for their brains to develop properly.” Mate explains.  He goes on to explain “The infant needs the freedom to be able to experience their emotions and have them understood and validated by adults. “ How many of us who are adults today have experienced this during infancy? Having our emotions truly accepted and validated, without judgement, especially the ones perceived as negative, like anger, frustration and sadness? It’s no wonder so many of us aren’t even aware of the deep trauma we carry.

    Since January 2024, I have finally started to develop something that has felt elusive most of my life: a sense of peace in my heart, which has been growing since. A sense of trust, of leaning into the universe’s great plan. A sense of deep gratitude. A sense of spaciousness inside. A sense of expansive love. Don’t get me wrong, I do fall back into my own patterns a lot of the time. After all you cannot rewire 54 years of wiring in a few months, but there is progress. It is slow, but it is there.

    Redefining my career and purpose

    In the midst of this crisis, it also became clear that I had to stop working as a doula. I stopped 2 years ago and you can read about why I did this here. What followed, as well as carrying on working to support my child, was a period of fertile void, which, whilst I was trying hard to trust the unfolding, felt wholly uncomfortable at times. It took over 18 months before something else started to show itself, namely the increasing space drumming started to take in my life. I offered a course on drumming for birth, wrote an article about it for a scientific journal, and started writing a book about the drum’s power in empowering women through life’s challenges, which will likely be called The beat of your own drum. As I write this I am completing the manuscript, to be published in 2025. A few months ago I started drumming daily and within a couple of weeks I noticed a similar effect to the one I’d seen when I started microdosing. I wrote about the similarities and differences between drumming and psychedelics in this blog post.

    So it’s perhaps not a surprise that the focus of my work is changing, from being a perinatal educator, doula and mentor, to wanting to support women through life transitions and embodying their power. There is a big theme in my journey about overcoming overwhelm, regulating my nervous system and learning self kindness. 

    I want to help others along their way too. I already ran a workshop about overcoming impostor syndrome earlier this year, and I have also ran several coaching calls about managing life transitions. Watch out for new deep dive offerings in this area in the autumn. I’m otherwise engaged, but I’m already offering mentoring sessions for women going through deep transitions, and feel free to contact me if you’d like to try a session (no strings attached).

    Conclusion

    As I reflect on this journey, I’m struck by how each challenge, though difficult, led to greater self-understanding and personal growth. Through it, I’ve discovered the power of self-compassion, the importance of nervous system regulation, and the healing potential of drumming. My hope is that by sharing my story, others facing similar struggles might find inspiration and tools for their own journey of self-discovery and healing.

     

  • ADHD hacks: the tricks I use to overcome procrastination and actually get sh*t done

    ADHD hacks: the tricks I use to overcome procrastination and actually get sh*t done

    Since I got diagnosed with ADHD last year, one of the most positive aspects is that I’ve stopped beating myself up about certain things I’ve never been good at. For example, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot function at my best without external accountability.

    How I create accountability for myself

    When I work for clients it’s easy. I love to help people and to be of service. To help someone I can research things endlessly, and it feels both purposeful and effortless. However, making things happen in my business on a day to day basis, in particular back of house stuff like updating my website, or endless admin tasks, is very difficult for me to do. I procrastinate often, and the undone tasks weigh on my mind.

    Over the last few years, I’ve learnt to create external deadlines for serving people. For example, I regularly create webinars or courses, then I’m in the energy of service and it makes everything much easier to do, even doing the many admin tasks that go with it.

    But I cannot create this for myself every single day. However, since exploring what ADHD is about, I learnt why body doubling is extremely helpful for neurodivergent people to overcome getting challenging tasks done.

    Using body doubling/co-working apps

    For the last 3 years I have used Focusmate, a coworking app that connects you via video to people across the world, where you spend a couple of minutes speaking your intentions for the session, and then co-working silently whilst remaining on video, so you have external accountability. Business mentor George Kao introduced me to this app in 2021. I was sceptical at first, but I tried the free 3 sessions per week, and it made such a difference to my work that week that I immediately signed up (it’s only about $5 a month).  I’ve been using it ever since, and my review of 2023 from the app tells me that I did 233 sessions with 210 partners from 41 different countries. I’ve met some pretty cool people in the process too.

    Focusmate explains how it works:

    “Body doubling is working on any task with another person present, without them participating in your task. The presence (in real life or virtual) of another person who is also trying to focus on their own task helps you stay on track and get things done. Additionally, it boosts your motivation, making the task at hand more enjoyable and achievable.”

    In late 2023 I was awarded an Access to work Grant, which is a government grant to support people with disabilities (more on that in a different post). As part of my grant I got introduced to another co-working app called Flown. When it was suggested by the disability agency supporting me through my grant application, I did not see the point at first as I was getting on really well with Focusmate. However, I decided to give it a try and I’m really glad I did. Flown is a completely different ball game, because the sessions are group based and facilitated by paid facilitators. And contrary to Focusmate which only offers 25 or 50 min focus sessions, Flown has sessions ranging from 30 min to 2h. I like the 2h session, and often use 2 of these in the morning, which is my best time to focus on deep work. There also seems to be more Europeans on Flown, because it’s based in the UK, which means more sessions available when I prefer to work.

    Flown is more expensive than Focusmate, but it’s soo worth it. Last week I attended a review of the month for January within the app. Within an hour, I’d reviewed January AND planned what I needed to do in February, and it was super easy and fun. I’ve always had resistance to doing this, and in the past I used to pay £50 a month to be within a group where a similar session was facilitated. 

    Flown costs from ÂŁ20 a month (ÂŁ15 if you pay yearly, and you can even get lifetime membership which is what I got). You can try it for a month for free, and if you choose to join, you can use my affiliate link to get 20% off).

    Small business accountability groups

    The above helps with day to day stuff (and I’ve seen that Flown even offers review of the year sessions), but for the overall business planning/goals, and growing my business, I’ve learnt that I do better within a small group container run by a business coach. 

    I’m working with a new business coach this year called Caroline Leon. I decided to switch after 3 years working with another amazing business mentor called George Kao. There were several reasons for this: George is in the US and the sessions were late in the day for my liking ( I’m a morning person and focus much better early in the day). I also wanted to work within a smaller group.

    By taking part in small group coaching in the past, I’ve learnt that I achieve better results within the container of a small group of people. In early 2023 I was inside such a small group with healer Rebecca Wright, and I had the most successful financial month that I’d had since I started self employment 11 years ago. So I knew that, if I was going to grow my business, I needed to invest in such a group. 

    I took Caroline’s business planning workshop in December to see if I liked her. It was affordable at £50, and I really liked her approach. I’ve been in her mastermind group since the January and I’m liking her approach, the pace of the work, and the type of people she attracts (heart based solopreneurs like me,). The group is full of coaches, massage therapists and healers. I love Caroline’s no nonsense bottom up approach (for example the first task she’s encouraged us to do is to draft an ideal weekly working schedule- something I’ve dabbled in doing but still felt resistance to because it makes me feel constrained). The fact is that, if we do not decide what we want to prioritise in our business, then our clients often dictate it for us.

    Thanks to Caroline and a co-working session we did this week, for the first time in 11 years I’ve created a rough business plan for this year. I’ve written down how much I plan to earn AND broken down each of my offerings and how much of the income each one will represent.  I made a mind map drawing about it using water colours- because I find using a creative process helps me put some fun in tasks that I otherwise find dry and difficult to do. 

    Over the last 3 years my main source of income has been my online courses, but this year I also want to offer one to one mentoring for women through life transitions, in a doula style model (working with me for a minimum of 3 months with regular calls) , and also start offering a small group program. I’ll be offering taster sessions at a reduced cost soon and also running free interviews about the group program, so feel free to message me to register interest if you would be interested in taking part in these.

    The above covers the practical stuff, and I want to mention the emotional stuff as well.

    Managing emotions

    Procrastination is about emotions, and feeling discomfort about starting something we don’t want to do (overwhelm being a common issue for ADHD people). So addressing the emotions is an important part of the equation. A couple of years ago I took a course called Doodle your emotions, and it gave me an amazing tool to coach myself through difficult emotions. 

    Here’s an example of a doodle I made when I did not want to start a task and it felt overwhelming. It took me all of 10 minutes to shift the discomfort and finally get started.

    Now, with my access to work grant I’m getting ADHD coaching all year for free as well which I know will make an enormous difference. My coach will hopefully help me understand my emotions and put things in place to overcome challenges.

    Emotional dysregulation is a big part of being neurodivergent, and when running a business, you cannot fix this with systems that tackle the “doing” without tackling what’s doing on inside. I spent years for example thinking that if I found the right planning diary (I bought many different ones) all my business and procrastination problems would be solved. Not only it never worked, but it also contributed to feelings of inadequacy and shame.

    Changing consciousness and mood with drumbeats

    I’m writing a book about how drumming supports women through birth and life transitions, in my research for it I’ve found drummer Jeff Strong. He’s got ADHD and in his book, Different Drummer, he describes how certain drum rhythms can positively affect both mood and focus. I signed up for the free trial of his app, Brain Stim Audio, this week and the results are amazing. It feels as effective as taking ADHD meds for me. And this is from someone who normally cannot work to music because it distracts me too much.

    Giving myself permission to rest

    Finally, some days I’m just not feeling it and I’ve learnt that, when I resist my body’s need for rest (I still find it challenging to do this, as I carry some shame about not being productive all of the time), I pay the price dearly, because what happens is that I don’t achieve anything and I also don’t give myself the permission to rest. Then I feel crappy & annoyed at myself. I first learnt about it when I was still having a predictable menstrual cycle (link to blog), and then more recently (other blog). 

    I call it a f*ck it day. When I give myself the gift of rest, I often rebound very quickly afterwards, whereas when I don’t do that, the low energy often drags on for days.

    Does any of this resonate? Do you find overcoming procrastination challenging? What have you found helpful? Please comment below.

  • Do you feel overwhelmed on Monday mornings?

    Do you feel overwhelmed on Monday mornings?

    Every Monday morning, I sit at my desk and feel a sense of overwhelm. It’s odd because I have a job I really enjoy. What happens is that I see the entire week ahead as an enormous task, everything that needs to be done, and I get overwhelmed by it. I see the week’s tasks in my mind as a huge mountain, an Everest sized one. And I have no idea how to get there. It feels so massive and so difficult to do, that I don’t want to start.

    Does this sound familiar?

    Last year I realised that I have ADHD. I have most likely had it all my life, however in my case the symptoms didn’t become severe until I hit perimenopause. The change in hormones is known to make ADHD symptoms worse. I had a aha moment when I listened to this podcast episode about ADHD and perimenopause, because I recognised myself. This leaflet explains the issue too. One of the symptoms of ADHD is executive dysfunction. It can be explained like this: in neurotypical people, the frontal cortex acts like a friendly butler, reminding you of the tasks you have to do. For example: remember to buy some milk, remember you put your keys there etc.

    In neurodivergent people, the frontal cortex is not running the tasks. Instead, our reptilian brain is controlling things, and acting like an angry neighbour, telling us off for nor remembering things. Another aspect of executive dysfunction is that we have impaired non verbal working memory. This an inability to visualise the future. When a neurotypical person plans to do something, they see the image of what “done” looks like, and work backwards from there. People with ADHD struggle to do this. 

    In the case of mountain climbing, a neurotypical person would imagine themselves at the top of the mountain, then work backwards towards a lot of small steps of organisation and training. They would start implementing steps etc. In my case, all I can see is the top, and not the steps. I cannot break it down. It applies in many areas of my life. For example I’ve been meaning to declutter my house for years. It’s another typical ADHD thing to dislike clutter whilst also not being able to do the decluttering tasks. I dream of someone doing this for me. I have a huge stock of things I no longer need which I need to move out of my house (for example an 80 plus stock of baby carriers from my babywearing consultant days, my NCT teaching equipment, my doula equipment and large collection of books, and overflowing wardrobe, it goes on and on).

    When I imagine doing the decluttering, I do not know how to start, because it feels overwhelming. It’s a low dopamine task and I don’t know how to get started. I also feel that I either need to do it all, or not do it at all. Oddly, if someone does it with me, then I find it easy. And if I do it for someone else, I find it very easy too. This is why I used to love doing housework tasks I normally dread at home, when I was caring for a new mother as a postnatal doula. I’ve long learnt that internal motivation is not something I can muster for tasks that don’t excite me. And why all the “just do this” coming from people who have internal motivation only served to make me feel inadequate. Now I accept and embrace it as much as I can.

    This is why co-working with the app Focusmate has been a life changer for my business. You meet on video with other people around the world, during 25 or 50 min sessions, spend a couple of minutes telling the other person what you’re going to do, then work quietly alongside each other. At the end of the session, you spend another couple of minute telling each other how it went.  Some people I’ve co-worked with even use Focusmate to do their morning or evening routine, or to tidy up (it’s perhaps not surprising that many neurodivergent people use Focusmate, and this is how I discovered the ADHD for smart ass women group).

    The paradox with us ADHD people is that when we are excited by something (high dopamine tasks) then we can plough through work effortlessly at a speed not achievable by many people. It’s called hyperfocusing. I know this is certainly true for me. This is how I wrote my book in less than 6 months. This is how I create online courses, write blog posts, etc.

    So if you struggle to initiate tasks or get overwhelmed by them, what can you do?

    • Try to pre-plan the following week’s important tasks at the end of the week before, so that you don’t have to start with not knowing what to do.
    • Start the day with a little ritual: light a candle, burn some incense or diffuse some essential oils, and set an intention for the week
    • When feeling overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through (in my case this results in more overwhelm and procrastination) address the emotions first: set a timer for 5 minutes (or more, but I find that the short timing is less likely to be met with resistance), and journal, do a short meditation, or movement practise to help move the stuck energy.
    • Try writing : if I could only do 3 things today, and write these things
    • Break down each big tasks in lot of tiny little steps

    If you read this and recognise yourself, I hope it helps. I’d love to hear about your experience.

     

  • How I went from overwhelm to joyful productivity and authentic marketing

    How I went from overwhelm to joyful productivity and authentic marketing

    I became a self-employed perinatal educator and doula in 2013 after 20 years working as a biology research scientist. I loved my new job, but I had zero training in running a business. After 3 years, I found myself fully booked, overworked, and yet not earning enough to make my business sustainable. 

    Scrambling for solutions, I booked an expensive mastermind with a business coach. Whilst this did wonders for my visibility and income, it also resulted in making me more overwhelmed. It took me two years of struggle, feeling guilty when I wasn’t productive every minute of the day, and not doing all the activities the coach had suggested, to understand that something had to change. There was a defining moment when I stopped to collect some berries on my way home from a meeting, and I felt rushed and stressed because I thought I ought to be at my desk, doing work stuff.

    In 2018 I worked with another coach (free, as a case study) who encouraged me to find balance. This led to my current practice of year round wild swimming, 5rhythms dancing and drumming in the woods. These are the first things on my to-do list, because let’s face it, if you wait until you have done all your work on your list before doing the self-care tasks, the time never comes, and you just end up more stressed. Putting these things in the diary first ensures wellbeing and balance. I blogged about this here.  And you know what? These days when I pick berries I am calm, present and enjoying the moment fully. 

    I realise now that I was trying to put the cart before the horses, and sort out my overwhelm by working harder and believing that if I found the right technique, some kind of magic wand to fix the problem, everything would be all right. Now I know that running a business is a marathon not a sprint, and that trying to run one without slowly learning and training only results in frustration and feelings of failure. I have helped others do the same process of understanding how to tend to the roots of their business in mentoring sessions. It feels very good to use my experience to help others on their journey.

    I got the overwhelm sorted, but I still didn’t know how to market myself. 

    In January 2021, I discovered authentic business and joyful productivity coach George Kao, felt a huge resonance, and booked onto his authentic content course (which only cost ÂŁ80).

    What a revelation! I realised with immense relief that what George was advocating exactly what I was already enjoying doing : sharing for sharing’s sake, rather than for selling’s sake. I had been blogging prolifically since 2015, I just never thought that this counted as marketing. Before meeting George, I always felt uncomfortable doing marketing because authenticity and integrity are my top 2 values. Old school, lizard brain marketing made me squirm! 

    Thanks to George’s knowledge, I realised that a lot of what I thought I was not good at (like my newsletter opening rate, or the reach from selling as opposed to sharing posts) was actually normal! This removed so much of the pressure I was putting on myself.

    Within a month of joining George’s course, I ran my first free webinar to launch a online course. 115 people attended, and I sold about ten courses and a flurry of physical products. But the most important aspect for me was that, for the first time in my life, when I reached the part of my webinar when I mentioned selling my course, no longer felt yucky, because I talked about it from a genuine place of gentle offering as opposed to trying to manipulate people in buying it.

    As an energy worker, I always felt that if the energy that was behind an offer wasn’t genuine or positive, then it wouldn’t attract people. Suddenly I was able to bring ease and flow into my offering, and from then on, the universe responded with abundance. This ease has carried on since, and for the first time in my life, I feel like creating a sustainable income without working myself into the ground is not only possible but I can see how I am going to make it happen.

    Another mistake I used to make was creating courses based on what I thought my audience would like, which resulted in my spending hours creating an online course based on my book, which hasn’t been successful. In Autumn 2021, for the first time I sold a face to face workshop on creating mother blessings,  before creating the content for it. For control freak me this was a big step! Then, bearing in mind George’s words of “you know enough” in my head, I created the entire workshop contents within 2 weeks from my own knowledge alone. People attending the workshop, most of whom had already trained with me before, told me that they found it hard to believe that this was the first time I taught it, and that was the best workshop I had taught so far.

    George encourages his trainees to share with their audience as a ministry. Since January 2021 I have kept a rhythm of sharing a minimum of one article and one video every week. I have increased my audience and I get more engagement. I no longer feel that whether my posts receive a lot of likes or not is a reflection of my worth.

    In 2021 I launched an online course and it has earned me almost as much money in 6 months as the previous course did in 3 years. 

    The move to online teaching means that, not only am I no longer overworked like when I travelled all over the UK to teach 2 or 3 live workshops a month, but I am getting an international audience as opposed to a UK one. In the last webinar I ran, I had attendees from 7 different countries, from Europe to America to Australia. The book I published in 2020, Why postnatal recovery matters, is now being translated in 3 other languages.

    Over the last month, because I got a new puppy, and my working hours have been extremely reduced (probably a maximum of 2 to 3 hours a day whilst the pup naps). Yet I’ve launched a new online course, and earned the same amount of money that I expect to get each month. 

    As I embark on learning to do netcaring as the next steps towards gently promoting my work, and as I prepare to leave being a birth doula behind to focus exclusively on teaching and writing, I see a potential for growing my business further, gently and slowly, from a place of authentic, joyful flow and ease.

    If you are interested in checking if George Kao’s approach resonates with you, he has written several brilliant books, such as Joyful Productivity for Solopreneurs, and the kindle version only costs ÂŁ5.