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Sophie Messager

Category: Support

  • Postpartum support and butterflies: what do they have in common?

    Postpartum support and butterflies: what do they have in common?

    In my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, I explain that postnatal recovery boils down to 4 pillars: social support, rest, food and bodywork.

    Social support is the foundation on which everything else is built. If you are going to rest, have some great nourishing, food and some bodywork after birth, it’s kind of impossible to do this alone. You need other adults around to be supporting you in order to do this.

    But postpartum support goes beyond the simple practical aspect of having other pairs of hands to hold the baby, cook you food or give you a massage.

    Yes, having another adult in the house means that there is someone to help with house stuff, but most importantly, it means that we aren’t alone. It means that there is someone else to keep us company, listens, and reassure us when we doubt ourselves.

    It means, most importantly, that there is someone to hold the space for us.

    Holding the space looks like someone is doing nothing, but it might be the most important aspect of all. Heather Plett explains this concept beautifully in her article.

    In the episode of the Midwives’s Cauldron podcast I did about postnatal recovery, I tell a story that illustrates this beautifully (you can listen to it here). When my daughter was a baby, she suffered from painful gas at night which left her inconsolable. I became aware that she reacted to certain foods I ate and had to eliminate these from my diet. On a holiday to France when she was 3 months old, I unknowingly ate some food she reacted really badly to, and she woke up in the middle of the night and cried for over an hour. As I got out of her bed to rock and soothe her, my mother heard her cry, and she came to keep me company. She didn’t do much; she just sat with me whilst I rocked my baby. But having another adult there, just being present for me, meant that I felt much stronger and able to support my daughter.

    Recently a new mother I supported as a doula told me something similar: she said you have help during the day, but at night, you’re alone and it’s so hard. I helped her find a night doula, and it made a world of difference to her wellbeing.

    As humans we are a social species, and we kind of intuitively know that we need community support through life transitions. This is why every culture used to have (and many still have) a set of rituals around big life transitions life becoming a parent.

    The polyvagal nervous system theory tells her that we need each other to regulate our stress levels, especially at times when we are vulnerable.

    Postpartum rituals around the world all have in common a period of about a month during which the new mother is nurtured and looked after, almost like a child, because there is an innate understanding that she needs to be surrounded and supported by experienced adults as she navigates her new role and identity.

    Western societies are so focused on productivity that we tend to only plan for practical things. I see a parallel with what people ask me about my doula role. They ask what does a doula do, yet most of my role isn’t easily quantified, because it is more about being than doing.

    An analogy often used for the transition to motherhood is that the change from a caterpillar to a butterfly.

    If you have ever seen a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, you’ll know that as the butterfly first comes out, its wings are crumpled and soft. The butterfly needs to hang upside down from its cocoon or a nearby branch, whilst it waits for the wings to unfold, dry and strengthen. Only then can it take its first flight. If you’ve ever witnessed this you may also know that if the butterfly falls before the wings are dried, the wings are usually damaged.

    Postpartum support is the same. It is about providing stable ground. One cannot help or speed up the wings unfolding and drying process, but they can be the strong cocoon on which the butterfly hangs whilst they unfurl.

    We need to introduce this concept in the postpartum too: that what new mothers need, most of all, are people to hold the space for them, and who trust that they can find their own path, and unfold and spread their wings by themselves, in their own time, once there have become strong enough.

    (PS: if you’re a birth geek like me you’ll be fascinated like I was to learn that there is a substance called meconium, which sounds quite similar to the human version, which the butterfly pushes through its wings to unfurl them.)

  • Period Pain: if you’ve been told there is nothing you can do about it, read on.

    Period Pain: if you’ve been told there is nothing you can do about it, read on.

    If you suffer from period pain, or someone you know does, and if you have been told that there is nothing you can do: you have been lied to. There is plenty you can do, it is just that the knowledge isn’t part of what is taught within Western medical training.

    I got my period pain fixed, and it makes me so angry that women are told this lie over and over again, are told that it is normal, because it stops them from seeking the help that is available. I’m on a mission to change this.

    This is my story:

    I suffered from severe period pain from the moment I started my period. The pain was so severe that in my teenage years I used to be sent to the nurse’s room at school each month. I curled up in pain on the bed there and waited for my mother to come and collect me. I would spent the first day or two of each period curled up in bed with a hot water bottle. Sometimes the pain was so bad I vomited.

    I tried everything from mainstream drugs to homeopathy, but nothing worked. Around age 15 I was put on hormonal therapy for it. At age 16 I started taking the pill. As I no longer had “periods” (the bleeding caused by stopping the pill for a week is different from that of a period) I was free of pain. I stayed on the pill from the age of 16 to until I was 33, when I decided to stop taking the pill because I was diagnosed with precancerous cells on my cervix (I read some research showing a link between long term pill taking and these- If you want to read about it, the book “The Pill, Are you sure it’s for you” By Alexandra Pope, is fantastic).

    My period pain came back with a revenge. My husband, who had never seen me with this pain, was shocked at how bad it was. I remember once we were driving  when it started and I had to get him to park on the side of the road as I writhed in pain on the car seat, white as a sheet and covered in cold sweat, until I waited for the painkillers to kick in.

    I went to the GP for help. I remember being stunned when all I was offered was to take pain killers. I said to the GP :  “Really, in 15 years the medicine still hasn’t moved on?”. At the time I was working in a biotech company, and told my boss about this, and he said “if men had pain in their dick once a month you can be sure there would be a drug for it”!

    I resigned myself to taking ibuprofen every month. Then I became pregnant and the pregnancy and birth seemed to temporarily fix the problem. My periods became more regular and I was pain free for a few years after having my children. Then, a few years after my second child was born, the pain came back. I resigned myself to taking the pain killers again.

    In 2014 I met an osteopath in Cambridge called Teddy Brookes. I mentioned this to him and he said he could help. I was surprised and slightly disbelieving, but it was so bad I was willing to try anything. Teddy is trained in visceral osteopathy, something not all osteopaths are trained in. He felt the ligaments around the front of my uterus (the round ligaments), told me they were very tight, and worked on releasing them. It was not comfortable and I had to do some deep birth breathing during the treatment.

    That evening and night I had a lot of cramps in my uterus, but the next morning I woke up feeling absolutely amazing, both physically and emotionally. I felt like nothing could touch me. The next cycle the pain was less but still there. I got in touch with Teddy and he talked me through how to release the ligaments myself. I had to get my husband to do it as I couldn’t get my fingers in the right direction but it helped. Within 2 or 3 cycles I was completely pain free and I have been for 6 years.

    I was baffled by this because as a scientist I knew that from a scientific point of view, the cramps of period pain were caused by hormones called prostaglandins and I couldn’t see why releasing ligaments would affect this. Teddy explained that there cramps were still there, only that they were comfortable. I was delighted to be cured of the pain.

    As I told women about my experience, some asked me to teach them how to release their ligaments. But I didn’t feel comfortable doing that because everybody is unique and I thought maybe other ligaments would be tight and therefore need a different technique. Teddy told me that it is almost always the round ligaments that are too tight (more on that later).

    Other things happened along the way that helped my have a different relationship to my menstrual cycle. In 2016 I attended a workshop by Alexandra Pope of Red School, that helped me understand the changing energies throughout my cycle and how to tap into them. This led me to make sure I rested as much as possible during the first couple of days of my period. I blogged it about here.

    With my own practise, working closely with Teddy (we created a postnatal massage course together), massaging new mothers with closing the bones, with supporting women with healing as a Reiki practitioner, and with training such as spinning babies and biomechanics for birth, I general became more aware of my body and of the importance of good balance for uterine health.

    In 2019 I attended a workshop on womb health by Arvigo massage therapist Hilary Lewin. She brought a life size womb suit and proceeded to demonstrate in a very visual manner how the ligaments of the uterus affect period comfort.

    The uterus is attached to the pelvis by several sets of ligaments. You can see a 3D illustration of how the uterus ligaments attach to the pelvis in this video. The round ligaments in particular attach from the top of the uterus and to the front of the pelvis. A healthy uterus is normally slightly bend over the bladder. If the round ligaments are too tight, the uterus will be bent forward a lot more, making expelling menstrual blood a lot harder, and therefore more painful (as the uterus will need to cramp harder to get the blood out).

    In this video I explain in a very visual way what happens when the uterus is not optimally positioned.

    Part of the problem is that we live sedentary and unbalanced lifestyle so many of us have tight ligaments (sitting down a lot tends to do that) and don’t even know it. Because everything in your body is linked, having tight or unbalanced ligaments and/or pelvis may affect many other things too, such as causing back pain or bowel issues. Abdominal massage therapist Barbara Loomis explains some of this with great illustrations here.

    Sadly many women suffer needlessly suffer from horrendous pain, and because most of us believe the narrative that there is nothing we can do, we don’t seek help.

    Here are some stories to illustrate the pain of what some go through, and in some case what helped them:

    When I was younger, before kids I had some months were I would be crying & in excruciating agony, where I’d lay fetal style for hours in so much pain. Pain killers wouldn’t touch it. It wasn’t like that every month, but definitely had it a lot! I always had heavy periods with less pain or light with more pain! Doctors would always say : ‘it can’t be that bad’ and would basically ignore me. They wouldn’t believe me that paracetamol or ibuprofen didn’t work for me (I have a condition where I metabolise drugs really fast) I remember once (this is awful but) taking the strongest pain killers my Nan had prescribed to her for chronic pain, they still only barely took the edge off! My husband found me in a ball crying once & tried to take me to hospital but I knew there was no point. Once I started having kids I found they got so much better. I now have fairly ok period pain but I do now wrap my hips, use reiki, have a bath & rest (especially on my first day as much as I can)! Carly Lokrheim

    From the onset of my periods I had severe pain. Every month I used to be floored in agony. I went yellow in skin tone and was physically sick and sometimes past out. I used fear it every month. My bleed was so heavy and clotted I used to leak right through my school uniform. I was taken to the doctors many many times and was fobbed off and treated as a silly girl. I felt (and it was said) that I had a low pain threshold and I would not be able to handle birth. This put me off ever having children (right up until I was in my mid 30’s) As I got older PMT got more and more intense till it started to affect my marriage. At this point I started Ayurvedic treatment which included massage, life style changes and diet changes. This really really helped with my periods and PMT. When we tried to get pregnant I found there was unexplained infertility, I started acupuncture and found it really helpful and also had a laparoscopy and found I had endometriosis scaring and fibroids. I think a combination of all three treatments/practices helped us to conceive and go on to have two babies. I now follow my cycles and adapt my life (as much as possible) to follow my inner seasons or at least be aware of them. I now also use a moon cup and relish my bleed as a time to retreat and surrender. Clare Wilson Hasted

    I had awful period pain from the age of 11 when it started, I would vomit and faint/ pass out with the pain. I was put on the pill at 13 it didn’t really help what did help was paracetamol, hot water bottles and rest. Then in my late teens I read a book called Who dies? and starting using the meditations in there to cope with the pain, I used the same meditations to cope with my contractions. I also took cramp bark. Staci Sylvan

    I tend to bleed for 17 – 20 days and I have excruciating period pains. This started at the age of 13 and has followed my entire life. I had hoped pregnancy might help but 6 weeks after giving birth sure enough agonising pains. I have tried so many therapies, pills  implant etc. And the pain each month is still so severe I missed time off school as a teenager and miss work as an adult. Every job I have had I keep a hot water bottle at my desk and painkillers in a drawer. I have had a mirena since the age of 21 and since then have not missed work due to period pains. My cycle became regular and bleeding only for 5 days. After having my son I had a 4 year break from the mirena. I realised I just couldn’t cope without it, my body hurt so much, I was exhausted and honestly just not a nice person as I was in agony so often, couldn’t sleep, didn’t want my husband touching me. I had the mirena inserted last November and I remember about 7 days later feeling like I had woken up. My foggy head cleared and I felt in control of my body again. I do get pain but it’s manageable with a hot water bottle and rest. I am happier, calmer, more patient and I feel like I have my life back. I can’t over state how much the Mirena has changed my life. It’s spectacular and I will always be grateful to the GP who initially recommended it after about 7 years of begging for help and being dismissed as “you’re female you just have to deal with it”. In terms of the pain  for me it’s thighs, bum, lower back and lower abdomen. It can been so painful I vomit from it. I feel like my whole body is stiff, exercise makes it worse. Rocking my hips on a gym ball cam help or gentle bouncing. When it’s at its worse there is no way I can work, I can barely talk and usually just end up crying. Jay

    As a teenager my period pain was severe. If my daughter experienced pain like that, I would take her to the doctor, or emergency in some cases I had. However, I was too afraid/embarrassed/shamed/whatever to tell my mom or anyone. I remember having to go into work while vomiting and hunched over in pain because my boss wouldn’t take no for an answer because I didn’t sound sick. Sharon Bales

    I’m aware that period pain can be caused by other issues than biomechanics. I know that some have PCOS or endometriosis or other conditions…but it is the same: you are sadly unlikely to get answers from mainstream medical professionals because they simply lack the training, knowledge and the tools to help you. It’s not their fault, rather it is the very narrow view of how Western culture sees the body that is to blame. As Katie Bowman explains in this article:

    “Dysmenorrhea is a pain, literally. It’s a painful period, ranging from light to severe, that can also include vomiting, diarrhoea, headache and fainting. The “primary” means that the dysmenorrhoea is not occurring simultaneously with another known pelvic pathology. (Secondary dysmenorrhoea can be created or affected by issues like endometriosis and fibroids that can cause extremely painful periods, and I know that people suffering from those conditions have likely heard a million “just do this” solutions, and I’m not trying to offer that here, although I hope that movement might relieve some part of your pain.”

    So what can you do to help with period pain? Here are some of the therapies I have personally used or heard that some had success with:

    See a bodyworker that can work on your uterus alignment. This could be an osteopath or a chiropractor or a physiotherapist who is trained in visceral osteopathy. Or you could see someone who is trained in womb massage such as an Arvigo massage or a Mizan Therapy, or a Fertility Massage practitioner. Having a closing the bones massage may help too. Make sure to get recommendation from good local practitioners.

    For the past year or so I had been suffering with debilitating period pains: I would faint, hang from my husband’s neck as if I was in labour, I’d only find relief in the bathtub where I’d be playing mermaid for at least half a day on my first day of bleeding. It got so bad I was checked for endometriosis and cervical cancer (as I also got 1 cycle with constant intermittent bleeding between 2 periods). Nothing wrong physically. After Sophie Messager mentioned her osteopath helping her with period pains to the point she is now pain free, I spoke to my chiropractor, where I’m currently going for regular sessions on another issue. For the past 2 cycles, she’s worked on my pelvis and the round ligaments holding my womb, and – touch wood – I’ve only had the slightest dull sensation on my previous cycle, not even worth calling pain, and am TOTALLY pain free in my current cycle. The difference is totally unbelievable. Ladies, if you suffer from period pain, this might be THE thing that changes everything. I already used rebozos, aromatherapy, herbal teas for myself, but nothing was even touching the edge of it. Until I got the tension in the ligaments released. I don’t even notice now, physically, that I’m on my period. (Emotionally and energy-wise I still do, and aromatherapy, herbs and rebozos still have a role to play there — but now it’s just become a week of gorgeous self-care, not a week of intense pain that makes that self-care so focused on the pain). Japjeet Rajbir Kaur Khalsa

    I personally found osteopathy and Ayurveda completely resolves my painful periods. Also reframing my understanding after reading Wild Power has been beyond powerful. Emma Hayward

    Work on your alignment (either face to face with a specialist such a physiotherapist, Pilates or yoga teacher or with an online course-see a list of courses at the end of this blog). Rosie Dhoopun is an alignment specialist. She shows you a movement routine to ease period pain here.

    Alignment and movement worked for me. Plus surprisingly using cloth pads. I even get mild cramps using a mooncup so use that infrequently. I used to suffer terribly as a child and eat a whole packet of feminax to get through. These last years I use to have such bad knee pain but all stopped since releasing tension. Isn’t it such a shame we are told it’s normal and medication is the best thing. Rosie Dhoopun

    My periods were once every 6 months. And I’d be on strong painkillers for a week to get even near function. I saw a chiropractor, switched to barefoot shoes and started stretching my calves in my 30’s which took me to regular and pain free. Philippa Wilmot

    See an acupuncturist. I have personally had great results treating infertility and recurrent miscarriages with one and I found that it helped make my period more comfortable too. Here is a review of the evidence behind the effectiveness of acupuncture for period pain by the Acupuncture council.

    See a herbalist. I saw Natasha at Forage Botanicals to help with the symptoms of the perimenopause who specialises in treating painful periods.

    See a homeopath. Here is an article with some suggestions on homeopathic remedies that might help.

    See a nutrition specialist with experience in this area. Since painful periods can be caused by too much inflammation in the body, changing your diet may help your pain.

    Nutritional therapy helped me. Period pain was crippling as a teen and rectified by the pill, which I took for ten years but it caused depression. Period pains got quite bad again slowly over the course of a few years and then stopped when I stopped smoking and did a sugar detox! My friend is a nutritional therapist, I was having bad mood swings all the time and awful cramps during my period. I wanted to try anything that would stop me needing SSRIs. She told me it was because the body can take a certain amount of stress but it has limits, so when I stopped smoking, it had better circulation and that helps with pain management and when I stopped eating sugar, less stress on my organs and hormones. Barely a cramp since. Abbi Leibert

    I found my period pain (not severe but present and very uncomfortable) almost disappeared after going vegan. Pippa Moss

    I had breakthrough bleeding in between my periods every month for nearly 3 years, I had all sorts of investigations scans biopsies nothing came back as a problem. Even had 4 miscarriages but still nothing has been found as a problem despite all the blood tests and so on. I discovered something called hair tissue mineral analysis and arrange the sample sent off I also did some additional blood tests privately. I found extensive mineral deficiencies and results consistent with hypothyroid despite normal blood results. I had a specially adapted list of supplements and dietary changes given to me by nutritional list and Six months on no breakthrough bleeding my period is so much more manageable, even more so since I discovered magnesium spray, and I have been wrapping my hips for quite some time. Still not entirely sure what our future holds in terms of pregnancies but at the moment I’m just happy with how far I’ve come in the six months. Nicola Witcombe

    Other more unusual things to try:

    Year round wild swimming (I’m not suggesting you swim in cold water during the actual bleeding when keeping warm is important), but there is mounting evidence that it does wonders to you wellbeing. It earthes you as well, see my blog on the subject.

    Try grounding yourself. Since period pain is at least in part caused by inflammation, and earthing/grounding has been shown to decrease inflammation, it may help. It can be as simple as walking or standing barefoot on the ground/grass. See a review of the evidence behind earthing in this paper.

    Try dancing. Movement has been shown to ease period pain, and boost blood flow. Conscious dance practises, such as 5rhythms, allows you to get deep into a movement that is unique to you.

    Nicky Smith, Ecstatic dance facilitator, says:

    “One thing which really helped me was movement. Our usual & natural inclination is to move away from pain & discomfort, of course! If we can move towards it, even a little, then allow the movement & expression to come from that place in our body it can give the intensity an expression which can support a release. Breathing into that place & moving on the exhale, helping our system to relax into rather than away from. The more I practise this approach the more I can move towards the pinnacle of the pain/discomfort and when I reach that edge my body will naturally start shaking. We can of course induce shaking ourselves. Another sweet release can be with our voice, giving that pain a sound, sometimes alongside movement can be a powerful medicine.”

    Ideally you would be able to see someone who is holistic in their approach and will take a case history and who can suggest an approach that covers all bases. But trying even one therapy is well worth it as it may be your first step on the road towards of a pain free period.

    As a teenager I never looked for help, because period and its pain is/was a taboo; I also lied down in a foetus position crying from pain. No pain anymore after having kids; what helped me was to accept my female body, as well as solving female ancestral karma (Closing the bones, constellation therapy, cranio-sacral therapy). So not one particular method, but rather awareness that menstrual taboos are so deep in our consciousness and that unhealed ancestral female traumas feel so painful in the body because the one/generation who becomes aware of that releases a lot of that ancestral shit with the energy of menstruation. Laura Linde

    What can you do for yourself (without seeing a therapist)

    Wrap your hips! I show you how to do this in this video. Because it supports the pelvis, the uterus and its ligaments, and because it provides warmth, wrapping your pelvis during your period may provide relief. I show a simple way of doing it in this video (there are others on my YouTube channel, and I have a blog on postnatal wrapping that is full of examples of ways to do it). Here is a blog post from Mizan Therapy explaining why it might help.

    Try switching to using reusable menstrual products. Some women report a decrease in period pain when they switched to using washable pads, period pants or a menstrual cup (There is a great YouTube channel about reusable sanitary products and menstrual cups here).

    My extremely heavy flow (so much so I couldn’t go to work 2 days at start of period, leaked through clothes etc) was helped hugely by moving to cloth sanitary protection. They say the chemicals in disposable pads increase flow. There was never a mention of the sanitary wear I used as a cause, rather the potential need for gynae reviews and long term medication. Thankfully not needed thanks to cloth sanitary products. Claire Pitchford

    My biggest healer has been switching to cloth and organic, un bleached sanitary ware and a series of womb massage sessions with Tania Meacher-Payne. She knocked my period down from 10-6 days. Life changing. I call her the womb fairy. Vikki Young

    Work on your alignment yourself.  Alignment specialist Rosie Dhoopun runs an online courses on the topic. In this video she explains a set of techniques you can do yourself.

    There is a list of things to try to decrease period pain in this blog by Katy Bowman :

    • “1.  Two days before the expected time for the flow to begin, reduce the amount of work done and increase the amount of rest.  Take a warm tub bath each evening for thirty minutes.
    • 2.  When the flow starts, go to bed and keep hot-water bottles to the feet and lower abdomen.
    • 6.  To help prevent future attacks of dysmenorrhea give attention to the following:
    • a.  Regular habits of eating, sleeping, and exercise.
    • b.  A wholesome diet, free from spices, condiments, greasy or fried food, tea and coffee, with little or no fresh food.
    • c.  Avoid tight clothing, and see that the limbs, neck, and chest are prevented from chilling.
    • d.  Correct constipation, if present.”

    Take an online course:

    Checkout some websites

    Read some books:

    Here are the ones I have read and loved.

    • Wild Power by Alexandra Pope
    • Period Power by Maisie Hill
    • The wise wound by Penelope Shuttle and Peter Redgrove
    • Women’s bodies Women Wisdom by Dr Christiane Northrup
    • Moon Time by Lucy Pearce

    For supporting puberty:

    • Reaching for the moon by Lucy Pearce
    • How to support your daughter through puberty by Melonie Syrett

    And here is a collection of 28 books on the topic

    I’d love to hear about any other resources or therapies you have found useful!

  • Why I want to change the nature of postnatal support

    Why I want to change the nature of postnatal support

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    Earlier this week I wrote a blog that’s been playing on my mind for many years. It’s called “why I wish I had hired a postnatal doula“

    In this blog I explain how challenging I found new motherhood, how lonely and upset I felt through those early weeks and how I longed for some support but failed to reach out because of a mix of shame for not loving every minute of being a mother, and feeling like I couldn’t justify the expense.

    As a doula, I witness the same challenge in new mothers. Sometimes I do not even know they are struggling until weeks later, because, whilst they sit in the same pit of discomfort and shame as I did, thinking they are the only one that struggle, they don’t usually reach out for help do they?

    I have written before about the topic of making a postnatal recovery plan, and about what new mothers really need, and you’re not meant to be doing this on your own (hint: it’s not flowers or stuffed bears).

    The wisdom in traditional postpartum practises around the world is very simple really, it boils down to 4 main elements of support for the mother:

    • Rest (someone takes care of the chores)
    • Food ( someone takes care of cooking good, nutritious meals)
    • Social support (the new mother is never alone at home with a baby)
    • Bodywork (someone massages the new mother, along with wrapping her hips/abdomen)

    I have a strong urge to write more about this, to spread the word further, I have a list of blogs as long as my arm about this topic, and in fact I now am thinking I need to write a book, or possibly more than one book, about this topic. Something easy to share, I might start with an ebook, like the one I have already written about rebozo techniques.

    I’m a knowledge junkie, so since I started learning about some postpartum practises, I’ve asked everybody I’ve met about the traditional practices from their country, and you know what, every continent in the world has some form of specific nurturing, specific foods, and bodywork and wrapping.

    After all, you’ve not only grown and birthed a whole new human, your body has accommodated this through tremendous changes.

    During pregnancy, the uterus grows from the size of a pear to the size of a watermelon (pushing abdominal organs out of the way, changing the shape of your muscles, ligaments and spine as it does so), then back again after birth.

    It seems crazy to me that nobody makes sure that all the organs, muscles, joints and ligaments have safely returned where they belong.

    I bake a groaning cake for all mothers I support, and sometimes make a traditional Chinese chicken soup too (my husband is from Hong Kong, and there is still a very strong postpartum nurturing culture there)

    Learning to massage and wrap new mothers had lead me onto a journey of discovery about postpartum practises, got me to work closely with an osteopath, create a new type of massage, and develop my skills in an apprenticeship manner. The two combined led me to develop a deep practical knowledge of what happens to women bodies after birth.

    This has fuelled a fire that makes me want to shout from the rooftops that what we get in the Western world just isn’t good enough, and want to work hard to change that.

    If this resonates with you, and you would like to learn some of these nurturing skills, I am running some Rebozo and Postnatal Recovery Massage courses in July-see https://sophiemessager.com/workshops-birth-professionals/

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  • Why I wish I had hired a postnatal doula

    Why I wish I had hired a postnatal doula

    When I was pregnant with my first child, I hired a birth doula.

    This was the best thing I have ever done and it has had positive effects beyond anything I could have expected, because it didn’t just impact how positive my pregnancy and birth were, it led to a complete transformation of who I was, both personally and professionally (read about that here  and here)

    But my biggest regret is that I didn’t hire my birth doula as a postnatal doula.

    Today, these feelings were re-triggered by reading this article called self care with a newborn.

    I wish, and I have wished so many times that I could go back to my newborn mother self and tell her to hire my doula for postnatal support.

    I cannot change that, but at least I can try and help other mothers understand why it’s so worth it.

    You see when my son was born, I struggled massively with the changes having a newborn baby brought to my life.

    I went from being an independent, successful, corporate woman, at the peak of my career in science, to being at home, alone, all day, with a helpless and very needy infant.

    And nothing had prepared me for how challenging this would be.

    My son was one of those “velcro babies”. He wouldn’t be put down without screaming for the first 3 months of his life. Today, I can see how this was helpful, as it was instrumental in my becoming a babywearing instructor, but at the time it was so fucking hard! Not only did he cry every time I tried to put him down, but I also needed to be moving constantly whilst he was in the sling, otherwise he still cried.

    It was exhausting. I couldn’t rest, I couldn’t sit down to eat, I couldn’t look after myself.

    Helping him sleep took hours, and I paced and paced whilst longing to sit down and rest.

    After my husband had gone back to work, I longed for another adult to just take the baby away so I could shower or sleep without worrying about the baby crying. Or simply have my arms baby free for an hour or two, or to have some adult company during the day.

    I felt utterly lonely, because my social circle was at work from 9 to 5, and whilst I did eventually re-create a new mummyhood social circle, this took months, during which I felt miserable, at home all day or walking by myself in parks, feeling pangs of envy when I saw other mums hanging out together.

    I also spent weeks struggling to make my son fit within the constraints of what I thought I “ought to do” (pushing him in a pram which he hated instead of the sling he loved, trying to make him sleep on his own in a moses basket for hours without success etc). This just resulted in a lot of tears and frustration.

    When I look back (hindsight is such a wonderful thing isn’t it?), especially through the lens of my 13 years as a mother, combined with my 8 years as a doula, it’s easy to see that most of the problem stemmed from my being a control freak, from desperately trying to live my life like I did before I had a baby, from a loss of identity, and from a inability to make sense of the whole experience.

    I had a really hard time adjusting to motherhood, and those feelings had nowhere to go, because I wasn’t even able to articulate them and understand what I was going through.

    I also felt somewhat guilty that I wasn’t enjoying being alone with my baby, and that I wasn’t feeling “fulfilled” by motherhood.

    I didn’t know at the time, but there was an element of shame there.

    Now I know how much hiring my birth doula for just a few hours of postnatal support would have made a world of difference.

    Sadly at the time I felt I could not justify the expense.

    It felt selfish, and unjustifiable, somehow, to spend money on myself, especially when I had a much reduced maternity pay salary.

    Yet I bought tons of crap I didn’t need for my baby. That I felt was OK to spend money on. When I look back, all I feel is sadness for my newborn mother self about it. I wish I could go back and tell her.

    Because, when I look back at the cost of raising a child, over the course of the last 13 years, I really wish I had been able to see that spending a bit of money towards a few hours’ worth of postnatal support would have been SO worth it.

    If I had hired my doula as a postnatal doula, she would listened to me deeply, she would have reassured me that it was NORMAL not to enjoy every minute of being a mother.

    By actively listening to me, and holding the space for my thoughts and feelings to come out, she have been able to reflect back them back to me, and help me identify them and untangle the complex and conflicting emotions I was feeling.

    She would have helped me understand the delicate process of transition I was undergoing, like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

    She would have empathised.

    She would have helped name and validate those emotions.

    She would have helped me understand why it was so hard, and helped me to not feel so guilty about it.

    She would have helped reframe those feelings of not being useful, of not having achieved anything with my day (and that I see so often in other mums).

    She would have encouraged me to rest more and not run around like a headless chicken trying to do all the chores I did before the baby was born.

    She would have explained the wisdom in postpartum rest traditions, and help me see how short changed we are with this in the Western world.

    She would have helped me see that things would get easier and not constantly stay in this unbearable intensity of early motherhood.

    She would have been someone I trusted to look after my baby whilst I slept, or had a much needed moment of me time.

    She would have prepared me something nice to eat, and held the baby whilst I ate it (whilst it was still hot).

    She would have sat down next to me during those endless feeds, and made me a drink and a snack and listened to me, making me feel like me and my feelings mattered.

    She would have helped reframe what normal newborn behaviour was, as opposed to the fear of “bad habits” our screwed up culture had instilled in me, and encouraged me to follow my instincts.

    She would have helped me find ways of managing my time and relax more.

    She would have signposted me to local mother groups, where I could have found other mums to hang out with a lot faster than it happened organically.

    She might even have given me a nurturing and much needed massage designed for new mums like closing the bones.

    In short, I know she would have helped transform my early postpartum weeks from a difficult and uncomfortable period of growth to one of understanding and acceptance.

    She would have helped the transition.

    I know it’s easy for me to say all this, because I’m a doula myself, and often I shy away from telling this to new mums, because I don’t want them to think I’m just doing it to tout my business.

    I just want you to have a better experience than I did.

    I want you to put your needs first, because you matter.

    Because trust me, I know what a difference it would have made.

  • January : a time for rest and reflection

    January : a time for rest and reflection

    I’ve just had a lovely catchup with fellow doula Hazel Acland Tree with whom I have fortnightly accountability calls (I can’t recommend doing this enough by the way).

    During our call I expressed how frustrated I am with my desire to go forward and make plans now that we’re at the beginning of the year, and the energy I’m feeling instead, which is quite inward and not at all forward at the moment.

    Whilst chatting to Hazel I had a realisation that the energies right now, during the winter time, are indeed inwards, and that it doesn’t make sense that we are expected to make our yearly plans in January. We ought to make them in spring or summer, when our energy is high, and outwards looking.

    When I was a biology student, I went to a lecture on chronobiology, the science of “when” rather than “why” and “what”. This made so much sense to me and attracted me so much I ended up specialising in it, and doing my PhD and 2 postdocs on the genes the regulate our seasonal reproductive clock.

    I remember during the introduction lecture, the speaker explained that since we are regulated by daylight, our energy is naturally higher in the summer when days are longer, and that in the past, as most people farmed the land, they worked much harder during spring and summer than during the winter months when nothing grew. When school became obligatory, the farmers agreed to send their kids to school but said they’d need them back for the harvest, which is how the tradition of summer holidays started.

    Yet, even in our modern world, we still experience this annual peak and through of energy.

    Like trees losing their leaves and returning their energies inwards before the new growth can occur, we too, during winter, need this inwards and more restful time.

    As I talked about my plans and my frustration in trying to push through, but also about my knowledge that I want to lay down some feelings for the year ahead, meditate and make a vision board before I start getting down to the nitty gritty of what I’m going to do in 2019, my friend suggested very wisely suggested that rather than looking for the fruit I needed to tend to my roots first.

    I loved this very powerful image, especially as our culture is all focused on results, ie the fruits.

    But you can bear no fruits if you do not tend to, or nourish the roots.

    This also reminded me of another powerful story in the (surprisingly spiritual) book “The 7 habits of highly effective people” by Stephen Covey.

    ” Suppose you were to come upon someone in the woods working feverishly to saw down a tree.

    “What are you doing?” you ask.

    “Can’t you see?” comes the impatient reply. “I’m sawing down this tree.”

    “You look exhausted!” you exclaim. “How long have you been at it?”

    “Over five hours,” he returns, “and I’m beat! This is hard work.”

    “Well, why don’t you take a break for a few minutes and sharpen that saw?” you inquire. “I’m sure it would go a lot faster.”

    “I don’t have time to sharpen the saw,” the man says emphatically. “I’m too busy sawing!”

    Stephen Covey goes further in saying that

    ” Sharpen the Saw means preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have–you. It means having a balanced program for self-renewal in the four areas of your life: physical, social/emotional, mental, and spiritual.”

    You can read example of such activities here

    There is true magic in stopping, resting and taking stock and seeing the forest for the trees.

    I have written about this topic before, but today I feel that I have embedded this knowledge at a deeper level.

    So I’m going to take my own counsel today and only attend to what really needs to be done, so I can rest and retreat inside myself a little, so I can tend to my roots.

    I know that doing this will allow for more beautiful flowers and fruits in the future.

  • The amazing effects of wild swimming

    The amazing effects of wild swimming

    I’ve been a swimmer for most of my life.

    I’ve always loved water.

    I started regular swimming as a teen as I never really stopped except for the early years when my children were tiny (I’m an early morning person so I like my swimming first thing, something that was kind of difficult with tiny children. During those years I started running instead but it never made me feel awesome the way swimming does).

    On a typical week I swim 40 lanes of front crawl/drills about 3 times a week in an indoor swimming pool.

    This year for some reason I started getting a yearning for wild swimming here in Cambridge, something I normally only do whilst on holidays in the South of France where it’s warm.

    I developed a kind of fascination with the idea and started asking everybody I knew about wild swimming spots around Cambridge.

    In the running up to the summer this year I promised myself that I would do some wild swimming in Cambridge.

    As I made my intention in my mind, friends started sharing local swimming spots.

    Various places got mentioned, including the Milton Country park, and also the Shelford Recreation ground.

    Then several friends started mentioning the swimming club in Newnham.

    So one gorgeous July morning I went there with a friend and it was a revelation.

    It wasn’t just the river swimming, though this was gorgeous too, it was how peaceful the place was.

    I fell in love with the energy of the place.

    As the summer went on, I started going nearly every day, and it started to feel like I was on holidays, even though I was still working.

    We had many weeks of exceptionally warm weather, and immersing myself in the cool water was a welcome relief at the end of a hot day.

    I took my family there, and introduced a few friends to it too.

    I met lots of lovely fellow wild swimmers. This place seemed to attract like minded people and soon felt like I’d not only found a new hobby, I’d found a whole new bunch of friends too.

    I also noticed was the positive effect it had on my mental health.

    Swimming there just made me feel happier, more balanced, and more content, and able to take things in my stride.

    I read an article about a woman who had managed to stop her depression medication, and chatting to fellow swimmers every single one of them reported similar positive mental effects.

    To put it simply, whenever I went for a swim, I felt like I washed all my shit off, like a mental equivalent to a shower after exercise.

    I started researching the subject online, and found stuff on the effect of swimming on the body, the effect on the immune system etc.

    But to me, it felt much deeper than this.

    It felt cleansing on a spiritual level.

    My theory about it goes like this: we live lifestyles which are very removed from nature. One of the side effects of this is, in particular, a lack of direct contact with the earth.

    This means that we often lack grounding.

    There is some cool science behind grounding. It decreases inflammation, pain, and stress, and improves sleep, energy, wound healing, and blood flow in particular (read this paper)

    It has even been shown to increase vagal tone (the activity of the part of the nervous system that keeps us calm).

    You can read a brilliant review paper here.

    The review paper has a statement that particularly tickled me :

    ” One overlooked element in the human environment— the surface of Planet Earth, including its landmasses and bodies of water—may provide a potent and surprising natural remedy for this challenge and the alarming rise in chronic inflammatory-related diseases.”

    This is how I see it myself : when I feel tired or grumpy, walking barefoot on the grass helps me feel instantly better.

    The more I swam in the river, the more I felt like this was like a full body grounding experience.

    I’m an energy worker, I practise Reiki and other healing modalities. This means that I already have tools to improve my well-being and mood. But since doing the wild swimming I’ve noticed that I can boost my well-being within literally seconds of dunking myself in the water, something that takes me a lot longer using self healing.

    So I swam all summer, which was really easy and pleasurable as we had an exceptionally warm summer this year, and the water was a balmy 23 degrees.

    As the summer turned into Autumn I found myself pre-mourning the end of the river days.

    Except I didn’t stop swimming.

    As I chatted to older members of the swimming club I discovered many go all year round, so I started asking them for tips on how to keep going.

    I joined a Facebook group called Outdoor Swimming Society, and asked for more tips there.

    I invested in a wetsuit, neoprene gloves and socks, and a neoprene hat.

    I dug out my old hot water bottle from the cupboard.

    It’s been fairly easy so far as the weather has mostly been mild.

    I had a break in September after getting a tattoo, then another one during a trip to a warm country (Dubai) in November and worried whether I’d be able to get back in afterwards but it was easier than I thought.

    More importantly, I teamed up with a friend and we promised to go together at least once a week. It really helps me feel more motivated and also feels safer.

    At the moment I average a couple of swims a week.

    The wellbeing effect continues despite the cold temperatures.

    Or maybe it is because of it? There are also publications about the positive effects of cold water swimming on the body. It really does boost your immune system and gives you an endorphin high apparently.

    I can relate.

    It’s not just the swim, it’s the whole experience.

    After the swim, as I sit near the river sipping my steaming tea and clutching my hot water bottle, and either chat with my friend or sit in quiet contemplation looking at the peaceful river (often sharing my snack with a robin), I marvel at how wonderful I feel.

    Last week the water temperature dropped to 5 degrees (this officially qualifies as an ice swim), my friend and I only managed a short dip rather than a swim, so when I went on my own a few days later, I used my wetsuit for the first time, as being alone made me a bit more weary.

    I’m proud to say I went swimming today which is my first December swim in my whole life. The water was back to nearly 10 degrees so I had a proper swim (probably about a hundred meters).

    The club has hard going veterans who swim every day all year round.

    I’m hoping to become one of them.

    I’m really looking forward to the new year swim. Last new year apparently there were over 60 swimmers.

    Update January 2020.

    I didn’t stop swimming and made it through the winter, the following summer, and back again. The coldest swim, in January 2019, was minus seven outside, white with frost and glorious sunshine, and with 1.5 degrees water.

    A couple of days ago I attended my second new year swim. I was really looking forward to it and it didn’t disappoint. I went in wearing only a swimsuit and some neoprene booties and gloves.

    I’ve mellowed into it and it no longer feels weird and scary, to swim in cold water. I don’t mind going alone, in fact sometimes I relish the quiet.

    I’ve met a community of like minded people, both in real life and online. It’s a like a weird group of friends who share the same secret, and within witch it’s considered completely normal. I love it.

     

     

     

     

     

  • The mother blessing -a mother centered alternative to the baby shower

    The mother blessing -a mother centered alternative to the baby shower

     

    Recently I had the privilege to organise a mother blessings for one of our local doulas who was pregnant.

    A mother blessing is an alternative to the “baby shower” were friends of the pregnant mother gather to give her presents.

    The big difference is that in the baby shower, all the presents are for the baby.

    In the mother blessing, it is the mother who is the center of attention, and the gifts are for her, not for her baby.

    It feels very important to me to facilitate such gatherings, because our culture focuses on the mother only has a vessel for the baby, and usually once the baby has been born, nobody focuses on the mother anymore.

    Therefore with the mother blessing we can help start a cultural shift towards a more mother centered culture.

     

    I have written before about what new mothers really need, and how much of a raw deal we get, once our baby has been born, our partner has returned to work, and we’re alone at home all day, trying to make sense of this new experience, whilst trying to understand the needs of this new life helpless being we have given birth to, whose needs come before ours, always. We’re not meant to be doing this without a support network.

    Organising a mother blessing does not have to be complicated. It can be simple yet beautiful and powerful.

    This is what we did for our doula sister:

    We sat in a circle with her.

    We sang to her

    We gave her a bead each to have during her birth and the postnatal period, and we said good wishes as we gave her our bead.

    We threaded the beads into a necklace, to remind her of her circle of sisters being there with her in spirit, holding her, through the birth of her baby and the early postpartum weeks.

     

     

    We bound our wrists, in a circle, with some wool, then cut the thread, tied the individual bits around our wrists, and all agreed to keep our little wool bracelet until her baby was born.

     

    We read poems about motherhood.

     

     

     

     

    We massaged her hands and feet with gorgeous scented oils.

    We gave her a candle and all took away little tealights to light when we would hear the news that her baby was soon to be born.

    We gave her a goody bag of nurturing gifts.

    And of course we shared some yummy food.

     

     

    It was simple, yet magical and powerful. It was, like birth, an everyday extraordinary event.

    She knew this was meaningful, and it was touching and special for her and all those involved.

    We reminded her she could call upon us after the birth of her baby for support and companionship, and we also offered to gather around her to give her a closing the bones ceremony after the birth of her baby.

    This is what Ceci wrote about her mother blessing

     

    ” Today my doula friends gave me a “mother blessing”, which is a day to share before the baby is born, like a baby shower but more focused on  mum, with food to share, poems, songs, made me a necklace with beads and a wish of each one.  They gave me a candle and they also got one each also for when I start labour. We also sat in cicrle, each one told me a few words and we were passing a thread that we all tied up on the wrist and that we will have until my daughter is born. They gave me massages and we laughed a lot! I am super grateful to have them and to have had this day for me”

     

     

    I would like to see the tradition of mother blessings to replace that of baby showers, I sincerely hope that it will help place mothers back were they should never have left, at the centre of the circle of support, with the reverence they deserve for bringing new life into the world.

     

     

  • Slow the f*ck down-how to look after yourself after the birth of your baby

    Slow the f*ck down-how to look after yourself after the birth of your baby

    Looking after new mums recently, I’ve been reminded how the message we get from our culture is seriously wrong.

    This emphasis on “getting back to normal” is bullshit

    There is no “normal” just after you’ve had a baby.

    This isn’t a bloody race.

    Yet everything is geared towards you pretending that nothing has happened, and the most important thing is that you go back as fast as you can towards the pretence that everything is all right. Get dressed in pretty clothes, get your makeup on, get your “shape” back (don’t even get me started on that one).

    All the focus is on the baby-nobody asks the mum how she is doing and how she feels and whether she looks after herself properly.

    All the presents are for the baby.

    It’s all WRONG!

    The baby doesn’t give a fuck about the bloody stuffed bear or the endless bouquets of flowers!

    Yes those flowers sure are pretty but you can’t eat them and there are no good when your fridge is empty and you have to survive on chocolate biscuits (not that there is anything wrong with chocolate biscuits by the way-I believe all new mums deserve them, but you can’t feel well for very long without proper nutritious meals).

    I see new mums not having naps because they have too many visitors interrupting their days. New mums getting themselves overtired because they feel they have to keep going.

    You know what the secret to postpartum recovery is?

    Slow the fuck down!

    sloth with baby

    In a world that glorifies busy, it is a bit of revolutionary concept.

    Did you know that all around the world (this used to include the Western world too-we just have lost the way), new mums don’t lift a finger during the first 40 days after birth? That relatives and friends rally round to cook gorgeous restorative foods? That women just lay in bed with their baby, and that they get massaged every day, complete with cloth wrapping of the abdomen and hips?

    I’m not making it up-EVERY culture I have questioned about this has a form of that going. They haven’t lost their wisdom yet and they know that a woman who has singlehandedly grown and birthed a whole new human being needs to rest and recover from it.

    I hear you saying “but my partner only gets 2 weeks’ paternity leave-how am I supposed to do that?”.

    You need to plan for your recovery BEFORE the birth. Just like you have a birth plan, you need a postnatal recovery plan. I have already written about this here and here.

    In the first 6 weeks postpartum, you need to prioritise good eating and resting over everything else.

    If you can get help in the form of a friendly relative or two (emphasis on friendly here-you really don’t want a bossy and critical mother in law looking after you during that sensitive time), a gang of friends or a doula, great!

    If you can’t, then depending what works for you/what you can afford, plan and batch freeze easily reheated food ahead of time. Have food delivered. Hire a cleaner/ a mother’s helper. Write down your list of daily/weekly chores prior to the birth, sit down with your partner and work out what you can afford to dump or outsource during those first few weeks. Anything and anybody who can help you prioritise eating well and resting over anything else.

    Make sure you plan to have daily naps (that includes not having visitors around the time of said naps). Bring your baby to bed with you if she won’t sleep without you.

    Tell all your friends and a family about your plans.

    Tell them you intend to slow the fuck down and that you deserve it and expect them to support you.

    Shout from the rooftop what you intend to do and what they can do to support you. Someone who delivers a casserole, tidies your kitchen, folds the laundry, and looks after your baby/other kids whilst you have a long shower or a nap-is a lot more valuable to you than one who comes in, expects to be given tea and entertained, and just wants to cuddle your baby instead of looking after you.

    If you work with expectant and new mothers, please please please, spread this message around!

    My hope is that as more and more new mums realise the value of this new way of applying ancient knowledge, it will help shift our culture and more mums will have heard about it and expect it to be normal.

    If you are pregnant and feel drawn to work with me, head over here. If you are a birthworker and this resonates with you- look here.

     

  • Choosing love over fear as a birthworker

    Choosing love over fear as a birthworker

    heart-700141_1920

    As a doula the biggest lesson since I started supporting women has been to choose love over fear.

    I remember very early on in my doula life I witnessed a very traumatic birth -it was traumatic for the parents, and it was extremely traumatic for me. I cried for days afterwards. The mother had an unnecessary instrumental birth and I saw it all happen, and it was very shocking to witness. It was the first time I witnessed obstetric violence (if this term is new to you-it is sadly very real, and you can read about it here).

    And yet in the midst of this – I was upset, I was angry, and I hadn’t slept for 2 nights in a row, so I really wasn’t in an emotionally stable state -I was forced to make a choice between love and fear. The mother had to go to theatre and when I met the parents in the recovery room, a nurse abruptly asked who I was, and stated that there was no space and that I would have to go and wait outside. I remember vividly thinking very fast that I had two choices: challenge her by saying we had been granted the right to be there by the head of midwifery (fear), or try to win her trust (love). I heard my mentor’s voice in my head saying “when there is a midwife you don’t like in the room-try to ask yourself what you like about her”. The nurse was a big African mama -a larger than life character – and I reminded myself that I loved this kind of woman,  and I asked her where she was from, stating that I loved her accent. Curiously, in the middle of all this, my question was really genuine. She looked very surprised, and stated where she was from and saying that people didn’t usually like her accent. I restated that I loved it. She never asked me to leave after that.

    This lesson is still following me 4 years later, as I have bumped into this particular nurse on many occasions since, including last week, and every time we greet each other like old friends. I guess this wouldn’t be the case if I had chosen the fear route. I think the Universe keeps on putting her on my path so I do not forget this lesson.

    I’m not trying to gloat here- because even as I write this, I find it hard to believe that I found the strength to do this.

    But the interesting thing is that, at the time, doing this soothed my anger and upset.

    I think I needed the reminder recently. Sometimes when medical interventions happen during a birth and there is some level of emergency, and the adrenalin is high in the room, sometimes people aren’t gentle or caring and it is really hard to witness and shift out of the fear and stay grounded in love.

    I have had to remind myself that those who perpetuate violence as also victims of a system which discourages connection and kindness.

    Recently  I didn’t quite managed to stay as grounded as I would have liked because things happened too fast. I feel very protective of the mothers I doula, especially during labour and birth, and it is so difficult to be a gentle warrior and not let the anger rise through when they are treated without respect. I think that’s why I bumped into this particular nurse again.

    We have all heard Gandhi’s “be the change you want to be in the world” and Martin Luther King’s ” Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

    This cannot be any truer than in the life of a birthworker

    As birthkeepers, especially in the midst of unkind behaviour, we cannot help those expressing this behaviour by being unkind back.

    hand

     

    I struggle a lot with finding the right balance with this, and I don’t always get it right.

    Some behaviours, like a doctor who attempts to examine a mother without introducing him or herself (this is, sadly quite common-according to a Birthrights survey-it happens about 20% of the time, 26% in London), I try to stop by plastering a big smile on my face, placing myself between the doctor and the mother and introducing her and her partner, then asking the doctor their name.

    It’s not easy when what I really I want to say is “who the fuck do you think you are sticking your fingers inside someone’s vagina without introducing yourself?”.

    But I don’t think it would help the doctor or the mother, or the situation much if I said that.

    So I try to stay grounded, and send positive loving energy around.

    It isn’t easy.

    Becoming a Reiki practitioner has helped highlight this for me.

    Recently at a birth, as I walked out to get some water, I saw a registrar I really dislike because I have seen her doing this not introducing business, and being brusque and callous with clients in the past.

    My client was due to have an obstetric review, and I caught myself thinking “please not her!”. Then I caught myself in that state of fear and shifted it quickly to “if she comes in, please let her be kind and gentle”. Then of course somebody else came in.

    Beside trying to positively affect energy and behaviour in the room, I also have to do some work choosing love over fear for myself. After a birth which ends in lots of interventions that the mother was hoping to avoid, I cannot help but go through some with “what ifs”, and wonder if I could have facilitated a gentler, a better outcome, if only I had done this or that sooner.

    But I am getting much better at it over the years. I catch myself into this narrative and I am able to step back, watch it, and stop it.

    I am also getting better at accepting that I haven’t “failed” by avoiding certain interventions during labour, or preventing unkind caregivers from interacting with her.

    I am slowly accepting that I am not responsible for the behaviour of those who enter her space. I am only responsible for my own behaviour, and how I choose to hold the space, and react to what I witness.

    I am getting better at catching myself going into a fear mode and giving myself a mental kick up the arse to get back into a grounded, loving state.

    I am getting better at returning myself to a peaceful state.

    I still have an enormous amount of work to do- but I am learning.

    If you are pregnant and feel drawn to work with me, head over here. If you are a birthworker and this resonates with you- look here.

  • Have you got impostor syndrome? Here’s how I dealt with mine.

    Have you got impostor syndrome? Here’s how I dealt with mine.

    Do you sometimes suffer from impostor syndrome? Do you worry that you do not know enough, that you haven’t got enough to offer?

    I’ve been reminded this week that we all have different levels of knowledge. That others know more than us and that we know more than others. This doesn’t mean that we do not have much to offer. And there is nothing to be gained by belittling each other’s levels of knowledge.

    I have suffered from impostor syndrome at every career change in my life.

    When I moved from academia to biotech, I suffered from it big time. All I knew was very specific, in depth academic knowledge, and suddenly I felt like a fraud, because my new knowledge was a lot wider and less deep. It took me I think at least a couple of years to shake that. In fact, a similar way to what I wrote in my “head versus hand knowledge” post, it took other people to point it out to me, for me to start acknowledging that what I was doing was worthwhile.

    A friend, who had stayed in the academic sector, expressed awe at the breadth of my knowledge. Another friend drew me this little cartoon he called “the field of knowledge”. It looked like this silly little drawing drawing below : the stick man at the bottom of the pit on the left of the picture is an academic, digging one deep hole. The other little stick men on the pits on the right are digging lots of little, shallower holes, but many more of them. My friend challenged me by saying: “who’s to say that one kind of knowledge is better than the others? Who’s to say that depth is better than breadth?”. This was a light bulb moment and was very grateful to this friend for giving me confidence like this.

    drawing

     

    Whilst still working as a scientist, I embarked on a women in science mentoring programme. At first, I was assigned a mentor, and it was a very useful, life affirming experience. But a couple of years into the programme I was asked to mentor someone myself. My first reaction was to refuse: I wasn’t qualified or experienced enough. But the programme organiser insisted so I took on a mentee, and you know what? I really enjoyed it, and so did the mentee. I think I did a good job, and I learnt a lot from the process.

    Of course I felt the same when I started working an antenatal teacher, slightly less so as a new babywearing consultant, because the profession was brand new at the time in the UK, and quite a lot when I started as a doula, then later on as a workshop facilitator. I was worried somebody would find out I was very green and call me a fraud. Now I look back and I think what a load of crap!

    For starters, knowledge takes many forms – not just the academic kind. Self learning and experience aren’t as acknowledged as academic credential in our culture, and intuitive knowledge is totally dismissed. You can only truly learn your craft by doing it. A bit like when you’ve just got your driving licence, and you find you have to really concentrate at turning the wheel, at using the clutch and looking into the mirrors. When you have had enough practice driving doesn’t feel like a tricky activity at all – in fact you can often drive lost in your thoughts, and not realise that until you have arrived at your destination.

    I have learnt a tremendous amount about myself and others, with an incredible level of depth, since I became a doula. I have learnt many skills, both practical and emotional, again by reading, attending conferences, workshops and study days. I have learnt a lot from my brilliant, supportive mentor when I was a new doula. She helped me trust myself and grow in my own way. But mostly I have learnt how to be a doula by being a doula. By watching women labour and give birth and watching how the hospital system work and drawing lessons from it.

    Since I became a workshop facilitator I have learnt yet another layer of knowledge which makes my serving of women even better. I have also learnt that I will never stop learning. And that every birth is different and not to have any preconceived ideas and expectations.

    Some coming back to the title of this post, there will always be people who know more and people who know less than you. And that’s OK. It doesn’t mean that you don’t have a lot to offer. If the journey of life is like climbing a mountain, there will always people further up and further down the path than you. And as you reach a ridge, catch your breath and reflect on how far you’ve come, you’ll see that the mountain actually carries on.

    So whichever ridge of the mountain you are standing on right now, there are people who can benefit from our knowledge and experience.

    You can help them climb up, and there are others further up who can help you climb up too.

    What matters most is that you help people go up in a way that is right for them, and that you are both honest and humble about your level of knowledge.

    By stepping into who we really are and where we are at, we are both acknowledging our own journey and helping other acknowledge theirs too.