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Tag: pospartum
Why wrapping your hips can support wellbeing and alleviate pain
There is a simple secret I wish everybody knew! Wrapping your hips (and your belly) can help with many common ailments, from pelvic pain to period pain to back pain. Beyond the pain itself it is also very useful practice that you can use in your daily life when you feel the need for support and to help you feel centred/grounded.
I learnt about the practice nearly 10 years ago when I learnt the art of using a Mexican scarf called a Rebozo to support women during birth. Since then I have been using it for myself in many different forms, using rebozos, woven belts and velcro wraps. Ā Iāve been using it during my period, and when I feel the need to be ‘together’ such as when facilitating workshops, or giving closing the bones treatments and healing sessions. I wrote a blog about the use of wrapping in the postnatal period, which includes video tutorials.
In this post, I want to explain why wrapping isnāt only useful after birth. Itās a secret that should be taught to young girls when they reach their first periods, shown to use during the menstrual cycle, taught to every pregnant woman and new mother, and to older women too. Every time I teach this technique, everyone finds it wonderful. They put the rebozo around their hips, and they donāt want to take it off.
My research has shown me that using a belt to keep the womb warm/for protection, is a universal practise. I even found evidence of the practice been a European ritual, via ancient Greece historian Odile Tresch, and recreated by French seamstress Nadege Feuillet.
Why does wrapping helps?
On a physical level, it holds bones, muscles and ligaments in place, which acts as scaffolding and allows your pelvis soft tissues to relax (a bit like putting your feet up after a long day standing up). It provides gentle support to the uterus. Wrapping your hips/pelvis makes you feel more stable and contained. It also provides a source of warmth which is comforting and healing.
On an emotional level it makes you feel held and protected. It also helps to feel more present in oneās body return to the body, which can feel grounding and reduce stress. There is something about being wrapped that feels very primal, think baby in the womb, or baby being swaddled. I believe the calming effect is a mix of being able to feel the contours of oneās body, but also being reminded of the primal sensations of being in our motherās womb.
On a more spiritual level it helps you to feel grounded, returned to your centre, feel less ‘open’ and a gives sense of protection.
When to use it?
During your periods/throughout the menstrual cycle.
I find wrapping my pelvis and/or belly or both during my period a great source of comfort. I crave warmth during that time, and the wrapping provides that. During my period I feel ‘open’ on an energetic level, and the feeling of being ‘closed’ by the wrap feels very good. I like to use one of my rebozos for this, but my favourite by far is using one of womb belts, which were woven on my request based on the design of the Colombian Chumbe belt, share with me by Colombian doula Laura Leongomez. I also like the Belly Blanket from Cherishing everything, which has a little pocket for a hot water bottle sewn in.
During pregnancy
Wrapping can help support the pelvis and provide much needed comfort when pregnant. It can also provide relief when you suffer from PGP (Pelvic Girdle Pain, also previously known as Symphysis Pelvic Dysfunction or SPD). Once, a pregnant woman bought a rebozo from me. The next day she sent me this message:
I had ever heard of rebozo or using the shawls to wrap your hips and thought that anything was worth a try as I am in such horrendous pain. Since using the wrap I have been able to do shopping and walk around without crying in pain, it makes a huge difference, so easy to use, looks pretty and I love that I can use it during labour and after as a sling! Hannah
Just bear in mind that whilst wrapping may provide relief, it will not treat the underlying condition. Seeing a good manual therapist such as an osteopath, a chiropractor or physiotherapist who specializes in pregnancy can do that. The pelvic partnership, a charity which provides support and information about PGP, says
āSupport belts can be helpful to manage symptoms between treatments by keeping your pelvis supported in the correct position and helping to stabilise it. However, if you wear one without first having your pelvic joint alignment checked, it is likely to aggravate your pain. If your joints are not properly aligned, pushing them together with a belt can cause more irritation and pain at the joints. If you experience more pain when you put it on, take it off and contact your manual therapist for advice and treatment. You usually need to remove a belt when you sit down as it can dig into the top of your legs and bump ā belts are most effective when you are walking.ā
There are scenarios where wrapping will be a fantastic support when you cannot access a therapist or whilst waiting to see one. I made this tutorial when a pregnant doula friend missed her osteopath appointment due to attending a birth and couldnāt get out of bed the next morning. With the rebozo in place she was able to manage the discomfort until she got another appointment.
Hereās another testimonialĀ about such a situation:
During my 3rd pregnancy I had PGP from quite early on. By my third trimester I was in quite a lot of pain and I couldn’t get to my usual chiropractor or pregnancy yoga class due to the first lockdown. I asked Sophie and she suggested pelvic wrapping. It really helped me feel supported and less painful. I also found it really helpful to wrap in a warm wheat bag on the painful spot and that really made a big difference. I continued for the first couple of weeks postpartum as well while I was still recovering.Ā Tam West
In the tutorial below I show you a simple way to wrap your hips with a rebozo
PlayPeople have reported the fact that wrapping their pelvis helped with back pain too.
My Womb Belts which are the most effective form of pelvic support, and you can watch a video on how to use them here
During the postpartum
During the postpartum wrapping your pelvis or abdomen after birth will help support instable joints and muscles. I wrote a blog about it called The lost art of postnatal wrapping.
When you feel unwell
The feeling of containment and extra warmth wrapping provides can feel very comforting.
Outdoors when the weather is cold
I’m a year round wild swimmer, and I have found that wrapping my belly post swim in the colder months is a very good way to warm up. The same is true when spending a lot of time outdoors in the cold. When I told my mother about my use of Japanese Haramakis to keep my core warm, she explained that, where I grew up in Brittany, farmers often wore such kidney belts to keep warm when working outdoors. UK brand Nukunuku has a range of Haramakis. These do not provide firm support like a rebozo or belt, but they do keep the core warm.
What can you use to wrap your hips and belly?
Rebozos are perfect for this, providing just the right level of grip and strength. You can find some in my online shop . Other shawls and scarves may work well too, try with what you have at home.
You can use lots of other things too, such as scarves and pashminas that you already have. Fabric belts can work well too. A pregnant friend even used the belt from her dressing gown!
There is also the option to use velcro wraps for the hips. The sacroiliac pelvic belt from Belly Bands, or the Ā Serola sacroiliac belt.
I did an hour long live on Instagram with my wise doula sister Laura Leongomez from Colombia, about the wisdom of hip wrapping. You can watch it on my Instagram IGTV, or on my Youtube channel.
Have you tried wrapping your belly and hips? Did you find it helpful? Iād love to hear from you, just comment below this blog.
If this inspires you and you’d like to find out more, you may want to check myĀ online courses, which include a course about postpartum wrapping, and 2 rebozo courses (one for pregnancy and birth, and one about a postnatal rebozo massage and wrapping ritual).
Why waiting 6 weeks after birth to have a massage makes no sense
There is a belief in Western culture that a new mother needs to wait until 6 weeks post birth before she has a massage. We believe that we have to wait until weāve had our 6 weeks check before we receive any treatment, and most people seem to believe this is true. In fact, there is a belief that it is harmful to have any form of treatment until we have been given the green light by a medical professional.
What puzzles me about this, however, is that, in the UK at least, the 6 weeks ‘check’ with the doctor does not include any kind of physical examination as standard. Itās just a 10 min discussion appointment.
How did we come to believe that we need to wait, and how did it come to be that we also believe that we are given a clean bill of health once that check which isn’t one, has taken place?
As someone who has been immersed in postpartum bodywork for nearly 10 years, and because of the research I did for my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, it is clear to me that it makes no sense to wait, but it is potentially harmful, because it means that new mothers miss out on much needed nurturing and healing when they need it the most, during the immediate postpartum period.
I wanted to know where the idea came from, so I asked massage therapists. From discussions with them it became clear that this is just a belief, and that the restrictions may have come from insurance companies, rather than from medical evidence.
It’s old and outdated advice although I do think it’s helpful for therapists to have knowledge of how to work postnatally if they are going to work soon after birthing. For example, a level new three therapist with no previous experience would likely feel quite out of their depth. Training schools used to teach (and some probably still do) that the first six weeks were contraindicated and we were to wait for the g.p check before going ahead. It’s due to the ‘complimentary’ nature of the service as opposed to being an ‘alternative’ from allopathic medicine. Emma Kenny, massage therapist
It is actually really helpful to massage in the first 6 weeks postnatally as long as you know what you are doing. There are many modifications and it is a potentially dangerous time so you need to know the contraindications too. It is also partly because the mum is still under medical care. Main issues are high risk of infection and of course knowing how to modify after different kinds of birth.Ā Suzanne Yates
āThe Royal Free London used to offer seated massage within hours of giving birth, in your postnatal ward bay. It was an amazing service and one that I took full advantage of after the birth of son (5yo). Sadly I think this is no longer offered.ā Anna
Beyond the massage therapy aspect itself, I also believe that this fear of having anything done prior to medical approval comes from the fact that we have handed over our wisdom to the medical worlds “experts” and that we lack so much trust in our own bodies, that we need for approval of a medical professional to tell us that something is safe.
Why bodywork is important for new mothers
Given the tremendous changes a mother’s body goes through, it is perhaps not surprising that cultures the world around have in common some kind of bodywork to rebalance and restore the new mother. I’m not talking about just any random massage, but a specific kind of bodywork designed to help speed up the healing process and changes that the new mother’s body undergoes after her baby has been born.
When a woman grows and births a baby, her whole body undergoes remarkable transformations. Her uterus grows from the size of a pear to that of a watermelon. Her pelvis tilts forwards, the curves of her spine increase, the muscles and ligaments around her belly stretch and grow. The organs inside her abdominal cavity get pushed up to accommodate her growing baby. During the birth, her uterus, pelvis, pelvic floor and vagina open and stretch to let the baby out. Then, after the baby is born, her body has to undergo all those changes in reverse. These changes also include tremendous hormonal changes, and the beginning of lactation.
With this in mind, it feels extremely illogical to me that we no longer have any process in place to ensure that all the bones, soft tissues and organs have gone back in an optimal position. All new mothers would benefit from some kind of ‘MOT’ post birth from a postpartum manual therapist, because it is easier to prevent or treat problems as they arise, rather than letting them set into a pattern that becomes a lot more difficult to resolve. Traditional postpartum wisdom across the world includes massage, binding and manipulations designed to help speed up this healing process and avoid future problems. Besides the therapeutic effect of specific bodywork, any type of massage is good because loving touch raises feel good hormones like oxytocin.
The lack of bodywork support and the view of the postpartum body in the West.
There is a lack of postpartum bodywork support, and a lack of understanding of what is normal post birth, and of what constitutes acceptable postpartum ailments. Issues like incontinence, diastasis recti, or uterine or bladder prolapse, receive no pre-emptive screening, and very little skilled support. They are often seen as a normal part of newĀ motherhood. This contributes to the lack of support for new mothers. In the UK, new mothers are generally given a leaflet about pelvic floor exercises, which can help some women, however, without knowing if you are doing it right, and connecting it with the breath and the rest of the core abdominal muscles, it doesn’t make much of a difference for many. Without support in place, it can also be difficult for new mothers to find the time do to these exercises. And, as I mentioned at the beginning of this post, the check-up that UK women undergo with their doctors at 6 weeks post birth is a 10 min appointment that includes questions but no whole body physical examination.
When to have postpartum bodywork?
French medical doctor and yoga teacher Dr Bernadette de Gasquet, who specialises in birth preparation and postnatal rehabilitation, explains in her book Mon corps aprĆØs bĆ©bĆ© that the first 6 weeks after birth is a transitional period, when everything is soft and pliable, and that there is the most opportunity to heal from the birth. She recommends a programme of simple exercises to help make use of this unique time. In another book called Le mois d’or she also explains the importance of closing the pelvis, and quotes the dissertation of a French midwife who chose to study the subject. I read the dissertation in question, which is, as far as I’m aware, the only scientific study of postpartum binding that exists. The author, Juliette Danis, used a simple binding around the pelvis, applied the day after the birth (in hospital) for an hour. In a group of 160 women, 64% of women described an improvement in their pelvic and perineal pain, and 79 out of 80 of the women who received the binding said they would recommend it. Danis concludes that the care given to the women after the birth using massages or wrapping has a positive effect both physically and psychically, and that it symbolically helps to redraw the contours of the body.
In every continent, postpartum specific bodywork is (or was) part of the normal care for the new mother. This kind of bodywork often includes massage and binding with a cloth. Each culture has a slightly different approach, but the goal is to restore and “close” the mother after the birth, and help speed up the natural healing process. These massages usually encompass the understanding that there is a physical process that needs to be completed (helping return the body to its non-pregnant state), and an emotional/spiritual aspect too (honouring the birth process and the emotions associated with it, as well as the tremendous changes of identity that the new mother undergoes).
Nearly ten years ago, I learnt a postnatal massage from South America called Closing the bones. The massage includes rocking the pelvis with a rebozo (a traditional Mexican shawl), a series of massage of the abdomen, hips and chest/arms, and finally using the rebozo again to wrap the pelvis, and the rest of the body, tightly. I have been giving this postnatal ritual to hundreds of women, as well as training several hundred people in offering it. More than a massage it is also a ritual that celebrates and honours the new mother, and can be very healing both physically and emotionally (regardless whether the birth was a positive experience or not).
Postpartum massage rituals, such as closing the bones, are usually done during the first 4 to 6 weeks postpartum. These massages help the body heal faster after birth. They are similar around the world, because the needs of new mothers are the same regardless of their culture, something that Rachelle Seliga explains beautifully in this article.
Having massaged many new mothers, some as soon as 24h after the birth, I can personally attest that it makes complete sense not to wait to provide some bodywork. Treating the widened pelvis, the flared ribs, the shrinking uterus, the bowels moving back into their original place, the changes in the breasts as the milk comes in, all the amazing transformative processes that the new mother undergoes within the days and weeks after the birth, as they actually occur, facilitates and speed upĀ healing and recovery.
Obviously, this needs to be adapted depending on the birth (vaginal or cesarean in particular), and the physical condition of the mother. However, it is also a myth that nothing can be done post caesarean, because binding has been shown to have advantages post abdominal surgery. Cambridge osteopath Teddy Brookes, with whom I developed a massage called the postnatal recovery massage, told me how he massaged a new mother 2 weeks post caesarean to help the passing of retained placenta and membranes. This was for someone who had been told she needed to undergo surgery under general anaesthetic to remove the retained products. She passed the membranes the next day, therefore avoiding the surgery. I had myself had similar experiences with several of my clients.
Of course each individual mother is unique and the best time for them to have a treatment in when they are ready. I believe, however, that a blanket restriction on the timing of postnatal massage treatments doesnāt serve new mothers. Each individual case needs to be looked, assessing the level of risks and benefits of treatment to each individual mothers, and adapting the treatment as required. When considering having or giving such a treatment, ask yourself: what are the risks of doing it, versus the risks of not doing it, and use this as the basis of a discussion with the person involved.
How to write a postnatal plan
You may have heard of a birth plan, but have you heard about a postnatal plan?
In our culture we are often focused on the birth, and most of all, on the baby. It is clear from the focus antenatal classes have, there is preparation for the birth, and also preparation for the postpartum, but the postpartum aspect is usually mostly focusing on babycare rather than on the mother’s needs (and I should know about it because I taught antenatal classes for several years). It is also clear from the presents expectant and new parents receive, which are also usually all for the baby.
It didn’t used to be this way. In every culture around the world, there used to be (and still is in many cultures even today), a period of at least a month post birth during which the new mother didn’t lift a finger. The community (usually female relatives), rallied round and took care of her household, so all she had to do was rest, eat nutritious food people prepared for her, receive healing bodywork treatments, and get to know her new baby. Compare this to what we get in the Western world: two weeks paternity leave, and then you’ve on your own.
Because we no longer live in a culture that understands and supports the need for recovery post birth, writing a postnatal plan is a fantastic way to ensure that there is support in place for after the birth, and that you aren’t alone trying to meet your own needs and the intense needs of a newborn baby (as well as running a house, and maybe looking after older children too).
I love this quote by Jojo Hogan, a postnatal doula who created the Slow postpartum movement.
“If birth is like a wedding day (lots of planning, high expectations, being the centre of attention, lasts for about a day or so, get something special at the end), then the postpartum should be like a honeymoon (Equal amounts of planning and investment. Time, space and privacy to relax, bond and fall in love. Lots of people and services around to care for and look after you and a peaceful and blissful environment where all your needs are met for a few days or weeks).”
As you would plan for your honeymoon, it is well worth putting plans in place for your baby moon, i.e. creating your own postnatal plan. Just like planning for birth, this isn’t about having a rigid plan. The magic isn’t in the finalised plan, or to have a ‘perfect’ plan, it is in the process of exploring options (some of which you may not even know exist) and getting informed so that you can have an experience which is as positive as possible, regardless of what happens.
I use this analogy: you need to find whatās in a buffet, before you decide what youād like to eat (I explain this process in my blog called The buffet curator).
You don’t know how you’ll feel in advance. You don’t know what curveballs life might throw you (for example: your birth might happen sooner or later than you expected, it might unfold differently from what you had hoped, you might need to stay for a while in the hospital, your baby might need to stay for a while in the hospital etc).
So just like for birth, it’s worth having thought about all the options, so that, regardless of how your birth unfolds, and how your baby comes into the world, and how you end up feeling once you’re home with your baby, you have at least some form of support in place.
You may encounter people who dismiss your idea. “You can’t plan birth ” is a common phrase used to dismiss birth plans. Because a postnatal plan is an even newer concept than a birth plan, you may encounter some dismissiveness or negativity. People might say “what’s this newfangled thing, we didn’t need that in our time” or “you don’t need that” from people who donāt understand the point, because they did not do it themselves. Some of my clients who have written postnatal plan have encountered reactions from relatives who even said “I didn’t have support, I just got on with it”, implying that they suffered, and you should too. Therefore you might need to choose carefully who will be part of your postnatal support team, who to discuss it with, depending whether they are likely to be supportive or dismissive. In the vulnerable tender state of new motherhood, the last thing you need is being criticised for your choices. After all, you just single handed grew and birthed a whole new human, and you should be revered as the goddess that you are.
How to you write a postnatal recovery plan? It’s simple really, because a nurturing postpartum boils down to 4 pillars: Social support, Rest, Food and bodywork.
Here is a list of these topics with prompts, which you can use as basic to start write your postnatal plan.
Rest
- Help with household (chores, cooking, cleaning, other children etc make a list of potential helpers)
- Visitors-list them/how to manage them so they do not interfere with rest/write a “new mother and baby sleeping” note for the door.
- Naps/sleep when the baby sleeps/early nights/sleep with your baby
- Relaxation: techniques and apps
Food
- Batch cook and freeze
- Who can make/bring you some/meal trains
- Deliveries (supermarkets, take away meals, frozen, fresh, meal boxes)
- Nutritious non perishable snacks
- Use a sling so you have your hands available to make yourself something to eat.
Bodywork
- Postnatal massages/closing the bones massage
- Specialist manual therapists such as osteopaths, chiropractors, and physiotherapists
- Wrapping your pelvis/abdomen
- Keeping warm
Social support
- Friends, family, neighbours
- Hired help (doulas, nannies, cleaners…)
- Online support (social media, WhatsApp groups…)
Planning for the unplanned:
You might want to include a part on navigating possible curveballs. For instance if you end up giving birth by caesarean when this wasn’t part of your plan and what your recovery might look like if that’s the case.Ā If you end up having a longer than expected hospital stay after the birth, or if your baby needs to stay in hospital for a while.
There are many ways to create a postnatal plan. You could write one, and you could also make a mindmap or a vision board, of draw something or whatever other modality appeals to you.
You can download a free postnatal recovery plan template as a PDF on my website front page.
If youād like to learn more about this topic, feel free to browse my blog for more posts on this topic. My book, Why postnatal recovery matters has a whole chapter on writing a postnatal recovery plan, and my online course How to prepare for a nurturing postpartum, has a whole module on it.
This coming Tuesday 28th of June I am also running a free Webinar called How to prepare for a nurturing postpartum.
Baby shower? Have a mother blessing instead.
What is a mother blessing?
You probably have heard of a baby shower, but have you heard of mother blessing?Ā It is a celebration and honouring of a womanās transition into motherhood. A mother blessing is a celebration that takes place during pregnancy and which is designed to celebrate and support the mother and her upcoming birth and postpartum period. Contrary to a baby shower, where all the focus and presents are on the baby, a mother blessing places the mother at the centre of the attention and support. It is a gathering, usually of women, coming together to celebrate the expectant mother, to honour her and give her loving attention, good wishes and support for the birth and the postpartum period.
I wrote about this in the past Ā but I want to expand and explain the process a bit more, as I have gained a lot more experience in running these rituals.
What happens during a mother blessing?
There is no prescriptive recipe. It is about having a gathering to celebrate the mother in a way that feels good for her. The most important aspect is that she feels loved and nurtured, and that the event is tailored to her needs. I used to think that mother blessings where always a hippy affair, but I have come to realize that, whilst they are powerful and spiritual in nature, it is not the way they look like that makes them special but rather it is the intention behind it and how people come together to hold it.
Offering mother blessings through the years has taught me a lot. For example I organized one for a mother who is Christian, and she was worried that the event would involve spiritual aspects that would be incompatible with her religion. I reassured her that this wouldnāt be the case and that we would make sure that what happened was in line with her beliefs.
A mother blessing is a gathering a friends and family of the mother. Here are some simple logistical aspects to think about:
- Discuss the gathering with the mother
- Plan the structure of the gathering, with a beginning, middle and end
- Choose a venue and date
- Invite the guests
- Ask people to bring things to share such as reading a poem, or a singing a song, and meaningful gifts for the mother, and something to eat at the end
- Run the event
Here are some of the things I like to do to make a mother blessing special:
Setting up the space
I like to make the space special with colourful fabrics, flowers, candles, and lovely smells and sounds, like a sanctuary. Be guided by what the mother likes and tailor the level of woo accordingly.
Starting the ceremony
I like to have a simple ritual to mark the beginning of the ceremony, such as smudging or ringing a bell. Start the process with a short sharing circle, for example, having everyone introducing themselves saying their name, the name of their mother and maternal grandmother (in my case: I am Sophie, daughter of Michelle and granddaughter of Jacqueline).
If it feels right, singing a short circle song can be lovely too. For example, I like the song The river is flowing.
The ceremony itself
Here are some simple ritual activities to build into the ceremony can involve:
- Ask everyone to bring a bead to give to the mother. As each person presents her bead, they explain why they chose it, and what it represents. The beads get threaded on a string to make a necklace that the mother can wear or use like prayer beads during labour or the postpartum to remind herself of the circle of support around her.
- Pass some wool or string around the circle and have everyone wrap it a couple of times around one of their wrists. Once everyone is bound by the thread, pass scissors around to cut it and have everyone knot the thread around their wrist or ankle and keep it until the baby has been born.
- Gift a small candle (like a tealight) to everyone, and a bigger one to the mother. When the mother goes into labour, people will be notified (for example in a WhatsApp group) to light their candle and send love and good wishes for the birth.
- Have guests read texts, poems or sing songs (some lovely examples here)
- Do something nurturing for the mother, for example massaging her hands or feet.
- Have people bring or pledge some gifts for the mother for the postpartum. For example vouchers for postnatal massage or closing the bones ceremony, postnatal doula vouchers, food delivery, feel good products like postnatal herbal baths or massage oils, promise to come and clean her house/hold her baby whilst she sleeps etc.
- Have a final sharing circle at the end.
Finally, have some informal time afterwards to share food, some tea and cake (a groaning cake would be lovely) or a potluck meal. It is always lovely to have some informal chatting and eating time after the ceremony.
What are the advantages of having a mother blessing?
The main point of the mother blessing, besides making the mother feel loved and cherished, is to redirect the focus of the support towards the mother rather than the baby. Encouraging the mother to write a postnatal recovery plan, and/or using said plan to ask friends to provide pledges for the postartum is a good way to think ahead about what the mother might need after the birth (you can use my free postnatal recovery plan download as a template for this).
Beyond the mother herself I have found such ceremonies deeply moving for the facilitator and for all the people involved in the gathering. Western societies lack rituals to celebrate life transitions, and bringing this back into our culture is very powerful and meaningful. People often say that they had never taken part in something like this and how much they loved it, and wish they had one themselves.
I especially love to bring the whole process full circle, by bringing back the same group of people to honour the new mother a few weeks after the birth in a closing the bones ceremony.
In 2020 I have also participated in mother blessings over zoom. The process was the same e xcept that we sent cardsĀ and beads by post ahead of time. It was still very special and meaningful.
I am offering an online course on how to run mother blessings.
Here is a short video showing snippet of mother blessings and workshop I have run in the past
Play(The Henna tattoo belly painting on the main picture, was designed by Jo Rogers as part of a mother blessing)
How baby books ‘experts’ harm new parents
I hate so-called ‘baby experts’ who promise that your baby will be happy and super easy to look after if you follow their rigid ‘schedule’. Gina Ford is the most famous one in the UK, but there are plenty of similar ones all over the world. Many of these so-called ‘experts’ are just self professed experts cashing in on new parents worries.
The reason I dislike them so much is because I’ve seen so many new parents lose confidence in their parenting skills because they couldn’t get their baby do what the book said. For many new parents, these books are actually harmful.
Having a baby is like having a new guest in your house. You need to get to know them, their likes and dislikes, so you can make their stay as comfortable as possible.
Imagine for a second that you had never had an adult guest in your house. Because you didn’t know what to do, you bought a book on the topic. Imagine that the book suggested a really rigid schedule such as the one below :
- Wake your guest up at 7am exactly every morningĀ (what if they aren’t a morning person?)
- Serve them a full English breakfast with bacon, eggs and beans at 7h15 exactly (what if they are vegetarian, or if they need a bit more time after waking up before they feel hungry. Or would prefer a slice of toast. Or prefer to get washed and dressed before breakfast, etc)
- After breakfast take them immediately to the bathroom for a shower
- Then play a game of monopoly with them for 23 minutes exactly
- Take them out for a 20 min walk
- Give them a snack of a banana and biscuit at 10h30 exactly
- Take them to a darkened bedroom and insist they lay down for Ā a nap
- Wake them up at 12h exactly even if they are deeply asleep
Do you think your guest would feel good? Do you think you would feel good? What are the odds that you would both enjoy the experience? How would you get to know each other? It sounds pretty ridiculous doesn’t it? And yet this is similar to what is advocated in many baby books.
Professor Amy Brown published a great piece of research that shows that reading books that recommend strict routines for babies is associated with poor mental health.
“New research from academics in theĀ Department of Public Health, Policy and Social SciencesĀ has explored the link between parenting books that encourage parents to try and put their babies into strict sleeping and feeding routines and maternal wellbeing.Ā The study found that the more mothers read these books, the more likely they were to have symptoms of depression, low self-efficacy and not feel confident as a parent.”
I am glad this research is now here to prove what I have witnessed for years. I tell new parents to read as many books as they like, but to check in whether they feel right, and only follows the suggestions if they fit with their instincts and their family routine. I also tell parents to check the credentials on the author. Often the authors come from a nanny background. Nannies are hired to look after babies by parents who do not look after their babies themselves. Nannies do not have the bond and emotional connection that a parent has with their baby, and it is a very different story for someone who looks after their baby themselves. The authors of these books may have experience in nannying, but seldom have a scientific background, or solid evidence to backup their claims, which are often just personal opinions which fly in the face of evidence. And finally, and maybe more importantly, they do not know you or your baby.
And I have seen many times exactly what the study says: new parents who buy those books promising that if you follow their rigid, strict routines, you’ll be rewarded with an easy going, predictable baby, but only end up feeling more inadequate when they cannot make their babies fit into what the books prescribe.
Dr Brown’s research states that:
“Many of these books suggest goals that go against the normal developmental needs of babies. They suggest stretched out feeding routines, not picking up your baby as soon as they cry and that babies can sleep extended periods at night. But babies need to feed lots because their tummy is tiny and they want to be held close as human babies are vulnerable ā far more so compared to lots of mammals that can walk and feed themselves shortly after birth. Waking up at night is normal too ā after all, many adults wake up at night but babies need a bit more help getting back to sleep.”
This is also what I’ve seen. Whilst routine, as in the normal daily rhythms most of us tend to adopt, can be quite healthy, strict schedules do not fit with normal life. These books often set up abnormal expectations about infant sleeping and feeding patterns. Exhausted new parents try and fail to make their baby fit into the schedule and end up feeling like failures.
How on earth are we supposed, as new parents, to navigate the maze of conflicting advice, and listen to our own voice in the middle of it? This is one of the many reasons why hiring a postnatal doula is invaluable. A doula will often be the only person whose sole interest is to help you listen to yourself and support you in developing your own, unique style of parenting.
As I wrote in this blog before : who else is going to truly listen without an agenda? This is the heart of counselling, or coaching-helping someone listen to the voice within. From childhood onwards we are led to believe that the answers lie outside ourselves-with the ‘experts’ . The parenting world is awash with self proclaimed gurus cashing in on new parents insecurities-people who promise the holy grail of a baby who sleeps through the night, and have rigid quick fixes answers to every problem.
To grow and learn to trust your own instincts and ability to parent, having someone who helps you see your strength, as opposed to insisting that you do things their way, is truly invaluable.
What is postpartum bodywork and why we need it back.
All around the world there are (or used to be) traditional practices to help a new motherās body heal after birth.
Regardless of the continent, these traditions usually include some massage and wrapping rituals, as well as binding the belly and pelvis, and keeping the mother warm.
When you think about the tremendous changes a motherās body undergoes, it makes so much sense! During pregnancy, the uterus grows from the size of a pear to that of a watermelon, the pelvis tilts forward and becomes wider, the ribs open, the spine curves increase, the abdominal organs get pushed up etc. To give birth, the motherās body opens up on a physical and energetic level. After birth, these changes need to happen in reverse, whilst the body also undergoes the beginning of lactation.
It seems crazy that we no longer have processes in place to support these changes, or at the very least, some kind of physical examination to make sure everything has returned to a healthy place. At the 6 weeks doctor “check” in the UK, there is no overall physical examination of the mother.
With no checkup, and no sense of what is normal, we have a perfect storm of issues not being treated. The statistics are very telling: 1 in 3 new mothers experience urinary incontinence at 3 months postpartum and nearly one in 2 still has diastasis recti at 6 months postpartum. Research shows that it takes on average 8-10 years post birth for women to seek help for such issues.
Yet, during the first 4-6 weeks postpartum, when the body is still plastic and resetting itself post birth, there is a unique opportunity for healing.
Traditional massages and rituals, such as closing the bones, understand this need and the window of opportunity, and are designed to ācloseā a new mother physically, emotionally and energetically, after the widening and opening of pregnancy and birth. Because the needs of new mothers are the same regardless of where they are from, it makes sense all cultures have similar processes to support postpartum healing. This article from Innate traditions provides a beautiful overview of the topic.
As no such treatment is available as standard within the health system, it makes sense to seek bodywork and healing from people who can provide it.
What kind of postnatal bodywork can you have?
- Closing the bones massage
- Postnatal recovery massage
- Specialist therapists such as massage therapists, osteopaths, chiropractors, and pelvic physiotherapists (ask for local recommendations)
- Wrapping your belly and hips
When can you have postnatal bodywork?
As soon as possible during the first 6-8 weeks postpartum or as soon as you are ready. In traditional wisdom, there is a window of healing opportunity and plasticity during this time when the body is designed to heal faster. The strange ādonāt do anything before youāve had your 6 weeks checkā isnāt based on any evidence. Moreover, it makes no sense because the 6 weeks check doesnāt include a physical examination. Having massaged many new mothers, some as soon as 24h post birth, I can attest that this is when the bodywork is the most effective to speed up healing.
What can you do for yourself?
- Use the 4 pillars of postnatal recovery (Social support, rest, food and bodywork) to write a postnatal recovery plan (you can download a free template here) to include bodywork. You can ask for gifts vouchers towards postnatal bodywork.
- Wrap your belly and hips. I wrote a blog about it which includes tutorials.
- Keep warm (like a convalescent person would: wrap up, and consume warming foods and drinks)
What can you do for new mothers?
- If you know someone who is pregnant or recently had a baby, it would be a wonderful gift to give them a voucher towards such a treatment.
Maslowās Hierarchy of needs for the postpartum
You have probably heard of Abraham Maslowās hierarchy of needs pyramid ( if you havenāt here is a good introduction article)
Maslow was a psychologist who introduced the concept of the hierarchy of human needs as something that underpins motivation. This hierarchy suggests that people are motivated to fulfill basic needs before moving on to other, more advanced needs.
Iād like to introduce you to a version of Maslowās hierarchy of needs adapted to the postpartum.
Maslowās theory dates back from 1943 and since it has been criticized to say that the needs depicted donāt necessarily come into an order as simple as this pyramid, and that they can be in any order. I personally feel that the needs described here are basic needs for any human to thrive, and even more important for a new mother during the first weeks post birth, whilst she learns to mother her infant and find her feet as a new mother.
I like this model because it is well known within the Western world, and because it can be helpful to help supporters visualise what the needs of a new mothers are, and see how these needs arenāt usually met in the modern world. With this model in mind itās easy to see why a new mother needs to be at the centre of a circle of support to be able to thrive.
Survive
The most basic needs, the surviving needs of a new mother are the physiological needs for sleep, food, water, and warmth. Iāve also added bodywork because for me it is fundamental to help a new mother recover and heal faster. Postpartum bodywork used to be (or still is in many parts of the world) given as standard in every culture around the world. When you imagine trying to meet all these needs whilst caring for a new baby, it is easy to see it is almost impossible without support from others. This is why social support is so essential during the postpartum. Another adult in the house to cook, clean, tidy up, and hold the baby whilst the new mother sleep is a basic need, and not a luxury.
Live
Feeling safe as a new mother only comes when there are enough resources, and enough support around so that her wellbeing and health doesnāt suffer. The need for safety is also met by community support, because it helps the new mother to regulate her emotions. Experienced mothers around her make a huge difference in terms of meeting the challenges of new motherhood.
Love
The sense of belonging that comes from having loving relationships is much easier to meet when it is provided by friends, family and the community rather than just the partner as it tends to be in the Western world. Showering a new mother with loving attention and nurture goes a long way into helping her to recover after the pregnancy and birth.
Esteem
Nurturing supporters make sure that they point out all the things that the new mother is doing right, rather than showering her with conflicting advice that undermines her flailing sense of competence
Sense of self
With all the bottom layers needs being met, the new mother can develop a healthy and strong sense of self in her new identity as a mother.
When you look at this pyramid, it is easy to see that, in our modern culture, the most basic survival needs arenāt usually met, let alone the more complex needs in the upper part of the pyramid.
If you know someone who is pregnant or who has recently given birth, I invite you to use this hierarchy of needs for the postpartum as a blueprint to offer them nurturing support.
You already know what is right for you (how to access your own wisdom)
What if I told you that you always know what is right for you?
What if I told you that you do not need to outsource your wisdom, defer to other people, seek answers from outside sources, and that the answers, the real, true, optimal ones for you as a unique being, are already inside of you?
In my previous blog, I explained that you are the expert is what is right for you and I want to expand on the topic and go further, as well as present ways you can access your inner wisdom.
I believe that we are all born with inner wisdom and knowing and that we can originally access it easily. Babies and small children know what feels good and what doesnāt. They trust their inner compass. They express their bliss and displeasure loudly. It is very plain for all to see: when they are happy, their whole body is happy. When they are sad you can see it too.
But then, because we live in a society that expects us to obey and do as we are told, and because this is present at every level, whether it is parenting, education, or the corporate world, we slowly learn to ignore our inner knowing and trusts that authority figures know best whatās right for us. To be seen as lovable, acceptable, we slowly learn to fit within the constraints of what is seen as acceptable in our society. We learn to ignore what feels right, in favour of what is seen as right.
It can be hard to unlayer the learning of distrust of oneās instinct and to start accessing the inner voice inside. This is especially true when we enter an experience that is outside of our field of knowledge. And this is particularly true of the experience of pregnancy, birth and parenting. I see it a lot in my work as a doula. I see highly educated, intelligent individuals, who find it really hard to trust their instincts in the face of pressure from coercive maternity care policies.
The same is true when we become parents, and it can be tempting to choose to believe the opinion of so-called āexpertsā in parenting, rather than following oneās inner guidance. I wrote about this in my blog Why baby books and āexpertsā can really harm you after you have a baby . It is true for most new experiences in life, most choices, and most life transitions.
I see this being highlighted more than ever since the 2020 pandemic. There are so many conflicting pieces of information. Experts disagreeing with each other. Public health policies that treat people as a single entity and fail to take into account unique individual circumstances. Forever changing goalposts. Not knowing who and what to believe.
I am not saying that it isnāt worth consulting people who know more than you do about an area. But as I explained in my previous blog, they cannot make the decision for you, because they arenāt the ones who are going to live with the consequences of your decisions.
In navigating the perinatal period, and life changes, and for most of us in the current climate, learning to listen to our inner knowing can be a game changer, and bring out a sense of confidence and peace.
But how do you start to unlayer the belief that the answers always lie outside of yourself? How do you start listening to your inner voice if you have always let the opinion of others guide you?
There are many different ways to start accessing your inner wisdom. None of them is necessarily ārightā or more powerful than the other. They are simply tools. The most important aspect is that you use one that works for you.
I have been on a massive journey myself to debunk what I thought I had to do. For example I use to believe I was shit at meditation because I thought you had to sit on a cushion in the lotus position, stare at a candle, and think of nothing. This cool little animated video went a long way in helping to undo this.Ā It is surprising simple. All you need to do is have the intention to do so, and then start applying ways of accessing your own wisdom that work for you.
Here are some ideas to try to get you started. Remember, that, as with any new skills, the more you practice the better you become. After all, if you were going to run a marathon you wouldnāt expect to do it without training. Start small. Start with the method you feel most excited about.
Set an intention
- The simplest way to access your inner wisdom is simply to set an intention to receive the guidance and see what happens.
Meditation
- If trying meditation appeals to you, there are many apps, such as headspace (and plenty of others, some of which are free) around to guide you through the process in tiny, incremental steps. It doesnāt have to be a commitment to have 20 min a day, it could be as little as 5 min and still make a difference.
- Checkout the one moment meditation video. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F6eFFCi12v8
Mouvement
- Meditation does not even have to be a still process. One can meditate whilst walking, dancing, or other movement activities too. I am a fan of 5rhythms dancing (https://www.5rhythms.com/) and other conscious movement practices,These practises work much better for me than sitting still. I include my wild river swimming in my meditative practices.
- When you feel stuck, try moving gently, or going for a walk. Bonus if you can get in nature, as it is extra grounding.
Grounding
- Walking barefoot on the grass/ground is a super fast way to discharge stress and ground yourself. From a place of grounding it’s easier to access one’s inner voice.
- Being in nature is generally grounding. I swim in the local river all year round and it is one of my favourite ways to de-stress and meditate.
Breathing
- As with meditation, simply paying attention to your breath can help your mind quieten enough to hear the inner voice inside. Again there are many techniques available, but you already know how to breathe (after all youāve been doing it all your life), and simply paying attention to your outbreath, and slowing it down slightly is all you need. Some meditation apps include breathing relaxation.
Heart centering
- This is a quick and simple way to gain a more heart centered state. Breathe gently for a couple of minutes, then imagine that you are breathing in and out through the centre of your chest.
- You can also try the HeartMath institute heart coherence techniqueĀ .
Journaling
- Some people find their inner voice communicate best with them via writing. Again it doesnāt have to be complicated. All you need is a notebook and a pen, and a commitment to start with free writing 5 min a day. One thing that can help is simply to state in your mind before you write āwhat does my inner voice/soul (or whatever other word resonates most with you) want to tell me todayā.
Learning to recognise your bodyās response
- Did you know that you can use your body as a pendulum to get an answer to a question? Start by asking a very easy question, for example, do I like (favourite food or drink). Close your eyes and really feel inside your body. Feel your unique bodyās response to the yes inside. Mine is a feeling of energy circulating in a circle around my heart, but yours might be completely different. Then ask yourself the same question for a food or drink you really dislike. Feel the response inside your body. Once you have familiarized yourself with your own response, you can start practicing with every day questions. The more you practice the easier it becomes.
Drumming
- I cannot resist mentioning drumming because I love it. It is one of my preferred forms of meditation. You do not need to be musically trained. Research shows that drumming to a simple, repetitive, heartbeat like rhythms, causes the brain waves to slow down, which helps to get the mind chatter out of the way. I wrote a blog called Drum healing, bullshit? about my self-taught drumming journey. Over the last year I have drummed twice weekly in the local nature reserve first thing in the morning. It is the most nourishing spiritual practice for me.
You are the expert in what is right for you
You are the expert when it comes to making decisions in your life.
This is one of the most important points I share with my clients. I think it applies to many things outside of pregnancy and birth too!
It can be tempting to defer decisions to experts such as doctors and scientists, or anyone you perceive as an expert in the field, especially if you are trying to make a decision in a area of knowledge that is new to you.
But the role of the experts is advisory.
They cannot make the decision for you.
This doesnāt mean that the role of the experts isnāt valuable, because they can curate options that suit you when trying to oversee the whole picture might feel overwhelming.
I liken it to choosing dishes in a buffet. The role of the experts is to curate the buffet to your needs (for instance making sure there is no animal products if you are a vegetarian), but they cannot choose the dishes for you. You do.
Not the scientists, not the doctors, not the experts. You are unique with your own unique needs and you get to live with the decisions you make, not the experts. The role of the experts is to lay options in front of you. It doesnāt mean that the a coach isnāt valuable, because they can curate through a lot of options for you, but their job is to lay options in front of you and your job is to choose whatās right for you.
Because they arenāt the ones who are going to live with the consequences of the decision.
You are.
PlayPostpartum support and butterflies: what do they have in common?
In my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, I explain that postnatal recovery boils down to 4 pillars: social support, rest, food and bodywork.
Social support is the foundation on which everything else is built. If you are going to rest, have some great nourishing, food and some bodywork after birth, itās kind of impossible to do this alone. You need other adults around to be supporting you in order to do this.
But postpartum support goes beyond the simple practical aspect of having other pairs of hands to hold the baby, cook you food or give you a massage.
Yes, having another adult in the house means that there is someone to help with house stuff, but most importantly, it means that we arenāt alone. It means that there is someone else to keep us company, listens, and reassure us when we doubt ourselves.
It means, most importantly, that there is someone to hold the space for us.
Holding the space looks like someone is doing nothing, but it might be the most important aspect of all. Heather Plett explains this concept beautifully in her article.
In the episode of the Midwivesās Cauldron podcast I did about postnatal recovery, I tell a story that illustrates this beautifully (you can listen to it here). When my daughter was a baby, she suffered from painful gas at night which left her inconsolable. I became aware that she reacted to certain foods I ate and had to eliminate these from my diet. On a holiday to France when she was 3 months old, I unknowingly ate some food she reacted really badly to, and she woke up in the middle of the night and cried for over an hour. As I got out of her bed to rock and soothe her, my mother heard her cry, and she came to keep me company. She didnāt do much; she just sat with me whilst I rocked my baby. But having another adult there, just being present for me, meant that I felt much stronger and able to support my daughter.
Recently a new mother I supported as a doula told me something similar: she said you have help during the day, but at night, youāre alone and itās so hard. I helped her find a night doula, and it made a world of difference to her wellbeing.
As humans we are a social species, and we kind of intuitively know that we need community support through life transitions. This is why every culture used to have (and many still have) a set of rituals around big life transitions life becoming a parent.
The polyvagal nervous system theory tells her that we need each other to regulate our stress levels, especially at times when we are vulnerable.
Postpartum rituals around the world all have in common a period of about a month during which the new mother is nurtured and looked after, almost like a child, because there is an innate understanding that she needs to be surrounded and supported by experienced adults as she navigates her new role and identity.
Western societies are so focused on productivity that we tend to only plan for practical things. I see a parallel with what people ask me about my doula role. They ask what does a doula do, yet most of my role isnāt easily quantified, because it is more about being than doing.
An analogy often used for the transition to motherhood is that the change from a caterpillar to a butterfly.
If you have ever seen a butterfly emerge from its cocoon, youāll know that as the butterfly first comes out, its wings are crumpled and soft. The butterfly needs to hang upside down from its cocoon or a nearby branch, whilst it waits for the wings to unfold, dry and strengthen. Only then can it take its first flight. If youāve ever witnessed this you may also know that if the butterfly falls before the wings are dried, the wings are usually damaged.
Postpartum support is the same. It is about providing stable ground. One cannot help or speed up the wings unfolding and drying process, but they can be the strong cocoon on which the butterfly hangs whilst they unfurl.
We need to introduce this concept in the postpartum too: that what new mothers need, most of all, are people to hold the space for them, and who trust that they can find their own path, and unfold and spread their wings by themselves, in their own time, once there have become strong enough.
(PS: if youāre a birth geek like me youāll be fascinated like I was to learn that there is a substance called meconium, which sounds quite similar to the human version, which the butterfly pushes through its wings to unfurl them.)