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Sophie Messager

Category: transitions

  • Between Becoming: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Transitions

    Between Becoming: A Guide to Navigating Life’s Transitions

    Change is the only constant in life, yet we’re rarely taught how to move through it with ease. Whether we’re facing career shifts, relationship changes, health challenges, or the natural transitions of the phases of womanhood, these liminal spaces—the in-between times—can feel both terrifying and sacred.

    Navigating Change

    I’m just back from my first ever festival, Buddhafield, where I had a fantastic time attending several transformative rituals and workshops. In one of these workshops, a Blue Lotus ritual, the facilitator explained that we’re at the cusp of a new 12-year energetic cycle, which started on July 22nd. She asked us to remember where we were 12 years ago.

    I realised that 12 years ago was when I attended my first birth as a doula and also began my perimenopause journey. This realisation helped me understand why I’ve felt at the cusp of something completely new in my work for the last few weeks.

    What feels even more significant is that I’m now approaching menopause itself. My last period was in October last year, so if I haven’t bled again by this October, I will have truly crossed that bridge—a very significant one.

    Perimenopause has been a deeply uncomfortable and turbulent rite of passage for me, much more so than motherhood. It’s been a time of deep unlayering, healing, and questioning. Two quotes have particularly resonated with me during this time:

    “At menarche a girl meets her power, through menstruation she practices her power, at menopause she becomes her power.” — First Nations American saying, shared by Jane Hardwicke Collings

    “Midlife: when the Universe grabs your shoulders and tells you ‘I’m not f-ing around, use the gifts you were given.’” — BrenĂ© Brown

    I have a new book about how drumming supports women’s wellbeing coming out in September, with launch events and new offerings planned for autumn. I’m also having a new website built to reflect my change of direction. I can feel the energy of something new coming—it feels very powerful—but I don’t yet know exactly what shape or form this will take. For someone used to having control, this uncertainty is difficult. There’s also the added stress of reduced income during this transition.

    I’m still in the limbo phase, before something else is born. Much like when I was a first-time mother waiting for labour to start (my first child was born two weeks after the “due date”), or as a doula waiting for clients to go into labor, I oscillate between moments of peaceful, quiet acceptance and deep frustration and impatience. If I’m totally honest, there are more challenging days than peaceful ones.

    How We Navigate Periods of Accelerated Change

    So how do we move through times when we don’t know where life is taking us? When everything feels uncertain and we’re suspended between what was and what’s coming?

    One crucial aspect is remembering that when we feel dysregulated and stressed, we tend to scramble, grasp, react, and seek knee-jerk solutions. This happens because when we enter fight-or-flight mode, we lose access to the part of our brain that does rational thinking. In survival mode, we’re run by the ancient, more primitive parts of our brain.

    I keep having to remind myself of this. Re-regulation is key. I need to notice when I’m dysregulated or panicking about things.

    For me—and I’m sure this is true for many of you—experiencing mental chatter is usually a clear sign that I’m dysregulated.

    The key to navigating these periods of change is to create moments of peace in your day, to prioritise this, so you can stay present and grounded.

    The Traffic Light System for Self-Awareness

    The simplest way to understand and practice noticing your state is to think of it like a traffic light:

    Green is the ideal state: relaxed, present, socially engaged.

    Orange is fight-or-flight: wanting to run away, avoid tasks, getting frustrated/annoyed.

    Red is freeze or collapse: stuck, not wanting to do anything at all.

    The key is noticing when you’re moving into the orange state before you hit red, because it’s easier to shift from orange to green than from red to green.

    Tools for Re-regulation

    I’m a big believer that we are all unique, so what works for me may not work for you. I suggest trying a range of approaches to see what resonates:

    Movement & Body-Based Practices:

    • Go for a walk (even 5 minutes makes a difference)
    • Dance for a few minutes (put on music you love and move)
    • Sway your hips for 5 minutes
    • Stand or walk barefoot on grass/earth for 5 minutes
    • Go for a swim (wild swimming always works for me but this needs more time)

    Grounding & Sensory Practices:

    • Massage or wrap yourself with a scarf (try rebozo self-care techniques)
    • Practice the 5-4-3-2-1 technique: notice 5 things you can see, 4 things you can touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste
    • Diffuse or sniff uplifting or calming essential oils
    • Go outside in nature, even just to a garden or park

    Creative & Meditative Practices:

    • Craft or draw something (even for just 5 minutes)
    • Doodle your feelings: draw a person with thought bubbles and download all your thoughts without censoring
    • Drum or listen to a calming drum track (5 minutes)- or if you want something longer, I have recorded a 20 min drum journey called Birthing something new)
    • Meditate for 5-10 minutes (often easier with guided meditations using free apps like Insight Timer)
    • Set a timer for 3 minutes and write/think/speak a gratitude list

    Other Supportive Practices:

    • Cuddle or play with a pet if you have one
    • Practice the physiological sigh—one of the most effective, fastest techniques to reduce anxiety (3-5 minutes)
    • Smudge yourself and/or your space (I like Palo Santo or Mugwort incense)
    • Take rescue remedy (drops or pastilles)

    Conclusion: Trusting the Process of Becoming

    As I write this, I’m reminded that transformation is rarely linear or comfortable. We live in a culture that prizes certainty, control, and quick fixes, but life’s most deepest changes happen in the messy middle—in the space between who we were and who we’re becoming.

    The ancient wisdom traditions understood something we’ve forgotten: that liminal spaces are sacred containers. They’re where the real work of transformation happens. Like a caterpillar dissolving in the chrysalis before emerging as a butterfly, we too must sometimes completely let go of our old forms before our new selves can emerge.

    Maybe the goal isn’t to eliminate the discomfort of not knowing, but to learn to be more comfortable with discomfort itself. To trust that even when we can’t see the path ahead, we can take the next right step. To remember that periods of transition, however challenging, are often the precursors to our greatest growth and most authentic expressions of who we’re meant to be.

    The practices I’ve shared aren’t magic bullets—they’re tools for staying present with ourselves through the storm. They help us remember that even in uncertainty, we have the capacity to regulate our nervous systems, to find moments of peace and joy, and to trust the process of our own becoming.

    As the First Nations saying reminds us, this isn’t about losing our power—it’s about finally, fully stepping into it.

    Walking the Path Together

    If this has resonated with you, if you recognise yourself in the space between what was and what’s coming, I’d love to hear from you! Please comment below.

    Please also know that you don’t have to navigate this journey alone.

    Through my mentoring work, I support women who are moving through their own deep transitions—whether that’s perimenopause, career changes, relationship shifts, or the spiritual awakening that accompanies midlife. Having walked this path myself, I understand both the challenges and the gifts that these liminal spaces can offer.

    My approach combines practical nervous system regulation tools (like those shared above) with explorations of what wants to emerge through you during this time of change. Together, we create a safe container for you to explore your own becoming, to trust your inner wisdom, and to step more fully into your power.

    If you’re curious about working together, I’d love to hear from you. Sometimes the most transformative journeys begin with a simple conversation about where you are and where your soul is calling you to go.

  • The wisdom messenger podcast: Menopause consciousness with Kate Codrington

    The wisdom messenger podcast: Menopause consciousness with Kate Codrington

    In this episode, I interview Kate Codrington and we discuss the changes of consciousness during menopause.

    Kate is a mentor, author, speaker, and artist with 30+ years as a therapist. Her book Second Spring: The Self-Care Guide to Menopause was named among NYT’s top seven menopause books. She mentors those in perimenopause individually and in groups, guides nature-based Yoga Nidra, hosts “Life – An Inside Job” podcast, and creates textile art.

    We explore the natural inward journey that often conflicts with society’s expectations, Kate’s seasonal framework for understanding our life changes, and practical wisdom for navigating this transformative time.

    Kate shares profound insights about the transformative journey of perimenopause and menopause. She explores how these transitions fundamentally shift women’s consciousness, creating a natural turning inward that often conflicts with societal expectations. She discusses the psychological and emotional aspects of this life stage, emphasising the importance of self-awareness, connection with the earth, and building supportive communities. Kate also offers practical guidance for navigating this transition, including how to approach HRT decisions and embrace both the challenges and wisdom that emerge during this time.

    Episode Highlights

    • The Consciousness Shift: Kate explains how perimenopause creates a natural inward focus, making external demands increasingly exhausting and disconnecting.
    • Cultural Context: Discussion of how patriarchal narratives conflict with women’s natural needs during this transition.
    • Seasonal Framework: Kate introduces her seasonal map for understanding different life stages, including the concept of a “second spring” post-menopause.
    • Practical Support: Insights on how women can honour their changing needs while balancing multiple responsibilities.
    • HRT Considerations: Balanced perspective on hormone therapy as one possible tool, with recommendations for mindful implementation and tracking.
    • Post-Menopause Purpose: Exploration of how this life stage often brings stronger connection to earth, community service, and clarified values.

    Quotes from the episode

    “Perimenopause is characterised by a shift towards an internal focus, with the outside world becoming unappealing and exhausting. There’s a deep need for space, connection with the earth, and intimacy with oneself.”

    “The post-menopausal stage often brings a stronger connection to the earth and a desire to serve the community. It’s like entering a second spring with renewed purpose and clarity.”

    Listen and/or watch the episode on :

    You can find Kate at

     

     

  • Spring Equinox: Connecting with Dandelion Wisdom

    Spring Equinox: Connecting with Dandelion Wisdom

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    The spring equinox marks that perfect moment of balance when day and night stand equal, inviting us to pause and reflect on balance, and opposing forces in our lives. This weekend, I’ll be leading an equinox ceremony for my local community, centred around the wisdom of plants native to our land – this time, the humble dandelion.

    Why Local Plants?

    I’ve chosen to work with local plants for our ceremony because they carry the specific medicine and wisdom needed for those living on this land. There’s a beautiful reciprocity in honouring the plants that grow naturally in our immediate environment – they’ve adapted to our specific soil, climate, and conditions, just as we have. Working with local plants connects us to the wisdom of the land in a way that imported or exotic plants/herbs simply cannot.

    The plants growing around us are offering their gifts freely. By acknowledging and working with them, we deepen our relationship with the land we inhabit and strengthen our sense of belonging to place.

    Dandelion: The Perfect Equinox Teacher

    Dandelion embodies the balance of equinox energy perfectly. With its surprisingly deep roots reaching into the earth and its golden flower mirroring the sun above, it demonstrates the harmony between below and above, darkness and light.

    During winter, dandelions store their energy in their roots, sending their life force deep into the earth. As spring arrives, this energy begins to flow upward, creating the perfect balance between grounding and outwards expansion.

    Dandelion’s Healing Properties

    This common weed is anything but ordinary. Dandelions offer remarkable healing properties:

    • Roots: Rich in inulin, dandelion roots support liver function, aid digestion, and help clear toxins from the body – perfect for spring cleansing after winter’s heaviness.
    • Leaves: High in vitamins A, C, and K, potassium, calcium, and iron, the leaves act as a gentle diuretic (in my native France, they are called pissenlit, which literally translates as “pee in the bed”, because its diuretic properties) helping to reduce water retention while replenishing potassium.
    • Flowers: Contain antioxidants and anti-inflammatory compounds that support immune function and skin health.

    Dandelion reminds us that what appears ordinary often holds extraordinary gifts – we need only the wisdom to recognise them.

    Dandelion Meditation

    As part of our ceremony, I’ll be guiding a special meditation that invites participants to embody dandelion energy, feeling the balance between the grounding force of roots and the radiant expression of the golden bloom. This practice helps us recognize how we can draw upon winter’s stored wisdom while simultaneously opening to spring’s expansive potential. All you need to do is set about 5 min to sit or lie quietly and listen to it. You may want to have a notebook ready if any wisdom rises as you listen to the meditation.

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    Dandelion Tea Ceremony

    During my community’s sharing circle, as well as the meditation, I will share dandelion tea. A tea made from all parts of this remarkable plant – dried and roasted root, fresh leaves, and flowers – symbolising the integration of our whole selves at this balanced time of the year.

    Spring Equinox Dandelion Tea

    Ingredients:

    • 1 tablespoon roasted of dandelion root (earthy, slightly bitter). You can make your own, or buy this online or in heath food shops.
    • 1 handful of fresh dandelion leaves (green, slightly tangy)
    • 1 handful of dandelion flowers (sweet, delicate)
    • Honey or lemon to taste
    • 4 cups water

    Instructions:

    1. Gather dandelion parts from pesticide-free areas
    2. To roast roots: Clean thoroughly, chop, and dry in a low oven (120 degrees C) until dark and fragrant
    3. Bring water to boil in a pot
    4. Add roasted dandelion root, reduce heat, and simmer for 10-15 minutes
    5. Remove from heat and add leaves and flowers
    6. Cover and steep for 5-10 minutes
    7. Strain and serve with honey or lemon if desired

    This tea supports gentle spring detoxification while nourishing the body with minerals and vitamins – the perfect balance of cleansing and nourishing energies that mirror the equinox itself.

    Honouring Life’s Thresholds

    As someone who guides women through life’s major transitions, I find particular resonance in these seasonal threshold moments. The equinox teaches us that balance isn’t static – it’s a dynamic dance between opposing forces, a momentary alignment that reminds us of our place in the cycles of nature.

    By connecting with dandelion wisdom at this equinox, we learn to honour both our depths and our radiant outward expression, our roots and our blooms, our past wisdom and future potential.

    May this equinox bring you perfect balance between all aspects of your being.

    If you’d like to join future seasonal ceremonies, please reach out. I offer both community circles and individual mentoring for those navigating life’s significant thresholds.

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  • Finding Calm Within When Everything Feels Too Much: A Story of Hope and Transformation

    Finding Calm Within When Everything Feels Too Much: A Story of Hope and Transformation

    Two years ago, my overwhelm was at its peak. The combination of mothering an autistic teen struggling with severe anxiety perimenopause and undiagnosed ADHD was a killer. The nights were worse. I’d jolt awake at 3am, my mind instantly spinning into an endless loop of anxiety about all the things I wasn’t doing.

     

    In those dark hours, everything felt impossible. The list would spiral: work stuff I needed to do, emails I hadn’t answered, family needs I wasn’t meeting, paperwork deadlines, self-care I was neglecting. Each thought would feed the next, creating an exhausting cycle that left me lying there, heart racing, unable to get back to sleep.

     

    In the morning, overwhelm would crash over me within 5 minutes of getting up. I was so dysregulated, I could not organise tasks in my head, I’d start one then the other, not finishing any, and get more and more stressed. The weight of responsibilities – running my business, being present for my family – felt crushing. Even as someone who taught others about wellbeing, I struggled to find peace in my own life.

     

    The shift began when I realised I needed to fundamentally change my relationship with time and space, and learn to recreate calm within my nervous system. Instead of pushing harder, I started creating intentional pauses in my day. I learned to listen to my body, to notice when I was dysregulated, and do small things to bring peace back. Most importantly, I began putting my own wellbeing first – no longer treating self-care as a reward for getting everything else done.

     

    Most importantly, I started unlayering the weight of society’s expectations on myself, the false belief that my productivity was my worth. I started challenging the voice inside my head that berated me to work harder.

     

    Nature became my sanctuary. Whether wild swimming in cold rivers or simply walking in nature, I discovered that spending time outdoors helped regulate my nervous system in ways no amount of ‘productivity hacks’ ever could.

     

    Finding a supportive community of women who understood this journey was crucial. Together, we created spaces to share about our struggles and celebrate the good things in our lives. These connections reminded me I wasn’t alone and showed me different ways of being.

     

    I experimented with a lot of things, some that worked (microdosing, drumming, a temporary use of HRT, and working with a therapist who is also a shaman) and some that did not (lots of quick fix tools that made things worse, antidepressants, talking therapy). I unlayered so much, including fundamental beliefs about myself. In the end I came to realise that the only way to provide lasting change is to get to the root of the cause of overwhelm, which is complex and multifaceted.

     

    Now, my nights, mornings and days feel completely different. Yes, there’s still plenty to do, but the new spaciousness I’ve created inside myself means that, even in the midst of a full life, I no longer feel overwhelmed. Those 3am anxiety spirals have gone, and I have many tools that actually work to calm my nervous system.

     

    I want to share about my journey and what I’ve learnt along the way. I want to help other women take steps towards bringing more spaciousness and calm into their lives. I want to do this because, if we are going to create a better world, we simply cannot do it alone, nor from a place of dysregulation. Dysregulation keeps us in a state of firefighting, one from which we cannot access our own wisdom nor affect change.

     

    I am launching a 6 month group program for overwhelmed women called The Calm Within Community, and I am going to be sharing the essence of this in a free masterclass this week.

     

    If this resonates with you, join me for my free masterclass, Overwhelm to Calm, on Wednesday the 6th of November at 8pm London time. I’ll share what I’ve learned about moving from overwhelm to calm, blending neuroscience with ancient wisdom to find a gentler way of being.

     

    Because to change the world, you need to feel peace, not just teach it to others. 

  • Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Shrinking Mountains: Practical Tools to Transform Overwhelm

    Every time I take a break from my routine, whether it’s a holiday or just some time off, I always struggle a bit to switch back into work mode. After a period of relaxation, it can feel challenging to return to the many tasks that come with running a small business and managing family life. It’s like the weight of both roles—the solopreneur and the “CEO” of my family—hits all at once.

    In the past, this shift often left me feeling grumpy and overwhelmed, but this time I approached it differently and was able to overcome the stress more quickly. Here’s how.

    Many years ago, I embarked on a journey to reduce overwhelm  (read about that here). The biggest two learning points in my de-overwhelming journey and process are as follow:

    • Put the self care in the diary first
    • Decrease the size of the mountain

    1) Put the self care in the diary first.

    I know this is going to sound counterproductive, but it really work. If you try to work harder out of overwhelm, if you wait until you’ve done all the stuff in your to-do list before you allow yourself to relax, to take the time to do the things that make you feel good (in my case, swimming, drumming, and dancing) then you never find the time to do these things. You are not only likely to remain stuck in the overwhelm cycle, but also to make things worse. You cannot create spaciousness from a place of scarcity. If you feel you never have enough time, the way to create more time is to give your mind and body the chance to experience what it feels like to be spacious and relaxed.

    I’ve found that practices such as  reflecting in a journal every time I feel stressed or overwhelmed, putting a timer on for 5 min, simply starting with “what does my soul wants to tell me today”. Or doodling myself as a stick figure and writing speech or thought bubbles works well to, putting a timer on for 5 min and drumming. All of these things help my overwhelm settle down. What comes up, with either of these practises, is usually that when I feel there is too much on my plate, I actually need to slow down instead of trying to flog myself to work harder. Overwhelms is often a sign that you need to slow down.

    When you feel stuck or stressed or overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through the stuckness, which usually doesn’t work, you can choose to do something that involves a bit of movement, and that makes you feel good instead. For me this means a walk in the woods, a swim in the river (I usually tell myself “fuck it I’m going for a swim!”) or a short 5rhythms dancing session (as in, just one short track I love).  This ALWAYS results in the stuck energy moving through and my being able to start seeing the forest for the trees, and starting to be able to get stuff done from a refreshed place.

    Building up your sense of achievement rather than focusing on what you aren’t doing is also important. Another practice that I’ve found transformative is to use a “ta-da” list. At the end of each week I write everything I’ve done that week, self care, family and  work wise. I’m always surprised by how much I have accomplished, even when I’ve felt that this wasn’t a very productive week.

    2) Decrease the size of the mountain.

    Since I started working with authentic business mentor George Kao I’ve learnt the importance of capturing the process whenever I start anything new. This is for three reasons:

    • It helps understand the large numbers of steps and time involved in creating something (see Ta-da list above)
    • It saves time for the future, as you already have all the steps and tasks captured if you want to do it again (for example, creating an online course)
    • But most importantly, it decreases the size of the mountain. It helps to break down the impossible ascent into tiny, do-able steps. It creates a path where there was none before.

    Imagine that you are facing climbing an enormous mountain. Or that you have to carve a track in a deep jungle with a machete. All the tasks, the thoughts about the tasks, they all get jumbled in your head and all you can feel is this enormous, impossible task. You feel exhausted just thinking about it, and you don’t know where to start or even want to start. It feels heavy, overwhelming and scary. Running away feels easier,  or pretending it’s not there. Yet you feel the weight of the “unclimbed mountain” on your shoulders all the time. Sounds familiar?

    This is because you cannot see your way through. You just see the top, or the impossibly far destination. And this keeps you stuck in fight and flight, or freeze mode, because our brains have evolved to be very good at protecting us. A perceived danger is experienced by our nervous systems in the same way as a real one.

    If you decrease the size of the mountain, as in capture all the tasks in small dividable steps, and then decide to maybe only do one, tiny step, as soon as you start to move, it creates a path, and the overwhelm gets resolved almost instantly. The energy starts to move, and you realize that the anxiety about doing the tasks was much bigger than the task itself. In fact, very often as soon as you start taking steps towards doing the task, the anxiety dissolves and you realized that you made a much bigger deal about it than it was.

    I’ve found that when I procrastinate, if I start writing a list of what needs to be done rather than doing the actual task, it feels more doable to write that list than to do the task. And then when I’m ready to tackle the task, the list I’ve written creates a simple path I just need to follow, so I no longer procrastinate about it.

    Here is one of George Kao’s blogs about it, and also a video about it.

    I have had such an incredible journey doing this that I plan to create a course to help others do the same. I am offering one to one mentoring sessions to start with so I can get feedback and experience. Do get in touch if this is something you would be interested in.

    Does this resonate with you? If so I’d love to hear about it.

  • The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    The Midlife Breakthrough: How I Tamed Overwhelm and Found My Calm (And How You Can Too)

    As a midlife holistic practitioner and mother, I’ve spent the last 6-7 years on a transformative journey from constant overwhelm to inner peace. Through my recent research interviews and personal experiences, I’ve uncovered valuable insights into the challenges faced by women struggling with overwhelm. In this blog post, I’ll share my story, the lessons I’ve learned, and practical strategies for regaining balance in our hectic lives.

    The Research: Common Threads of Overwhelm

    Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been carrying out research interviews in order to gather knowledge about what women need when experiencing overwhelm.

    I offered these interviews to prepare for my upcoming group programme to help mid life holistic practitioners who feel they never have enough time to regain a sense of peace inside.

    There have been very interesting themes emerging from these interviews. Some that I expected, like undiagnosed or suspected neurodivergence, perfectionism, unkind judgement of oneself,  trying to “work harder” out of overwhelm, guilt, a deep resistance to rest.  Some have been more surprising, like loneliness., which of course makes sense because we cannot regulate in isolation.

    The overarching theme is one of being unable to see a way forward (not surprising because overwhelm equal nervous system dysregulation, a state in which we have no access to rational thinking and creativity), and trying to “fix” the problem from the outside in (for example buying many “magic diaries” which promise to fix all your problems-except they don’t work and contribute to deeper feelings of inadequacy).

    I decided to offer this program because overcoming overwhelm has been the biggest journey I’ve been on over the last 6 to 7 years. If you want to read examples of how overwhelmed I used to be, read this article. I’m in a different place now, and feel such deep compassion for these women, as they are where I was, and cannot see a way out. I remember this well, because when in this state there is a sense of desperation to try and get out of the state (which leads to searching for helpful quick fixes).

    A Day in the Life: Navigating Unexpected Disruptions

    The last few months I have experienced a sense of deep spaciousness inside I had never experienced before in my life. But I noticed that it’s easy to become complacent and think you’ve sorted all your shit for good. It does not work this way-maintaining this balance, especially with a very sensitive nervous system like mine, requires constant attention. 

    Because I’ve felt so much better, I dropped some of the support practises I’ve given myself. But my body has been reminding me in loud ways that I need to care for it and be gentle, and not ask for too much all the time.

    This morning there was a stark reminder of the fragility of the balance I’ve built. I went for my morning run with my dog, and when I came back I realised that my daughter hadn’t woken up. She gets picked up by a taxi earlier than before the summer because her school has moved to a new location further away. So I had to gently wake her up, and remind her to try and be quick without stressing her, a delicate balancing act. 

    As we were getting washed in the same bathroom, I realised that my son hadn’t gotten up either. Both of my teenage children are autistic and easily dysregulated too. My son was having a hard time getting up so I spent some time listening to him-sharing feelings of burnout, so early in the school year. This took a while, as the best way to help him re-regulate is to just listen. 

    When he finally got up I went to the kitchen, fed the dog and made myself a cup of coffee. By then I realised that the doubly unexpected disruption to my morning routine had resulted in my feeling dysregulated, leading to the tell-tale signs of feeling mild overwhelm as I busied myself in the kitchen. 

    Knowing that both kids were also off centre, I made them smoothies because small acts of kindness like this make them feel cared for and supported. As I finally sat down to drink my coffee, looking forward to a few minutes of quiet, my son came down, and needed me to listen to his feelings of struggle. I made the time and space inside even though I felt that I needed some quiet time myself. 

    Half way through his sharing, there was a commotion in the next room: my daughter had just spilled her drink all over the floor. I had to stop listening to my son, and help her clean up. Unsurprisingly, by the time they’d both left, I felt dysregulated and overwhelmed myself.

    As I sat at my desk a bit later, I noticed the familiar feeling of procrastination-a sure sign of dysregulation for me. So instead of trying to force myself to work like I used to do, I set a 5 min timer and drummed. I ended up drumming for more than 5 min, and whilst doing so, the idea of writing this blog came up.

    Writing helps me understand myself better, it soothes my soul. It has the added advantage of helping others who read my writing too, which is something I love doing.

    PS: as I finish writing this a couple of hours later, my daughter called saying she’s got toothache. The big difference I notice, having re-regulated myself, is that I’m not thrown by this. I got her an emergency appointment and I’m ok with this bigger second unexpected spanner in the works in my schedule…despite the fact that it’s going to be challenging to fit it in between walking the dog and taking her to the autism social group later this afternoon. This is the power of a regulated nervous system.

    Transformative Strategies: Shifting from Overwhelm to Self-Compassion

    • The Pitfalls of “Working Harder” to Overcome Overwhelm:

    Working harder and hoping you’ll give yourself the gift of rest when you have done everything on your to-do list. Not only does this not work, it actually adds to the feeling of overwhelm. Guess what, your to-do list will NEVER be complete. It is not a way to live.

    • Radical Self-Care: The Non-Negotiable First Step

    If you want to experience more spaciousness in your life, you need to actually give your fried nervous system a chance to actually experience spaciousness. So the top tip is to start putting radical self care tasks as the first task on your to-do list, as a non negotiable rule.

    For me this started with taking walks in nature during my “working time”, and eventually progressed to year round wild swimming. The last 3 or 4 years, these self care tasks are always been the first thing in my diary.

    • Recognizing and Addressing Nervous System Dysregulation

    Learn to notice when you are dysregulated. This can be hard because many of us sensitives can struggle with disconnection from what’s happening in our bodies, and if we’ve been living in this state for a long time, it’s hard to notice what not being overwhelmed feels like. Read the 10 signs of a dysregulated nervous system here.

    Every time you notice signs of dysregulation, make it a priority to spend a few minutes re-regulating yourself. I’ve added a list below

    • Reframing Self-Judgment: Cultivating a Kinder Inner Voice

    Notice every time you are judging yourself, about all the things you aren’t doing, especially when feeling low. Practise reframing this into a kinder inner voice. You may want to meditate, journal or doodle on it. This only needs to take a few minutes. Little and often is the key.

    • Celebrating Progress: The Power of the Ta-Da List

    Write a ta-da list each week. My brain used to only focus on what I wasn’t doing, and forgot all the hard work, only reminding me of all the stuff I had not done. Writing such a list (put 5 min on a timer and write all the things you’ve done that week-I do this looking at my diary because I still forget. This has slowly rewired my brain.

    Quick Fixes for a Dysregulated Nervous System:

    They need to be fast because, in my experience, when dysregulated we rarely have the bandwidth, spoons or energy of doing something that takes 20 min.

    • Quick and effective breathing exercise from Huberman lab
      • Try the Physiological sigh: inhale, then take another sharp inhale on top, then exhale slowly. 3 breaths usually start to make a difference
    • Cold Water Exposure
      • Splash cold water or place a cold cloth on your face or neck, take a cold shower, dip into cold water, or an ice bath if available
    • Grounding Techniques
      • Use the 5-4-3-2-1 method: Name 5 things you can see, 4 you can touch, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, and 1 you can taste
      • Put your bare feet for 5 min on the grass or earth
    • Progressive Muscle Relaxation
      • Tense and then relax each muscle group in your body, starting from your toes and moving up to your head
    • Rhythmic Movement
      • Engage in repetitive, rhythmic activities like walking, lifting your heels up and down, rocking, or swaying your hips
    • Humming or Chanting
      • Use deep, low-pitched sounds to stimulate the vagus nerve
    • Sensory Engagement
      • Sniff or diffuse a blend of calming essential oils (I like Neal’s yard meditation. The vetiver in it is known to help ADHD brains focus)
      • Hold and focus on a textured object
    • Quick movement exercises
      • Put in some music you love and dance for a few minutes
      • Yoga poses like child’s pose or forward fold
    • Mindfulness
      • Do a brief body scan meditation, noticing where you hold tension and actively releasing it.

    Conclusion

    The journey from overwhelm to inner peace is not a straight one, but a meandering path, and a continuous practice of self-awareness, compassion, and intentional care. Maintaining balance requires constant attention, especially for those of us with sensitive nervous systems. By prioritising self-care, recognizing signs of dysregulation, and employing quick re-regulation techniques, we can start to create more spaciousness in our lives and rediscover our inner calm.

    Remember, you’re not alone in this struggle. Many midlife women face similar challenges, and there is a way forward. By sharing our experiences and supporting each other, we can support each other to find our path to a more balanced, fulfilling life.

    If you’re interested in hearing more about my upcoming group programme about overcoming overwhelm, send me an email at sophie@sophiemessager.com, to join the mailing list and be the first to know when the program launches around November.

    I’d love to hear your thoughts about this, whether you resonate with my experience, and what helps you.

  • The Art of Mindful Re-entry: How I Mastered the Post-Holiday Work Transition

    The Art of Mindful Re-entry: How I Mastered the Post-Holiday Work Transition

    Have you ever felt that post-holiday dread, where the thought of diving back into work feels overwhelming? For years, I struggled with this transition, but I’ve finally cracked a way to have a smooth, stress-free return. In this article, I share my journey from frantic catch-up to mindful re-entry, and how you can transform your post-holiday experience into a gentle, productive glide back into work life.

    The Importance of Real Breaks

    Monday was my first day at work after spending 3 weeks in the South of France in August. I did not do much work at all on Monday, and very little on Tuesday, only starting to slowly get back into a normal routine by Wednesday and Thursday.This is a process I have been working on for about 3 years. This is the first where I feel that I’m finally truly embracing it. Since I became self-employed 11 years ago I learnt the hard way that giving myself real breaks from work was essential, and that removing pressure upon return was also essential.

    My Holiday Experience

    This year, truly clocking off during my holiday was made easier by the fact that 1) I no longer have on-call doula clients to check up on (Last year I was still supporting a friend through birth-despite no longer officially working at a doula since 2022). 2) I have learnt to create passive income from my online courses (this includes pre-planning for a lower income on holiday months by running promotions on my courses ahead of time), 3) for the first time since I started working for myself in 2013, I have a VA (thanks to my Access to Work grant), and she took care of purchases/clients whilst I was away.

    I had a lovely, slow, relaxing time in France. Lots of leisurely mornings, swimming in lakes and the sea. Longer coffee and pain au chocolat breakfast whilst enjoying a sea view. I caught up with my family. I ate gorgeous food. I read books. I drummed and I wrote songs. I binged watched a Netflix series. I played games. I went out for meals, and to visit new places, including a gorgeous magical natural fountain in the Aude region.

    Slowing down and being led by what my heart and soul want to do is very replenishing. This was doubly meaningful this time, as I had been working hard to meet my new drumming book deadline for several weeks, and handed over the manuscript to the publisher the day before my holiday.

    The Challenge of Returning to Work

    Even though I love my work, I always find the change of pace after coming back from a break, especially one as long as this one, challenging

    In the past, I used to try to get myself back into work mode instantly, and berated myself inwardly when I couldn’t. What used to happen is that I internally flogged myself and not only did this not work, but it added pressure, stress, and a double layer of negative mindset to an already challenging time. 

    My Evolved Approach to Re-entry

    Now, I purposefully plan at least 2 or 3 days of slow re-entry. I plan my return ahead of time, writing a list of everything I’ll need to do when I get back from my break, because I tend to forget. Being clear that nothing intense or extra challenging is taking place immediately when I’m back also helps avoid overwhelm. 

    The first day, all I’m asking myself to do is planning what needs to be done. I remove all pressure. Then I slowly increase the amount of work whilst carefully gauging whether I’m OK doing this amount yet. Instead of berating myself, I have a gentle conversation with myself, reminding myself that taking it slow is the wise way to go about it.

    Because of the way resistance works, as soon as I give myself permission to take things slowly, my nervous system relaxes out of fight and flight, the resistance eases, and poof, as if by magic, I no longer feel the desire to avoid work. It’s like reverse psychology.

    Tips for a Smooth Transition

    I’ve been writing about self-care as a solopreneur for over 8 years, you can read my first article about this here.

    Here’s a collection of other articles about self-care, gentleness and self-kindness I’ve written over the years:

    Key Takeaways:

    • Recognise the importance of real breaks from work, especially for if you are self-employed
    • Plan for lower income during holiday months by creating passive income streams
    • Delegate tasks when possible (e.g., hiring a VA) to truly disconnect during time off
    • Allow yourself a slow, gradual re-entry to work after a vacation
    • Plan your return ahead of time, listing tasks to avoid forgetting important items
    • Start with a day of just planning, removing all pressure to accomplish tasks
    • Slowly increase workload while gauging your readiness and energy levels
    • Replace self-criticism with gentle self-talk and understanding
    • Remember that a mindful, gradual return often leads to better productivity in the long run
    • Continue to refine your re-entry process based on what works best for you

    Conclusion

    Embracing a slow, intentional return to work isn’t just about easing stress—it’s about honouring the restoration you’ve gained from your time off. By giving yourself permission to ease back in gently, you’re likely to find yourself more productive and centred. Remember, it’s not about how quickly you can jump back in, but how wisely you can transition. 

    So the next time you return from a break, try this approach. Your future self will thank you for your kindness and wisdom. 

    What strategies do you use to make your return to work smoother? I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

  • The art of falling apart: my messy mental health journey

    The art of falling apart: my messy mental health journey

    As I work to complete the manuscript of my book on how drumming empowers women, the personal growth I’ve had over the last few years comes into very sharp focus. I want to reflect on my mental health journey, in the hope that it may help others, who are where I was not that long ago, and give them both tools and hope.

    In this deeply personal account, I share my journey through the turbulent waters of midlife, facing challenges that tested me beyond belief, then led to profound personal growth. From navigating perimenopause and family crises to discovering my own neurodiversity, my story is one of transformation, healing, and finding inner peace.

    The perimenopause awakening

    There has been a deep unlayering, caused by a numerous amount of crises in my life, with my youngest child undergoing a mental health crisis which went on for several years. In the middle of it there was also 2020, the covid crisis and its impact on my solo business which used to rely on in person workshops as a main source of income. Along the way my children and myself got diagnosed as neurodivergent.

    This is not a coincidence, but these difficult times happened whilst I was undergoing the perimenopause. So I had to juggle not only my own crisis but one of my children at the same time, so there was no time for me to be and breathe and create space for myself to process what I was going through. As it also happened, my youngest was going through the beginning of her puberty when the crisis started. Brene Brown has a beautiful quote about the midlife unravelling:

    Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unraveling. By definition, you can’t control or manage an unraveling. You can’t cure the midlife unraveling with control any more than the acquisitions, accomplishments, and alpha-parenting of our thirties cured our deep longing for permission to slow down and be imperfect. Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear: I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing—these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt—has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts.

    If you’d like to understand the details of the backstory, I have written about this in more detail in my Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters blog post.

    When I look back, the unlayering started way before this, because I started experiencing symptoms of the menopause when I turned 42, and I’m 54 as I write this. The signs that something needed to change was intense discomfort. Besides the changes in my cycle, the night waking and night sweats, and the irritability, I noticed that I was no longer willing to put up with certain dynamics in my family (namely, my being in charge of everything). The lowering of oestrogen levels that accompanies the perimenopause makes us less willing to put up with shit. Think about the state you’re in during your period, but all the time. It’s not easy for our close ones, but it’s a good thing, because it’s an agent for change.

    In my work I became overworked and overwhelmed, putting intense pressure on myself to be “productive” all of the time. What I did not realise at the time was that the pressure came from within, and that I could not carry on with my unconscious belief that I could only give myself permission to relax if I had done all the tasks on my to-do list, because that time simply never came. Something had to change. In 2018 I worked with a coach who challenged me to spend one hour a week doing something fun just for myself, as priority. This led to my walks in the local nature reserve, and then to my discovering a beautiful swimming club in the river nearby and becoming a year round wild swimmer. I also took a course called Tame your to-do list (add link), and then learnt to prioritise my wellbeing tasks in my diary, something I’m still doing 4 years later.

    The 2020 pandemic crisis turned out to be a blessing in disguise, because the first lockdown things slowed down enough for me to realise that I needed a slower pace of life (something that women often experience as they approach the menopause, some holistic menopause specialists such as Alexandra Pope, in er book Wild Power, even suggest taking a menopause sabbatical. Not being able to teach in person meant that I started offering my teachings as online courses (6 courses and counting), and this created space for me to create more stuff, and most importantly, to keep my business afloat through the lockdowns, and later on, giving me the time to support my daughter when she needed me.

    Weathering the family storm

    When my daughter started struggling with anxiety so severe she could no longer leave the house (she ended up being out of school for 2 years). The combination of covid lockdowns, moving to secondary school and starting puberty as an autistic young girl was just too much (she got diagnosed in 2022). Her emotional distress was very difficult for me to witness, and I kind of knew that the best thing I could do was to learn to stay regulated in the face of her pain, so I could hold the space for her and help her co-regulated. I worked first with Inger Madsden,  an EFT coach who specialises in supporting troubled teens. As the crisis evolved and I realised that I needed a new coach (something I have come to learn is normal for me: my ADHD brain processes things so very quickly that I outgrow teachers very quickly and need new ones), Inger suggested Kanan Tekchandani aka The Aspie Coach. Kanan not only supported me through my family’s crisis, but was the first person to help me realise that I’m both neurodivergent and gifted, as well as hypersensitive. 

    In 2022 when my mental health was as an all time low, due to my youngest mental health crisis, my own overwhelm, and the lack of support from the system, I tried antidepressants, hated it, and started microdosing psilocybin, something I carried on doing for a couple of years. It had a very positive impact on my mental health, because it helped me become aware of very unhelpful thought patterns I was not aware I had, and start healing them.

    After an epic battle with the local mental health system and education authority, I got my daughter into a tiny specialist school which helps kids like her rebuild their skills and confidence.  She is striving there. She went from not being able to leave the house in 2 years to attending a residential school trip within 3 months. Over a year on, I have gotten my child back, watching her blossom into a healthy and happy teen.

    When my daughter got into this school and things finally looked promising, I naively thought I could finally breathe myself. Instead my physical and mental health completely crashed, which I can see now isn’t surprising at all. The day she started at that school instead of feeling elated, I felt battle torn and weary, like I had finally put my sword and armour down after 2 long years. I had crippling anxiety that kept me awake at night and I was so physically exhausted all I could do was walk the dog. My nervous system, having been in fight and flight mode for so long, collapsed and went into freeze mode. In search of relief, and after researching it and discussing it with holistic menopause specialists, and against everything I normally believe in (I’m a proponent of natural medicine), I started HRT when I turned 53, in order to help re-regulate my nervous system. It helped with sleep and anxiety almost instantly, and over the course of the next 6 months, gave me enough breathing space to start working at re-regulating my nervous system. 

    Discovering neurodiversity

    In 2023, at the age of 53, I got diagnosed with ADHD. For me, this, and during the months before said diagnosis (I knew I was ADHD 18 months prior to diagnosis) has been empowering, and only empowering, because, the more I learnt about it, the kinder I became to myself, instead of relentlessly beating myself up about stuff I found hard to do. Having ADHD means being able to achieve incredible things when motivated, but also finding things I perceive as tedious almost impossible to do, leading to a lot of procrastination and negative thinking about it. I also learnt about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, something I have had all my life, and I wasn’t aware of until reading about ADHD.  It was thanks to my diagnosis and Kanan’s support that I was able to apply for an access to work grant, and my friend Saheera recommended an agency called This is me to support my application, which earned me a 35K grant to support me in my business.

    Healing through alternative therapies

    In 2024, after having wasted weeks with an NHS talking therapist, who, whilst she was kind and supportive, gave me absolutely zero relief or progress. I discovered a therapist, Emrys Blue Person, who is both a psychotherapist of 47 years but also a trained shaman. I loved that Emrys works in long, 2h sessions, instead of the prescribed talking therapy session of 50 minutes, where I barely got going. I got what I was looking for working with him, which was getting to the root of my problem very quickly. Emrys pointed out, like my previous coach Kanan, that I am indeed incredibly sensitive, and helped me realise that I was holding onto anger, and how to safely release it. Mostly importantly he helped me reframe the story I had been telling myself was that I had a happy childhood (I wasn’t abused, or neglected etc), into realising that, for someone as sensitive as me, being raised by parents who did not understand this was very traumatic and caused me to pretend to be someone I wasn’t in order to be loved. This has not been comfortable but it has been deeply healing. Recently, reading The Myth of Normal by Gabor Mate, I understood another layer of this. “The lack of emotional closeness in childhood is, in itself, traumatic. Children require emotional intimacy and attunement for their brains to develop properly.” Mate explains.  He goes on to explain “The infant needs the freedom to be able to experience their emotions and have them understood and validated by adults. “ How many of us who are adults today have experienced this during infancy? Having our emotions truly accepted and validated, without judgement, especially the ones perceived as negative, like anger, frustration and sadness? It’s no wonder so many of us aren’t even aware of the deep trauma we carry.

    Since January 2024, I have finally started to develop something that has felt elusive most of my life: a sense of peace in my heart, which has been growing since. A sense of trust, of leaning into the universe’s great plan. A sense of deep gratitude. A sense of spaciousness inside. A sense of expansive love. Don’t get me wrong, I do fall back into my own patterns a lot of the time. After all you cannot rewire 54 years of wiring in a few months, but there is progress. It is slow, but it is there.

    Redefining my career and purpose

    In the midst of this crisis, it also became clear that I had to stop working as a doula. I stopped 2 years ago and you can read about why I did this here. What followed, as well as carrying on working to support my child, was a period of fertile void, which, whilst I was trying hard to trust the unfolding, felt wholly uncomfortable at times. It took over 18 months before something else started to show itself, namely the increasing space drumming started to take in my life. I offered a course on drumming for birth, wrote an article about it for a scientific journal, and started writing a book about the drum’s power in empowering women through life’s challenges, which will likely be called The beat of your own drum. As I write this I am completing the manuscript, to be published in 2025. A few months ago I started drumming daily and within a couple of weeks I noticed a similar effect to the one I’d seen when I started microdosing. I wrote about the similarities and differences between drumming and psychedelics in this blog post.

    So it’s perhaps not a surprise that the focus of my work is changing, from being a perinatal educator, doula and mentor, to wanting to support women through life transitions and embodying their power. There is a big theme in my journey about overcoming overwhelm, regulating my nervous system and learning self kindness. 

    I want to help others along their way too. I already ran a workshop about overcoming impostor syndrome earlier this year, and I have also ran several coaching calls about managing life transitions. Watch out for new deep dive offerings in this area in the autumn. I’m otherwise engaged, but I’m already offering mentoring sessions for women going through deep transitions, and feel free to contact me if you’d like to try a session (no strings attached).

    Conclusion

    As I reflect on this journey, I’m struck by how each challenge, though difficult, led to greater self-understanding and personal growth. Through it, I’ve discovered the power of self-compassion, the importance of nervous system regulation, and the healing potential of drumming. My hope is that by sharing my story, others facing similar struggles might find inspiration and tools for their own journey of self-discovery and healing.