šŸ„ New Course Alert šŸ„ Join me on ‘The Women Drum Keepers Collective’ Learn More

Sophie Messager

Tag: doula

  • The mother blessing -a mother centered alternative to the baby shower

    The mother blessing -a mother centered alternative to the baby shower

     

    Recently I had the privilege to organise a mother blessings for one of our local doulas who was pregnant.

    A mother blessing is an alternative to the “baby shower” were friends of the pregnant mother gather to give her presents.

    The big difference is that in the baby shower, all the presents are for the baby.

    In the mother blessing, it is the mother who is the center of attention, and the gifts are for her, not for her baby.

    It feels very important to me to facilitate such gatherings, because our culture focuses on the mother only has a vessel for the baby, and usually once the baby has been born, nobody focuses on the mother anymore.

    Therefore with the mother blessing we can help start a cultural shift towards a more mother centered culture.

     

    I have written before about what new mothers really need, and how much of a raw deal we get, once our baby has been born, our partner has returned to work, and we’re alone at home all day, trying to make sense of this new experience, whilst trying to understand the needs of this new life helpless being we have given birth to, whose needs come before ours, always. We’re not meant to be doing this without a support network.

    Organising a mother blessing does not have to be complicated. It can be simple yet beautiful and powerful.

    This is what we did for our doula sister:

    We sat in a circle with her.

    We sang to her

    We gave her a bead each to have during her birth and the postnatal period, and we said good wishes as we gave her our bead.

    We threaded the beads into a necklace, to remind her of her circle of sisters being there with her in spirit, holding her, through the birth of her baby and the early postpartum weeks.

     

     

    We boundĀ our wrists, in a circle, with some wool, then cut the thread, tied the individual bits around our wrists, and all agreed to keep our little wool bracelet until her baby was born.

     

    We readĀ poems about motherhood.

     

     

     

     

    We massaged her hands and feet with gorgeous scented oils.

    We gave her a candle and all took away little tealights to light when we would hear the news that her baby was soon to be born.

    We gave her a goody bag of nurturing gifts.

    And of course we shared some yummy food.

     

     

    It was simple, yet magical and powerful. It was, like birth, an everyday extraordinary event.

    She knew this was meaningful, and it was touching and special for her and all those involved.

    We reminded her she could call upon us after the birth of her baby for support and companionship, and we also offered to gather around her to give her a closing the bones ceremony after the birth of her baby.

    This is what Ceci wrote about her mother blessing

     

    ” Today my doula friends gave me a “mother blessing”, which is a day to share before the baby is born, like a baby shower but more focused on Ā mum, with food toĀ share, poems, songs, made me a necklace with beads and a wish of each one.Ā  They gave me a candle and they also got one each also for when I start labour. We also sat in cicrle, each one told me a few words and we were passing a thread that we all tied up on the wrist and that we will have until my daughter is born. They gave me massages and we laughed a lot! I am super grateful to have them and to have had this day for me”

     

     

    I would like to see the tradition of mother blessings to replace that of baby showers, I sincerely hope that it will help place mothers back were they should never have left, at the centre of the circle of support, with the reverence they deserve for bringing new life into the world.

     

     

  • Reflections on what I did in 2017

    Reflections on what I did in 2017

    In my last blog, I suggested you spent some time reflecting on what you achieved in 2017.

    Inspired by my favourite doula, Maddie Mc Mahon, review of the year (you can read hers here), I decided to blog about reviewing my year too.

    As you will see, one should really do what they preach because I had a very interesting experience doing this.

    I have many hats so I’ll break it down in sections: my doula year, my teacher/facilitator year, my personal development and self care.

    My doula year.

    This year I supported 8 families through birth and 4 through the postnatal period.

    As usual in the doula world, it was a rollercoaster of variations and unexpected twist and turns. There was a woman who had had a very traumatic first birth, and who ended up with such a speedy birth this time that I only made it 30 min after the birth. The birth was a beautiful healing experience for her.

    Then another woman went beyond 42 weeks of pregnancy and decided to have an elective caesarean, instead of the homebirth she had planned, because she said that with the lack of support and “risk” pressure from the hospital she didn’t feel she could go into labour naturally. This is one of my pet hates, the arbitrary induction for “postdates” and the pressure women are under when they reach 42 weeks of pregnancy. As a mother who birthed my first baby 16 days past 40 weeks, I feel very strongly about it. I have written about it before here , and in the light of new scientific evidence about the supposed “failing” of the placenta post term, I shall be writing about this topic again in 2018.

    I provided backup support for a doula supporting a refugee mother, who didn’t speak any English. This was a new experience for me, somewhat reminiscing of my visit to a refugee camp in the North of France a few months before. Gone was the softly-softly, gentle approach I normally favour. here is no room for that, when all you’ve got is to communicate is an translating app that mostly spouts gobbledegook, and pictorial birth plans. Yet I know we made a massive difference to this mother, providing her with the information that allowed her to birth her twin babies vaginally with no interventions, and also with much needed donated baby equipment, and contacts with other local mothers who spoke her language. It felt really good to do this.

    I found myself supporting a repeat client through a miscarriage, which whilst different from a full term birth, needed the same kind, and even more gentle and loving support, than for a full time birth. I accompanied her to hospital appointments, and provided much needed emotional support in a system that only went through the motions and never acknowledged her loss. As someone who experienced recurrent miscarriages myself, this is another area that I feel very strongly passionate about supporting. After the miscarriage had happened, I went to close her bones, and it felt really good to be able to offer her something that acknowledged and honoured her loss. I wrote a blog about how closing the bones can help with loss shortly after that.

    I supported a first time mother through a long labour which ended with an instrumental birth in theatre. As in many occasions before, the couple requested my presence in theatre. In this particular case both the midwife and the obstetrician thought this was a good idea, but the anaesthetist said no. This had happened to me before, and had always felt so wrong, because when a couple ends up with a theatre birth and it wasn’t what they wished for, they are often very distraught, and for their doula to not be allowed to carry on supporting them through this difficult moment is very upsetting for them (and for the doula). I had tried to raise this with our local head of midwifery in the past, without success. This particular birth spurred me to finally try to do something about it again. A few months later I met with the head of my local delivery unit to discuss it. The meeting was very positive, and he promised to discuss it with the consultant anaesthetist. I was hopeful. Sadly, the consultant anaesthetist said no. I have been present in theatre in this very hospital with a couple myself in the past, and I know other doulas who have, so I know it can be done. I wrote to the consultant anaesthetist asking for a meeting, but didn’t get a reply. In, 2018, along with Doula UK, I will take part in a campaign to try and make this change happen.

    Doulas often say that births come like buses, and this year I had my most unexpected experience yet, as I attended 2 births within 12h of each other. The odds of this happened were very small indeed. I am grateful to my doula buddies Ceci and Maddie, with whom we provided an awesome shared care doula team for the second birth, and I was safe in the knowledge that this client would be in good hands should I not be able to attend. As it turned out, both births were swift and straightforward, so I was able to attend both. It left me so high on oxytocin, that I only managed 4h sleep the following night before waking up for the day, and had the most amazing glow going for a few days. There is never a dull moment in doula life.

    This was a year of firsts for me, as I also started supporting a repeat client through a twin pregnancy (she hasn’t had her babies yet), this is a foray in a new territory for me, with a lot of heavy handed medical approach and many appointments. There have been quite a few scares during this pregnancy, and I am grateful for the fact that I am supporting this client together with my doula colleague Ellie. Having another doula to share support, especially when faced with a complex situation makes the work lighter and easier, and means that there is always someone at the end of the phone who “gets” it, someone to share ideas and concerns with. I’ve also been able to reach out to the wider doula community to access knowledge. It makes a world of difference. Doulas need the support of other doulas too.

    The last “first” of the year was supporting my first home VBAC. The birth itself was straightforward and the mother coped beautifully and got the birth she wanted.I hadn’t anticipated how anxious the midwifes attending her birth would be, and how keen they would be to try and transfer her to the hospital. Reflection is a very important skill for a birthworker, and it took me a few hours after the birth to understand what had felt so odd and uneasy about the atmosphere during the birth: the midwives were outside of their comfort zone, and it is amazing that the mother managed to labour so well within such a distrusting atmosphere. I feel that I was the only one there (apart from the mother and her partner) who trusted the process. Never in my 5 years as a doula have had ever had to do so much space holding and protecting, and been so utterly convinced that if I hadn’t been there, the outcome would have been completely different. Whilst on paper, the birth was straightforward, the protecting and managing the space left me completely wrung out, so much self care was needed afterwards.

    Early in the year, I became a doula UK mentor. I loved every minute of my own mentored doula journey and wanted to be able to give this back to the doula community. This year I had the honour to support 7 mentored doulas. I had expected to enjoy supporting them, but not how much more depth of knowledge of my own doulaing it would give me, and how much I would learn from my mentees. It has brought me much joy, and I have loved this new experience of reflection and self-development.

    I wrote 24 blog posts on topics ranging from birth to motherhood and I hope what I wrote helped women and birthworkers feeling empowered in making informed decisions. I also wrote blogs for other people and 2 articles for The Doula magazine.

    My teaching/workshop facilitator year.

    In 2017 I got to do a lot of something I love, facilitating workshops for birthworkers. I facilitated 34 workshops in total (Closing the bones, rebozo, babywearing peer supporter (one was with the local hospital NICU staff and one with my local nursery), and reiki workshops). I trained around 230 people. I travelled up and down the country (from Cambridge, to Peterborough, Bristol, Manchester , Sheffield, Liverpool, Brighton, Canterbury, and London (several times)). I meet some awesome people, and shared some incredible moments of connection. I also braved my ultimate nemesis which was driving through central London. I feel blessed to be able to do this.

    I also delivered a couple of conference presentations about using rebozos at a babywearing conference.

    I did several one to one babywearing consultations through the year, either as part of my doulaing or for a single one to one consult. It’s always a joy to witness the expression of joy on a new mother’s face when she realises she can meet her baby’s need for closeness effortlessly and get her hands back. I was particularly touched by a mother whose baby had a flat head, I suggested she visits my osteopath and I got a delighted thank you email later when the baby’s skull roundness had been fully restored.

    2017 also saw me develop the beta version of my online rebozo course to a group of early adopters. I thought I’d get about 10/15 people but 115 signed up, and I was totally blown away by the response I got (and to be honest, a little overwhelmed!). I will launch the live version of the course in the first quarter of 2018.

    I celebrated having trained 300 people in offering the closing the bones massage, and also launched a website dedicated to closing the bones, to spread the word further and help people find practitioners. https://www.closingthebonesmassage.com/. I hope this will help play a role in changing our culture’s attitude towards supporting women during the postpartum.

    I developed and launched the second level of the closing the bones workshop, called Deeper into closing the bones. I also started developing the massage table version of the technique, which I will launch sometimes in 2018.

    I also started an online rebozo shop at the end of 2017, something I’d sworn I would never do, as I’m more about services than products, but I had reached the stage where, having started selling rebozos at my live workshops only, there were enough people who knew I had them, and therefore I receive requests for them on a weekly basis, which was a time consuming process. My shop is a work of love, as I went to great length talking to suppliers to make sure the process is ethical. Have a look, there are some lovely stories (including videos) about the suppliers in there.

    My healer year

    Healing, with Closing the bones and/or Reiki is something I love to do, and this year there was plenty of this in my life too. I heard many harrowing stories and it felt good to be able to listen deeply and offer this powerful ritual to honour them. I got to treat a range of people, closing the bones in particular to women having experienced trauma or loss. I loved doing the massage 4 times on a new postpartum mum within 2 weeks of the birth. I taught closing the bones to a male doula (who had a fantastic healing experience from it). I usually incorporate Reiki into my closing the bones treatments, and I treated several people with alone Reiki too, and got to experiment with my new skills using the drum to channel Reiki.

    My personal development year

    Earlier in the year I set out that I’d like to attend a minimum of one day of personal self development/learning new skills per month. It’s interesting because until I wrote this post I didn’t think I had quite achieved that, but in reality I attended well over 15 days of training in 2017, which means that I beat my goal (I had no idea I had until I started writing this post!)

    I attended Sara Wickham’s post term pregnancy course, Gena Kirby’s cultured doula programme, an advanced spinning babies workshop with Gail Tully, Diane Garland’s waterbirth workshop, a Birthlight course on healing Diastasis Recti (which to my delight, included a lot of work using a rebozo), and a 2 day workshop on Closing the Bones with Rocio Alarcon. I also went to the doula UK conference, to a babywearing CPD on inclusivity, and to the annual doula retreat, were I made the most powerful and magical drum. I have using this drum for healing since, and even more so after training in the Reiki drum technique in September.

    My self care year

    I kept to my promise to myself of having a body work treatment after every birth, often within days of the birth, mostly with my osteopath and friend Teddy Brookes. I tried something new too: I had two floatation tank sessions, which I loved. I did several healing/massage skill swaps with my brilliant massage therapist friend Emma Kenny, who gave me some of the best aromatherapy massages I have ever had. I did some kind of meditation/Reiki self treatment most days too. I was lucky to be invited to a one day mini retreat called “nurturing the mama” run by two wonderful women, Jo Gray and Suzanne Morgan, who are both Reiki masters, therapists, healers and general awesome women. I had met them when they attended a closing the bones workshop. I feel very grateful for the people that my work puts on my path. And of course the 4 days doula retreat in North Wales in May, away from the hustle and bustle of the “normal” world, was the highlight of my self care year. Huge thanks to doulaĀ Selina Wallis for organising it!

    Another very important part of my looking after my soul, is that in 2017 I re-joined a community choir. I had spent 10 years in a Cambridge community choir before, but I hadn’t taken part regularly since my daughter had been born in 2009, so this was a big deal. Coming back to singing made me take stock and measure how much I’ve changed since my scientific career days, how much more in tune with my body am I. I also found the singing is such an important medicine for the soul, in a job as emotionally and spiritually demanding as doulaing.

    Sports wise, I kept to my normal regime of 3 swims a week. In April I joined an online fitness club called Rebelfit and started learning lots of new fitness techniques I had never done before, including playing around with kettlebells. I can now squat and do proper situps and press-ups, something I couldn’t do before. I also started experimenting with eating a paleo type of diet and mostly eliminated grains and dairy. I’m make exceptions to this regularly, but I notice I have much more energy when avoiding these foods.

     

    Writing all this, which I would probably not have done in so many details for myself if I hadn’t been writing this blog post, I’m oscillating between feeling very proud and feeling a little worried it comes up as boasty. I’m quite surprised that I have done so much because it really didn’t feel like it until I looked back. I’m getting a taste of my own medicine when I tell people to focus on their achievements. I’m quick to dismiss my own because I mostly focus on what I’m not yet doing, not yet achieving, against my own impossible standards. And yet, looking at it all written like this, this is rather a lot.

    Because I wrote this blog, I spent a lot more time than I normally do reflecting on how I work. It has allowed me to see pattern and things I want to do differently, and plan differently. It’s been a real eye opener. Who knew?

    I just took part in a live seminar on goal setting with my friend Charlie Ashley Roberts, from “your time to grow”. During the seminar, Charlie explained that only 3% of people write goals, 13% think about goals but don’t write them, and 84% of people don’t do any goals at all, yet research shows that people who set goals are much more likely to achieve them than people who don’t. I oscillate between the 13 and the 3%. My struggle is to find a good balance as I have such high standards, that I often use the goal tool to berate myself, to feel that I’m notĀ  good enough.

    I just received an email newsletter from Lissa Rankin, a brilliant American doctor/healer, and her it said this:

    “ Studies show that approximately 40% of people make New Years Resolutions, but only between 8ā€“19% of people actually follow through on fulfilling those promises two years later which means that 81ā€“92% of people who make New Years Resolutions wind up feeling like undisciplined losersā€¦”

    This year I’m planning to work more creatively around the goal setting thing, rather than making it a chore/or a stick to beat myself up with (I’m not finding bullet points type lists very exciting). I’m going to apply the principle that it’s best to do little and often, rather than setting unrealistic goals (for instance, committing to meditating 10 min a day is much easier than 30 min which I know I’m unlikely to do). I’m going to be playing around with a law of attraction diary and also meeting up regularly with a couple of friends to set goals together, starting with making a vision board.

    Mostly, I’m making the promise to myself to spend more time having fun with my work, than trying to stick to a rigid working schedule.

    I’d love to hear how you balance celebrating your achievements and finding the right balance in goal setting and work planning.

     

     

  • Are you focusing too much on what you’re not doing?

    Are you focusing too much on what you’re not doing?

    I’m writing this as a reflection on myself, but really hope it helps others too.

    I have noticed this dichotomy between how I perceive myself professionally and how others perceive me. I tend to focus more on what I’m not yet doing, rather than what I’m doing. This means I beat myself up very often with feelings of procrastination and not doing everything I “ought” to be doing.

    So it surprised me recently when I ran a workshop in London and the host asked me how I managed to “do it all”. It was interesting to hear how she perceived my work, versus how I perceive it, because I didn’t think I did that much at all.

    This isn’t the first time I explore this topic, in fact, I wrote this blog about this topic a while ago, called “are you full of should?”.

    I would like to invite you as the end of the year draws near, to sit down for a while and reflect on what you have achieved this year.

    I did a bit of it recently as I did my accounts, and looking through receipts reminded me of lovely things I’d done through the year and forgotten about.

    I like to sit down with my diary and a good cup of coffee, and write down everything I did in the last year.

    Lists, bullet point style, don’t really work for me, so writing as it comes, mindmap style, is a better choice for me, especially with lots of different colours.

    I’m thinking of doing some kind of collage of special moments pictures too. So I when the “not doing enough” gremlins attack I can look at it and remind myself of what I’ve achieved.

    I also keep a file where I copy and paste all the lovely feedback I receive from clients. It’s a very uplifting read on a low day.

    I’d love to hear what you do, and how you get on!

    In the meantime I am myself permission that it’s ok that I’ve “only” booked my 2018 workshops for January so far.

    I have plans for many more for 2018, and I will book them in the new year.

    I’ve kind of learnt that although I don’t necessarily book things in advance as much as my inner critic would like me to, I always get things done when the deadline looms, and it’s what matter.

    This week IĀ only had a 2 day week as school finished on Tuesday, and I had much to do before starting the holidays.

    I gave myself permission toĀ tick less stuff offĀ my to-do list, becauseĀ they were short of volunteers at the local breastfeeding clinic on Monday, and I wanted to go an deliver cakes to the midwives at my local hospital on Tuesday afternoon, which a Cambridgeshire doulas tradition.

    I had to remind myself that doing stuff which feels good, which fills the soul, like giving to others, was going to have more impact on my well-being than ticking stuff off my list.

    I guess in this time-pressured time of the year, taking time to do this amounted as self care.

     

    I’m looking forward to a time of rest and enjoying the quiet time with my family.

    Have a lovely holiday season.

  • A tale of two VBACS

    A tale of two VBACS

    I wrote this blog with Sarala’s permission, and it is now featured on the Cambridge vbac friends blog

     

    Saralaā€™s two VBACs in the Rosie Delivery Unit and the Rosie Birth Centre as told by her doula

  • Energy hygiene for birth and perinatal professionals

    Energy hygiene for birth and perinatal professionals

    What is energy hygiene and why do you need it as a birthworker?

    Please don’t let the “woo” undertone of this title put you off and read on because I am going to try and explain it in a way that is hopefully both meaningful and helpful for those of you who aren’t used to dealing with energy work.

    Let me start by making an analogy. As a doula (and I’m sure you do the same whether you are a doula, a midwife, an antenatal or postpartum educator or a therapist who work with expectant, birthing and postnatal families), I naturally use a certain level of physical hygiene. Before interacting with a family, I make sure I’m clean. For example, I wash my hands before touching a newborn or before entering a ward in the hospital. So this is the part of the hygiene where I make sure that I protect the families I look after against any germs I may be carrying.

    During the actual process, during birth for example, most of the time I do not feel the need to apply extra hygiene measures, however I may choose to wear gloves whilst cleaning bodily fluids, or give my hands an extra thorough wash after dipping them in birthing pool water. ByĀ doing this, I protect myself again germs that may be carried by the people I look after.

    Finally, when I get home from a birth, or from visiting the hospital or a new family,Ā  I also clean myself appropriately. After a long hospital birth, for example I always put all my clothes straight in the wash and usually have a shower or bath. This is about my own comfort and well being, as well as protecting myself and my family (i.e. trying to limit bringing hospital germs back into my home for example).

    Of course, all of these practises are something I do without even thinking about it, and they are also adapted to the levels of risk and vulnerability of the clients I am supporting, both in the way I protect them (disclosing to clients that one of my children or another client’s child has come down with an illness for example), and the way I protect myself (choosing to wear gloves to clean up).

    I bet you do it too, especially if you are a health professional or therapist. These basic hygiene measures will have been drilled into you. And you don’t even think about it anymore.

    For a long time I thought of energy hygiene as a long and complex task that I just couldn’t do (a bit like I used that I couldn’t do meditation because I thought this required to think of nothing (if you still believe this watch this fantastic animation about it)

    But various experiences made me dabble more and more into techniques of energy hygiene. It boils down to 3 aspects: Grounding, Cleansing and Protection. Good energy hygiene didn’t have to be complicated, because intention is key and the principles are the same as with physical hygiene.

    But before I go into this, let me explain about bit about what I mean about energy, and energy work.

    The human body (and all living things) emits an electromagnetic energy field. This can be measured scientifically with electrodes for example. But the field produces energy that also goes beyond the physical body. Traditional medicines like the Chinese and Indian medicine have a deep understanding of these energetic systems and how they affect health and wellbeing. The organ that produces the biggest, most measurable electromagnetic field is our heart, and its electromagnetic field can be used to communicate between people. The institute of HeartMath has some cool science on this.

    The tricky bit for us Westerners is our current medical view of the human body doesn’t acknowledge the existence of such an energy field, so it can be difficult to understand, or to believe in. Yet, everything in our world is made of particles and energy. A friend once told me “if you believe in quantum physics, you believe in Reiki”.

    Interestingly, even the most sceptical among us have felt energy. We have all felt stuff like the gaze of someone behind us, feeling really good or really uneasy somewhere for no apparent reason, or that when someone walked into a room, the room instantly felt uplifted, or the opposite, the room felt suddenly heavy and uncomfortable.

    Energy work can simply be summarised by saying that every time we interact with someone, we exchange energy. Whether we are mindful of it or not. So coming back to the physical hygiene analogy, we bring our own energy to the table, and so do everybody we interact with. Therefore the same rules of cleansing and protection apply on both sides.

    As birthworkers and healers, we need to make sure we’re as clean as possible, that we protect our clients and ourselves, and clean ourselves again when the work is done. When we get that close to people, especially in the birth space, where massive energetic shiftsĀ  are taking place, then energy hygiene is essential, for the same reasons as physical hygiene is essential.

    So whether you teach a class, do massage or healings, attend births or support families after birth, anything that involves getting close to other people who are in a state of flux energetically and/or in a vulnerable state, then you need to apply the same principles.

    First, keep your own energy clean. Don’t bring your own shit to the table. As a doula, if I have some personal challenge going on, I do to mention it to my clients. Similarly, I try to leave my own energetic crap at the door. Grounding yourself will help with this (more about that later). So be mindful about protecting the people you work with, and make sure you’re as clean as possible.

    Second, protect yourself. Everybody you interact with will bring their own energetic state to the space, and like for physical hygiene, some people are clean and full of positive energy and some people aren’t. You don’t want to catch the energy issues of others.

    Third, when the work is done, be sure to cleanse yourself again.

    So how can you do this?

    It’s quite easy, because it is all about the power of visualisation and intention.

    Grounding is the earthing of our own energy to the energy field of the Earth. Again some cool science behind earthing-we know that earthing helps people heal a lot faster, having measurable effects on inflammation, the immune response, wound healing, and prevention and treatment of chronic inflammatory and autoimmune diseases. One of my two favourite ways to ground myself are the tree meditation, and walking barefoot on the grass. Super simple an quick, and they work!

    The tree meditation goes like this: stand up, close your eyes, give your body and mind a quick scan (how do you feel etc). Then imagine that you are a tree. Visualise the tree in as many details as you can. Then, with each out breath, imagine that you are growing your roots deep into the earth. That’s it! do this for a couple of minutes, then scan yourself again. Be prepared to be amazed at the difference!

    Protecting yourself is a simple as visualising some kind of protection system around you. Find something that work for you, because in my experience if the visualisation isn’t your bag it’s harder to visualise. Some people picture a bubble (including one with a reflective surface), some see some kind of suit or cloak, or shield, etc . As you visualise your protection recite in your head what you want it to do (for example, to stop any negative energy from coming in but letting positive energy circulate both in and out). If the idea of the bubble appeals to you, you could try listening to this guided meditation.

    Again it’s interesting to experiment how you might feel before and after a protection visualisation!

    Cleansing can be done by grounding yourself again, whilst visualising all unwanted energies flowing into the earth works well. Walking barefoot on the grass/the earth is a quick and powerful way to ground and cleanse. You can also try and visualise whatever works for you as a way to sever the energetic links you will have made with all the people encountered that day and that you no longer need. It could be just visualising something like a shower or waterfall cleaning you, seeing the energies flow down into the earth, visualising scissors or other cutting implements actively cutting the ties you no longer need. Again intention is key, and so is finding a visual tool that speaks to you.

    Another nice way to cleanse your energy is to smudge yourself with sacred herbs (sage is a classic, and there are many other. I personally love Palo Santo) or an essential oil spray made with cleansing intention (or you can buy a ready made one).

    There are many many other ways to practise these energy hygiene techniques,Ā  and like the physical hygiene techniques, you may feel drawn to activate some of them depending on your circumstances and what you feel the need to do in a particular situation. For example, I often feel the need to add a layer of protection to Ā myself on crowded public transport like the subway in London. Similarly I may feel the need to ground myself more than usual after teaching a bit group, after providing a healing session, or to cleanse my house after doing a healing in my space.

    If you’re a Reiki practitioner, then there are all sorts of ways you can use the Reiki energy for grounding, protection and cleansing, depending on your intention (and specifically, if you’re trained at level 2 you can use the Chokurei Symbol for both empowerment, protection and clearing negative energies).

    So in a nutshell, energy hygiene is healthy and necessary, and actually simple and easy to do! Give it a try and see what difference it makes to your life.

  • What new mothers really need

    What new mothers really need

    I’ve just finished looking after a new mum as a postnatal doula.

    As I supported the new mother, once again I was reminded of the fact that our culture’s focus, when it comes to postnatal recovery, is completely wrong.

    Our culture got it wrong because it focuses entirely on the new baby, when it should be focusing on the new mother.

    I have touched on this before when talking about postnatal recovery, but I need to dedicate a whole post about this topic.

    What it boils down to is in fact very simple.

    A new baby’s needs, too, are very simple: food, warmth and shelter.

    But those needs are also incredibly intense and time consuming, because babies need a lot of cuddles, and feeding little and often.

    Traditional wisdom around the world understands this well, and new mothers are nurtured, and are not expected to cook, do chores and or look after other children etc for at least a month after the birth of a baby.

    The support often comes in the form of extended family and local community, or an older woman or young girl is hired to help.

     

    This happens because these cultures understand how important it is for a mother to recover physically and emotionally after growing and birthing a baby- and also how important it is for her to have time to get to know her new baby.

    The nurturing takes place in the form of special nourishing dishes, as well as physical practises such as massage and/or binding of the abdomen or hips with a cloth (again many cultures are very specific about this, understanding how vulnerable the new mother is).

    Since I started teaching the closing the bones postnatal massage 4 years ago, and started learning about the importance of this practise to help a new mother regain her strength and energy, I have taken it upon myself to ask every foreigner I meet what the traditional postpartum practises of his or her culture entails, and I have found that some form of nurturing practise of this kind (usually involving massage and/or binding of the abdomen hips )is ubiquitous around the world.

    An Indian mum told me how her mother hired an old lady from the village who came and gave her a full body massage EVERY DAY for a month after the birth of her twins. A Kenyan mum told me how people would fight over whose turn it was to cook her food, and how she was so well looked after, she didn’t even wash herself.

    What do we get, in the Western world today, on the other hand? As clinical psychologist Mia Scotland said at the doula UK conference, “Two weeks paternity leave and sleep when the baby sleeps”. We get presents that are entirely focused on the baby (bar the odd bouquet of flowers maybe-but you can’t eat those sadly), which again is very telling about what our culture considers important.

    New mums aren’t nurtured, quite the opposite, in fact, their needs are ignored, nobody is admiring and respecting them for the amazing feat they just accomplished (growing and birthing a whole new person!), and they are even encouraged to “get back to normal” as soon as possible and admired if they do so.

    This is SO wrong.

    It also means that women feel guilty for seeking support for themselves, because of this bullshit, Ā superwoman, “I can do it all by myself” crap that is peddled by our culture.

    As I mentioned above, a new baby’s needs are simple, but they are also intense, and so what the baby really needs is for his mum to feel strong and nurtured enough to be able to meet those needs.

    The needs of a new mother too, are incredible simple when it comes to it.

    She needs good food, and she needs rest.

    She needs not to worry about meeting anybody else’s needs for a while, but her own (and her baby’s).

    But those simple needs, in our nuclear family culture, can be incredibly hard to meet.

    So as I mentioned in my post “why you need to write a postnatal recovery plan” Ā before, I would like to encourage expectant parents to plan a few weeks of support after the birth of their baby, thinking about how they are going to eat, rest and look after their house/family for the first 4-6 weeks after the birth.

    You could call upon your family for support if this is a good option for you. When my children were born, my parents came from France for 2 weeks under the agreement that they would take care of all the shopping, all the cooking and cleaning etc and that my husband and I wouldn’t lift a finger. I get on very well with them so for me, this was heaven. I know, however, that many new parents do not have any family nearby, or that the family’s company may not necessarily be the kind that brings, calm peace and rest, and it will only work if that is the case.

    You could plan ahead and batch cook and freeze food, or order some in.

    If you can afford it, getting some support in the form of a postnatal doula, a cleaner (even if only for a short while), a mother’s help, or any other extra pair of adult hands which can take the weight of for a bit is completely priceless.

    I just supported a new mum, and during the first 2 weeks postpartum, I gave her the closing the bones massage 4 times. It felt great to be able to nurture her this way, and it also felt very much needed. But I am also aware that, whilst I offered this to her as part of my postnatal doula package, not many mums who haven’t got a doula skilled in doing this would feel they can justify the expense, because of the misplaced cultural focus I mentioned above.

    So if you are reading this and you’re an expectant mother, I urge you to write a postnatal recovery plan, and demand presents that support you and your growing family rather than your baby.

    If you are reading this and you know a new mum who could do with some support, either give her that support directly if you can, in the form of some nourishing home cooked food delivered to her house with no expectation of entertainment in return, in the offer to play with her kids or hold her baby whilst she naps (tidy her house up, fold some laundry and empty her dishwasher whilst you’re at it), or if alternatively, buy her some help-a few hours of support from a postnatal doula, a delivery of frozen dishes that she can just pop in the oven (my client used this company ), or a closing the bones massage or 3!

    Together, we can slowly help change our culture’s focus to one that honours and support new families.

    If this resonates and you would like to work with me, head over here if you’re an expectant or new mother, and here if you are a birthworker

  • Why being a doula is a zen-like practice

    As I have moved from learning to teaching, I have always been blown away by how much deeper one’s knowledge becomes when you start to teach something to others, rather than just using it for yourself.

    I recently became a doula mentor.

    As I support new doulas through their journeys, of course this too is deepening my understanding of what being a doula is all about.

    As a new doula and I discussed the process of supporting a couple through the beginning of their labour, it suddenly dawned on me:

    Being a doula is a zen-like practice.

    Why?

    There are many reasons.

    The first one is that birth, by essence, is totally unpredictable.

    You don’t know when labour will start.

    You don’t know how long it will last.

    You don’t know how it will unfold.

    So just like giving birth requires you to surrender to the process, being a doula too requires the doula to surrender to the unpredictability of childbirth.

    This means that, for an ex control freak like me, it is the ultimate lesson in letting go of control and acceptance of “what is”.

    In the early days of my doula journey I was so excited, bright eyed and bushy tailed about attending births, that I never gave this much thought.

    Five years and many births later, I have achieved a certain state of acceptance and relaxation that allows me to cope with the unpredictability in a much more relaxed manner.

    First, there is the on-call period. The time around the “due date” (we should really call it a “guess date”), during which my phone never leaves my side, and sits on my beside table at night. As I have young children this requires a lot of organisation and backup plans for the “just in case” scenarios. For example, right now I am waiting for a client to go into labour and my husband is abroad for a week, so I have a couple of doula friends also on call for me, just in case I need to call them at 3 am to come to my house and mind my children (I look forward to the time when my kids are old enough so they no longer need childcare). Similarly, my social life is on hold, I can’t drink alcohol, and I am never far away from home (If you want to find out more about what being on call entails, I have written about this here and here, and I really like doula Lindsey Middlemiss’s view on the topic too).

    Becoming a doula is a calling, something that women do out of passion, not motivated by money. Yet the unpredictability and the intensity of this time, the on call, requires a certain zen state of mind, in order to be able to cope with the intensity of that period. Many doulas give up after a few years. Fellow doulas who have been doulaing for more than 10 years, such as London doula Lauren Mishcon, tell me they can count on one hand which of their colleagues who started at the same time as them are still doulaing.

    And when I say unpredictability I don’t just mean waiting for the labour to starting within the 4 to 5 weeks window between 37 and 42 weeks. This is long enough by any means but I have had many experiences outside this window.

    Take for example the client who stayed pregnant until 43 weeks had passed. Or the one whose waters broke at 34 weeks, followed by a speedy labour. Or the one who unexpectedly went into labour (thankfully, easily and quickly) at 37 weeks, 48h before I was due to attend my mum’s 70’s birthday abroad. Or the client who texted me with signs of early labour a month early when I was hours drive away, committed to teaching a course and just couldn’t come home (she waited for me to return, thankfully). Or the week-end when 3 different clients, with 3 completely different due dates, where all threatening to go into labour at the same time (they ended up birthing a week apart-one was late, one was on time, one was very early). Or the time a fellow doula called me on Christmas day to ask if I could attend the beginning of the labour of her client who had unexpectedly gone into labour 6 weeks early-the doula is question was over 6 hour’s drive away.

    As I reflect on how far I have come since I started doulaing, I remind myself that in the early days of my doula career, I didn’t even dare bake a cake in case my client called whilst it was baking. I had since learnt that, with a few rare exceptions of extremely speedy labours, with most labours you get plenty of warning and time to get all your ducks in a row. These days I seem to take a lot more in my stride, and things which would sent me into a frienzed state of stress barely raise my heartbeat.

    I also bow to the doula community, which is incredible when it comes to supporting a sister in need in times like these!

    Second there is the early labour. For a first time mother, this may last many hours, and when I am asked by parents or mentees when should their doula join them, my answer is always the same : when they need her.

    During this stage of labour, everybody is at home, even couples planning a hospital birth, because hospitals tend to send you back home if labour hasn’t become established yet. Some couples just let you know that they are in labour and don’t require your support yet. So you just sit there knowing that you may be called anytime, and it might be a short time or it might be hours, or even more than a day for you to wait. In the early days I was very twitchy during this time, not knowing what to do with myself. I remember a particular time when a couple’s waters had gone earlier that day, and I didn’t dare go to bed in case they called. My husband found me trying to snooze fully dressed on the sofa and marched me to get into my pj’s and to bed. I’m so glad he did, because they didn’t get into labour until the next day at lunchtime!

    Now I treat this period like a pre-marathon and just chill, meditate, watch soppy films and eat nice food, whilst I wait for the call that I am needed. Recently I even sang in a concert with my choir whilst clients were in early labour. It was lovely, because it really energised me for the long birth that followed (interestingly they called asking me to join them the minute I got home from the concert). Many first time couples welcome the reassuring presence of their doulas in the background during this stage, however, even though they may be coping fine by themselves and not actually need you in the same room, knowing that you are in the house help them feel safer. So I have spent many early labours sleeping in the spare room, dozing on the sofa, or simply sitting down reading a book whilst their laboured in another room.

    Again there is a big element of acceptance. Supporting labouring couples is all about what the couple needs, not what the doula needs. This can be hard sometimes. You can be eager to be with them, and they don’t need you there yet, so you just sit there, chomping at the bit. They might say we’ll text you in a couple of hours, and they don’t, and you worry about them, and wonder when it is appropriate to contact them again. They might ask you to go home when you’d rather stay. I once had a couple asked me to wait outside their hospital room for several hours, they needed to be on their own for a while, this was a couple of years into my doulaing and I was totally fine with it, but earlier on I know I would be been really eager to be in the room with them and it would have been frustrating.

    As you can see, there is a lot of patience involved, and there is a lot of acceptance of “what is”. And there is no space for ego. It’s not about you.

    There is a saying in the doula world that doulas are about being, not doing. And it can indeed be challenging to wait “doing nothing” whilst you wait for a couple to ask you to join them. Except you aren’t doing nothing, you are holding space for them (read about that here), even if you aren’t actually physically present, and this space holding is the most important part of our support.

    During the birth itself, time seems to assume an unusual loose pattern, and there is something about being there during that process that feels unique and amazing-like time stands still and you are really “in the moment”, you don’t think about anything else or feel you ought to be somewhere else or doing something else. It feels like some kind of amazingly deep meditative process.

    Later on when labour becomes established, there are other aspects still, which require us to have a very flexible attitude.

    Labour can take a long time. The shortest time I have been present was about 6h (the birth was only 3h long-but doulas always stay after the birth to make sure you’re well and settled and help you feed your baby for the first time etc). The longest time I have supported a birth was 4 days (I have written a blog about How to survive along birth as a doula ) .

    Labour can also be surprisingly faster than expected. I have missed a few births, when things happened so fast the mother didn’t realise this was really labour until she started to push, so they only called me after the baby was born. Again now I am quite philosophical about it because deep down I know that things happened the way they were meant to. But missing a birth is always a sad thing for a doula. There is some grief involved in the process.

    These days I do a lot of shared care work, because of my teaching commitments. This means I work in a team with another doula to support a client. This has many advantage, not least the ability to lean onto a doula sister during the whole process, and being able to tag team through a long birth. This is the ultimate lesson is letting go of one’s ego, because, sometimes, the mother develops a deeper relationship with one of the doula team, and choses to call only one of us even when the other is available. Sometimes I only support from afar whilst my co-doula attends the birth.

    Many things can happen which makes the birth plan veer off course. And when this happens, we have to keep calm and help the couple navigate these as best as we can. I have written before about how difficult it can be for a doula when birth don’t end up the way the parents had hoped. We becoming very emotionally invested in our clients, and when they are sad, we hurt too.

    I have also learnt the hard way not to have expectations. The universe has a knack of teaching us the lessons we need to learn, and for me it has been trying hard not to have expectations about what might happen one way or another. It’s kind of difficult not to, especially when this isn’t a first time labour. With first time labours, I have learnt to expect something long (anything between 24h and 48h), so if it’s shorter I am pleasantly surprised. But with mothers who have given birth before, it’s difficult not to have expectations based on what their first birth was like. Yet every birth is totally unique. Ā So for example when a client of mine birthed early with baby number 2, I expected baby number 3 to be early too. But no, he was born 2 weeks past the due date. I also had a client whose first birth had been relatively quick, but her second birth was a lot longer. I didn’t cope very well with it at first, because of my expectations. I also had a client whose second labour had a lull, and she got sent home from the hospital, again this wasn’t what I expected. So now I give myself a mental kick up the arse when I catch myself having any expectations.

    The final lesson doulaing has taught me is that everybody is different, unique, and full of unexpected quirks.

    I didn’t grasp this in the same way prior to becoming a doula.

    It fits in the “don’t have expectations” category too, because every time I think I have sussed someone out, they do or say something completely out of character.

    Like the woman who plans a homebirth but then decides to have an elective cesarean instead. Ā Or the one who was scared of birth and planned to go to hospital as soon as possible, but then decides to stay at home during her labour.

    This is also one of the reasons doulas have to be so adaptable. If we are to support a birthing woman and her partner the best way possible, we need to change and adapt really fast as a moment’s notice, like a chameleon.

    So these are all the reasons why doulaing is like a zen practise.

    We don’t know when things are going to happen, how they are going to happen, what will happen and how long it will last. Yet we manage to stay calm, grounded and hold the space through it all.

     

    If this resonates with you and you feel drawn to working with me, head over here if you’re a birthworker and here if you’re an expectant or new mother.

  • Why it’s important to sit with the pain

    Why it’s important to sit with the pain

    I have just supported another long birth, one that didn’t end up the way the parents were hoping for.

    I always find myself raw and open after supporting such a birth.

    As a doula I become so emotionally invested in supporting the parents, when thing don’t go the way they had hoped for, I feel sad and powerless.

    So usually I sit with that feeling, and I leave my heart cracked open for a few days.

    Because I need to sit with it, to honour it to absorb it to process it.

     

    This poem from Michael Leunig sums up exactly how I feel:

    “When the heart
    Is cut or cracked or broken
    Do not clutch it
    Let the wound lie open
    Let the wind
    From the good old sea blow in
    To bathe the wound with salt
    And let it sting.
    Let a stray dog lick it
    Let a bird lean in the hole and sing
    A simple song like a tiny bell
    And let it ring
    Let it go.
    Let it out.
    Let it all unravel.
    Let it free and it can be
    A path on which to travel.ā€

    It’s taken me several years to understand this process. At first when I experienced this feeling I felt bereft and I tried to “fix” it. Ā I discussed it with friends who suggested various self-care tools. And yes, whilst self care is an important part of the process, so is sitting with the pain and the discomfort. I have learnt to make peace with it, welcome it even.

     

    I have the skills to heal myself, and yet every time this happens, I choose not to for a few days, because I feel I have to sit with the raw feeling for a while so I can process it and learn from it.

    Sitting with the feeling helps me I am going to reflect on what I was meant to learn from the experience.

    I have an appointment booked to see a bodyworker friend who knows how to reset my nervous system after a birth. I often sob on the massage couch and I also often get the most amazing insight as I do so.

    So I guess my message is, look after yourself (I have written about self-care before here , Ā and also about how I use Reiki to manage my energy and those of others in the birth room-you can read about this here), but do not necessarily rush to do so, because you may miss out on insight if you do.

    If you feel drawn to sit with the pain for a while then there is probably a reason why you’re meant to do so.

     

  • Do you find it hard to charge for your services?

    Do you find it hard to charge for your services?

     

    I have been meaning to write this for a while. This week I had a couple of conversations with people which finally gave me the impetus to write it

    I have 4 hats: doula, antenatal and postnatal educator, babywearing instructor and healer, and therefore interact with a lot of people in these fields. Every single of these professions involves nurturing others.

    Many of my colleagues find it difficult to charge for what their services are worth. I see a lot of guilt around money, I see people not valueing themselves and the amazing work they do.

    So if you’re a doula, a babywearing instructor, an antenatal or postnatal educator, a healer, or if you work in a profession that involves giving a lot of yourself and you find it hard to charge for your services, please read on, because this is important.

    First I would like you to ask yourself: why am I doing this?

    Set some time aside and really think about what motivates you to do this, what is the drive behind your decision to pursue this job. Chances is you aren’t in it to make big bucks, but because you care deeply about people and you want to help change the world. I find that most people who choose this field don’t usually do it because of the earning potential! (and I should know because I left a prestigious and lucrative 20 years long career in scientific research to do this myself and I sure as hell didn’t do it for the money).

    But there is a sneaky, underlying unspoken implication somewhere that if you have a job that you love and that you find completely fulfilling, somehow it’s not OK to earn money from it. This is just wrong.

    To make an analogy, my brother is a professional musician. Artists often gets asked to do things for free, or for “the exposure” or because people don’t see their work as “work” they think they are just having fun so shouldn’t expect to be paid for it. This is bullshit. This article explains it well

    Next, I would also like to invite you to think deeply about the underlying reasons behind why you feel that you can’t charge a decent amount for your work.

    I can’t answer it for you because it’s a very individual thing. What I can tell you is that I consider myself to have fairly good self esteem, but when I started as a babywearing instructor 7 years ago, I had massive impostor syndrome (I’ve blogged about this topic hereĀ ), and even though I had spent quite a lot of time and money training and buying equipment, I still felt embarrassed to ask for money for my work.

    When you think about it, it is ridiculous. I had spentĀ  well over Ā£1500 on training, equipment and insurance (I since went on 2 more training courses, and bought many many other slings and dolls but that’s another story), and many hours reading and researching stuff, and yet there I was thinking I was a fraud.

    It really does add up, by the way, I invite you to sit down and do the sums for yourself too, because it helped me value what I did more.

    You may find that deep down, the issue is that you don’t value yourself and what you do enough (the impostor syndrome again), and that this is a major block to feeling that your services aren’t worth anything.

    I haven’t got a magic bullet answer to this, but I found that writing down what I do when I support people helped me realise that I do A LOT, including things that I didn’t even realised I did, because when you’re good at something, you just do it and find it easy and don’t tend to even realise that it’s a skill and you are doing it, and doing it well at that.

    I also found asking for feedback from clients went a long way to help me realise the value of what I do. I keep a file in which Ā I copy and paste ALL the positive feedback I get from clients (and yes I ask for feedback and testimonials because most of the time I wouldn’t get it otherwise). Reading the file really lifts me up when I’m low or doubting myself.

    Finally, comparing your prices to local practitioners offering similar services (say, bodyworkers like massage therapists or osteopaths), also goes a long way in realising that many of us do not charge enough money for what we do.

    But that’s not the most important message here. This is:

    Why do you owe it to yourself and your community to earn a decent living out of your passion?

    So, and keeping your “why” in mind,Ā  I would like to invite you to think about what’s going to happen if you can’t support yourself and your family and earn a living out of it.

    Ultimately,Ā  if you can’t afford to earn a living out of your craft, chances are, you won’t be able to keep doing it. So your amazing service may disappear, and you won’t be able to serve your community anymore. That’s right.

    If you think about it this way: charging a reasonable fee isn’t selfish, it is something you owe it to your community so you can keep doing it.

    Finally, and we’re coming back to the “artists shouldn’t do it for free” topic-if you don’t charge for your work, you are also doing other workers in your community a disservice because you are contributing to the idea that this service should be available for free.

    Most of the professions I’m in at quite new, in the sense that few people have heard of them (this is particularly true for babywearing instructor, which didn’t exist as a formal profession in the UK until 2011). So whilst people expect to pay a hairdresser or a plumber (because these are recognised professions and people know their value), they can be puzzled at having to pay for something they haven’t heard about, and therefore do not know of its value.

    By charging a reasonable price for your work, you are also helping the community value your work and build up its reputation, because people tend to value more what they pay for. I really like this article byĀ  Selena Rezvani, and these quotes in particular:

    ” As women, whether entrepreneurs, corporettes, or community leaders, we often expect our fellow sisters to do a task for some unclear or nonexistent future benefit.”

    “Whatever the reason, if you are asked to pitch in your research, skills, or accumulated experience without some type of compensation now or in the future, I hope you will consider the requestĀ veryĀ carefully, with a bent toward saying ā€œno.ā€Ā Ā 

    “If you have a problem asking for compensation, realize that the effect of not getting paid extends beyond you.Ā  If I give a speech to a student-run college club of women for example, and I tell them my expertise costs nothing, what am I teaching them about themselves?Ā  What am I saying about how they should conduct themselves in the future or estimate their own worth?Ā  Of course, Iā€™m not talking about charity and pro bono type work, which is an exception; I am talking about freely giving away our expertise that weā€™ve worked hard to build.Ā  Ā “

    I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with volunteering by the way, because drop-ins do amazing work in the community, and I also believe that the people who cannot afford support services often need it the most.

    But I have also seen too many of my colleagues giving discounts to people who earn way more than they do, and that’s just wrong (interestingly it is rarely the people who can’t afford services who haggle prices down). I’m also not saying that you can’t offer your services for a discount or even for free when someone cannot afford it and you feel drawn to helping them. I also love skills swaps and bartering. But by all means, make sure you do it for the right reasons and not at the expense of your wellbeing.

    I’ve heard people say “I feel I can charge for my one to one work because I volunteer at this free drop-in”. You don’t have to justify your prices. It’s OK to charge AND it’s OK to volunteer. But you don’t HAVE to volunteer in order to charge for your work.

    You owe it to both yourself and your community to charge a decent price for the amazing supportive, life saving, community building work that you do.

     

  • How to survive a long birth as a doula

    How to survive a long birth as a doula

    When I started working as a doula, one of my biggest fears was: how will I survive the sleep deprivation of a long birth?

    The universe was kind to me, because my first birth was a text book, 12h long easy birth centre water birth, I came back elated and full of joy!

    And overall, during my first year as a doula, I never had a marathon birth.

    True I supported a birth that lasted 2 nights, but as the labour ebbed and flowedĀ and we were at home for the longest part of the labour, I managed to have naps and even went home for a couple of hours, so I wasn’t beyond exhaustion.

    My first marathon birth happened about a year into my doulaing. My client waters broke with no contractions, she declined induction. So before labour started, there were a couple of interrupted nights with phone calls etc, until I eventually joined her at home 2 days later. This was followed by 40h of labour-spanning a whole week-end and 2 sleepless nights.

    I had no idea that I needed to pace myself. I had no idea inductions could last this long (I know now!), so the first night I didn’t sleep at all, and the second day I didn’t function very well at all.

    I had no idea until then how lack of sleep affects your mood for the worse. When after about 24h (it was in the middle of night) the midwife announced that she was only 4cm dilated, I had to go into another room to cry, and I beat myself up for it.

    I had no idea moods ebbed and flowed and that after the dark night of the soul (usually around 3/4 in the morning when your body temperature is at its lowest), my mood and energy would lift again.

    I had no idea I should make sure I ate and drank at regular intervals.

    I was pretty crap at looking after myself.

    By the second day I was falling asleep on the chair I was sitting on without even meaning to. And whilst I waited for them in recovery, I fell asleep on a trolley.

    When I got home after the birth, and had slept for 12h, I still felt very crap and also very weepy and again didn’t understand this was just caused by the tiredness (I felt OK about the birth).

    Since then I have attended many long births (though none were I was present for quite as long as this one). One year pretty much all the births I attended were between 24h and 37h long-which is pretty standards for first time mothers.

    So what I have learnt, and how do you look after yourself during a marathon birth as a doula? (I wrote this for my doula colleagues, but if you’re a birth partner, much of it applies too!)

    First, talk to the parents about it antenatally, so you don’t feel guilty worrying they’ll think you’re a crap doula when you take a nap. I explain (especially with first time parents) that first time births can take anything between 24h and 48h and that’s normal, and I talk about how to manage the early stages (basically try to ignore it until you can’t). I also explain that I will take naps in order to be at my best to support them, and I’ll also encourage dad to sleep too (we can tag-team). If you can’t sleep, doing some relaxation/meditation/deep breathing/ being quiet in the corner for a while will help as well. Ā This is well worth practising ahead of time as you get better at it the more you do it. And ifĀ you’re trained in energy work, like Reiki, a self treatment can really help.

    Second-pace yourself. I might go to reassure the parents in early labour, then go home, or sleep on their sofa/their spare room, during the early stages of labour. I’m also more relaxed and much better as waiting than I was in the early days-but I guess some of that just comes with experience. The good thing is, I’ve learnt to doze and sleep pretty much anywhere. It’s much easier in someone’s home by the way, where there is soft furnishing. If in the hospital, I might ask for a mat and curl up and sleep on it for a while. I fold my rebozo and use that as a pillow, and I have a nice warm shawl to use as a blanket in my bag to cover myself with. I never turn down the opportunity for a little sleep, because it can be difficult to guess how long I am likely to be there for, so I would rather prepare for the long run just in case (and mentally it’s easier to be prepared for this and then be pleasantly surprised than the other way round). Even a 20 min catnap can make a huge difference!

    Third-stay hydrated/fed. Make sure you have good nutritious snacks in your bag. Junk food won’t cut it. I have a collapsible water bottle which I fill as soon as I arrive in hospital (hospitals are very dehydrating) and I chuck a rehydration tablet in there too (I like the brand Nuun). I have some good quality nuts/dried fruit and energy bars. And some dark chocolate, and good quality instant coffee (instant coffee in hospital is vile)! Oh and when I get really tired I drink some Guronsan (a French effervescent tablet made from caffeine, sugar and vitamin C-you can buy it in the UK too. I guess it’s a bit like red bull but in a much more portable format). I also have a couple of energising rollon essential oil bottles and sprays-made by 2 doulas I love, when I use them it feels like they are kind of with me in the room giving me a hug (you can get them here). If you get the chance to go grab any kind of proper food (for me, getting something hot like soup etc hits the spot) during the birth-do that!

    Fourth-Look after your body, do some stretches, go for a walk, get some fresh air. If the birth is going on for a very long time, I get cabin fever. So going to the toilet and splashing water on my face (I go to the outside toilet even if there is an ensuite for example, so I get to stretch my legs), going for a walk, Ā getting Ā a cup of coffee (I encourage the dad to do this too), can leave you feeling refreshed. Similarly, my rebozo has also come to great use to soften stiff shoulder muscles when I have been in the same position for a long time (see my video on how to do that here)

    Fifth-be kind to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up, accept the low moods when they come (they will!), because berating yourself will waste precious energy. You’re only human and you are doing the best you can and making a huge deal of difference by just being there. If you need to exit to have a good cry, do (the toilet is a good place for that). If you can call a doula sister for a pep talk, do that.

    And finally, sometimes I worked in a shared care team with another doula-it can be absolutely priceless to be able to tag team if the birth goes on for a really looooong time.

    Remember-this isn’t selfish, because you cannot be your best at supporting parents through a long birth if you’re dehydrated, starving and exhausted. I also find it really useful to explain this to partners antenatally, because they too, tend to be crap at self care whilst supporting their partners through labour, and to worry that they are being selfish if they need a break/some food/a nap etc. Ā By explaining this and modelling this behaviour, we help them too.

    So there you go, my guide to surviving long births. It’s quite simple really. This is what works for me so far, it doesn’t mean that it necessarily will be what works for you-do experiment and find out! I would love to hear tips from others too šŸ™‚

    If this resonates with you and you’d like to work with me-head over hereĀ 

     

    PS: A comment also reminded me-although this is more likely to be the topic of the next post below, that if you are seriously sleep deprived-do try to make safe choices as to whether you are able toĀ drive home or not.

    PS: This is only half of the story-I’m planning another post called “How to recover after a long birth as a doula”