Category: choice

Today is Valentines day.

Up until a few years ago, I bought into the “romantic” idea of it.

I don’t anymore. I guess you might have got that from the title of this post already  😉

I think it ‘s a piece of commercial bullshit, and it just makes me laugh, to be honest.

The whole thing is a fake.

I’m not a sad, lonely, Valentines day pooper, envious of my coupled friends by the way, I am happily married.

But love isn’t about giving your loved one presents on a day prescribed by the cards and flowers industry.

Love is about all the normal every day things you do for each other. Love is about support when the going gets tough.

Once when I lived in Paris I had a boyfriend who was “romantic” in the sense that he wrote me love notes all the time. Like the time he wrote “I love you” on each one of my eggs in the fridge. It made my girlfriends swoon. Only when I had a bad day at work, he didn’t want to know.

It wasn’t love. It was show-off bullshit.

It was buying into the outdated idea of romantic love being ideal and all smooth and glossy.

That love is only the lovely pink fluffy time when fall in love and everything is perfect.

Having had this experience makes me appreciate my husband more. He isn’t a romantic note kind of person but he is a rock when I have wobbles, like the time he woke up at 5am to listen to me talk and hugged me whilst I cried when I came back from a long, difficult birth. That’s worth a million “I love you” eggs.

Even when I lived in Paris and still bought into the whole thing, I saw men walking home with a single rose, and it felt fake. I remember hearing a news report on the radio saying “Today is Valentines day-this is the day when your wife will be angry if you don’t come home with a rose”. That sums it up really.

I don’t buy into the idea of having to show love, to show romance, to buy stuff on a day prescribed by the industry which benefits from it. It sprouts every where: supermarkets, cards shops, flower shops, chocolate shops, the list is endless.

I don’t buy into the idea that one’s love is measured by the gift received on valentines day.

I am saddened that personal “romance validation” rests on whether one receives cards/flowers etc or not at the office.

It’s all show and no substance.

A restaurateur once told me that this is the busiest night of the year-busier even than holiday celebrations.

When I used to buy into the Valentines thing, I used to go out with my then boyfriend for evening meal. It was hard to find a table somewhere nice. I now couldn’t think of anything worse than spending the evening in a packed restaurant, “having” to be romantic, surrounded by other couples doing the same thing.

The best nights out often turn out to be spontaneous things with low expectations.

Even at my fucking gym this morning there was a “Valentine days couple retreat” massage table in the hallway, completed with flower petals and LED candles a-flickering.

And don’t get me started with all the over inflated prices of “romantic” items around this time of the year.

Talk about making a quick buck on people’s insecurities.

Give me true real life love every day, warts and all, over the glossy fake version of romantic love peddled by Valentines day and the media.

True real life love, like normal real life life, is a sinusoid curve. It’s full of highs and lows, full of tears and laughter, anger and joy. It’s not photoshopped.

It’s got wrinkles and imperfections.

It’s not always easy.

But it’s real.

I am sure I am not the only one who feels this at the moment.

We aren’t in a particularly happy space in the world right now.

I spoke to several friends recently about the doom and gloom of my Facebook feed.

Some people have chosen to give themselves a social media break as they find it is affecting their mental health.

I feel that, right now, news report should come with a health warning. There is a distinct, “oh what the fuck now?” feeling when news reports appear.

In no order of importance, in my world at the moment, issues I see the most are: The US political situation, the refugee crisis, Brexit (this affects me directly as a EU citizen), the disappearance of independent midwives, the NHS crisis, women’s rights being denied, it goes on and on.

I see a general step back of people’s rights and individual liberties.

I see a lot of anger, and fear.

I have to remind myself on the daily basis not to succumb to that fear. And sometimes I do.

But the thing is-anger and fear do not allow us to be positive forces of change.

There is an old Cherokee legend about the two wolves inside of us. It goes like this:

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.

There is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

It is a myth that being overpowering is true power. It is a myth that you can fight hate with hate.

I spent many years in my youth mistakenly seeing as powerful the people who spoke the loudest.

It took me many years to undo this belief and realise that the true source of power is kindness and respect. That true leaders lead by example and by making people feel good about themselves, not by squashing others and by using threats.

I also bought into the bullshit that one had to be “toughened up” to cope with the world.

Only, thank god, now I have read enough research on the theory of attachment to know that we ALWAYS operate from a stronger place when we have been, and are treated from a place of respect and kindness. It builds a solid core, a solid sense of self.

But we are the product of our society, a society that has a deeply entrenched beliefs that babies and children are our enemies, and that we have to “train” them to be human, less they manipulate us, become little tyrants, and we “make a rod for our own back”.

Yet, as Mia Kalef says in her book “The secret life of babies”,

“Logically, there is no possible way a child could ever dominate an adult. Think of it this way : if you have influence over what a child eats….or stays warm or cold, how could you find yourself in a “power struggle” with an infant or toddler? There is no such thing. It’s obvious who has the power”.

I believe what we see at play today is the product of a way of raising children that promotes bullying and disrespect. They say a picture is worth a thousand words-watch this powerful video called “children see children learn“.

As children grow up, and turn into adults, we see the same bullshitty power play taking place. Having been an employee for over 20 years in about 7 different organisations, I can attest that I have seen the carrot and stick approach being the norm, and I can count on less fingers than one hand how many bosses were truly trusting and empowering.

I believe that the power play of many of the world’s leaders is no more than a re-enactment of toddlers fighting over a toy. The new US leader is a prime example of this.

My generation, is, with a few exceptions, the product of this “tough love” parenting. Most of us as still working hard to reclaim a lost sense of self worth that was the result of being parented this way in infancy.

But I also believe what we see today in the world is a revolution against a society that is fundamentally sick, a bit like when our bodies create disease to make us pay attention to the fact that we aren’t looking after ourselves very well and need to rest and recover.

I also chose to believe that good will come out of that revolution. The model of the Western consumerist culture, the model that promotes the individual above all else, simply isn’t sustainable anymore.

People are waking up, and refusing to put up with it anymore.

So back to the love and fear, at this point in time, it is paramount to stay in a love state.

This doesn’t mean that we meekly accept our fate.

This doesn’t mean that we do not fight for what is right.

It means that we need to stay, and fight from a place of true power.

I have seen a lot of kind people in my field lately trying to fight those battles whilst using the very weapons used by the people they despise.

Trying to silence people who objected to their tactics by accusing them of tone policing. Good people, with a kind heart, being lead to using bullying techniques.

It doesn’t work like that.

I am in the middle of reading the most fascinating book by Susan Cain. It’s called “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”. It is a fascinating account of the over emphasis our culture puts on extrovert qualities. The book starts with the story of Rosa Parks, the African American woman who refused to give up her seat in the coloured section of a bus, sparking a revolution. Cain says :

“I had always imagined Rosa Parks as a stately woman with a bold temperament, someone who could easily stand up to a busload of glowering passengers. But when she died in 2005 at the age of ninety-two, the flood of obituaries recalled her as soft-spoken, sweet, and small in stature. They said she was “timid and shy” but had “the courage of a lion.” They were full of phrases like “radical humility” and “quiet fortitude.”

I really like the idea of quiet fortitude.

I like the idea of a gentle, but strong, grass-roots revolution.

I chose to remind myself that change starts with me.

That showing kindness to my loved ones, and the people in my close and my wider community, can have an impact beyond what I can imagine.

I chose to believe that staying in a loving, centered state, that sending love and gratitude to the difficult people in my life, to hard situations, to the anger and the resentment,  has the potential to change the world.

This is where the true power lies.

I am fuming.

At the beginning of January, and with almost no warning, the NMC (Nurse and Midwifery Council) declared IMUK (Independent Midwifes UK) insurance policy not fit for purpose.

And just like that, without warning, they put an end to independent midwifery practise in the UK.

This has left many expectant mothers who had booked them (including some who were expecting to birth within the next few days) without the support that they had chosen and paid for.

What the fuck?

Who on earth decided to made such a stupid, unconsidered decision?

Shouldn’t they have given some warning? some time for independent midwives to at least, finish provide support to the women who had booked them?

As independent midwife Virginia Howes rightfully stated, if 80 male Drs were being treated in the same way ( 2 weeks notice of not being able to work and loss of income ) an action they believed to be unlawful, by their regulator, the whole country would be up in arms.

Also the 80 independent midwives in question might represent only a small fraction of the 25 000 or so NHS midwives in the UK, BUT (and that is a big but) they represent a unique service that exists nowhere else, and will disappear if they go.

I have an interest in this at both a personal and a professional level.

On a personal level, 7 years ago for the birth of my second child, I hired independent midwives.

Why did I do this? when I gave birth to my first child 11 years ago, the NHS system was different to what it is today. Community midwives in Cambridge still had case loading midwifery, which meant that I saw the same midwife all through my pregnancy. She even came to visit me at home on a few occasions. I had her mobile number so if I had any questions I could just call her. When I went into labour she was on call so she came to support me through my birth. I got to know properly and I liked her a lot.

Fast forward 3 years later, the system had changed. Case loading was no more, replaced by team midwifery, meaning you were unlikely to see the same midwife through your pregnancy, let alone know the one who would turn up at your birth.

In the meantime I had also trained to become a doula, and was halfway through my degree as an antenatal teacher. So I knew quite a lot more than before, and the idea of having someone turn up in my birth space that I hadn’t met before (read, someone I didn’t like) didn’t sit well with me at all.

So this was the deciding factor in hiring an independent midwife. I just couldn’t leave this to chance. I had visions of an grumpy  midwife who didn’t like homebirth inventing a spurious reason to transfer me to hospital. I had kind of had a taste of this at my first birth because I didn’t like the second midwife who came to join my named midwife right at the end before my baby was born.

So we hired two fantastic independent midwives, Siobhan Taylor and Amy Cole, of Cambridge midwives. I had a doula too. My husband took some convincing due to the costs, and at times I wondered if this was a little bit too indulgent. But, trust me, your birth is a very important day in your life, which is probably going to impact the rest of your life in a more significant way than your wedding day. Yet if it was your wedding day you wouldn’t think “I can’t have a honeymoon/flowers/cake since I already have a venue and a caterer” right?

Siobhan and Amy came to do all the antenatal care at my house. We got to know each other over many 2h long appointments. I developed a deeply trusting relationship with them. The respect was mutual. They respected and supported my choices. There never was a fight or dispute over my choices. It was wonderful. It was relaxed, warm and friendly. Most importantly, it meant that I was really looking forward to seeing them during my labour AND that I was completely trusting of their support. If they had said we needed to go to hospital, I would have trusted them completely. Together with my doula, Maddie McMahon, they provided the most supportive and seamless birth team ever. It was a wonderful, life affirming experience and worth every penny.

Now compare this to what women get today: they rarely see the same midwife twice during their pregnancy. Most appointments are a rushed, 10 min box ticking affair, where there is no time to ask them how they are feeling for example. They have no named midwife, and when they leave a message on the answer phone of the practise, it doesn’t get picked up until 8am the next day (I tell my clients to always call the hospital if it is urgent).  And course, when they go into labour, they have no idea who they are going to meet, and whether they will get on with them or not (I also tell my clients that they can ask for another midwife if they do not get on with the one assigned to them). I also know that this system is also something many midwifes also dislike very much, because it stops them from working in a way that is fulfilling for them too. As Milli Hill said in her recent article, it is “cattle care”.

On a professional level I am completely irate at the idea of choice being taken away from women. And having supported women who hired independent midwifes, I know how much of a difference it makes to them too.

Evidence demonstrates without a shadow of a doubt that continuity of care is safer for women, as well as being more satisfactory. The Cochrane database review concluded that

” This review suggests that women who received midwife-led continuity models of care were less likely to experience intervention and more likely to be satisfied with their care with at least comparable adverse outcomes for women or their infants than women who received other models of care.”

So how does removing the rights of independent midwives to practise will affect women?

First of all, right now, across the UK, there are women who had booked independent midwives and paid for their services, and are left with no other choice than to go back to the NHS.

I can only imagine how devastated they are.

Only last week I supported a mum through a homebirth. The mum in question had had a horrible experience during her previous birth. She was treated such an appalling callous manner, that she has made a formal complaint against the hospital. Of course she then didn’t want to go back to that hospital. And because she also knew that with the current homebirth service being pared down to its bare bones she was running the risk that nobody would be available to come and support her at home, she hired an independent midwife. She had a beautiful, peaceful , healing birth at home, with the kindest, gentlest most respectful support. Luckily for her, she birthed 20h before the time that the NMC announced as a cut off date after which independent midwives wouldn’t be able to support women during labour anymore. Can you imagine how she would have felt if she had birthed only 1 day later? The independent midwife was also beside herself with stress whilst facing the prospect that she may not be able to support this mum.

It is similarly devastating for the 80 or so independent midwifes who are left with the option of not doing the job they loved and trained for, or to return to work within the NHS. I can’t see many wanting to return to the NHS because the very reasons most became independent was because they wanted to provide a different model of care to the one currently in existence within the NHS (namely, one to one midwifery and continuity of care). It most likely means that, in a system that is already stretched beyond belief, we will lose yet more midwives.

Beside making the situation intolerable for women who had booked them, it also drastically diminishing women’s birth choices and options for now and for the future.

It means that, for example, a woman who had a traumatic experience within the NHS will have no other choice but returning to the same hospital/trust care, or to birth alone It means that women whose pregnancy or birth choices fall “outside the guidelines”,  for example, women over 40 with their first baby, or women wanting to wait for labour to start naturally after 42 weeks pregnancy, women who are “too old”, “too big”, too or not enough whatever constitutes low risk within the forever tighter NHS guidelines, especially if they want to birth at home, will now find it almost impossible to find someone to support their choice without having a massive fight on their hands.

It means that women who do not trust the NHS system will probably chose to birth alone (Birthing alone is completely legal in the UK-and a choice some women make, because it feels right for them -but I feel very strongly that women choosing to birth alone should do it out of positive choice, not out of fear).

Ultimately it this lack of choice is neither safe nor desirable.

It means that many mothers planning a homebirth won’t be able to find a midwife to support them, because some trusts have stopped providing homebirth support and many other trust have reduced the service so much that many times no midwives are available to support women at home. I have written about this before.

It means that we will lose a lot of skills and experience from these amazing independent midwives. For example the only midwifes I know who are confident supporting a breech vaginal birth at independent midwives.

This just isn’t right.

So what can we do to help?

Write to the NMC-birthrights have written them a letter which you can use as a template

Write to your MP, and to Jeremy Hunt, Secretary of State for Health.

Sign this petition

Fill this survey

Join the “save the midwife” alliance -they also have template letters to write to the NMC, your MP etc.

Share this blog and help raise awareness of this situation.