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Category: ADHD

ADHD hacks: the tricks I use to overcome procrastination and actually get sh*t done
Since I got diagnosed with ADHD last year, one of the most positive aspects is that I’ve stopped beating myself up about certain things I’ve never been good at. For example, I’ve finally come to terms with the fact that I cannot function at my best without external accountability.
How I create accountability for myself
When I work for clients it’s easy. I love to help people and to be of service. To help someone I can research things endlessly, and it feels both purposeful and effortless. However, making things happen in my business on a day to day basis, in particular back of house stuff like updating my website, or endless admin tasks, is very difficult for me to do. I procrastinate often, and the undone tasks weigh on my mind.
Over the last few years, I’ve learnt to create external deadlines for serving people. For example, I regularly create webinars or courses, then I’m in the energy of service and it makes everything much easier to do, even doing the many admin tasks that go with it.
But I cannot create this for myself every single day. However, since exploring what ADHD is about, I learnt why body doubling is extremely helpful for neurodivergent people to overcome getting challenging tasks done.
Using body doubling/co-working apps
For the last 3 years I have used Focusmate, a coworking app that connects you via video to people across the world, where you spend a couple of minutes speaking your intentions for the session, and then co-working silently whilst remaining on video, so you have external accountability. Business mentor George Kao introduced me to this app in 2021. I was sceptical at first, but I tried the free 3 sessions per week, and it made such a difference to my work that week that I immediately signed up (it’s only about $5 a month). I’ve been using it ever since, and my review of 2023 from the app tells me that I did 233 sessions with 210 partners from 41 different countries. I’ve met some pretty cool people in the process too.
Focusmate explains how it works:
“Body doubling is working on any task with another person present, without them participating in your task. The presence (in real life or virtual) of another person who is also trying to focus on their own task helps you stay on track and get things done. Additionally, it boosts your motivation, making the task at hand more enjoyable and achievable.”
In late 2023 I was awarded an Access to work Grant, which is a government grant to support people with disabilities (more on that in a different post). As part of my grant I got introduced to another co-working app called Flown. When it was suggested by the disability agency supporting me through my grant application, I did not see the point at first as I was getting on really well with Focusmate. However, I decided to give it a try and I’m really glad I did. Flown is a completely different ball game, because the sessions are group based and facilitated by paid facilitators. And contrary to Focusmate which only offers 25 or 50 min focus sessions, Flown has sessions ranging from 30 min to 2h. I like the 2h session, and often use 2 of these in the morning, which is my best time to focus on deep work. There also seems to be more Europeans on Flown, because it’s based in the UK, which means more sessions available when I prefer to work.
Flown is more expensive than Focusmate, but it’s soo worth it. Last week I attended a review of the month for January within the app. Within an hour, I’d reviewed January AND planned what I needed to do in February, and it was super easy and fun. I’ve always had resistance to doing this, and in the past I used to pay £50 a month to be within a group where a similar session was facilitated.
Flown costs from £20 a month (£15 if you pay yearly, and you can even get lifetime membership which is what I got). You can try it for a month for free, and if you choose to join, you can use my affiliate link to get 20% off).
Small business accountability groups
The above helps with day to day stuff (and I’ve seen that Flown even offers review of the year sessions), but for the overall business planning/goals, and growing my business, I’ve learnt that I do better within a small group container run by a business coach.
I’m working with a new business coach this year called Caroline Leon. I decided to switch after 3 years working with another amazing business mentor called George Kao. There were several reasons for this: George is in the US and the sessions were late in the day for my liking ( I’m a morning person and focus much better early in the day). I also wanted to work within a smaller group.
By taking part in small group coaching in the past, I’ve learnt that I achieve better results within the container of a small group of people. In early 2023 I was inside such a small group with healer Rebecca Wright, and I had the most successful financial month that I’d had since I started self employment 11 years ago. So I knew that, if I was going to grow my business, I needed to invest in such a group.
I took Caroline’s business planning workshop in December to see if I liked her. It was affordable at £50, and I really liked her approach. I’ve been in her mastermind group since the January and I’m liking her approach, the pace of the work, and the type of people she attracts (heart based solopreneurs like me,). The group is full of coaches, massage therapists and healers. I love Caroline’s no nonsense bottom up approach (for example the first task she’s encouraged us to do is to draft an ideal weekly working schedule- something I’ve dabbled in doing but still felt resistance to because it makes me feel constrained). The fact is that, if we do not decide what we want to prioritise in our business, then our clients often dictate it for us.
Thanks to Caroline and a co-working session we did this week, for the first time in 11 years I’ve created a rough business plan for this year. I’ve written down how much I plan to earn AND broken down each of my offerings and how much of the income each one will represent. I made a mind map drawing about it using water colours- because I find using a creative process helps me put some fun in tasks that I otherwise find dry and difficult to do.
Over the last 3 years my main source of income has been my online courses, but this year I also want to offer one to one mentoring for women through life transitions, in a doula style model (working with me for a minimum of 3 months with regular calls) , and also start offering a small group program. I’ll be offering taster sessions at a reduced cost soon and also running free interviews about the group program, so feel free to message me to register interest if you would be interested in taking part in these.
The above covers the practical stuff, and I want to mention the emotional stuff as well.
Managing emotions
Procrastination is about emotions, and feeling discomfort about starting something we don’t want to do (overwhelm being a common issue for ADHD people). So addressing the emotions is an important part of the equation. A couple of years ago I took a course called Doodle your emotions, and it gave me an amazing tool to coach myself through difficult emotions.
Here’s an example of a doodle I made when I did not want to start a task and it felt overwhelming. It took me all of 10 minutes to shift the discomfort and finally get started.
Now, with my access to work grant I’m getting ADHD coaching all year for free as well which I know will make an enormous difference. My coach will hopefully help me understand my emotions and put things in place to overcome challenges.
Emotional dysregulation is a big part of being neurodivergent, and when running a business, you cannot fix this with systems that tackle the “doing” without tackling what’s doing on inside. I spent years for example thinking that if I found the right planning diary (I bought many different ones) all my business and procrastination problems would be solved. Not only it never worked, but it also contributed to feelings of inadequacy and shame.
Changing consciousness and mood with drumbeats
I’m writing a book about how drumming supports women through birth and life transitions, in my research for it I’ve found drummer Jeff Strong. He’s got ADHD and in his book, Different Drummer, he describes how certain drum rhythms can positively affect both mood and focus. I signed up for the free trial of his app, Brain Stim Audio, this week and the results are amazing. It feels as effective as taking ADHD meds for me. And this is from someone who normally cannot work to music because it distracts me too much.
Giving myself permission to rest
Finally, some days I’m just not feeling it and I’ve learnt that, when I resist my body’s need for rest (I still find it challenging to do this, as I carry some shame about not being productive all of the time), I pay the price dearly, because what happens is that I don’t achieve anything and I also don’t give myself the permission to rest. Then I feel crappy & annoyed at myself. I first learnt about it when I was still having a predictable menstrual cycle (link to blog), and then more recently (other blog).
I call it a f*ck it day. When I give myself the gift of rest, I often rebound very quickly afterwards, whereas when I don’t do that, the low energy often drags on for days.
Does any of this resonate? Do you find overcoming procrastination challenging? What have you found helpful? Please comment below.
February 9, 2024
Drumming a New Path: My Journey of Healing and Growth in 2023
Last year nearly broke me. Join me as I reflect on an epic battle for my child, my own mental health hurdles and ADHD discovery, and how making a drum unlocked deep healing, purpose and exciting new ventures. This is a story of overcoming obstacles through surrender and belief in my ability to steer life’s challenges into growth and meaning. From family struggles to launching a podcast and book, I’m opening up about my most challenging and transformative year yet. If you’ve ever felt lost or close to giving up, only to discover you’re far more powerful than you realised, this one’s for you.
When I look back at 2023, I feel mostly glad that the year is over and that I’m starting anew. Last year carried a lot of discomfort for me. It was healing but also painful. The coming year feels much more hopeful – it really has a new beginning feel. There were many positive things for me and my family in 2023, but mostly, because things had improved so much from where we were, I found myself grieving and finally processing the hard challenges I’d had to cope with in the previous couple of years.
My family/personal life:
2023 started on a dark note for me as my youngest child was still struggling with severe mental health issues, hadn’t been in school for 18 months, and had anxiety so severe they could barely leave the house. Early in the year I battled the local authority to secure funding (EHCP) for the small, holistic specialist school I knew was the only right fit, and key for recovery and healing. It was an epic fight. I had a private advocate’s help but it took months of paperwork, assessments, school visits, report writing and constant chasing. The underfunded, understaffed medical and education systems threw up roadblocks at every turn, but after nearly 18 months we won. It was worth the battle, and I’d do it all over again for my child, but I found it physically, mentally and emotionally exhausting, and soul crushing. I got diagnosed with ADHD last year (more on that later), and one of the issues with ADHD is finding tedious admin tasks REALLY difficult to do. If you want a flavour of what I experienced, read this graphic story about a mother battling getting support for her child with ADHD. It describes the French system but it’s very similar to my experience.
When the letter came a few weeks later saying we had been successful, I thought I would feel elated, but instead, I felt war torn and weary, like had been a warrior for a long time, and I was finally putting down my armour, sword and shield. I felt exhausted. I booked a much needed family holiday to celebrate, and to act as a transition before my child started in the new school. But then I got a kidney stone, spent an awful night in A&E begging for pain relief, fainted and gave myself a concussion. Rather than the holiday I’d planned, I spent a week in bed, wallowing in self-pity.
In April my child started the new school, which was nurturing and supportive beyond my hopes. Three months in, my once housebound child happily went on a residential school trip. I also successfully applied for Disability Living Allowance, which opened up benefits that made attending certain events less stressful for my child. Over the last 3 years I’ve worked with therapists and coaches to stay regulated despite my child’s mental health crises, which used to unravel me. Recently, as my child had an anxiety attack on an outing, I was able to help her re-regulate in minutes. My own regulation was key.
After the school win, I collapsed, my body giving out after so much chronic stress and survival mode. My health crashed. I was only up for walking my dog and resting and my mood was terrible. My coach invited me for a free restorative yoga session, reminding me my nervous system was fried. She helped me realise that, while perimenopause played a role, there was a lot more going on. Though I’d sworn off medications, she explained that I could try HRT without committing long-term. I also reached out to holistic menopause mentor Kate Codrington, who shared that some of her clients used HRT to give themselves the space they need to get more holistic practices in place. Shortly afterwards, I started HRT, and within a couple of weeks I noticed a huge difference in my mood, energy and sleep. Whereas before I felt crippled with anxiety, woke up several times a night with night sweats (which would then trigger anxiety that would keep me awake), and felt completely exhausted, I started sleeping better, feeling calmer and more positive, and having more energy. From that calmer vantage point I was able to look at my life and start putting more positive steps in place.
I also got an ADHD diagnosis, which explained my paralysis around boring tasks, but hyperfocus when excited. With support, I applied for and secured an Access to Work grant for coaching, decluttering help and more. With all this support in place, I’m sure that my life and business are going to improve massively this year. Getting my older child assessed for ADHD and autism was also a big step. We await the final diagnosis this month.
ADHD is a paradoxical beast. When I get excited about something, my productivity is off the scale (I wrote my first book in 6 months, and wait until you read my work achievements below), and I finally understand why people keep asking me how I do all these things. Whilst exciting things are effortless, boring or difficult tasks can feel insurmountable, and I can procrastinate for months on end, whilst constantly thinking about the task I’m not doing and beating myself up about it.
My work life in 2023:
From mid-2022 to March 2023 I had to pause my work to support my child and attend constant medical appointments and tutoring. But with my online courses ticking over, I still managed to keep my business afloat.
When my child restarted school after so long, I found myself having more time to dedicate to my business again. I had stopped working as a doula a year before, and I felt frustrated that the next “calling” wasn’t still showing itself. Looking back I can see that there just wasn’t the space in my life for it before. But now that space was available I grew impatient and frustrated. Kanan helped me get out of this stuckness by reminding me that often we don’t know what works until we try. She asked me what would excite me and I said teaching drumming to support birth, but I worried this was too niche.
In a bid to get myself space to heal and spend time in nature doing stuff I loved, I booked onto Melonie Syrett (aka The Drum Woman) sacred women drum circle facilitator training. I booked this for myself as a retreat because I knew that spending 4 days immersed in sacred work on the land, in peace, away from the hustle and bustle and needs for daily life, would do me a lot of good. The training delivered this and more. I spent 4 days camping at the Clophill Centre, immersed in nature. The weather was glorious and we spent our time inside an roundhouse, or in the woods or meadows. It was everything I had hoped for and more. My nervous system calmed right down. It was very healing.
During the training I made a beautiful drum, created with the intention to lead drum circles. When you make a drum it carries the medicine of what you went through when you crafted it. We spent time with each hide asking it if it was the right one for our drum. When it came to the lacing, she explained that those of us who liked things to be perfect could consider making a messy drum. I remember thinking: I don’t want my drum to be messy! But my hide had other ideas. I hadn’t realised how hard it would be to work with horse hide. As the hide was so thick, I had to keep cutting bigger holes for the lacing and then passing the lacing through them was very time consuming. By the time most people had finished their drum, I was only a quarter of the way through with mine. We worked inside a marquee and it was 30 degrees outside and I was sweating profusely. I found it challenging and uncomfortable. In the end I had to finish my drum alone in the evening, 3h behind everyone else. But I wouldn’t stop or give up until I was done. My tenacity making this drum was the same quality I had used through the fight to get my child support. In the making of this drum I also had to let go of control and surrender to some aspects of it that didn’t fit with my original plan. This was another deep lesson I had over the last couple of years, to learn to surrender, when before my default setting was to try and control everything when things got difficult.
When my new drum was dry and ready to play a few days later, I did a guided journey to meet his spirit. He told me that its name was mountain rider and that its medicine was to help overcome obstacles. The drum’s medicine kicked things into hyperdrive. I offered a free webinar about drumming for birth and 100 people signed up. I then decided to offer a course to teach people how to drum during birth. When I started researching the topic of drumming and birth I realised that almost nobody had written about this. This made me incredibly excited because I am a pioneer at heart and there I was in really new territory, and one that also made use of my science and spirituality bridging gift.
I was contacted by the International journal of birth and parent education (IJBPE) to write an article about drumming and birth. This was the first time in history that something about this topic was published in a scientific journal. I taught a group of women from 6 different countries how to use the drum to support birth. I wrote 6 blog posts about drumming. I made a drum from amniotic membranes. I ran drum circles and wrote case studies for my course, reflecting and refining my skills and gaining appreciation for what I did.
I decided to write a book about drumming and supporting women through life transitions, approached a new publisher, wrote 6 chapters in a month to meet the submission deadline, and the project was accepted. I started a podcast, The Wisdom Messenger, to share the wisdom of trailblazing women bridging science and spiritual knowledge. I gave a talk about the science of drumming at the first convention of women drummers and makers. I also wrote another article about drumming and birth for the Green Parent magazine, which is coming out this month, and I’m leading a drum journey workshop at the IJBPE conference in April.
Beside the above, in 2023 I also:
- I kept my business going and whilst my income dropped a little, it was still steady
- I launched a new online course about drumming for birth, bringing my total number of courses to 6.
- Over 100 new students joined my courses, bringing my total number of students to nearly 800, from 30 different countries.
- I ran 3 in person courses (including a rebozo course for NHS midwives)
- I taught 4 webinars, the most popular one was attended over 200 people
- I ran monthly drum circles
- I did 20 individual healing sessions (Reiki, Drumming, Closing the bones)
- I supported 3 births (I’m not a doula anymore but when people get in touch for help or friends give birth, I simply cannot leave them without support)
- I published 25 blog posts and over 200 posts on social media.
- I was interviewed on several podcasts, and invited to lead sessions in other people’s courses
- I started reviewing the French translation of my book, Why postnatal recovery matters, which is being published this year.
A lot of this success was due to having worked with authentic marketing coach George Kao.
My spiritual/healing/growth work:
Falling apart starts a death and rebirth process, where we rebuild from the ashes. This has been true for me. The pain provoked proportional healing and growth. My need to understand and better myself continued. I worked with a neurodivergent coach for 9 months and also had human design and MAP sessions. I tried some talking therapies but found the Western approach too cognitive and rushed. A more integrative, somatic approach resonates more. I continued microdosing plant medicine. It helps me identify and change unhelpful thought patterns.
I carried on with my weekly dawn woods drum circles with my 2 drum sisters. This feels very sacred and the space for deep sharing afterwards is precious. As a friend who shared her drum story with me said “Drumming is like church, but better”. Deepening my nature connection through year-round cold water swimming, daily dog walks and wheel of the year ceremonies brought me grounding and joy.
I listened to countless audiobooks and podcasts about growth. Some of my favourite books were:
- How to be the love you seek by Nicole LePera
- Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer
- Radical Wholeness by Philip Shepherd
- Entangled life by Merlin Sheldrake
- The soul of money by Lynne Twist
- How to keep house whilst drowning by KC Davies
- Your brain’s not broken by Tamara Rosier
In conclusion
This has been an uncomfortable year, and also one of tremendous learning and growth. This is the year where I have started healing from the challenges I had in previous years, the beginning of a journey into becoming a happier, more whole self. 2024 truly feels like a new beginning for me, a year where I can really focus on growing myself, growing my business and helping others do the same.
My word of the year for 2022 was Expansion (in last year’s blog post there is a link for a word of the year meditation). My word for the year in 2024 is Guidance.
Someone shared this poem with me at a retreat last week and it feels apt:
For a New Beginning
by John O’Donohue
In out-of-the-way places of the heart,
Where your thoughts never think to wander,
This beginning has been quietly forming,
Waiting until you were ready to emerge.
For a long time it has watched your desire,
Feeling the emptiness growing inside you,
Noticing how you willed yourself on,
Still unable to leave what you had outgrown.
It watched you play with the seduction of safety
And the gray promises that sameness whispered,
Heard the waves of turmoil rise and relent,
Wondered would you always live like this.
Then the delight, when your courage kindled,
And out you stepped onto new ground,
Your eyes young again with energy and dream,
A path of plenitude opening before you.
Though your destination is not yet clear
You can trust the promise of this opening;
Unfurl yourself into the grace of beginning
That is at one with your life’s desire.
Awaken your spirit to adventure;
Hold nothing back, learn to find ease in risk;
Soon you will be home in a new rhythm,
For your soul senses the world that awaits you.
January 12, 2024
Riding the phoenix: Navigating Perimenopause, ADHD, and Emotional Rollercoasters.
If you follow me you’ll know that I’ve navigated more than my fair share of challenges over the last couple of years.
I’ve supported one of my children through severe mental health issues, I’ve navigated the ups and downs of perimenopause, and I discovered that I have ADHD (I got formally diagnosed a couple of weeks ago and I plan to write another post about this). It’s not been an easy time to say the least. When I look back I can see that I’ve experienced chronic stress for 2 years.
And yet, I also want to know that these challenges are somewhat linked and have all the hallmarks of a rite of passage. And that, despite the challenges, I already know that when I fully come out the other side, I will be happier than I was before. In my case, the growth has been commensurate with the level of pain.
A couple of weeks ago I attended a talk about ADHD and women. One graph in particular drew my attention. It showed the peaks and troughs of hormones during perimenopause. It looked like this:
The messy ups and downs of hormones in the middle made me think: no wonder my world is in chaos. The chaos isn’t just outside of me, it’s inside as well! It reminded me of my experience of puberty, and also of the first few weeks of postpartum (where I also had big emotional ups and downs, and terrible night sweats). The messy hormone curve has all the hallmarks of a rite of passage, where there is no solid ground beneath your feet, where you no longer know who you are, where you have to face the scariest monsters, and where who you were, literally, has to die, to give birth to the new you.
Added to that, over the last year, my ADHD symptoms increased to a level that has made daily life very difficult. I felt constantly overwhelmed, because within 5 min of getting up I would see ALL THE THINGS that needed doing, and be unable to prioritise them. For example I’d start making coffee, then see that the dishwasher needed emptying, and on the way to that, that the dog’s water bowl needed refilling, that the recycling bin needs emptying, and I would start each task without finishing it, moving to the next and so on. This video illustrates the issue so well! I was aware that I was doing this, but unable to stop myself. I also got woken up several times a night, with night sweats and a racing heart. This would trigger anxiety, as I worried about all the things I wasn’t doing, this would often keep me awake for an hour or more. I would then wake at 5am with the anxiety mindset, and would not be able to go back to sleep So on top of the low mood, anxiety and overwhelm, I also felt exhausted. How I’ve managed to keep the wheels on my small one woman self-employed business is unbelievable.
I truly believe that everything is linked. There is evidence that the hormonal changes of perimenopause exacerbates the symptoms of ADHD. It certainly was the case for me, as my symptoms didn’t become unmanageable until last year. However, since I started reading about neurodivergence and discovered I have ADHD, when I look back, these symptoms had been rising steadily since I started my perimenopause journey in 2012.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but I feel that one of the big issues is that we no longer have rites of passages accompanying huge life changes. Just like puberty or becoming a mother, perimenopause is completely unsupported from a community and spiritual point of view, and seen only through a pathological lens.
Over the last year, on many occasions, I have felt such empathy for what I describe happens to new mothers, in my book, Why Postnatal Recovery Matters. The need for community support, for rest, for good food (provided by others), and for nourishing bodywork have felt so relevant. I have felt such longing for this myself, and often fantasised about what my life would be if I lived in a close knit community of women. I believe the same needs apply during the perimenopause, as well as during any other big life transition times. We simply cannot do it alone.
When we no longer have the support of our community to help us navigate big life transitions, we suffer. When our culture is blind to the need for support during these times, unable to see it for the transformation that it is AND when our culture also depicts the transition in negative terms only, then we are completely lost at sea.
To ride those big transitions, we need to be supported by groups of people who have experienced them, and who can support us through it from a place of gentle understanding and holding. Sadly, the generations before us have also lost this knowledge too, and there is therefore very little holding available. Nobody even remembers that it is a thing!
Even deep into the depth of the challenges, I felt that the discomfort, the stripping, were all clearing me for something new. times for the last year or so, as I’ve had to undergo more growth, at a faster rate than I’ve ever had in my life. I already feel how much spaciousness, openness and tolerance this growth has given me. It’s made me aware of unhelpful patterns in my brain, and as I am aware of them, I am no longer run by them. Starting microdosing was instrumental in this, and so did working with a neurodivergent coach.
This doesn’t mean that there hasn’t been deep pain and a desire to escape it all. As I write this I am aware that a lot of the pain, as it was in those first few weeks of motherhood, stems from wanting my life to be like it was before. The pain is caused by resistance, and by a desire to run away from the pain. When I sink into it, when I stop fighting it, it’s never as bad as I feared.
But, similarly to the fact that I, and many of the new mothers I have supported as a doula, struggle to adjust to the slower pace of new motherhood and often run themselves ragged by trying to do all the things they did before had a baby (I’ve heard some many new mothers say “I’m not doing anything”), so too does my pain stems from refusing my body’s demand for slowness and rest (which I know is easier said than done as a busy mother of special needs children, but still: the deepest pressure was the one I created myself)
In the book Second Spring, Kate Codrington talks about the possibility of a menopause gap year. Since the beginning of my perimenopause 10 years ago, I have longed on many occasions to run away from the demands of family life, and entertained dreams of living in a commune of midlife women, tending the land and doing simple crafts. I have longed for peace, and for a slower pace of life, connected to the land and to a community of like minded people.
I think that’s where the lack of support from society has been the hardest. How on earth are we supposed to pause, to find space for peace and rest, in the midst of the demands of family life in the Western world? I also cannot help but wonder if motherhood later in life (my children were born when I was 35 and 39 and I’m 53 as I write this), means that I have teenagers, when ideally by now they would have already flown the nest and I wouldn’t need to provide so much care?
If we lived in tribal society, or at least in medium sized communities of people who knew each other, then I imagine that 1) there would be elders who would understand, help understand, and support the process 2) the chores and demands of family life would be shared, this would lighten the load AND meet the needs for human connection, making this time feel easier on so many levels.
Instead of the support, not only have I had to undergo the transition with neither map nor support, but the added mental health challenges of my child have made an already difficult time unbearable. It’s perhaps no wonder that, now that I am finally out of a deep crisis and survival, my body has collapsed.
The thing is, you cannot “cure” the rite of passage. You just have to go through it, whether you like it or not. My tunnel has been long and dark and every time I thought I was finally due a break, something worse happened instead.
In March we got the news that the funding for my youngest child to attend the small nurturing specialist school I spent 2 years fighting for, was successful. Instead of feeling better, my system crashed. I spent a night in A&E in the worst pain I had ever experienced, and a CT scan showed a kidney stone. I then concussed myself because I fainted due to the pain and hit my head, and had to spend a week in bed instead of going on the beautiful, much overdue holiday I had booked for my family to celebrate. Then for most of April, I felt the worst mood swings, tearfulness and exhaustion I had ever felt. I would go to bed at 8h30 and still waking up tired. I felt joyless. I became so tired and fed up with feeling like this. I desperately needed space to breathe, and feel like my normal self again. I longed for peace and calm.
I recently got diagnosed with ADHD, but even with the right to choose route, I am now on a 6 month waiting list before I can start titration (and I’m not sure ADHD drugs are something I want to take for the rest of my life either, having tried some already, read about this here). My GP ordered a bunch of blood tests, and suggested I try HRT. My first response to this was a complete no, because I feel that using drugs that put a lid on symptoms doesn’t resolve the underlying issue. My instinct also told me that they may prevent the spiritual development that goes with the drop in hormones.
However, over the last 10 years I’ve tried many different holistic approaches (and one less holistic): I’ve worked with 2 herbalists, I’ve tried CDB oil and many other supplements, meditation, acupuncture, homeopathy, family constellations, counselling, coaching, EFT, MAP, microdosing, antidepressants, emotion doodling, and more forms of bodywork and healing that I care to count (somatic massage, thai massage, reflexology, osteopathy, lomi-lomi, bowen, Rolfing, TRE, sound healing, Reiki, and more). They all provided some healing and some respite, but I was now in a place where none of these holistic approaches seemed to be enough anymore.
I also developed regular weekly nurturing practices (all of which I can now see are dopamine raising activities), such as wild swimming, drumming in nature, and 5thythms dancing. When I started doing these, and a for a few years, they had a deep transformative effect on my wellbeing, and brought me calm and joy. Today, they still sustain me, and are an important part of my wellbeing, but somehow aren’t enough to keep me in a place of trust and peace.
I had a chat with my neurodivergent coach, and she said that I wasn’t just coping with the menopause but with a lot of other challenges at the same time. She said that I could try HRT and see if it worked for me, and this was useful as I think I felt that it was all or nothing. In 2022 I tried antidepressants and hated it, and I thought this might be worth a try, at least to know if it helped or not.
In my typical fashion (thank you ADHD hyperfocus!) I researched HRT deeply prior to the appointment with my GP to discuss it. I joined groups, I read books and articles, I spoke to a lot of people. One of my fears was that it would stop me from undergoing the spiritual development that comes with the menopause. I reached out to menopause mentor Kate Codgrinton, as I’m reading her book, Second Spring. When I mentioned my concerns, she said that some women found that the HRT sometimes helped their spiritual growth, giving them more time and space to put helpful practices in place in their lives. In Second Spring there is a section about HRT, and it fits with what I believe. Menopause, Kate says, is a caterpillar to butterfly process. The hormones support can help you stay a strong caterpillar but not support you to become a butterfly. Reading this, I realised that I needed to be a strong caterpillar for my family at the moment.
My fears alleviated, I decided to give HRT a try. I started taking it last week after researching the different forms (I choose to have the estrogen gel and micronised progesterone. I particularly like Dr Newson’s prescription guide to HRT). I could feel a difference within 3 days of starting the estrogen gel, with improved mood, sleep, and energy.
Just as I’d hoped, a week on, not only do I feel calmer and happier and have more energy, I also have enough spaciousness inside of me to start looking at my life and putting things into place to feel better. I spoke to my coach about things I could do to improve my mental health and she suggested I make a jar with activities I can do when I feel low. She said when you feel stressed you cannot think. I made the jar there and then (when before the idea of having another task filled me with dread), and I was surprised by the list of ideas I wrote (once I got going I realised that I had a lot more ideas than I thought. You can find my list below.
The re-regulating / grounding jar list
- Go for a walk (with the dog)
- Cuddle/play with the dog
- 5 min dancing (Use Tankwa Town track which is like a a short 5rhythms wave Daniel’s joik track, or the Double Touch track depending on mood and need)
- Craft something (even if only for 5 min)
- Doodle how I’m feeling (draw a person with thought bubbles)
- Go to the river (swim or just contemplate)
- Sensate break (10 min)
- Self Reiki (10 min)
- Drum (10 min)
- Rebozo self massage (5 min)
- Meditate (5 min)
- Breathe slowly (5 min)
- Smudge myself and/or my space
- Sway hips (5 min)
- Breathe against a wrapped rebozo
- Notice things I can see, smell, hear
- 5 min gratitude (think, write, or speak)
- Take some rescue remedy sweets (easier to consume mindfully)
- Diffuse or sniff uplifting or calming essential oil blend
- Walk bare feet on the earth
- Touch trees/plants
If you want to create one for yourself, feel free to be inspired by my ideas, but make sure you add stuff that works for your unique self too. And remember that, if you pick a paper in the jar and you don’t like it, you can put it back and choose something else!
Time will tell if it works, but writing the list uplifted me, as I realised I have more options/knowledge than I thought, and I also noticed that these activities are more likely to work for me than a list written by a stranger. You’ll notice that a lot of the activities are short. This is because when I feel low, I have resistance to doing anything, and I’m more likely to want to do something that takes 5 min than 20. Incorporating micro habits like this in my life feels do-able. And more importantly, it also feels like something that can bring restoration to my life in real ways, rather than waiting for something that takes a couple of hours like a massage.
I hope you find this useful and helpful if you are experiencing similar challenges. I would love to hear about your experience.
May 18, 2023
Unseen Brilliance: ADHD, Witnessing Your Gifts, and Empowering Others to See Theirs
Last week, I got diagnosed with ADHD (more on that in a future post), and I also taught a webinar about closing the bones, as well as a 2 day face to face closing the bones workshop.
It was the first time I taught this course in person for a couple of years. It gave me a lot of space for reflection. I reflected about how much I’ve grown, but mostly, about how much love and effort I put in everything I do, and how I wasn’t able to see this until now, because when things come to me easily, I tend to take them for granted.
If, like me, you tend to be blind to your gifts, and focus mostly on what you are not doing, I hope this post will be helpful. I’ll also suggest practical ways to change this.
This is different from impostor syndrome, something I have managed to tame over the years, but something I also know is common, because I saw it in the doulas I mentored over the year, and I see it in my students all the time.
Listening to an episode of the ADHD for Smart Ass Women, I learnt that people with ADHD tend to have an “angry neighbour” inner critic, as they cannot quite access the “friendly butler” voice of the prefrontal cortex. People with ADHD often also have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which is different from impostor syndrome. I plan to write something to disentangle the two in the future.
It is an ongoing practice for me, to undo years of pattern in my brain. It’s only since I’ve been consciously focusing on this that I have become aware of how much of a perfectionist I am, and how my inner voice is a harsh critic.
From 2016 to 2020, I taught at least a couple of workshops per month, travelling up and down the UK, and sometimes abroad. The pandemic and changing family circumstances led me to start offering my teaching as online courses (5 so far). Whilst I am delighted to have over 600 students from many different countries, and grateful for this as a source of income, there is something about teaching face to face and being in ceremonial space with like minded women that brings me unparalleled joy.
Because I hadn’t taught this workshop for a while, I finally got a full measure of how much effort I put into this work, and I decided to write about it.
Here’s the prep I did for the workshop:
- I rewrote the entire course handouts, to keep it up to date, and because I had recently reshot all of the course tutorial videos with a professional photographer. My handout is designed for students to have something to fall back on: a description, picture, and video tutorial of each of the techniques, as well as a description by an osteopath about what they do on the body. I have been to many trainings, including with people a lot more famous than me, and I have never come across anyone else who provides such a detailed handout.
- I printed all the handouts for my students, on premium paper, then placed each of them inside a folder.
- I rewrote my entire teaching plan (because I’ve learnt new things and I want to share them).
- I packed all my kit for teaching
- I’m someone who likes to bring ALL THE THINGS. I have always been. So when I pack for teaching (this was true ten years ago when I taught antenatal classes, or even when I taught free babywearing drop in clinics), it’s BIG. Packing takes the most part of a day before the workshop. It’s harder and more time consuming to do now as my ADHD brain (I didn’t get severe symptoms until I hit the perimenopause), finds it hard to organise things and gets sidetracked and overwhelmed (this video illustrates this issue very well).
- The teaching kit includes a lot of rebozos (some for practising, some for selling), some blankets a pelvis, altar items, a drum, a bluetooth speaker and essential oil diffuser, smudge and oils, some flowers for the altar, teas, coffee, and biscuits, and this time I also baked a groaning cake and make chia pudding and salad for the shared lunches.
- All in all, it took over a week of prep. And this isn’t counting the work to advertise and share the workshop., hiring the venue etc.
On the day of the workshop itself:
- I drove there really early (45 min before people were due to start arriving) because I like to set the room up and be ready before people arrive. (ADHDers can be time blind, and often late, but in my case, it’s the opposite: I’m always early as being late causes me anxiety).
- I set up the chairs, the mats, the altar, the rebozos. I made it all very pretty. I was grateful to have the help of a student who is also a friend to do this.
- I also set up the space energetically, both clearing and setting it up for being the right space to hold the teaching.
- I prepared the drinks and cakes etc in the kitchen (this type my friend Malwina did this and I was very grateful)
- This is what it looked like:
The teaching:
- Teaching closing the bones requires a lot of work, both in terms of time keeping (letting important discussion happen and encouraging sharing, whilst also keeping to the teaching plan). It also requires a lot of space holding as people often have big emotional releases during this work.
- I have over 10 years of experience teaching this, and I always refine it. I am very good at holding space safely whilst I do this. I also have training in teaching, and I know how to make sure my students leave the workshop feeling confident, and I make myself available to support them and answer questions etc. (Again this is something that is less common than you think-with a lot of people I have trained with, I have found it impossible to get support after the training had ended.). I even support students I trained years ago, including giving them free copies of my updated handout.
- I love it, it makes my soul sing and nourishes me to spend time sharing this and in ceremony with a group of women, but at the end of each day I crash, and then it takes me a couple of days of rest to recover.
Packing up
- When the workshop is finished, I need to pack up. Fold all the mats and rebozos, put them back into bags, put back the chairs, wash and tidy up the kitchen, put everything back in the car. Here, even with the help of 3 students who stayed behind, it took about 45min to complete.
- Then I get home and near to wash all the rebozos and blankets (here I used about 30 of them!), and pack up my kit back where it belongs.
- Here is a picture of my packed kit after the workshop was finished, and also the boot of my car filled with kit (there was as much stuff on the back seats too-it barely fits in my car).
Working with business mentor George Kao I’ve learnt to write manuals that includes all the step when I create and do something, and my the manual for this workshop is very long and has hundreds of steps.
The feedback I get speaks for itself, as time and time again, I get people who are delighted about the training.
- “I loved the balance of information, the explanations with your pelvis model, hearing your real life experience and stories, all the thoughtful extras: the tea, cake, the drums, your care, the love you oooze is incredible”
- “The teaching was excellent: thorough, well organised, I felt safe, heard, understood. As a facilitator, Sophie is very professional, embodied and kind. I appreciated Sophie’s intuitive nature, and her combination of cognitive and intuitive approach”
- “Everything was amazing. A great balance of hands on and explanation”
But when you see me teach, the preparation work is invisible. And in some ways it is invisible to me too. Writing this blog has been quite enlightening in this regard.
So if you are, like me, blind to your gifts, here are some suggestions that might help.
- Write a Ta-Da list at the end of each week. Set a timer for 5 min and quickly write all the big tasks you’ve done that week. I write my wellbeing tasks, then family tasks, then work tasks. Every single time my mind is blown by the fact that I’ve forgotten most of what I’ve done, and have a feeling that I’ve not achieved much.
- Write a Hat Manual (something I learnt from George Kao) for each of your big work processes. If you wear many hats in your business, writing a manual for each “hat” (I have one for big things like creating webinars, or for creating and teaching courses) means that the next time you do it, you’ll have a recipe to follow and you won’t need to reinvent the wheel. You can then review and improve the process. It also let you look at all the steps you took to do something, which helps make you more aware of how much work you do.
- Keep a brag file. I use a word document, and I copy and paste into it every time someone gives me positive feedback. Read it from time to time.
- Find a way to look at what’s in your head. Journal, draw, reflect, talk to a kind friend or two. I took the Doodle your Emotions course last year and it works for me better than journaling. It allows me to become my own therapist.
- Ask for kind friends to witness what you do. It’s been transformative for me to become part of a community who loves me for who I am and reminds me that I am welcome to turn up at a gathering just by myself (and without a cake!). I also worked with a coach who showed me that being witness is a vital for me, otherwise I cannot see my gifts. Other people see strengths and gifts in you that you can often not see. I talk about this in my post The Kindness Boomerang.
I hope this helps, and if you resonate, please comment below. I’d love to hear about your experience.
May 12, 2023
Do you feel overwhelmed on Monday mornings?
Every Monday morning, I sit at my desk and feel a sense of overwhelm. It’s odd because I have a job I really enjoy. What happens is that I see the entire week ahead as an enormous task, everything that needs to be done, and I get overwhelmed by it. I see the week’s tasks in my mind as a huge mountain, an Everest sized one. And I have no idea how to get there. It feels so massive and so difficult to do, that I don’t want to start.
Does this sound familiar?
Last year I realised that I have ADHD. I have most likely had it all my life, however in my case the symptoms didn’t become severe until I hit perimenopause. The change in hormones is known to make ADHD symptoms worse. I had a aha moment when I listened to this podcast episode about ADHD and perimenopause, because I recognised myself. This leaflet explains the issue too. One of the symptoms of ADHD is executive dysfunction. It can be explained like this: in neurotypical people, the frontal cortex acts like a friendly butler, reminding you of the tasks you have to do. For example: remember to buy some milk, remember you put your keys there etc.
In neurodivergent people, the frontal cortex is not running the tasks. Instead, our reptilian brain is controlling things, and acting like an angry neighbour, telling us off for nor remembering things. Another aspect of executive dysfunction is that we have impaired non verbal working memory. This an inability to visualise the future. When a neurotypical person plans to do something, they see the image of what “done” looks like, and work backwards from there. People with ADHD struggle to do this.
In the case of mountain climbing, a neurotypical person would imagine themselves at the top of the mountain, then work backwards towards a lot of small steps of organisation and training. They would start implementing steps etc. In my case, all I can see is the top, and not the steps. I cannot break it down. It applies in many areas of my life. For example I’ve been meaning to declutter my house for years. It’s another typical ADHD thing to dislike clutter whilst also not being able to do the decluttering tasks. I dream of someone doing this for me. I have a huge stock of things I no longer need which I need to move out of my house (for example an 80 plus stock of baby carriers from my babywearing consultant days, my NCT teaching equipment, my doula equipment and large collection of books, and overflowing wardrobe, it goes on and on).
When I imagine doing the decluttering, I do not know how to start, because it feels overwhelming. It’s a low dopamine task and I don’t know how to get started. I also feel that I either need to do it all, or not do it at all. Oddly, if someone does it with me, then I find it easy. And if I do it for someone else, I find it very easy too. This is why I used to love doing housework tasks I normally dread at home, when I was caring for a new mother as a postnatal doula. I’ve long learnt that internal motivation is not something I can muster for tasks that don’t excite me. And why all the “just do this” coming from people who have internal motivation only served to make me feel inadequate. Now I accept and embrace it as much as I can.
This is why co-working with the app Focusmate has been a life changer for my business. You meet on video with other people around the world, during 25 or 50 min sessions, spend a couple of minutes telling the other person what you’re going to do, then work quietly alongside each other. At the end of the session, you spend another couple of minute telling each other how it went. Some people I’ve co-worked with even use Focusmate to do their morning or evening routine, or to tidy up (it’s perhaps not surprising that many neurodivergent people use Focusmate, and this is how I discovered the ADHD for smart ass women group).
The paradox with us ADHD people is that when we are excited by something (high dopamine tasks) then we can plough through work effortlessly at a speed not achievable by many people. It’s called hyperfocusing. I know this is certainly true for me. This is how I wrote my book in less than 6 months. This is how I create online courses, write blog posts, etc.
So if you struggle to initiate tasks or get overwhelmed by them, what can you do?
- Try to pre-plan the following week’s important tasks at the end of the week before, so that you don’t have to start with not knowing what to do.
- Start the day with a little ritual: light a candle, burn some incense or diffuse some essential oils, and set an intention for the week
- When feeling overwhelmed, rather than trying to push through (in my case this results in more overwhelm and procrastination) address the emotions first: set a timer for 5 minutes (or more, but I find that the short timing is less likely to be met with resistance), and journal, do a short meditation, or movement practise to help move the stuck energy.
- Try writing : if I could only do 3 things today, and write these things
- Break down each big tasks in lot of tiny little steps
If you read this and recognise yourself, I hope it helps. I’d love to hear about your experience.
March 23, 2023
My ADHD treatment journey : why I hated taking antidepressants
A few months ago I shared about my experience of trying ADHD medication and the difference it made, and how it convinced me I should get diagnosed and treated.
The experience led me to start the process of getting a formal ADHD diagnosis, in order to access treatment. I soon realised that it is another lengthy, hard, and time consuming process.
I spoke to my GP, who after making me answer the questionnaire, confirmed that it was very likely I had ADHD (I scored 22 out of 24, but already knew this), but that the waiting list for NHS diagnosis (let alone treatment) would be 18 months to 2 years. I requested a right to choose referral with Psychiatry UK, which should reduce the wait down to a few months. I also investigated going private, but the psychiatrists I was recommended also had months long waiting lists.
Most of my time and energy are currently being used battling the education and health systems to get support for one of my children, who is also neurodivergent. I tried to get the ball rolling for myself, but gave up because I just didn’t have the time or energy to do it. I had to chase my GP surgery weekly for 6 weeks, just for the right to choose referral forms to be filled in (and this is despite being present in person at my local surgery on a weekly basis or more due to my child’s situation).
My family circumstances and my ADHD compounded by perimenopause (it can make ADHD and anxiety worse; and it certainly did for me), meant that my mental health suffered. I was feeling stressed, anxious and overwhelmed, at a level that made managing everyday life impossible. I was falling apart and begging for anything that would help. Because it was the only thing that my GP was was able to offer without having to wait for months, and I was desperate, I accepted a prescription for SSRI antidepressants. Having researched what seemed to be most helpful for ADHD people, I asked for Paroxetine.
I started taking Paroxetine mid September. It didn’t seem to help my mood, and I hated how it made me feel. I felt numb, disconnected from myself, joyless. When I went to my weekly 5rhythms dance session, something I used to always look forward to, I couldn’t connect to the dance, or to myself, and ended up spending a large amount of the session sitting on the floor, feeling unhappy, and wanting to go home. To make things worse, within a week of taking the antidepressant, I discovered that I was no longer able to have an orgasm.
From my scientific career and having attended conferences that talked about SSRIs and sexual health, I remembered that those side effects were common for this type of drugs. The impact on sex life are rarely explained to patients prior to prescription (informed consent anyone?), yet it is a common reason why people stop taking them. In a review paper, I found the following data “SSRIs may cause sexual dysfunction in 40% to 65% of individuals, these side effects may exacerbate depression and create a barrier to medication adherence”. No kidding!
I was not hugely bothered about the lack of sexuality per se, because my mental health was so dire that if the drugs had made me feel better I would have put up with that. The straw that broke the antidepressant’s back was the fact that this was another example of how this drug was making me disconnected from life itself. I wanted to be able to cope better with life’s ups and downs. The SSRIs not only didn’t achieve that, it made me feel like a narrowed down version of myself.
Interestingly, when I had taken the plant based version of SSRIs, St John’s Wort, for several months when I suffered from depression in 2019, I had never experienced this numbing and disconnection feeling, and it had helped me climb up from the bottom of the pit I was in at the time.
My experience taking SSRIs felt both numbing and sharp, like a knife, cutting me from myself. Since taking St John’s wort had felt supportive in the past, I had an insight that this is because synthetic drugs are extremely narrow in their target, only hitting one process in the brain, whereas plant medicines contain many different substances, which act in synergy. As a spiritual and energy sensitive person, I also felt that synthetic drugs are disconnected from the web of life, because of the way they are produced in the lab, separated from their source of origin, whereas plant medicines are more connected, because the plant carries its own energy and the connection to the energy of the earth.
I spent some time meditating on the different medicines, writing them down, putting them on my altar, to see how they suited me. Having considered switching to St John’s wort, however, from trying the ADHD meds, I also knew I would need something different if it was to support my symptoms. I had wondered about microdosing with a plant medicine for some time because several of my friends were doing it and reported amazing effects on mood and wellbeing. In fact that medicine sat in my house for 6 months but I felt scared to try it. It really is quite fascinating to me that I had to experience what pharmaceutical drugs felts like to free me of my fear.
The week I considered trying, the universe sent me very clear signals, because for a few days, everywhere I went I ended up speaking someone new who told me how life changing it had been for them. I sat at a diner party next to a psychotherapist who wanted to blend psychotherapy and this kind of medicine. I went to a survival skills workshop in the woods, the teacher had some interesting tattoo and they turned out to be replica of this plant medicine carvings found in Algeria, which he had done after an experience with the medicine cured him of PTSD. A friend of mine shared that she was embarking on a 18 months long training as a microdosing coach, it just went on and on for days until I finally said : OK universe, I think I got the message.
I stopped the SSRIs after about a month, tapering them off slowly, then I started this new medicine journey, supported by a couple of experienced friends. One of them even came to my house to hold me through my first dose of the medicine, and it felt very safe. I am a month into this new experience, and my life has been transformed. I plan to write another post telling this story when I am ready.
October 28, 2022
ADHD and the kindness boomerang: a lesson in appreciating your gifts.
Since I discovered that I have ADHD a few months ago, I have started the steep learning curve of understanding what it means for me. I have read many books, listened to many podcasts, and been in various support groups online. This exploration is showing me something very clear: that I am, and have always been, very hard on myself. I am starting to see more clearly how this pattern plays up in my life.
One of the ways it manifests is that it makes me blind to my gifts (what comes to me easily), and hard on myself I could do better, work harder, do more etc.
For example, in the summer I attended a friend’s birthday. As it was fairly short notice I didn’t have the time to craft the gift I would have liked to make for her (a shamanic rattle). Instead I collected some items in my house I knew she would like, and gifted them to her. She was delighted with them but I couldn’t help but feel this wasn’t quite what I wanted to give. I attended a dance retreat last month. I had planned to bake a cake but I ran out of time so I made a chia chocolate pudding instead, because it was quicker. Many people approached me asking for the recipe, as they found it incredibly delicious. I was amazed as I contemplated the contrast between my standards (how I was judging myself for making what felt like a cop-out, versus the reaction people gave me).
For as long as I can remember, I have been a nurturer. It’s no wonder I became a doula, and it’s no wonder I became a healer. Because these things come to me easily, I tend to forget about the many caring acts I have done for other people. Because it comes to me so easily that I don’t think it’s a big deal. I wrote about this in my blog post Do you confuse productivity with effort?
This week-end I had an even deeper learning moment about this in the most beautiful touching way. Knowing how much I am struggling with my mental health at the moment, a group of friends from my local conscious dancing community got together and organised a healing ceremony for me.
When I arrived at my friend’s house, the first thing I saw was a massage table laid with several rebozos on top of it. I asked “where did you get all these rebozos?” and they reminded me that I had gifted them to them over the last couple of years. I had completely forgotten that I had done that. I also noticed deep discomfort at the idea of being at the receiving end of such love and care, like somehow I didn’t deserve it. I noticed how I am more comfortable in giving than in receiving.
My friends had made an altar. They held me as I cried, they invited me to pick a couple of beautiful tarot cards, which were placed on the altar. They held me, wrapped me with the rebozos, massaged me, and drummed over me as I laid on the massage table. Nobody has ever done anything like this for me before.
After the ritual I felt soft and warm and deeply loved and cared for. Then we read the tarot cards, and we had tea with a cake they had baked for me. I left my friend’s house with a deep sense of joy and gratitude. I felt loved, and belonging, and deeply cared for.
It felt like such a beautiful example of a kindness boomerang. An example of how blind we can be about the love we put into people, and how it can come back to us in the most beautiful and unexpected way. My friends also reminded me that they were able to give me this ritual because I had taught it to them (I taught it for free as part of the dance retreat, the one where I didn’t bake a cake…).
Does this resonate? Do you too notice that you are blind to your gifts, that you dismiss them as not being a big deal because they come easily to you? If so I invite you to share stories in the comments, and also to notice this pattern in your life, so you can be more gentle on yourself.

October 21, 2022

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