At the end of each year I write a review of my year. I find it a helpful exercise to reflect. This year it feels more important than ever. I am doing it for myself, and I also hope it may inspire others who read it. Despite my being told that I do a lot of stuff, until I write it all down I tend to mostly focus on what I am not doing.

I choose the title of being stretched between gratitude and grief because this has been a year of extremes on many levels, and that is how it has felt for me.

I have this amazing book about grief called The Wild Edge of Sorrow. In his book, author Francis Weller explains that :

“Sorrow shakes us and breaks us open to depths of soul we could not imagine. Grief offers a wild alchemy that transmutes suffering into fertile ground. We are made real and tangible by the experience of sorrow, adding substance and weight to our world. We are stripped of excess and revealed as human in our times of grief. In a very real way grief ripens us, pulls up from the depths of our souls what is most authentic in our beings”.

I started 2020 in a state of deep grief, due to a crisis that had happened in the summer of 2019. I was still seeing a therapist, and still on antidepressants. I was desperately trying to “fix” myself out of the darkness. Back then I could not have imagined how much personal growth and joy this year would bring me, despite the challenges that it brought.

A bunch of things happened between January and lockdown that contributed to lifting me out of this state. I finished doing the case studies for my Reiki Drum teacher training, and managed to attend the actual training (despite the looming lockdown and a flat tyre). I had a family constellation session (the 4th one since summer 2019), and I had a 3h long massage and healing session with Claire at In well being somatic massage, all of which helped shift what had happened  out of my body. But the biggest change was oddly brought by the lockdown itself.

As the announcement of lockdown loomed, I spent 3 days reading the news constantly. My anxiety skyrocketed as I started to imagine all sorts of worse case scenarios. I’m super grateful that a friend made me aware of a zoom workshop based on the work of Byron Katie, on the topic of anxiety during the pandemic. During the workshop, Cambridge coach Corrina Gordon-Barnes led us through an enquiry about our fear.  I had partially read Byron Katie’s book, Loving what is, before, but I had taken the questions at face value, and not got that they weren’t actual intellectual questions, but rather a method of self enquiry. The effect of this for me was extraordinary, and it moved me instantly out of my fear and anxiety into a state of peace. You can watch the video of this workshop, called Peace during a pandemic, here. I know it sounds too good to be true but the difference attending this workshop made to me was really night and day. In fact I found it so transformative that I attended another one and signed up for an online course around the Work and parenting later in the year.

I’d be lying if I pretended that I didn’t drop back into anxiety at times. There were several moments during the year where I felt consumed by anxiety and anger about the state of the world, the unbelievable changes that were happening all around us, and projections into a bleak and scary future. When that happened, being in nature or dancing always helped bringing me back into my body in the now. It was an interesting realisation to find that even if the circumstances didn’t change, my mindset (or should say my heartset) made all the difference. This year I really learnt the meaning of staying into my business and accepting what I can and cannot change.

The gift of time during lockdown

Oddly, lockdown turned out to be mostly positive for me. As the first few days happened, I started taking my children for a daily walk in the neighbourhood, in a bid to keep them healthy. I felt annoyed and grumpy to be restricted to visiting the same boring spot everyday.

A few weeks before lockdown I had started a gratitude practise called 111 happy days. So I decided to switch this to something called Gratitude in a Pandemic, which I did for 16 weeks. I chose to share my gratitude practise on Facebook to keep myself accountable. Every day or so I’d share, along with pictures, the stuff I felt grateful for. This is the first time in my life that I did this regularly and the first time I found out how effective it was. I started noticing a lot of things to be grateful for that I had never been even thought about before.

It is said that where the attention goes, energy flows. This proved so true for me because not only this helped me shift my mindset towards more positive way of looking at the world. Because I shared on Facebook, friends pointed out how lucky I was to have such open spaces on my doorstep, and soon I stopped seeing the local nature reserves as boring places, but started to appreciate their beauty. I hadn’t expected this but a lot of people also told me they found my posts inspiring.

Other magical stuff happened. As I took daily walks with my kids, whilst at first they were reluctant, they came to look forward to it, asking during lunch at what time we would go. Because of these walks and the forced slower pace of life, we spent more time together than we did before. We often had deep meaningful conversations during these walks. I also noticed that my kids also spent more time talking to each other. I noticed that the local nature reserve was actually a very beautiful place, that we were lucky to have it so close, and that it looked different every day, as nature grew and unfolded during Spring. We saw cygnets being born and then we saw them grow. The weather was unusually nice which made it all the more pleasant.

It wasn’t all pink fluffy unicorns. Some of those walks were challenging, some days my kids were grumpy or quarrelled etc. One major source of frustration was navigating achieving balance for our kids between home learning and screen time whilst both myself and my husband worked. This also meant having complex conversations with my husband who had set up his home office in the lounge, whilst I was upstairs always the one the kids came to for school work help! In the midst of this, I felt utterly grateful that my children were older (10 and 14)  and fairly self sufficient. I cannot imagine how I would have coped with the lockdown with a toddler and a preschooler. I saw the challenges some of my friends with younger kids went through, trying to work (some of them single parents) whilst meeting the needs of their children. They have my utter respect and admiration.

The other major change that the forced slow down brought by lockdown brought me was that I became aware that I had been pressuring myself to be “productive” all the time. I thought I had come a long way from this already, starting with the coaching work I’d done with Bonny Chmelik  a couple of years ago (which led to my year round river swimming habit), but as the pressure eased for so long, I started to feel very appreciative of the slower pace of the day, and feel much happier and more relaxed for it. I spent more time doing activities like baking, gathering herbs and making stuff with them like bundles and oils etc, because I felt I had the time. It was no nice to enjoy these whilst not feeling rushed. I remember one afternoon as I relaxed in the hammock in my garden, it dawned on me that I wasn’t feeling guilty of not working. I had several defining moments like this one, for instance one morning I ran through the local nature reserve and stopped on the riverside to watch the water and meditate, a voice in my head told me I should be getting back to work. I started to realise how much pressure I was putting on myself  to be productive all the time, and I hadn’t even been aware of it.

Two other practises really helped me slow down and connect with nature and myself: drumming and dancing (as well as my previously existing practise of year round wild swimming). In November 2019 I committed to train to become a Reiki Drum teacher. This means I had to run 24 case studies in 2 months. I managed to finish and attended the training. I never got to teach it in 2020 as I had intended, but the benefits for me personally went beyond my expectations. In February I started running monthly drumming circles in Cambridge. I had assumed I’d get a handful of friends, but both times around 14 people attended, most of which I didn’t even know. Those drum circles were magical. During lockdown I carried on running them online, then ran them to outdoors when it became possible again.

By April I felt well enough to come off the antidepressants.

In May I turned 50. Whilst I was upset that I couldn’t see my family that day, in the grand scheme of things, it didn’t feel that important, and I also felt grateful that I did not mind so much.  I started the day drumming in the woods, I went for 2 swims at my favourite spots, had a wonderful takeaway Chinese feast for diner and an enormous chocolate keto cake handmade and delivered by my lovely friend Alexa. I finished the day with party on Zoom that night and this meant that friends and family from Norway, the USA, France and Germany were able to join me, and this wouldn’t have been possible if it had been face to face. The party included a 5rhythm dance session led by the wonderful Ruth Hirst. Many of my friends had never tried this type of dance and where hooked instantly.

The day I turned 50 I also started the day drumming in the woods at the local nature reserve with 2 other women. I have been doing this bi-weekly since. It’s a deeply spiritual, yet simple, practise that I love, in the connection with others, with nature and with myself that it gives me.

In October 2019 I had joined Cambsdance , which is a conscious dance community in Cambridge. They host various teachers who run a range of conscious dancing classes from different styles ( 5Rhythms, Freedom dance, and  open floor). I remember being amazed when I first went as I thought we were going to be taught steps! The first night I had one mind blowing moment after the other: I saw how my clubbing years  had made me associate dancing with seduction and showing off, I found out that I could move my body in much better ways in my late 40s than in my 20s (because I inhabit my body more, but also because I care much less about what others think). I went home elated.

This type of dancing is nothing like you may have experienced clubbing. There is no self consciousness, no judging, no “performance”. It’s simply a group of people who get together to move like their bodies want to. Jewel Mathieson’s sum “We have come to be danced” sums it up. This practise proved transformative for me whilst I was in the midst of a personal crisis. I discovered that this form of self-connection suits me better than being still. That I can move through feelings in minutes whilst moving my body through music, in what would take me 20 min or more of meditation.

I attended the Friday night dance every week from October to March. When lockdown happened we carried on dancing with sessions run on zoom. I carried attending the sessions religiously during that time. I even signed up to an ongoing small group work with Freedom Dance teacher Alex Svoboda. I was dubious as to whether these would work online but they did. It wasn’t the same as face to face, but it was still powerful. In fact during lockdown I had a one to one session with Alex, when I was feeling stuck about the professional path ahead. Alex suggested I dance which element my professional past was, then my current path, then my future one. It was a truly mind blowing experience, and it shifted me out of being stuck instantly.

When lockdown eased, small groups of us started meeting in the meadows near the river in Cambridge, and dance whilst streaming the live class on zoom with a speaker.  I found it extraordinary on so many levels. Dancing to the setting sun with an owl flying on the background and the sky reflected on the river surface was magical. The small group meant that I got to know people really well, much quicker than I would have done in the large group that normally gathered indoors on a Friday night. Many of these people have become close friends.  It also made chatting afterwards a lot more relaxed as we didn’t have to vacate a rented space by a certain time. We carried on dancing even when it became cold and dark, and sometimes wet, and it was still magical. There was a spiritual element to some of the gatherings, including ceremonies to celebrate the turning of the year. I realised that I had never been as in tune with the changing seasons at this year, and that it felt very good to be more connected to nature in this way. This week I also took part in the last event of the second small group Freedom Dance series I had taken part in, and I’ve already signed up for more. If this is something you have ever wanted to try, now you can participate with any teacher that you choose as online classes mean that the distance constraints are removed.

The other practise that is majorly important to my wellbeing is year round swimming in the river. This year I swam a lot more regularly than before because the lockdown helped me with a shift of priorities. I gave myself a challenge to swim in 50 different swim spots before I turn 51, which has already led to some really cool swimming adventures, including swimming through Cambridge city centre twice, swooshing down a mile in the Ouse, and swimming in 6 different lakes whilst on holidays in France. I look forward to more swimming adventures.

When lockdown eased, I started putting these practises in my diary as a priority over everything else, because I’d come to understand that they were not just “nice” things to do when I had time, but rather they were the foundation on which I built everything else. Next year I am planning to create an online course based to my experience to help others out of overwhelm.

Work

This year brought some great challenges in my work as a workshop facilitator and doula. Up until March I wasn’t in a particularly good place, so the announcement of the lockdown filled me with anxiety and dread, as well as fears for my little sole trader business. Interestingly, something had been preventing me from booking workshops. I had been putting it down to low mood and procrastination, but now that I look back it seems my intuition was on point. When lockdown came I only needed to cancel one workshop, which helped me not become overwhelmed with reorganisation and refunds etc.

When lockdown happened I panicked thinking that I would not be earning any money at all. My main source of income was workshops, and I could no longer run those. I didn’t know whether I would still be able to work as a doula during lockdown. Yet the lockdown meant that I finished my book draft on time, and that first month when I thought I’d get nothing, I got the advance for the book from the publisher, which I hadn’t counted on. This was a nice, unexpected and reassuring surprise. Seeing small business owner friends struggle with no income also made me feel grateful that my husband still had part time salary.

That theme of unexpected income carried on throughout the year. In April I got an unexpected last minute booking for a birth because this family could no longer have their relatives come to look after their older child. This birth (actually the only birth that I attended in person this year) was utterly wonderful, and gave me a lot of reassurance, as well as being a lovely reintroduction to birth work after a 6 month break. The lockdown and new rules, meaning only one birth partner was allowed in the hospital, brought new challenges to my doula work. Like many I had to adapt very quickly to move my support online. I was pleasantly surprised that it could still be very effective.  It did take some creativity, and I learnt a lot of new skills this year, for example teaching rebozo techniques on zoom, or learning to write and record custom relaxation scripts for clients in record time.

There were moments of despair and utter frustration. Supporting women having their labour induced for days without the support of her partner or myself, or the lack of support in the postnatal ward, especially post caesarean, was hugely frustrating and stressful. In the summer I hit a particularly low moment when, having just finished to support such a long induction, I saw a woman I had supported has a doula 3 times already, walk alone to the hospital. I came home and told my husband I was done being a doula.

But there were magical moments too. I learnt that I could still make a massive difference remotely and that my support was even more important in these challenging times. I was able to pull strings and help several couples achieve a wonderful births against many odds. I supported a lot of people over phone and video calls, and discovered to my surprise that it could still feel fulfilling. Recently I found out after supporting such a birth, that I felt just as opened energetically afterwards, the way I normally feel after being present.

Whilst several couples, including repeat clients, got in touch but decided not to hire me as they didn’t see the point if I couldn’t be there in person, surprisingly many did still want to work with me despite the lack of guarantee that I could be present. In the end I was just as busy this year as the previous year. I have repeat clients booked for next year too. I still mentored new doulas, and I had the pleasure to support 4 doulas in completing their mentoring journey in 2020.

Workshop wise this certainly was a very different year. In the past 3 years or so I usually taught at least a couple of workshops a month, travelling around the UK and sometimes abroad. This year I only taught 5 live workshops, and a couple of zoom ones. Whilst I did miss teaching, and especially when I returned in October after a 6 month long break, and realised how much I love teaching, I also feel that that the previous level of intense teaching is not longer suitable for who I am today.

I had already planned to make 2 online courses based on my book. I signed up to Leonie Dawson’s course 40days to create and sell your ecourse  (it’s fabulous, I love Leonie’s irreverent and empowering style, do get in touch if you’re interested to do this course, as Leonie has an affiliate scheme). I offered my upcoming courses to a group of early adopters and 85 people joined me on this journey. In parallel I had someone create me a new website with a built-in online course system. I also had some social media training, a logo, and some branding work done ready for the relaunch.

When the new website was launched in November,   I discovered that my existing rebozo online course hadn’t transferred across the new system properly. After a lot of stress I realised that rather than getting my web guy to fix it, it made sense to rebuild the course using the new system instead. This proved to be a godsend on several levels because not only did it meant that I got to grip with the new tech really quickly (I had been procrastinating), but I updated the course with new text, new pictures and branding, and added a quiz and automated certificate download at the end.  I was very proud of how the updated course worked and relaunched it in November, and I had more people sign up to this course in 2020 than in the 2 years since I launched it.

I have finished creating the course for families based on my book, and I am 2/3rd of the way through uploading it on my website. I’m also about 1/3 of the way creating the second course for birthworkers, which will launch in the first quarter of next year. Once these are complete I have another 10 or so courses or so in the pipeline, as I want to make everything I teach available online.

2020 saw the publication of my first book, Why Postnatal recovery matters. I finished the draft in April, and the book was published in July. I was incredibly proud when I received the first copies. I completely overwhelmed when I made it available to buy from me as all 80 copies I had sold within 24h and I hadn’t anticipated this! After a major flap as I tried to sign and post all the ordered copies the morning after the release, I realised this wasn’t possible, and went for a swim instead. Feeling much calmer, I ordered more books, reached out to a couple of experienced authors friends, who gave me great tips to on how sign such a large number of books in a way that still felt enjoyable. Since then I have signed, wrapped and posted close to 300 copies. When I asked a few weeks ago, the publisher told me that over 700 copies had been sold (though we won’t know the exact numbers until March next year). The book currently has 44 five star reviews on Amazon (if you’ve read it, I would love it if you could leave me a review here).

I also wrote 6 press articles about the book in July. That was an interesting exercise, which took much of my time that month. Each article had to be written from a different angle, so after writing the first one, when I submitted the second the PR person told me I needed to rewrite it entirely as it was too similar to the first! I did get the hang of it eventually and can now add the ability to write press articles superfast to my list of skills. I did the book launch the book as a Facebook live. I was disappointed not to be able to have the real live launch at Pinter and Martin HQ in London, complete with glasses of bubbly. It didn’t feel as real, to do it on Facebook. However, I had a small gathering by the river with some close friends to celebrate the launch, complete with lovely food and a fire. Since the publication, articles about the book have been published in Juno and in the Green Parent magazine, and  I have done 3 podcasts and 5 live interviews on Facebook and Instagram. I have also talked to a French publisher to get the book translated and published in France.

As well as my book and all the press articles with it, I wrote 14 blog posts this year. Writing is one of aligned, flowing places. It makes me happy, it feeds my soul and I love knowing that my writing helps others.

This year one of the major lessons I learnt in my work was that I do not have to work so hard, and that my income isn’t necessarily related to the amount of time I spend “working”. I used to think that I had to be at my computer from 9 to 5. This year has brought a lot more spaciousness and flexibility in the way I work and I am much happier for it.

After doing an online course on to do list with productivity mentor Louise Miller,  I’ve embarked on an amazing new group with her called Make it Happen. Louise’s approach towards goal setting and productivity is very much like being doulaed through a mindful, unique to yourself, goal setting process. It’s like having someone holding space for you to unfold in your own unique way. I am already certain that it will help me stay focused and balanced and in my happy place in the new year.

This is what my year felt like. Stretched between gratitude and grief. But with more fulfilment and joy than ever before. I love the words of Francis Weller on the topic:

” The work of the mature person is to carry grief in one hand and gratitude in the other and to be stretched large by them. How much sorrow can I hold? That’s how much gratitude I can give. If I carry only grief, I’ll bend toward cynicism and despair. If I have only gratitude, I’ll become saccharine and won’t develop much compassion for other people’s suffering. Grief  keeps the heart fluid and soft, which helps make compassion possible.”

I will finish this post with my answer to The Big Questions, which I saw shared on Facebook by Arvigo teacher and wise woman Hilary Lewin. I thought some of you might find them helpful too.

2020

What was your greatest success in 2020?

• Publishing my book

What word or phrase sums up your experience of 2020?

• Embody

What was your best decision?

• Prioritising time in nature.

What was the greatest lesson you learnt?

• That prioritising time in nature allows everything to flow from it

What was the most loving service you performed?

• Supporting families through birth and postpartum during the pandemic

What is your biggest piece of unfinished business?

• The online course based on my book

What are you most happy about completing?

• My book

Who are the people who had the greatest impact on your life?

• My friends from the local dance and swim community. And spiritual healers Rebecca Wright and Lee Harris.

What was the biggest risk you took this year?

• Trusting into things unfolding by themselves

What was the biggest surprise?

• That things worked out and that I did not have to work so hard.

What important relationship improved the most?

• The one with myself

What else do you need to do or say in 2020?

• Thank you

2021

What would you like your biggest triumph to be in 2021?

• Launching my new work as a soul doula.

What advice would you give yourself for 2021?

• Trust in soul time.

What major effort are you planning on to improve?

• Finding balance between being focused and not trying to work too hard

What would you be most happy about completing?

• Having launched a course on accessing personal heart wisdom.

What major indulgence do you want to experience?

• Connection

What are you looking forward to learning?

• More about myself

What might your biggest challenge be?

• Not trusting that I’m doing enough

What are you most committed to changing and improving?

• Using my time wisely, not getting lost in urgent but not important tasks

What is your as yet one undeveloped talent you are willing to explore?

• Channelling

What brings you joy and how will you have more of it?

• Time in nature. I’m already putting it at the most important task in my diary

What is your one word to carry you through 2021?

• Alignment

I’d love to hear if my experience resonates with you.